spending time with LeeBee!

That’s what I am calling my dude now cos he got stung this afternoon! No, I shouldn’t laugh, but it was by far the fucking funniest thing I have ever seen…I will write about it when I can stop crying from laughing. Yes, he’s fine now, don’t worry!

He’s back with me as from this morning! It has been the classic scenario, he gets here and spends time with Mum and Lisa then comes to be my best mate in front of my M&D, (and gets stung by a tiny bee and freaks out like a girl hahahahahahaha!) then goes back home to eat and then back here in the evening to carry on pretending to be my best friend, then climbs the tree circa 1am……..well at least I hope to holy crap he does….later on.

We’ve already had ‘the convo’ about why I can’t just tell my Nazi parents. I’m 18, yes, I know that BeeBoy, (rotfl) but then they wouldn’t give us as much freedom. Think about it. Although, he did say, and I have to admit, I sat and considered this…I could stay at HIS house cos his Mum is cool about us. I mean he’s 20. She trusts him. Unlike my parental prison guards.

But then, mine would forbid me to stay there, so wtf…..and it’s only 5 minutes walk away so my dad would stroll along down and knock on the door. Then Lee’s Mum would be in shit and she works for Dad and needs the money, so then? No. Let’s keep it

SECRET!

just for a laugh:

(and in case you are wondering, yes, I am in fact mildy drunk as I write, at this precise moment in time)

except we don’t belong to anyone else!

Oh I’m laughing so hard right now I think I just dislocated a rib!

 

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The weather has been horrific the last few days, flooding and high winds. I have been LOVING being in my attic cos I can really sit and listen to the wind screaming around the roof and watch the treetops swaying, groaning when their trunks move. It sounds very eerie and intense. My Aunt Serena is here this weekend so we are going to be hanging out again, making notes for the new novel ‘The Silent Angels’. She had a bit of a tiff with my M&D about them grounding me but they haven’t changed their stupid minds about the whole thing, neither the giving Mum all my receipts bollocks. Serena has always had these bouts of grief with my Mum (her older sister) because she’s cool and my Mum isn’t. Simples.

She has brought me some tobacco but not much. She used to smoke herself and gave up so she’s a bit like, Casey it’s bad for you, but knows that I have to give up cos I want to not cos I’m told too. We’re also drinking tonight. Mum and Dad are going to some party (again) so we’re staying in (again) and watching The Conjuring, American Horror story and The Shining. And getting a bit wasted. I deserve it.

I’m not long back from the surgery shift. Or the SSSS as I call it (ShittySaturdaySurgeryShift). Mum has said we have to go shopping tomorrow instead because she wants to go to Lincoln Christmas Market today. Good luck with that one! It’s the biggest and oldest market in Europe ALLEGEDLY and it’s about half hours drive from here. It’ll be crowded to shit. Serena lives in Lincoln and took her students yesterday and said it was heaving and you couldn’t see the stalls for stupid people’s bodies. No, not my type of enjoyable day out!

Lee is a work today until 5 and then comes back to chill and Skype with me until 7 when he’s going back to the bar. He’s trying to get money to give his Mum for Christmas cos he doesn’t trust his cockend Dad to send enough to give his sister a decent Christmas. He’s so sweet! If I was in that situation I would be freaking out about the fact that I wouldn’t be getting many presents but he’s more worried about his sister. *SIGH*

I think him and Lisa are going to Leeds on Boxing Day, for two days. That’s not so bad. We’ll have plenty of time to get up to scrummy activities!

Serena has brought me lunch…mmmm (and a sneaky glass of wine!) I doubt whether I will post today again as we’re going to work on the novel this afternoon and as I said, get wasted tonight.

So, so long imaginary kindred spirits. Have a great Saturday.

Before I go, I was asking S about cool music she used to (still does!) listen to. Two bands we have been listening to are Suede, The Sisters of Mercy and Siouxsie and the Banshees. Check them out! I likey………..

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down and out cold

June 2, 2013

I can’t believe he has gone.

Again I feel lost, cold, empty and alone.

The only relief is to lay in my bed that still smells of him, pull the sheets over my head and breathe….breathe and make believe he’s here again. Relive every second I can remember.

