White noise

September 4, 2015

I am still here, in my boxroom. The house is so quiet for a Friday night. I can usually hear Simon’s dull roar of grunge metal booming out of his room, Annabelle’s droney death metal and Chloe’s fairy hippie starlight folk tunes. If I stop typing all I can hear is cars trailing past on Hewerdean Road and people walking past, talking too fast, probably on their way out to the pub. I’ve got another week til I start my BA Course in Technical Theatre Arts at Guildhall. 15th September. What am I going to do if this shit isn’t sorted by then?

I miss Richard for his silliness and how he brought fun to everything.

I miss Lee for his safety, warmth and just cos he knows me better than I know myelf.

I miss Simon for being the person I aspire to be. The one who needs new experiences, the one who seeks out adventure and things that make life interesting even if those things are painful. He’s alive and real. he doesn’t pretend. I’ve seen him yell like a banshee at Chloe when she goes on about how beautiful the world is….I’ve heard him go on to Anna about how she should fuck everyone off who gives her shit about her sexuality. Simon says it how it is. He doesn’t disguise the human state. He never gets embarrassed. He never apologises for his likes, preferences, opinions, selfish actions or his need to know..mostly things that people won’t admit to. It’s like he’s a researcher of human behaviours and thoughts. If you say the word ‘normal’ he starts on you about the fact that NOTHING is normal, it doesn’t exist. Like, he says if someone dares say ‘it’s not normal’ in front of him, he’ll get a smack in the gob. I really like Simon. He has said a lot of stuff to me that I wouldn’t have taken from anyone else. I have taken it because underneath, he’s how I want to be. Lee is all about honesty too and I think that that’s why they love each other so much….but Lee can’t bear to see people hurt. He would gladly sacrifice his own happiness and comfort to make others happy. He is always saying I should think about how my words are going to affect someone before I speak. Thinks of other people’s feelings. Simon doesn’t. He said to me once that we are all owners of our own feelings and we should know ourselves well enough to be strong and take other people’s criticisms with a smile. He believes in tough love, just like Lee does, but it’s the delivery that’s different.

Oh my God. I want to text Simon. Hackney is not so far away. I want to meet him in a dark corner pub somewhere and talk about life.

But I also want to feel Lee’s arms around me. Comfort and safety.

it’s raining again. I can hear voices downstairs. Laughter. Maybe it’s Anna and Lou. Chloe’s not laughing because she’s pissed with me, hurting her Lee. Joel is out with Lisa, she came for the weekend as she does. Lee is in our room, I can hear him occasionally strumming on his guitar and abruptly stopping….he’s not good. He came back and knocked on my door a while ago saying that he’d made me some pasta with veggie sauce, and mine was on the hob. I haven’t been down to get it. I’m not hungry. I could do with a bottle of wine though………

This room is too small, like a hole. I feel like I’m in prison.

Oh another text message:

Casey, how are you? Please reply. Lee won’t talk and I’m home alone here, my bro out with his girlfriend. Get on tube and come. x

Should I?

This was the point of the conversation last night when I realised I’m a fucking lame person and don’t even deserve to have Lee as a boyfriend. I think we’re over.

I am sitting in the living room on my own. Anna has been in, Chloe and Joel but no Simon and no Lee. I don’t even know how this whole shabang-fuck started, only that one minute I thought my life was a mess but sortable and the next, literally within that space of time when I ate a snack and they came in, it was irretrievably shredded beyond recognition.

Simon must have told Lee we slept together.

Mr Truth has spoken. I mean we can all sit there and fucking go ”Honesty is the best policy…..we learn from our mistakes….” blarg blarg, but when it comes to it, do we REALLY tell the truth? NO! Except Simon does, obviously. What MOTIVE has he got for doing this? He told me after we’d indulged in our mutual lust that he felt better, he’d ‘got it out of his system’ and no one ever needed to find out. I was very ok with that, especially after being ragged on about Richard. Lee took that so well, but I doubted that shagging his best mate in OUR bed would have the same zen effect! I was so right.

So yesterday they (Lee & Si) walked into the kitchen where I was perched precariously on a bar stool, me in my pyjama bottoms with stupid red hearts all over them and rips in them..feeling battered enough, but Lee’s face looked like it had been hit with a lead shovel. his eyes were wide like he was in shock, (well he was I guess), and Simon skulked off upstairs, the fucking yellow coward. He pushed the bags of food onto the counter top and stood there with his back to me for ages, not speaking or moving. When Lee doesn’t speak, you know something catastrophic has happened. I asked what was up and he didn’t move, but I could tell he kept rubbing his hands on his eyes. I think he was crying.

