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August 16, 2015

I feel like I’m right back where I was a year ago, staring blankly at my laptop screen, thinking how to start writing, how to possibly convey all the turmoil going on inside me. But I’m not that girl anymore, am I? My attic room seems so childish and naive as I sit here, my old artwork strewn across the desk, remnants of my A Levels back in the Spring of last year when my whole life was stretching out its excited hand to pull me off over the horizon.

Yeh, so here I am, back ‘home’. Three weeks to go and I don’t even know if Lee’s gonna come back after the row we had yesterday. Shit….it makes me feel sick every time I think about it. It was the worst one yet, one where Lee doesn’t shout, which is when I know he’s raging. To be honest I didn’t think we’d come. I thought lee and I would end up staying in London all Summer. I have got my place at Uni to do a degree in 3D Design and Theatre. I should be happy, right? I would be if Lee hadn’t gone back to London last night to see fucking Chloe. To ‘get my head sorted’ he said.

To briefly (as possible) summarise. My Foundation year has been AMAZING, I mean I’ve made some great friends (still are friends) and I feel like my whole creative world has opened up for me. I know who I am artistically and where i want to go with it. That’s all perfect. It’s what happened in the Feral House that fucked everything up. Chloe wasn’t kidding when she gave it that name. I think it’s cursed.

Everything was hazy and crazy for the first few months. We would spend a lot of time in our room and no-one would disturb us, aside from Chloe’s weird humming in the next room with her meditation and Annabitch’s obvious loitering habit outside our door. (I knew when she was there. There was a black shadow under the door. We are on the top floor where the floors are all uneven and so there are gaping spaces under our door, Chloe’s door and the toilet door. I could see her. Pervo. Lee didn’t believe me so I just thought fuck it.) Then, I started to get the feeling that the others were giving Lee shit, especially Simon, because he started getting touchy when I suggested we go upstairs straight after our communal meal in the evening or after we’d all slouched on the sofas and vegged, nursing hangovers on a Saturday and Sunday. Excuses; I’ve got to talk to Simon about something, Chloe needs help with her Essay, Anna wants me to go to Sainsburys with her…just lameness. So I started going round to my mate Fern’s house after Uni to shake it all up a bit, you know, make Lee wonder where I was, make him feel sorry. I genuinely like Fern, by the way, she’s straight up, no shit and rebellious. We’d sit drinking coffee out of chipped mugs in her huge kitchen overlooking a wild garden that had started pushing its way in through the crack in the frame of the decrepit sliding doors. Then we’d start on the wine. She always had some in the house…there were empties lining up the floors and windowsills with every kind of candle you can imagine. She’s only got one other house mate and his name is Richard Wade. Wadey from kent.

Now this Wadey person at first didn’t really take much notice of us as we sat at the table smoking and heaving with drunken hysteria at 4 o’clock most afternoons. She said he kept himself to himself and seemed to prefer hanging out with his mates in the Hall of ‘Rez’. She was fine with it, more of the house to herself, but she admitted that he was funny and wished he’d be around more. As it happened, so did I.

He was (is) tall and lanky with long mousy- coloured hair that he sometimes wears up in a man-bun which shows the shaved underneath vulnerability of his neck. I could always hear him coming in cos he wore (wears!) dark red Docs with holes gaping at the sides so his feet make a farting noise as he walks. His grin was (is) infectious. He’s got kind green eyes and a nice nose. And he’s studying Sculpture. From the moment he told me that I couldn’t stop staring at his hands, his long boney fingers, imagining scenes from Ghost. Sad cow.

I flirted a lot with him those first few days. I couldn’t help it. lee had started spending more and more time with his mates, so I thought myself perfectly justified in hanging out with mine. The only thing I didn’t admit readily was that I didn’t just want to be friends with Wadey. So anyway, one evening he came in early, we hadn’t even started wining it up yet. He asked us if we wanted to go out, his band was playing in a club in Brixton. So we did. I called Lee and asked him if he’d like to come, (just to be nice, I knew he wouldn’t) and said I’d be home later. Anyways, we had a right laugh with Wades and his band was cool. We got to stand right at the front and he kept looking at me through the haze of light and smiling. Fern was taking the piss out of me. I was glad she hadn’t met Lee cos she probs would have been lecturing me about how I shouldn’t be cheating on such a lovely guy. Yeh, I know………

So at the end, we waited until he’d packed up and he suggested going to the Halls and hanging out with the others. Fern had never been so we said ok. I texted Lee like a good girlfriend and told him not to bother waiting up. ‘Have fun babes and take care.’ he answered. Why can’t he ever be fucking jealous?

So off we went in a cab. The Rez was pounding when we got there and there were people everywhere. Good music was playing and I was well in the mood to dance and party, (we rarely do it in our house, boring twats the lot of them!) I can’t really remember much about the people I was introduced to, mainly cos I was stuck to Wades for dear life just wanting to talk to him. There were several painful segments whereby I remember sitting in corners and on the edge of beds, knocking back some sort of alcoholic beverage (having given up waiting for someone to come up to me and offer me top ups, I’d just gone on the search for any old half drunk plastic pint glass of whatever) while searching the area in vain for Wadesy. I lost Fern on many occasions and saw her a few times through my drunken wobbly brain, hanging around the neck of some short ass guy with Afro hair and a tie dye t-shirt down to his knees. I kept thinking every guy that smiled at me or bumped into me was Wadesy and then when the edge of the bed tipped dangerously near to the floor and I almost followed, I realised it really was Wadesy. He had crashed back on the bed laughing. I stared at his knees sticking up through his grey jeans for what seemed like ages, not knowing what to say. I forced my face to smile so at least if and when I did speak, I’d sound like I was having fun.

