Who would miss me?

June 9, 2013

I have been thinking about this a lot. And I have just read another blog saying exactly the same.

It’s at times like this when I have spent my entire weekend doing college work (we have got given details about our end of year exams which are actually AS Levels) and been trying to call/text people just to hear someone else SPEAK and no one is picking up or answering, that I feel just so fucking lifeless and devoid of purpose.

My parents…well Dad has been working all weekend. He usually does, this is the thing about him being the only Doc for miles around. His own daughter going through a SHIT time but he doesn’t seem to know or bother to ask. Mum has been either out in the garden fiddling with her flowers and paving slabs and hasn’t called upstairs hardly at all, just to tell me when meals are ready. Then she usually just gives me mine and goes off somewhere else saying that she has had hers and Dad’s is plated up ready for when he gets home. And???

Ok, I know I could go downstairs into the garden more often, play with Chester there, but she usually shouts and says he scuffs up the lawn or tramples the flowers. That’s why I always take him to the woods. My haven.

Stella is NEVER free to talk. Always with Ian. Or is it Mark? Fuck’s sake I can’t keep up with her.

Kate and I haven’t spoken for about 2 weeks.

Dimitri is in London this weekend. I think it’s a cousin of his or a relative at least, who is doing a Masters there and he’s gone to spend some time with him. He says he gets tired of speaking English sometimes and needs to kick back and speak his own language. I get that, it must be hard. I tried to talk to him in Greek the other night on Skype but he fell about laughing as soon as I opened my mouth so he has put me off doing it now, the evil shitface! Yes so anyway, he’s not picking up.

Lee. I spoke to him this morning but he’s got a shift at the bar today. He does only weekends now. I will get to talk to him later on at about 11:30, but meanwhile…???

He gets a bit pissy with me when I talk about this anyway. He thinks I am being hostile and should try and talk to my parents more instead of hiding away in my attic, away from the world. Yeh ok, but he’s really close to his M&D and sister. I am an only child and do not have anything in common with my parents. Except that my Mum used to be a good artist and my Dad is Greek. Loads then!

I can’t be arsed to talk to them. Am I a bitch?

I like my own company. Is that wrong?

I’m allowed Chester up here now as well so even less reason to go downstairs into Mum’s domain of Elle Decor magazine.

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I’ll just listen to some music and stare outside at the setting sun. It’s peaceful.

Unlike me.

 

 

ink not mink!

May 1, 2013

I was just reading through Kerrang magazine and found this:

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I totally agree with you, Wallflower! I think we should do an ‘alternative style and muse icon’ post together!

Valentine’s Day Bollocks

February 14, 2013

Although me and Lee agreed not to ‘do’ Valentine’s Day, he has still gone and sent me a silver and black onyx bracelet with a pair of wings opened out. It symbolises my Spirit Guide and my Guardian Angel, who I have always told him that HE is. I love it.

He has also sent me a poem and illustrated it on one of his sketchbook pages. It’s very romantic but then again he sends me sketches and little snippets of poetry regularly.
This is my rant about Valentine’s Day:

1. PEOPLE. YOU SHOULDN’T BE WAITING FOR ONE DAY OUT OF 365 TO TELL YOUR SPECIAL PERSON THAT YOU LOVE THEM!

2. Multi national Corperations make loads of profit out of this day and so many others like Mother’s Day. No. It’s so wrong! Someone decides that we should all celebrate these things and we all just BLINDLY go along with it! Why? Is this Big Brother?

I was made to feel like a crap girlfriend at college because people were asking me what I had given Lee and what he had given me. They don’t realise that we send each other poems, drawings and hand made cards regularly! We don’t wait for February 14th! I turned round and said, ‘Do I ask YOU what you and your boyfriend give each other and how you show love on a day to day basis? No because you would tell me to mind my own!’

It should be PERSONAL and not some hideous commercial crap. I can’t believe that Moonpig are selling

2 cards for the price of one!!!

Why? Why would you want 2?!!!

Jesus.

3. The environment. I bet if we looked at statistics we would see the rate of rainforest being cut down and the volume of waste being put into land fill going up so much more around these ‘special’ days. BAD.

Yes so guys, I DID send Lee some personal sketches and drawings and a message of deep passion and love for today. So there. And I am never going to show anyone anything he has sent me.

I suddenly realised that I didn’t post about what happened with Annabelle.

