This was the point of the conversation last night when I realised I’m a fucking lame person and don’t even deserve to have Lee as a boyfriend. I think we’re over.

I am sitting in the living room on my own. Anna has been in, Chloe and Joel but no Simon and no Lee. I don’t even know how this whole shabang-fuck started, only that one minute I thought my life was a mess but sortable and the next, literally within that space of time when I ate a snack and they came in, it was irretrievably shredded beyond recognition.

Simon must have told Lee we slept together.

Mr Truth has spoken. I mean we can all sit there and fucking go ”Honesty is the best policy…..we learn from our mistakes….” blarg blarg, but when it comes to it, do we REALLY tell the truth? NO! Except Simon does, obviously. What MOTIVE has he got for doing this? He told me after we’d indulged in our mutual lust that he felt better, he’d ‘got it out of his system’ and no one ever needed to find out. I was very ok with that, especially after being ragged on about Richard. Lee took that so well, but I doubted that shagging his best mate in OUR bed would have the same zen effect! I was so right.

So yesterday they (Lee & Si) walked into the kitchen where I was perched precariously on a bar stool, me in my pyjama bottoms with stupid red hearts all over them and rips in them..feeling battered enough, but Lee’s face looked like it had been hit with a lead shovel. his eyes were wide like he was in shock, (well he was I guess), and Simon skulked off upstairs, the fucking yellow coward. He pushed the bags of food onto the counter top and stood there with his back to me for ages, not speaking or moving. When Lee doesn’t speak, you know something catastrophic has happened. I asked what was up and he didn’t move, but I could tell he kept rubbing his hands on his eyes. I think he was crying.

He turned eventually and grabbed my hand, leading me too fast up the two flights. I needed my inhaler when I got to the bedroom and he just swiped his hand towards me as if to say hurry up and just inhale. I did, trying to drag it out. I wanted to get my thoughts together. Rows with Lee are never just structureless yell-fests, they are like university professors having a debate over a midnight brandy.

Then he asked it. “Have you slept with anyone else apart from Richard?”

I retaliated immediately, which was stupid cos it made it obvious I was on the defence.

“I didn’t sleep with Richard.”

I sounded like I was trying to gain points, I could feel my mouth smiling at him as if I had won. I knew it wasn’t a competition but I am childish and puerile. I haven’t learned a single fucking thing from being with him for two years. idiot.

He told me not to be so clever. That he was hurt beyond pain. A kiss and a grope was one thing, but sleeping together?

I decided there and then that I would just deny everything. My usual tack. My usual selfish approach to relationship issue solving. Bravo.

“No I haven’t, Lee. Why would I?”

He then LAUGHED.

“Ok, Casey.” he said, shaking his head in disbelief. I honestly thought this was all a joke and he’d go “GOT YA!” and attack my ribs with his guitar strumming fingers like he always did when he’d managed to verbally prank me. But he sat down on the bed and put his head in his hands. I was appalled when I noticed he was rocking slightly too. I wanted to run but my legs wouldn’t move. My feet felt like molten lead in the carpet.

“Look, I know you have. Please just let’s be honest about this or we can’t get past it, ever. For ONCE in our relationship, admit you fucked up! It’s not hard, I mean I already know. Just say it!”

He was really pissed.

I shook my head and adopted the best astonished and ‘how could you even think I’d do that to you’ face. As if I had the right to be offended.

“How do you know? Who told you?”

Childish Casey. What was the point of that? As if it mattered who told him. He was asking a question, he was begging for honesty and I couldn’t do it. It was because I didn’t want us to split up. I love him.

But it’s not going to keep him loving me either is it? Either way I lose. Might as well have just said it……..

“I didn’t Lee. I love you.

“Then why are you lying, AGAIN?”

“I’m not, I’m telling you Richard was a mistake! There was only ever him, now it’s over, I told you that! Please Lee!”

I was shouting louder than ten decibels of Lee. And I was the one in the wrong. I was being so transparent, I knew I was pushing our love over the edge of the suicide cliff, but I couldn’t stop.

Lee was staring at his converses. Silence pervaded. The room closed in on me.

“if you are lying to me, we are so over. Please think long and hard about this Casey. I love you so much. We have been through so much. Don’t let us go, please don’t.”

Silence again.

I could have just admitted it. He was more or less telling me that he might be able to forgive. A voice in my head was going, ‘Tell him about Simon, be strong, be brave, be like Simon. BE TRUE TO YOURSELF.’ We had things to discuss, I wasn’t happy…this could be the pivotal point that projected us into a higher realm of contentment and closeness….and I wanted that, deep down I knew I loved Lee…the others were flings, lust versus love. Or did I really want to stay with Lee, domestic bliss, babies, marriage? Maybe Simon is the one? Excitement, new experiences, exploring boundaries of our dark sides, living in art…it made my heart sing. Had he told Lee because he wanted that with me? Had he begged Lee to let me go? Was he so sure that we were perfect together?