He asked me if I was ok. I said yes. He asked if I was having fun. I said yes. Then he asked me if I was tired. I was. I really really was. It was then I realised that the deafening hum of laughter and music had dyed down and the room was darker. I asked him what time it was and he didn’t answer for ages so I thought he was asleep. Where the hell was Fern? I asked him if he’s seen her, not expecting him to answer but he did. He said, yawning and stretching out his long body, that he had. She was asleep next door with Hayden. Yes, he said, the one with the crazy Afro.

Then he said it was 4am and I’d have to stay with him. With him? In this room, whose bed it belonged to was a mystery and could at any time walk in on us? No! It was one thing flirting, but sharing this single bed? Was this really what I wanted to do? Drunk? Wadesy was (is!) gorgeous but….I stood up and said I’d better go and could he tell me the number for a cab? He was a bit shocked but sat up and grabbed his phone from his back pocket and started dialling. I remembered mine and had a look, expecting there to be loads of missed calls but no. Not even a text. Thanks Lee.

He told the cabby where I wanted to go and sat there smiling at me. I was very tempted right there to just say fuck it, I’ll stay, but there was a nagging voice in the back of my mind…eating away at me. We walked down stairs, past people slumped in their doorways, some people cuddled up on communal sofas. soft music still echoing around. The big glass doors at the front exposed pre-dawn light that looked blue in the tint of the security doors. He stood there and I wanted to hug him.He was (is!) like a familiar old teddy bear from childhood, one that you used for comfort. That’s what he was, a comfort care bear. Then he hugged me. Cigarettes, floral laundry powder, musky deodorant and something else…something spicy enveloped me. He asked me if I’d be ok, I said yes. I asked him to come back with me to Fern’s but he said he’d promised to go with his mate Pikey in the morning to the Basketball Court for training so it was silly to go all the way back. He let me go and I dug around for my phone ready to give him my number (why? Because I just…I don’t know) and it was then I realised I hadn’t come in contact with my door keys. They usually pissed me off by jamming my hand as I delved into my bag for something. Then I felt my legs go as I realised the keys weren’t in my bag. I knew where they were as well. On the marble-top table in the hallway at home. Oh shit.

I told Wadesy and he hit his forehead with his palm. He grabbed my hand and lead me back towards the room. I didn’t have a choice, right?

Yay! Another weekend in London is on the cards and Lee wants me to go with Lisa. I brought the subject up last night with M&D and they were silent at first. Mum was washing pots and Dad sat there in the kitchen. Mum just turned round, glanced at me blankly and then at dad and said ‘ What do you think?’

Dad looked at me and sighed. I asked what the problem was, innocently of course, and he said there was nothing wrong, just that it was a long way to go for two days. I explained that Lee and Joel would come and stay over Thursday night and we would go Friday after college. I told them that Lisa was going and that she would stay in Lee’s room and I would be in with Chloe, Lee’s friend. Dad was like, ‘I hope you won’t be drinking and smoking all weekend’ and Mum just cut in and said ‘This is Lee we are talking about, Theo.’

I CAN GO!!!! My wonderful, sexy, mature, boyfriend swung the deal! They think light rays shine out of his ass, which they actually DO and that he is trustworthy enough to look after me. Dad phoned Lee’s Mum and she confirmed that she was fine with it as Lee is ‘extremely responsible and protective of Lisa as he is of Casey.’ Ha!

I’M FUCKING GOING TO LONDON!! Lee is totally made up and his cheeky, grinning face on Skype has just FLAWED me!

Too excited to fruckin write anymore. Plus I’ve got to get tons of college work done before Thursday…….cos the weekend is gonna be ONE BIG FAT MUTHAFUKING PARTY.

Well, more like me and Lee hibernating for two days in his room.  *SMILE*

So College is over til January. Yay. I have thrown my school bag into a corner of my room and intend to forget it til Lee goes to his Dad’s Boxing day. I can’t, just frickin CANNOT deal with it right now.

So I am playing the waiting game once again. Lee has been asked to please stay on in London and do some shifts in another pub and look after the student house, but he to come here beginning of the week so he gets time with me and his Mum before Christmas. I think Pops and Nan are coming here again. I spoke to my Greek Yiayia and Papous ON THE PHONE yesterday evening! What’s so amazing about that I hear you all yell. Well they don’t speak English and I have learned enough Greek to have a basic convo with them. Well chuffed.

Dimitri is on at me about meeting up before he goes back to Thessaloniki for Christmas. I would LOVE to meet up with him, but I must not forget that 1. I am still grounded like a fucking assclown and 2. He wants to climb inside my pantaloons, you get my drift. 3. I don’t know if I could resist that even though I love Lee. Weird shit going on between myself and these males in my life. Can’t figure it out.

