Night 3

May 30, 2013


Yes so again I lay in wait, waiting for my prince to shout from below my chambers, wanting to be let up into my lair………..(except he’d better not shout or Chester will wake up and so will Dad. Oh my God!)

As you can imagine, last night was amazing. I can’t describe how complete he makes me feel; how loved and how desired. I feel blessed. I have talked to a few other girls about their relationships and they say that they have fun in bed but it’s usually a fast and furious thing, over too soon. Passionate but short lived. Not mine. Lee seems to LOVE exploring and taking his time. That’s fine by me. I think if he just shagged me and turned over and went to sleep I would lay there and cry. I know I can be an insensitive bitch but Lee has really got me, in so many ways. he has melted my ice cold heart and warmed up my hostile and unaffectionate body!

I imagined that sex would be a nice physical thing, but has proved to be so much more. I have fallen more in love with Mr Chapman with every night I have spent engulfed by his soft yet strong arms. I asked him last night (laying there looking at each other, eyelids half down, tired out but not wanting to sleep), if I was special to him or if the other girls he’s been with have made him feel the same as I do. No. No way, he said. He has never felt so connected to another human being mentally and physically. Wow! I also asked him (I don’t know why I did but I had to know) whether he ever felt like sleeping with other girls in London. I mean he worked in a bar for fuck’s sake. A ROCK bar no less. His answer upset me slightly, but I DID ask! I expected him to go ‘no casey, my love, I only want you, I only think about YOU and no other girl ever occupies my mind.’ He didn’t though. He said that he sees a lot of beautiful girls in the bar and a lot of them are slightly, and sometimes very, pissed and they flirt with him. Some even stay there til closing so they can try and get him to go home with them! )Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!) And he enjoys the flirting but that’s all it ever is. AND~(as said almost word for word):

”I am in love with you and that, for me, means I can appreciate other beautiful girls and feel flattered when they chat me up, but I only want you. Most guys can separate sex and love, but I can’t,at least not anymore. I could when I was 15 or 16 but not now. I could never get the same satisfaction from a one night stand however sexy she was. Call me weird, but that’s how I feel. So there you are. ”

Speechless? Yep.

So he will be up the tree soon. Mum and Dad are still up but I know their routine down to the last movement. if they fucking knew what goes on up here! Good job there is a flight of stairs and thick Victorian floors separating their bedroom from mine. I still hold a pillow to my face (very very often!) so I don’t make any loud noise when Lee is doing delicious things to me. OH GOD I LOVE HIM!


I wonder what sex really feels like for guys? I feel a bit weird when I think about it. I mean, we talk about everything, despite my usual icy exterior and unwillingness to divulge emotional stuff, but I will NEVER know how he is feeling while we are doing the deed. THE DEED Hahahahah! I know it’s fucking good whatever it is, judging by the noises HE makes! What’s wrong with me, I can’t get enough of him. Am I a nimfo? If so, well I don’t give a monkey’s chuffer.

Oooo. Silence in the house. Time to send the sex text!

I might pluck up courage to ask him to describe what it feels like…………….

Has anyone reading this ever had that conversation????!!!!

Just found this. An interesting thread! I want to ask Lee so badly now. I’m interested in his analogies………… velvet slipper? Hahaha

Songs of silence

May 29, 2013

That was an awesome evening…he has left me highly frustrated and hornsome now…and M&D ARE STILL UP!!! They are NEVER still up at this time (12:10 in the night). WHY? Why now? lee keeps texting me…’Can I come back yet I need you…I want you…..”

This is seriously TORTUROUS!!!!

I love this track for night time lazing:


we ‘watched’ these

I say watched…..pffff. You know. And yes, Mum DID come upstairs. Put it this way thank god we’ve got creaky stairs.

Oh finally I think they have gone to bed.

Off to sleep with  you both!!!

Oh no it’s chucking it down out there…….well I’ll just have to make sure Lee gets straight out of his wet clothes as soon as he gets here.

Bad girl. Very bad.


Night 3 part 1

May 29, 2013

Lee is here. Yes, in my room!

My M&D are downstairs (two flights actually cos I live in the attic room as some people know) and I have to leave the door open (yawn) and Mum reckons she’s coming up at ‘regular intervals’ to check on us. AND the cheeky cow said to Lee when he turned up about half hour ago, ”It’s not that I don’t trust you Lee, it’s Casey that is the liability.”

WTF now? !!!!

Lee’s face was a fucking picture. I could tell that despite everything going on with him, he was dying to laugh. Ha. Hilarious Mum. Jesus.

Casey’s face was a picture as well! ~ Lee.

