2014 so far….

I haven’t blogged since before New Year, in fact I haven’t blogged THIS year at all. Sounds so bad.

I left all my college work til last minute and when Lee left last weekend I had to get it all done. In one day. Feeling SHITBALLS about life as I usually do after he has gone. I went back to college for one day and then started (well, continued) to feel like shit and dad said I had a virus. Then I started chucking chunks. It was vile. I have been off this whole week, just curled up in bed between hurling into a bowl on the floor and visiting the loo. Just fucking hideous.

There’s not really much to write about, well nothing exciting at least. I had a perfect time with Lee. He came back from his Dad’s the day after boxing day and wasn’t in a great mood, but that’s understandable. He spent some time with his mum after that but kept coming back at night. I had my period (yeh, thanks for that. GREAT TIMING) so it was no sex but he still wanted to sleep in the same bad as me and cuddle up. Result. Stella’s boyfriend doesn’t stay with her when she’s on so I feel blessed that lee sees me as more than a shag at night. I just LOVE waking up all tangled with him. He’s got really hairy legs and it feels weird but I have got used to it hahaha.

We had another blue about me not wanting to tell my parents. I think I mentioned that my Nan somehow found out that Lee was in my room? She left me a note in one of my jacket pockets saying that she knew about ‘the boy’ and that she wouldn’t tell M&D but that I should be really careful. We’ve already been through the pregnancy scare once so we are both more aware of that possibility. I told him that it’s not long before I (hopefully) get accepted on the foundation course in London so we can be together. I just HAVE to get into Uni in London. What if I don’t? It’s not worth thinking about. My first choice is St Martin’s, not because lee is there, but it’s the best one in my opinion. My second and third choices are Chelsea and Kingston. I have applied already and I have to get at least a B in each of my A level subjects to get into St Martins. This is why I am freaking out most of the time and spend all my time working! I managed to persuade Dad to let me go to London to do my Art Foundation because there are NO foundations courses close by around here and because I have done A levels, that’s the next step before my Degree. Lee did it differently, I think he did BTEC so he could go straight to London and start his Degree.

I just can’t wait to get away from here, even though I love it for the serenity, lack of humans and woods and nature. I need to meet cool people, be with Lee, stop all this insane jealousy about Annabelle, and be in a place that inspires me and lets me be Casey.

I listened a lot to Lee playing guitar this holiday. I really want to learn but when he tried to teach me I screamed like a dick cos it really hurt my fingers! Here’s a GIF I made of him playing. I did it on Photoshop.

So tomorrow it’s back to the grindstone and the rat race. Fuck it. The one positive is that I’ll be starting driving lessons on Tuesday evening and the sooner I get my licence, the sooner I get a car and the sooner I’ll be able to motor on down to London whenever I feel the fuck like it. I would set off at about 11pm, drive for about 3 hours cos there wouldn’t be anyone on the motorways at that time really, and get to London at about 2am….spend a divine few hours in bed with Lee and then drive home by about 8am and get ready for college. Then die at about 2pm that day from being trashed! So what, Fuck it.

Oh forgot to tell youz. One of the prezzies Lee gave ‘us’ for Christmas was this cute pillowcase set. He has taken one with him though so we are both sleeping on them.

So ….dinner time for me now. Uggh I still feel a bit queazy. Oh well. I can’t stand the thought of anymore fucking soup. Vomtastic. I wish I could drink copious amounts of wine to get me through to February half term. So fucking LONG. Amber Leaf, red wine and Chester.

~C~

Happy New Year. Maybe.

Yeh so Lee is at his Dad’s with Lisa. Until tomorrow night. Yay!

Oh my GOD every time I see this dude he gets sexier, I swear! He just looks and smells so amazing to me, I can’t understand how other girls refrain from throwing themselves at him and raping him!

So I said he was turning up at about 10pm but it went a bit tits up because he got here at 9pm and Mum let him up to my room without shouting up that he was here. He caught me having a sneaky fag out the bathroom window! He wasn’t happy about it and said I reeked of it, but I shut him up by snogging his gorgeous face off. He said he had to go back home and see his Mum and Lisa and I was like, ok sexy but when are you coming back to ravish me? Ha!

He did come back. We spent an amazing night together, neither of us slept and M&D were all about the quezzies next day cos I couldn’t keep my eyes open. Oh yeh, they have lifted the ban on me having fun just until Lee goes back. Thank God. I told him about it anyways and he wasn’t happy about my smoking but said he doesn’t own me and therefore can’t tell me to stop. I explained that I don’t smoke much and he seemed ok about it. Just concerned about my health which is fair enough. Even if he had told me to stop I wouldn’t have done cos I am so fucking bloody minded.

Christmas Eve I went to Lee and Lisa’s and we watched some TV and a couple films. Joel stayed until about 10pm and then had to go, he wanted to drive back in the night, back to Surrey, and spend Christmas with his family. Lisa was gutted. I felt for her. I went back home and spent some time with Gramps and Nan before they went off to bed. Then of course waited for Lee to climb the tree at midnight and ……..*£(&^$%^^&&!!!!!

Christmas day was better than what I thought it would be. I got up pretty late, around 11am and Mum was freaking out because she thought I hadn’t made my Christmas dinner veggie style. But I had, it just needed microwaving!

Jamie Oliver’s Vegetarian Cannelloni

Get the recipe here:

http://www.jamieoliver.com/recipes/pasta-recipes/christmas-honeycomb-cannelloni

I got dressed up in a long silky jade green skirt, a black loose weave jumper with stars in a kind of glittery thread, purple tights and my docs. I have left my hair a pale shade of blue and it looks like it’s got purply lilac in it cos my Aunt put some semi permanent streaks in it the other week! I should have taken a selfie but tbh 1. I’m not that vain and 2. No one wants to see my ugly mug splayed across the internet!

