December 31, 2012
“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”
December 31, 2012
So Lee has just been round. He asked me to go to his house tonight as his parents are spending it with friends and him and his sister, Lisa are having a party with a few of his old school mates and some of Lisa’s friends. I would have preferred to have Lee to myself tonight, but what can I do? There are no decent places to go out around here so us teens must stick together I guess. Stella wanted me to go to Rechford but I don’t want to. She doesn’t want to come here which I think is a bit shit as I haven’t seen her for ages. Kate and I haven’t really spoken much since I was ill before Christmas and I’m a bit pissed off with her to be honest. Lee is only here for a while and soon Annabelle will turn up. I want to make the most of the time I’ve got with him before I sink down into the pit of misery that is my life without him. (I was trying to be positive and upbeat today but fuck it. It’s too tiring!)
So party it is. At least Lee’s M&D don’t mind him having alcohol. That’s another (of a gazillion) reasons why having a sensible 19 year old (almost boy) friend is a good idea! My parents don’t let me drink (even though I do, see previous posts!) because once I had some wine at one of Mum’s dinner parties and I threw up under the table. And made an ass of myself in front of their friends. Quelle supriiiiiiiiiiiise!
Anyways, he asked me if I was ok and gave me another amazing hug. (Fuckkkkkkk me I want more!) I didn’t finish the previous post about what happened after our walk. Basically, we walked back to my house and sat at the kitchen table drinking hot choco. I was gutted but at the same time quite excited as I knew how he felt and I had fucking KISSED him! So the conversation was about a lot of things. I tried to be ok with it cos I know he’s in a difficult situ with my strict as shit parents and the fact that his know mine and all that. These were the points we discussed: (The nearest I can remember as the actual words):
1. He said: Your parents are worried sick and may ground you or stop us seeing each other if we mess up even once. (ie if they catch us kissing etc). I said: We can be extra careful. He said: So what’s the difference in our relationship as friends and as a couple? Only now we don’t have a physical thing going. We can wait for that. I said: Nothing. (fuckshit)
2. He said: I’m at Uni and you’re here. A long distance relationship will be hard on both of us. I said: I DON’T CARE! I would rather sit at home knowing we are a couple and miss you as a boyfriend than sit at home and miss you as a friend. He said: Ok, I get your point, but you know how I feel about you. I said: So why not just admit we are a couple? He said: Maybe….(and went really quiet)
3. He said: I don’t want our friendship to suffer. Would we be able to maintain our closeness as friends if we broke up? He told me about a friend of his who had started seeing a good friend of his and it all went wrong and now they don’t speak at all! I said: I think we would. We are both quite mature (me? pffff ok!) and you are my best friend and always will be. But now it’s like we’ve crossed the line anyway. He said: Yes we have in a way. Oh for fuck’s sake this is so hard! (Yes, Lee. It’s killing me.)
4. He said: I’m scared of getting hurt and/or hurting you. I said: But it hurts right now, doesn’t it? (He was nodding). He then said: I think that if we stay friends for now, that it’s safer. Being in love is so complicated. You are only 17. I worry about that. I said: I can look out for myself. I trust you to be honest with me, that’s all I can ask of you and you of me. I want a chance for us, that’s all.
I was trembling and wished I had a glass of red wine in my hand.
Then THEY came back. Discussion over. He just said, before Mum started going on about some village gossip, that we should think carefully and give it some time before we decide one way or another. He smiled at me so warmly I wanted to just grab him across the table. That kiss…..oh my that kiss!
See? What a fucking fuck up! What do I do? Leave it or keep trying to push my reasoning? Casey always tries to get her own way. Maybe it should be one of my N Y resolutions, to stop trying to manipulate everyone to my way of thinking. I can’t help it though! I don’t know how I’m going to cope now, knowing Lee feels this way about me. I mean, WHEN does he think we can be together then? When I leave for Uni? That’s another year or more yet! No way……….no no no no. I will die.
Well. Tonight will be interesting. I intend to drink. A lot. Will I be able to keep my hands off that person who I love? I doubt it. He is stronger than I am, that’s for sure. Oh holy crap. I wonder who else will be there? Lisa’s friends. Maybe me and Lee can just go off to another room and have our own party. Thing is his old buds will be there as well. Oh joy.
Happy Fucking New Year! 😦
This is all I want for 2013
December 31, 2012
He said we should ‘let the dust settle’ and then approach my parents about it.
