August 17, 2015
Lee is still in London with Chloe. He is being fine with me, which is more than I deserve after what I’ve done, but I just don’t get WHY he had to go there! He could have gone to his Dad in Leeds. But Chloe? I am deathly paranoid now because she did admit her feelings and he was genuinely shocked, but I sense that he has been thinking about things a lot lately and whether he would be happier with her. I mean he always spoke of her as his closest friend. They are very very similar in character, both quiet and introverted, but with fire in their bellies when they need it. She’s a Wiccan and Lee has always loved the Old Religions and Cultures. He’s more of a Buddhist though….but he finds her practices fascinating. They are both Sensitive to the point of ridiculous as well and they always retreated to one another when things got tough…Yes, he’d talk to me, but the difference was, Chloe could make him feel better whereas our relationship has always been one sided as though Lee is in it to save me. I never understood what he saw in me, what I ever brought to the table. Jesus, I’m depressed.
And then there’s the point that I have been making out with another guy for approximately 2 months behind Lee’s back. It doesn’t seem to salvage anything when I remind him that I didn’t sleep with him. Lee, being Lee has already forgiven me. He didn’t even get pissed, he just went quiet for a few days and then asked me why I needed to do that with another guy, was there something missing from our relationship? Did he not pay me enough attention? He made me want to scream…………..because this…this MARRIAGE like thing we’ve got is so fucking DULL! ‘let’s talk it through, let’s get to the root of the issue.’ NO I DON’T WANT TO, I JUST WANT TO LIVE! DO STUFF WITHOUT HAVING TO ANALYSE IT!
That’s why I slept with Simon i guess. I saw an Oscar Wilde quote scrawled on his bedroom wall one afternoon when we were sat in there, all of us, when the electric went out. Simon had candles and Lee and him jammed on guitars for hours until suddenly the lights came back on. Chloe and Anna were asleep. I noticed it then in the glare of the stark lamp on his bedside table:
“The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. Resist it, and your soul grows sick with longing for the things it has forbidden to itself, with desire for what its monstrous laws have made monstrous and unlawful.”
I became a little bit obsessive about Simon from that moment on as he was the answer to my longings. Little did I know he’d grown sick with longing for me. But that’s another blog post.
Finally, the ever-decreasing endless issue of KIDS that somehow won’t lie down and let us live in peace. I am 18 for fuck’s sake, not 38. Why does everything around us have to keep prodding and picking at that wound we made bleed when we first got together? The one where he says he wants kids and to be married by the time he’s 25…and I say I don’t care about marriage and I don’t want to sprog..there are enough kids in this world without homes and food…why add to it? I find the whole idea of childbirth repulsive and the thought of babies repugnant. I am not a mother! Chloe is though isn’t she.
January 23, 2014
Tomorrow! I get to squidge my Lee. I get to go in the car with him all the way to London huddled up on the back seat. Then we get to sleep in the same bed TWICE without having to set dumbass irritating alarms so he has to get up and avoid my parents. No. We will wake up when WE want to. May not even get out of bed on Saturday. Note to self REMEMBER TO SWITCH LAPTOP OFF BEFORE LEAVING TOMORROW NIGHT or else someone (mum!) will ‘accidently’ come into my room and see skype on which is directed at Lee’s bed. I will be in it. I will be crucified and hung. Lee will be banned from my house. I will not have the desire to exist anymore.
I have packed my best stuff to wear and most of my toiletries are ready. Just got some stuff to do for Theatre Studies like a few sketches for a tutorial on Monday. This is my idea for a scene of a play that we are going to put on as a group. I am doing the scenes and the others; Trudy, Mark and Kishan are writing it.
Also the conclusion to my Lit essay on Maya Angelou’s Passing Time (which I love)
Your skin Like dawn
Mine like musk
One paints the beginning
of a certain end.
The other, the end of a
Anyways, why am I on about college? Jesus. I am SO looking forward to London. I have got about £70 for two days but I know Lee won’t want to drink that much and he won’t want me smoking in his room, so really I guess we’ll go to the Union bar and maybe the cinema. oh and takeout, which we never get at home cos no takeout place will deliver so far into the depths of frickin NOWHERE lol.
Oh man. I can’t believe it! I won’t want to come back will I?
I might have to slap Annabitch as well. It WAS her who switched off Skype. Lee is well fucked off with that cow. Apparently she apologised profusely to him and he asked her why but she couldn’t give a reason. I know though. Bitch tried to stop us from talking. Well, oh look you FUCKING mentalist, we are STILL talking and in love and going to spend the weekend together! You can keep your goth face OUT of Lee’s room and your face will remain away from my face unless you want it slapping more than once!!!!
