White noise

I am still here, in my boxroom. The house is so quiet for a Friday night. I can usually hear Simon’s dull roar of grunge metal booming out of his room, Annabelle’s droney death metal and Chloe’s fairy hippie starlight folk tunes. If I stop typing all I can hear is cars trailing past on Hewerdean Road and people walking past, talking too fast, probably on their way out to the pub. I’ve got another week til I start my BA Course in Technical Theatre Arts at Guildhall. 15th September. What am I going to do if this shit isn’t sorted by then?

I miss Richard for his silliness and how he brought fun to everything.

I miss Lee for his safety, warmth and just cos he knows me better than I know myelf.

I miss Simon for being the person I aspire to be. The one who needs new experiences, the one who seeks out adventure and things that make life interesting even if those things are painful. He’s alive and real. he doesn’t pretend. I’ve seen him yell like a banshee at Chloe when she goes on about how beautiful the world is….I’ve heard him go on to Anna about how she should fuck everyone off who gives her shit about her sexuality. Simon says it how it is. He doesn’t disguise the human state. He never gets embarrassed. He never apologises for his likes, preferences, opinions, selfish actions or his need to know..mostly things that people won’t admit to. It’s like he’s a researcher of human behaviours and thoughts. If you say the word ‘normal’ he starts on you about the fact that NOTHING is normal, it doesn’t exist. Like, he says if someone dares say ‘it’s not normal’ in front of him, he’ll get a smack in the gob. I really like Simon. He has said a lot of stuff to me that I wouldn’t have taken from anyone else. I have taken it because underneath, he’s how I want to be. Lee is all about honesty too and I think that that’s why they love each other so much….but Lee can’t bear to see people hurt. He would gladly sacrifice his own happiness and comfort to make others happy. He is always saying I should think about how my words are going to affect someone before I speak. Thinks of other people’s feelings. Simon doesn’t. He said to me once that we are all owners of our own feelings and we should know ourselves well enough to be strong and take other people’s criticisms with a smile. He believes in tough love, just like Lee does, but it’s the delivery that’s different.

Oh my God. I want to text Simon. Hackney is not so far away. I want to meet him in a dark corner pub somewhere and talk about life.

But I also want to feel Lee’s arms around me. Comfort and safety.

it’s raining again. I can hear voices downstairs. Laughter. Maybe it’s Anna and Lou. Chloe’s not laughing because she’s pissed with me, hurting her Lee. Joel is out with Lisa, she came for the weekend as she does. Lee is in our room, I can hear him occasionally strumming on his guitar and abruptly stopping….he’s not good. He came back and knocked on my door a while ago saying that he’d made me some pasta with veggie sauce, and mine was on the hob. I haven’t been down to get it. I’m not hungry. I could do with a bottle of wine though………

This room is too small, like a hole. I feel like I’m in prison.

Oh another text message:

Casey, how are you? Please reply. Lee won’t talk and I’m home alone here, my bro out with his girlfriend. Get on tube and come. x

Should I?

So I’ll ask you again…..have you?

This was the point of the conversation last night when I realised I’m a fucking lame person and don’t even deserve to have Lee as a boyfriend. I think we’re over.

I am sitting in the living room on my own. Anna has been in, Chloe and Joel but no Simon and no Lee. I don’t even know how this whole shabang-fuck started, only that one minute I thought my life was a mess but sortable and the next, literally within that space of time when I ate a snack and they came in, it was irretrievably shredded beyond recognition.

Simon must have told Lee we slept together.

Mr Truth has spoken. I mean we can all sit there and fucking go ”Honesty is the best policy…..we learn from our mistakes….” blarg blarg, but when it comes to it, do we REALLY tell the truth? NO! Except Simon does, obviously. What MOTIVE has he got for doing this? He told me after we’d indulged in our mutual lust that he felt better, he’d ‘got it out of his system’ and no one ever needed to find out. I was very ok with that, especially after being ragged on about Richard. Lee took that so well, but I doubted that shagging his best mate in OUR bed would have the same zen effect! I was so right.

So yesterday they (Lee & Si) walked into the kitchen where I was perched precariously on a bar stool, me in my pyjama bottoms with stupid red hearts all over them and rips in them..feeling battered enough, but Lee’s face looked like it had been hit with a lead shovel. his eyes were wide like he was in shock, (well he was I guess), and Simon skulked off upstairs, the fucking yellow coward. He pushed the bags of food onto the counter top and stood there with his back to me for ages, not speaking or moving. When Lee doesn’t speak, you know something catastrophic has happened. I asked what was up and he didn’t move, but I could tell he kept rubbing his hands on his eyes. I think he was crying.

He turned eventually and grabbed my hand, leading me too fast up the two flights. I needed my inhaler when I got to the bedroom and he just swiped his hand towards me as if to say hurry up and just inhale. I did, trying to drag it out. I wanted to get my thoughts together. Rows with Lee are never just structureless yell-fests, they are like university professors having a debate over a midnight brandy.

Then he asked it. “Have you slept with anyone else apart from Richard?”

I retaliated immediately, which was stupid cos it made it obvious I was on the defence.

“I didn’t sleep with Richard.”

I sounded like I was trying to gain points, I could feel my mouth smiling at him as if I had won. I knew it wasn’t a competition but I am childish and puerile. I haven’t learned a single fucking thing from being with him for two years. idiot.

