Depressed…or just bored?

February 3, 2013

Ok so my last few posts have been morbid. I don’t want this one to be the same~ moaning, missing Lee, bored with life. The thing is I want to write amazing, interesting blogs, but when I get to the weekend and look back on the week I realise there’s nothing interesting to write! 

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I know I’m not a normal teenager. Last night, Saturday night, what did I do? I took Chester for a very long walk in the woods, got very wet, came back, washed him down, went upstairs, sat on my bed for ages staring outside at the tree tops listening to Veronica Falls, watched a documentary on YouTube about parallel universes, texted Lee (many many times), went downstairs and stole a glass of wine from the kitchen (M&D had dinner guests) watched some more stuff about Paranormal Investigations, watched American Horror Story (must blog about that at some point. Violet is ME. Her dad’s a Doctor, she’s an only child, grungy, moody, likes Morrissey, hangs out with ghosts in an old mansion house…) and then waited to skype Lee. Then remembered it was Saturday night and we don’t skype on Saturday night. Why? Well because he goes out with his art student buddies…..’nuff fucking said about that…another reason I hate Saturday nights…

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Violet

Called him. He didn’t answer.

Waited for the attic room to consume me in my jealousy and longing.

It didn’t. Unfortunately.

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I tried to write something here but I couldn’t even manage one single line.

I tried to write a list of things I love to cheer myself up. Here’s what I came up with:

  • Chester and our walks in the woods.
  • Skyping (with Lee and Stella)
  • Reading strange books. Eg Neil Gaiman, Clive Barker, Stephen King…
  • Watching documentaries about ghosts, parallel universes (a new interest of mine), social issues, asylums, criminals etc
  • Drawing and painting (subjects including above themes)
  • Listening to music. (Band names too many to mention)
  • Surfing the web to find ideas for clothes/outfits and upcycling
  • Going to charity shops and buying things…ie clothes that are made from amazing fabric to cut up for upcycling. (If I find a style that I like, for eg a blouse, I cut it up carefully along the seams and lay it out as pieces. Then I make patterns in the fabric I want that match exactly then sew them all together to make a new blouse. Get it? I might have to post a demo to show everyone.)

Things I want to do: (Not including all the ‘things’ I want to do with Lee!)

  • learn Greek. I am half Greek and my dad says he will teach me.
  • Go to Salonika. That’s where Dad is from and my grandparents that I don’t know live there. I will be able to talk to them if I learn Greek. (Kalimera is good morning. I remember cos my mum said ‘Kalamari’ instead which is squid!)
  • Have a bunch of 3 or 4 really good friends that come round and sit in my attic room, drinking wine and talking.
  • Join an URBEX group. (Urban Exploration~exploring abandoned buildings)
  • Do proper Paranormal Investigations (starting in my bathroom hahaha!)
  • Have the inspiration to paint more.
  • Learn to play violin (M&D have already said hell no!)

Ok so now I need to figure out how to inject some enthusiasm into my Sunday.

 

 

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“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

Neil Gaiman