Lisa has been calling around a lot. I told her about why I’m grounded and she swears not to tell her bro. I hate lying to him, but you know, I get so bored and lonely here all on my own. A bottle of red and a few rollies once in a while should be granted to me! Lisa smokes anyways….I have suggested she switch from Camels to Amber Leaf but she won’t. I can’t smoke Camels, fuck no. My chest will cave in.

Yeh so I am just waiting to find out when he’s coming. There was talk of Joel coming too, which would be ok I guess as I like the dude. Makes me laugh. I just need to spend time with Lee on our own, but I guess Joel and Lisa will be surgically joined at the hip (or groin area hahaha) anyways so that should be possible.

one worrying piece of news. Lisa told me that when she was in London, she got talking to Annabelle about her boyfriend and she told her that he is 10 years older than her and it’s like her parents have rented him to take care of her as he buys her all her stuff; clothes, makeup etc. She doesn’t love him and is trying to figure out how to break up with him as he has hit her before and threatened to crash the student house. She has slept in Lee’s room before as well. I didn’t see that! She is also scared that if she tells him to fuck off that her parents will disown her and she will have to survive on her own with no money. Bad luck. As long as she doesn’t try and latch onto lee as a boyfriend, I don’t care what she does. I mean, he is such a provider. Look what he does for his sister and Mum, working all hours to send money home as well as support himself on the miserly allowance his tool of a dad sends him.

Excited about the new novel I am working on with my Aunt. We share this Blog, so we can both work on each post before we publish. Hopefully we’ll get to work on more this holiday period and Lee will be able to help as well cos he has ace ideas for twisty tales of darkness!

Here’s the link to the blog:

http://thesilentangels.wordpress.com/

I also want to get all my clothes out of my ‘wardrobe’ (I don’t think there are hardly any clothes in my wardrobe, most are in piles on the floor right now hahaha) and see what I can do to revamp them. Lately I have just become a bit lazy with clothes, like for college I tend to wear black or grey skinnies with a dark blouse or maybe something like a band tshirt, a long cardigan,a scarf and Docs. Boring.

This is the kind of thing I am currently wearing:

For college:

casey college college casey long cardies like this

jacket

For going out (when I’m not grounded…)

casey now going out style

I would like to be wearing:

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I just want to look a bit more edgy but without having to spend HOURS getting ready…

I’m hungry. I’m going to Skype Lee for a bit before he goes to work (hopefully for the last shift) and then go cook summats. Tonight, chill out, watch American Horror Story and maybe The Conjuring again. Mum and Dad are still bluing out at me about the smoking. This could go on for AGES. I get to walk Chester, so I get some fresh air, but when Lee gets back I want to go into town with him and Lisa and go to some gigs, maybe go shopping with Lee, which we haven’t done yet EVER, and buy him something cool for Chrimbo.

Lisa brings me tobacco..haha up yours M&D. We are not best buds by far but I guess you could say we are getting along ok. I don’t trust easily and I find most people fuggin annoying, so we shall see. We get to talk about Lee when she comes round though, so that’s a good thing. Oh man I just hope this holiday is going to be a good one. I need some good times………..

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What’s up now!

November 10, 2013

Right then, I am determined to be positive all the way through this post. If I lie then I lie. Fuck it. (But I may have to put a bunch of foot notes at the end and admit some true shit!)

Ok so let’s start with my favourite subject, lee. Yeh so he finally backed down and created a Facebook page. I mean hell, is it THAT difficult?? Apparently so. I know I don’t spend much time on it either but it’s really nice to post stuff to each other, right? Well, yeh. It was cool to begin with but it’s kinda started to wear off. The novelty I mean. We Skype every day so what’s Facebook? That was his original argument and I contested it and now I hate to say I agree with him! Oh well. Anyone want to help me by making Facebook more interesting? Befriend me?

https://www.facebook.com/casey.papadaki

At least I badgered him into posting up a nice recent photo of himself. Wtf is his problem with his face? It’s THE most gorgeous face ON the Earth’s surface! What do you guys reck?

lee facebook

I caught him by surprise the day he left after half term. We were standing near the trees and the sun was peeking through the bare branches, illuminating him a bit. I had to lighten it a bit but it’s a good representation of Mr Chapman my lover!

I am pissed off this weekend (being positive has already become tedious!) because all his housemates are away and he’s there all on his own. We could set that place alight all alone this weekend! I’m glad Annabitch has gone. Apparently she is going through some counselling and has been cutting her arms. I feel bad for her (I suppose although not a LOT) cos her parents don’t give a shit, she’s only got this man-friend to fall back on (well, apart from Lee and she does that ALL the time) who beats up on her a lot. lee refuses to have him in their house so she goes off every so often to see him. Lee’s not happy about it and I know he loses sleep over her, but what can he do? He’s got his own family crap going on,even though his dad has started sending some money to his mum and Lisa, at last. Tool.

He’s going to be even busier soon cos he’s starting an Art Therapy course alongside his Fine Art degree. He wants to work with kids eventually which is cool I guess. I wouldn’t do that though, when I get my degree in Art I want to use it for something else like design. More money! lee isn’t like me in that. He reckons that money isn’t everything and we should use our talents to help other people. Ok,yeh. But I want to help myself have a good life as well!

