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August 16, 2015

Ok. So I fancied Richard like mad. He was (is!) a lot like Lee in many ways, that kind, sensitive type….not like Simon, yes, Simon who I live with. (But that’s another story and one that Lee doesn’t know about and never will as long as I live and breathe. The only other person who knows is Simon. Maybe I’ll write about that in another post, if i can bring myself to write the words. I’m a bad-ass girlfriend, rubbish and fickle. That’s probably why Simon likes me so much. TMI). We got upstairs and he still had hold of my hand. His sculptor’s fingers were woven around mine and felt cool, yet strong and confident. My knees were about to give way. I asked him whose room it was as we entered that same room and I noticed it smelt of stale beer and sweaty socks. he said it was his mate Tindel’s room, the smelly bastard, and he was at his Mum’s for the weekend. Ok then, I thought….that makes it ok?

He started pressing buttons on the IPOD dock and some indie warble droned around the room. Wadsey kicked his Docs off and sat on the bed, smiling again. Neither of us knew what to say for ages. I didn’t know whether I was reading the situation totally wrongly and he just intended to go to sleep, or whether he assumed we would have sex. After all this was Uni, this was a predominantly art student corridor of the Rez. it’s what they DO. I gingerly sat on the bed, the edge, not touching him, but I knew that if he made a move I would have no choice but to go through with it. His eyes were all sparkly despite the fact it was nearly daylight and we’d been up all night, and his lips were turned up at the corners teasingly. I wanted to kiss him, so very very badly.

Then suddenly, without warning he just came right out with it. ‘I like you a lot Casey but I know you’re living with your boyfriend. I don’t know where I stand.Help?’

I laughed. He didn’t

‘Did you leave your keys on purpose? Come on just be honest with me, I can take it.’

What did I say? I said this:

‘No.’

Silence for ages. He was leaning on one arm, his plaid shirt undone and a dark brown t-shirt with ‘Wishbone Ash’ written across it showing. Some obscure band t-shirt that I would dearly have loved to remove. I really was lost for words. He seemed like a nice guy and genuinely didn’t want to be a drunken one-night-stand to a girl who was living with her boyfriend. I decided I couldn’t look at him anymore because I really wanted to kiss him now that the realisation that I wasn’t allowed to had dawned on me. I lay down and soon his face appeared next to mine. This guy sure knew how to tempt me. Didn’t he know? Are guys so stupid that they automatically think they are ‘not attractive’ to us girls? The same as Lee, always brushing off compliments when I try and tell him how many girls gawp at him when they walk past him. I was lucky (am lucky) so why did I want it so badly with someone else? Why had I wanted (and still want) Simon?

Then, his face was coming closer and I could smell the feint and not unpleasant aroma of cider on his breath, He was still smiling as his lips touched mine. They were sooooooo soft and cool. At first, I felt numb, like I was just dreaming it, but gradually a warm feeling spread itself over my neck and face and I sunk in to his kiss, feeling his tongue touch mine. Then he pulled away.

I opened my eyes. The sun was up. The curtains were still open and the trees outside the window tickled the glass as if to say, take the bloody chance, stand up and get a grip, girl. His face was questioning as if he was waiting for a sign to carry on. Oh how I wanted to. His plaid shirt was pressing against my vest top that had the chaos symbol tie dyed into it. He was so close to me that I felt like I was melting. He hadn’t touched me at all, almost as if that would have been the last barrier. I moved away.

‘Sleep then?’ he said, making it into a question but knowing full well the answer. He wasn’t smiling as I closed my eyes. I must have fallen asleep as soon as, my lips still tingling and a feeling in my throat like a hedgehog had crawled in there and died.

I slept until about 8. Wadesy woke me up as he scrambled off the bed. I watched him for a few minutes, dreading how I’d feel when I lifted my head off the pillow, a raging hangover already pressing my temples. He didn’t look at me as he left the room and I closed my eyes hoping to forget about this and just go back to sleep. Maybe Fern would come in and find me and we’d go back to hers together and I’d sleep on the sofa, trying to forget how his lips had made me feel.

He came back in but I kept my eyes shut. I heard a glass being put down and my throat constricted as I gagged for water. I opened one eyes and saw a marvelous sight…a tall pint glass of iced water. ‘It’s for you’ he said as he stamped his foot into his Doc. Then he said he had to go and get Pikey up for training, but he had this for me. I looked down and his number was written on a piece of roll-up tobacco paper. His number? I stared at it, not understanding anything. I had lead him on, kissed him and rejected him, fallen asleep and he still liked me?

