in the white noise

June 29, 2013

Lee is still in London. I feel like I am living in the white noise….unheard but still lingering

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The Community Arts project has finished and Lee and Annabelle are there together. God knows what they’re doing, but it pisses me off. I know that she hates going home to her parents in Gloucestershire because they are never around, a bit like mine really, but why does Lee prefer to be there with her than here with me?

He seems distant and I can’t get through to him. It’s like the Lee I used to know has gone. Every time I ask him when he’s coming home he gets tetchy and tries to change the subject. I spoke to Lisa yesterday and she’s well fed up too….he won’t talk to her either and they were so close. She reckons he is trying to avoid making the decision because he feels torn between his M&D. If he goes to his Dad’s then he’ll feel bad about her and his Mum but if he comes home he’ll feel bad for his Dad and that his Mum will have an extra mouth to feed.

Writing this has given me an idea. Dad mentioned that he wants me to do some work on reception at the surgery. Why don’t I suggest that Lee takes up the position instead? That would bring some cash in. His Mum cleans every morning for Dad there, so she will be able to give him a lift!

Then he might come home.

There are NO jobs around here. Let me put this into perspective.

There is my house and Lee’s house. We live exactly 3 minutes and 24 seconds apart (I know cos I have timed it!) and there is NOTHING else around here except woodland, a bus stop, an old graveyard and one winding country road that goes out of the hamlet towards the town where I go to college. Dad’s surgery is a renovated village hall that stands on this road just after you leave the hamlet. There are a few other hamlets and some villages around here, that’s why Dad took over the surgery, but no shops or ANYTHING.

Mum helps him out sometimes but Lee’s Mum is the only person that Dad employs right now and she cleans, as I said. He needs someone to answer the phone and book appointments etc. I was about to agree to do it in the mornings, cos quite frankly, me is BOREEEEEED and piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiissed off and needing some serious diversion from missing Lee and worrying my guts about what the actual fuck he is still doing with bitch face in London! I had an eureka moment with this as I made out I really didn’t want to…and bugged Dad for a compromise…which was….DRIVING LESSONS! And do you know what? He had agreed! Oh my GOD how I would love to own a frickin car and be able to get the sweet fuck out of here whenever I want!!!!

But I would rather be here with Lee than have driving lessons right now.

Oh….a text just came through.

”Hi beauty. Just to say that I will be back in my room at about 9 o’clock and I am staying in tonight. No shift. Hope you’ll be in as well. Need a long Skyper with you. Love you xx’

Aww. Ok. Where’s the Bitchabelle then? Ha that’s pretty cool! Bitchabelle!

That means in about an hour.

Right. I will go downstairs and talk to Dad about undoing our dealio about the driving lessons, and if Lee can do it instead. Then I can tell him!

Then sort out my fugly face ready to Skyper…..

Laterz 🙂

 

 

 

 

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So I’m still waiting to find out when Lee’s coming home.

I’m starting to think he doesn’t want to.

I’m just in limbo, not knowing when...I can’t make plans because as soon as I do, you can bet your asshole that he’ll suddenly announce he’s coming back and I’ll be in Outer Mongolia or somewhere!

Dimitri wants me to go to Thessaloniki.

Stella wants me to go to her’s.

My Aunt wants to come and see us.

I think Dad would let me go stay with the Greekies if I asked and that would really piss Lee off (well, I hope it would). Not playing games or anything….I can say what I want on my blog here cos no one is going to read it except for people I don’t know and especially not Lee.

I feel like shit and my evil heart wants to make him feel bad too.

I know that’s wrong but I feel massively cheated.

M&D are fed up with me moping around upstairs and Dad wants me to go work in the surgery. WTF. On reception!

Oh my life………..

 

 

Oh what a great sub to talk about. Normal. It doesn’t exist. Simple.

Because lee’s not here yet. And I’m boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooored.