He told me not to be so clever. That he was hurt beyond pain. A kiss and a grope was one thing, but sleeping together?

I decided there and then that I would just deny everything. My usual tack. My usual selfish approach to relationship issue solving. Bravo.

“No I haven’t, Lee. Why would I?”

He then LAUGHED.

“Ok, Casey.” he said, shaking his head in disbelief. I honestly thought this was all a joke and he’d go “GOT YA!” and attack my ribs with his guitar strumming fingers like he always did when he’d managed to verbally prank me. But he sat down on the bed and put his head in his hands. I was appalled when I noticed he was rocking slightly too. I wanted to run but my legs wouldn’t move. My feet felt like molten lead in the carpet.

“Look, I know you have. Please just let’s be honest about this or we can’t get past it, ever. For ONCE in our relationship, admit you fucked up! It’s not hard, I mean I already know. Just say it!”

He was really pissed.

I shook my head and adopted the best astonished and ‘how could you even think I’d do that to you’ face. As if I had the right to be offended.

“How do you know? Who told you?”

Childish Casey. What was the point of that? As if it mattered who told him. He was asking a question, he was begging for honesty and I couldn’t do it. It was because I didn’t want us to split up. I love him.

But it’s not going to keep him loving me either is it? Either way I lose. Might as well have just said it……..

“I didn’t Lee. I love you.”

“Then why are you lying, AGAIN?”

“I’m not, I’m telling you Richard was a mistake! There was only ever him, now it’s over, I told you that! Please Lee!”

I was shouting louder than ten decibels of Lee. And I was the one in the wrong. I was being so transparent, I knew I was pushing our love over the edge of the suicide cliff, but I couldn’t stop.

Lee was staring at his converses. Silence pervaded. The room closed in on me.

“if you are lying to me, we are so over. Please think long and hard about this Casey. I love you so much. We have been through so much. Don’t let us go, please don’t.”

Silence again.

I could have just admitted it. He was more or less telling me that he might be able to forgive. A voice in my head was going, ‘Tell him about Simon, be strong, be brave, be like Simon. BE TRUE TO YOURSELF.’ We had things to discuss, I wasn’t happy…this could be the pivotal point that projected us into a higher realm of contentment and closeness….and I wanted that, deep down I knew I loved Lee…the others were flings, lust versus love. Or did I really want to stay with Lee, domestic bliss, babies, marriage? Maybe Simon is the one? Excitement, new experiences, exploring boundaries of our dark sides, living in art…it made my heart sing. Had he told Lee because he wanted that with me? Had he begged Lee to let me go? Was he so sure that we were perfect together?

This thought was still swirling around my head and piercing my heart when Lee said it.

“So, I’ll ask you again…………”

London, September 2nd 2015. Back to Black

I’m here. I travelled back last night and didn’t get in til late. I couldn’t be arsed to talk to anyone so went straight to bed in ‘my’ room. I think it’s the first time ever that I’ve slept in it since I moved into the feral house with Lee and his friends.

Lee must have got up early because he kept rapping on my door wanting to get in. He wanted to talk, as ever. I just wanted to sleep and stayed there behind drawn curtains ’til about 3pm. I couldn’t hear any noises of laughing, music, guitars or TV when I crawled out of bed and when I crept downstairs to the kitchen to make black coffee, it was silent except for the wind whistling through the gap in the kitchen window (so the landlord hasn’t fixed it then!). The rain has been lashing since I woke up. Black clouds just hang there repressing everything. Back to Black.

My phone had got 15 missed calls and 5 texts off Lee when I checked it earlier, most of them begging to talk and the last one telling me he was going out with Simon to get some stuff for dinner. Now it’s got a further 5 missed calls. They must have stopped off somewhere else cos they’ve been hours. Fine by me. I can’t face Simon right now anyways. The vibe he gives me is so intense, it’s almost psychotic the way he looks at me, GLARES at me. I know from first hand experience, he’s no fickle guy. The one-nighter we had wasn’t intended to be that way, not by him at least. Maybe I should move out? No. I love this house with its rickety walls, weird decor and attc space where our room is. It’s like Fagin’s den…there’s a skylight in the ‘hall’ that doesn’t open and you can see pigeon feet tapping across it. You can see the sky through the rain puddle that collects there. It’s ace. I love the narrow stairway that goes up to our top floor and that you can’t pass anyone else on it, it’s too cramped.

How did he seriously think we’d go on together in his house under Lee’s nose? We all know exactly what each other’s up to here, no one can even take a dump without everyone marking down on the kitchen calender. I find Simon wildly attractive and I also loved being with Wadesy. I miss him a lot but promised Lee it was over……. but my dilemma is I love Lee, I mean I can’t imagine him not being in my life. What am I supposed to do?

Love lost? I am so depressed.

