You know, I sometimes read back on my posts and lately the ones I’ve read back on are as dull as……..well, you know. Crap.

So instead of me going on about my solitary existence in Recluseville and my obsession with Annabitch, I will talk from now on, maybe sporadically though, about other subjects. Time allowing. And energy of course. Y’all get me on that.

I have just seen these quezzies on ‘justanotherteenblog’

http://xjustanotherteenblogger.wordpress.com/

and I thought they would offer some semi-interesting substance to my posts! So thanks to you, fellow blogger!

1. Weird things you do when you are alone.

2. How have you changed in the past 2 years?

3. What kind of person attracts you.

4. What you wear to bed.

5. Five things that irritate you about the opposite sex/same sex.

6. The person you like and why you like them.

7. Your opinion on cheating on people.

8. Something you’re currently worrying about.

9. Your last kiss.

10. Your views on drugs and alcohol.

11. Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is.

12. Things you want to say to an ex.

13. A date you would love to go on.

14. Something disgusting that you do.

15. The best things to happen to you this week.

16. Three things you are proud of about your personality.

17. Things that make you scared.

18. Disrespecting parents.

19. Something that never fails to make you feel better.

20. The last argument you had.

21. Something you can’t seem to get over.

22. Ten things about you people don’t really expect.

23. Something you always think “what if…” about

24. Things you want to say to five different people.

25. Ten ways to win your heart.

26. Your religious beliefs.

27. Talk about your siblings.

28. The month you were happiest this year why.

29. A picture of yourself.

30. What changed this month and what you hope will happen next month

Ok so let’s begin!

Weird things I do when I’m alone….(which is most of the time btw!)

  • I put on loads of layers of clothing to see how many I can wear before I literally can’t move my arms. Then I can’t get them off! It’s strangely comforting, such as a straight jacket I assume. Eeeek.
  • I ‘test’ things out, like a prediction tool. For example I sit at my desk and stare out the window and go ‘If a bird flies past before I’ve counted to 10 I will end up going to the same Uni as Lee next year.’ Yeh I know. Lame.
  • I like sitting in weird places in my attic room to get different perspectives. Like, I will go into the corner near the bathroom and stand on my head with legs against the wall and take a photo.
  • I leave my skype on all night so I can watch Lee sleeping. Stalker-weird! (But he does it too so that’s ok).
  • I leave my dictophone on all night to record EVPs. I am sure my bathroom is haunted.
  • I find the lamest songs of the moment on Youtube and sing to them in a thrash metal voice. Faves include Miley Cyrus.
  • Ask myself questions. And answer them. I never disappoint myself like other people do……….

I used to do stuff like this with my poor hand made rag dolls but I’ve grown out of that now….at least I think I have…hmmmm

 

Advertisements

Night 2

May 29, 2013

080

My life.

Yesterday we spent the afternoon together in the woodland and old graveyard. Places we used to hang out when everything was new and we were happy. There’s a grey cloud hanging over everyone now, despite my utter contentment to be with him again, to be able to stare at him…his long black hair that now tucks behind his ears…his long dark eyelashes that cast spiky shadows on his cheeks. He looks tired and older now. Not the smiley Lee I once knew. How we have both grown up. How life has fucked us.

His mum and dad are fighting non stop. He is tired of being in the middle of it, trying to be the one with the voice of reason. He says the worst thing is that they were fine when they were scraping by and having to pull together as a family. Now his Dad has got this job it’s as if all their underlying problems and grievances with each other have surfaced and they can’t see through any of the good times or the fact that they survived before. His Dad has given up. Lisa is in her room all the time crying.

I think he’s angry with his Dad but is trying to see it from his angle. Poor Lee. His curse is his empathetic nature. If it were me I would stay well out of it and let them fight their own battles. But my M&D are different. I am different. I am not close to them, not like Lee is.

We walked endlessly through wind and showers of rain, holding hands and sometimes wrapping our arms round each other. I needed it, needed to be close to him cos the Lee who I knew before was still in there somewhere, buried deep down. Lee, my protector. Lee, who was always so there for me. Now I have to get used to the fact it’s not all about me anymore.