January 21, 2014
June 2, 2013
I can’t believe he has gone.
Again I feel lost, cold, empty and alone.
The only relief is to lay in my bed that still smells of him, pull the sheets over my head and breathe….breathe and make believe he’s here again. Relive every second I can remember.
My God, what is this misery…..
I want to smoke again. I want to drink myself numb. Just once. (or maybe more) Just to get through this next few days.
Fuck I am so miserable 😦
May 28, 2013
Poor Lee. His M&D are splitting up. Hence his Dad is going to live in Leeds. His mum and siss get to stay here so Lee will be coming here for holidays which is good for us (selfish Casey) but right now it’s all raw.
He climbed up to my room at half past midnight and just collapsed on my bed in silence. Then he told me everything. He cried a bit. I just lay there stunned, not knowing what to say. I’m not good with intense emotions, especially coming from something I don’t understand. If my parents split up, I don’t think I would be that bothered. That’s the honest truth.
All I could manage was a few ‘oh my god’ s, which he must have thought lame as fuck. Then after a while he rolled over and hugged me (of course I obliged) and we stayed like that for a while. He kept thanking me for being there and listening to him. I must have done right after all.
Then he started snoring.
I guess this is where Casey has to grow up and realise that life can get in the way of passionate wild nights of sex.
I set the alarm for 6am and after lying there in his bear-like arms for about a blissful hour (secretly hoping he would wake up and ravish me) I must have fallen asleep too. When the hideous thing woke us up this morning, we talked for a bit longer and he said he felt a bit better from just being able to rant to me. He promised we would hang out later today and with a long kiss and hug, he disappeared into the morning haze. He looked so sexy, his hair all over his sleepy eyes.
I feel like I have turned a corner. We slept together but didn’t sleep together. Isn’t that kinda cool?
It was also good to be there for HIM for once and to see HIS vulnerable side. It’s usually him there for me, giving advice about college and my parents. Yes, defo a good night.
I couldn’t resist taking this photo…
April 30, 2013
I just got this from Lee on my mobile:
I miss him so much. I am just sitting here staring at his denim jacket that he’s thrown on his bed. He has put a massive piece of paper out of his sketchbook propped up against his bed and he has scrawled:
I love you Case
right across it in what must be acrylic paint.
April 29, 2013
This is my mantra. I HAVE to try and be more tolerant
Yeh so I have been like, hugely busy over the last week. Loads of college work to do and at the weekend I stayed over at Kate’s house as she had a parteeee! I had a bit of an argument with Lee over that girl in the Skype photo…that was pretty ugly for a few days, and I bloody D’s split up with his girlfriend…what a week…
Ok. Kate had a party. I went over to hers on Saturday morning and we went into town. I wanted some new charity shop finds for the summer; Kate also likes trawling second hand rails, so we had a blast. I will post my ‘haul’ stuff in another blog. Decent!
The party was ok but not that many people from college turned up. It was a quiet one, a bit boring with not good music! Why do none of my so-called friends like rock and metal?? I’ll tell you who did turn up though. My EX boyfriend, bloody hell! He has gone really scruffy and looks dirty. Not that I mind scruffy but there’s a limit. He really looked like he had just been asleep in a dumpster. He got really trollied and tried to get off with me which I found hideous. He reeked of booze and fags and when he was talking to me he kept spitting. Kate threw him out in the end. Look how things go! He was once the heartbreaker of the college and now no one wants to speak to him or be around him. I felt a little bit sorry for him but then I thought back to all the shit he has given me and how he cheated openly..nah fuck him!
Anyways Sunday I had a raging hangover and got home at about 2pm. Did nothing for a few hours cos my head was like, internally bleeding, and then I tried to Skype Lee. I hadn’t really spoken to him much since Wednesday due to his shifts at the pub. We had managed a few late night chats but nothing like we used to have. Sunday we had just enough time to lay down with each other on our beds and pretend that we were really next to each other, just talking about our day and how much we loved each other…trying to figure out when we are gonna meet up next. (Unresolved). Then he had to go to work.
That girl. Well yeh..I asked him in a text message that night that I posted the snap shot, and he didn’t answer me. I stayed up til late that night on Skype to try and catch him when he got home but I must have fallen asleep cos I woke up next morning to a text going ‘I don’t know what girl you mean. What’s with you, Case?’
I was fuming!
