Calmed but

December 28, 2012

So. I have been stuck in my room sulking today. lee is coming round tonight, which is good, but we’ll have to sit downstairs again. I spoke to him today and he said that his Mum approached him about the ‘subject’ of him and me and they discussed it rationally. He said I should do the same with my M&D. Rational doesn’t usually figure in our discussions though, so I don’t think it’ll work.

He’s so sensible. Maybe too sensible. Now I’m not sure if he has totally gone off the idea of me and him getting together. He needed time to get his head round it and now this with parents has made it worse. Well done Casey you frickin moron….

He said that he can see my parents’ point of view. What now? At first I really started wondering if he had aged 30 years over night. Then he explained that from their angle it appeared that we had deliberately slept together, and then I had tried to sneak out, which had fuelled that belief  and distrust. He gets on well with his Mum so she had obviously repeated what my M&D had said and because Lee is frickin sensible, he had asked his Mum’s viewpoint. Hmm. Why can’t I do that? So anyhow, his Mum trusts him and he has told her that we will not be ‘sleeping together’ and that we are just good friends.

Excuse fucking me?

He told me all this and said that we mustn’t give them any more cause to doubt us or distrust either of us. They don’t want us sleeping together and so we must act as friends. I asked him ( I was really pissed off) if that is what he wants. He said ‘Of course not’ and then said that he would rather see me as a friend than be banned from seeing me, because then we are fucked.

I guess he is right but it feels like he has dangled his love in front of my face after months of starvation only to take it back again. I don’t know what to think. We don’t have to have sex, it’s not about that. I just want us to be together as girlfriend and boyfriend. He thinks it’s too risky and that if we are even seen kissing it could be us doomed. I guess he’s right, but it makes me feel even worse now knowing that he has ‘more than friends’ feelings for me yet we have to hide them.

Perhaps I should talk to my M&D and tell them I am not planning on having sex with him any time soon. (Damn shame!) I do not know if I can even utter that word in front of them.

I guess I have to grow up a bit and be calm and patient. Show M&D and HIM that I can act maturely. He’s worth the wait!

I hope we get chance to talk about it tonight. 😦

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4 Responses to “Calmed but”

  1. primalnights Says:

    I saw that you liked a post of mine so I came back to get a little more backgound on you and lee. This was a good post. You are a good writer and you get your point out there without to many words. A Talent that I need to develope. This post hit on something that hits it right on the head. Its not about the physical nearly so much as the emotional. I simply want to know that Catnip loves me and values me and want to be part of me. But oddly, even though I know that, it still claws at me like a mad cat. Then that emotional drive continues to burn at me. Catnip has told me many times that she loves me and wished I could be hers. But the desire to have that reconfirmed over and over again burns inside me. At times I am sure it will drive me mad.

    • Casey Says:

      Hi Primal,
      It must be hard for Catnip knowing that she can’t really have you. She can be with you and be your lover but she can never truly be wholly with you, in everyday life. I imagine what I would feel like if Lee was married and I was seeing him. It would kill me!
      Thank you for the compliment about my writing, I just type it how my head says it. Your poems are exquisite. I have never been good at writing it but I would like to be.
      Love drives us all mad!
      It has been two weeks since Lee left and although we talk on the phone ever night it’s killing me. I thought I would cope better knowing that we are together as b/friend & g/friend but it’s WORSE!!! 😦

      • primalnights Says:

        I’m sorry I missed this. Thnk you for such a beautiful comment. I always need to stop and consider what she is going through and I’m not very good at that. Thank you very much!

  2. Casey Says:

    It’s ok. I don’t always expect a reply, I just like that I can share with people here as I find it hard to open up face to face. It was just a girl’s perspective :)Hope things are fine with you both?


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