Oh no. Jeezuz. It’s so long ago since I wrote and a lot has happened. Stuff with Lee, Christmas, Grandparents,  Parents and all that. I think I will only be able to write if  I just talk about the main events. Well, the main event has been/is that I have hardly seen Lee at all due to Grandparents being here and also for the fact that I tried to ‘abscond’ and meet him during the night but I was found out. And grounded. How fucking humiliating.

So. Let’s go back a few days.

After the morning of Sunday’s happy but ‘beginning of a hideous chain of events’ day, I managed to persuade M&D to let Lee come round and we had to sit in the frickin living room and watch TV with them keep coming in and out to check up on us. It was awful. Lee had been texting me all day, saying that he was really sorry about falling asleep and that I should totally play innocent to my M&D and act sorry. He reckons that if I rebelled and kicked off, (as I usually do) then they may stop us seeing each other all together. I guess he’s right. Once again, Lee licks me into shape and stops me fucking everything up even more. Thank God he’s sensible.

We didn’t get to talk about the sleeping together episode. Not that evening anyway. He stood up at 11pm and said he had to go. Noone else was in the room for a few seconds and he kissed me on the cheek and squeezed my hand. Then again, he does that anyway so it wasn’t exactly a revelation. I went to bed that night so frustrated I wanted to really kick off at someone. Namely Mum. We texted each other late into the night, I just couldn’t sleep and neither could he. I told him I was really glad I had woken up with his arm round me and he said he had felt really happy too. I plucked up courage to ask him by text what it meant (it’s so much easier for me than asking him to his face or even on the phone. I don’t trust my voice, my eyes or my body language). He replied with this. I’ve saved it on my phone:

‘I feel that we are in a strange situation. I love you as a best bud but I feel something else for you that I haven’t sussed out yet. I don’t want to start anything with you until it’s clearer in our heads and this has all blown over with our parents. Agreed?’

Fuck! So he does feel something! I knew it!

I have been staring at that message since Sunday night.

I have tried to ask him more but he keeps asking me to leave the subject be for a while. I don’t want to piss him off so I will have to do as he asks. I know now that we’re more than friends. Progress!!!

So yes. The next day was Chrimbo Eve. My Grandparents turned up at about 12am so I didn’t get to see Lee at all. I had only been awake 10 minutes when Mum called up and demanded I go down and say hi to them. It was really nice to see them and I particularly get on with Grandpa Albie and we had some fab chats during the day. He loved my blue hair! Grandpa rocks! Mum told me that he used to be in a heavy metal band when he was younger so that’s why we gel so much I guess. Gran said that he was a rebel and used to throw stuff at her bedroom window so she would come down and see him. That was when they were teens. Cool. (It kinda gave me the courage to do what I did later on that evening, but more on that later. )


My G Pa

The day went by uneventfully. I kept my phone on silent in the living room so no one would know I was texting Lee continuously. His Aunt, Uncle and loads of cousins were at his house so he was in the same hole of hell. Well, not exactly cos he loves being with them all. He wasn’t answering my messages as promptly as usual so I gathered he was having a good time playing with his little cousins. It’s really sweet actually!

Gran kept asking me about boys and college but I only told her the basics. College is ok. I don’t love it or hate it. I tolerate it because I want my A Levels so i can go to Uni, find my freedom and get out of here and start my own life. She assumes I hang out with boys there but I don’t and she didn’t believe me when I told her that. She kept asking the same bloody questions again and again like she’s got Dimensia. I know she hasn’t, she was just trying to catch me out. By dinner time I was well and truly fucked off and bored so I excused myself and went upstairs to call Lee. He didn’t answer the first few times but then he did and we talked for ages. He said he missed me.

I had an idea. I used to climb down the tree that has branches under my south facing window in the attic. It’s really frickin high but I got to know each and every limb and fork during the summer and managed to climb up and down without doing myself a permanent injury. I asked Lee if he could get out at midnight and he said yes, after being a bit hesitant in the beginning. He said it wasn’t cos he didn’t want to but cos if I got caught it could mean us being in the shit big time. I managed to persuade him, as I usually do, and we arranged to meet in the woodland clearing that has been ‘our’ place ever since we became friends. I was sooooo excited!