This thought was still swirling around my head and piercing my heart when Lee said it.

“So, I’ll ask you again…………”

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Untitled 2

August 16, 2015

Ok. So I fancied Richard like mad. He was (is!) a lot like Lee in many ways, that kind, sensitive type….not like Simon, yes, Simon who I live with. (But that’s another story and one that Lee doesn’t know about and never will as long as I live and breathe. The only other person who knows is Simon. Maybe I’ll write about that in another post, if i can bring myself to write the words. I’m a bad-ass girlfriend, rubbish and fickle. That’s probably why Simon likes me so much. TMI). We got upstairs and he still had hold of my hand. His sculptor’s fingers were woven around mine and felt cool, yet strong and confident. My knees were about to give way. I asked him whose room it was as we entered that same room and I noticed it smelt of stale beer and sweaty socks. he said it was his mate Tindel’s room, the smelly bastard, and he was at his Mum’s for the weekend. Ok then, I thought….that makes it ok?

He started pressing buttons on the IPOD dock and some indie warble droned around the room. Wadsey kicked his Docs off and sat on the bed, smiling again. Neither of us knew what to say for ages. I didn’t know whether I was reading the situation totally wrongly and he just intended to go to sleep, or whether he assumed we would have sex. After all this was Uni, this was a predominantly art student corridor of the Rez. it’s what they DO. I gingerly sat on the bed, the edge, not touching him, but I knew that if he made a move I would have no choice but to go through with it. His eyes were all sparkly despite the fact it was nearly daylight and we’d been up all night, and his lips were turned up at the corners teasingly. I wanted to kiss him, so very very badly.

Then suddenly, without warning he just came right out with it. ‘I like you a lot Casey but I know you’re living with your boyfriend. I don’t know where I stand.Help?’

I laughed. He didn’t

‘Did you leave your keys on purpose? Come on just be honest with me, I can take it.’

What did I say? I said this:

‘No.’

Silence for ages. He was leaning on one arm, his plaid shirt undone and a dark brown t-shirt with ‘Wishbone Ash’ written across it showing. Some obscure band t-shirt that I would dearly have loved to remove. I really was lost for words. He seemed like a nice guy and genuinely didn’t want to be a drunken one-night-stand to a girl who was living with her boyfriend. I decided I couldn’t look at him anymore because I really wanted to kiss him now that the realisation that I wasn’t allowed to had dawned on me. I lay down and soon his face appeared next to mine. This guy sure knew how to tempt me. Didn’t he know? Are guys so stupid that they automatically think they are ‘not attractive’ to us girls? The same as Lee, always brushing off compliments when I try and tell him how many girls gawp at him when they walk past him. I was lucky (am lucky) so why did I want it so badly with someone else? Why had I wanted (and still want) Simon?

Then, his face was coming closer and I could smell the feint and not unpleasant aroma of cider on his breath, He was still smiling as his lips touched mine. They were sooooooo soft and cool. At first, I felt numb, like I was just dreaming it, but gradually a warm feeling spread itself over my neck and face and I sunk in to his kiss, feeling his tongue touch mine. Then he pulled away.

I opened my eyes. The sun was up. The curtains were still open and the trees outside the window tickled the glass as if to say, take the bloody chance, stand up and get a grip, girl. His face was questioning as if he was waiting for a sign to carry on. Oh how I wanted to. His plaid shirt was pressing against my vest top that had the chaos symbol tie dyed into it. He was so close to me that I felt like I was melting. He hadn’t touched me at all, almost as if that would have been the last barrier. I moved away.

‘Sleep then?’ he said, making it into a question but knowing full well the answer. He wasn’t smiling as I closed my eyes. I must have fallen asleep as soon as, my lips still tingling and a feeling in my throat like a hedgehog had crawled in there and died.

I slept until about 8. Wadesy woke me up as he scrambled off the bed. I watched him for a few minutes, dreading how I’d feel when I lifted my head off the pillow, a raging hangover already pressing my temples. He didn’t look at me as he left the room and I closed my eyes hoping to forget about this and just go back to sleep. Maybe Fern would come in and find me and we’d go back to hers together and I’d sleep on the sofa, trying to forget how his lips had made me feel.

He came back in but I kept my eyes shut. I heard a glass being put down and my throat constricted as I gagged for water. I opened one eyes and saw a marvelous sight…a tall pint glass of iced water. ‘It’s for you’ he said as he stamped his foot into his Doc. Then he said he had to go and get Pikey up for training, but he had this for me. I looked down and his number was written on a piece of roll-up tobacco paper. His number? I stared at it, not understanding anything. I had lead him on, kissed him and rejected him, fallen asleep and he still liked me?