Yep, I’m a selfish bitch! (That’s why me and Lee are great together. He’s the humanitarian and I’m the money grabber. We will be able to do great things hahaha! )

Dimitris is like me in that way. I’ve mentioned before how he and I are similar and we get on because of that, but sometimes hate each other as well! We went a week without Skyping or calling each other over half term because of one little comment I made and he took it all wrong. He is fiery and a bit judgemental like me (apparently, according to lee, very judgemental), and once he gets pissed off he can’t get through that feeling easily and so will retreat. I do the same and it drives Lee crazy as he just wants to talk everything out. I can’t and he gets pissed. I need time to heal Casey and then I come back and I can take the critique better. What’s up with that? Thing is lee takes offence, being hyper sensitive, and takes it all personally, whereas when me and Dimitri fight, we come back a few days later and laugh about it. Most of the time.

Yeh, so what about him? Well. He’s currently single AGAIN. He keeps saying that every time he gets with a new girl, he’s fine for a few weeks then he starts comparing her to me and subsequently dumps her. What can I say? I keep telling him how I feel, and it’s the truth. If I wasn’t with lee I would’ve been on the first train to Manchester months ago. We flirt a little, but I try not to let it go too far. he’s very gorgeous and attractive. We get on really well because we are so similar, but I am in love with Lee. Sometimes I DO think I might be in love with both of them, but I don’t think that’s possible.

Is it?

College is still SHIT. I refuse to discuss it on this Blog because it already permeates too much of my time as it is. I always have a rant about it to Lee anyway so no more about the boredom and doom that IS my crushingly dull 6th Form. Yuuk.

Musically I listen to my favourites on a regular basis, namely when I fall asleep; Nirvana, Paramore, Panic! At the disco, Pearl jam/Eddie vedder.

Other much-listened to-lately are Flyleaf, Slint, Yellowcard and Sick puppies. Here’s a particularly fucking awesome video and track I love:

and on finding this I have also found some full albums such as these: I have just discovered Hurt. Fucking screaming.

Anyways I digress!

Talking of Youtube, I have been watching some awesome Vlogs and stuff by a girl called Sarah Hawkinson, who has her own Youtube Channel. I like her game cos she’s a vegetarian, she loves Rock/Metal music, horror films and also has a pretty cool style. At the moment she’s got a particularly fetching shade of purple hair. Check her out here:

Lee is off to work now. 6 weeks til I see him at Christmas, although he MIGHT get back here sooner if he doesn’t need to work. Same old as far as the finances go cos he needs money now for this Art Therapy Module….. 

Oh yeh the gossip about Lisa and Joel! We had a great time and it ends up that those two are now an item but Lee’s Mum DOESNT know about it. Lisa thinks that she’ll freak, but Lee is all about the honesty again (oh man give it a break!) and keeps getting at Lisa to tell her. Saying that though, she has been on the phone to me most evenings going on about it in that she’s never gonna see him. Welcome to my World!!!! I do actually quite like her, but I feel a bit dubious about her newly found good style of being mildly goth and starting to listen to decent tunes. I know..I KNOW I shouldn’t judge and be shallow about appearances, but you can’t go from dancing around your living room to Lady Gaga and Britney ‘Speared’ to suddenly listening to Metallica! Morally WRONG! I will see…we talk a lot lately so I am giving her a chance. Lee would be stoked up if we got to be genuine friends. 

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I’m off to get food. Maybe back later but have got MOUNDS of work to get through later……………..oh and I MUST post those ghost pics I took with my Aunt! 

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Night 2

May 29, 2013

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My life.

Yesterday we spent the afternoon together in the woodland and old graveyard. Places we used to hang out when everything was new and we were happy. There’s a grey cloud hanging over everyone now, despite my utter contentment to be with him again, to be able to stare at him…his long black hair that now tucks behind his ears…his long dark eyelashes that cast spiky shadows on his cheeks. He looks tired and older now. Not the smiley Lee I once knew. How we have both grown up. How life has fucked us.

His mum and dad are fighting non stop. He is tired of being in the middle of it, trying to be the one with the voice of reason. He says the worst thing is that they were fine when they were scraping by and having to pull together as a family. Now his Dad has got this job it’s as if all their underlying problems and grievances with each other have surfaced and they can’t see through any of the good times or the fact that they survived before. His Dad has given up. Lisa is in her room all the time crying.

I think he’s angry with his Dad but is trying to see it from his angle. Poor Lee. His curse is his empathetic nature. If it were me I would stay well out of it and let them fight their own battles. But my M&D are different. I am different. I am not close to them, not like Lee is.

We walked endlessly through wind and showers of rain, holding hands and sometimes wrapping our arms round each other. I needed it, needed to be close to him cos the Lee who I knew before was still in there somewhere, buried deep down. Lee, my protector. Lee, who was always so there for me. Now I have to get used to the fact it’s not all about me anymore.