Well, to cut a long story short, I didn’t get to spend any decent time with Lee on his own after the embrace that Mum walked in on. Can you fucking believe it, after all that time during Christmas hols!! Annabelle arrived and Stella stayed to give me moral support so it was back to being ‘friends’ again and pretending after almost being unable to convince my mum again that there was nothing going on…except that of course Stella knew everything.……

So after that day when Annabelle arrived, Lee was texting me like EVERY hour to ask how I was and when I could come round. I really had this fear inside me of meeting her. I had this image of a tall, strikingly beautiful and stylishly alternative girl that I would never be able to compete with…and once I saw her I would suffer forever when Lee was in London with her. So I put off going there. I made some lame excuse about Stella needing me and although I hated it with a passion as I was desperate to see him again, I managed to stay away.

Then two days after, they came round.

Oh God. Mum called me downstairs and there they were. And she was EXACTLY how I imagined she would be. Dressed in all black with this amazing blue mop of dread locked hair. Tall, so very tall. And sophisticated in a grungy way.

We stared at each other for what seemed like ages. They seemed to fit together somehow like they were held in photo time lapse by a invisible camera. Lee said Hi and snapped me out of my weird state of abstract contemplation. Annabelle smiled but her eyes didn’t. You know what I mean? Was it my imagination or did she ease herself a little closer to Lee? Their arms were so close it looked like they were siamese twins. Joined. I knew I was staring at strange places but my brain couldn’t take it all in. I couldn’t look her in the eyes. Striking goth eyes.

I felt like a small rabbit caught in some very threatening car headlights. I tried to look at them, Lee shifted onto his other leg and cleared his throat. Then she started moving towards me and I saw her jingly bangled arm stretch out, her fingers full of thick rings that seemed way too heavy for those delicate fingers. I mentally shook myself and looked her in the eye, shook her hand and said ‘Nice to meet you Annabelle.’ Then it was her who couldn’t look me in the eye. Fake.

She shook hands with Stella then and I smelt a strange waft of a dark perfume and heard that jangle of bracelets as she moved back towards Lee. Stella broke the ice by suggesting we go into the living room and she kind of guided Annabelle through, leaving me and Lee behind them. I immediately felt his slightly cold hand grab mine and squeeze, My heart jumped. Then I felt Lee pulling me back into the kitchen and I turned to see him grinning at me like a loony. Mum wasn’t in there thank god because he grabbed me round the waist and hugged me, whispering in my ear that he had missed me like crazy. Then we kissed. Ohhhhhhhhhhh maaaaaaaaaaaaaaan.

I had to stop it because I was vaguely away that Annabelle and Stella were in the living room on their own. I admit I didn’t really give a shit, but it was a bit rude even for me! He held me for a few amazing seconds more and said that he didn’t know if we would get another chance to do this before he left so he wanted to make the most of it. I would have happily stayed there all night.

We walked in to the living room and Stella and Annabelle were chatting away as if they had known each other for years. That’s Stella for you. I don’t know how she does it with people. I guess she didn’t feel as fucking nervous and edgy around her as I did. She didn’t have much to lose. We sat down together on the two seater and Lee tried to twirl his fingers around mine but I was too conscious of whether Mum was around or not. Jesus, imagine that, her walking in on our little hand wrestling match! It was dodgy enough us sitting so cosy on the sofa together….

The rest of the hour or so was ok. I didn’t really talk directly to Annabelle, just to Lee and Stella. My boy and best bud seemed to get on so I was pleased with that. At one point, lee got up to go to the loo and Mum appeared in the doorway offering tea or coffee. How lucky was that. Fuck.. it was then that Annabelle did actually ask me a question. Whether me and Lee were actually together. Didn’t he TELL her? I just smiled and said yes. She smiled back, but I sensed something. She didn’t seem happy about it that’s one thing for sure. Stella, on the other hand, yelled out ‘Yay!’ and came over and threw herself at me, nearly head butting me! Then lee came back and Annabelle said she thought they should be heading back. What…at 9:30? Lee looked at me and tried to show me his apologetic face, but I wasn’t looking. Gutted. She stood up and jangled a lot. The perfume wafted again and I felt a bit sick.

Stella glanced at me and shrugged so we stood up and walked back into the kitchen towards the back door. They said goodbye to Mum and Dad who were drinking tea in there and we stood out in the yard. I wanted Lee for another hug and just wanted Annabelle to fuck off and let us be. Stella ushered her forward and said something I didn’t hear. Lee grabbed my hand again and said he would try and see me before they went back. We managed a little kiss but there wasn’t chance and it was too near the kitchen window. He said he would call and text when he was in bed (grrrrrrrrrrrumf!) and winked before turning away and walking towards the others. Annabelle said Goodbye and that it was nice to meet me and they walked off. Down the path and disappeared through the gate into the darkness. Stella just said fuck me and put her arm round me, dragging me back indoors. She helped herself to a cuppa and sat down with M&D. i didn’t want her to do that, I just wanted to go upstairs and sit and analyse what had just happened and what she thought Annabelle’s game was. I was dying to ask her what she thought of her! But no, the cow sat there. Dad said ‘Lee’s girlfriend seems nice’ and I just almost fell on the floor. Stella nearly choked on her tea and had to pretend to laugh to hide it.