My God, what is this misery…..

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I want to smoke again. I want to drink myself numb. Just once. (or maybe more) Just to get through this next few days.

Fuck I am so miserable 😦

Night 2

May 29, 2013

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My life.

Yesterday we spent the afternoon together in the woodland and old graveyard. Places we used to hang out when everything was new and we were happy. There’s a grey cloud hanging over everyone now, despite my utter contentment to be with him again, to be able to stare at him…his long black hair that now tucks behind his ears…his long dark eyelashes that cast spiky shadows on his cheeks. He looks tired and older now. Not the smiley Lee I once knew. How we have both grown up. How life has fucked us.

His mum and dad are fighting non stop. He is tired of being in the middle of it, trying to be the one with the voice of reason. He says the worst thing is that they were fine when they were scraping by and having to pull together as a family. Now his Dad has got this job it’s as if all their underlying problems and grievances with each other have surfaced and they can’t see through any of the good times or the fact that they survived before. His Dad has given up. Lisa is in her room all the time crying.

I think he’s angry with his Dad but is trying to see it from his angle. Poor Lee. His curse is his empathetic nature. If it were me I would stay well out of it and let them fight their own battles. But my M&D are different. I am different. I am not close to them, not like Lee is.

We walked endlessly through wind and showers of rain, holding hands and sometimes wrapping our arms round each other. I needed it, needed to be close to him cos the Lee who I knew before was still in there somewhere, buried deep down. Lee, my protector. Lee, who was always so there for me. Now I have to get used to the fact it’s not all about me anymore.

At about 6pm, Lisa called him. I could hear her desperate voice. She needed him to go home. I tried not to show my disappointment and walked on ahead so he wouldn’t see my eyes. He came up behind me and embraced me (he can pick me up off the floor easily, him being so tall and me being a short arse) and then turned me around and found my lips with his. Heat, swirling, blood boiling….and he apologised for being such a downer. I shrugged and said that it’s what he has to do and we have to face it. He held me close for ages with his hands in my hair before kissing my head and saying he had to go and see Lisa.

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I asked if I would see him later that night. He said maybe, depending on Lisa and the situation at home.

He didn’t come.

We talked for a good 2 hours on the phone about everything and that he wanted to stay at home with Lisa as she wasn’t sleeping and needed him to be there in case. Yeh I feel for her but I have been sleeping alone for 6 weeks. I need him too.

I was like this last night….laying on my bed staring at the ceiling. Knowing he was so near yet so far. I wanted so much to be hidden in his room. But there’s no tall old tree to climb up. Only Lee can do the climbing……

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So I woke up late this morning feeling like shit and it’s pouring with rain. It’s so quiet. I took Chester for a short walk but it started pissing it down so I brought him upstairs. M&D don’t like it but tough shit. They are not here anyways so they won’t know.

Rain Animated Gif

Can’t be arsed to do anything. Just listening to music. This track over and over again:

I am outside

And I’ve been waiting for the sun

And with my wide eyes

I’ve seen worlds that don’t belong
My mouth is dry

With words I cannot verbalize

Tell me why we live like this
Keep me safe inside

Your arms like towers

Tower over me, yeah
‘Cause we are broken

What must we do to restore

Our innocence

And oh, the promise we adored?

Give us life again

‘Cause we just wanna be whole
Lock the doors

‘Cause I’d like to capture this voice

That came to me tonight

So everyone will have a choice
And under red lights

I’ll show myself it wasn’t forged

We’re at war, we live like this
Keep me safe inside

Your arms like towers

Tower over me
‘Cause we are broken

What must we do to restore

Our innocence

And oh, the promise we adored?

Give us life again

‘Cause we just wanna be whole
Tower over me

Tower over me

And I’ll take the truth at any cost
‘Cause we are broken

What must we do to restore

Our innocence

And oh, the promise we adored?

Give us life again

‘Cause we just wanna be whole

Lee’s arms are my towers.

But I can’t feel their solidity right now.

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still into you

May 26, 2013

Yes I am, lee Chapman!

something in the way

May 26, 2013

Nice track choices for when I am in a FOUL mood after this week!

