August 16, 2015
Ok. So I fancied Richard like mad. He was (is!) a lot like Lee in many ways, that kind, sensitive type….not like Simon, yes, Simon who I live with. (But that’s another story and one that Lee doesn’t know about and never will as long as I live and breathe. The only other person who knows is Simon. Maybe I’ll write about that in another post, if i can bring myself to write the words. I’m a bad-ass girlfriend, rubbish and fickle. That’s probably why Simon likes me so much. TMI). We got upstairs and he still had hold of my hand. His sculptor’s fingers were woven around mine and felt cool, yet strong and confident. My knees were about to give way. I asked him whose room it was as we entered that same room and I noticed it smelt of stale beer and sweaty socks. he said it was his mate Tindel’s room, the smelly bastard, and he was at his Mum’s for the weekend. Ok then, I thought….that makes it ok?
He started pressing buttons on the IPOD dock and some indie warble droned around the room. Wadsey kicked his Docs off and sat on the bed, smiling again. Neither of us knew what to say for ages. I didn’t know whether I was reading the situation totally wrongly and he just intended to go to sleep, or whether he assumed we would have sex. After all this was Uni, this was a predominantly art student corridor of the Rez. it’s what they DO. I gingerly sat on the bed, the edge, not touching him, but I knew that if he made a move I would have no choice but to go through with it. His eyes were all sparkly despite the fact it was nearly daylight and we’d been up all night, and his lips were turned up at the corners teasingly. I wanted to kiss him, so very very badly.
Then suddenly, without warning he just came right out with it. ‘I like you a lot Casey but I know you’re living with your boyfriend. I don’t know where I stand.Help?’
I laughed. He didn’t
‘Did you leave your keys on purpose? Come on just be honest with me, I can take it.’
What did I say? I said this:
Silence for ages. He was leaning on one arm, his plaid shirt undone and a dark brown t-shirt with ‘Wishbone Ash’ written across it showing. Some obscure band t-shirt that I would dearly have loved to remove. I really was lost for words. He seemed like a nice guy and genuinely didn’t want to be a drunken one-night-stand to a girl who was living with her boyfriend. I decided I couldn’t look at him anymore because I really wanted to kiss him now that the realisation that I wasn’t allowed to had dawned on me. I lay down and soon his face appeared next to mine. This guy sure knew how to tempt me. Didn’t he know? Are guys so stupid that they automatically think they are ‘not attractive’ to us girls? The same as Lee, always brushing off compliments when I try and tell him how many girls gawp at him when they walk past him. I was lucky (am lucky) so why did I want it so badly with someone else? Why had I wanted (and still want) Simon?
Then, his face was coming closer and I could smell the feint and not unpleasant aroma of cider on his breath, He was still smiling as his lips touched mine. They were sooooooo soft and cool. At first, I felt numb, like I was just dreaming it, but gradually a warm feeling spread itself over my neck and face and I sunk in to his kiss, feeling his tongue touch mine. Then he pulled away.
I opened my eyes. The sun was up. The curtains were still open and the trees outside the window tickled the glass as if to say, take the bloody chance, stand up and get a grip, girl. His face was questioning as if he was waiting for a sign to carry on. Oh how I wanted to. His plaid shirt was pressing against my vest top that had the chaos symbol tie dyed into it. He was so close to me that I felt like I was melting. He hadn’t touched me at all, almost as if that would have been the last barrier. I moved away.
‘Sleep then?’ he said, making it into a question but knowing full well the answer. He wasn’t smiling as I closed my eyes. I must have fallen asleep as soon as, my lips still tingling and a feeling in my throat like a hedgehog had crawled in there and died.
I slept until about 8. Wadesy woke me up as he scrambled off the bed. I watched him for a few minutes, dreading how I’d feel when I lifted my head off the pillow, a raging hangover already pressing my temples. He didn’t look at me as he left the room and I closed my eyes hoping to forget about this and just go back to sleep. Maybe Fern would come in and find me and we’d go back to hers together and I’d sleep on the sofa, trying to forget how his lips had made me feel.
He came back in but I kept my eyes shut. I heard a glass being put down and my throat constricted as I gagged for water. I opened one eyes and saw a marvelous sight…a tall pint glass of iced water. ‘It’s for you’ he said as he stamped his foot into his Doc. Then he said he had to go and get Pikey up for training, but he had this for me. I looked down and his number was written on a piece of roll-up tobacco paper. His number? I stared at it, not understanding anything. I had lead him on, kissed him and rejected him, fallen asleep and he still liked me?
Then he said he’d told Fern I was there and she said to wake her up in a few hours. ‘Go back to sleep’ he said….
I heard myself say sorry and he approached the bed, leaned down and kissed me on the cheek. The bitch that I am tried to turn my cheek so he’d kiss my lips, but it didn’t work. he wasn’t fucking stupid. He was a nice guy. I’m the one who’s messed up.
He left and I did fall asleep. I was woken up by my phone ringing and Lee’s name lit up in bright neon, blinding letters. As I murmured Good mornings, I told my first lie to Lee. EVER. I told him I was at Fern’s on the sofa. He laughed and said he’d missed me but was glad I’d had a good time. Lee’s trust ran out though, a few months after that day. Just to say, the lie about where I slept that night wasn’t the end of the lies I told to my trusting boyfriend. At least two more lies involved Wadesy and the lies that concerned Simon? I’ve lost count. He found out about the two lies and Wadesy. That’s when all the problems started, the shit hit multiple fans. That’s why we decided to leave the Feral house and come back here to our roots; to where we first began. I guess we both hoped it would give us the chance to get away from everything and clear our heads together, get away from the others, from Fern and from Wadesy. I needed away from Simon as well, that is more important right now than to be far away from Richard, but of course Lee doesn’t know that. Wadesy is nice, he understands what we have is what it is, just a flirt and a few kisses when we get drunk. he doesn’t pressure me to break up with Lee. Not like Simon. Simon is intense. He won’t stop. The glaring at meal times, the laser eyes cutting Lee and I apart when we cuddle up on the sofa watching DVDs on a Saturday night. He won’t leave it until I tell Lee and I leave him.