Hahah now we are writing together? He’s pissed cos I won’t let him read any of my previous blogs and he doesn’t know how to use WordPress…Yeh as if I could keep anything from you anyhow!

Let me read some stuff then!~ Lee


And we are drinking. I’ve got some G&T called Alfie and Lee has got some beer. He’s now looking through my DVDs to watch. That’s til about 11:30 when he will obediently go downstairs and say goodnight to M&D, go home and then come back via the tree later on when the world is sleeping.

I don’t think we will be doing much sleeping…………..

No we sure won’t! (~Lee)

There you go, that’s a promise!

Lee gives me a side glance and smirks a real sexy one…

I’m trying to take a photo of him but he keeps tickling me…..nah. How can someone so gorgeous be so self conscious?


Ok this is getting daft. Time to snuggle. Do you think my Mum will come up? Lee is tutting. Yeh be patient Casey know I know!

ooppppps sorry Mum!

images (8) g

yes I cut it down cos I snapped as I pounced on him and I looked hideous….

I can relate Jessie! x



( Please be aware that there is swearing and anger ahead)

If you reading this now, I guessing that you looked at this, saw the title and could instantly relate to this, and i just want to let you know your not alone.

Recently people at school have been judging the fuck out of me! These are people that I have never even said hello too. So on Friday I heard that some girl in year 12(the year above me) was going around and saying that she thinks im a bitch and blah blah bah, well yeah thats cool, you dont know me, my life or my story but sure call me a bitch if it makes you feel better. But telling everyone? speading around to all the year 12’s that im a bitch and a slut and shit! NO! im sorry that is too far, you dont know me for fucks sake…

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Night 2

May 29, 2013


My life.

Yesterday we spent the afternoon together in the woodland and old graveyard. Places we used to hang out when everything was new and we were happy. There’s a grey cloud hanging over everyone now, despite my utter contentment to be with him again, to be able to stare at him…his long black hair that now tucks behind his ears…his long dark eyelashes that cast spiky shadows on his cheeks. He looks tired and older now. Not the smiley Lee I once knew. How we have both grown up. How life has fucked us.

His mum and dad are fighting non stop. He is tired of being in the middle of it, trying to be the one with the voice of reason. He says the worst thing is that they were fine when they were scraping by and having to pull together as a family. Now his Dad has got this job it’s as if all their underlying problems and grievances with each other have surfaced and they can’t see through any of the good times or the fact that they survived before. His Dad has given up. Lisa is in her room all the time crying.

I think he’s angry with his Dad but is trying to see it from his angle. Poor Lee. His curse is his empathetic nature. If it were me I would stay well out of it and let them fight their own battles. But my M&D are different. I am different. I am not close to them, not like Lee is.

We walked endlessly through wind and showers of rain, holding hands and sometimes wrapping our arms round each other. I needed it, needed to be close to him cos the Lee who I knew before was still in there somewhere, buried deep down. Lee, my protector. Lee, who was always so there for me. Now I have to get used to the fact it’s not all about me anymore.

At about 6pm, Lisa called him. I could hear her desperate voice. She needed him to go home. I tried not to show my disappointment and walked on ahead so he wouldn’t see my eyes. He came up behind me and embraced me (he can pick me up off the floor easily, him being so tall and me being a short arse) and then turned me around and found my lips with his. Heat, swirling, blood boiling….and he apologised for being such a downer. I shrugged and said that it’s what he has to do and we have to face it. He held me close for ages with his hands in my hair before kissing my head and saying he had to go and see Lisa.


I asked if I would see him later that night. He said maybe, depending on Lisa and the situation at home.

He didn’t come.

We talked for a good 2 hours on the phone about everything and that he wanted to stay at home with Lisa as she wasn’t sleeping and needed him to be there in case. Yeh I feel for her but I have been sleeping alone for 6 weeks. I need him too.

I was like this last night….laying on my bed staring at the ceiling. Knowing he was so near yet so far. I wanted so much to be hidden in his room. But there’s no tall old tree to climb up. Only Lee can do the climbing……


So I woke up late this morning feeling like shit and it’s pouring with rain. It’s so quiet. I took Chester for a short walk but it started pissing it down so I brought him upstairs. M&D don’t like it but tough shit. They are not here anyways so they won’t know.

Rain Animated Gif

Can’t be arsed to do anything. Just listening to music. This track over and over again:

I am outside

And I’ve been waiting for the sun

And with my wide eyes

I’ve seen worlds that don’t belong
My mouth is dry

With words I cannot verbalize

Tell me why we live like this
Keep me safe inside

Your arms like towers

Tower over me, yeah
‘Cause we are broken

What must we do to restore

Our innocence

And oh, the promise we adored?