Then he said he’d told Fern I was there and she said to wake her up in a few hours. ‘Go back to sleep’ he said….

I heard myself say sorry and he approached the bed, leaned down and kissed me on the cheek. The bitch that I am tried to turn my cheek so he’d kiss my lips, but it didn’t work. he wasn’t fucking stupid. He was a nice guy. I’m the one who’s messed up.

He left and I did fall asleep. I was woken up by my phone ringing and Lee’s name lit up in bright neon, blinding letters. As I murmured Good mornings, I told my first lie to Lee. EVER. I told him I was at Fern’s on the sofa. He laughed and said he’d missed me but was glad I’d had a good time. Lee’s trust ran out though, a few months after that day. Just to say, the lie about where I slept that night wasn’t the end of the lies I told to my trusting boyfriend. At least two more lies involved Wadesy and the lies that concerned Simon? I’ve lost count. He found out about the two lies and Wadesy. That’s when all the problems started, the shit hit multiple fans. That’s why we decided to leave the Feral house and come back here to our roots; to where we first began. I guess we both hoped it would give us the chance to get away from everything and clear our heads together, get away from the others, from Fern and from Wadesy. I needed away from Simon as well, that is more important right now than to be far away from Richard, but of course Lee doesn’t know that. Wadesy is nice, he understands what we have is what it is, just a flirt and a few kisses when we get drunk. he doesn’t pressure me to break up with Lee. Not like Simon. Simon is intense. He won’t stop. The glaring at meal times, the laser eyes cutting Lee and I apart when we cuddle up on the sofa watching DVDs on a Saturday night. He won’t leave it until I tell Lee and I leave him.

Then there’s Chloe. I always knew she was in love with Lee, but of course he never believed me. She had one glass of wine too many one night (Chloe doesn’t drink much, just like Lee) and she started saying weird shit to us, aiming some really harsh words at me, like ‘You don’t love him, you’re just using him to stay here in London…I’ve seen the way you flirt with all the boys, tempting them and giving it all with fake promises……’ Lee told her to stop, but she carried on and Annabitch (who, incidently isn’t a bitch at all it turns out), took her upstairs and tried to put her to bed. Anna told me that she is deeply in love with Lee and finds it torturous to live with us two, next to us and listen to us ‘faire l’amour passionne’ (whatever that means…I can guess), and wanted to swap rooms with Anna downstairs. Well, Anna had words with lee and he was mortified that she felt that way and he never knew….he said ‘mortified’ but I think it was more shocked that I was right…and that someone as beautiful and clever and talented and graceful could feel that way about him. …(you get the message about how he feels about her, like she’s a Goddess…he always spoke of her like his sister and how he would protect her with his life if he had to, they were soul mates and had a deep spiritual connection….blah blah yarda yarp…).

Something shifted after that night. Their friendship changed. I caught him staring at her one evening while we were watching films, his arms were limp around me as if he couldn’t be arsed, as if he wanted to be somewhere else. She had her face buried in a cushion most of the time, being petrified of anything remotely scary (I think we were watching ‘The Shining’), so she didn’t notice, or if she did, made a great pretence of ignoring his gaze. All this happened just when Lee found out about my lie, the one where I said I was with Fern when in fact I was with Wadesy. He found out because again, I had left my door keys on the marble-top table in the hallway….he tried to call me but I didn’t pick up (of course, I was with Wadsey) and instead of just staying in and waiting for me to come back and letting me in, he decided he wanted to go to Camden Market with Si. Of course, bloody Camden isn’t far from Fern’s and so Lee being Lee decided to drop the keys round at hers. She answered the door and didn’t know where I was because I hadn’t even been there. I had met Wadesy at Regent’s Park, our favourite place to meet to innocently bask in the sun reading books, talking about life and occasionally stealing illicit snogs on his tartan blanket.

Oh dear.

Fern called me and I raced to hers, but Lee, she said, had gone. He looked totally knocked out like she had punched him in his gut several times. She wasn’t impressed when I admitted what I’d done and suddenly she was sticking up for Lee, even though she had known her housemate and I were more than friends. Lee is like that. Women just immediately love him.

I love him. I really do. But truth be told, I’m bored. I want some adventure. I want passion. I want LIFE.

Why can’t I have Lee, snog Richard Wadesy and sleep with Simon? Who set the rules, (impossible to keep) about serial monogamy? WHO? As Simon says, no-one did. So why are we following it? Or more to the point, why does Lee think it’s so important to follow it? Richard and Simon don’t seem to care (except Simon does when he sees Lee and I together) so why does Lee? Because he loves me, says Fern. And she also said that if I really loved Lee I wouldn’t want anyone else, regardless of how gorgeous (Wadesy) or darkly attractive (Simon) they are.