He’s working. Why? Well to cut a long story short, his Dad has decided that he’s not going to be sending his Mum and sister any money! WTF would be about right. I mean, it’s NOT right that he should do this, surely? Lee has been on the phone with him every night trying to sort it, but apparently his M&D had a huge row and that was the last thing he said to her. Lee is, of course, fuming with him for many reasons. The obvious being that he HAS to provide for his family even though they are filing for divorce. He will have to pay them money legally so why stop now and make it worse!? Poor lee has had to scrounge extra hours in the bar to send money back to his Mum while this childish situation gets resolved. That leaves me and him up in the air as to when he can come back home for the summer, as well as the problem that he can’t stay in his house over summer without paying rent, which is massive. His Dad’s not going to carry on paying for his rent (if he’s in such a fucking foul strop) for Lee to work to send money home to his Mum. lee said that he’s willing to lie to his Dad, saying that he’s got to stay and do Uni work, for the sake of being able to stay and earn some cash! Jesus fucking Christ.

I just listen to all this every night, trying not to get upset, trying to be supportive, thinking WHEN ARE YOU COMING HOME!!!??? I don’t want him to have extra ball ache because I’m whining like a bitch at him. Fuck it!

Dimitri has gone to Thessaloniki for the summer and is, as we speak, at his parent’s summer house in Halkidiki. Mmmm. Jealous much? Hell yeh! I miss him. He hasn’t got an internet connection that can support skype so we just use msn and texting. Ouch. He told me that he’s dating three girls there already, all from Thessaloniki. Again, I try not to think about why I am scratched by the nails of the green eyed monster when he talks about it. I don’t know why.

He sent me this a few days ago. Twist the knife RIGHT into the wound why not?Diamerisma_agora_Thesaloniki_fotografia_19113222

Ok, this is the view he had of my (Grandparent’s) balcony when I was there earlier this year and we would sit outside til late in the night talking. looks like Yiayia has been clearing out a bit cos there are some cupboards and stuff there. I MISS MY ROOM SO MUCH!!!

I have been writing to my Greekies and I got a letter back from Yiayia the other day. I will post it on here, it’s amazing to see the Greek writing. I showed it to Dim on skype and he translated it for me. Awww I love my Greekies! I want to go back so much and I keep having dreams about it. I wake up and feel so sad. Lee is always there with me and Dimitri. I wish it could be like that…

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So I haven’t been doing much, just moping around. I know I should be happy that college is over til September, but surprisingly, I am am feeling deflated after the exams. I guess it’s cos I feel like I am DOING something constructive in my mission to get away from here and go to London with Lee when I am at college and working towards exams. Afterwards it’s back to being 17 year old Casey who still lives with her parents in a house in the middle of nowhere. Going nowhere with only Chester dog for company.

I did get to go shopping with Mum (well, I say with, but she went to Next and I went to some charity shops) and these are two things I picked up. Cool eh?

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There are so many things I want to do, but can’t. Like:

1. Get a tattoo on my wrist. (M&D forbidden).

2. Get a nose ring. (M&D forbidden).

3. Go to Greece and hang out with D.

4. Go to London and hang out with Lee.

5. Go to my Aunt’s and help her write the next novel about me and Lee. (I might get to do that soon actually).

Basically, this is what I have done every day since I broke up from college:

  • Got up around midday.
  • Taken Chester for a walk.
  • Showered and put makeup etc on.
  • Sometimes eaten breaky and mostly not!
  • Sent Lee and Dim a text message each and replied to them.
  • Tried to tidy up my room and sort out dirty clothes, taken some downstairs, shoved them in the washing machine.
  • Attempted to iron some but given up. How dull is that fucking job???
  • Gone for a walk in the woods again with Chester.
  • Read a book or magazine. (Currently reading The Ritual by …..some guy and can’t get into it!)
  • Surfed around on Youtube for any new stuff on paranormal investigations.
  • Listened to music. Current favourite includes Sneaker Pimps.
  • Had a cheese and pickle sandwich.
  • Written some diary stuff.
  • Talked to lee on the phone or Skype.
  • Stared out the window and missed Lee a lot.
  • Gone downstairs to eat with M&D. Avoided a lot of topics -of -the- day for example, what are you going to do for the next 6 weeks, Casey?
  • Helped Mum (not Dad you notice!) clean up the kitchen.
  • Back out to take Chester for a walk. Stayed out a long time cos I love this time of day. Twilight.
  • Watched TV in my room or some youtube vids.
  • Listened to music on my i pod. Dozed off.
  • Woken up at around 12 midnight to talk to Lee on Skype. He texts me if he sees I am asleep hahaha! How cool is that!
  • Watched a DVD or something else to try and take my mind off missing Lee (approximately 3am each night after he falls asleep).
  • Fallen asleep around 4:30am……………

Cool. Not. Very not.