We have been acting as best buds since then. I am a fucking good actress! He is too, worst luck. He is acting differently towards me though, I can feel it. He stares at me a lot as well. We are sat watching a DVD and he’ll look over at me. I don’t look directly at him, just pretend to be watching the film to see how long he looks for. It’s longer than ever and it’s more than friendly. I look up and he snaps out of some daze and smiles at me as if to say, Jesus this is so difficult. TELL ME ABOUT IT!
We did go out for a walk in the fresh evening air last night. Mum and Dad were out and they had a little (humiliating) chat to me before they went saying that they ‘trusted’ me not to fool around (their choice of wording!) with Lee in my room and to be mature about the situation. Hmm. What could I do? I was pleased that they were allowing Lee in the house when they weren’t there to stick their beaks in, so I shut up and put up. It was really nice, though.
We walked with Chester to the woodland where we used to spend time in Summer. We just talked about family mostly to start with and then Lee brought the subject of Annabelle up. She’s coming on 2nd January for 3 days. Fucking cool. Not. He told me that she has been having a lot of problems with her (much older) boyfriend who she has been with since she was 16. She’s now 20. Apparently he has been hitting her, which is shit. He has tried to get her to break up with him but so far she can’t seem to find the strength. Her parents don’t believe her (wtf?) and they worship the ground he stands on for some reason so she wants to come and stay here with Lee for a few days for a break. She will be in the spare room, I asked him. Fuck I am so jealous even though he insists they are just good friends. Oh, and she is looking forward to meeting me. Yeh, I bet. So she can laugh at me being young and silly, being grounded by my parents! Jesus. Will this nightmare ever end?
I tried to sound excited by the prospect of meeting her, but it was so hard. I wanted to cry actually. Yes, Casey Cry? Woah.
Anyhow. We had a weird experience with Chester as he managed to get off the lead. God knows how, I still don’t get it. We chased him through the dark. He totally ran off the little shit. So we were hacking our way through bushes and stuff when I fell and landed right on Lee. I won’t pretend, I really enjoyed it cos his body got kinda trapped against a tree and I was like, whoops sorry! I could just see his face in the shadowy light and he was smiling. I couldn’t help myself, I just wanted to kiss him so badly. I couldn’t control my face and it went really near his. I heard him go ‘Case’ and then I was vaguely aware of his hands on my shoulders…was he pushing me away? I don’t know but I chose to totally ignore it. I felt his nose on my cheeks all warm and felt his breath. He is tall and my neck was stretching. I was balancing on the balls of my feet and my calves were pulling like crazy. Then my lips kinda collided with his and it was like a hot bolt going right through me. Oh man…it was very short but I can still feel it, right now. Deliciously soft and warm. I have been over and over this moment in my head a gazillion times since it happened…
It was only a split second of bliss and he had gently pushed my shoulders away. He was looking at me but I was swooning and I couldn’t focus on reality for a few seconds after. He then said ‘Oh my God.’ and carried on staring. The next thing he was doing was holding me in an amazing hug, both of us with branches and leaves sticking in our sides and faces. It was amazing.
He then said (after what seemed like hours to me) ‘Come on, let’s find Chester.’ and we clambered out of the bushes. There he was just sitting there wagging his tail. As if he had planned it. (Chester, not Lee hahaha).
So we started walking. Neither of us really knew where, we were just putting one foot in front of the other. We are never stuck for words and we never have awkward silences, but we had a bit of one then. I was looking up at him every so often, trying to read what he was thinking and feeling without making him feel claustrophobic. I hate it when people do that to me, staring, expecting me to speak. I was subtle and kept walking, my heart thumping in my chest and my legs still all jellish. Then he goes:
‘Casey. I really like you. Honestly I do. I have liked you as more than a mate since I met you but I didn’t know how to approach it.’
That was when I couldn’t open my hole and speak.
We had both stopped walking and Lee was digging his shoes into the mud and looking at the floor.
I don’t remember what I said exactly but I told him, with my heart in my frickin mouth, that I felt the same and what were we going to do?
Then he said this.
‘We can’t do anything right now, I told you.’
More later. Mum’s calling me. I think Lee’s here…………..
- How Far Away the Stars – Part 3 (anniedyer.wordpress.com)
December 28, 2012
December 28, 2012
So. I have been stuck in my room sulking today. lee is coming round tonight, which is good, but we’ll have to sit downstairs again. I spoke to him today and he said that his Mum approached him about the ‘subject’ of him and me and they discussed it rationally. He said I should do the same with my M&D. Rational doesn’t usually figure in our discussions though, so I don’t think it’ll work.
He’s so sensible. Maybe too sensible. Now I’m not sure if he has totally gone off the idea of me and him getting together. He needed time to get his head round it and now this with parents has made it worse. Well done Casey you frickin moron….