Then there’s Chloe. I always knew she was in love with Lee, but of course he never believed me. She had one glass of wine too many one night (Chloe doesn’t drink much, just like Lee) and she started saying weird shit to us, aiming some really harsh words at me, like ‘You don’t love him, you’re just using him to stay here in London…I’ve seen the way you flirt with all the boys, tempting them and giving it all with fake promises……’ Lee told her to stop, but she carried on and Annabitch (who, incidently isn’t a bitch at all it turns out), took her upstairs and tried to put her to bed. Anna told me that she is deeply in love with Lee and finds it torturous to live with us two, next to us and listen to us ‘faire l’amour passionne’ (whatever that means…I can guess), and wanted to swap rooms with Anna downstairs. Well, Anna had words with lee and he was mortified that she felt that way and he never knew….he said ‘mortified’ but I think it was more shocked that I was right…and that someone as beautiful and clever and talented and graceful could feel that way about him. …(you get the message about how he feels about her, like she’s a Goddess…he always spoke of her like his sister and how he would protect her with his life if he had to, they were soul mates and had a deep spiritual connection….blah blah yarda yarp…).
Something shifted after that night. Their friendship changed. I caught him staring at her one evening while we were watching films, his arms were limp around me as if he couldn’t be arsed, as if he wanted to be somewhere else. She had her face buried in a cushion most of the time, being petrified of anything remotely scary (I think we were watching ‘The Shining’), so she didn’t notice, or if she did, made a great pretence of ignoring his gaze. All this happened just when Lee found out about my lie, the one where I said I was with Fern when in fact I was with Wadesy. He found out because again, I had left my door keys on the marble-top table in the hallway….he tried to call me but I didn’t pick up (of course, I was with Wadsey) and instead of just staying in and waiting for me to come back and letting me in, he decided he wanted to go to Camden Market with Si. Of course, bloody Camden isn’t far from Fern’s and so Lee being Lee decided to drop the keys round at hers. She answered the door and didn’t know where I was because I hadn’t even been there. I had met Wadesy at Regent’s Park, our favourite place to meet to innocently bask in the sun reading books, talking about life and occasionally stealing illicit snogs on his tartan blanket.
Fern called me and I raced to hers, but Lee, she said, had gone. He looked totally knocked out like she had punched him in his gut several times. She wasn’t impressed when I admitted what I’d done and suddenly she was sticking up for Lee, even though she had known her housemate and I were more than friends. Lee is like that. Women just immediately love him.
I love him. I really do. But truth be told, I’m bored. I want some adventure. I want passion. I want LIFE.
Why can’t I have Lee, snog Richard Wadesy and sleep with Simon? Who set the rules, (impossible to keep) about serial monogamy? WHO? As Simon says, no-one did. So why are we following it? Or more to the point, why does Lee think it’s so important to follow it? Richard and Simon don’t seem to care (except Simon does when he sees Lee and I together) so why does Lee? Because he loves me, says Fern. And she also said that if I really loved Lee I wouldn’t want anyone else, regardless of how gorgeous (Wadesy) or darkly attractive (Simon) they are.
But then am I not a complete hypocrite now as i clutch my phone (white knuckles and sweaty palms) in one hand and tap in the other…(it’s taking me ages to write with one hand here) . I texted Lee about hour ago and he hasn’t yet replied. The last text I got said he had arrived and Chloe was cooking. They’d better not be alone in the house! Saying that, I hope Simon’s not there. What if he goes and tells Lee about us? In his jealousy that he insists he doesn’t feel? And why am I so bothered? Because I am fucking jealous that’s why. I am a messed up. sad, lost, loved-up twisted shitbitch who can’t decide what she wants. Lee in the feral house with Chloe. Karma’s a bitch.
February 3, 2014
Boom! What a fucking awesome weekend I had. It started when Lee arrived with Joel last Thursday evening and we all stayed up stupid late watching horror films and snuggled up. Lee fell asleep on me a few times, but I didn’t mind at all, I was over the frickin moon just to have him beside me, all squished.
We left at 1:30am and Lee wanted to walk me home, even though it’s only a few minutes walk. The house was a whole lot of quiet so Lee just crept upstairs with me and we spent another few hours in passionate sexual bliss!
Luckily he woke up at 6am cos we hadn’t set the bloody alarm…close, real close.
I went to college but decided to leave at lunchtime cos I was knaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaackered and couldn’t keep my eyes open. I fell asleep on the bus and nearly missed my stop. Duh. I didn’t text Lee, just crawled into bed and fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. I woke up at 4:30 when Mum came back. I heard Chester barking.
Anyway, we set off about 6 and Mum and Dad seemed weird. They were eyeing Lee closely when he was taking my bag to the car and Dad embarrassingly had to say ‘Look after Casey.’ No, he’s gonna drown me after subjecting my body and soul to endless hours of necrofilia! Man….lame. Tediously lame.
We bombed it down the motorway with some great tunes blasting out, although Joel likes his indie stuff more than rock and metal and we kept digging him for that. He kept trying to play us some 90s bands like…er…I can’t remember…Inspiral Carpets? eh something like that, and Primal Scream. Those two are the only ones I remember. I’m not that into it, but I like one particular track:
It kinda encompasses the mood of the whole weekend!
