April 20, 2013
I have been back for…*working it out*…oh, a week! Jesus I didn’t even realise it was a week ago since I flung my bags and laptop down on my bed in my attic room and wanted to die of exhaustion and from the black cloud that was pouring freezing, blinding rain onto my shit life.
Yeh well. As you can probs work out, I am non too happy to be back in this dark, cold, rainy country where no one smiles. My only saving graces are the two men in my life who are here. Lee and Dimitris.
Basically (I hate people who say that but there, I said it and don’t give a fuck) I have been catching up on all my college work and Skyping lee and Dimitri. Nothing else. I miss Thessaloniki so much it hurts. I have been trying to work out a way to go and live there but Dad says that it’s impossible nowadays with the crisis and all that jazz. He says it isn’t even worth me studying there as there are no good Universities for Arts or Design and I would have to know Greek to like, an AMAZING standard to even be able to get by. And A levels probs wouldn’t count as a way in cos money apparently has more standing than exam results. In other words parents BRIBE the universities to take their kids on. Really now?!! No wonder Dad studied here.
But that doesn’t make me feel any better. I’m so utterly damn confused about everything.
Sometimes I wish I had never gone to Thessaloniki but then…no I don’t cos it was frickin awesome!
I even miss my little garconiera.
I miss Dimitri. We got up to some crap! The last two nights we stayed up on the balcony til 3am and I got royally pissed and then he took me for drives around the city and we went for some beers on the VERY last night but don’t tell M&D cos they forbade it. Well they should know not to forbid Casey cos she will do it. For sure.
Yeh so what about Lee?
I got to Skype with him a bit more when I got back but it was late. Like 2am til fall asleep on top of the laptop type of late. He is working so hard and I am deeply shitting myself about him. He never stops! He has got dark rings under his eyes every time I chat with him and he slurs his speech. I don’t think his M&D realise how many shifts he is working right now. I feel like going over there and telling them but I think they’ve got enough to worry about. Like his Dad finding a job! My M&D have been helping out a lot like making them food and Mum has been there to help her clean and do stuff around the house. That’s more for a friendly ear though I reckon. Lisa said he had an interview while we were away but didn’t get it after all that so that made him feel loads worse. Shit. Lee is sending money home I think as well.
I know he loves me but he hasn’t told me for ages now. I don’t want to stress him out with my shit so I tell Dimitri everything. We have grown close and I afraid that I’m spending more time talking with him than Lee. What can I do though? He is also having probs with his girlfriend so we are kinda consoling each other. I think he likes me more than mates but I can’t ‘entertain’ that thought right now. Why do things happen when you least NEED them to? He has said I can go stay with him in Manchester whenever I want but I think, and this is the plain fucking truth, we would end up doing something and I don’t want that shit on my shoulders as well. We came pretty close to kissing in the car when we got back on the last night and we had been to this cool as SHIT rock bar above an old indoor market place. (I can’t remember the name of it now). He was looking at me right in the eyes….IN the eyes and he said that he had had the best week with me and he would miss me loads. We hugged and..and…and…well you know. It was on the cards but we both kinda laughed it off and got out the car. Awkwardly.
I love Lee with all my heart. It’s just that Dimitri is different to any guy I have ever met. He is part of my roots, part of that part of me that I have just found. That beautiful city of light. It’s so so so magical. He IS that place and so therefore he IS me.
I haven’t said anything to Lee or him about how I feel. I do feel lucky to have them both in my life though. Of course I told Lee about him and he didn’t seem to mind..when I told him we were just friends. Are we though?
Anyway. He will probably sort stuff out with his girl and Lee’s Dad will find a job and everything will get back to normal. I will soon forget how empty I feel now and how amazing Greece is. I will be comfortably numb, sitting up here dreaming about the summer hols when I can see Lee. Everything will be great again when he comes here and we play the game of climb the tree to my room and sleep together til dawn. Except the fucking tree will have leaves on it then so it’ll be a bitch to climb up and down. Hahaha poor Lee!
Yes. Life will be good again. I hope……..
For now I will be playing Greek Rock music as recommended by Dim (or Jim as his English buds call him) and posting some more of my Thessaloniki pictures so I can stare at them some more. And weep.
Let it continue…..
Xilina Spathia (The wooden Swords)
Xartinos Ouranos (Paper Sky)
Pix Lax (Punch Kick)
Monaxia mou ola (My loneliness is everything)
Pou isouna fws mou (where were you, my light)
(btw I am trying to translate some of these songs with the help of D of course. That last one has beautifully dark lyrics about love and pain).