But then am I not a complete hypocrite now as i clutch my phone (white knuckles and sweaty palms) in one hand and tap in the other…(it’s taking me ages to write with one hand here) . I texted Lee about hour ago and he hasn’t yet replied. The last text I got said he had arrived and Chloe was cooking. They’d better not be alone in the house! Saying that, I hope Simon’s not there. What if he goes and tells Lee about us? In his jealousy that he insists he doesn’t feel? And why am I so bothered? Because I am fucking jealous that’s why. I am a messed up. sad, lost, loved-up twisted shitbitch who can’t decide what she wants. Lee in the feral house with Chloe. Karma’s a bitch.


					

Untitled

August 16, 2015

I feel like I’m right back where I was a year ago, staring blankly at my laptop screen, thinking how to start writing, how to possibly convey all the turmoil going on inside me. But I’m not that girl anymore, am I? My attic room seems so childish and naive as I sit here, my old artwork strewn across the desk, remnants of my A Levels back in the Spring of last year when my whole life was stretching out its excited hand to pull me off over the horizon.

Yeh, so here I am, back ‘home’. Three weeks to go and I don’t even know if Lee’s gonna come back after the row we had yesterday. Shit….it makes me feel sick every time I think about it. It was the worst one yet, one where Lee doesn’t shout, which is when I know he’s raging. To be honest I didn’t think we’d come. I thought lee and I would end up staying in London all Summer. I have got my place at Uni to do a degree in 3D Design and Theatre. I should be happy, right? I would be if Lee hadn’t gone back to London last night to see fucking Chloe. To ‘get my head sorted’ he said.

To briefly (as possible) summarise. My Foundation year has been AMAZING, I mean I’ve made some great friends (still are friends) and I feel like my whole creative world has opened up for me. I know who I am artistically and where i want to go with it. That’s all perfect. It’s what happened in the Feral House that fucked everything up. Chloe wasn’t kidding when she gave it that name. I think it’s cursed.

Everything was hazy and crazy for the first few months. We would spend a lot of time in our room and no-one would disturb us, aside from Chloe’s weird humming in the next room with her meditation and Annabitch’s obvious loitering habit outside our door. (I knew when she was there. There was a black shadow under the door. We are on the top floor where the floors are all uneven and so there are gaping spaces under our door, Chloe’s door and the toilet door. I could see her. Pervo. Lee didn’t believe me so I just thought fuck it.) Then, I started to get the feeling that the others were giving Lee shit, especially Simon, because he started getting touchy when I suggested we go upstairs straight after our communal meal in the evening or after we’d all slouched on the sofas and vegged, nursing hangovers on a Saturday and Sunday. Excuses; I’ve got to talk to Simon about something, Chloe needs help with her Essay, Anna wants me to go to Sainsburys with her…just lameness. So I started going round to my mate Fern’s house after Uni to shake it all up a bit, you know, make Lee wonder where I was, make him feel sorry. I genuinely like Fern, by the way, she’s straight up, no shit and rebellious. We’d sit drinking coffee out of chipped mugs in her huge kitchen overlooking a wild garden that had started pushing its way in through the crack in the frame of the decrepit sliding doors. Then we’d start on the wine. She always had some in the house…there were empties lining up the floors and windowsills with every kind of candle you can imagine. She’s only got one other house mate and his name is Richard Wade. Wadey from kent.

Now this Wadey person at first didn’t really take much notice of us as we sat at the table smoking and heaving with drunken hysteria at 4 o’clock most afternoons. She said he kept himself to himself and seemed to prefer hanging out with his mates in the Hall of ‘Rez’. She was fine with it, more of the house to herself, but she admitted that he was funny and wished he’d be around more. As it happened, so did I.

He was (is) tall and lanky with long mousy- coloured hair that he sometimes wears up in a man-bun which shows the shaved underneath vulnerability of his neck. I could always hear him coming in cos he wore (wears!) dark red Docs with holes gaping at the sides so his feet make a farting noise as he walks. His grin was (is) infectious. He’s got kind green eyes and a nice nose. And he’s studying Sculpture. From the moment he told me that I couldn’t stop staring at his hands, his long boney fingers, imagining scenes from Ghost. Sad cow.