So it was a 4 hour car drive but it went really fast, we were all enjoying ripping the shit out of Joel and his bizarre indie tastes! We pulled up outside the student house in Tottenham. It was in a square with a fucked up church in the middle, all overgrown. The house loomed over us like a gothic cloud. Four stories of pure shambles. I loved it. The front door was up a flight of stone steps that had worn away over the years. There were still those mosaic tiles in the entrance, some of them had fallen off and lay crumbled on the floor, some others had been kicked into the front ‘garden’. It was amazing inside, one bedroom at the front, Chloe’s (but she was at work) and then through the long corridor the kitchen and the rickety old wooden stairs. Lee’s room is on the third floor with Joel’s and Annabitch has got the attic. There are two bathroom, one on Lee’s level and one toilet downstairs.
I went straight to Lee’s room to put my bags in there. Claimed! Annabitch didn’t seem to be around. Good. I hoped she didn’t appear at all. Of course she did, but I digress.
It was cold and dark so we all congregated in the kitchen with the massive old wooden table that had a broken leg and thy had put a couple of magazines under the foot to balance it. The table was the only object in that kitchen that didn’t have things strewn all over it. Pans, plates, food, bread, wine bottles….all over the worktops. Oh I wished I lived there! The table was clean and only had a candle in the middle of it in a big cut glass pink plate that contained loads of bits of paper. Apparently that is where they put messages to each other. On the top was a torn in half sticky note that said ‘Buy bread you twats, love Joel’ on it. Ha.
We had toast, so someone had bought the bread, and then we went into the living room which was on the other side of the kitchen area. A massive sofa, two tatty but oh so comfy looking armchairs, a huge patchwork rug that had holes in, a massive wall length bookcase FULL of books and art stuff and a flat screen TV. Apparently Joel’s.
We all sat there and got slowly pissed. I was tired but so happy and kind of surreal. I was away from my Nazis and in this massive bohemian palace, the sound of traffic outside, rushing by, police sirens wailing every so often, people outside laughing and shouting. It was ALIVE.
We went up to bed soooo late. Me and Lee just snuggled under the duvet and fell into long blissful sleep. I woke up a few times with a headache but couldn’t remember where the hell the bathroom was so just went back to sleep, Lee clinging to me. The single bad was cosy, man. I miss it.
We woke up at about 10am and I felt like shit. Lee went and got us some water, coffee and toast.. It was ace to sit up in bed and watch silly stuff on TV while we ate and laughed. Joel kept tapping on our door but Lee warned him away and he pushed a note under the door to call us ass clowns. Nice. Hahaha.
I had a shower. While I was in there I heard Lee talking to someone outside the door, saying that I was in there. A girl’s voice I recognised, Annabitch was there. I didn’t want to see that fucking bitch, so listened outside the door til she had gone and slipped back into the haven of Lee’s room.
Later on we went for a walk around Tottenham and then caught the tube into Camden Market, I had been there before with Dad, but it was even cooler than I remembered. Lee bought me a cool American Indian type tshirt with a symbol of freedom on it. I bought some rings and bracelets. I gave one to Lee, it looked good on him, Bronze with celtic patterns on.
We went to get a snack in a pub called The Hawley Arms. Awesome vegetarian and vegan options. Joel started taking the piss out of me and Lee but however hard he tried, he couldn’t catch me out. I have spent too many years arguing my points with ignorant twats! He LOST badly!
Me and Lisa had all day tube tickets and the guys had Oyster Cards so we decided to go to a few places around the centre, but not Oxford Street or any heaving nightmare places. We went to Atlantis European in Whitehall, which is like a MASSIVE artist’s emporium of delights! Lee needed some supplies and I bought a few odds and ends too. We then found an exquisite old market and I bought a gorgeous indian blouse for 50p!
I took some cracking photos in Whitechapel. I googled all the places where Jack the Ripper’s victims were found. Joel thought I was grim. I thought he was a douche. Hahaha. We went in the art gallery but we didn’t rate the stuff hanging in there.
Our hangovers starting getting the better of us so we went back to Tottenham. The walk from the tube station seemed soooooooooo long. Lee said that London is the most tiring city EVER to live in. When you are tired, like most of the time, everything seems huge, crowded and too far away. I get that but I still love it.
We slept for a bit when we got back. I saw Annabitch in the kitchen and she tried a smile. I didn’t bother cos I’m not a hypocrite. Chloe joined us in the living room. She seemed ok, quiet but sweet. Maybe a bit too sickly sweet for me. Annabelle sat in for a while and glared at me when she thought no one was looking her way. Lee went out when she did and they were talking in the kitchen. Awkward. Lisa tried to keep me talking until Lee came back. Distracting me?
Then we planned our moves for the evening. The guys discussed which pubs would be best and nearest. Our tube tickets lasted up til midnight but obviously we would be out later. We decided to get a cab back, but not go too far. Taxi are heaped up expensive apparently. Annabelle declared she wanted to come out with us which apart from pissing me off no end, made it difficult as we would need 2 taxis. Chloe managed to persuade her to stay in and watch some DVDs with her. Thanks Chloe! Chloe seems to sense how I feel about her.
So we got ready. I wore black. Lee loved my look. I loved Lee’s look. I could have stayed in and ravished him but the plan was to go out….hahaha.
So to shorten this part of the story. I got pissed as a fart AGAIN and posted some stupid shit on facebook via my phone while in the toilet of The Crobar in Tottenham, Lisa threw up in there and missed the loo bowl. Foul. But funny.
We also went to Garlic and Shots which is a goth/metal/rock pub like The Crowbar. Amazing. Of course Joel wanted to go to some Indie pubs but there weren’t any around there apart from The Good Ship but it was heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaving.
I don’t remember much of the rest! Just Lee telling me to stop smoking so many fags and Lee getting a bit pissed off with a guy who was trying to look too closely at my pentagram, LOL! I don’t know who I was smoking with but I must have been outside as it’s clearly forbidden inside pubs. I had loads of tobacco left on sunday so someone must have given me their fags. Joel? Maybe.