Lee is still in London with Chloe. He is being fine with me, which is more than I deserve after what I’ve done, but I just don’t get WHY he had to go there! He could have gone to his Dad in Leeds. But Chloe? I am deathly paranoid now because she did admit her feelings and he was genuinely shocked, but I sense that he has been thinking about things a lot lately and whether he would be happier with her. I mean he always spoke of her as his closest friend. They are very very similar in character, both quiet and introverted, but with fire in their bellies when they need it. She’s a Wiccan and Lee has always loved the Old Religions and Cultures. He’s more of a Buddhist though….but he finds her practices fascinating. They are both Sensitive to the point of ridiculous as well and they always retreated to one another when things got tough…Yes, he’d talk to me, but the difference was, Chloe could make him feel better whereas our relationship has always been one sided as though Lee is in it to save me. I never understood what he saw in me, what I ever brought to the table. Jesus, I’m depressed.

And then there’s the point that I have been making out with another guy for approximately 2 months behind Lee’s back. It doesn’t seem to salvage anything when I remind him that I didn’t sleep with him. Lee, being Lee has already forgiven me. He didn’t even get pissed, he just went quiet for a few days and then asked me why I needed to do that with another guy, was there something missing from our relationship? Did he not pay me enough attention? He made me want to scream…………..because this…this MARRIAGE like thing we’ve got is so fucking DULL! ‘let’s talk it through, let’s get to the root of the issue.’ NO I DON’T WANT TO, I JUST WANT TO LIVE! DO STUFF WITHOUT HAVING TO ANALYSE IT!

That’s why I slept with Simon i guess. I saw an Oscar Wilde quote scrawled on his bedroom wall one afternoon when we were sat in there, all of us, when the electric went out. Simon had candles and Lee and him jammed on guitars for hours until suddenly the lights came back on. Chloe and Anna were asleep. I noticed it then in the glare of the stark lamp on his bedside table:

“The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. Resist it, and your soul grows sick with longing for the things it has forbidden to itself, with desire for what its monstrous laws have made monstrous and unlawful.”

I became a little bit obsessive about Simon from that moment on as he was the answer to my longings. Little did I know he’d grown sick with longing for me. But that’s another blog post.

Finally, the ever-decreasing endless issue of KIDS that somehow won’t lie down and let us live in peace. I am 18 for fuck’s sake, not 38. Why does everything around us have to keep prodding and picking at that wound we made bleed when we first got together? The one where he says he wants kids and to be married by the time he’s 25…and I say I don’t care about marriage and I don’t want to sprog..there are enough kids in this world without homes and food…why add to it? I find the whole idea of childbirth repulsive and the thought of babies repugnant. I am not a mother! Chloe is though isn’t she.

Perfect.

Untitled 2

Ok. So I fancied Richard like mad. He was (is!) a lot like Lee in many ways, that kind, sensitive type….not like Simon, yes, Simon who I live with. (But that’s another story and one that Lee doesn’t know about and never will as long as I live and breathe. The only other person who knows is Simon. Maybe I’ll write about that in another post, if i can bring myself to write the words. I’m a bad-ass girlfriend, rubbish and fickle. That’s probably why Simon likes me so much. TMI). We got upstairs and he still had hold of my hand. His sculptor’s fingers were woven around mine and felt cool, yet strong and confident. My knees were about to give way. I asked him whose room it was as we entered that same room and I noticed it smelt of stale beer and sweaty socks. he said it was his mate Tindel’s room, the smelly bastard, and he was at his Mum’s for the weekend. Ok then, I thought….that makes it ok?

He started pressing buttons on the IPOD dock and some indie warble droned around the room. Wadsey kicked his Docs off and sat on the bed, smiling again. Neither of us knew what to say for ages. I didn’t know whether I was reading the situation totally wrongly and he just intended to go to sleep, or whether he assumed we would have sex. After all this was Uni, this was a predominantly art student corridor of the Rez. it’s what they DO. I gingerly sat on the bed, the edge, not touching him, but I knew that if he made a move I would have no choice but to go through with it. His eyes were all sparkly despite the fact it was nearly daylight and we’d been up all night, and his lips were turned up at the corners teasingly. I wanted to kiss him, so very very badly.

Then suddenly, without warning he just came right out with it. ‘I like you a lot Casey but I know you’re living with your boyfriend. I don’t know where I stand.Help?’

I laughed. He didn’t

‘Did you leave your keys on purpose? Come on just be honest with me, I can take it.’

What did I say? I said this:

‘No.’

Silence for ages. He was leaning on one arm, his plaid shirt undone and a dark brown t-shirt with ‘Wishbone Ash’ written across it showing. Some obscure band t-shirt that I would dearly have loved to remove. I really was lost for words. He seemed like a nice guy and genuinely didn’t want to be a drunken one-night-stand to a girl who was living with her boyfriend. I decided I couldn’t look at him anymore because I really wanted to kiss him now that the realisation that I wasn’t allowed to had dawned on me. I lay down and soon his face appeared next to mine. This guy sure knew how to tempt me. Didn’t he know? Are guys so stupid that they automatically think they are ‘not attractive’ to us girls? The same as Lee, always brushing off compliments when I try and tell him how many girls gawp at him when they walk past him. I was lucky (am lucky) so why did I want it so badly with someone else? Why had I wanted (and still want) Simon?

Then, his face was coming closer and I could smell the feint and not unpleasant aroma of cider on his breath, He was still smiling as his lips touched mine. They were sooooooo soft and cool. At first, I felt numb, like I was just dreaming it, but gradually a warm feeling spread itself over my neck and face and I sunk in to his kiss, feeling his tongue touch mine. Then he pulled away.