Then he said he’d told Fern I was there and she said to wake her up in a few hours. ‘Go back to sleep’ he said….

I heard myself say sorry and he approached the bed, leaned down and kissed me on the cheek. The bitch that I am tried to turn my cheek so he’d kiss my lips, but it didn’t work. he wasn’t fucking stupid. He was a nice guy. I’m the one who’s messed up.

He left and I did fall asleep. I was woken up by my phone ringing and Lee’s name lit up in bright neon, blinding letters. As I murmured Good mornings, I told my first lie to Lee. EVER. I told him I was at Fern’s on the sofa. He laughed and said he’d missed me but was glad I’d had a good time. Lee’s trust ran out though, a few months after that day. Just to say, the lie about where I slept that night wasn’t the end of the lies I told to my trusting boyfriend. At least two more lies involved Wadesy and the lies that concerned Simon? I’ve lost count. He found out about the two lies and Wadesy. That’s when all the problems started, the shit hit multiple fans. That’s why we decided to leave the Feral house and come back here to our roots; to where we first began. I guess we both hoped it would give us the chance to get away from everything and clear our heads together, get away from the others, from Fern and from Wadesy. I needed away from Simon as well, that is more important right now than to be far away from Richard, but of course Lee doesn’t know that. Wadesy is nice, he understands what we have is what it is, just a flirt and a few kisses when we get drunk. he doesn’t pressure me to break up with Lee. Not like Simon. Simon is intense. He won’t stop. The glaring at meal times, the laser eyes cutting Lee and I apart when we cuddle up on the sofa watching DVDs on a Saturday night. He won’t leave it until I tell Lee and I leave him.

Then there’s Chloe. I always knew she was in love with Lee, but of course he never believed me. She had one glass of wine too many one night (Chloe doesn’t drink much, just like Lee) and she started saying weird shit to us, aiming some really harsh words at me, like ‘You don’t love him, you’re just using him to stay here in London…I’ve seen the way you flirt with all the boys, tempting them and giving it all with fake promises……’ Lee told her to stop, but she carried on and Annabitch (who, incidently isn’t a bitch at all it turns out), took her upstairs and tried to put her to bed. Anna told me that she is deeply in love with Lee and finds it torturous to live with us two, next to us and listen to us ‘faire l’amour passionne’ (whatever that means…I can guess), and wanted to swap rooms with Anna downstairs. Well, Anna had words with lee and he was mortified that she felt that way and he never knew….he said ‘mortified’ but I think it was more shocked that I was right…and that someone as beautiful and clever and talented and graceful could feel that way about him. …(you get the message about how he feels about her, like she’s a Goddess…he always spoke of her like his sister and how he would protect her with his life if he had to, they were soul mates and had a deep spiritual connection….blah blah yarda yarp…).

Something shifted after that night. Their friendship changed. I caught him staring at her one evening while we were watching films, his arms were limp around me as if he couldn’t be arsed, as if he wanted to be somewhere else. She had her face buried in a cushion most of the time, being petrified of anything remotely scary (I think we were watching ‘The Shining’), so she didn’t notice, or if she did, made a great pretence of ignoring his gaze. All this happened just when Lee found out about my lie, the one where I said I was with Fern when in fact I was with Wadesy. He found out because again, I had left my door keys on the marble-top table in the hallway….he tried to call me but I didn’t pick up (of course, I was with Wadsey) and instead of just staying in and waiting for me to come back and letting me in, he decided he wanted to go to Camden Market with Si. Of course, bloody Camden isn’t far from Fern’s and so Lee being Lee decided to drop the keys round at hers. She answered the door and didn’t know where I was because I hadn’t even been there. I had met Wadesy at Regent’s Park, our favourite place to meet to innocently bask in the sun reading books, talking about life and occasionally stealing illicit snogs on his tartan blanket.

Oh dear.

Fern called me and I raced to hers, but Lee, she said, had gone. He looked totally knocked out like she had punched him in his gut several times. She wasn’t impressed when I admitted what I’d done and suddenly she was sticking up for Lee, even though she had known her housemate and I were more than friends. Lee is like that. Women just immediately love him.

I love him. I really do. But truth be told, I’m bored. I want some adventure. I want passion. I want LIFE.

Why can’t I have Lee, snog Richard Wadesy and sleep with Simon? Who set the rules, (impossible to keep) about serial monogamy? WHO? As Simon says, no-one did. So why are we following it? Or more to the point, why does Lee think it’s so important to follow it? Richard and Simon don’t seem to care (except Simon does when he sees Lee and I together) so why does Lee? Because he loves me, says Fern. And she also said that if I really loved Lee I wouldn’t want anyone else, regardless of how gorgeous (Wadesy) or darkly attractive (Simon) they are.