Silence. What the hell? I hadn’t expected him to think that, but really, why wouldn’t he?

Then Stella. Oh Fucks sake. She said ‘Yes, we like her too. She’s awesome.’

Noooooooooooooooooooooo!

Stella was grinning at me while trying to hide the fact from M&D that she was pissing herself laughing into her cup.

Later on upstairs, after I had bollocked her, she explained that it was good that they thought Annabelle was Lee’s girlfriend. I realised what she meant. It took the heat off me and lee. Of course!

Stella genuinely likes Annabelle. Yes, you read that correctly. I tried to explain that she seemed fake and that she never spoke to me except to ask if me and Lee were together. Stella, always the one who sees both sides of things reckons it’s because she felt threatened by me. I don’t think so. I think she wants Lee for herself and I am her competition. Why did she want to leave at chuffin 9:30? No. I love Stella’s diplomacy but she’s is wrong. Annabelle has got an agenda and that feeling is from my gut. I always trust my instinct about people.

Of course to lee, I said all nice things about Annabelle. Stella was right about one thing. The worse thing I could have done would be to slag her off to lee. I don’t want to be the bitch here. I will go along with it for Lee, but she is being watched. Very closely.

 

 

Life is strange..

January 22, 2013

It’s really weird how, when you are talking to someone about a random subject, you realise how different people actually are and how diverse their takes on life can be.

I was talking to Kate at college today about my life. I don’t usually do this as I find it hard to verbalise about my personal stuff, (and I don’t give a monkey’s fart about what other people think and I don’t seek approval) but I went out on a limb because I needed to kind of see myself through someone else’s eyes.

I was trying to see what she really thought of my lifestyle as I posted yesterday. I am not like most 17 year old girls. Yes, I like boys, I like clothes, I like make up and I love music but…not the same kind that others seem to. That’s ok. But what about the other stuff like wanting to go out all the time and socialise? What about the need to gas and gossip endlessly about everything? Posting what you had for breakfast on Facebook? Analysing every word that someone said in order to see a cause for a bitch fight? Talking for two hours about what it meant that some guy GLANCED at me? Trying to look slimmer/prettier/more popular than everyone else? These are the things I see all around me and that I can’t muster up any excitement for.

Kate surprised me .

The first thing she said was that I was speaking as though my life was lacking something. I said well it is!

Look at it.

I live in a village No, I can’t even call it that. It’s a  hamlet..it has like, three houses; one of them is my M&D’s and the other is Lee’s. The other is about 15 minutes walk away. Come on. In the summer we moved because Dad wanted to. We were perfectly happy in the city, I had loads of friends, I went out every night and life was fun. The only person who wanted to move was him and he didn’t even bother to ask me what I wanted. I was so fucked up about it this summer that I literally wanted to kill them. I met Lee and that all changed, but REALLY what kind of life is this for a 17 year old? I’m also an only child with no siblings to hang out with. Don’t get me wrong I LOVE the area now with it’s beautiful thick woodland and peace and quiet. I have fallen in love with Nature since I moved here….but I digress. I should be out and about, partying, meeting people, getting off with lots of different boys….finding myself, forming an identity.

Kate said I have already done that without the help of anyone else. She’s jealous of me. Of me? What now?

She says that she wishes she could be happy with what she has got instead of being unhappy cos of all the stuff she hasn’t got. Ok, I get that..the only thing I am missing out on is being with Lee. (That’s major though but I don’t let on too much.) I don’t sit upstairs dreaming about owning or having anything really. I am pretty happy with having Chester (my dog) and Lee and my one or two good mates that I still talk to. To be brutally honest, people get on my fucking nerves most of the time anyway!

She then said that I may not talk much but I exude an air of quiet wisdom! Hahahaha. I had to laugh because I don’t see myself as mature or wise. I say stupid things without thinking, I can’t be patient when I want something, I get pissy when I don’t get my way from M&D, what else…I judge people by how they dress (like I did in the summer) and their appearance..I can’t help it despite nearly losing Lee over it. I am not mature! I am a rebel who doesn’t care what other people think or feel at times.