He said that he can see my parents’ point of view. What now? At first I really started wondering if he had aged 30 years over night. Then he explained that from their angle it appeared that we had deliberately slept together, and then I had tried to sneak out, which had fuelled that belief and distrust. He gets on well with his Mum so she had obviously repeated what my M&D had said and because Lee is frickin sensible, he had asked his Mum’s viewpoint. Hmm. Why can’t I do that? So anyhow, his Mum trusts him and he has told her that we will not be ‘sleeping together’ and that we are just good friends.
Excuse fucking me?
He told me all this and said that we mustn’t give them any more cause to doubt us or distrust either of us. They don’t want us sleeping together and so we must act as friends. I asked him ( I was really pissed off) if that is what he wants. He said ‘Of course not’ and then said that he would rather see me as a friend than be banned from seeing me, because then we are fucked.
I guess he is right but it feels like he has dangled his love in front of my face after months of starvation only to take it back again. I don’t know what to think. We don’t have to have sex, it’s not about that. I just want us to be together as girlfriend and boyfriend. He thinks it’s too risky and that if we are even seen kissing it could be us doomed. I guess he’s right, but it makes me feel even worse now knowing that he has ‘more than friends’ feelings for me yet we have to hide them.
Perhaps I should talk to my M&D and tell them I am not planning on having sex with him any time soon. (Damn shame!) I do not know if I can even utter that word in front of them.
I guess I have to grow up a bit and be calm and patient. Show M&D and HIM that I can act maturely. He’s worth the wait!
I hope we get chance to talk about it tonight. 😦
- Are You Ready for a Moment of Calmness? (dancurtis.ca)
December 27, 2012
Well that’s ‘the talk’ over with.
Basically, M&D are worried that me and Lee are going to start having sex (how embarrassing to hear them talk about it?) and they are worried that in this ‘tiny’ community where people gossip, me and Lee will be the centre of everyone’s attention and it will look bad.
My Dad is concerned about how much I am going to show THEM up! He doesn’t give a flying fucking shit about me or how I feel or what I want!
Oh jesus. I am going to go properly MENTAL.
I am ONLY 17 years old! Lee is 2 years older than me. OH WHAT A FRICKIN CRIME!!!! And?????????????????????
I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow, but Dad says he’s going to talk to Lee’s Mum when she goes to the Surgery in the morning to clean. Oh sweet crap. I am ‘allowed’ to invite Lee over tomorrow because Mum will be in all day. Thanks a fucking load. I feel like a small, pathetic kid. I mean, Holy crap, Lee is at UNI, he can do whatever he wants, when he wants and with whomever he wants. Why in the fuck would he choose to be with me, a prisoner in her parents’ house because they treat her like a 12 year old? What in hell is he gonna think when he hears this?????????
December 23, 2012
So this is what happened last night/this morning. (*glee*)
So, at about 2:30pm Mum called from downstairs and said that Lee was here. You can imagine what I’d been doing since I wrote my Blog. Getting myself ruffled and sexy! I shouted at him to come up and before I knew it, there he was, peering round my door grinning,
He gave me the biggest bear hug I have ever had and I was giggling like a fucking lunatic the whole time, my face felt like I had eaten a banana sideways. He then started to put is fingers through my hair and examine it. I was like an icepop on a sunny day. Splurgh!
I was bright red and so was he, his hair has grown loads it seems and he kept brushing his fingers through it and shaking his head at me as if he couldn’t believe what he was seeing. I was like, erm, have I grown a mutant wart somewhere? But he was staring at me in a really nice way and then he said, (yes, in capitals!)
YOU LOOK AMAZING….LY HOT!
HOT! HOT! HOT! You heard right.he said it! (Only once and slightly under his breath, but he DID).
He then got embarrassed and stared apologising and saying that was insensitive etc etc. I goes, not if you really meant it! Then he fucking changed the subject and started asking me ‘how I’ve been’ . How have I been? A fucking miserable insomniac, Lee, that’s how. But of course I didn’t say that. I sat on the bed next to him and started rambling about bullshit every day crap. That’s what we usually do. I love our gossips and little private jokes about people and situations, but I wanted more!
Anyway for another ooooo I dunno, 2 hours, we talked and laughed. Oh my GOD we laughed about so much shit. I was crying at one point and thought I’d have to get my inhaler out. He’s hilarious. (Oh, and he kept putting his hand on my LEG when he was talking, like he wanted to keep my attention. I don’t think he realised he was doing it. It defo got my attention!)