Sunday. Well. It was hell to wake up to but we found a cure and didn’t surface from the bed room until about 2pm when we had food and a shower, needing to get sorted so that Joel could take us back later on. And the rest you’all can imagine. The deathly blanket of silence as we left the tangle and hustle of London and back into the slow twirl of the countryside and the quiet. Boring. Listless. Lonely…………
What a weekend. I have felt dead since I got back here. I see Lee’s room on Skype and it feels nice that I have spent time in there, like it’s now OUR room, but frankly I AM NOT THERE so it SUCKS. 😦
January 23, 2014
Tomorrow! I get to squidge my Lee. I get to go in the car with him all the way to London huddled up on the back seat. Then we get to sleep in the same bed TWICE without having to set dumbass irritating alarms so he has to get up and avoid my parents. No. We will wake up when WE want to. May not even get out of bed on Saturday. Note to self REMEMBER TO SWITCH LAPTOP OFF BEFORE LEAVING TOMORROW NIGHT or else someone (mum!) will ‘accidently’ come into my room and see skype on which is directed at Lee’s bed. I will be in it. I will be crucified and hung. Lee will be banned from my house. I will not have the desire to exist anymore.
I have packed my best stuff to wear and most of my toiletries are ready. Just got some stuff to do for Theatre Studies like a few sketches for a tutorial on Monday. This is my idea for a scene of a play that we are going to put on as a group. I am doing the scenes and the others; Trudy, Mark and Kishan are writing it.
Also the conclusion to my Lit essay on Maya Angelou’s Passing Time (which I love)
Your skin Like dawn
Mine like musk
One paints the beginning
of a certain end.
The other, the end of a
Anyways, why am I on about college? Jesus. I am SO looking forward to London. I have got about £70 for two days but I know Lee won’t want to drink that much and he won’t want me smoking in his room, so really I guess we’ll go to the Union bar and maybe the cinema. oh and takeout, which we never get at home cos no takeout place will deliver so far into the depths of frickin NOWHERE lol.
Oh man. I can’t believe it! I won’t want to come back will I?
I might have to slap Annabitch as well. It WAS her who switched off Skype. Lee is well fucked off with that cow. Apparently she apologised profusely to him and he asked her why but she couldn’t give a reason. I know though. Bitch tried to stop us from talking. Well, oh look you FUCKING mentalist, we are STILL talking and in love and going to spend the weekend together! You can keep your goth face OUT of Lee’s room and your face will remain away from my face unless you want it slapping more than once!!!!
January 21, 2014
So I got back home from college at about 4pm and as I always do, I grabbed a coffee from the kitchen and ran upstairs to get to talk with Lee on Skype before he goes to work at 5. But Skype was OFF.
As regular readers (if you exist) of my blog would know, we NEVER switch Skype off and we like to leave it on all the times, including when we sleep. Yes, it’s fucking lame in some people’s eyes, but to us it isn’t because we have to WAIT 6 weeks at a time to see each other in the flesh. Skype off? Fuck off, man. Something had to be very wrong.
I called Lee and he was just on the bus coming up to the stop near the house. I told him Skype was down and he laughed. I was like, NO the fucking thing is DOWN, and he said he would go investigate asap and call me if it was busted or something. 10 minutes later PING and it’s back and there he is, sitting at his desk. I was like, WTF? He said SOMEONE must have gone into his room and switched it off, but he couldn’t find anyone home. I know Chloe spends a lot of time in Lee’s room, but she doesn’t go in there without prior permission. Annabelle is not allowed in there. For this I don’t know, but I’m sure full of glee about it. They must have had words about something lately because for trusting Lee to forbid anyone in his room is unheard of. I think he has started locking it as well because I hear a lachy noise when I am sitting waiting for him and he comes in. None of them locked their doors before except Annabitch. She’s a fucked up mess.
I know it was her who switched Skype off. But why? What’s the damage, bitch? He’s just going to switch it back on you dumbskull.
Anyway we talked as usual and I asked him if it could have been Annabelle. He said possibly but he trusts her not to enter, they made a deal. Why? I ask. Because he gets tired of her invading his space and she follows him around the house. I KNEW IT! She SO wants him! I was a whole gigantic bunch of RIGHT when I suspected that. Fuck. She went in his room today and switched it off!
I then mentioned the fact that I think she’s in love with him and he was like, no case, she isn’t. WHAT? Men are so fucking naive! What the holy of holy fucks?!!!!
How can I prove that she went in his room? How? Help? Anyone?
I have just found this. I am going to download it and record EVERYTHING. I will find out who is sabotaging our private time!
December 15, 2013
So College is over til January. Yay. I have thrown my school bag into a corner of my room and intend to forget it til Lee goes to his Dad’s Boxing day. I can’t, just frickin CANNOT deal with it right now.
So I am playing the waiting game once again. Lee has been asked to please stay on in London and do some shifts in another pub and look after the student house, but he to come here beginning of the week so he gets time with me and his Mum before Christmas. I think Pops and Nan are coming here again. I spoke to my Greek Yiayia and Papous ON THE PHONE yesterday evening! What’s so amazing about that I hear you all yell. Well they don’t speak English and I have learned enough Greek to have a basic convo with them. Well chuffed.
Dimitri is on at me about meeting up before he goes back to Thessaloniki for Christmas. I would LOVE to meet up with him, but I must not forget that 1. I am still grounded like a fucking assclown and 2. He wants to climb inside my pantaloons, you get my drift. 3. I don’t know if I could resist that even though I love Lee. Weird shit going on between myself and these males in my life. Can’t figure it out.
Lisa has been calling around a lot. I told her about why I’m grounded and she swears not to tell her bro. I hate lying to him, but you know, I get so bored and lonely here all on my own. A bottle of red and a few rollies once in a while should be granted to me! Lisa smokes anyways….I have suggested she switch from Camels to Amber Leaf but she won’t. I can’t smoke Camels, fuck no. My chest will cave in.