Then I went to get Chester in and put his Christmas collar on him, then called Lee to say hi and Dimitri in Greece. I went downstairs and sat with the oldies while M&D were in the kitchen preparing dinner and Nanna goes ”So, Casey, who is the tall, dark and handsome boy I saw running across the yard early this morning?”

I died. Shrivelled up and almost blacked out.

I sat there and felt like I wanted to die. Then I burst out laughing. You know when you are so shocked, like when someone tells you some really bad news and you laugh cos you don’t know what else to do? Yep. And I couldn’t stop. On and on. I was snorting and snotting everywhere. Dad poked his head round the door and asked me what the heck was going on….I had to leave the room. I stayed in the downstairs loo for about 15 minutes and Mum came and asked me if I was ok and that she wanted a wee. I came out and walked back in. Nanna was asleep! Pops winked at me and whispered ‘It’s alright, love, your nan can keep a secret!’

Jesus.

So then I opened presents. I got a new sewing machine from Pops and Nanna, which I have wanted for EVER, 18 driving lessons from M&D and guess what was attached to the voucher? A certificate, like a promise from Dad that when I pass my driving test, he will BUY ME A CAR!!!!!

Yes, you read it right. BUY ME A FUCKING CAR!

Then Dad gave me my present from Yiayia and Papous in Thessaloniki. Two envelopes. The first one had a letter inside from Olympic Airways saying that I had two return flights to Thessaloniki this summer and I could phone them up and arrange the dates when I was ready. TWO!!!! Second envelope. I opened it and there was a booklet in there about Greek Language courses in Thessaloniki. Yiayia had put a note inside saying that I could research this online and let her know which one I wanted to do and she would go ahead and book it and pay for it! I went online and found it:

http://www.ikariancentre.com/lang/en/greek_language_courses_thessaloniki

OH MY DAYS!

AND LEE CAN GO WITH ME!

We can stay in Yiayia and Papou’s garconier!

Well stoked!

Oh man. My Mum is calling me down to eat. I’ll try and post again soon but Lee is back so….hibernation mode 😉

 

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I can feel it coming in the air tonight

At last! At fucking last! lee is coming home…..

I have been here, waiting for his return, in desperate, shitty, depressing, hollow limbo for a week. WTF. I don’t know how I am still alive.

He had to find someone to replace him at the bar he works at (if he wanted to go back to that job in the new year, which he does cos it’s his only income) and find someone to stay at the house over the holidays as the landlord lives in Japan. A bit far to come and check up on it then? It’s in quite a rough area in North London so there needs to be someone there at all times ideally. He has stayed before and the landlord let him off the rent for that holiday period. Quite a good deal but not NOW. I think he said Cloe was staying and her brother is coming over from Portugal for Christmas to stay there with her. Weird. Lee wasn’t happy about her staying there even one night on her own, but she insisted. I think it would be fucking cool in a big Victorian 4 storey place, all alone, dodgy area, barricaded in! But then I am a little bit fucked up. Or a lot.

Yeh so he is setting off around 6pm and will be here about 10pm…………………………………YEEEEEEEEES!

I have managed to save up 30 quid out of my allowance to buy him something cool for Chrimbo even though he told me not to. I’ll try and persuade M&D to ‘allow’ me to take him into town tomorrow and buy him something. The fricking ‘grounding’ has not yet ceased even though it’s CHRISTMAS, the season of good will and all that crap. Fucking great parents. I really hope they ease off because I will have to tell Lee why I can’t go out with him and Joel and Lisa…because I am grounded for having smokes in my bag!

He will not be impressed.

So I have been just literally moping around. My Aunt has tried to motivate me to add stuff to The Silent Angels website, but I have been lacking motivation. Totally. I wanted to sort out my clothes but I haven’t, well today I managed to put them all away, which is a fucking miracle. That’s only cos I found out last night when Lee was coming and it cheered me up. Pulled me out of my scrooge-like existence.

Have caught up on sleep (I hope Lee has as well cos I intend to keep him up all night, every night, haha) and half cleaned out my room from a term’s worth of crap accumulated. Papers, art work, paint, books, old makeup pallets…carrier bags of rubbish, dirty clothes, broken jewellery needing to be mended…oh the list is endless. At least it’s clean. I intend to aromatherapise it up (is that a word???) and arrange all my candles near the bed area in anticipation of a few hot nights of ‘pash’ coming up VERY soon! Oh I am going to rip the clothes off that scrummy body of his. Phwooooooooooooooooooor!

What else have I done? Been to work at the surgery. Boring as shit Saturday mornings. No one calls much or comes in. I sit and fiddle with my phone. Stare at the clock, text Lee, text Dim, text Stella. Make out my grocery list for ASDAs. Look forward to my weekly shop with Mum. Not. At. All. Grumpy cow.

Pops and Nan are coming on Tuesday. Good job they are deaf, not be awful, but they are staying in one of the guest rooms that’s near my stairs that come up to the attic so they potentially might hear mine and Lee’s night time ‘pursuits’. Nah. They go to sleep at about 9pm bless them.

I have read Book number 3 of The Beautiful Dead series and it was chuffin awesome. The fourth is the last one where Darina gets to solve Phoenix’s murder. I am intrigued by how it’s going to end cos after she has solved Phoenix’s, it’s the last one and she’ll never see him again. Ooo it’s a bit of a heartstring tugger and I don’t usually get soppy about books.

http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/7877758-phoenix

I love the covers:

   

     

 

 

 

So it’s tea time for me. I bought some quorn pies yesterday that look amazing. So I will eat the mash tates that mum is making and have some green beans and carrots as well. Gotta go down and help Mum and try and wangle my way around her so she lets me go out tomorrow…..