At about 6pm, Lisa called him. I could hear her desperate voice. She needed him to go home. I tried not to show my disappointment and walked on ahead so he wouldn’t see my eyes. He came up behind me and embraced me (he can pick me up off the floor easily, him being so tall and me being a short arse) and then turned me around and found my lips with his. Heat, swirling, blood boiling….and he apologised for being such a downer. I shrugged and said that it’s what he has to do and we have to face it. He held me close for ages with his hands in my hair before kissing my head and saying he had to go and see Lisa.

bear-hug-love-caring

I asked if I would see him later that night. He said maybe, depending on Lisa and the situation at home.

He didn’t come.

We talked for a good 2 hours on the phone about everything and that he wanted to stay at home with Lisa as she wasn’t sleeping and needed him to be there in case. Yeh I feel for her but I have been sleeping alone for 6 weeks. I need him too.

I was like this last night….laying on my bed staring at the ceiling. Knowing he was so near yet so far. I wanted so much to be hidden in his room. But there’s no tall old tree to climb up. Only Lee can do the climbing……

tumblr_lbcdyvtKZq1qa2nz2o1_500

So I woke up late this morning feeling like shit and it’s pouring with rain. It’s so quiet. I took Chester for a short walk but it started pissing it down so I brought him upstairs. M&D don’t like it but tough shit. They are not here anyways so they won’t know.

Rain Animated Gif

Can’t be arsed to do anything. Just listening to music. This track over and over again:

I am outside

And I’ve been waiting for the sun

And with my wide eyes

I’ve seen worlds that don’t belong
My mouth is dry

With words I cannot verbalize

Tell me why we live like this
Keep me safe inside

Your arms like towers

Tower over me, yeah
‘Cause we are broken

What must we do to restore

Our innocence

And oh, the promise we adored?

Give us life again

‘Cause we just wanna be whole
Lock the doors

‘Cause I’d like to capture this voice

That came to me tonight

So everyone will have a choice
And under red lights

I’ll show myself it wasn’t forged

We’re at war, we live like this
Keep me safe inside

Your arms like towers

Tower over me
‘Cause we are broken

What must we do to restore

Our innocence

And oh, the promise we adored?

Give us life again

‘Cause we just wanna be whole
Tower over me

Tower over me

And I’ll take the truth at any cost
‘Cause we are broken

What must we do to restore

Our innocence

And oh, the promise we adored?

Give us life again

‘Cause we just wanna be whole

Lee’s arms are my towers.

But I can’t feel their solidity right now.

tumblr_mcv9teg64m1rhmhb8o1_500

Weekend wonderful

March 3, 2013

Amazing times! Lee bought a laptop of his own on friday. This means that we can skype 24/7! You know Alex and Ben in the film ‘Paranormal Activity 4’? That’s us this weekend 🙂
He has positoned it so that I can see the whole of his room. I put mine wherever i am at the time cos my attic room is massive. Last night, even though lee went to a party 😦 he left skype on and when he got back at 3am i woke up and we talked for a bit before falling asleep right next to each other. Well it seemed so. I woke up at 10am this morning and he was sleeping. I lay and watched him snoring til he woke up. We went and got breaky and coffee and sat and chatted in our jams. It was cool. We did our college/ uni work together and kept putting work in progress up so we could critique each other’s. Oh maaaan i am loving skype! Right now he’s in one of his friend’s rooms. Michael. I am tired out but at least if i drop off he will be able to see ME asleep. Hope i dont frickin dribble….