I opened my eyes. The sun was up. The curtains were still open and the trees outside the window tickled the glass as if to say, take the bloody chance, stand up and get a grip, girl. His face was questioning as if he was waiting for a sign to carry on. Oh how I wanted to. His plaid shirt was pressing against my vest top that had the chaos symbol tie dyed into it. He was so close to me that I felt like I was melting. He hadn’t touched me at all, almost as if that would have been the last barrier. I moved away.

‘Sleep then?’ he said, making it into a question but knowing full well the answer. He wasn’t smiling as I closed my eyes. I must have fallen asleep as soon as, my lips still tingling and a feeling in my throat like a hedgehog had crawled in there and died.

I slept until about 8. Wadesy woke me up as he scrambled off the bed. I watched him for a few minutes, dreading how I’d feel when I lifted my head off the pillow, a raging hangover already pressing my temples. He didn’t look at me as he left the room and I closed my eyes hoping to forget about this and just go back to sleep. Maybe Fern would come in and find me and we’d go back to hers together and I’d sleep on the sofa, trying to forget how his lips had made me feel.

He came back in but I kept my eyes shut. I heard a glass being put down and my throat constricted as I gagged for water. I opened one eyes and saw a marvelous sight…a tall pint glass of iced water. ‘It’s for you’ he said as he stamped his foot into his Doc. Then he said he had to go and get Pikey up for training, but he had this for me. I looked down and his number was written on a piece of roll-up tobacco paper. His number? I stared at it, not understanding anything. I had lead him on, kissed him and rejected him, fallen asleep and he still liked me?

Then he said he’d told Fern I was there and she said to wake her up in a few hours. ‘Go back to sleep’ he said….

I heard myself say sorry and he approached the bed, leaned down and kissed me on the cheek. The bitch that I am tried to turn my cheek so he’d kiss my lips, but it didn’t work. he wasn’t fucking stupid. He was a nice guy. I’m the one who’s messed up.

He left and I did fall asleep. I was woken up by my phone ringing and Lee’s name lit up in bright neon, blinding letters. As I murmured Good mornings, I told my first lie to Lee. EVER. I told him I was at Fern’s on the sofa. He laughed and said he’d missed me but was glad I’d had a good time. Lee’s trust ran out though, a few months after that day. Just to say, the lie about where I slept that night wasn’t the end of the lies I told to my trusting boyfriend. At least two more lies involved Wadesy and the lies that concerned Simon? I’ve lost count. He found out about the two lies and Wadesy. That’s when all the problems started, the shit hit multiple fans. That’s why we decided to leave the Feral house and come back here to our roots; to where we first began. I guess we both hoped it would give us the chance to get away from everything and clear our heads together, get away from the others, from Fern and from Wadesy. I needed away from Simon as well, that is more important right now than to be far away from Richard, but of course Lee doesn’t know that. Wadesy is nice, he understands what we have is what it is, just a flirt and a few kisses when we get drunk. he doesn’t pressure me to break up with Lee. Not like Simon. Simon is intense. He won’t stop. The glaring at meal times, the laser eyes cutting Lee and I apart when we cuddle up on the sofa watching DVDs on a Saturday night. He won’t leave it until I tell Lee and I leave him.

Then there’s Chloe. I always knew she was in love with Lee, but of course he never believed me. She had one glass of wine too many one night (Chloe doesn’t drink much, just like Lee) and she started saying weird shit to us, aiming some really harsh words at me, like ‘You don’t love him, you’re just using him to stay here in London…I’ve seen the way you flirt with all the boys, tempting them and giving it all with fake promises……’ Lee told her to stop, but she carried on and Annabitch (who, incidently isn’t a bitch at all it turns out), took her upstairs and tried to put her to bed. Anna told me that she is deeply in love with Lee and finds it torturous to live with us two, next to us and listen to us ‘faire l’amour passionne’ (whatever that means…I can guess), and wanted to swap rooms with Anna downstairs. Well, Anna had words with lee and he was mortified that she felt that way and he never knew….he said ‘mortified’ but I think it was more shocked that I was right…and that someone as beautiful and clever and talented and graceful could feel that way about him. …(you get the message about how he feels about her, like she’s a Goddess…he always spoke of her like his sister and how he would protect her with his life if he had to, they were soul mates and had a deep spiritual connection….blah blah yarda yarp…).

Something shifted after that night. Their friendship changed. I caught him staring at her one evening while we were watching films, his arms were limp around me as if he couldn’t be arsed, as if he wanted to be somewhere else. She had her face buried in a cushion most of the time, being petrified of anything remotely scary (I think we were watching ‘The Shining’), so she didn’t notice, or if she did, made a great pretence of ignoring his gaze. All this happened just when Lee found out about my lie, the one where I said I was with Fern when in fact I was with Wadesy. He found out because again, I had left my door keys on the marble-top table in the hallway….he tried to call me but I didn’t pick up (of course, I was with Wadsey) and instead of just staying in and waiting for me to come back and letting me in, he decided he wanted to go to Camden Market with Si. Of course, bloody Camden isn’t far from Fern’s and so Lee being Lee decided to drop the keys round at hers. She answered the door and didn’t know where I was because I hadn’t even been there. I had met Wadesy at Regent’s Park, our favourite place to meet to innocently bask in the sun reading books, talking about life and occasionally stealing illicit snogs on his tartan blanket.