This is what I crave…..

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A sense of freedom in the barbed wire

So College is over til January. Yay. I have thrown my school bag into a corner of my room and intend to forget it til Lee goes to his Dad’s Boxing day. I can’t, just frickin CANNOT deal with it right now.

So I am playing the waiting game once again. Lee has been asked to please stay on in London and do some shifts in another pub and look after the student house, but he to come here beginning of the week so he gets time with me and his Mum before Christmas. I think Pops and Nan are coming here again. I spoke to my Greek Yiayia and Papous ON THE PHONE yesterday evening! What’s so amazing about that I hear you all yell. Well they don’t speak English and I have learned enough Greek to have a basic convo with them. Well chuffed.

Dimitri is on at me about meeting up before he goes back to Thessaloniki for Christmas. I would LOVE to meet up with him, but I must not forget that 1. I am still grounded like a fucking assclown and 2. He wants to climb inside my pantaloons, you get my drift. 3. I don’t know if I could resist that even though I love Lee. Weird shit going on between myself and these males in my life. Can’t figure it out.

Lisa has been calling around a lot. I told her about why I’m grounded and she swears not to tell her bro. I hate lying to him, but you know, I get so bored and lonely here all on my own. A bottle of red and a few rollies once in a while should be granted to me! Lisa smokes anyways….I have suggested she switch from Camels to Amber Leaf but she won’t. I can’t smoke Camels, fuck no. My chest will cave in.

Yeh so I am just waiting to find out when he’s coming. There was talk of Joel coming too, which would be ok I guess as I like the dude. Makes me laugh. I just need to spend time with Lee on our own, but I guess Joel and Lisa will be surgically joined at the hip (or groin area hahaha) anyways so that should be possible.

one worrying piece of news. Lisa told me that when she was in London, she got talking to Annabelle about her boyfriend and she told her that he is 10 years older than her and it’s like her parents have rented him to take care of her as he buys her all her stuff; clothes, makeup etc. She doesn’t love him and is trying to figure out how to break up with him as he has hit her before and threatened to crash the student house. She has slept in Lee’s room before as well. I didn’t see that! She is also scared that if she tells him to fuck off that her parents will disown her and she will have to survive on her own with no money. Bad luck. As long as she doesn’t try and latch onto lee as a boyfriend, I don’t care what she does. I mean, he is such a provider. Look what he does for his sister and Mum, working all hours to send money home as well as support himself on the miserly allowance his tool of a dad sends him.

Excited about the new novel I am working on with my Aunt. We share this Blog, so we can both work on each post before we publish. Hopefully we’ll get to work on more this holiday period and Lee will be able to help as well cos he has ace ideas for twisty tales of darkness!

Here’s the link to the blog:

http://thesilentangels.wordpress.com/

I also want to get all my clothes out of my ‘wardrobe’ (I don’t think there are hardly any clothes in my wardrobe, most are in piles on the floor right now hahaha) and see what I can do to revamp them. Lately I have just become a bit lazy with clothes, like for college I tend to wear black or grey skinnies with a dark blouse or maybe something like a band tshirt, a long cardigan,a scarf and Docs. Boring.

This is the kind of thing I am currently wearing:

For college:

For going out (when I’m not grounded…)

I would like to be wearing:

I just want to look a bit more edgy but without having to spend HOURS getting ready…

I’m hungry. I’m going to Skype Lee for a bit before he goes to work (hopefully for the last shift) and then go cook summats. Tonight, chill out, watch American Horror Story and maybe The Conjuring again. Mum and Dad are still bluing out at me about the smoking. This could go on for AGES. I get to walk Chester, so I get some fresh air, but when Lee gets back I want to go into town with him and Lisa and go to some gigs, maybe go shopping with Lee, which we haven’t done yet EVER, and buy him something cool for Chrimbo.

Lisa brings me tobacco..haha up yours M&D. We are not best buds by far but I guess you could say we are getting along ok. I don’t trust easily and I find most people fuggin annoying, so we shall see. We get to talk about Lee when she comes round though, so that’s a good thing. Oh man I just hope this holiday is going to be a good one. I need some good times………..

Fuck Christmas already and it’s only the beginning of December

The latest:

I have been getting a whole bunch of excited as the festive season approaches. Two more weeks at college and then I break up with 3 weeks off! Lee told me that he’s also got 3 weeks and before I really sat down and fucking THOUGHT about it, I started making all these plans in my head about what me and him can get up to with 3 whole muthafuckin weeks on our hands to spend TOGETHER.

But then, of course, the raindrops of shit began falling on my head. AS ALWAYS!

He has to see his Dad. His penis of a Dad will not come here and spend it with his ex family so Lisa and Lee will have to go there. To Leeds. That’s about 2 hours away. At least it isn’t going to be on Christmas actual DAY but still, when? I want to be with him on New Years else I will end up in a drunken stupor in my room alone, probably listening to depressing music and smoking my chest into ashes. I know it’s selfish but fuck it. He had an affair so he shouldn’t be the one calling all the shots!