That Groundhog day feeling  is still gripping me. Here’s my life:

Lee

A few weeks ago I was miserable because I wanted Lee and I missed him. Now I am miserable because he’s my boy and I can’t touch him or make plans with him. At least he is borrowing his mate’s laptop so he can Skype with me now. We do it every night at about 10pm. The first night we did it I was totally transfixed to the screen. I couldn’t switch it off. Laugh if you like, but we left it on all night and slept. I woke up and all I could see on the screen was Lee’s hair and his arm. We had the laptops on our beds and had fallen asleep. I probably looked hideous, good job I woke up first! I am a little bit concerned about Annabelle. He has told me at least 3 times that there’s nothing going on but sorry I am miles and miles away, stuck in my attic, thinking. I saw her and how she was with him that day she came round here. Her body language sang out ‘Lee’s mine’. I am not being paranoid here. Men are so friggin stupid when it comes to the female race, they never think that certain behaviour might be a clever ploy to win them over. If I said to Lee that Annabelle wanted him he would laugh at me. I know she does and the ‘man troubles sob story’ she’s giving him doesn’t wash in my machine! I get so pissed off. Just the thought of him and her makes me raaaaaaaaaaaaage! He genuinely has fallen for me though. I can tell in his voice, the way he speaks to me, the way he stares at me on Skype. I can’t believe we didn’t get to kiss each other goodbye. That’s what he warned me about. I have to keep thinking, as much as I miss the ass off him, it’s better than just pretending to be friends. I just don’t see a future. I want him in it, but I can’t figure out how that’s going to work.

Day to day routine

My days consist of waking up very very early to walk Chester. It has been hideous the last few mornings. Windy and dark. Chester cheers me up though when his tail starts wagging. He’s always smiling!

I then text Lee his good morning message, have a shower and gussy up. I like listening to Paramore in the mornings. It gets me moving. I do the last bits and pieces of my college work needed for that day and sort out my bag. Text Lee some more. Then I take all my stuff down and join M&D for brekky. There’s always some kind of jibe about my hair or my clothes and sometimes a  massive argument. Trouble is, the more they tell me not to do something or wear something, the more I do….

Dad then drops me off at the bus stop and I meet Kate on it. She’s really my only mate here now. The only person who I can talk to. It takes us about half an hour to get to college and we grab a coffee in the canteen and chat until our form session starts. I hate form session cos Kate’s not in it and the others are basically morons. When we have debates and discussions they come out with the dumbest crap you could ever imagine. Really? You are all 17? What, 17 months maybe yes.

Then the rest of the day is about lessons. I LOVE Art lessons but I’m not feeling the Theatre Studies much. I was led to believe that it would involve more set design and costume design but it’s not so far. Also my English Lit course is doing my head in. We studied one decent book, that was a Thomas Hardy one, and the rest have been dull as shit on a stick. It’s difficult doing all this work. I have started doing even more in the evenings now as well to take my mind off Lee so imagine how the average Jo Blogs student must be handling it.

I plod on.

Paranormal Stuff

I haven’t written about this very much. I think it’s cos I’m scared that if I open myself up to it, it will become bigger and manifest itself more and more. I’m not frightened. In fact it fascinates me. It’s just that it’s a big deal at the moment and I can’t cope with it, the effort of trying to figure out what’s going on. I have seen three apparitions in my attic area. Two in the bathroom and one in front of the door. Now I have started hearing voices. Two nights ago I woke up to the sound of someone saying ‘Mum, mum, is that you?’  in my ear. I thought i must have dreamt it and I laid there just trying to recall my dream. I dream a lot. But I realised it wasn’t connected in any way to the dream I was having. My dad taking me up in a hot air balloon shaped like a garden shed over Tibet? No. Not connected! In the bathroom, where the presence is always strong, that morning I swear when I looked in the mirror it wasn’t my face. Similar, that’s why I didn’t catch on straight away, but not my face. What the heck?

Music

Of course Paramore! But I’ve been listening to the Levellers new album, ‘Static on the Airwaves.’ It’s pretty good. I love the fiddle combined with rock and their distinct irish folk flavour that kicks ass. They kick ass.

Life is strange..

January 22, 2013

It’s really weird how, when you are talking to someone about a random subject, you realise how different people actually are and how diverse their takes on life can be.

I was talking to Kate at college today about my life. I don’t usually do this as I find it hard to verbalise about my personal stuff, (and I don’t give a monkey’s fart about what other people think and I don’t seek approval) but I went out on a limb because I needed to kind of see myself through someone else’s eyes.