At about 6pm, Lisa called him. I could hear her desperate voice. She needed him to go home. I tried not to show my disappointment and walked on ahead so he wouldn’t see my eyes. He came up behind me and embraced me (he can pick me up off the floor easily, him being so tall and me being a short arse) and then turned me around and found my lips with his. Heat, swirling, blood boiling….and he apologised for being such a downer. I shrugged and said that it’s what he has to do and we have to face it. He held me close for ages with his hands in my hair before kissing my head and saying he had to go and see Lisa.

bear-hug-love-caring

I asked if I would see him later that night. He said maybe, depending on Lisa and the situation at home.

He didn’t come.

We talked for a good 2 hours on the phone about everything and that he wanted to stay at home with Lisa as she wasn’t sleeping and needed him to be there in case. Yeh I feel for her but I have been sleeping alone for 6 weeks. I need him too.

I was like this last night….laying on my bed staring at the ceiling. Knowing he was so near yet so far. I wanted so much to be hidden in his room. But there’s no tall old tree to climb up. Only Lee can do the climbing……

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So I woke up late this morning feeling like shit and it’s pouring with rain. It’s so quiet. I took Chester for a short walk but it started pissing it down so I brought him upstairs. M&D don’t like it but tough shit. They are not here anyways so they won’t know.

Rain Animated Gif

Can’t be arsed to do anything. Just listening to music. This track over and over again:

I am outside

And I’ve been waiting for the sun

And with my wide eyes

I’ve seen worlds that don’t belong
My mouth is dry

With words I cannot verbalize

Tell me why we live like this
Keep me safe inside

Your arms like towers

Tower over me, yeah
‘Cause we are broken

What must we do to restore

Our innocence

And oh, the promise we adored?

Give us life again

‘Cause we just wanna be whole
Lock the doors

‘Cause I’d like to capture this voice

That came to me tonight

So everyone will have a choice
And under red lights

I’ll show myself it wasn’t forged

We’re at war, we live like this
Keep me safe inside

Your arms like towers

Tower over me
‘Cause we are broken

What must we do to restore

Our innocence

And oh, the promise we adored?

Give us life again

‘Cause we just wanna be whole
Tower over me

Tower over me

And I’ll take the truth at any cost
‘Cause we are broken

What must we do to restore

Our innocence

And oh, the promise we adored?

Give us life again

‘Cause we just wanna be whole

Lee’s arms are my towers.

But I can’t feel their solidity right now.

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Oh man.

Where to start?

Firstly. Why the silly amount of time without blogging? Laziness. Depression. Being uninspired.

I feel like I am nowhere at the moment, (yeh like what’s new, right?) and I don’t know who to trust or what’s real.

I started spiralling down into this pit of dispair about a week ago when I found out that Lee’s Dad has been offered quite a good job. Great you would say, and you would be right, except that it has a knock on effect on my relationship with Lee. It’s in Leeds which is about 40 miles from here so I guess the whole family will be selling up and moving there. This poses a number of problems as me and Lee are only supposed to be friends so on his trips back home from Uni his home will no longer be here, (5 minutes walk from me….easily reached night and day…my window easily accessible by climbing the tree…) but 40 miles from here. How is he going to visit me? Ok he WILL be able to, but I can’t see our parents allowing us to sleep in the same room….it won’t be the same! Fucking SHIT it sucks so bad. I have been skyping with my beloved a bit more lately, another reason I haven’t been blogging, as he has cut down his hours. He was getting ill and was telling me that he couldn’t do uni projects through feeling so shit bagged. I told my Dad because Lee didn’t want to worry his M&D. Dad had a serious word with his Mum and cos his Dad has been offered this job they said he could stop working in the bar altogether if he wanted. I hope he does cos then I will get to see his sexy ass during Uni hols. Cos frankly my friends, this situation SUCKS fucking eggs. the last time I saw him was Easter for about a milli second!

Dim invited me to Manchester last weekend. I really wanted to go but of course Dad said no. Mum was all ready to let me but Nazi man put his booted foot down and said NEIN! Fuck’s sake. I would have been able to stay next to his room with a girl called Tamara, we have even skyped a few times and she’s pretty awesome. She is doing a Fashion Degree. TBH though, from what she has told me (out of earshot of D) he wants to be more than friends. This I kinda gathered, but he also seemed cool with the fact that I’m with Lee so it has never been an issue. I told her that I found him hugely attractive and I defo would agree to being more than buds with him if I wasn’t so fucking IN DESPERATE LOVE with that Mr. Chapman!

It’s hard for me cos they are both so different and I love each of their differences. For example, Lee is the opposite of me in many ways like he is really patient and considerate of how other people feel. I, on the other hand, am not. I can’t wait for stuff I want and most of the time I don’t give a sonic shit about how other people feel. I am an only child, maybe that has some baring on it, I dunno. Lee is always telling me off for being self absorbed. I know I am and he helps me see that. Dim is funny, flirty, outgoing and a bit laddy sometimes, again the opposite of lee. He knows he’s fucking gorgeous and loves girly attention. Lee doesn’t know how divine his ass is and would never dream of outwardly flirting with anyone. Like with me, he wanted to be ‘friends’ first and then cos it had gone to the best friends zone, didn’t want to jeopardise it. Not D. He wouldn’t think twice if I said I would break up with Lee for him. I know it.