Yeh so I am just waiting to find out when he’s coming. There was talk of Joel coming too, which would be ok I guess as I like the dude. Makes me laugh. I just need to spend time with Lee on our own, but I guess Joel and Lisa will be surgically joined at the hip (or groin area hahaha) anyways so that should be possible.
one worrying piece of news. Lisa told me that when she was in London, she got talking to Annabelle about her boyfriend and she told her that he is 10 years older than her and it’s like her parents have rented him to take care of her as he buys her all her stuff; clothes, makeup etc. She doesn’t love him and is trying to figure out how to break up with him as he has hit her before and threatened to crash the student house. She has slept in Lee’s room before as well. I didn’t see that! She is also scared that if she tells him to fuck off that her parents will disown her and she will have to survive on her own with no money. Bad luck. As long as she doesn’t try and latch onto lee as a boyfriend, I don’t care what she does. I mean, he is such a provider. Look what he does for his sister and Mum, working all hours to send money home as well as support himself on the miserly allowance his tool of a dad sends him.
Excited about the new novel I am working on with my Aunt. We share this Blog, so we can both work on each post before we publish. Hopefully we’ll get to work on more this holiday period and Lee will be able to help as well cos he has ace ideas for twisty tales of darkness!
Here’s the link to the blog:
I also want to get all my clothes out of my ‘wardrobe’ (I don’t think there are hardly any clothes in my wardrobe, most are in piles on the floor right now hahaha) and see what I can do to revamp them. Lately I have just become a bit lazy with clothes, like for college I tend to wear black or grey skinnies with a dark blouse or maybe something like a band tshirt, a long cardigan,a scarf and Docs. Boring.
This is the kind of thing I am currently wearing:
For going out (when I’m not grounded…)
I would like to be wearing:
I just want to look a bit more edgy but without having to spend HOURS getting ready…
I’m hungry. I’m going to Skype Lee for a bit before he goes to work (hopefully for the last shift) and then go cook summats. Tonight, chill out, watch American Horror Story and maybe The Conjuring again. Mum and Dad are still bluing out at me about the smoking. This could go on for AGES. I get to walk Chester, so I get some fresh air, but when Lee gets back I want to go into town with him and Lisa and go to some gigs, maybe go shopping with Lee, which we haven’t done yet EVER, and buy him something cool for Chrimbo.
Lisa brings me tobacco..haha up yours M&D. We are not best buds by far but I guess you could say we are getting along ok. I don’t trust easily and I find most people fuggin annoying, so we shall see. We get to talk about Lee when she comes round though, so that’s a good thing. Oh man I just hope this holiday is going to be a good one. I need some good times………..
November 25, 2013
I’ll get straight to it, cyber friends.
1. I’m grounded. I pointed out to Dad that IT MAKES NO DIFFERENCE I feel like a prisoner here anyway.
2. Lisa went to LONDON. Yes, LONDON, the same city as Lee..and not only that but the same ROOM as Lee! More on that tragedy later. If I haven’t thrown myself out of my attic window before I get to the end of this rantblog.
3. Dad won’t let me have driving lessons. Because according to his warped sense of good parenting, being grounded includes not going out in a car. Fuck off!
4. My loving parents are threatening to make me move into one of the spare rooms. Hideous much? Bare this in mind: my attic room spans most of the length of the house. BIG. The guest room in question can fit a single bed in it and one chest of drawers. NO.
5. College sucks. I cannot even begin to explain how much it is sucking right now.
On Wednesdays evening Chester got out of the garden and started a bid for freedom down the lane towards the surgery. He has done this before but that was in the day and I found him after about a half hour. But at night there are no lights around which is bloody chuffing cool normally as it makes the whole area spooktastic, but for losing dogs…not cool.
So I leg it out the front door and trip over some random stupid ass box or rock or something and go flying arse over tit onto the driveway where Dad is pulling in. I am literally sprawled everywhere like I am doing angels in the gravel, and my bag has nose dived, opened up (that’s probably due to the fact I never zip the bastard thing up) and things have splayed out in his path. One of those items HAPPENED to be my tobacco. My trusty stash of Amber leaf. Yes, the rolling delight that I hardly ever smoke. Needless to say Dad picks it up and demands I find Chester and then get my self in the house for a ‘talk’. By talk, he always means ‘I will shout at you and not let you open your mouth in response, not even to defend yourself against my gross injustices, because I am older than you therefore assume that I am right at all times.’
I was almost crying with rampant rage fever while looking for Chester and I reckon he must have sensed I was hovering on the edge of despair, stumbling amongst the twigs and shrubbery, calling his name like a Banshee. He turned up quickly and I took him through the front door and upstairs to my room, stiffly perching on the end of my bed thinking what to do to calm down. I usually would have rolled a ciggie and smoked it through the bathroom window, but obviously Dad had got the fucking packet and I couldn’t remember if I had another stash in my room somewhere.
So I just went downstairs and faced the music. Yes, I got shouted at and no, I didn’t get to explain that I smoke probably one cig a day, maybe a few more if I get really stressed at college. I never smoke in the evenings because I am Skyping with Lee while doing my coursework, right, and he HATES the fact that I smoke and thinks I gave up. I have one before I sleep out the open bathroom window. Big wow, let’s hear it for the chainer!
So he grounded me. To be honest I retorted back with the fact that I already feel like I am grounded anyways, but he didn’t give a monkey’s fart as usual. It’s ok, let’s leave my (nearly) 18 year old daughter to rot up in the attic. That’s child (nearly adult) abuse…surely?