I was trying to see what she really thought of my lifestyle as I posted yesterday. I am not like most 17 year old girls. Yes, I like boys, I like clothes, I like make up and I love music but…not the same kind that others seem to. That’s ok. But what about the other stuff like wanting to go out all the time and socialise? What about the need to gas and gossip endlessly about everything? Posting what you had for breakfast on Facebook? Analysing every word that someone said in order to see a cause for a bitch fight? Talking for two hours about what it meant that some guy GLANCED at me? Trying to look slimmer/prettier/more popular than everyone else? These are the things I see all around me and that I can’t muster up any excitement for.

Kate surprised me .

The first thing she said was that I was speaking as though my life was lacking something. I said well it is!

Look at it.

I live in a village No, I can’t even call it that. It’s a  hamlet..it has like, three houses; one of them is my M&D’s and the other is Lee’s. The other is about 15 minutes walk away. Come on. In the summer we moved because Dad wanted to. We were perfectly happy in the city, I had loads of friends, I went out every night and life was fun. The only person who wanted to move was him and he didn’t even bother to ask me what I wanted. I was so fucked up about it this summer that I literally wanted to kill them. I met Lee and that all changed, but REALLY what kind of life is this for a 17 year old? I’m also an only child with no siblings to hang out with. Don’t get me wrong I LOVE the area now with it’s beautiful thick woodland and peace and quiet. I have fallen in love with Nature since I moved here….but I digress. I should be out and about, partying, meeting people, getting off with lots of different boys….finding myself, forming an identity.

Kate said I have already done that without the help of anyone else. She’s jealous of me. Of me? What now?

She says that she wishes she could be happy with what she has got instead of being unhappy cos of all the stuff she hasn’t got. Ok, I get that..the only thing I am missing out on is being with Lee. (That’s major though but I don’t let on too much.) I don’t sit upstairs dreaming about owning or having anything really. I am pretty happy with having Chester (my dog) and Lee and my one or two good mates that I still talk to. To be brutally honest, people get on my fucking nerves most of the time anyway!

She then said that I may not talk much but I exude an air of quiet wisdom! Hahahaha. I had to laugh because I don’t see myself as mature or wise. I say stupid things without thinking, I can’t be patient when I want something, I get pissy when I don’t get my way from M&D, what else…I judge people by how they dress (like I did in the summer) and their appearance..I can’t help it despite nearly losing Lee over it. I am not mature! I am a rebel who doesn’t care what other people think or feel at times.

Then she said I have got guts. Paah! Ok then. Now this is hilarious. I stand up against the rest because I don’t want to be a sheep and that takes courage. Does it? I think it’s essential and have never thought of it as being brave. I don’t shop on the High Street because of exploitation and sweat shops. I wear charity shop clothes and stuff made out of other clothes. Ok..but it’s not difficult to open your eyes and see that in our society, million dollar corperations are making this money out of lies and corrupt greed. I am not a genius.

I don’t go to McDonald’s. No the hell I don’t! Everyone else does. So what? I am a vegetarian and I appreciate how important our planet is. McDonald is a piece of shit that needs to go to hell and burn for his crimes against animals and the environment. How hard is it to say no I am not going to McDonald’s and eat a veggie burger instead? Better for your health as well.

I guess that when we walk around 24/7 in our skins, we don’t comprehend how others see us, only how we see ourselves. It’s nice to know how others see you and to step out of your life that you think is maybe dull or useless, and look at it objectively. Thanks to my friend Kate for her honesty.

I should point out that she also said I was stuck up, cold, selfish, moody and judgemental. I didn’t get off that lightly! 

I think a good bud is someone who can also tell you the not so good stuff. How can we change for the better if we never get a true picture of ourselves? The Casey of a few months ago would probably have told her to fuck herself at that point..but yes, I must be making progress! I smiled (well, grimaced) and said thanks….