I texted back but I could see he was still asleep. I don’t think he went to Uni that morning at all cos I was running late for college and he was still out of it. I heard his phone make his message noise and knew it was from me. He didn’t stir. Then what happens? I see his door open and THAT GIRL comes strolling in like a bitch and starts rummaging around on his bedside table thingy. WTF?!!! I tried to call him. I heard his fucking phone ring and saw his hand groping round for it. It fell on the floor and SHE picked it up and rejected my call! OH. MY. FUCKING. GOD. I was like, what the ACTUAL fuck is going on here?
I kept ringing but he wasn’t responding. She left the room like a fucking bitch, and then I had to get off to college. BAD BAD day. At about 2 o’clock Lee called me to ask why he had so many missed calls from me, like was I ok? Hmmm NO!!!!!!!!!
He hasn’t heard my wrath before and I was BEYOND pissed off. When I get THAT mad, everything just starts to build up and I can’t see any sense in anything. In my head, he was obviously cheating on me cos SHE keeps stuff on his bedside table and sneaks in while he’s asleep etc. I didn’t stop to think that I see EVERYTHING in his room and if he was cheating I would surely see them both………in there. (I don’t want to imagine anything else going on between them in this scenario. I don’t do jealously very well AT ALL). I gave him so much shit, they must have been able to hear me shouting down the phone all the way down his street. Oh yes, Casey went BADASS. Not a pretty sight or sound in this case. The poor guy kept trying to butt in and explain but I wouldn’t let him. Of course I wouldn’t. I knew that he would soon get VERY fucking peeved with me, but I couldn’t stop ranting in his ear. Lee hates fights, verbal conflict, especially when clearly one person is a raving lunatic and the other is just sitting there like a twat listening and taking all the shit without being able to defend themselves. Oh dear.
I heard his go ‘Casey…… CASEY. If you don’t stop blasting me I am going to put the phone down.’
And then he did.
That made me even more crazed. Clearly he was also well pissed off with me by that point in time cos he didn’t ring me back and he turned off his Skype screen. It hasn’t been off since we started Skyping. I got a text about an hour later saying that when I had calmed down enough to listen I should call him, but he would not be calling me. I don’t think he realised how stubborn and bloody minded I can get. I vowed it would be days before I had calmed down. At one point I actually thought it would be NEVER. I was not going to call him back either. Oh no. This went on for 2 days!
Wednesday. I woke up feeling like I was about to hurl myself against a wall and knock myself unconscious. He hadn’t texted me or called. Skype was still down and even though I requested it and kept calling he wouldn’t put it back up. I resigned myself to the fact that I would have to make the phone call but by then it had been so long that it was all too much. Then I noticed he had emailed me!
I felt better until I actually read it. He started off calmly by explaining who the girl was. He had found out that it was the new girl in their house who had thought she was in someone else’s room. Apparently she is really nice and would never have done that had she realised. She was meant to have been in Annabelle’s room which is next to his. She didn’t know he had Skye on all the time and was really embarrassed when he asked around about it the day after I asked him. Annabelle had found her in there and simply laughed about it and shown her where her room was. (YEH that fucking bitch now as well…she KNEW I would see her in there! I bet she loved that! I wouldn’t be surprised if she had told this girl ON PURPOSE to go in Lee’s room just to get me wound up?!!) Nothing more said, she apologised, Lee being nice and easy going accepted it, they all get along great etc etc which left ME. That unreasonable, jealous cow. Oh yeh and she went back into the room cos she had left something in there…glasses or something, and Lee had told her to go in any time and get them. Why did she reject my calls? He said she had done it because Annabelle had told her not to wake me up cos she had found out that they had the morning off at Uni due to a lecturer being off sick. Hmmm.
So Casey is the turd.
Then he told me some ‘home truths ‘. His very words. I don’t really want to write them here as it upsets me to think about it. The fact that Lee thinks I am a self absorbed, unreasonable….oh well you get the message here. Needless to say he wasn’t too impressed by the undeniable fact that I couldn’t even be arsed to call him and listen to his side of the story. He was amazed and lost for words that I had left it this long. And ‘If this is how you behave when we have a disagreement or decide that I am cheating with no real proof then our relationship isn’t as great as I thought.’
That chestnut fucking hurt.
So I called. Awkward? Yep. Time for me to grovel? Yep. Was he the same Lee that I have known for 10 months? NO. But then again I hadn’t been the Casey he had known for 10 months either.
I apologised. I must love him cos I NEVER apologise.
So anyways we are ok now. He upset me a bit when he said that maybe we ought to switch off Skype when we are not in but no cos it’s really ace just looking at his unmade bed when he’s not there. Or looking to see what has moved since I was at college and he has gone back home and got ready for work… like his uni bag is on the bed and his art folders propped up against his desk. Cds that he has listened to. You know…stuff like that. This thing really scared me though. I have GOT to get a fucking grip on my anger. As he says to me all the time, ‘Look at the situation from all angles before you go accusing and shouting at people.’