But then am I not a complete hypocrite now as i clutch my phone (white knuckles and sweaty palms) in one hand and tap in the other…(it’s taking me ages to write with one hand here) . I texted Lee about hour ago and he hasn’t yet replied. The last text I got said he had arrived and Chloe was cooking. They’d better not be alone in the house! Saying that, I hope Simon’s not there. What if he goes and tells Lee about us? In his jealousy that he insists he doesn’t feel? And why am I so bothered? Because I am fucking jealous that’s why. I am a messed up. sad, lost, loved-up twisted shitbitch who can’t decide what she wants. Lee in the feral house with Chloe. Karma’s a bitch.


					

I’ll get straight to it, cyber friends.

1. I’m grounded. I pointed out to Dad that IT MAKES NO DIFFERENCE I feel like a prisoner here anyway.

2. Lisa went to LONDON. Yes, LONDON, the same city as Lee..and not only that but the same ROOM as Lee! More on that tragedy later. If I haven’t thrown myself out of my attic window before I get to the end of this rantblog.

3. Dad won’t let me have driving lessons. Because according to his warped sense of good parenting, being grounded includes not going out in a car. Fuck off!

4. My loving parents are threatening to make me move into one of the spare rooms. Hideous much? Bare this in mind: my attic room spans most of the length of the house. BIG. The guest room in question can fit a single bed in it and one chest of drawers. NO.

5. College sucks. I cannot even begin to explain how much it is sucking right now.

On Wednesdays evening Chester got out of the garden and started a bid for freedom down the lane towards the surgery. He has done this before but that was in the day and I found him after about a half hour. But at night there are no lights around which is bloody chuffing cool normally as it makes the whole area spooktastic, but for losing dogs…not cool.

So I leg it out the front door and trip over some random stupid ass box or rock or something and go flying arse over tit onto the driveway where Dad is pulling in. I am literally sprawled everywhere like I am doing angels in the gravel, and my bag has nose dived, opened up (that’s probably due to the fact I never zip the bastard thing up) and things have splayed out in his path. One of those items HAPPENED to be my tobacco. My trusty stash of Amber leaf. Yes, the rolling delight that I hardly ever smoke. Needless to say Dad picks it up and demands I find Chester and then get my self in the house for a ‘talk’. By talk, he always means ‘I will shout at you and not let you open your mouth in response, not even to defend yourself against my gross injustices, because I am older than you therefore assume that I am right at all times.’

I was almost crying with rampant rage fever while looking for Chester and I reckon he must have sensed I was hovering on the edge of despair, stumbling amongst the twigs and shrubbery, calling his name like a Banshee. He turned up quickly and I took him through the front door and upstairs to my room, stiffly perching on the end of my bed thinking what to do to calm down. I usually would have rolled a ciggie and smoked it through the bathroom window, but obviously Dad had got the fucking packet and I couldn’t remember if I had another stash in my room somewhere.

So I just went downstairs and faced the music. Yes, I got shouted at and no, I didn’t get to explain that I smoke probably one cig a day, maybe a few more if I get really stressed at college. I never smoke in the evenings because I am Skyping with Lee while doing my coursework, right, and he HATES the fact that I smoke and thinks I gave up. I have one before I sleep out the open bathroom window. Big wow, let’s hear it for the chainer!

So he grounded me. To be honest I retorted back with the fact that I already feel like I am grounded anyways, but he didn’t give a monkey’s fart as usual. It’s ok, let’s leave my (nearly) 18 year old daughter to rot up in the attic. That’s child (nearly adult) abuse…surely?

Of course the shit hit the fan on Friday night when Lisa texted me, telling me that her (cool as fuck) Mum had allowed her to go to LONDON for the weekend to see Joel. I called her immediately to get the facts of this smash to the gut, and yes, it was all arranged. She could go on the condition that she sleep in Lee’s room and lee would be keeping his eye on her. I think I hung up on her because I was just like, WHATTHEACTUALFUCKISGOINGON!!!???

and I called Lee. He was weird about it, and so he should have been, I mean what a fucker for him as well! What could he say? He asked me if I would come, well he BEGGED me to seeing as Joel was coming all the way to Lincolnshire to pick Lisa up, I had to come too….he didn’t care if we were all sleeping in his room together, he wanted to see me. BUT I WAS GROUNDED! And I couldn’t tell him why else he would have gone apeshit. But I hate lying to lee..I just had to say I was grounded and I said that I had fucked something up at the surgery and I think he believed me. He was sooooooooo gutted and even offered to talk to my Dad to try and redeem the situation just this once. But I couldn’t let him could I? Dad would have told him the real fucking reason!