M&D have told me that they are ‘deeply disappointed’ with my ‘conduct’ and that despite being given a ‘very reasonable’ (pfff) allowance and the chance to earn money to have driving lessons after Christmas, the revelation concerning SMOKING has counteracted all the trust they were building up in me and their hopes for me growing up and not being such a spoilt brat. Yes, Dad actually used the term SPOILT BRAT. Jesus. I am so desperate for a fag now that I have smoked all my hidden packets that I had stashed away or just left under piles of other crap in my room, and now I am CRAVING for the sake of fuck, and I NEVER did before! Dad thinks he is tackling this issue by being the authoritarian who DICTATES what I put into my body, but actually the numbskull has gone and made it all ten times WORSE. I really want a fucking rollup NOW after Lee just called me to tell me about his Dad! I might have to call Kate or my other not-quite-friend from college, Alex. He will bring me tobacco. The thing is though, Alex asked me OUT as in ON A DATE ‘out’ about a week ago and hasn’t spoken to me since. Just a feeble nod and turn of the face away when walking past me. So if I call him and get him to come over, he’ll think it’s to hang out and talk about THAT issue. Plus I NEVER invite people here so M&D are gonna wonder what the hell. Then I will have to lie and say he’s a friend, but then when he doesn’t come again they’ll remember and start grilling me about where Alex fucking is and why/what/how/who …

My life is crammed FULL of dilemmas. I am TRYING so hard not to lie. I used to lie all the time about everything, but since I have met Lee I have learned, from him, that it’s not good. IN THE END. Of course the most humungous lie I tell is that Lee and I are just friends. Hahahaha because it’s not worth the grief if they find out, he will be BANNED from even looking in my direction! I didn’t lie exactly about smoking because they never asked…now I am grounded and I have t give my Mum RECEIPTS when we go to ASDAs food shopping and for everything else I buy like makeup, books, music, clothes….so I don’t buy my beloved Amber Leaf…..aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrghhhh.  am soooooooooo gagging right now!

And I want to buy Lee a cool present for Christmas but how can I if they think we’re only mates they might give me like a tenner or something.

They have said I am allowed one present because of the driving lessons. Wow. The only thing I want right now can’t be bought with money.

My FREEDOM.

Oh fuck it. I’m calling Alex…..

 

 

What’s up now!

Right then, I am determined to be positive all the way through this post. If I lie then I lie. Fuck it. (But I may have to put a bunch of foot notes at the end and admit some true shit!)

Ok so let’s start with my favourite subject, lee. Yeh so he finally backed down and created a Facebook page. I mean hell, is it THAT difficult?? Apparently so. I know I don’t spend much time on it either but it’s really nice to post stuff to each other, right? Well, yeh. It was cool to begin with but it’s kinda started to wear off. The novelty I mean. We Skype every day so what’s Facebook? That was his original argument and I contested it and now I hate to say I agree with him! Oh well. Anyone want to help me by making Facebook more interesting? Befriend me?

https://www.facebook.com/casey.papadaki

At least I badgered him into posting up a nice recent photo of himself. Wtf is his problem with his face? It’s THE most gorgeous face ON the Earth’s surface! What do you guys reck?

I caught him by surprise the day he left after half term. We were standing near the trees and the sun was peeking through the bare branches, illuminating him a bit. I had to lighten it a bit but it’s a good representation of Mr Chapman my lover!

I am pissed off this weekend (being positive has already become tedious!) because all his housemates are away and he’s there all on his own. We could set that place alight all alone this weekend! I’m glad Annabitch has gone. Apparently she is going through some counselling and has been cutting her arms. I feel bad for her (I suppose although not a LOT) cos her parents don’t give a shit, she’s only got this man-friend to fall back on (well, apart from Lee and she does that ALL the time) who beats up on her a lot. lee refuses to have him in their house so she goes off every so often to see him. Lee’s not happy about it and I know he loses sleep over her, but what can he do? He’s got his own family crap going on,even though his dad has started sending some money to his mum and Lisa, at last. Tool.

He’s going to be even busier soon cos he’s starting an Art Therapy course alongside his Fine Art degree. He wants to work with kids eventually which is cool I guess. I wouldn’t do that though, when I get my degree in Art I want to use it for something else like design. More money! lee isn’t like me in that. He reckons that money isn’t everything and we should use our talents to help other people. Ok,yeh. But I want to help myself have a good life as well!

Yep, I’m a selfish bitch! (That’s why me and Lee are great together. He’s the humanitarian and I’m the money grabber. We will be able to do great things hahaha! )

Dimitris is like me in that way. I’ve mentioned before how he and I are similar and we get on because of that, but sometimes hate each other as well! We went a week without Skyping or calling each other over half term because of one little comment I made and he took it all wrong. He is fiery and a bit judgemental like me (apparently, according to lee, very judgemental), and once he gets pissed off he can’t get through that feeling easily and so will retreat. I do the same and it drives Lee crazy as he just wants to talk everything out. I can’t and he gets pissed. I need time to heal Casey and then I come back and I can take the critique better. What’s up with that? Thing is lee takes offence, being hyper sensitive, and takes it all personally, whereas when me and Dimitri fight, we come back a few days later and laugh about it. Most of the time.

Yeh, so what about him? Well. He’s currently single AGAIN. He keeps saying that every time he gets with a new girl, he’s fine for a few weeks then he starts comparing her to me and subsequently dumps her. What can I say? I keep telling him how I feel, and it’s the truth. If I wasn’t with lee I would’ve been on the first train to Manchester months ago. We flirt a little, but I try not to let it go too far. he’s very gorgeous and attractive. We get on really well because we are so similar, but I am in love with Lee. Sometimes I DO think I might be in love with both of them, but I don’t think that’s possible.

Is it?

College is still SHIT. I refuse to discuss it on this Blog because it already permeates too much of my time as it is. I always have a rant about it to Lee anyway so no more about the boredom and doom that IS my crushingly dull 6th Form. Yuuk.

Musically I listen to my favourites on a regular basis, namely when I fall asleep; Nirvana, Paramore, Panic! At the disco, Pearl jam/Eddie vedder.