The other situation this week. D’s girlfriend has gone apeshit at some text messages she found on his phone FROM ME. She visited him last week all the way from Serres in Greece and he said they were having an ace time until then. They have got the same phones and she picked his up by accident and saw an unopened message from me. Not knowing who I was, or not remembering (I am sure D has told her about me) she opened it. Now all I had put was ‘Hey, let me know when you’re on Skype tonight cos I miss your face’ and she went proper mental. Sounds a bit like me eh?
What I meant was that he always pulls this fucked up face at me when I mis-pronounce Greek words he is teaching me. It cracks me up. So you see, it could be construed as being flirty when it wasn’t meant to be AT ALL. Anyhow, he texted me and said that she was very unhappy about loads of stuff and they needed time to talk before she went back to Greece. It had all come to the surface apparently cos when he called me a few days later he said that it was all over. She had come to tell him she wanted to end it as she was tired of never seeing him and when they had chances to see each other in Greece, he was with his mates. He told me that yes, when he thought about it, it was true. He wasn’t really that committed to her so they decided she should go back the day after and they will remain friends but nothing more. He said the text message wasn’t really the reason they broke up, it was the catalyst. Poor D. He seems ok though. But you never know with him cos he hides his feelings. He is a very reserved guy and never seems to get emotional. Unlike Lee who wears his heart on his sleeve. They are different in that way. D is more like me. I guess it’s like, Lee is who I WANT to be like and D is who I AM like. Does that make sense?
I am really lucky to have two such great guys in my life, that’s for sure.
Oh must go. I am due for some Skyping. Lee is in his room!
Listening to this (A LOT!)
February 17, 2013
Lee want to a party with Annabelle last night. WHY DOES THIS WIND ME THE FUCK UP SO MUCH?
We talked for about an hour before he went out and he texted me at about 2:30am to see if I was awake. I wasn’t, FOR ONCE, but again at 4am he texted me and I was….so we talked. Good news! The girl, Eva, who works in a Gallery in London, told him at the party that she will be staying at the Halls anyway so she can do the rounds at night and in the morning for the whole week if needs be. YAY! So now, Lee has to have a word with the Landlord and get them to talk on the phone and for him to agree that he trusts Eva. He is doing that AS WE SPEAK. Pleeeeeeeeeeeease let it be ok!
Then he has to persuade his M&D that he needs to come back and for either his Dad or Mum to get time off work to go down and get him…or for his parents to fork out for the train. That’s going to be the difficulty. I can’t see his parents being happy about sending him £125 for the train if it’s only to be here for a few days. More likely his Dad will go and get him. In that case he has to take a day off work…that might not be until Wednesday or Thursday. Then we have to think of project stuff to collect so we make the whole thing genuine. Although apparently Annabelle thought my idea was really good and said she might put it forward as a real branch of the Community Arts thing!
FF sake I am going mad here! Mum keeps asking me what’s wrong and of course I can’t tell her! Kate has gone to France with her M&D for the whole week and Stella is with her ‘Pooch’ as she calls him.
So what else has been going on. I did some research about Paranormal Investigating, but found out nothing I don’t already know. I want to get a dictaphone first to record any voices, or the correct name, EVPs, in my room. A few times lately, I have been awake during the night and heard that girl’s voice in my ear. ‘Mum, is that you?’ and then there has always been a shadow near the door that moves across towards the bathroom. Weirdly, I usually have my earphones in as well, so how the heck?
Yeh, so this half term is all up in the air at the moment. My Dad asked me if I’d like to go to Greece, but it means him taking time off from the surgery when there’s a lot of lurgie going around. He has been really busy with house calls. Besides, if I went there for a week, which would be frickin awesome btw, I wouldn’t get to see my boy. End of! There seems to be a chance, so Thessaloniki can wait…
Apart from Coursework and seeing Lee, I have started to plan my new spring wardrobe of hand made stuff. I am making patterns for tops like these:
They should be fairly easy. The first one is a normal top like a tshirt but with added lengths at the bottom. I have cut out around an existing tshirt and now I am attaching the long bits at the sides, gluing them like tabs so that I can just cut out 2 x sides as if it’s a complete piece.
The other one is just like a normal top again, but I am going to do some sketch ideas along the lines of owls, skeletons, butterflies etc and making card versions so I can lay them on the fabric and cut round them like a stencil.
It’s 3:55. Lee and me are skyping at 4 so I better wrap this up! Fingers crossed this works out else I’ll be as arsey as arse this half term………
- Love at My End (socyberty.com)