So I went to ‘bed’ early that night. I waited until all the house lights were off and there was no noises at all from people moving about in the house. I wrapped up in warm clothes and opened the window. I couldn’t take a torch because the beam might have shone through M&D’s or Grandparent’s room. It was freezing and drizzling and my hood was up so I couldn’t really see what I was doing. I took my time, trying not to slip as the trunk was wet. I managed to get to the bottom in one piece and was just about to leg it across the garden and through the bottom gates when Chester started to bark. I had forgotten about that. I went over and tried to calm him down but of course he could smell me and went berserk! The next thing I knew, the kitchen door was open and Dad was tramping outside with his dressing gown on, shouting, ‘Who’s there? Casey? Casey! Is that you? What the hell are you playing at?’

I stood there like a numpty and waited for the bollocking that I knew was sure to come. Dad was so pissed off. What was I doing outside in the pouring rain, (that I hadn’t noticed) and why would I come outside in the middle of the night? (Slight exaggeration! It was 12:22am).

Needless to say, I was in deep shit. My parents go way over the top with shit like this, as if I’ve knocked someone off with a shovel and I’ve been foiled digging them a shallow grave in the middle of Mum’s flower beds. Jezus. Disaster. Dad growled at me to get back upstairs to bed and that I would not be going anywhere for ‘a very long time’ . Fuck.

I had to text Lee and tell him what had happened. He was gutted. He said that we should have known something would go wrong. I didn’t know what to say to him after that, he was quiet and kept sighing. I dried off, went to bed and lay there, not being able to believe what was happening. I had waited so long to see him and he only lived 10 minutes walk away but it seemed like we were on different planets.


this is what I felt like

Christmas Day was bleak. I tried to show happiness at my presents but it was all fake. What’s the use of presents when you feel so shit inside? Again, I was texting Lee all day but he only answered a few times, saying he was really busy helping his Mum with food and entertaining his cousins. It was a crap day. I ate too many Mince Pies and felt sick. I managed to sneak quite a lot of wine out of the kitchen when they weren’t looking so that kinda numbed the pain a bit and gave the day a slightly surreal tone. I often do that but never in front of them. Dad keeps lots of wine in the cellar and sometimes forgets to lock it. Oh what a pity. I end up smashed out of my skull upstairs in my room. I’ve only puked up once though. Chrimbo day I was quite out of it but managed to hide it well cos no one said anything.


So then it was Boxing Day. I got up really late because mainly I had a hangover and also I couldn’t stand the thought of going down early and having to listen to Gran asking Mum about my non existent boyfriend AGAIN. I am sure Mum had told her about Lee because she was giving me weird looks during lunch. Things were a bit strained. Mum had a word with me in the kitchen when they were all watching TV. She said that she knew I had been sneaking out to see Lee, that neither her nor Dad were born yesterday, and that I had better tread carefully or else. OR ELSE WHAT?

I managed to stick it out til about 3pm and then excused myself and went upstairs. I couldn’t cope any more. I stayed there til about 8pm when I took Chester out for a walk. Mum eyed me with suspicion and had to tell her four times that I wasn’t going to Lee’s. I can’t BELIEVE that I can’t even take Chester for a fucking walk with Lee now. They never questioned us before so why now? Just because we fell asleep in my room! I guess I didn’t help matters by sneaking out the window though. I was so desperate though, I wasn’t thinking straight. I should have listened to Lee when he said it was a bad idea…….

So today. Spent it with the family yet again. Got a bit wasted again on red wine. Pretended to fall asleep on the sofa. I actually might have done. Lee has texted me quite a lot saying he misses me and wants to see me. The feeling is sooooo mutual. We’ve just had an early meal cos G&G are leaving in about an hour. M&D said we will be having a ‘chat’ about the situation after they have left so I am waiting for the onslaught. Lee keeps texting the word calm and putting hearts on the end of the messages. I am going quickly fucking insane…



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