Other much-listened to-lately are Flyleaf, Slint, Yellowcard and Sick puppies. Here’s a particularly fucking awesome video and track I love:

and on finding this I have also found some full albums such as these: I have just discovered Hurt. Fucking screaming.

Anyways I digress!

Talking of Youtube, I have been watching some awesome Vlogs and stuff by a girl called Sarah Hawkinson, who has her own Youtube Channel. I like her game cos she’s a vegetarian, she loves Rock/Metal music, horror films and also has a pretty cool style. At the moment she’s got a particularly fetching shade of purple hair. Check her out here:

Lee is off to work now. 6 weeks til I see him at Christmas, although he MIGHT get back here sooner if he doesn’t need to work. Same old as far as the finances go cos he needs money now for this Art Therapy Module….. 

Oh yeh the gossip about Lisa and Joel! We had a great time and it ends up that those two are now an item but Lee’s Mum DOESNT know about it. Lisa thinks that she’ll freak, but Lee is all about the honesty again (oh man give it a break!) and keeps getting at Lisa to tell her. Saying that though, she has been on the phone to me most evenings going on about it in that she’s never gonna see him. Welcome to my World!!!! I do actually quite like her, but I feel a bit dubious about her newly found good style of being mildly goth and starting to listen to decent tunes. I know..I KNOW I shouldn’t judge and be shallow about appearances, but you can’t go from dancing around your living room to Lady Gaga and Britney ‘Speared’ to suddenly listening to Metallica! Morally WRONG! I will see…we talk a lot lately so I am giving her a chance. Lee would be stoked up if we got to be genuine friends. 

I’m off to get food. Maybe back later but have got MOUNDS of work to get through later……………..oh and I MUST post those ghost pics I took with my Aunt! 

 

 

Christmas Catastrophes and other events (too many mince pies, too little Lee).

Oh no. Jeezuz. It’s so long ago since I wrote and a lot has happened. Stuff with Lee, Christmas, Grandparents,  Parents and all that. I think I will only be able to write if  I just talk about the main events. Well, the main event has been/is that I have hardly seen Lee at all due to Grandparents being here and also for the fact that I tried to ‘abscond’ and meet him during the night but I was found out. And grounded. How fucking humiliating.

So. Let’s go back a few days.

After the morning of Sunday’s happy but ‘beginning of a hideous chain of events’ day, I managed to persuade M&D to let Lee come round and we had to sit in the frickin living room and watch TV with them keep coming in and out to check up on us. It was awful. Lee had been texting me all day, saying that he was really sorry about falling asleep and that I should totally play innocent to my M&D and act sorry. He reckons that if I rebelled and kicked off, (as I usually do) then they may stop us seeing each other all together. I guess he’s right. Once again, Lee licks me into shape and stops me fucking everything up even more. Thank God he’s sensible.

We didn’t get to talk about the sleeping together episode. Not that evening anyway. He stood up at 11pm and said he had to go. Noone else was in the room for a few seconds and he kissed me on the cheek and squeezed my hand. Then again, he does that anyway so it wasn’t exactly a revelation. I went to bed that night so frustrated I wanted to really kick off at someone. Namely Mum. We texted each other late into the night, I just couldn’t sleep and neither could he. I told him I was really glad I had woken up with his arm round me and he said he had felt really happy too. I plucked up courage to ask him by text what it meant (it’s so much easier for me than asking him to his face or even on the phone. I don’t trust my voice, my eyes or my body language). He replied with this. I’ve saved it on my phone:

‘I feel that we are in a strange situation. I love you as a best bud but I feel something else for you that I haven’t sussed out yet. I don’t want to start anything with you until it’s clearer in our heads and this has all blown over with our parents. Agreed?’

Fuck! So he does feel something! I knew it!

I have been staring at that message since Sunday night.

I have tried to ask him more but he keeps asking me to leave the subject be for a while. I don’t want to piss him off so I will have to do as he asks. I know now that we’re more than friends. Progress!!!

So yes. The next day was Chrimbo Eve. My Grandparents turned up at about 12am so I didn’t get to see Lee at all. I had only been awake 10 minutes when Mum called up and demanded I go down and say hi to them. It was really nice to see them and I particularly get on with Grandpa Albie and we had some fab chats during the day. He loved my blue hair! Grandpa rocks! Mum told me that he used to be in a heavy metal band when he was younger so that’s why we gel so much I guess. Gran said that he was a rebel and used to throw stuff at her bedroom window so she would come down and see him. That was when they were teens. Cool. (It kinda gave me the courage to do what I did later on that evening, but more on that later. )

My G Pa

The day went by uneventfully. I kept my phone on silent in the living room so no one would know I was texting Lee continuously. His Aunt, Uncle and loads of cousins were at his house so he was in the same hole of hell. Well, not exactly cos he loves being with them all. He wasn’t answering my messages as promptly as usual so I gathered he was having a good time playing with his little cousins. It’s really sweet actually!

Gran kept asking me about boys and college but I only told her the basics. College is ok. I don’t love it or hate it. I tolerate it because I want my A Levels so i can go to Uni, find my freedom and get out of here and start my own life. She assumes I hang out with boys there but I don’t and she didn’t believe me when I told her that. She kept asking the same bloody questions again and again like she’s got Dimensia. I know she hasn’t, she was just trying to catch me out. By dinner time I was well and truly fucked off and bored so I excused myself and went upstairs to call Lee. He didn’t answer the first few times but then he did and we talked for ages. He said he missed me.

I had an idea. I used to climb down the tree that has branches under my south facing window in the attic. It’s really frickin high but I got to know each and every limb and fork during the summer and managed to climb up and down without doing myself a permanent injury. I asked Lee if he could get out at midnight and he said yes, after being a bit hesitant in the beginning. He said it wasn’t cos he didn’t want to but cos if I got caught it could mean us being in the shit big time. I managed to persuade him, as I usually do, and we arranged to meet in the woodland clearing that has been ‘our’ place ever since we became friends. I was sooooo excited!