Things have to change………..

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Some local newspaper took some photos of Lee, Annabelle and all the kids for the Community Project this afternoon. They have interviewed Annabelle already and want to talk to Lee tonight. The fucking dark-ass horse never told me they took some cool photos as well…him and Annabelle, with her expensive bloody camera…no no no no no no I hate that thought! But anyways he says this one is for me……..yeh it’s pretty damn gorgeous as well! Look at my eye candy!

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Sorry it’s a short post but I a talking on Skype with the eye candy man himself so gotta get back to him.

First off. ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Why is my head still shoved full of wet cotton wool? My limbs feel like they have been sawn off and sewn back on by a clumsy drunken elf on acid.

I only just got up and had something to eat. Lazy biaaatch!

So. I spoke to a destroyed Lee last night. Divorce proceedings have now begun between his M&D. How can two people who created another human being as sweet, kind, considerate and loving as Lee, be at each other’s throats? I could understand if it was MY parents. I mean they have a devil spawn for a daughter mwahhhhhhhh aaaaaaaaaaaaarhhaaa! But no, seriously. It’s horrible. Lee is gutted and doesn’t know where his loyalties lie; with his Mum who didn’t want the divorce, or his Dad who instigated all of this but went through a nasty time being unemployed and getting into debt to provide for his family. I said that both of them need him and deserve his attention. I think he his angriest with his Dad though for moving out and not giving his Mum a chance.

I don’t want to get married EVER. Not even to Lee. I will have his love child and we will live in sin.

We had a slight argument because I was irritated and tired and so was he and I didn’t realise I was hassling him about when I was going to see his face again and it better be soon etc etc. He was like, PLEASE Case, give me a chance to work my last shifts and save some money to get back…and sort out my halls room and and and……..don’t keep going on….

Oh Ok.

Fuck.

He then fell asleep with his head facing the wrong way and his feet on the pillow. I could see the top of his head all night. He didn’t stir at all. Knackered out. We exchanged apologies this morning and he went out somewhere to try and sort out the end of that community project he is still doing with Annabelle. He didn’t have exams as such, just continual assessments and critiques, so he should officially have completed his course once this project is wrapped up. Better hurry the fuck up cos I miss you!

I hope bitch face doesn’t want to come here for summer.

So I am here, in my attic AS USUAL. Chester is on my bed and all I can see are HUGE piles of dirty clothes screwed up and flung all over the floor. Scraps of paper and paint and all kinds of crap from my Art prep for the 10 hour exam still littered all over my art desk and the floor underneath. Bollocks. I suppose that’s my next job! Mum is going to FREAK out when she sees all the washing.

She told me the other day that she will not take any responsibility this summer for the state of my room or my unwashed clothes, ironing or meals! WTF? Dad says I am spoiled and need to start looking after myself because Mum is not a skivvy. Oh yeh? So why doesn’t HE cook then? Why does she do EVERYTHING for him? Hypocritical as shit. Male shauvenist fucking pig attitude! Mum is so lame, she gets on my tits. Running around after Dad all day. Can’t she stand up to him? Get a fucking job so she doesn’t have to be at home all the time? HOW DULL!

Anyhow, I digress.

I need to know when D is going back to Thessaloniki for summer. I will be spitting!  His uni stopped a week or more ago but he is still hanging around. I think he’s waiting for his Dad to send him the flight money or summats.

What do I need to fucking do?

1. Tidy up.

2. Dye my pale blue hair. Although it looks ok somehow…

3. Get some summer clothes on the go…need to get into town and raid the charity shops.

4. Decide what I’m gonna do this summer. That depends on Mr Chapman!

5. Do some art work

6. Collaborate with my Aunt about the next spooktastic story about me and Lee!

7. Arrange for Stella to come here…I am NOT going there because a). I would not see Lee and b). She will always be with….him. (Dan? Chris? Can’t remember).

oh! Lee is back! Hahahaha he’s smiling! Best get this posted……….