The Odd One Out

Kinda sums up my last post hehe 🙂

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Sometimes it’s just too much to even look at these. Today I put some as backgrounds on my lappy. I miss Yiayia and her stupid talk about boyfriends and why I dye my hair blue. Paps just used to sit there sipping coffee and beaming at me. It’s not fair. They are my flesh and blood but they won’t come to England. They think they are too old…..Yiayia has never been out of Greece, never been on a plane. What a life…just being at home all day learning how to cook and bringing up her kids. My Dad and my Aunt Sophia. God, she is a weirdo though! I dunno…I kinda liked her but she was so loud. Like, why dye your hair blonde if you have got naturally BLACK hair and olive skin? No! I would LOVE to have black hair and olive skin! Look at me. To say I am Half Greco, it sucks really that I took Mum’s complexion! WHY GOD, WHY?????

‘Itan para poli wraia na se xerw…..elpizw oti mia mera, tha ksanasinandoume…tha mou leipseis poli’

I don’t know if I remember that right….D wrote it down in English letters for me and wouldn’t translate it. I lost it though, I have looked everywhere for it. I didn’t dare ask dad in case it’s something ‘personal’ hahaha. I can’t google it to translate because it’s not in proper Greek letters………Damn!

Some more shots of the city of light!

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this one is near where we got off the bus in the centre. I LOVE the way it looks so intense with the shops and apartments stacked up…and then an ancient church next to it.

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a random night shot along the port front….can you tell I was wasted? hahaha

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D took this…right down a step nearly touching the water in the port. I was too drunk to do it I would have landed in there for sure!

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around the same area by day…

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random backstreet shot

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D made me go up the White Tower even though I was shitting myself. He took this so I would be able to see the view at least from a camera. He called me ‘Kota’ which I believe is CHICKEN.

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ancient ruins in the midst of this heaving and wonderfully mad city centre! All the shops round here are hippy/goth/arty.

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abandoned baby! Oh yeh!

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one of the cafe’s where I drank copious Frappe’s (gliko me gala!)

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We walked this strip til we wore it down I reckon!

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random cool shot of nice buildings…The National Bank I think

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Some big protest…….can’t remember what about. Apparently it’s always happening. Good!

Oh MAN look at those apartment buildings!

What does Casey want for Christmas? One of those blue ones! Er…dream on.

Oh I was sent this video…D says it is one of the best (traditional) Greek singers and the song is about Thessaloniki.

<iframe width=”420″ height=”315″ src=”http://www.youtube.com/embed/OpoLvi_GQYA&#8221; frameborder=”0″ allowfullscreen></iframe

Σ ΑΝΑΖΗΤΩ ΣΤΗ ΣΑΛΟΝΙΚΗ

means something like; I explore or delve into Saloniki

http://www.greek-dictionary.org/translate-english/delve

I suppose like he wants to know everything about the place. Like I do!

Purgatory

January 20, 2013

Another weekend on my own dreaming and contemplating the future.

I feel as though I’m trapped in the same Ground hog day over and over again.

Get up for college, go to college, come back, eat, do college work, listen to music, surf the net, talk to Lee, go to bed.

Is this it?

I hate January.

I may not even see Lee at February half term. He is skint. London drains him of all his allowance from his parents and they are not at all well off. How can he afford to travel back here? He keeps saying his Dad might fetch him but

we are not supposed to be boyfriend and girlfriend. Why, in that case, would he justify spending all that money on petrol?

Obviously I can’t go and spend the week with him staying in his Halls room. Can you imagine Mum and Dad’s reaction?

I could lie and say I am with Stella but then I don’t think Lee would agree with my lying. And where would I get the cash for the train or bus?

Fucks sake. Lee went on and on about how it would be hard for both of us if we went with our feelings. Long distance relationships are hard. There isn’t even a day to look forward to when I can defo say that I will see him. Summer holidays? Holy crap……

I really don’t usually listen to Avril Lavigne but I am loving this right now

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I’d need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I’m alone
And the bed where you lie is made up on your side
When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?
When you’re gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you’re gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you’re gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through
The day and make it okay
I miss you

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