I flirted a lot with him those first few days. I couldn’t help it. lee had started spending more and more time with his mates, so I thought myself perfectly justified in hanging out with mine. The only thing I didn’t admit readily was that I didn’t just want to be friends with Wadey. So anyway, one evening he came in early, we hadn’t even started wining it up yet. He asked us if we wanted to go out, his band was playing in a club in Brixton. So we did. I called Lee and asked him if he’d like to come, (just to be nice, I knew he wouldn’t) and said I’d be home later. Anyways, we had a right laugh with Wades and his band was cool. We got to stand right at the front and he kept looking at me through the haze of light and smiling. Fern was taking the piss out of me. I was glad she hadn’t met Lee cos she probs would have been lecturing me about how I shouldn’t be cheating on such a lovely guy. Yeh, I know………

So at the end, we waited until he’d packed up and he suggested going to the Halls and hanging out with the others. Fern had never been so we said ok. I texted Lee like a good girlfriend and told him not to bother waiting up. ‘Have fun babes and take care.’ he answered. Why can’t he ever be fucking jealous?

So off we went in a cab. The Rez was pounding when we got there and there were people everywhere. Good music was playing and I was well in the mood to dance and party, (we rarely do it in our house, boring twats the lot of them!) I can’t really remember much about the people I was introduced to, mainly cos I was stuck to Wades for dear life just wanting to talk to him. There were several painful segments whereby I remember sitting in corners and on the edge of beds, knocking back some sort of alcoholic beverage (having given up waiting for someone to come up to me and offer me top ups, I’d just gone on the search for any old half drunk plastic pint glass of whatever) while searching the area in vain for Wadesy. I lost Fern on many occasions and saw her a few times through my drunken wobbly brain, hanging around the neck of some short ass guy with Afro hair and a tie dye t-shirt down to his knees. I kept thinking every guy that smiled at me or bumped into me was Wadesy and then when the edge of the bed tipped dangerously near to the floor and I almost followed, I realised it really was Wadesy. He had crashed back on the bed laughing. I stared at his knees sticking up through his grey jeans for what seemed like ages, not knowing what to say. I forced my face to smile so at least if and when I did speak, I’d sound like I was having fun.

He asked me if I was ok. I said yes. He asked if I was having fun. I said yes. Then he asked me if I was tired. I was. I really really was. It was then I realised that the deafening hum of laughter and music had dyed down and the room was darker. I asked him what time it was and he didn’t answer for ages so I thought he was asleep. Where the hell was Fern? I asked him if he’s seen her, not expecting him to answer but he did. He said, yawning and stretching out his long body, that he had. She was asleep next door with Hayden. Yes, he said, the one with the crazy Afro.

Then he said it was 4am and I’d have to stay with him. With him? In this room, whose bed it belonged to was a mystery and could at any time walk in on us? No! It was one thing flirting, but sharing this single bed? Was this really what I wanted to do? Drunk? Wadesy was (is!) gorgeous but….I stood up and said I’d better go and could he tell me the number for a cab? He was a bit shocked but sat up and grabbed his phone from his back pocket and started dialling. I remembered mine and had a look, expecting there to be loads of missed calls but no. Not even a text. Thanks Lee.

He told the cabby where I wanted to go and sat there smiling at me. I was very tempted right there to just say fuck it, I’ll stay, but there was a nagging voice in the back of my mind…eating away at me. We walked down stairs, past people slumped in their doorways, some people cuddled up on communal sofas. soft music still echoing around. The big glass doors at the front exposed pre-dawn light that looked blue in the tint of the security doors. He stood there and I wanted to hug him.He was (is!) like a familiar old teddy bear from childhood, one that you used for comfort. That’s what he was, a comfort care bear. Then he hugged me. Cigarettes, floral laundry powder, musky deodorant and something else…something spicy enveloped me. He asked me if I’d be ok, I said yes. I asked him to come back with me to Fern’s but he said he’d promised to go with his mate Pikey in the morning to the Basketball Court for training so it was silly to go all the way back. He let me go and I dug around for my phone ready to give him my number (why? Because I just…I don’t know) and it was then I realised I hadn’t come in contact with my door keys. They usually pissed me off by jamming my hand as I delved into my bag for something. Then I felt my legs go as I realised the keys weren’t in my bag. I knew where they were as well. On the marble-top table in the hallway at home. Oh shit.

I told Wadesy and he hit his forehead with his palm. He grabbed my hand and lead me back towards the room. I didn’t have a choice, right?

Hahaha!

I’m just in the process of getting my scrubby self gussed up. He arrived at about 4pm with Joel again and is, as I speak, spending some time with Mum and Lisa. He’s coming here after dinner and we are gonna stop in tonight, ALONE as M&D are off out. I don’t know if they realise that Lee isn’t coming with Lisa and Joel. Oh well, not my fault they didn’t ask. I think Joel is stopping in Lincolnshire for the whole half term so I hope we don’t have to hang out with them all the time! Sorry, but this is mine and Lee’s ‘space’, the woods and the graveyard. I doubt that Joel will be particularly bothered about exploring the local ‘tourist’ attractions, ha! He’s a definite city boy and is used to going clubbing and out all the time drinking. Welcome to ‘No man’s (or woman’s) land’, where the drinks are bought when you go into town and stored away behind wardrobes until the next time you can go into town and ASDAs and sneak some more in. I’ve got really good at it, doing it without Mum seeing.