So I went to ‘bed’ early that night. I waited until all the house lights were off and there was no noises at all from people moving about in the house. I wrapped up in warm clothes and opened the window. I couldn’t take a torch because the beam might have shone through M&D’s or Grandparent’s room. It was freezing and drizzling and my hood was up so I couldn’t really see what I was doing. I took my time, trying not to slip as the trunk was wet. I managed to get to the bottom in one piece and was just about to leg it across the garden and through the bottom gates when Chester started to bark. I had forgotten about that. I went over and tried to calm him down but of course he could smell me and went berserk! The next thing I knew, the kitchen door was open and Dad was tramping outside with his dressing gown on, shouting, ‘Who’s there? Casey? Casey! Is that you? What the hell are you playing at?’

I stood there like a numpty and waited for the bollocking that I knew was sure to come. Dad was so pissed off. What was I doing outside in the pouring rain, (that I hadn’t noticed) and why would I come outside in the middle of the night? (Slight exaggeration! It was 12:22am).

Needless to say, I was in deep shit. My parents go way over the top with shit like this, as if I’ve knocked someone off with a shovel and I’ve been foiled digging them a shallow grave in the middle of Mum’s flower beds. Jezus. Disaster. Dad growled at me to get back upstairs to bed and that I would not be going anywhere for ‘a very long time’ . Fuck.

I had to text Lee and tell him what had happened. He was gutted. He said that we should have known something would go wrong. I didn’t know what to say to him after that, he was quiet and kept sighing. I dried off, went to bed and lay there, not being able to believe what was happening. I had waited so long to see him and he only lived 10 minutes walk away but it seemed like we were on different planets.

this is what I felt like

Christmas Day was bleak. I tried to show happiness at my presents but it was all fake. What’s the use of presents when you feel so shit inside? Again, I was texting Lee all day but he only answered a few times, saying he was really busy helping his Mum with food and entertaining his cousins. It was a crap day. I ate too many Mince Pies and felt sick. I managed to sneak quite a lot of wine out of the kitchen when they weren’t looking so that kinda numbed the pain a bit and gave the day a slightly surreal tone. I often do that but never in front of them. Dad keeps lots of wine in the cellar and sometimes forgets to lock it. Oh what a pity. I end up smashed out of my skull upstairs in my room. I’ve only puked up once though. Chrimbo day I was quite out of it but managed to hide it well cos no one said anything.

So then it was Boxing Day. I got up really late because mainly I had a hangover and also I couldn’t stand the thought of going down early and having to listen to Gran asking Mum about my non existent boyfriend AGAIN. I am sure Mum had told her about Lee because she was giving me weird looks during lunch. Things were a bit strained. Mum had a word with me in the kitchen when they were all watching TV. She said that she knew I had been sneaking out to see Lee, that neither her nor Dad were born yesterday, and that I had better tread carefully or else. OR ELSE WHAT?

I managed to stick it out til about 3pm and then excused myself and went upstairs. I couldn’t cope any more. I stayed there til about 8pm when I took Chester out for a walk. Mum eyed me with suspicion and had to tell her four times that I wasn’t going to Lee’s. I can’t BELIEVE that I can’t even take Chester for a fucking walk with Lee now. They never questioned us before so why now? Just because we fell asleep in my room! I guess I didn’t help matters by sneaking out the window though. I was so desperate though, I wasn’t thinking straight. I should have listened to Lee when he said it was a bad idea…….

So today. Spent it with the family yet again. Got a bit wasted again on red wine. Pretended to fall asleep on the sofa. I actually might have done. Lee has texted me quite a lot saying he misses me and wants to see me. The feeling is sooooo mutual. We’ve just had an early meal cos G&G are leaving in about an hour. M&D said we will be having a ‘chat’ about the situation after they have left so I am waiting for the onslaught. Lee keeps texting the word calm and putting hearts on the end of the messages. I am going quickly fucking insane…

 

 

 

 

Bitter Sweet

Oh Jesus.

So this is what happened last night/this morning. (*glee*)

So, at about 2:30pm Mum called from downstairs and said that Lee was here. You can imagine what I’d been doing since I wrote my Blog. Getting myself ruffled and sexy! I shouted at him to come up and before I knew it, there he was, peering round my door grinning,

He gave me the biggest bear hug I have ever had and I was giggling like a fucking lunatic the whole time, my face felt like I had eaten a banana sideways. He then started to put is fingers through my hair and examine it. I was like an icepop on a sunny day. Splurgh!

I was bright red and so was he, his hair has grown loads it seems and he kept brushing his fingers through it and shaking his head at me as if he couldn’t believe what he was seeing. I was like, erm, have I grown a mutant wart somewhere? But he was staring at me in a really nice way and then he said, (yes, in capitals!)

YOU LOOK AMAZING….LY HOT!

HOT! HOT! HOT! You heard right.he said it! (Only once and slightly under his breath, but he DID).

He then got embarrassed and stared apologising and saying that was insensitive etc etc. I goes, not if you really meant it! Then he fucking changed the subject and started asking me ‘how I’ve been’ . How have I been? A fucking miserable insomniac, Lee, that’s how. But of course I didn’t say that. I sat on the bed next to him and started rambling about bullshit every day crap. That’s what we usually do. I love our gossips and little private jokes about people and situations, but I wanted more!