So I did something hateful. I told Lee I would give him Dad’s mobile number by text so he could talk to him. This was at about 5pm and Joel was due to arrive at 5:30pm. I knew that Lee was going to work soon and probs wouldn’t be able to call me about the missing text message so I just DIDNT text him it. Lisa kept calling and texted me about a million times saying to pack my bag and just COME, but I was too distraught to even talk to her. I vowed I would never talk to her again at that point.

5:30pm. I was just sitting on my bed staring into space. I had about 10 missed calls from Lee and texts asking me to send the number quick cos Joel would be there soon….and then ones like, ‘what the fuck are you doing?’ and ‘Case, where are you, answer your phone,’ etc etc

The final text from Lisa. ‘Joel’s here and we’re about to go. Please Casey, come! My bro is desperate to see you!’

No response.

I sat there for a long, long, agonising time. I hadn’t dare look at Skype, in fact I had draped a scarf over the screen and muted it so I couldn’t hear Lee’s pleading voice.

I think it was around 10pm when Lee called me, on his break. This time I answered. he wasn’t pissed off, just really really upset with me. Lee doesn’t DO angry. Sometimes I wish he would cos Lee upset is worse. I told him that Dad wasn’t speaking to me and I thought he might shout at him if he called. Lee was all like, Case, I maybe could’ve talked him down a bit, me and him get along well…

Yes, but Dad thinks we’re just mates. Why would he think Lee was being so eager to get me to London? He would have smelled shit shining and I would then have got the third degree about my relationship with Lee.

I hate my life.

So I had to put up with watching Lisa in lee’s room waving and being nice, like Lisa is. Just be a goth! Stop being so sweet! She annoys the fuck out of me. I haven’t been able to Skype with Lee properly or fall asleep with him, cos Lisa has been there. Granted she did SLEEP in Lee’s room, but I can tell you, she spent most of the nights with Joel. I saw the door creaking open at 4am on Friday night and 5am last night. I was so jealous of her there, I wanted to hurl at the screen. Lee has been weird with me as well…as bit distant. I guess he is thinking why we have to hide everything from my parents after all this time when Lisa n Joel have been together a few months and she’s there. Why does he put up with me?

I have just Skyped with Lee but he said he was tired and has fallen asleep already. And I’ve got to go to twatting college tomorrow. Oh the joys. Why can’t being grounded include not having to go to college? Fucking double standards! No wonder I don’t want kids when I grow up. It’s all bullshit…parents just play around with their heads and cut all their puppet strings whenever they feel like it and think that knotting them back together afterwards will make them ok again.

I will never be ok.

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What’s up now!

November 10, 2013

Right then, I am determined to be positive all the way through this post. If I lie then I lie. Fuck it. (But I may have to put a bunch of foot notes at the end and admit some true shit!)

Ok so let’s start with my favourite subject, lee. Yeh so he finally backed down and created a Facebook page. I mean hell, is it THAT difficult?? Apparently so. I know I don’t spend much time on it either but it’s really nice to post stuff to each other, right? Well, yeh. It was cool to begin with but it’s kinda started to wear off. The novelty I mean. We Skype every day so what’s Facebook? That was his original argument and I contested it and now I hate to say I agree with him! Oh well. Anyone want to help me by making Facebook more interesting? Befriend me?

https://www.facebook.com/casey.papadaki

At least I badgered him into posting up a nice recent photo of himself. Wtf is his problem with his face? It’s THE most gorgeous face ON the Earth’s surface! What do you guys reck?

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I caught him by surprise the day he left after half term. We were standing near the trees and the sun was peeking through the bare branches, illuminating him a bit. I had to lighten it a bit but it’s a good representation of Mr Chapman my lover!

I am pissed off this weekend (being positive has already become tedious!) because all his housemates are away and he’s there all on his own. We could set that place alight all alone this weekend! I’m glad Annabitch has gone. Apparently she is going through some counselling and has been cutting her arms. I feel bad for her (I suppose although not a LOT) cos her parents don’t give a shit, she’s only got this man-friend to fall back on (well, apart from Lee and she does that ALL the time) who beats up on her a lot. lee refuses to have him in their house so she goes off every so often to see him. Lee’s not happy about it and I know he loses sleep over her, but what can he do? He’s got his own family crap going on,even though his dad has started sending some money to his mum and Lisa, at last. Tool.