Give us life again

‘Cause we just wanna be whole
Lock the doors

‘Cause I’d like to capture this voice

That came to me tonight

So everyone will have a choice
And under red lights

I’ll show myself it wasn’t forged

We’re at war, we live like this
Keep me safe inside

Your arms like towers

Tower over me
‘Cause we are broken

What must we do to restore

Our innocence

And oh, the promise we adored?

Give us life again

‘Cause we just wanna be whole
Tower over me

Tower over me

And I’ll take the truth at any cost
‘Cause we are broken

What must we do to restore

Our innocence

And oh, the promise we adored?

Give us life again

‘Cause we just wanna be whole

Lee’s arms are my towers.

But I can’t feel their solidity right now.


It’s always some kind of pain…….

The Odd One Out

You can’t escape the pain.

Someone will always hurt you.

Someone will always break your heart.

Someone will always leave you.

You will always leave someone else.

Someone will end up being the one that got away.

All you can do is make the time worth it because you can’t escape the pain.

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Night 1

May 28, 2013



Poor Lee. His M&D are splitting up. Hence his Dad is going to live in Leeds. His mum and siss get to stay here so Lee will be coming here for holidays which is good for us (selfish Casey) but right now it’s all raw.

He climbed up to my room at half past midnight and just collapsed on my bed in silence. Then he told me everything. He cried a bit. I just lay there stunned, not knowing what to say. I’m not good with intense emotions, especially coming from something I don’t understand. If my parents split up, I don’t think I would be that bothered. That’s the honest truth.

All I could manage was a few ‘oh my god’ s, which he must have thought lame as fuck. Then after a while he rolled over and hugged me (of course I obliged) and we stayed like that for a while. He kept thanking me for being there and listening to him. I must have done right after all.

Then he started snoring.

I guess this is where Casey has to grow up and realise that life can get in the way of passionate wild nights of sex.

I set the alarm for 6am and after lying there in his bear-like arms for about a blissful hour (secretly hoping he would wake up and ravish me) I must have fallen asleep too. When the hideous thing woke us up this morning, we talked for a bit longer and he said he felt a bit better from just being able to rant to me. He promised we would hang out later today and with a long kiss and hug, he disappeared into the morning haze. He looked so sexy, his hair all over his sleepy eyes.

I feel like I have turned a corner. We slept together but didn’t sleep together. Isn’t that kinda cool?

It was also good to be there for HIM for once and to see HIS vulnerable side. It’s usually him there for me, giving advice about college and my parents. Yes, defo a good night.

I couldn’t resist taking this photo…


An amazing poem! I wish all those sheeple out there could read this!

The Why About This

Living your life for or through others is a very unhealthy thing. I wrote this for someone I know. She spent too many years in this mode until she herself realized what she needed to do for herself to be a whole person. It is a reminder to others as well:

Yesterday and the day before,
I was told who I should be and everyone agreed (except me)!
Yesterday and the day before I was the person
everyone wanted me to be (except me)!
 Yesterday and the day before,
I did things the way others had decided I should do things, to please them not myself.
Yesterday and the day before,
I just went along with the others to keep the peace, not because I thought it was right.
Yesterday and the day before,
I was miserable and didn’t like the me I’d become…

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Yes, yes…he is! He has just texted me and said that he’s gonna stay with his M&D and siss for a few hours as they’ve got family stuff to discuss. Fair play. He sounded a bit down so I have to be a bit sensitive and not go in there BOOM BOOM I’ve missed you etc etc and lung at him like I normally do. I must be growing up. I get the feeling I’m gonna have to calm down over the next few days as I sense a thunder storm brewing in the Chapman family. I haven’t see Lisa for a while but I heard that she has been off work and college. Why? I’m sure to find out soon enough….

I did a sketch of me today after I had got ready. I put it through an app on my phone. This is the original:


Then I put it through a retro cam on my phone:


Then..I put it through the weird app on my phone. Here are some of the best:

PaperArtist_2013-05-27_14-57-58 PaperArtist_2013-05-27_14-58-19 PaperArtist_2013-05-27_14-58-41 PaperArtist_2013-05-27_14-59-22 PaperArtist_2013-05-27_15-03-01 PaperArtist_2013-05-27_15-03-13 PaperArtist_2013-05-27_15-05-18 PaperArtist_2013-05-27_15-06-27 PaperArtist_2013-05-27_15-06-45 PaperArtist_2013-05-27_15-07-16 (1) PaperArtist_2013-05-27_15-07-48 PaperArtist_2013-05-27_15-08-22 PaperArtist_2013-05-27_15-09-16

still into you

May 26, 2013

Yes I am, lee Chapman!