Lee is serious. He knows a lot about stuff like conspiracy theories and things happening in the world that are unjust…he is a really deep thinker and philosophises and analyses. D does to a certain extent but won’t enter into deep discussions. He laughs at me when I tell him about the ghost girl in my bathroom for example and keeps taking the piss out of the fact I won’t go to McDonalds or eat any meat. Lee is with me all the way on the meat thing and would not dream of going into McDonald’s unless to bomb it most probably!

D is helping me explore my roots which is a vital part of my life at the moment and he is my link with Thessaloniki. He makes me laugh until my sides crease and he is full of mischief. OTOH Lee is my rock. I can say anything to him and not get laughed at if I am being serious. He is the nurturer and the caring, beautiful soul that I wish I was. I am more like D in my attitude in that we find emotion hard to show. We would rather sit alone and play loud music until our heads explode than talk it over or write poetry like Lee does.

So they are my boys.

Plus D has been outrageously floozing with loads of girls since splitting up with Popi. I am too much of a jealous nutter to tolerate his ways methinks!

So I get to talk to Lee on Skype most evenings now. I ache for him! I usually get to talk with D on Skype every other day and he’s out most nights til stupid o’clock so I don’t get to talk to him after about 9pm.

College is ok. I am getting pretty good grades but it’s all a bit shitty really and I don’t hang out with anyone now. Kate found another friend and for some reason chooses to ignore me now. She has started to wear silly clothes from Topshop and her hair is all…normal. Ewwwgh. Stella is ok, I talk to her probs three times a week. She has got yet another new boyfriend so guess what? Yep. Negated Casey!

I have been reading a LOT lately. These are ones worth mentioning:

*The Road by Cormac McCarthy.

Worth mentioning because there has been a lot of hype about it but I couldn’t really understand why. I enjoyed it and felt fucking sad at the end (no spoilers!) but the style didn’t appeal to me. It’s too short..I mean the sentences are short and abrupt and the dialogue confusing. Look at this:

‘They licked the spoons and tipped the bowls and drank the rich sweet syrup. They looked at each other.

One more.

I don’t want you to get sick.

I won’t get sick.’

Hmmf???? WTF? No. I can’t feel the characters in this writing style. There was no depth.

*The Elegance of the Hedgehog by Muriel Barbery.

I loved everything about this book!!!!

First of all it’s set in Paris. I love Paris. It describes the (secret) life of a Concierge (like a caretaker) and the people who live in this one apartment block. The other main character is a very intelligent and observant 12 year old called Paloma Josse who hates her life and her upper class parents and plans to commit suicide on her 13th birthday! Chapters of the book are written as her diary that she begins with titles like

‘Profound thought No.1

Follow the stars

In the Goldfish bowl

An end’

The whole book is amazing because the Concierge reads philosophy and Paloma writes about it…and they become friends.

I can’t recommend it enough! Read a review here:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2008/sep/14/fiction3

What I am reading now…..*The Prisoner of Heaven by Carlos Ruiz Zafon

Oh! I LOVE his books! I have already read The Shadow of the Wind and Angel’s Game and this is number 3 in the series. It’s gothic, it’s dark and it’s ghostly! All the books are set in Barcelona and have the same main characters. The plots are a little woven together as well which I love.

‘For Fermin Romero De Torres,

who came back from among the dead

and holds the key to the future.

13’

Read more about Carlos Ruiz Zafon here:

http://www.carlosruizzafon.co.uk/

Here is The Angel’s Game which I think is the best one:

http://www.carlosruizzafon.co.uk/theangelsgame.html

The next book I am going to read is *The Taker by Alma Katsu

The tag line is ‘An immortal love story’ so it’s either going to be a bag of shite or really great!

Here are some reviews, a mixed bag from what I can gather….

http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/7766064-the-taker#other_reviews

I will let you guys know on that one…but it does say ‘The Taker is a story of mystery, passion, unreturned tragic love, and the paranormal. It’s sort of adult dark tale with goth elements, paranormal romance and historical fiction.
This book is cleverly constructed and has a few stories within a story, it’s very well written – compelling characters, and intricately detailed.
The brilliant Alma Katsu is definitely an author to watch out for in the future!
If you are looking for a fantastic, brutal, heartbreaking and magical story, read THE TAKER.’

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Next up…oh actually no. I will stop rambling and post some charity shops finds and some good youtube viewings on my next post. Oh and some DVDs I have enjoyed lately. I have to talk to Lee sexy Lee now!

Laters……

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1. The internet.

We have only just got our connection back after a week! It went down on Sunday and Dad wasn’t ready to phone up BT anytime soon. I was so pissed off. They don’t really use it, it was bought for me really and so they don’t think it’s a priority. I tried to tell them that I need it. I DO! I love Youtube, I love my Blog for ranting and sobbing on and I love surfing for alternative lifestyle info and creative ideas. And what a time to go down! When I wanted to shout it out to the world. LEE IS MY BOYFRIEND!!!!! 🙂

2. My parents at being Human Beings. I really thought we had improved on our relationship since all that stuff over summer but NO. They are becoming more and more like freedom nazis and stricter and stricter. I will soon have to inform them when I want to take a shit.