December 31, 2012
So Lee has just been round. He asked me to go to his house tonight as his parents are spending it with friends and him and his sister, Lisa are having a party with a few of his old school mates and some of Lisa’s friends. I would have preferred to have Lee to myself tonight, but what can I do? There are no decent places to go out around here so us teens must stick together I guess. Stella wanted me to go to Rechford but I don’t want to. She doesn’t want to come here which I think is a bit shit as I haven’t seen her for ages. Kate and I haven’t really spoken much since I was ill before Christmas and I’m a bit pissed off with her to be honest. Lee is only here for a while and soon Annabelle will turn up. I want to make the most of the time I’ve got with him before I sink down into the pit of misery that is my life without him. (I was trying to be positive and upbeat today but fuck it. It’s too tiring!)
So party it is. At least Lee’s M&D don’t mind him having alcohol. That’s another (of a gazillion) reasons why having a sensible 19 year old (almost boy) friend is a good idea! My parents don’t let me drink (even though I do, see previous posts!) because once I had some wine at one of Mum’s dinner parties and I threw up under the table. And made an ass of myself in front of their friends. Quelle supriiiiiiiiiiiise!
Anyways, he asked me if I was ok and gave me another amazing hug. (Fuckkkkkkk me I want more!) I didn’t finish the previous post about what happened after our walk. Basically, we walked back to my house and sat at the kitchen table drinking hot choco. I was gutted but at the same time quite excited as I knew how he felt and I had fucking KISSED him! So the conversation was about a lot of things. I tried to be ok with it cos I know he’s in a difficult situ with my strict as shit parents and the fact that his know mine and all that. These were the points we discussed: (The nearest I can remember as the actual words):
1. He said: Your parents are worried sick and may ground you or stop us seeing each other if we mess up even once. (ie if they catch us kissing etc). I said: We can be extra careful. He said: So what’s the difference in our relationship as friends and as a couple? Only now we don’t have a physical thing going. We can wait for that. I said: Nothing. (fuckshit)
2. He said: I’m at Uni and you’re here. A long distance relationship will be hard on both of us. I said: I DON’T CARE! I would rather sit at home knowing we are a couple and miss you as a boyfriend than sit at home and miss you as a friend. He said: Ok, I get your point, but you know how I feel about you. I said: So why not just admit we are a couple? He said: Maybe….(and went really quiet)
3. He said: I don’t want our friendship to suffer. Would we be able to maintain our closeness as friends if we broke up? He told me about a friend of his who had started seeing a good friend of his and it all went wrong and now they don’t speak at all! I said: I think we would. We are both quite mature (me? pffff ok!) and you are my best friend and always will be. But now it’s like we’ve crossed the line anyway. He said: Yes we have in a way. Oh for fuck’s sake this is so hard! (Yes, Lee. It’s killing me.)
4. He said: I’m scared of getting hurt and/or hurting you. I said: But it hurts right now, doesn’t it? (He was nodding). He then said: I think that if we stay friends for now, that it’s safer. Being in love is so complicated. You are only 17. I worry about that. I said: I can look out for myself. I trust you to be honest with me, that’s all I can ask of you and you of me. I want a chance for us, that’s all.
I was trembling and wished I had a glass of red wine in my hand.
Then THEY came back. Discussion over. He just said, before Mum started going on about some village gossip, that we should think carefully and give it some time before we decide one way or another. He smiled at me so warmly I wanted to just grab him across the table. That kiss…..oh my that kiss!
See? What a fucking fuck up! What do I do? Leave it or keep trying to push my reasoning? Casey always tries to get her own way. Maybe it should be one of my N Y resolutions, to stop trying to manipulate everyone to my way of thinking. I can’t help it though! I don’t know how I’m going to cope now, knowing Lee feels this way about me. I mean, WHEN does he think we can be together then? When I leave for Uni? That’s another year or more yet! No way……….no no no no. I will die.
Well. Tonight will be interesting. I intend to drink. A lot. Will I be able to keep my hands off that person who I love? I doubt it. He is stronger than I am, that’s for sure. Oh holy crap. I wonder who else will be there? Lisa’s friends. Maybe me and Lee can just go off to another room and have our own party. Thing is his old buds will be there as well. Oh joy.
Happy Fucking New Year! 😦
This is all I want for 2013