Then frickin Mum came upstairs. I could hear her hovering at the door, afraid to come in. There are no other rooms up here on my level so I reckon she was trying to eavesdrop. Cow. Anyway I shouted ‘Yes Mum!’ and she eased her way in with some FOOD. It kind of broke the spell a bit cos he immediately shifted his sexy ass away from me and sat with his back against my head board. This was noted by my Mum cos her eyebrow raised up and she couldn’t get out fast enough. I could tell she wanted to say something but she chickened it. She bloody made up for it this morning though, I can tell you. Shit!
When she was safely out of earshot I asked him why he had moved so fast. He was like, did I? Er, yeh man you did! So he told me that he was probably protecting her from thinking something had been ‘going on’. I was feeling brave and very flirty at this point and I said ‘Like, what could possibly have been going on?’ with a smuggly grin on my face. (I just made that word up. It means something combining smug and sexy/playful). He started giggling and nudged me. He then said, ‘You know, STUFF.”
FUCK ME, BOYS ARE SO DUMBASS AT TIMES!
I then said, again trying to push the subject, ‘So what if we were?’ and then he went serious. Silence for what seemed like ages. Then he said something about my Dad knowing his Mum really well and we would have to be so careful cos they could stop us seeing each other…..
I kind of hazed out like I was in a coma and just coming round. I don’t know why but I couldn’t take in what he was saying. I was aware that I had a piece of pizza in my hand and that a bit had dropped off onto my duvet, but apart from that I was mashed.
Then he was going ‘Caaaaaasey?’ in a cute singing voice and I forced myself to snap out of it. I think I was in shock or protective mode, like I didn’t want to hear anything negative so my brain wasn’t allowing me in on the convo. Fuck knows!
‘I’m just saying I know what my parents are like and how they think. It’s that small community mentality. You’re younger than me, everyone’s going to be protective. Your parents are the same, especially your Dad. I wouldn’t want them to stop us seeing each other that’s all. ‘
Do you know what I said? YEH YOU ARE RIGHT.
Yeh, you are right. What the fucking fuck??????!!!!!
I went a bit slopey after that. (My mood started going downhill a bit). Lee also started yawning and saying what a long day he’d had. I knew that, he had been up at 5 getting his Halls room sorted out and cleaned for the inspection. They have an inspection every end of term to check that nothing is damaged. He then travelled 6 hours on the train, so yes, he must have been knackered. That’s when I asked him if he wanted to watch a film and he was like, yeh, let’s chill out for a bit.
So I got a hand full of DVDs and we chose Insidious and The Awakening. We love ghost stories.
I turned the main lights out and had my little lamp on with my blue fairy lights that are around my bed frame. Oh God it was so romantic I was like…….ARRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Have you ever stopped in a moment like that, when you think, I’ve GOT to treasure this. Store it away exactly like this, so I can recall it in all its perfection whenever I like? That was one of them. Lee kicked his boots off and plumped up both my pillows while I sorted out my laptop. In hindsight, not great to watch it on the laptop as I used a tray that Mum had brought up and propped it between our legs. Non contact, casey! NO!
He was laying on my bed……with his arms around his head. Lee was ON MY BED. First time. I hope not the last!
I kind of sat with my legs curled up, on my side, propping me head up. It meant that I wasn’t too far away from him and my knees were in front of the laptop so they were almost touching him. I could feel my face glowing bright red the whole time. I did not watch those films like I usually do. My attention was on the space between my knees and Lee’s jeans. I kept edging further in, hoping he didn’t realise. he seemed engrossed in the film except when he occasionally looked at me, smiled or grimaced at something that was going on. I could tell he was aware of our closeness, but I suppose for him it was a bit scary. He wouldn’t have wanted me to think he was about to take advantage of me. I wish to God he fucking would! Ha!
I don’t know what time it got to be, but Lee’s eyelids started drooping and I took the piss out of him a few times and he laughed and stretched a bit to wake up. My knees touched his legs then and he didn’t pull away. Next thing I knew he was asleep cos I couldn’t wake him. I thought he would wake up when the second film finished, but guess what guys? I FELL ASLEEP BEFORE THE END!
And guess what I found when I opened my eyes? Lee had his arm round me and I had my head on his chest. Oh sweet Lord.
I tried to stay so still so I could enjoy it, but I had a hideous thought. That was about the time. It was LIGHT outside! I tried to edge my head up over Lee so I could see my clock but that woke him up. He opened his eyes and immediately that he saw me started laughing his head off! Then he pulled me closer and gave me a huge hug. A horizontal hug, no less. HEAVENLY.
The he started swearing as he realised it was light in my room. He had to pull away to look at his watch and his face went to shit. He buried his head in my pillow and yelled ‘Frickin 10:45 IN THE MORNING!’