3. Playing in cool with Lee. Oh this is just precious! (Did I mention that he is now my BOYFRIEND?!!)

4. Getting Christmas project work in on time. But I don’t give a flying frick.

Back to Lee.

Yes, so Lee has GONE back to London. BUT……………He is my boyfriend! Yes, you read it. B.O.Y.F.R.I.E.N.D!!!

BOYFRIEND!!!! 

Perhaps I didn’t mention that!??

Ssshhh because NO ONE knows. If my M&D or HIS find out we are friggin in the shit right up to our necks.

This poses a few (million) problems, as Lee explained to me, but I really didn’t and still don’t give a shit. We are together and I couldn’t be happier! (Well except if we were actually together………)

So, back to the story. Mum walked in on our ’embrace’ and the fact that I launched myself at him and had him pinned him to the door frame kinda looked suspicious. We jumped apart but the damage was done as it was written all over our faces. Well, he was beaming and as red as a beetroot so I guess I was as well. My mum stood there for what seemed like ages and then just said. ‘Casey, go upstairs. Lee, I think you should be going now.’

He smiled the most beautiful smile and I just melted. I heard Mum tell me again to go upstairs and I went. Like a zombie. A few minutes later she appeared and sat on my bed. I was sitting at my art desk with my back to her, trying not to say something bitchy. She then asked me to tell her what was going on between me and Lee. I calmly said nothing…which was true at that point. (I managed to make it seem that way in my head as we hadn’t done anything. Well, not since New Year.) She got really mad then. She went on about how he was a MAN and I was only 17…I tried to talk over her calmly and say it was only 2 years difference but she was just going for it. I let her. I stayed with my back to her and tried to shut it all out. I didn’t want to provoke it and make her ground me or stop us from seeing each other, but I also couldn’t stand to hear her condescending me and treating me like a child. So I just said:

‘There’s nothing going on between Lee and me.’

And pretended to draw. It seemed like hours until she got up, said ‘Ok then. But if I ever find out you’re lying to me there will be serious repercussions,’ and left the room.

Poor Stella had been hiding in the bathroom and came out, grinning like a dork. I was really glad she was there.

I called Lee. I told him what had happened. That was when he said that we had no choice but to keep it all secret. Then he said that Annabelle had arrived and everything kind of went flat. The adrenalin I had been experiencing turned from a pleasant electrical fuzz called excitement to a dull pumping of jealousy. I asked him when we could see each other and he said that he had to spend the day with Annabelle, she needed to talk, and then he would see if she was up to meeting me. Was I up to meeting her though? Nope. I just wanted him all to myself after all this, we were finally moving on, yet SHE had got between us. I really didn’t want to see her that day, or the day after that either for that matter.

But then I didn’t want her to be with Lee, my Lee, in his house….I wanted to somehow put my mark on it, mark my territory if you like, a bit like cats do. Yeh, I’m a cat. And I can scratch……….

What happened between Annabelle and me? I will write about that next time. Right now I have to get some College work done. And stop fantasising about Lee…and Annabelle with Lee……..Lee, Lee, Lee……

My Lee! 🙂

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and it’s snowing!

snow

He said we should ‘let the dust settle’ and then approach my parents about it.

We have been acting as best buds since then. I am a fucking good actress! He is too, worst luck. He is acting differently towards me though, I can feel it. He stares at me a lot as well. We are sat watching a DVD and he’ll look over at me. I don’t look directly at him, just pretend to be watching the film to see how long he looks for. It’s longer than ever and it’s more than friendly. I look up and he snaps out of some daze and smiles at me as if to say, Jesus this is so difficult. TELL ME ABOUT IT!

We did go out for a walk in the fresh evening air last night. Mum and Dad were out and they had a little (humiliating) chat to me before they went saying that they ‘trusted’ me not to fool around (their choice of wording!) with Lee in my room and to be mature about the situation. Hmm. What could I do? I was pleased that they were allowing Lee in the house when they weren’t there to stick their beaks in, so I shut up and put up. It was really nice, though.

We walked with Chester to the woodland where we used to spend time in Summer. We just talked about family mostly to start with and then Lee brought the subject of Annabelle up. She’s coming on 2nd January for 3 days. Fucking cool. Not. He told me that she has been having a lot of problems with her (much older) boyfriend who she has been with since she was 16. She’s now 20. Apparently he has been hitting her, which is shit. He has tried to get her to break up with him but so far she can’t seem to find the strength. Her parents don’t believe her (wtf?) and they worship the ground he stands on for some reason so she wants to come and stay here with Lee for a few days for a break. She will be in the spare room, I asked him. Fuck I am so jealous even though he insists they are just good friends. Oh, and she is looking forward to meeting me. Yeh, I bet. So she can laugh at me being young and silly, being grounded by my parents! Jesus. Will this nightmare ever end?

I tried to sound excited by the prospect of meeting her, but it was so hard. I wanted to cry actually. Yes, Casey Cry? Woah.