Then she said I have got guts. Paah! Ok then. Now this is hilarious. I stand up against the rest because I don’t want to be a sheep and that takes courage. Does it? I think it’s essential and have never thought of it as being brave. I don’t shop on the High Street because of exploitation and sweat shops. I wear charity shop clothes and stuff made out of other clothes. Ok..but it’s not difficult to open your eyes and see that in our society, million dollar corperations are making this money out of lies and corrupt greed. I am not a genius.

I don’t go to McDonald’s. No the hell I don’t! Everyone else does. So what? I am a vegetarian and I appreciate how important our planet is. McDonald is a piece of shit that needs to go to hell and burn for his crimes against animals and the environment. How hard is it to say no I am not going to McDonald’s and eat a veggie burger instead? Better for your health as well.

I guess that when we walk around 24/7 in our skins, we don’t comprehend how others see us, only how we see ourselves. It’s nice to know how others see you and to step out of your life that you think is maybe dull or useless, and look at it objectively. Thanks to my friend Kate for her honesty.

I should point out that she also said I was stuck up, cold, selfish, moody and judgemental. I didn’t get off that lightly! 

I think a good bud is someone who can also tell you the not so good stuff. How can we change for the better if we never get a true picture of ourselves? The Casey of a few months ago would probably have told her to fuck herself at that point..but yes, I must be making progress! I smiled (well, grimaced) and said thanks….

”Down with the moral majority”

”Marching out of time to my own beat now”

 

 

The rest could have two meanings….the rest as in all the bizarre stuff since that day or the fact that I have hardly been able to get out of bed since.

Yes, I drank waaaaaaaay too much.

So I got there (to Lee and Lisa’s party) a bit late. I had been divving around with my hair and stuff, as well as having sneaked nearly half a bottle of wine into my room and consumed it. Bad mistake! I staggered/walked to their’s and arrived about an hour after everyone else and Lee was like, where have you been I’ve been trying to call you. He had wanted to see me before they all came,  DAMN… I needed to talk to him and we would have had privacy with no parents around. But by then it was too late.

The living room was like a disco sauna and filled with people. I could tell immediately who Lisa’s mates were cos they were dressed in horrendously bright clothes. Is that the latest fashion? Blindingly horrific shades of greens and oranges? Bleuugh. Maybe it was the heat in there combined with my consumption of wine that made my eyes go squiffy.

So I plopped down in the nearest empty seat. Most people were dancing to some shitty chart music but there were some older guys sitting around on cushions laughing and drinking beer out of bottles. Lee came from in the hallway and as the lounge door opened I heard a lot of female laughter. Later on when I went to the loo I found out there were swarms of girls sitting on the stairs. Lee had been sitting with them, obviously. There were some boys there too so I hoped he had been with them.

Anyways, Lee came in and asked what I wanted to drink. I chose beer as he was drinking it. He said if I wanted I could go upstairs to his room as his crowd were mostly up there. Off I went. I was actually pleasantly surprised as it was quiet in his room with some rock music in the background instead of ‘Will I (fucking) am’, and masses of rainbow bodies flinging themselves around. He introduced me to everyone (this is my best bud Casey who I’ve told you all about. Best BUD?’) and there were some grungy looking girls there as well and my heart fell into my jeans. Until I saw that they all had male arms draped around their necks. Phewzies.

I tried to relax and it was ok at that point because I had had enough alcohol to sit and grin at everyone and answer their questions. Usually I just sit and stare at my boots in those situations, but I really wanted to be nice to Lee’s friends and they really seemed like cool people to hang out with. I was aware that Lee wasn’t around me much, but he kept asking if I was ok and handing me more beer so I didn’t complain. I got talking to a guy called Mark who I had seen somewhere before. We laughed about it for a while and eventually we worked it out. He had been working in the College Library for a while but had left recently. It was strange because at that point, Lee seemed to stick around me more….

I was pretty drunk by 11:00 and had got myself involved in a really hilarious game of Twister. Oh my God. It was soooooooo fucking childish but so funny. Lee got involved a few times but couldn’t do it for laughing so was sitting on the side lines watching us make dicks of ourselves. Some others had started dancing (well, head banging is more the description) and they had put Rage Against the Machine on and some Nirvana. I wobbled over to them and started swaying to it and Lee had to catch me a few times and I remember trying to get him to dance. This was the point that changed the hilarity.

Someone stopped the rock and put on some slushy mush that got all the couples up from their clenches on the floor and dancing like they were having vertical sex. I was like, what the fuckety fuck, and went to sit down, but Lee caught my arm. I thought he wanted to dance (by this point I was ready to jump on him and rip his clothes off btw, drunk that I really was) and I attempted to wrap my arms around his neck. (No, Casey…) I swear I heard some people snigger and Lee’s name mentioned, but you know when you’ve had that much to drink and you simply don’t give a monkey’s fuck? Yep, that was me.