Anyway for another ooooo I dunno, 2 hours, we talked and laughed. Oh my GOD we laughed about so much shit. I was crying at one point and thought I’d have to get my inhaler out. He’s hilarious. (Oh, and he kept putting his hand on my LEG when he was talking, like he wanted to keep my attention. I don’t think he realised he was doing it. It defo got my attention!)

Then frickin Mum came upstairs. I could hear her hovering at the door, afraid to come in. There are no other rooms up here on my level so I reckon she was trying to eavesdrop. Cow. Anyway I shouted ‘Yes Mum!’ and she eased her way in with some FOOD. It kind of broke the spell a bit cos he immediately shifted his sexy ass away from me and sat with his back against my head board. This was noted by my Mum cos her eyebrow raised up and she couldn’t get out fast enough. I could tell she wanted to say something but she chickened it. She bloody made up for it this morning though, I can tell you. Shit!

When she was safely out of earshot I asked him why he had moved so fast. He was like, did I? Er, yeh man you did! So he told me that he was probably protecting her from thinking something had been ‘going on’. I was feeling brave and very flirty at this point and I said ‘Like, what could possibly have been going on?’ with a smuggly grin on my face. (I just made that word up. It means something combining smug and sexy/playful). He started giggling and nudged me. He then said, ‘You know, STUFF.”

FUCK ME, BOYS ARE SO DUMBASS AT TIMES!

I then said, again trying to push the subject, ‘So what if we were?’ and then he went serious. Silence for what seemed like ages. Then he said something about my Dad knowing his Mum really well and we would have to be so careful cos they could stop us seeing each other…..

I kind of hazed out like I was in a coma and just coming round. I don’t know why but I couldn’t take in what he was saying. I was aware that I had a piece of pizza in my hand and that a bit had dropped off onto my duvet, but apart from that I was mashed.

Then he was going ‘Caaaaaasey?’ in a cute singing voice and I forced myself to snap out of it. I think I was in shock or protective mode, like I didn’t want to hear anything negative so my brain wasn’t allowing me in on the convo. Fuck knows!

‘I’m just saying I know what my parents are like and how they think. It’s that small community mentality. You’re younger than me, everyone’s going to be protective. Your parents are the same, especially your Dad. I wouldn’t want them to stop us seeing each other that’s all. ‘

Do you know what I said? YEH YOU ARE RIGHT.

Yeh, you are right. What the fucking fuck??????!!!!!

I went a bit slopey after that. (My mood started going downhill a bit). Lee also started yawning and saying what a long day he’d had. I knew that, he had been up at 5 getting his Halls room sorted out and cleaned for the inspection. They have an inspection every end of term to check that nothing is damaged. He then travelled 6 hours on the train, so yes, he must have been knackered. That’s when I asked him if he wanted to watch a film and he was like, yeh, let’s chill out for a bit.

So I got a hand full of DVDs and we chose Insidious and The Awakening. We love ghost stories.

I turned the main lights out and had my little lamp on with my blue fairy lights that are around my bed frame. Oh God it was so romantic I was like…….ARRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Have you ever stopped in a moment like that, when you think, I’ve GOT to treasure this. Store it away exactly like this, so I can recall it in all its perfection whenever I like? That was one of them. Lee kicked his boots off and plumped up both my pillows while I sorted out my laptop. In hindsight, not great to watch it on the laptop as I used a tray that Mum had brought up and propped it between our legs. Non contact, casey! NO!

He was laying on my bed……with his arms around his head. Lee was ON MY BED. First time. I hope not the last!

I kind of sat with my legs curled up, on my side, propping me head up. It meant that I wasn’t too far away from him and my knees were in front of the laptop so they were almost touching him. I could feel my face glowing bright red the whole time. I did not watch those films like I usually do. My attention was on the space between my knees and Lee’s jeans. I kept edging further in, hoping he didn’t realise. he seemed engrossed in the film except when he occasionally looked at me, smiled or grimaced at something that was going on.  I could tell he was aware of our closeness, but I suppose for him it was a bit scary. He wouldn’t have wanted me to think he was about to take advantage of me. I wish to God he fucking would! Ha!

I don’t know what time it got to be, but Lee’s eyelids started drooping and I took the piss out of him a few times and he laughed and stretched a bit to wake up. My knees touched his legs then and he didn’t pull away. Next thing I knew he was asleep cos I couldn’t wake him. I thought he would wake up when the second film finished, but guess what guys? I FELL ASLEEP BEFORE THE END!

And guess what I found when I opened my eyes? Lee had his arm round me and I had my head on his chest. Oh sweet Lord.

I tried to stay so still so I could enjoy it, but I had a hideous thought. That was about the time. It was LIGHT outside! I tried to edge my head up over Lee so I could see my clock but that woke him up. He opened his eyes and immediately that he saw me started laughing his head off! Then he pulled me closer and gave me a huge hug. A horizontal hug, no less. HEAVENLY.

The he started swearing as he realised it was light in my room. He had to pull away to look at his watch and his face went to shit. He buried his head in my pillow and yelled ‘Frickin 10:45 IN THE MORNING!’

He was smirking and chuckling though, So was I. Until I realised I probably had the sickest morning mouth ever and my make up had probably been distributed on his tshirt.

He said he had to go and that he’s call me later on to do something. I could tell he was shitting himself. I guess it’s worse for him cos he’s the 19 year old man. The blame, the blame! hahaha

So we both went downstairs and Lee explained to Mum what had happened. She seemed ok with it and I thought, cool. It’s ok. As soon as he had gone (too suddenly for my liking) she started laying in to me! She was saying that Lee is 19 and I am only 17…what were we thinking, spending the night upstairs? I tried to explain again but she didn’t believe me. It’s always me who gets the shit, like she thinks the worst of me all the time!