Anyhow. We had a weird experience with Chester as he managed to get off the lead. God knows how, I still don’t get it. We chased him through the dark. He totally ran off the little shit. So we were hacking our way through bushes and stuff when I fell and landed right on Lee. I won’t pretend, I really enjoyed it cos his body got kinda trapped against a tree and I was like, whoops sorry! I could just see his face in the shadowy light and he was smiling. I couldn’t help myself, I just wanted to kiss him so badly. I couldn’t control my face and it went really near his. I heard him go ‘Case’ and then I was vaguely aware of his hands on my shoulders…was he pushing me away? I don’t know but I chose to totally ignore it. I felt his nose on my cheeks all warm and felt his breath. He is tall and my neck was stretching. I was balancing on the balls of my feet and my calves were pulling like crazy. Then my lips kinda collided with his and it was like a hot bolt going right through me. Oh man…it was very short but I can still feel it, right now. Deliciously soft and warm. I have been over and over this moment in my head a gazillion times since it happened…

It was only a split second of bliss and he had gently pushed my shoulders away. He was looking at me but I was swooning and I couldn’t focus on reality for a few seconds after. He then said ‘Oh my God.’ and carried on staring. The next thing he was doing was holding me in an amazing hug, both of us with branches and leaves sticking in our sides and faces. It was amazing.

He then said (after what seemed like hours to me) ‘Come on, let’s find Chester.’ and we clambered out of the bushes. There he was just sitting there wagging his tail. As if he had planned it. (Chester, not Lee hahaha).

So we started walking. Neither of us really knew where, we were just putting one foot in front of the other. We are never stuck for words and we never have awkward silences, but we had a bit of one then. I was looking up at him every so often, trying to read what he was thinking and feeling without making him feel claustrophobic. I hate it when people do that to me, staring, expecting me to speak. I was subtle and kept walking, my heart thumping in my chest and my legs still all jellish. Then he goes:

‘Casey. I really like you. Honestly I do. I have liked you as more than a mate since I met you but I didn’t know how to approach it.’

That was when I couldn’t open my hole and speak.

Silence.

We had both stopped walking and Lee was digging his shoes into the mud and looking at the floor.

I don’t remember what I said exactly but I told him, with my heart in my frickin mouth, that I felt the same and what were we going to do?

Then he said this.

‘We can’t do anything right now, I told you.’

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

More later. Mum’s calling me. I think Lee’s here…………..

 

 

 

 

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I can wait because I know he feels something for me

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I will enjoy myself, stop wallowing in my misery, make every moment count with him and smile. Before I know it he will be gone again

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amen

It’s done!

I just dried it and it looks awesome. I haven’t straightened it yet but this is what it looks like:

images (72)

That’s exciting! I feel better already. More rebellious, weirder…less of a sheep!

Mum can freak out as much as she likes in the morning (and she really will!) but by the time she sees it, it’ll be too late! Ha!

So, Lee just called me. I think Lisa must have told him that I’m acting weird because he never usually calls til around 10pm. It was 8:00. He started out by begging me to send him a pic of my hair…which I will…*smile* and then he said that he wanted to talk to me about…..ANNABELLE. I won’t pretend, I almost had a heart attack right there but tried to keep my voice as normal as a squeaky mouse could be.

He said that he was sorry Lisa had got to tell me before he did and that he meant to tell me himself and he felt bad. That was the least of my concerns, but anyway. He then said that she might be coming to spend a few days with him over New Year to help with a group project they have to do. I thought I was going to die of fucking relief! Apparently there’s 5 of them in the group and it’s for a community project, but the other three live way down south and can’t meet up. They are going to do their bits and then discuss it over Skype, but they might have to go back a bit early to London to finalise it before the project starts in January. So it’s not a social visit?

I was so light headed that I went and spurted out that I had hideous visions of me being a gooseberry to them all over Christmas and new year. He went quiet for a few seconds and then kind of laughed and said no, he wanted to spend the holiday with me.

Yeeeees.

I then said something lame like ‘So she’s not your girlfriend?’ and again he coughed and cleared his throat (I hadn’t notice him do that before) and he goes ‘No Case. She’s just a friend. Really. I want you to know that. I’m not interested in anyone else.’

WHAT THE FUCK does that mean?????????????????

I was so relieved to know that there was nothing happening between them and he didn’t want there to be, that I didn’t really register in my love infested brain what he had said and the connotations of it. Until we had come off the phone, that is. TYPICAL.

I feel like ringing him back NOW but really, what would I say? ‘Oh Lee about what you said before’ and QUOTE the guy? Er..no.

in anyone else ………that’s what he said.

that implies there’s someone else……and the only ‘else’ would be me seeing as he was talking to me.

Oh God, Goddess, Buddha……PLEASE let it be true!

Lisa said that he was talking about me in that way before he left for uni, just before we became friends. So what changed? Maybe he is waiting to see what I say to him, because let’s face it I was a prize bitch to him over summer. He probably feels vulnerable, not knowing whether I can be trusted as a girlfriend. I would think the same if I had met myself under those circumstances of utter hostility. Stupid cow that I am, not being able to see what was right under my nose. Ok Ok. So I wait more. Christmas is only a few weeks away now and although it’s unbearable, I have to ride it out without making a complete tit of myself before I see him again.

I have to think of small hints though. Maybe he’ll start being a bit bolder and we might get somewhere………

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