Of course the shit hit the fan on Friday night when Lisa texted me, telling me that her (cool as fuck) Mum had allowed her to go to LONDON for the weekend to see Joel. I called her immediately to get the facts of this smash to the gut, and yes, it was all arranged. She could go on the condition that she sleep in Lee’s room and lee would be keeping his eye on her. I think I hung up on her because I was just like, WHATTHEACTUALFUCKISGOINGON!!!???
and I called Lee. He was weird about it, and so he should have been, I mean what a fucker for him as well! What could he say? He asked me if I would come, well he BEGGED me to seeing as Joel was coming all the way to Lincolnshire to pick Lisa up, I had to come too….he didn’t care if we were all sleeping in his room together, he wanted to see me. BUT I WAS GROUNDED! And I couldn’t tell him why else he would have gone apeshit. But I hate lying to lee..I just had to say I was grounded and I said that I had fucked something up at the surgery and I think he believed me. He was sooooooooo gutted and even offered to talk to my Dad to try and redeem the situation just this once. But I couldn’t let him could I? Dad would have told him the real fucking reason!
So I did something hateful. I told Lee I would give him Dad’s mobile number by text so he could talk to him. This was at about 5pm and Joel was due to arrive at 5:30pm. I knew that Lee was going to work soon and probs wouldn’t be able to call me about the missing text message so I just DIDNT text him it. Lisa kept calling and texted me about a million times saying to pack my bag and just COME, but I was too distraught to even talk to her. I vowed I would never talk to her again at that point.
5:30pm. I was just sitting on my bed staring into space. I had about 10 missed calls from Lee and texts asking me to send the number quick cos Joel would be there soon….and then ones like, ‘what the fuck are you doing?’ and ‘Case, where are you, answer your phone,’ etc etc
The final text from Lisa. ‘Joel’s here and we’re about to go. Please Casey, come! My bro is desperate to see you!’
I sat there for a long, long, agonising time. I hadn’t dare look at Skype, in fact I had draped a scarf over the screen and muted it so I couldn’t hear Lee’s pleading voice.
I think it was around 10pm when Lee called me, on his break. This time I answered. he wasn’t pissed off, just really really upset with me. Lee doesn’t DO angry. Sometimes I wish he would cos Lee upset is worse. I told him that Dad wasn’t speaking to me and I thought he might shout at him if he called. Lee was all like, Case, I maybe could’ve talked him down a bit, me and him get along well…
Yes, but Dad thinks we’re just mates. Why would he think Lee was being so eager to get me to London? He would have smelled shit shining and I would then have got the third degree about my relationship with Lee.
I hate my life.
So I had to put up with watching Lisa in lee’s room waving and being nice, like Lisa is. Just be a goth! Stop being so sweet! She annoys the fuck out of me. I haven’t been able to Skype with Lee properly or fall asleep with him, cos Lisa has been there. Granted she did SLEEP in Lee’s room, but I can tell you, she spent most of the nights with Joel. I saw the door creaking open at 4am on Friday night and 5am last night. I was so jealous of her there, I wanted to hurl at the screen. Lee has been weird with me as well…as bit distant. I guess he is thinking why we have to hide everything from my parents after all this time when Lisa n Joel have been together a few months and she’s there. Why does he put up with me?
I have just Skyped with Lee but he said he was tired and has fallen asleep already. And I’ve got to go to twatting college tomorrow. Oh the joys. Why can’t being grounded include not having to go to college? Fucking double standards! No wonder I don’t want kids when I grow up. It’s all bullshit…parents just play around with their heads and cut all their puppet strings whenever they feel like it and think that knotting them back together afterwards will make them ok again.
I will never be ok.
November 10, 2013
Right then, I am determined to be positive all the way through this post. If I lie then I lie. Fuck it. (But I may have to put a bunch of foot notes at the end and admit some true shit!)
Ok so let’s start with my favourite subject, lee. Yeh so he finally backed down and created a Facebook page. I mean hell, is it THAT difficult?? Apparently so. I know I don’t spend much time on it either but it’s really nice to post stuff to each other, right? Well, yeh. It was cool to begin with but it’s kinda started to wear off. The novelty I mean. We Skype every day so what’s Facebook? That was his original argument and I contested it and now I hate to say I agree with him! Oh well. Anyone want to help me by making Facebook more interesting? Befriend me?
At least I badgered him into posting up a nice recent photo of himself. Wtf is his problem with his face? It’s THE most gorgeous face ON the Earth’s surface! What do you guys reck?
I caught him by surprise the day he left after half term. We were standing near the trees and the sun was peeking through the bare branches, illuminating him a bit. I had to lighten it a bit but it’s a good representation of Mr Chapman my lover!
I am pissed off this weekend (being positive has already become tedious!) because all his housemates are away and he’s there all on his own. We could set that place alight all alone this weekend! I’m glad Annabitch has gone. Apparently she is going through some counselling and has been cutting her arms. I feel bad for her (I suppose although not a LOT) cos her parents don’t give a shit, she’s only got this man-friend to fall back on (well, apart from Lee and she does that ALL the time) who beats up on her a lot. lee refuses to have him in their house so she goes off every so often to see him. Lee’s not happy about it and I know he loses sleep over her, but what can he do? He’s got his own family crap going on,even though his dad has started sending some money to his mum and Lisa, at last. Tool.
He’s going to be even busier soon cos he’s starting an Art Therapy course alongside his Fine Art degree. He wants to work with kids eventually which is cool I guess. I wouldn’t do that though, when I get my degree in Art I want to use it for something else like design. More money! lee isn’t like me in that. He reckons that money isn’t everything and we should use our talents to help other people. Ok,yeh. But I want to help myself have a good life as well!