”Down with the moral majority”

”Marching out of time to my own beat now”

 

 

New Year’s Eve 2012

December 31, 2012

So Lee has just been round. He asked me to go to his house tonight as his parents are spending it with friends and him and his sister, Lisa are having a party with a few of his old school mates and some of Lisa’s friends. I would have preferred to have Lee to myself tonight, but what can I do? There are no decent places to go out around here so us teens must stick together I guess. Stella wanted me to go to Rechford but I don’t want to. She doesn’t want to come here which I think is a bit shit as I haven’t seen her for ages. Kate and I haven’t really spoken much since I was ill before Christmas and I’m a bit pissed off with her to be honest. Lee is only here for a while and soon Annabelle will turn up. I want to make the most of the time I’ve got with him before I sink down into the pit of misery that is my life without him. (I was trying to be positive and upbeat today but fuck it. It’s too tiring!)

So party it is. At least Lee’s M&D don’t mind him having alcohol. That’s another (of a gazillion) reasons why having a sensible 19 year old (almost boy) friend is a good idea! My parents don’t let me drink (even though I do, see previous posts!) because once I had some wine at one of Mum’s dinner parties and I threw up under the table. And made an ass of myself in front of their friends. Quelle supriiiiiiiiiiiise!

Anyways, he asked me if I was ok and gave me another amazing hug. (Fuckkkkkkk me I want more!) I didn’t finish the previous post about what happened after our walk. Basically, we walked back to my house and sat at the kitchen table drinking hot choco. I was gutted but at the same time quite excited as I knew how he felt and I had fucking KISSED him! So the conversation was about a lot of things. I tried to be ok with it cos I know he’s in a difficult situ with my strict as shit parents and the fact that his know mine and all that. These were the points we discussed: (The nearest I can remember as the actual words):

1. He said: Your parents are worried sick and may ground you or stop us seeing each other if we mess up even once. (ie if they catch us kissing etc). I said: We can be extra careful. He said: So what’s the difference in our relationship as friends and as a couple? Only now we don’t have a physical thing going. We can wait for that. I said: Nothing. (fuckshit)

2. He said: I’m at Uni and you’re here. A long distance relationship will be hard on both of us. I said: I DON’T CARE! I would rather sit at home knowing we are a couple and miss you as a boyfriend than sit at home and miss you as a friend. He said: Ok, I get your point, but you know how I feel about you. I said: So why not just admit we are a couple? He said: Maybe….(and went really quiet)

3. He said: I don’t want our friendship to suffer. Would we be able to maintain our closeness as friends if we broke up? He told me about a friend of his who had started seeing a good friend of his and it all went wrong and now they don’t speak at all! I said: I think we would. We are both quite mature (me? pffff ok!) and you are my best friend and always will be. But now it’s like we’ve crossed the line anyway. He said: Yes we have in a way. Oh for fuck’s sake this is so hard! (Yes, Lee. It’s killing me.)

4. He said: I’m scared of getting hurt and/or hurting you. I said: But it hurts right now, doesn’t it? (He was nodding). He then said: I think that if we stay friends for now, that it’s safer. Being in love is so complicated. You are only 17. I worry about that. I said: I can look  out for myself. I trust you to be honest with me, that’s all I can ask of you and you of me. I want a chance for us, that’s all.

I was trembling and wished I had a glass of red wine in my hand.

Then THEY came back. Discussion over. He just said, before Mum started going on about some village gossip, that we should think carefully and give it some time before we decide one way or another. He smiled at me so warmly I wanted to just grab him across the table. That kiss…..oh my that kiss!

See? What a fucking fuck up! What do I do? Leave it or keep trying to push my reasoning? Casey always tries to get her own way. Maybe it should be one of my N Y resolutions, to stop trying to manipulate everyone to my way of thinking. I can’t help it though! I don’t know how I’m going to cope now, knowing Lee feels this way about me. I mean, WHEN does he think we can be together then? When I leave for Uni? That’s another year or more yet! No way……….no no no no. I will die.

Well. Tonight will be interesting. I intend to drink. A lot. Will I be able to keep my hands off that person who I love? I doubt it. He is stronger than I am, that’s for sure. Oh holy crap. I wonder who else will be there? Lisa’s friends. Maybe me and Lee can just go off to another room and have our own party. Thing is his old buds will be there as well. Oh joy.

Happy Fucking New Year! 😦

This is all I want for 2013

boy-boy-and-girl-girl-heart-love-Favim.com-260781

http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Believe-In-Love/2827710