He’s going to be even busier soon cos he’s starting an Art Therapy course alongside his Fine Art degree. He wants to work with kids eventually which is cool I guess. I wouldn’t do that though, when I get my degree in Art I want to use it for something else like design. More money! lee isn’t like me in that. He reckons that money isn’t everything and we should use our talents to help other people. Ok,yeh. But I want to help myself have a good life as well!

Yep, I’m a selfish bitch! (That’s why me and Lee are great together. He’s the humanitarian and I’m the money grabber. We will be able to do great things hahaha! )

Dimitris is like me in that way. I’ve mentioned before how he and I are similar and we get on because of that, but sometimes hate each other as well! We went a week without Skyping or calling each other over half term because of one little comment I made and he took it all wrong. He is fiery and a bit judgemental like me (apparently, according to lee, very judgemental), and once he gets pissed off he can’t get through that feeling easily and so will retreat. I do the same and it drives Lee crazy as he just wants to talk everything out. I can’t and he gets pissed. I need time to heal Casey and then I come back and I can take the critique better. What’s up with that? Thing is lee takes offence, being hyper sensitive, and takes it all personally, whereas when me and Dimitri fight, we come back a few days later and laugh about it. Most of the time.

Yeh, so what about him? Well. He’s currently single AGAIN. He keeps saying that every time he gets with a new girl, he’s fine for a few weeks then he starts comparing her to me and subsequently dumps her. What can I say? I keep telling him how I feel, and it’s the truth. If I wasn’t with lee I would’ve been on the first train to Manchester months ago. We flirt a little, but I try not to let it go too far. he’s very gorgeous and attractive. We get on really well because we are so similar, but I am in love with Lee. Sometimes I DO think I might be in love with both of them, but I don’t think that’s possible.

Is it?

College is still SHIT. I refuse to discuss it on this Blog because it already permeates too much of my time as it is. I always have a rant about it to Lee anyway so no more about the boredom and doom that IS my crushingly dull 6th Form. Yuuk.

Musically I listen to my favourites on a regular basis, namely when I fall asleep; Nirvana, Paramore, Panic! At the disco, Pearl jam/Eddie vedder.

Other much-listened to-lately are Flyleaf, Slint, Yellowcard and Sick puppies. Here’s a particularly fucking awesome video and track I love:

and on finding this I have also found some full albums such as these: I have just discovered Hurt. Fucking screaming.

Anyways I digress!

Talking of Youtube, I have been watching some awesome Vlogs and stuff by a girl called Sarah Hawkinson, who has her own Youtube Channel. I like her game cos she’s a vegetarian, she loves Rock/Metal music, horror films and also has a pretty cool style. At the moment she’s got a particularly fetching shade of purple hair. Check her out here:

Lee is off to work now. 6 weeks til I see him at Christmas, although he MIGHT get back here sooner if he doesn’t need to work. Same old as far as the finances go cos he needs money now for this Art Therapy Module….. 

Oh yeh the gossip about Lisa and Joel! We had a great time and it ends up that those two are now an item but Lee’s Mum DOESNT know about it. Lisa thinks that she’ll freak, but Lee is all about the honesty again (oh man give it a break!) and keeps getting at Lisa to tell her. Saying that though, she has been on the phone to me most evenings going on about it in that she’s never gonna see him. Welcome to my World!!!! I do actually quite like her, but I feel a bit dubious about her newly found good style of being mildly goth and starting to listen to decent tunes. I know..I KNOW I shouldn’t judge and be shallow about appearances, but you can’t go from dancing around your living room to Lady Gaga and Britney ‘Speared’ to suddenly listening to Metallica! Morally WRONG! I will see…we talk a lot lately so I am giving her a chance. Lee would be stoked up if we got to be genuine friends. 

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I’m off to get food. Maybe back later but have got MOUNDS of work to get through later……………..oh and I MUST post those ghost pics I took with my Aunt! 

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First off. ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Why is my head still shoved full of wet cotton wool? My limbs feel like they have been sawn off and sewn back on by a clumsy drunken elf on acid.

I only just got up and had something to eat. Lazy biaaatch!

