Going insane again

October 31, 2012

He was on Facebook for ages. It took all my willpower to stop myself from messaging him. I am so furious right now. I have been skyping with Stella and she thinks I should just ignore the d**k. He’s not worth it if he’s going to blatantly chat away knowing full well I am waiting on Skype and that I would check Facebook……..

Image

“I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity.” Edgar Allan Poe

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still waiting

October 31, 2012

Ok, so I got onto Skype about an hour ago as Phil said he’d be back from football by then. HE suggested the time. He’s still not there, but when I went onto Facebook, who should I see ONLINE? Yes, Philip bloody Herring. I will wait here on Skype for another 15 minutes and that is ALL. He won’t get a chat message on Facebook from me either. Screw him. I notice he’s got a few new ‘friends’ on there as well since last time I looked on his profile. One girl I know is from school, Hannah. She flirts with him a lot but she’s a bit of a towny so I don’t think he’ll be that keen on her. Bloody hell. We hardly see each other as it is so when we arrange to Skype he should at least make the effort. And hide the fact he’s on Facebook, the moron.

😦

On a happier note, Lee is coming back from uni on Friday for the weekend! YAY I AM SO HAPPY!!!! He misses me, he misses me, HE MISSES ME! I wish we were an item but…if I say something it might ruin what we have and I don’t want that. Shit. After what we’ve been through together I can’t lose him now. It’s ok for Stella to go ‘Just kiss him’ but come on! JEEZ. When I think about Phil and then Lee, I’m like what are you doing, Casey. I know I know I KNOW. I guess Phil is just THERE and it’s filling a void. He’s using me as well, obviously. I know he’s chatting with other girls like Hannah par example…so I’m not arsed at this point. I just want to see Lee.

*SMILES*

Listening to: Breathe by Breaking Benjamin

I see nothing in your eyes, and the more I see the less I like.Is it over yet, in my head?I know nothing of your kind, and I won’t reveal your evil mind.Is it over yet? I can’t win.So sacrifice yourself, and let me have what’s left.
I know that I can find the fire in your eyes.
I’m going all the way, get away, please.
You take the breath right out of me.
You left a hole where my heart should be.
You got to fight just to make it through,
’cause I will be the death of you.This will be all over soon.
Pour salt into the open wound.Is it over yet? Let me in.So sacrifice yourself, and let me have what’s left.
I know that I can find the fire in your eyes.
I’m going all the way, get away, please.You take the breath right out of me.
You left a hole where my heart should be.
You got to fight just to make it through,
’cause I will be the death of you.I’m waiting, I’m praying, realize, start hating.You take the breath right out of me.
You left a hole where my heart should be.
You got to fight just to make it through,
’cause I will be the death of you.
Dedicated to PHIL HERRING

 

Welcome to my world………

October 31, 2012

My name is Casey.

I am 17 years old and my life is somewhat disfigured. I need a place to vent. This journal, I hope, will be the perfect place. I also hope I find some kindred spirits out there in the cyber world, people who share my passions and views. Please comment on my posts and add me to your reading list.

I lived with my parents in a town called Rechford, somewhere in the midlands (That’s England, by the way) until recently. We moved in the summer and that was one traumatic deal right there. I live in the country now with my parents. I will tell that story some time, believe me, it’s well weird. I don’t want to go into it just yet. It’s still raw.

I am an only child and prefer it that way; although sometimes I dream about having an older brother to keep me on the straight and narrow…(MY straight and narrow, not society’s straight and narrow) to teach me the ways of the world and how to survive without imploding….without being consumed by fear of the dark. Fear of the unknown. Fear of living in shadows.

I sometimes feel that I am stepping into the afterlife, like everyone else around me is living and I am not. I am floating alongside them, eavesdropping on snippets of conversation, scoffing at their moronic pastimes and interests. I hate being different but I love it too, I wouldn’t change it for the world…whose world? Mine? Theirs? I don’t belong in either.

My parents don’t really get me, but since the move things have started to look up as far as our relationship. We don’t fight as much now at least. My Dad, Theo is a Doctor. I have to put that in cos his name is hilarious. THEODOROS!! He’s Greek, born in a place called Thessaloniki. He came to England to study and met my mum so he stayed. He’s got a weird accent that I love to impersonate, but apart from that you’d never guess he wasn’t English. This makes me half Greek, but to be honest it has never figured in my life much. Except my surname, Papadaki, which gets some sniggers sometimes.  He worked in Rechford in a practice that he opened with his brother, my Uncle Leo. Now he’s got his own surgery in the ‘village’ and he’s the only Doctor for quite a distance around. My Mum doesn’t work as such, but she spends a lot of time at the surgery so she must be helping him out with admin or something. I spend most of my time in my room listening to music, sketching or chatting to friends online or on the phone.