Oh dear.

Fern called me and I raced to hers, but Lee, she said, had gone. He looked totally knocked out like she had punched him in his gut several times. She wasn’t impressed when I admitted what I’d done and suddenly she was sticking up for Lee, even though she had known her housemate and I were more than friends. Lee is like that. Women just immediately love him.

I love him. I really do. But truth be told, I’m bored. I want some adventure. I want passion. I want LIFE.

Why can’t I have Lee, snog Richard Wadesy and sleep with Simon? Who set the rules, (impossible to keep) about serial monogamy? WHO? As Simon says, no-one did. So why are we following it? Or more to the point, why does Lee think it’s so important to follow it? Richard and Simon don’t seem to care (except Simon does when he sees Lee and I together) so why does Lee? Because he loves me, says Fern. And she also said that if I really loved Lee I wouldn’t want anyone else, regardless of how gorgeous (Wadesy) or darkly attractive (Simon) they are.

But then am I not a complete hypocrite now as i clutch my phone (white knuckles and sweaty palms) in one hand and tap in the other…(it’s taking me ages to write with one hand here) . I texted Lee about hour ago and he hasn’t yet replied. The last text I got said he had arrived and Chloe was cooking. They’d better not be alone in the house! Saying that, I hope Simon’s not there. What if he goes and tells Lee about us? In his jealousy that he insists he doesn’t feel? And why am I so bothered? Because I am fucking jealous that’s why. I am a messed up. sad, lost, loved-up twisted shitbitch who can’t decide what she wants. Lee in the feral house with Chloe. Karma’s a bitch.

How do I feel? How am I supposed to feel…….

My Aunt is here at the moment. It’s half term and that means I have a whole week of getting up late and lazing around. Except that I can’t because I’ve got an EXTORTIONATE amount of college work to do as well as fulfilling my ‘promise’ to Dad of working at the surgery in the mornings. Beginning bastard tomorrow. Goodbye lye ins……:(

So back to stuff. My Aunt is here, the cool one who I share my blog with. I don’t know why we still share it but it’s fine. Yeh I have been hanging out with her since Friday and we’ve been talking about a bunch of stuff including Mum and Dad. They really piss me off. I am living like a frickin hermit here. She agrees with me that life is shit-on-a-stick for a 17 year old..nearly 18, but the thing is what can I do when I’ve got another year of A levels to do…? She offered to give me a place to stay at hers with her boyfriend but I wouldn’t have my own space and it would be too far to travel to my 6th form. Plus the college near her doesn’t do my Theatre Studies A level so I wouldn’t be able to transfer there. You reckon my M&D would let me move away? Pfffffffffffffffff no fucking way while the moon is round…

The worst scenario right now is with Lee. Apart from the OBVIOUS that he’s NOT here and it’s half term, he and Annabelle are plotting stuff. Well, there are three of them, him, Annabitchface and Chloe who are buddies in the Halls of residence near his Uni. They are all on the Fine Art Course so they hang out etc. lee’s best mates are on the Film and Animation Course at the same Uni but they live in a house quite a long way from Lee. Now apparently there are two spare rooms in this house up for rent and Lee has suggested that to make the whole dealio cheaper, those three should move in with his buddies. There’s a huge room with two double beds in it and an en suit and another single room. Annafuckingslut wants her and Lee to live in there!!!!!!!

You absolute BITCH.

I mentioned that Chloe wanted to Skype with me, well she has been texting me while she gets her laptop so we have been getting to know each other. She can’t stand Annabellend either! She finds her arrogant, snobbish and nasty. Ha! She told me that A has a way with lee, like she behaves nice in front of him but as soon as he leaves or she’s not with him, she turns nasty. She, Chloe, has suggested to Lee that Annabelle has the single room and her and him share the big one. Thing is that A’s parents are rich and pay for everything. I reckon she’s got a credit card so she can buy anything she wants on them. It would make sense for her to have her own room so that Chloe can help lee out with the rent for their room. I don’t know Chloe that well, but I would rather he share with her than Annabelle. PLUS, Chloe has brilliantly pointed out that my parents would feel better about me sleeping in that shared room with her and Lee than just with lee. (As if Chloe would stay there though….no no no we have already discussed that as Chloe has got another flat that we can stay in or she can stay in! MY PARENT DON’T KNOW WE ARE TOGETHER so if I wanted to go to London it would be all above board! (in their eyes until I get there haha!) Plus they think that Annabelle is Lee’s girlfriend (makes puking gestures) so it’s all covered for future fun and games!

So yes. Where the sweet fuck is my beautiful, sexy boyfriend? Still in pigging London that’s where. WORKING. As usual I am the last person in his life to know what’s going on. As in the summer, he has to think about his job in the bar, his Mum and sister desperately missing him, his Dad, (who he is still properly raging at) wanting to see him and ME. Yes. His secret lover who remains in the background. FUCK. The last thing we spoke about was that he might be able to come here on Wednesday until Monday. Let’s fucking hope so.

I wish I could just pack a bag and go go go to London right NOW. Fuck college work and working for my Dad. But no. Sensible Casey says she needs driving lessons and to get her work done so she can finish college and get THE SWEET FUCK out of here…..that’s what being with Lee has done to me! I’m all about the sensible. Well, sometimes…….