So. I spoke to a destroyed Lee last night. Divorce proceedings have now begun between his M&D. How can two people who created another human being as sweet, kind, considerate and loving as Lee, be at each other’s throats? I could understand if it was MY parents. I mean they have a devil spawn for a daughter mwahhhhhhhh aaaaaaaaaaaaarhhaaa! But no, seriously. It’s horrible. Lee is gutted and doesn’t know where his loyalties lie; with his Mum who didn’t want the divorce, or his Dad who instigated all of this but went through a nasty time being unemployed and getting into debt to provide for his family. I said that both of them need him and deserve his attention. I think he his angriest with his Dad though for moving out and not giving his Mum a chance.

I don’t want to get married EVER. Not even to Lee. I will have his love child and we will live in sin.

We had a slight argument because I was irritated and tired and so was he and I didn’t realise I was hassling him about when I was going to see his face again and it better be soon etc etc. He was like, PLEASE Case, give me a chance to work my last shifts and save some money to get back…and sort out my halls room and and and……..don’t keep going on….

Oh Ok.

Fuck.

He then fell asleep with his head facing the wrong way and his feet on the pillow. I could see the top of his head all night. He didn’t stir at all. Knackered out. We exchanged apologies this morning and he went out somewhere to try and sort out the end of that community project he is still doing with Annabelle. He didn’t have exams as such, just continual assessments and critiques, so he should officially have completed his course once this project is wrapped up. Better hurry the fuck up cos I miss you!

I hope bitch face doesn’t want to come here for summer.

So I am here, in my attic AS USUAL. Chester is on my bed and all I can see are HUGE piles of dirty clothes screwed up and flung all over the floor. Scraps of paper and paint and all kinds of crap from my Art prep for the 10 hour exam still littered all over my art desk and the floor underneath. Bollocks. I suppose that’s my next job! Mum is going to FREAK out when she sees all the washing.

She told me the other day that she will not take any responsibility this summer for the state of my room or my unwashed clothes, ironing or meals! WTF? Dad says I am spoiled and need to start looking after myself because Mum is not a skivvy. Oh yeh? So why doesn’t HE cook then? Why does she do EVERYTHING for him? Hypocritical as shit. Male shauvenist fucking pig attitude! Mum is so lame, she gets on my tits. Running around after Dad all day. Can’t she stand up to him? Get a fucking job so she doesn’t have to be at home all the time? HOW DULL!

Anyhow, I digress.

I need to know when D is going back to Thessaloniki for summer. I will be spitting!  His uni stopped a week or more ago but he is still hanging around. I think he’s waiting for his Dad to send him the flight money or summats.

What do I need to fucking do?

1. Tidy up.

2. Dye my pale blue hair. Although it looks ok somehow…

3. Get some summer clothes on the go…need to get into town and raid the charity shops.

4. Decide what I’m gonna do this summer. That depends on Mr Chapman!

5. Do some art work

6. Collaborate with my Aunt about the next spooktastic story about me and Lee!

7. Arrange for Stella to come here…I am NOT going there because a). I would not see Lee and b). She will always be with….him. (Dan? Chris? Can’t remember).

oh! Lee is back! Hahahaha he’s smiling! Best get this posted……….

 

 

I totally agree with you, Wallflower! I think we should do an ‘alternative style and muse icon’ post together!

Valentine’s Day Bollocks

February 14, 2013

Although me and Lee agreed not to ‘do’ Valentine’s Day, he has still gone and sent me a silver and black onyx bracelet with a pair of wings opened out. It symbolises my Spirit Guide and my Guardian Angel, who I have always told him that HE is. I love it.

He has also sent me a poem and illustrated it on one of his sketchbook pages. It’s very romantic but then again he sends me sketches and little snippets of poetry regularly.
This is my rant about Valentine’s Day:

1. PEOPLE. YOU SHOULDN’T BE WAITING FOR ONE DAY OUT OF 365 TO TELL YOUR SPECIAL PERSON THAT YOU LOVE THEM!

2. Multi national Corperations make loads of profit out of this day and so many others like Mother’s Day. No. It’s so wrong! Someone decides that we should all celebrate these things and we all just BLINDLY go along with it! Why? Is this Big Brother?

I was made to feel like a crap girlfriend at college because people were asking me what I had given Lee and what he had given me. They don’t realise that we send each other poems, drawings and hand made cards regularly! We don’t wait for February 14th! I turned round and said, ‘Do I ask YOU what you and your boyfriend give each other and how you show love on a day to day basis? No because you would tell me to mind my own!’

It should be PERSONAL and not some hideous commercial crap. I can’t believe that Moonpig are selling

2 cards for the price of one!!!

Why? Why would you want 2?!!!

Jesus.

3. The environment. I bet if we looked at statistics we would see the rate of rainforest being cut down and the volume of waste being put into land fill going up so much more around these ‘special’ days. BAD.