He was smirking and chuckling though, So was I. Until I realised I probably had the sickest morning mouth ever and my make up had probably been distributed on his tshirt.
He said he had to go and that he’s call me later on to do something. I could tell he was shitting himself. I guess it’s worse for him cos he’s the 19 year old man. The blame, the blame! hahaha
So we both went downstairs and Lee explained to Mum what had happened. She seemed ok with it and I thought, cool. It’s ok. As soon as he had gone (too suddenly for my liking) she started laying in to me! She was saying that Lee is 19 and I am only 17…what were we thinking, spending the night upstairs? I tried to explain again but she didn’t believe me. It’s always me who gets the shit, like she thinks the worst of me all the time!
Anyway, I have to go downstairs now as Dad’s back and he wants to talk to me. Great. Another row. I don’t want them to stop me seeing Lee so I have to try and be calm about it. Lee has been texting me all day cos Mum spoke to his Mum. He keeps begging me to keep cool about it. His parents trust him though, that’s the difference! He wanted to go out to the woods with Chester this afternoon but Mum made me fucking stay in and help her with Christmas food. So if I go and talk calmly and maturely with Dad, I will hopefully be let out of prison this evening. Won’t be sleeping with Lee again though, sadly. SADLY that’s all we DID do. Fucking SLEEP! Oh well, progress!
- Bitter Sweet…. (heartsjournal.wordpress.com)
December 23, 2012
Haven’t got much time so just to say:
Yes! snuggled with Lee while watching movie in my room. Fell asleep. Woke up at 11am. Mum n Dad not happy. Huge row. Casey very happy!!
More details later. So exciting!
Got to go and convince M&D that I can be trusted to go walking with Lee and Chester. FFSAKE!!!
December 22, 2012
Well, we are all still alive!
I was talking to Lee on Thursday night about the ‘rumours’ surrounding the 21st. We were laughing about the extremes that some people were going to, building bunkers and stuff. I mean, let’s face it, if the world is going to end, who wants to be buried under ground and dig themselves out, only to find black rubble and post apocalyptic (a Greek word according to dad) NOTHINGNESS? Who wants to live in a toxic habitat with no animals or wildlife? No vegetation? I’d rather be dead anyway.
lee said something really cute. He said that if it happens, it happen. The only thing he would have liked was to be WITH ME. (Eeepp!)
I said the same. There was an awkward but warm silence and then he giggled. He then goes ‘I really miss you every day, Case’
After I had recovered from my jelly like state of leg numbness and finished swooning I said. ‘I feel the same.’ My voice was all croaky and wavery. This is not the Casey I once was!
I think it’s my Beginning. My Pagan New Year. I can feel a change in the air.
Check this out:
Some brilliant astronomic events happen at this time of year, that witnessed and recorded by our ancestors. The Sun has now been moving south in the sky perceivably from the Northern Hemisphere since Midsummer and on Dec 21st it will reach its lowest point in the sky. From here the sun will appear stay at the same position, resting in the centre of the Crux constellation (Southern Cross) where during this pause, the sun is said to have died. After 3 days on the morning of Dec 25th. The sun moves one degree North. The darkest days are now over and foretelling of longer days to come. So the Sun dies on the cross, is there for 3 days, then is reborn… doesn’t this sound remarkably familiar?
Why can’t people SEE that the Christian version is NOT THE TRUTH? COME ON PEOPLE OPEN YOUR EYES! Makes me so angreeeeeeeee!
Things are definitely shifting…
It’s like Lee wants to say more to me and I (despite my pathetic croaky voice) am quite bold in saying things back. We had no problem expressing our feelings to each other as friends, but I think we are crossing some kind of invisible line. More potent and more significant. Problem with me is I find it easier to say things in my heart either on the phone or by email/text. I just hope Lee can start the ball rolling. It would be sooooooo frustrating after all this time (half term til now, 2 months) to go from being sent roses and having flirty conversations, to acting as just best buddies when face to face.
Ok, so I must go now and get myself ready. He’ll be here at about 2. Ohmygodohmygodohmygod!
I will post when I can but I think the next two weeks are going to be VERY eventful!
Happy New Pagan Year!
PS. NO DISRESPECT MEANT BY THE TITLE
- Brands in the Future 1 (brandsandfilms.com)
- I woke up today = epic win 🙂 (melaniemarttila.ca)
- The End or The Beginning? (spilledcookies.com)
- The World Didn’t End (wotwentwrite.com)
- The end and the beginning (goingforwardblog.wordpress.com)
- Is America Becoming a Pagan Kingdom? (lynleahz.com)
- Is Christmas a pagan holiday? (righteousnessblog.com)