Yep, I’m a selfish bitch! (That’s why me and Lee are great together. He’s the humanitarian and I’m the money grabber. We will be able to do great things hahaha! )
Dimitris is like me in that way. I’ve mentioned before how he and I are similar and we get on because of that, but sometimes hate each other as well! We went a week without Skyping or calling each other over half term because of one little comment I made and he took it all wrong. He is fiery and a bit judgemental like me (apparently, according to lee, very judgemental), and once he gets pissed off he can’t get through that feeling easily and so will retreat. I do the same and it drives Lee crazy as he just wants to talk everything out. I can’t and he gets pissed. I need time to heal Casey and then I come back and I can take the critique better. What’s up with that? Thing is lee takes offence, being hyper sensitive, and takes it all personally, whereas when me and Dimitri fight, we come back a few days later and laugh about it. Most of the time.
Yeh, so what about him? Well. He’s currently single AGAIN. He keeps saying that every time he gets with a new girl, he’s fine for a few weeks then he starts comparing her to me and subsequently dumps her. What can I say? I keep telling him how I feel, and it’s the truth. If I wasn’t with lee I would’ve been on the first train to Manchester months ago. We flirt a little, but I try not to let it go too far. he’s very gorgeous and attractive. We get on really well because we are so similar, but I am in love with Lee. Sometimes I DO think I might be in love with both of them, but I don’t think that’s possible.
College is still SHIT. I refuse to discuss it on this Blog because it already permeates too much of my time as it is. I always have a rant about it to Lee anyway so no more about the boredom and doom that IS my crushingly dull 6th Form. Yuuk.
Musically I listen to my favourites on a regular basis, namely when I fall asleep; Nirvana, Paramore, Panic! At the disco, Pearl jam/Eddie vedder.
Other much-listened to-lately are Flyleaf, Slint, Yellowcard and Sick puppies. Here’s a particularly fucking awesome video and track I love:
and on finding this I have also found some full albums such as these: I have just discovered Hurt. Fucking screaming.
Anyways I digress!
Talking of Youtube, I have been watching some awesome Vlogs and stuff by a girl called Sarah Hawkinson, who has her own Youtube Channel. I like her game cos she’s a vegetarian, she loves Rock/Metal music, horror films and also has a pretty cool style. At the moment she’s got a particularly fetching shade of purple hair. Check her out here:
Lee is off to work now. 6 weeks til I see him at Christmas, although he MIGHT get back here sooner if he doesn’t need to work. Same old as far as the finances go cos he needs money now for this Art Therapy Module…..
Oh yeh the gossip about Lisa and Joel! We had a great time and it ends up that those two are now an item but Lee’s Mum DOESNT know about it. Lisa thinks that she’ll freak, but Lee is all about the honesty again (oh man give it a break!) and keeps getting at Lisa to tell her. Saying that though, she has been on the phone to me most evenings going on about it in that she’s never gonna see him. Welcome to my World!!!! I do actually quite like her, but I feel a bit dubious about her newly found good style of being mildly goth and starting to listen to decent tunes. I know..I KNOW I shouldn’t judge and be shallow about appearances, but you can’t go from dancing around your living room to Lady Gaga and Britney ‘Speared’ to suddenly listening to Metallica! Morally WRONG! I will see…we talk a lot lately so I am giving her a chance. Lee would be stoked up if we got to be genuine friends.
I’m off to get food. Maybe back later but have got MOUNDS of work to get through later……………..oh and I MUST post those ghost pics I took with my Aunt!
October 13, 2013
Ok so Dad decided to NOT pay for the internet connection AGAIN. Excuse me but whatever we fight and scream at each other about, surely he has to realise that HE dragged me here to live in this wilderness of doom, with like 3 buses going out to town per day ONLY and NO buddies to hang out with because he won’t let me learn to drive…because I won’t work for him at the surgery….because Mum has laid down all these new rules and regs about what I have to do to earn my independence and I haven’t got time to do everything………..
Can you see how all this shit is woven into multi layers of crap?
So. If I AGREE to work at the surgery, Dad will pay for driving lessons and buy me a second hand car when I’ve passed my test. All well and GOOD but….
He wants me to work there 8:30am to 12:30 on Saturdays. Then I will go home and have lunch before Mum drives me to town to go to ASDAs because I have to buy my own food to cook nowadays. Fine, but as I explained in previous rant, Mum likes to spend about 3 hours roaming around ASDAs looking for ‘bargains’ whereas I plan ahead and just go chuck, chuck,chuck and to the cashier. I am always stood there in the entrance waiting for her like a complete dork. She always manages to meet people and have gossip time which adds at least another 40 minutes to the proceedings and my dork time.
So we’re talking like …getting back at 3:30-4pm. Then it’s time for me to do my chores like cleaning my room (pfff) and doing laundry. She seems to have a tally system and knows when I last washed my bedding and underwear cos she’s always on my case about it. Then I cook my dinner,eat and go straight upstairs quick to skype with Lee face before he goes to work. GREEEEAAAAAT saturday!
So that leaves me Sunday to do all my college work and indulge my hobbies. NOT ENOUGH TIME.
To be honest I don’t get up on a Saturday morning much before 12 so theoretically I COULD go and work but…I AM EXHAUSTED!!! I need that lye in…
What can I do? Circle of doom!
I try to do all my college crap during the week but Lee doesn’t work at the bar week nights so we end up skyping most of the evening. When else could I talk to him?????? It’s bad enough already that I never see him,let alone having to ration my skyping.
My dad doesn’t know but I figured out how to get wi-fi from my phone so I connected it to my laptop. Ha! I bet he doesn’t know he can do that…he uses internet for his medical research and keeps making sure I know that he is suffering from my self absorbed attitude as well as me. But now I’m not.
Yeh so nothing really changes in the land of Casey. I have rationalised my terrible jealous streak aimed at Annabitch and all the other female enemies living in Lee’s halls with him. Well, I think I have. She hasn’t done anything to majorly piss me off lately, unless Lee is deliberately not talking about her cos he knows I will kick off.