Yes so guys, I DID send Lee some personal sketches and drawings and a message of deep passion and love for today. So there. And I am never going to show anyone anything he has sent me.

Life is strange..

January 22, 2013

It’s really weird how, when you are talking to someone about a random subject, you realise how different people actually are and how diverse their takes on life can be.

I was talking to Kate at college today about my life. I don’t usually do this as I find it hard to verbalise about my personal stuff, (and I don’t give a monkey’s fart about what other people think and I don’t seek approval) but I went out on a limb because I needed to kind of see myself through someone else’s eyes.

I was trying to see what she really thought of my lifestyle as I posted yesterday. I am not like most 17 year old girls. Yes, I like boys, I like clothes, I like make up and I love music but…not the same kind that others seem to. That’s ok. But what about the other stuff like wanting to go out all the time and socialise? What about the need to gas and gossip endlessly about everything? Posting what you had for breakfast on Facebook? Analysing every word that someone said in order to see a cause for a bitch fight? Talking for two hours about what it meant that some guy GLANCED at me? Trying to look slimmer/prettier/more popular than everyone else? These are the things I see all around me and that I can’t muster up any excitement for.

Kate surprised me .

The first thing she said was that I was speaking as though my life was lacking something. I said well it is!

Look at it.

I live in a village No, I can’t even call it that. It’s a  hamlet..it has like, three houses; one of them is my M&D’s and the other is Lee’s. The other is about 15 minutes walk away. Come on. In the summer we moved because Dad wanted to. We were perfectly happy in the city, I had loads of friends, I went out every night and life was fun. The only person who wanted to move was him and he didn’t even bother to ask me what I wanted. I was so fucked up about it this summer that I literally wanted to kill them. I met Lee and that all changed, but REALLY what kind of life is this for a 17 year old? I’m also an only child with no siblings to hang out with. Don’t get me wrong I LOVE the area now with it’s beautiful thick woodland and peace and quiet. I have fallen in love with Nature since I moved here….but I digress. I should be out and about, partying, meeting people, getting off with lots of different boys….finding myself, forming an identity.

Kate said I have already done that without the help of anyone else. She’s jealous of me. Of me? What now?

She says that she wishes she could be happy with what she has got instead of being unhappy cos of all the stuff she hasn’t got. Ok, I get that..the only thing I am missing out on is being with Lee. (That’s major though but I don’t let on too much.) I don’t sit upstairs dreaming about owning or having anything really. I am pretty happy with having Chester (my dog) and Lee and my one or two good mates that I still talk to. To be brutally honest, people get on my fucking nerves most of the time anyway!

She then said that I may not talk much but I exude an air of quiet wisdom! Hahahaha. I had to laugh because I don’t see myself as mature or wise. I say stupid things without thinking, I can’t be patient when I want something, I get pissy when I don’t get my way from M&D, what else…I judge people by how they dress (like I did in the summer) and their appearance..I can’t help it despite nearly losing Lee over it. I am not mature! I am a rebel who doesn’t care what other people think or feel at times.

Then she said I have got guts. Paah! Ok then. Now this is hilarious. I stand up against the rest because I don’t want to be a sheep and that takes courage. Does it? I think it’s essential and have never thought of it as being brave. I don’t shop on the High Street because of exploitation and sweat shops. I wear charity shop clothes and stuff made out of other clothes. Ok..but it’s not difficult to open your eyes and see that in our society, million dollar corperations are making this money out of lies and corrupt greed. I am not a genius.

I don’t go to McDonald’s. No the hell I don’t! Everyone else does. So what? I am a vegetarian and I appreciate how important our planet is. McDonald is a piece of shit that needs to go to hell and burn for his crimes against animals and the environment. How hard is it to say no I am not going to McDonald’s and eat a veggie burger instead? Better for your health as well.

I guess that when we walk around 24/7 in our skins, we don’t comprehend how others see us, only how we see ourselves. It’s nice to know how others see you and to step out of your life that you think is maybe dull or useless, and look at it objectively. Thanks to my friend Kate for her honesty.

I should point out that she also said I was stuck up, cold, selfish, moody and judgemental. I didn’t get off that lightly! 

I think a good bud is someone who can also tell you the not so good stuff. How can we change for the better if we never get a true picture of ourselves? The Casey of a few months ago would probably have told her to fuck herself at that point..but yes, I must be making progress! I smiled (well, grimaced) and said thanks….

”Down with the moral majority”

”Marching out of time to my own beat now”

 

 

The Beginning of the World

December 22, 2012

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Well, we are all still alive!