I think I’ve got a bottle of Vodka and two bottles of red wine left. Thing is, if we MUST hang out with Joel and Lisa, at least Joel can drive us around and we might be able to persuade him to take us into town for a night out. I say yay to that!

Before I forget, I want to post the photos taken in London. If I don’t do it now, I’ll forget and then have others to post from this week, so here goes:

c and l - Copy

Selfie~ it shows Lee’s cute as pie freckles

case and lee

Me and Lee~ can’t wait for more of this!

casey and lisa

Me and Lisa more than half cut in The Crowbar

casey woods

We went for a walk on Sunday to try and clear our heads. I felt like ass

lee and lisa

Lee and Lisa. They are always doing stuff like this and goofing.

possible lee and casey change hair shade

Joel thinks he can play guitar but he really couldn’t. Lisa’s effort was better with one hand.

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Lisa and Joel as pissed as.

Oh my God! I had better go and get my dinner sorted. I think it’s gonna be spaghetti. I got some quorn mince and marinated it last night in my tomato and garlic spesh, so it should be scrum. I might feed Lee some later on and then he can eat ME for dessert. Oh my days. I fucking love his ass. I’ve dyed my hair again, it’s really purple! I hope he likes it. He was into the pastel bluey colour but that washed out really fast. Notice in the photos I just had normal hair colour. boooooooooooooooooooring!

I’m outta here!

At last! At fucking last! lee is coming home…..

I have been here, waiting for his return, in desperate, shitty, depressing, hollow limbo for a week. WTF. I don’t know how I am still alive.

He had to find someone to replace him at the bar he works at (if he wanted to go back to that job in the new year, which he does cos it’s his only income) and find someone to stay at the house over the holidays as the landlord lives in Japan. A bit far to come and check up on it then? It’s in quite a rough area in North London so there needs to be someone there at all times ideally. He has stayed before and the landlord let him off the rent for that holiday period. Quite a good deal but not NOW. I think he said Cloe was staying and her brother is coming over from Portugal for Christmas to stay there with her. Weird. Lee wasn’t happy about her staying there even one night on her own, but she insisted. I think it would be fucking cool in a big Victorian 4 storey place, all alone, dodgy area, barricaded in! But then I am a little bit fucked up. Or a lot.

Yeh so he is setting off around 6pm and will be here about 10pm…………………………………YEEEEEEEEES!

I have managed to save up 30 quid out of my allowance to buy him something cool for Chrimbo even though he told me not to. I’ll try and persuade M&D to ‘allow’ me to take him into town tomorrow and buy him something. The fricking ‘grounding’ has not yet ceased even though it’s CHRISTMAS, the season of good will and all that crap. Fucking great parents. I really hope they ease off because I will have to tell Lee why I can’t go out with him and Joel and Lisa…because I am grounded for having smokes in my bag!

He will not be impressed.

So I have been just literally moping around. My Aunt has tried to motivate me to add stuff to The Silent Angels website, but I have been lacking motivation. Totally. I wanted to sort out my clothes but I haven’t, well today I managed to put them all away, which is a fucking miracle. That’s only cos I found out last night when Lee was coming and it cheered me up. Pulled me out of my scrooge-like existence.

Have caught up on sleep (I hope Lee has as well cos I intend to keep him up all night, every night, haha) and half cleaned out my room from a term’s worth of crap accumulated. Papers, art work, paint, books, old makeup pallets…carrier bags of rubbish, dirty clothes, broken jewellery needing to be mended…oh the list is endless. At least it’s clean. I intend to aromatherapise it up (is that a word???) and arrange all my candles near the bed area in anticipation of a few hot nights of ‘pash’ coming up VERY soon! Oh I am going to rip the clothes off that scrummy body of his. Phwooooooooooooooooooor!

What else have I done? Been to work at the surgery. Boring as shit Saturday mornings. No one calls much or comes in. I sit and fiddle with my phone. Stare at the clock, text Lee, text Dim, text Stella. Make out my grocery list for ASDAs. Look forward to my weekly shop with Mum. Not. At. All. Grumpy cow.

Pops and Nan are coming on Tuesday. Good job they are deaf, not be awful, but they are staying in one of the guest rooms that’s near my stairs that come up to the attic so they potentially might hear mine and Lee’s night time ‘pursuits’. Nah. They go to sleep at about 9pm bless them.