Oh yeh. Lee’s friend Chloe wants to skype with me. Lee told her about my haunted bathroom and she is also into paranormal stuff and claims to be able to do rituals that allow spirits to ‘cross over’ to the spirit realm and find peace. lee doesn’t really believe her but I will be talking to her when she gets a lap top. She’s also a Fine Art student and her Mum is French (useless fact!) so she might be an interesting person to get to know. You know what I’m like though….I don’t usually take to girls as mates, only if they are not too ‘girlie’ and have a brain.
We shall see….
Sorry for the boring post, but NOTHING exciting ever happens! It’s half term soon though so MAYBE I’ll be graced with a certain sexy man’s presence……..
Favourite song at the moment:
And when is AMERICAN HORROR STORY COVEN coming to UK?
June 22, 2013
Because lee’s not here yet. And I’m boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooored.
He’s working. Why? Well to cut a long story short, his Dad has decided that he’s not going to be sending his Mum and sister any money! WTF would be about right. I mean, it’s NOT right that he should do this, surely? Lee has been on the phone with him every night trying to sort it, but apparently his M&D had a huge row and that was the last thing he said to her. Lee is, of course, fuming with him for many reasons. The obvious being that he HAS to provide for his family even though they are filing for divorce. He will have to pay them money legally so why stop now and make it worse!? Poor lee has had to scrounge extra hours in the bar to send money back to his Mum while this childish situation gets resolved. That leaves me and him up in the air as to when he can come back home for the summer, as well as the problem that he can’t stay in his house over summer without paying rent, which is massive. His Dad’s not going to carry on paying for his rent (if he’s in such a fucking foul strop) for Lee to work to send money home to his Mum. lee said that he’s willing to lie to his Dad, saying that he’s got to stay and do Uni work, for the sake of being able to stay and earn some cash! Jesus fucking Christ.
I just listen to all this every night, trying not to get upset, trying to be supportive, thinking WHEN ARE YOU COMING HOME!!!??? I don’t want him to have extra ball ache because I’m whining like a bitch at him. Fuck it!
Dimitri has gone to Thessaloniki for the summer and is, as we speak, at his parent’s summer house in Halkidiki. Mmmm. Jealous much? Hell yeh! I miss him. He hasn’t got an internet connection that can support skype so we just use msn and texting. Ouch. He told me that he’s dating three girls there already, all from Thessaloniki. Again, I try not to think about why I am scratched by the nails of the green eyed monster when he talks about it. I don’t know why.
Ok, this is the view he had of my (Grandparent’s) balcony when I was there earlier this year and we would sit outside til late in the night talking. looks like Yiayia has been clearing out a bit cos there are some cupboards and stuff there. I MISS MY ROOM SO MUCH!!!
I have been writing to my Greekies and I got a letter back from Yiayia the other day. I will post it on here, it’s amazing to see the Greek writing. I showed it to Dim on skype and he translated it for me. Awww I love my Greekies! I want to go back so much and I keep having dreams about it. I wake up and feel so sad. Lee is always there with me and Dimitri. I wish it could be like that…
So I haven’t been doing much, just moping around. I know I should be happy that college is over til September, but surprisingly, I am am feeling deflated after the exams. I guess it’s cos I feel like I am DOING something constructive in my mission to get away from here and go to London with Lee when I am at college and working towards exams. Afterwards it’s back to being 17 year old Casey who still lives with her parents in a house in the middle of nowhere. Going nowhere with only Chester dog for company.
I did get to go shopping with Mum (well, I say with, but she went to Next and I went to some charity shops) and these are two things I picked up. Cool eh?
There are so many things I want to do, but can’t. Like:
1. Get a tattoo on my wrist. (M&D forbidden).
2. Get a nose ring. (M&D forbidden).
3. Go to Greece and hang out with D.
4. Go to London and hang out with Lee.
5. Go to my Aunt’s and help her write the next novel about me and Lee. (I might get to do that soon actually).
Basically, this is what I have done every day since I broke up from college:
- Got up around midday.
- Taken Chester for a walk.
- Showered and put makeup etc on.
- Sometimes eaten breaky and mostly not!
- Sent Lee and Dim a text message each and replied to them.
- Tried to tidy up my room and sort out dirty clothes, taken some downstairs, shoved them in the washing machine.
- Attempted to iron some but given up. How dull is that fucking job???
- Gone for a walk in the woods again with Chester.
- Read a book or magazine. (Currently reading The Ritual by …..some guy and can’t get into it!)
- Surfed around on Youtube for any new stuff on paranormal investigations.
- Listened to music. Current favourite includes Sneaker Pimps.
- Had a cheese and pickle sandwich.
- Written some diary stuff.
- Talked to lee on the phone or Skype.
- Stared out the window and missed Lee a lot.
- Gone downstairs to eat with M&D. Avoided a lot of topics -of -the- day for example, what are you going to do for the next 6 weeks, Casey?
- Helped Mum (not Dad you notice!) clean up the kitchen.
- Back out to take Chester for a walk. Stayed out a long time cos I love this time of day. Twilight.
- Watched TV in my room or some youtube vids.
- Listened to music on my i pod. Dozed off.
- Woken up at around 12 midnight to talk to Lee on Skype. He texts me if he sees I am asleep hahaha! How cool is that!
- Watched a DVD or something else to try and take my mind off missing Lee (approximately 3am each night after he falls asleep).
- Fallen asleep around 4:30am……………
Cool. Not. Very not.
Things have to change………..
- Halkidiki Promoted As Major Tourist Attraction (greece.greekreporter.com)
- Getting old. (teaandtravelling.wordpress.com)
- I Have A Lot To Do, So Instead I’m Drinking Wine And Blogging (bohemiacademia.wordpress.com)
- I fucking hate my roommate (happiesttomato.wordpress.com)
- In Your Room (Chapter 1) (hannahk245.wordpress.com)
- Long Holidays (cheapwaystolive.wordpress.com)