I was talking to Lee on Thursday night about the ‘rumours’ surrounding the 21st. We were laughing about the extremes that some people were going to, building bunkers and stuff. I mean, let’s face it, if the world is going to end, who wants to be buried under ground and dig themselves out, only to find black rubble and post apocalyptic (a Greek word according to dad) NOTHINGNESS? Who wants to live in a toxic habitat with no animals or wildlife? No vegetation? I’d rather be dead anyway.

lee said something really cute. He said that if it happens, it happen. The only thing he would have liked was to be WITH ME. (Eeepp!)

I said the same. There was an awkward but warm silence and then he giggled. He then goes ‘I really miss you every day, Case’

After I had recovered from my jelly like state of leg numbness and finished swooning I said. ‘I feel the same.’ My voice was all croaky and wavery. This is not the Casey I once was!

I think it’s my Beginning. My Pagan New Year. I can feel a change in the air.

Check this out:

Some brilliant astronomic events happen at this time of year, that witnessed and recorded by our ancestors. The Sun has now been moving south in the sky perceivably from the Northern Hemisphere since Midsummer and on Dec 21st it will reach its lowest point in the sky. From here the sun will appear stay at the same position, resting in the centre of the Crux constellation (Southern Cross) where during this pause, the sun is said to have died. After 3 days on the morning of Dec 25th. The sun moves one degree North. The darkest days are now over and foretelling of longer days to come. So the Sun dies on the cross, is there for 3 days, then is reborn… doesn’t this sound remarkably familiar?

Why can’t people SEE that the Christian version is NOT THE TRUTH? COME ON PEOPLE OPEN YOUR EYES! Makes me so angreeeeeeeee!

This is a celestial map of the constellation C...

This is a celestial map of the constellation Crux, the Southern Cross. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Things are definitely shifting…

It’s like Lee wants to say more to me and I (despite my pathetic croaky voice) am quite bold in saying things back. We had no problem expressing our feelings to each other as friends, but I think we are crossing some kind of invisible line. More potent and more significant. Problem with me is I find it easier to say things in my heart either on the phone or by email/text. I just hope Lee can start the ball rolling. It would be sooooooo frustrating after all this time (half term til now, 2 months) to go from being sent roses and having flirty conversations, to acting as just best buddies when face to face.

Ok, so I must go now and get myself ready. He’ll be here at about 2. Ohmygodohmygodohmygod!

I will post when I can but I think the next two weeks are going to be VERY eventful!

Happy New Pagan Year!

~*C*~

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PS. NO DISRESPECT MEANT BY THE TITLE

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Just got back from college and I’ve got my blue hair dyes. I got in during my lunch hour from a hippie shop round the corner from college. Mum eyed my bag suspiciously when I got in just now but I didn’t show her what I had in it as she would just forbid the whole thing. I am sick of living up to her and Dad’s standards, it’s stifling me. Mum’s still a bit arsy about the (slight) argument we had yesterday about going shopping for clothes. She gets all her stuff from Next and bloody French Connection, BORING, and expects me to just conform to the fads of the day. No I won’t. She will try and say that if I was meant to have blue hair, I would have been born with it. I can hear it now. She shut up once when we were on about tatoos (another one of my intended ‘projects’) and she came out with that line. I retorted ‘So if God wanted you to have blue shades above your eyes, he would have given it to you at birth and saved you money on eye shadow.’ OOOO she did not like that and Dad told me off for being cheeky! WTF. So hypocritical or have I missed something? If she says ANYTHING about my blue hair, I will simply come back at her with a question referring to why she DYES HER HAIR BLONDE at the roots! Eat that shit.

They are out tonight so I can chill out up in my room and do it without disturbances.

I spoke to Lisa again last night. She said that Lee had told her on the phone that Annabelle wouldn’t be here for the whole of the Christmas hols, just maybe a few days. Ok then I can take that. I tried to make out I wasn’t bothered cos I don’t want him to hear about my feelings for him from his sister. She sounded a bit surprised but changed the subject and started talking about the dyes that I told her I had bought. She offered to come round and help me but I would rather just do it on my own. Listen to some tracks, experiment with some eyeliner, watch a DVD or read a bit and have a nice ‘lonely’ evening with me, myself and I.

I thought about writing Lee a letter as well. Maybe as an email? But letters are more personal and he shares a laptop with his friend in Halls so it might not be secure or private to send an email like that. I can get his address from Lisa. Watch this space.

I’m being called for dinner so I will dye my hair after and hopefully get a chance to write another post tonight.

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