Anyway, I have to go downstairs now as Dad’s back and he wants to talk to me. Great. Another row. I don’t want them to stop me seeing Lee so I have to try and be calm about it. Lee has been texting me all day cos Mum spoke to his Mum. He keeps begging me to keep cool about it. His parents trust him though, that’s the difference! He wanted to go out to the woods with Chester this afternoon but Mum made me fucking stay in and help her with Christmas food. So if I go and talk calmly and maturely with Dad, I will hopefully be let out of prison this evening. Won’t be sleeping with Lee again though, sadly. SADLY that’s all we DID do. Fucking SLEEP! Oh well, progress!

 

 

 

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The Beginning of the World

Well, we are all still alive!

I was talking to Lee on Thursday night about the ‘rumours’ surrounding the 21st. We were laughing about the extremes that some people were going to, building bunkers and stuff. I mean, let’s face it, if the world is going to end, who wants to be buried under ground and dig themselves out, only to find black rubble and post apocalyptic (a Greek word according to dad) NOTHINGNESS? Who wants to live in a toxic habitat with no animals or wildlife? No vegetation? I’d rather be dead anyway.

lee said something really cute. He said that if it happens, it happen. The only thing he would have liked was to be WITH ME. (Eeepp!)

I said the same. There was an awkward but warm silence and then he giggled. He then goes ‘I really miss you every day, Case’

After I had recovered from my jelly like state of leg numbness and finished swooning I said. ‘I feel the same.’ My voice was all croaky and wavery. This is not the Casey I once was!

I think it’s my Beginning. My Pagan New Year. I can feel a change in the air.

Check this out:

Some brilliant astronomic events happen at this time of year, that witnessed and recorded by our ancestors. The Sun has now been moving south in the sky perceivably from the Northern Hemisphere since Midsummer and on Dec 21st it will reach its lowest point in the sky. From here the sun will appear stay at the same position, resting in the centre of the Crux constellation (Southern Cross) where during this pause, the sun is said to have died. After 3 days on the morning of Dec 25th. The sun moves one degree North. The darkest days are now over and foretelling of longer days to come. So the Sun dies on the cross, is there for 3 days, then is reborn… doesn’t this sound remarkably familiar?

Why can’t people SEE that the Christian version is NOT THE TRUTH? COME ON PEOPLE OPEN YOUR EYES! Makes me so angreeeeeeeee!

This is a celestial map of the constellation Crux, the Southern Cross. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Things are definitely shifting…

It’s like Lee wants to say more to me and I (despite my pathetic croaky voice) am quite bold in saying things back. We had no problem expressing our feelings to each other as friends, but I think we are crossing some kind of invisible line. More potent and more significant. Problem with me is I find it easier to say things in my heart either on the phone or by email/text. I just hope Lee can start the ball rolling. It would be sooooooo frustrating after all this time (half term til now, 2 months) to go from being sent roses and having flirty conversations, to acting as just best buddies when face to face.

Ok, so I must go now and get myself ready. He’ll be here at about 2. Ohmygodohmygodohmygod!

I will post when I can but I think the next two weeks are going to be VERY eventful!

Happy New Pagan Year!

~*C*~

PS. NO DISRESPECT MEANT BY THE TITLE

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Countdown to Christmas~ 6 days to go. 4 days til Lee……

I’m still ill. It really knocked me for 6, I still feel dazed and wobbly and when I sit up I get dizzy. Colds are viruses and Dad said it’s normal. It doesn’t feel normal! I need to be 100% for Saturday when Lee comes home. Oh I can’t wait. Time is going so slooooooooooooooooow…

Guess what? He sent me this picture. I remember taking it when we were walking through the graveyard in late August. I snatched his phone out of his pocket and he chased me for a bit and tried to trip me up, but I ‘persuaded’ him to pose. He knows I can beat the living shit out of him if I want hahaha. He hated it, but look what a GORGEOUS pic came out!

This is the ONLY photo he has let me have so make the most of it!

I certainly am.

He really can’t see how good looking he is. I can.

Hell yeh.

I have enlarged it and printed it out. It’s now up next to my bed. Casey, you sad sap!

I’ve got to go back to college tomorrow to get my Christmas project stuff and give in some bits and pieces I have finished today. Bloody Kate hasn’t been in touch, charming! I have been calling and calling. No text either. People really piss me off. That’s why I would rather have animals. They don’t let you down.

My hair has faded a bit but I’m going to dye it again tomorrow ready for Saturday. Lee said my hair looked ‘amazing’ by the way.

Oh I can’t wait to see him. I wonder how long I’ve got with him before a) Annabelle turns up and starts flinging her dreadlocks around and b) before my demanding grandparents arrive.

My parents don’t know what to buy me for Christmas and Mum is getting pissed! What?!

I have tried to explain that, like Valentine’s Day and other mass media consumer ‘delights’ it’s all for the sake of multi-million pound profit making companies to slurp even more profit from gullible people. Most people are already in debt and this will probably finish them off for good. Others may have kids who see all the adverts on TV and start demanding things that poor parents can’t afford. Come on! Most of the presents given this Christmas will either be broken or forgotten about by New Year. Bullshit. Plus imagine the resources used up from the environment! Paper,metals, plastics……Jesus.

I didn’t used to be like this, by the way. Only a year ago I was hoarding a PS3, Laptop, and various other gadgets under my bed because I had been bought them and simply couldn’t be arsed to open the boxes. My parents would give me anything I asked for so things had gotten like, I don’t know, valueless?

It was only when I got to know Lee and Lisa that it all came home to me how privileged I was.  I don’t want to go into it as I have explained before, it’s weird and creepy, but just to say; THINGS DON’T MAKE YOU HAPPY!

So I have asked for some art materials.

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