College is ok, but I hated most subjects at school so I have more bad days than good. I can’t stand sitting there I get restless and bored easily. I am not a rebel, I don’t talk back at the teachers or anything, I just sit there daydreaming or doodling in my sketchbook. Art is my favourite and I like my Art teacher, Ms Stevens. I think she gets me, but she doesn’t single me out as her pet or anything. I also love my English and Theatre Studies classes. My grades are excellent in these subjects and that’s cool. I want to pursue some kind of creative career but I don’t want to be a wage slave either. No way.

Stella is my best bud. She’s into the the same music as me and we love to hate fashion. Her mum is a Tailor so she has taught her how to make clothes. I started learning as well but didn’t have the patience so I just adapt existing clothes or find my stuff online. Going down the High Street to shop is my idea of hell……! She lives in Rechford so we don’t see each other much. She has been to stay over half term but had to go visit relatives so it was short and sweet. I miss her but we skype all the time.

My other friend is Lee. I say friend because I don’t really know what’s going on between us at the mo. He’s from here, in this village and we met in the summer when all that crazy shit happened to me. He’s at Art college in London. I thought I would actually die the day he left, but I know he really likes me, he tells me all the time. Thing is…well, I have kind of taken a step back from him lately. He didn’t come back over half term, the first chance he’s had to see me since he left. He’s been busy with some project. I get it but still…he emails me every day, and we talk every night so I’m not worried. He keeps mentioning some girl on his course though..Annabelle. It cuts me up inside to think about him and her but I have to be realistic I guess. On the other hand I can’t help hating her.

Enough of that for now. It kills me.

Kurt Kobain is my musical hero amongst others. I have quite a few. My passion is rock, punk  and grunge music, (and the clothes, hair, looks that go with it) but I also love ‘atmospheric indie’ as Stella calls it. You know, like Editors, Placebo and such. There are so many tracks on my ipod it’s crazy. I don’t know where I would be without my music and my sketchbooks. Lee can play some epic tunes on his guitar. My voice is a bit crap but we have fun singing.

Musical faves, just to pluck a few out the air: Paramore, Nirvana, Bush, Staind, Muse, Led Zep, Alice in Chains, 9 Inch Nails, Doors, God Machine, The Dirty Youth, Takida, System of a Down, Incubus, Soundgarden, Pearl Jam, Smashing Pumpkins……….

I am seeing a guy called Phil at the moment, well, everyone calls him Pots. I don’t generally like many boys, they p*** me off with their macho attitude and moronic behaviour. Phil’s ok, although we don’t see each other at all out of school as he lives in Wheaton which is at least 10 miles away. Mum and Dad don’t know about him so I can’t ask them to give me lifts to see him. I can’t say he’s Stella’s brother or anything cos my Dad knows Stella’s Dad through work so he would know I was bulls******g. To be honest I can’t really be arsed with him most of the time. He plays football and a lot of video games which bore me. (***UPDATE I AM NO LONGER SEEING THAT DICK) I would rather be outside exploring the countryside like I did with Lee, listening to my music. I would love to find a Paranormal investigation group that explores haunted locations. Stella gets scared easily so she wouldn’t come. She’s a bit of a girl when it comes to dark stuff, but that’s ok. I like having my own weird interests. I miss Lee.

I saw a ghost once, although of course no one believes me. I was walking home from school and I turned into a darkened passageway. I don’t know why, something just pulled me into it. I was a bit scared, not of seeing something ghostly, more of weirdos hanging around there, but there was no one. As I was turning to walk ahead again I saw, from the corner of my eye, a dark shadow appear against the wall of the passageway. I looked and for a split second a figure emerged. It wasn’t in Victorian dress or anything that stereotypical, it looked like it was wearing jeans to be honest. I think it was a girl about my age as it had long hair. I was about to shout hey, when it just turned and walked into the passageway wall. I swear it was a girl. I have never forgotten it and I’ve even drawn it. I will post it on here at some point.

Meat is Murder.

I’d always wished for a dog but as we lived in a flat, it was unfair. Now I’ve got one! (One good thing about ‘the move’ ). His name is Chester and he’s a beige coloured Lab. I may not like humans much in general, but animals I love and respect. He’s sooooooo cute. He’s growing up way too fast though. He’s lost that puppy look but I LOVE HIM.

Anyway I am rambling! I have to call Stella and Lee then Skype with Pots, so I will leave this blog for tonight. It feels good to write without restriction and with the knowing that people will (hopefully) read what I say. Rant, rant, rant! Expect a lot of that!

Here’s Kurt:

xx~*C*~xx