I have read Book number 3 of The Beautiful Dead series and it was chuffin awesome. The fourth is the last one where Darina gets to solve Phoenix’s murder. I am intrigued by how it’s going to end cos after she has solved Phoenix’s, it’s the last one and she’ll never see him again. Ooo it’s a bit of a heartstring tugger and I don’t usually get soppy about books.

http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/7877758-phoenix

I love the covers:

BD1   
BD2


      BD3

phoenix

 

 

 

So it’s tea time for me. I bought some quorn pies yesterday that look amazing. So I will eat the mash tates that mum is making and have some green beans and carrots as well. Gotta go down and help Mum and try and wangle my way around her so she lets me go out tomorrow…..

This is what I crave…..

this is all I want

Going out, baby..GOING OUT!

October 25, 2013

Lee’s taking me out, oh Lee’s taking me out…oh Lee, Lee, Lee. HE IS TAKING ME OUT!

Yeh, so Joel has gone back to London and Lee is going to get taken back by his Mum on Sunday night. I think Lisa and Joel are an ITEM because I went round there today and they were all cozied up on the sofa, clearly more than friends. I asked Lee and he raised his eyebrow in that SEXY way he does when he’s not sure about something or he thinks something’s dodgy as fuck, and then smiled. He was like, Oh man Joel! JOEL and my SISTER? I think he’s cool  with it though. I wonder how cool Marie is? Lisa is the same age as me (nearly 18) and Joel’s lee’s age, 20, nearly 20.

I made lunch for him today and then we took Chester out for a long long walk in the woods where we met. We made out bigtime in our clearing and we almost went way too far. It was freezing cold and wet, but we nearly did. I really missed his soft but manly guitar playing artist’s hands and his warm soft lips…..grrrrr! Then we stumbled back home and found that M&D were OUT so we spent a scrummy couple of hours upstairs carrying on from where we left off in the woods….yummy yum yum yum. We managed to get ourselves showered and dressed, downstairs drinking coffee when the Nazis got home.

Lee told me that one of his old mates from college is playing in his band tonight and he wants us to go. It’s in a pub, not a massive gig, but it’ll be fantasmagoria! I think it’s called ‘Leatherblack’. heavy metal. I can’t wait.

So, we’re catching the bus into town in like….20 minutes so I’ve got to post this and get going. Getting a taxi back to HERE later on. I’ll try not to drink too much else I’ll just get home and crash with no yummy yumzi with Lee…I have to make the most of it while I can! Getting drunk v sex with lee? No comparison!

Oh he’s here. I think I look ok. My hair is a bit flat, but I love the colour at the moment. Pale blue pastel. I found a nice new eyeliner as well and it looks ace with my hair. Just wearing black skinnies and a black lacey blouse with cut out shoulders and my Docs. Ready to go! Just another squirt of my Black XS perfumio and my skull scarf and faux leather jacket and…..I’m off!

Laterz!

~C~

Night 3

May 30, 2013

Hahaha.

Yes so again I lay in wait, waiting for my prince to shout from below my chambers, wanting to be let up into my lair………..(except he’d better not shout or Chester will wake up and so will Dad. Oh my God!)

As you can imagine, last night was amazing. I can’t describe how complete he makes me feel; how loved and how desired. I feel blessed. I have talked to a few other girls about their relationships and they say that they have fun in bed but it’s usually a fast and furious thing, over too soon. Passionate but short lived. Not mine. Lee seems to LOVE exploring and taking his time. That’s fine by me. I think if he just shagged me and turned over and went to sleep I would lay there and cry. I know I can be an insensitive bitch but Lee has really got me, in so many ways. he has melted my ice cold heart and warmed up my hostile and unaffectionate body!

I imagined that sex would be a nice physical thing, but has proved to be so much more. I have fallen more in love with Mr Chapman with every night I have spent engulfed by his soft yet strong arms. I asked him last night (laying there looking at each other, eyelids half down, tired out but not wanting to sleep), if I was special to him or if the other girls he’s been with have made him feel the same as I do. No. No way, he said. He has never felt so connected to another human being mentally and physically. Wow! I also asked him (I don’t know why I did but I had to know) whether he ever felt like sleeping with other girls in London. I mean he worked in a bar for fuck’s sake. A ROCK bar no less. His answer upset me slightly, but I DID ask! I expected him to go ‘no casey, my love, I only want you, I only think about YOU and no other girl ever occupies my mind.’ He didn’t though. He said that he sees a lot of beautiful girls in the bar and a lot of them are slightly, and sometimes very, pissed and they flirt with him. Some even stay there til closing so they can try and get him to go home with them! )Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!) And he enjoys the flirting but that’s all it ever is. AND~(as said almost word for word):

”I am in love with you and that, for me, means I can appreciate other beautiful girls and feel flattered when they chat me up, but I only want you. Most guys can separate sex and love, but I can’t,at least not anymore. I could when I was 15 or 16 but not now. I could never get the same satisfaction from a one night stand however sexy she was. Call me weird, but that’s how I feel. So there you are. ”

Speechless? Yep.