He then had hold of my wrists and was trying to ease my arms down off his neck, but I remember snuggling into his chest and swaying and (I hate to say this) SINGING in his ear!

The next thing I knew I was being lead out of the door. The cool air hit me then and suddenly we were in another bedroom. I think it was Lisa’s as it seemed small (and that’s also how I felt). Lee was facing me in the dark and I thought he was going to yell his head off. Blood was pumping through my veins and my head was banging from the drink and the sudden change of atmosphere. He just said, really calmly: Casey what the fuck are you doing to me?

At that point I fell back, assuming there was a bed there. Thank fuck there was, else how messed up would I have looked? Lee sat next to me in the dark and I could hear my breathing really loudly. (Why does that happen when you’re pissed?) I muttered some kind of sorry and he then started laughing. What..I was like, make your mind up! Then he asked me if I was drunk. The poor naive guy didn’t know!!!

I said yes and he sounded amused, but asked if I was ok. Yes, Lee, apart from being desperately in traumatising and all-consuming love with you! I asked him what he had meant by ‘What the fuck are you doing to me’ and he said that he so wanted to dance with me like that but we were meant to be being careful. He said he was pretty drunk, but not that drunk to do something fucking stupid that he would regret. I was nearly crying (again? wtf?) and I said why regret something you want? By which he answered

‘If I had started kissing you in there I would never have stopped.’

Then we had a definite, unfuckingbelievable, oh my god moment.

Everyone started shouting Happy New Year.

We both started laughing and we leaned into each other and nearly banged heads. He stood up, laughing and said we should go and join in with the others. He grabbed my hand in the dark and pulled me. I ended up with my arms round him and he hugged me. The next thing I know,we are kissing. Not some half hearted peck for New Year. This was IT. It was indescribable. It seemed to go on forever, I was just enveloped in this cloud of warmth and fuzzy drunkeness and Lee’s hot lips. OH MY FUCKING GOD.

After what seemed like hours, he pulled away and said we should go. Everyone had gone from his room and there was screaming and shouting and very loud music (if you can call Jessie J music) coming from the living room. I was all wobbly on my feet and Lee held my hand and eased me down the stairs. We walked (well, I kinda swayed) into the lounge and a few of Lee’s mates looked at us and smiled, Lisa nudged her friend she was dancing with and winked at him. I was thinking, this is a dream, Casey. Don’t move, don’t even BREATH in case you wake up.

Lisa then grabbed me and pulled me into her dancing circle and said in my ear ‘I knew it! At last! Happy New Year Year.’ I smiled and wished it back to her, trying to look round and see where Lee had gone, but I couldn’t see him anywhere. I started panicking and stumbled into the kitchen. Lots of empties but no Lee. I saw the back door open and peered outside. Pitch black but lovely, crisp cold night air that promised to sober me up. So I went and sat out on the patio for a while on a plastic chair. Peace.

I sat out there for ages, going over what had happened with Lee in Lisa’s room. Had I imagined it? It got to the point where I couldn’t tell what the time was any more. I hadn’t got a watch on. I tried to listen out for the church clock striking but the noise from the living room drowned anything like normality out. Then I started to feel weird. Panicky. I had sobered up enough to not be able to  face going in amongst that din and drunkeness. My head was banging, I felt sick and I couldn’t face Lee. So I decided, just like that, to go home.

I trudged across the lawn and tried to find the gate at the bottom of the garden. It was so dark. I managed to grope around and find it and almost fell over on the path to my house. It seemed like an age before I reached my garden gate, but it was nice to see the security light come on and the back door beckon. M&D werent home so as quickly as I could I let myself in, almost crawled up the stairs to my attic, tried to throw up in the loo just to make myself feel better, and just fell back on the bed. The room started spinning at that point and my phone started ringing. Lee was calling me. I couldn’t answer it so I waited for it, BEGGED it to stop ringing and then quickly texted him before he could ring again. I was a mess. Happy, confused, bewildered and a mess. It’s times like that that I need to be on my own. The last thing I wanted to let Lee see after such a delicious kiss was me puking my guts up probably everywhere but in the toilet.

The last thing I remember was looking at my phone to see the message ‘Please come back’ from Lee with 3 kisses on the end and hearing my phone ring about 5 times. Then I woke up, probably an hour later and puked.

Woke up with a horrific hang over, fully clothed, on my bed, at midday. My phone woke me up. This time I had to answer it. Lee said he was coming over in half and hour…..

Part 2 coming soon 🙂