………….until I talk to DIMITRIS! He is threatening to come here. He doesn’t want to go back to Greece this half term without me and says that he can’t stand it, he misses me and wants to meet up. My parents agree that he can..yes because his parents are friends with my Grand YIAYIA and PAPOUS! Can you believe this shit………..what do I do? If Lee doesn’t come and Lee does, i don’t know if I can trust myself to NOT do something nuts like kiss him or sleep with him. If Lee does come (please please any God or Goddess who is listening…) then how can I have two guys who I adore, for different reasons, in the same vicinity and feel ok about it?

Me to Lee: Yes so this is Dimitri who I met in Thessaloniki and lives next door to my Grandparents and goes to Manchester Uni and who I find monstrously attractive in the sense that he’s crazy, rebellious and free spirited…like you are not………….

Me to Dimitri: Yeh, so this is Lee who I fell head over heels in love with last year because he’s so cute, loving, loyal and sensible, all the stuff that you and I are not and that makes him my polar opposite…as well as being drop dead gorgeous and sexy, as he’s the one I lost my virginity to…..and would stick by me through WW3 unlike you Dimitri…..

*SHOCK*

Hmmmm………….

I am in a shitter of a dilemma. As usual. I will be back later. Right now me and Aunty S are going to cook our vegetarian roast dinner to eat with M&D.

Laterz ………..oh I will be up here with S drinking beer. At least for a few days we’ve got a car to go out in and go buy stuff………….just to breathe.

 

 

Drunk typing instead of drunk dialling

Yeh so I am a bit cut right now. Mum didnt notice the bottle of vodka i snuck into my trolley at ASDAS yesterday afternoon. Ha.
Yesterday Lee came on skype and I noticed there was some BITCH shape moving behind him. I asked who it was and he moved aside and i saw ANNABITCH there with her back to me leaning over his bed. She turned and WAVED. i did not wave. I stuck my middle finger up at her forgetting lee could see. He just fucking sat there and stared at me for like, ever. I stared back. Not in a nice way. Then my screen went blank and my desktop appeared showing the image of lee in the graveyard that i put on there before skype etched itself permanently there.
Gone.
I tried to call him but he texted me to just let him alone for a while. Wtf? I know i shouldnt have done that but i did. Thats how i feel muthafukas!!!!!!
I am way out of it.
He called me today and we had a fight. GREAT!!!!!!
FOR THE SAKE OF FUCK!!!!
Doesnt he get it? She wants him. She hates me and is trying to cause problems. Like when she told that Cloe to go in his room knowing full well that i would see her on skype. She is so vindictive but he cant see it! Now she has won…BITCH
I feel like drinking the whole bottle of vodka tonight and not texting him back or calling. Or answering. I have got some smokes as well…leaning out my window when its windy and raining is making it difficult. I dont care. I will smoke here on my bed and listen to angry music till i fall into drunken oblivion…
College in the morning! Hahahaha! I dont think so…..
:,(

Now begin the lonely cold days of Winter

Lee went back to London yesterday.

I’ve literally just managed to drag my depressed ass out of bed. I don’t know why I thought I had to do it because now I can’t even be assed to do anything. It’s cloudy and I feel cold. I’m sitting cross legged on my messy bed wrapped in my duvet that I haven’t changed (cover-wise) for about a month. No kidding .

I didn’t sleep much last night. I had some bad ass dreams that made me wake up in a complete stress panic and at about 2:30 I decided not to go back to sleep so I fucking just went out for a long walk for like, FOREVER.

He left at about 10am. He was booked on a coach from town to London and got there at 3 in the afternoon and fucking bitch Annabelle was waiting for him at the coach station at Victoria. Like I really needed to know that? He texted me and then I didn’t hear from him at all last night so he basically left me here on my own for the first time in what? 2 months? FUCK.

I don’t even know how to write how I’m feeling. I don’t know WHAT to write. Thing is I don’t know WHAT to do about life at all right now. I can’t stand the thought of having to go back to 6th form on Monday and start the whole numb-skull process of getting through each fuck boring dull day again with the same shit. I know how it will go; Get up at 7, get ready, have breaky, catch the bus….have 3 classes of various crap, then go home and do homework, skype with Stella, Lee and Dim and stay up too late reading or watching movies, fall asleep….you get the black picture!

What can I do to stop the rot of 2013/2014 setting in? Apart from the half terms and holidays when I (hopefully) get to spend time with Lee.

It hasn’t been all romance and flowers in a meadow of passion!

We haven’t, or should I say I haven’t, got over that issue about me being almost pregnant. We spent a good week after that not really communicating. I felt like we weren’t suited on a non-romantic level..like we had just been surfing on a huge wave of lust for all this time and hadn’t noticed how little we have in common. I know we HAVE cos we spent the first gazillion years being best buddies, but when something like that hits you, it’s like, woahh and what the actual fuck do we do now!