So he will be up the tree soon. Mum and Dad are still up but I know their routine down to the last movement. if they fucking knew what goes on up here! Good job there is a flight of stairs and thick Victorian floors separating their bedroom from mine. I still hold a pillow to my face (very very often!) so I don’t make any loud noise when Lee is doing delicious things to me. OH GOD I LOVE HIM!

Men-get-3hrs-of-orgasm-in-their-lifetime

I wonder what sex really feels like for guys? I feel a bit weird when I think about it. I mean, we talk about everything, despite my usual icy exterior and unwillingness to divulge emotional stuff, but I will NEVER know how he is feeling while we are doing the deed. THE DEED Hahahahah! I know it’s fucking good whatever it is, judging by the noises HE makes! What’s wrong with me, I can’t get enough of him. Am I a nimfo? If so, well I don’t give a monkey’s chuffer.

Oooo. Silence in the house. Time to send the sex text!

I might pluck up courage to ask him to describe what it feels like…………….

Has anyone reading this ever had that conversation????!!!!

Just found this. An interesting thread! I want to ask Lee so badly now. I’m interested in his analogies………… velvet slipper? Hahaha

http://www.elitefitness.com/forum/elite-between-sheets/what-does-act-intercourse-feel-like-man-364640-3.html

Night 1

May 28, 2013

 

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Poor Lee. His M&D are splitting up. Hence his Dad is going to live in Leeds. His mum and siss get to stay here so Lee will be coming here for holidays which is good for us (selfish Casey) but right now it’s all raw.

He climbed up to my room at half past midnight and just collapsed on my bed in silence. Then he told me everything. He cried a bit. I just lay there stunned, not knowing what to say. I’m not good with intense emotions, especially coming from something I don’t understand. If my parents split up, I don’t think I would be that bothered. That’s the honest truth.

All I could manage was a few ‘oh my god’ s, which he must have thought lame as fuck. Then after a while he rolled over and hugged me (of course I obliged) and we stayed like that for a while. He kept thanking me for being there and listening to him. I must have done right after all.

Then he started snoring.

I guess this is where Casey has to grow up and realise that life can get in the way of passionate wild nights of sex.

I set the alarm for 6am and after lying there in his bear-like arms for about a blissful hour (secretly hoping he would wake up and ravish me) I must have fallen asleep too. When the hideous thing woke us up this morning, we talked for a bit longer and he said he felt a bit better from just being able to rant to me. He promised we would hang out later today and with a long kiss and hug, he disappeared into the morning haze. He looked so sexy, his hair all over his sleepy eyes.

I feel like I have turned a corner. We slept together but didn’t sleep together. Isn’t that kinda cool?

It was also good to be there for HIM for once and to see HIS vulnerable side. It’s usually him there for me, giving advice about college and my parents. Yes, defo a good night.

I couldn’t resist taking this photo…

unmade-bed1

Sex part 2

February 24, 2013

Rolling over, face buried in pillows then sheets then duvet, his smell engulfing me. My senses are so alive, so electric. I want to laugh and I want to cry. No, bawl. Scream my lungs out. Happy. Full. Empty. Sad. Ecstatic. He has gone but he is still here. In this bed. In my arms. What a night! He left at 6:30am. The alarm had been set before he even sneaked in, both of us being petrified that we would oversleep and get found out again. It was so easy. The hard thing was to let him go but after about ten minutes of hugs and kisses and longing looks, he climbed back out the window, me clinging to him til the last second, wishing he would drag me with him. Either that or stay. Locked in my attic forever. I have not been able to move since he returned, through the door this time, to say goodbye. Ironically mum let him come uo and see me in my room, saying she didn’t know why I hadn’t come down for breakfast yet!
Another 10 minutes of clinging and rolling around in our maelstrom of sheets before he put his beautiful soft hands on my face, looked deep in to my eyes and told me he loved me and that it had been the most amazing night of his life.
Goodbye was all I managed to say before the heat in the back of eyes threatened stupid tears. I managed to blink them away until he had left and I heard him say bye to mum downstairs. The crying started and hasn’t yet stopped. I don’t know how I can feel this sad and be this happy at the same time. I just want to wallow in this nest of a bed forever.

2

waiting

February 23, 2013

So Lee just left.

I am in my room waiting for M&D to go to bed and settle down. They are still moving around. I know this because I’ve got my lights off and my attic room door open so I can hear noises floating up the stairs.

I am to text him when I’m sure they are asleep and he is going to come to the tree which grows under my back window. He will climb up, because I have give him detailed instructions on how to do so, and then he will be in my room for the night. 

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