 

 

Freedom!

June 15, 2013

So exams are over!

English Lit, Art & Design and Theatre Studies. I think the English Lit and Art are fine, I mean I studied a lot for the English and the Art is my best sub. The Theatre Studies, not so sure. Anyways, I really don’t give a shit right now. Enough is defo enough, I feel drained and lifeless from all this bullshit, plus I haven’t had chance to talk to Lee or Dim properly for too long. I need to find out if Lee is coming back cos you know, he has to go see his Dad in Leeds and that’s if he can get out of working shifts in the bar. Luckily I haven’t had the strength to worry about this fact yet, so I don’t really want to trip out about it until I know for sure what the deal is. I need Lee. I need his arms, I need his warm and his skin.

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I need to hug this and then I need to hug LEE!!!

Who would miss me?

June 9, 2013

I have been thinking about this a lot. And I have just read another blog saying exactly the same.

It’s at times like this when I have spent my entire weekend doing college work (we have got given details about our end of year exams which are actually AS Levels) and been trying to call/text people just to hear someone else SPEAK and no one is picking up or answering, that I feel just so fucking lifeless and devoid of purpose.

My parents…well Dad has been working all weekend. He usually does, this is the thing about him being the only Doc for miles around. His own daughter going through a SHIT time but he doesn’t seem to know or bother to ask. Mum has been either out in the garden fiddling with her flowers and paving slabs and hasn’t called upstairs hardly at all, just to tell me when meals are ready. Then she usually just gives me mine and goes off somewhere else saying that she has had hers and Dad’s is plated up ready for when he gets home. And???

Ok, I know I could go downstairs into the garden more often, play with Chester there, but she usually shouts and says he scuffs up the lawn or tramples the flowers. That’s why I always take him to the woods. My haven.

Stella is NEVER free to talk. Always with Ian. Or is it Mark? Fuck’s sake I can’t keep up with her.

Kate and I haven’t spoken for about 2 weeks.

Dimitri is in London this weekend. I think it’s a cousin of his or a relative at least, who is doing a Masters there and he’s gone to spend some time with him. He says he gets tired of speaking English sometimes and needs to kick back and speak his own language. I get that, it must be hard. I tried to talk to him in Greek the other night on Skype but he fell about laughing as soon as I opened my mouth so he has put me off doing it now, the evil shitface! Yes so anyway, he’s not picking up.

Lee. I spoke to him this morning but he’s got a shift at the bar today. He does only weekends now. I will get to talk to him later on at about 11:30, but meanwhile…???

He gets a bit pissy with me when I talk about this anyway. He thinks I am being hostile and should try and talk to my parents more instead of hiding away in my attic, away from the world. Yeh ok, but he’s really close to his M&D and sister. I am an only child and do not have anything in common with my parents. Except that my Mum used to be a good artist and my Dad is Greek. Loads then!

I can’t be arsed to talk to them. Am I a bitch?

I like my own company. Is that wrong?

I’m allowed Chester up here now as well so even less reason to go downstairs into Mum’s domain of Elle Decor magazine.

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I’ll just listen to some music and stare outside at the setting sun. It’s peaceful.

Unlike me.

 

 

I have been thinking about this a lot as well. I once spoke to my Dad about it (he’s a Doctor). I didn’t disclose ALL the horrible thoughts I sometimes have (you know the ones…about killing him and Mum when they piss me off etc) but he said that it’s pretty normal for teens (particularly girls) to go through this uncertainty. He reckons it’s all part of finding ourselves (and due to hormones!). My boyfriend also went through this, he said, from the age of 15 to 18 and says now that he’s 19 he is feeling a balance inside himself…Like not so up and down easily. Does this help anyone else?

Addiction

June 9, 2013

I concur! I still need it. Now more than ever as it holds my memories, my ties to people I miss and my hopes for the future 🙂

The Odd One Out

Music is my addiction. 

At school I felt like I was falling into nothing and I just wanted to scream.

So I let the music scream for me.

It felt like my oxygen. It created this perfect little bubble of chaos. 

I needed it.

I needed the voice whispering sweet thoughts of suicide.

I needed that chilling riff note that gave me shivers.

The steady beat of the drum set the rhythm of my heart.

This is how much I need music.

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