Lee wants to get married in his twenties and have a family, at least 3 kids. I don’t. Hence the big hole in my heart. And when I say I don’t I really fucking MEAN I don’t. I want to travel, I want to go work and live abroad like my Aunt did, I want to be wild and free and a fucking liability in my 20s not some slipper wearing, bun of hair wearing, apron tied mother and housewife dying of boredom. I would defo become a drug addict or severely alcoholic. Lee or no Lee, I can’t do it. I had visions of us doing all the crazy shit together! Yes, MY crazy shit which I had never discussed with him because I ASSUMED we both shared that desire.

Fuck my fucking life.

stella thinks I should break up with him now. She reckons the longer we carry on the worse it’s gonna be when we break up like a few years time when he wants THE FAMILY. How the HELL can I? I love him to absolute distraction! He’s the other( better) half of me.

We haven’t talked about this because let’s face facts. I am 17 years old, yes nearly 18 but…wtf should I have to talk about THIS for????

I don’t know if it has ground into his brain as deep as it has in mine, but he seems a bit more distant, like we both suddenly grew older by 10 years. He is now 29 and I’m 27. Somehow I don’t think we’ll still know each other by then and THAT makes me want to lay down and die, quite frankly.

Stella’s like ‘There are so many other guys you could go out with and meet, and you’re off to Uni as well so imagine it there, all those sexy rocker boys.’

I DON’T WANT ANYONE ELSE.

Well, except perhaps Dimitris, but let’s not discuss that in this post.

Mum’s calling me.

Ok so I will try and muster up the energy to lift my fingers up and write some more later. I have a load of work to do that of course I forgot about during the holidays. I could have done it as well, Lee being at work every morning, but that’s me. Procrastinator supreme.

Fucking shit.

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April’s almost gone….and my first bust up with Lee.

 

This is my mantra. I HAVE to try and be more tolerant

Yeh so I have been like, hugely busy over the last week. Loads of college work to do and at the weekend I stayed over at Kate’s house as she had a parteeee! I had a bit of an argument with Lee over that girl in the Skype photo…that was pretty ugly for a few days, and I bloody D’s split up with his girlfriend…what a week…

Ok. Kate had a party. I went over to hers on Saturday morning and we went into town. I wanted some new charity shop finds for the summer; Kate also likes trawling second hand rails, so we had a blast. I will post my ‘haul’ stuff in another blog. Decent!

The party was ok but not that many people from college turned up. It was a quiet one, a bit boring with not good music! Why do none of my so-called friends like rock and metal?? I’ll tell you who did turn up though. My EX boyfriend, bloody hell! He has gone really scruffy and looks dirty. Not that I mind scruffy but there’s a limit. He really looked like he had just been asleep in a dumpster. He got really trollied and tried to get off with me which I found hideous. He reeked of booze and fags and when he was talking to me he kept spitting. Kate threw him out in the end. Look how things go! He was once the heartbreaker of the college and now no one wants to speak to him or be around him. I felt a little bit sorry for him but then I thought back to all the shit he has given me and how he cheated openly..nah fuck him!

Anyways Sunday I had a raging hangover and got home at about 2pm. Did nothing for a few hours cos my head was like, internally bleeding, and then I tried to Skype Lee. I hadn’t really spoken to him much since Wednesday due to his shifts at the pub. We had managed a few late night chats but nothing like we used to have. Sunday we had just enough time to lay down with each other on our beds and pretend that we were really next to each other, just talking about our day and how much we loved each other…trying to figure out when we are gonna meet up next. (Unresolved). Then he had to go to work.

That girl. Well yeh..I asked him in a text message that night that I posted the snap shot, and he didn’t answer me. I stayed up til late that night on Skype to try and catch him when he got home but I must have fallen asleep cos I woke up next morning to a text going ‘I don’t know what girl you mean. What’s with you, Case?’

I was fuming!

I texted back but I could see he was still asleep. I don’t think he went to Uni that morning at all cos I was running late for college and he was still out of it. I heard his phone make his message noise and knew it was from me. He didn’t stir. Then what happens? I see his door open and THAT GIRL comes strolling in like a bitch and starts rummaging around on his bedside table thingy. WTF?!!! I tried to call him. I heard his fucking phone ring and saw his hand groping round for it. It fell on the floor and SHE picked it up and rejected my call! OH. MY. FUCKING. GOD. I was like, what the ACTUAL fuck is going on here?

I kept ringing but he wasn’t responding. She left the room like a fucking bitch, and then I had to get off to college. BAD BAD day. At about 2 o’clock Lee called me to ask why he had so many missed calls from me, like was I ok? Hmmm NO!!!!!!!!!

He hasn’t heard my wrath before and I was BEYOND pissed off. When I get THAT mad, everything just starts to build up and I can’t see any sense in anything. In my head, he was obviously cheating on me cos SHE keeps stuff on his bedside table and sneaks in while he’s asleep etc. I didn’t stop to think that I see EVERYTHING in his room and if he was cheating I would surely see them both………in there. (I don’t want to imagine anything else going on between them in this scenario. I don’t do jealously very well AT ALL). I gave him so much shit, they must have been able to hear me shouting down the phone all the way down his street. Oh yes, Casey went BADASS. Not a pretty sight or sound in this case. The poor guy kept trying to butt in and explain but I wouldn’t let him. Of course I wouldn’t. I knew that he would soon get VERY fucking peeved with me, but I couldn’t stop ranting in his ear. Lee hates fights, verbal conflict, especially when clearly one person is a raving lunatic and the other is just sitting there like a twat listening and taking all the shit without being able to defend themselves. Oh dear.

I heard his go ‘Casey…… CASEY. If you don’t stop blasting me I am going to put the phone down.’

And then he did.

That made me even more crazed. Clearly he was also well pissed off with me by that point in time cos he didn’t ring me back and he turned off his Skype screen. It hasn’t been off since we started Skyping. I got a text about an hour later saying that when I had calmed down enough to listen I should call him, but he would not be calling me. I don’t think he realised how stubborn and bloody minded I can get. I vowed it would be days before I had calmed down. At one point I actually thought it would be NEVER. I was not going to call him back either. Oh no. This went on for 2 days!

Wednesday. I woke up feeling like I was about to hurl myself against a wall and knock myself unconscious. He hadn’t texted me or called. Skype was still down and even though I requested it and kept calling he wouldn’t put it back up. I resigned myself to the fact that I would have to make the phone call but by then it had been so long that it was all too much. Then I noticed he had emailed me!

I felt better until I actually read it. He started off calmly by explaining who the girl was. He had found out that it was the new girl in their house who had thought she was in someone else’s room. Apparently she is really nice and would never have done that had she realised. She was meant to have been in Annabelle’s room which is next to his. She didn’t know he had Skye on all the time and was really embarrassed when he asked around about it the day after I asked him. Annabelle had found her in there and simply laughed about it and shown her where her room was. (YEH that fucking bitch now as well…she KNEW I would see her in there! I bet she loved that! I wouldn’t be surprised if she had told this girl ON PURPOSE to go in Lee’s room just to get me wound up?!!) Nothing more said, she apologised, Lee being nice and easy going accepted it, they all get along great etc etc which left ME. That unreasonable, jealous cow. Oh yeh and she went back into the room cos she had left something in there…glasses or something, and Lee had told her to go in any time and get them. Why did she reject my calls? He said she had done it because Annabelle had told her not to wake me up cos she had found out that they had the morning off at Uni due to a lecturer being off sick. Hmmm.

So Casey is the turd.

Then he told me some ‘home truths ‘. His very words. I don’t really want to write them here as it upsets me to think about it. The fact that Lee thinks I am a self absorbed, unreasonable….oh well you get the message here. Needless to say he wasn’t too impressed by the undeniable fact that I couldn’t even be arsed to call him and listen to his side of the story. He was amazed and lost for words that I had left it this long. And ‘If this is how you behave when we have a disagreement or decide that I am cheating with no real proof then our relationship isn’t as great as I thought.’

That chestnut fucking hurt.

So I called. Awkward? Yep. Time for me to grovel? Yep. Was he the same Lee that I have known for 10 months? NO. But then again I hadn’t been the Casey he had known for 10 months either.

I apologised. I must love him cos I NEVER apologise.

So anyways we are ok now. He upset me a bit when he said that maybe we ought to switch off Skype when we are not in but no cos it’s really ace just looking at his unmade bed when he’s not there. Or looking to see what has moved since I was at college and he has gone back home and got ready for work… like his uni bag is on the bed and his art folders propped up against his desk. Cds that he has listened to. You know…stuff like that. This thing really scared me though. I have GOT to get a fucking grip on my anger. As he says to me all the time, ‘Look at the situation from all angles before you go accusing and shouting at people.’

The other situation this week. D’s girlfriend has gone apeshit at some text messages she found on his phone FROM ME. She visited him last week all the way from Serres in Greece and he said they were having an ace time until then. They have got the same phones and she picked his up by accident and saw an unopened message from me. Not knowing who I was, or not remembering (I am sure D has told her about me) she opened it. Now all I had put was ‘Hey, let me know when you’re on Skype tonight cos I miss your face’ and she went proper mental. Sounds a bit like me eh?

What I meant was that he always pulls this fucked up face at me when I mis-pronounce Greek words he is teaching me. It cracks me up. So you see, it could be construed as being flirty when it wasn’t meant to be AT ALL. Anyhow, he texted me and said that she was very unhappy about loads of stuff and they needed time to talk before she went back to Greece. It had all come to the surface apparently cos when he called me a few days later he said that it was all over. She had come to tell him she wanted to end it as she was tired of never seeing him and when they had chances to see each other in Greece, he was with his mates. He told me that yes, when he thought about it, it was true. He wasn’t really that committed to her so they decided she should go back the day after and they will remain friends but nothing more. He said the text message wasn’t really the reason they broke up, it was the catalyst. Poor D. He seems ok though. But you never know with him cos he hides his feelings. He is a very reserved guy and never seems to get emotional. Unlike Lee who wears his heart on his sleeve. They are different in that way. D is more like me. I guess it’s like, Lee is who I WANT to be like and D is who I AM like. Does that make sense?

I am really lucky to have two such great guys in my life, that’s for sure.

Oh must go. I am due for some Skyping. Lee is in his room!

Listening to this (A LOT!)

Jealous much? Hell yeh. :(

Last night.

I had just Skyped with D and then got a huge urge to see if Lee was back yet. Saturday night he usually works til at least 1am but it was about that time so I swapped screen. I was shocked to see a girl in his room. I managed to take a shot of her. Here she is. Who the HELL is she? And WHY is she in Lee’s room at 1am and he’s NOT?