He turned eventually and grabbed my hand, leading me too fast up the two flights. I needed my inhaler when I got to the bedroom and he just swiped his hand towards me as if to say hurry up and just inhale. I did, trying to drag it out. I wanted to get my thoughts together. Rows with Lee are never just structureless yell-fests, they are like university professors having a debate over a midnight brandy.

Then he asked it. “Have you slept with anyone else apart from Richard?”

I retaliated immediately, which was stupid cos it made it obvious I was on the defence.

“I didn’t sleep with Richard.”

I sounded like I was trying to gain points, I could feel my mouth smiling at him as if I had won. I knew it wasn’t a competition but I am childish and puerile. I haven’t learned a single fucking thing from being with him for two years. idiot.

He told me not to be so clever. That he was hurt beyond pain. A kiss and a grope was one thing, but sleeping together?

I decided there and then that I would just deny everything. My usual tack. My usual selfish approach to relationship issue solving. Bravo.

“No I haven’t, Lee. Why would I?”

He then LAUGHED.

“Ok, Casey.” he said, shaking his head in disbelief. I honestly thought this was all a joke and he’d go “GOT YA!” and attack my ribs with his guitar strumming fingers like he always did when he’d managed to verbally prank me. But he sat down on the bed and put his head in his hands. I was appalled when I noticed he was rocking slightly too. I wanted to run but my legs wouldn’t move. My feet felt like molten lead in the carpet.

“Look, I know you have. Please just let’s be honest about this or we can’t get past it, ever. For ONCE in our relationship, admit you fucked up! It’s not hard, I mean I already know. Just say it!”

He was really pissed.

I shook my head and adopted the best astonished and ‘how could you even think I’d do that to you’ face. As if I had the right to be offended.

“How do you know? Who told you?”

Childish Casey. What was the point of that? As if it mattered who told him. He was asking a question, he was begging for honesty and I couldn’t do it. It was because I didn’t want us to split up. I love him.

But it’s not going to keep him loving me either is it? Either way I lose. Might as well have just said it……..

“I didn’t Lee. I love you.

“Then why are you lying, AGAIN?”

“I’m not, I’m telling you Richard was a mistake! There was only ever him, now it’s over, I told you that! Please Lee!”

I was shouting louder than ten decibels of Lee. And I was the one in the wrong. I was being so transparent, I knew I was pushing our love over the edge of the suicide cliff, but I couldn’t stop.

Lee was staring at his converses. Silence pervaded. The room closed in on me.

“if you are lying to me, we are so over. Please think long and hard about this Casey. I love you so much. We have been through so much. Don’t let us go, please don’t.”

Silence again.

I could have just admitted it. He was more or less telling me that he might be able to forgive. A voice in my head was going, ‘Tell him about Simon, be strong, be brave, be like Simon. BE TRUE TO YOURSELF.’ We had things to discuss, I wasn’t happy…this could be the pivotal point that projected us into a higher realm of contentment and closeness….and I wanted that, deep down I knew I loved Lee…the others were flings, lust versus love. Or did I really want to stay with Lee, domestic bliss, babies, marriage? Maybe Simon is the one? Excitement, new experiences, exploring boundaries of our dark sides, living in art…it made my heart sing. Had he told Lee because he wanted that with me? Had he begged Lee to let me go? Was he so sure that we were perfect together?

This thought was still swirling around my head and piercing my heart when Lee said it.

“So, I’ll ask you again…………”

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I’m here. I travelled back last night and didn’t get in til late. I couldn’t be arsed to talk to anyone so went straight to bed in ‘my’ room. I think it’s the first time ever that I’ve slept in it since I moved into the feral house with Lee and his friends.

Lee must have got up early because he kept rapping on my door wanting to get in. He wanted to talk, as ever. I just wanted to sleep and stayed there behind drawn curtains ’til about 3pm. I couldn’t hear any noises of laughing, music, guitars or TV when I crawled out of bed and when I crept downstairs to the kitchen to make black coffee, it was silent except for the wind whistling through the gap in the kitchen window (so the landlord hasn’t fixed it then!). The rain has been lashing since I woke up. Black clouds just hang there repressing everything. Back to Black.

My phone had got 15 missed calls and 5 texts off Lee when I checked it earlier, most of them begging to talk and the last one telling me he was going out with Simon to get some stuff for dinner. Now it’s got a further 5 missed calls. They must have stopped off somewhere else cos they’ve been hours. Fine by me. I can’t face Simon right now anyways. The vibe he gives me is so intense, it’s almost psychotic the way he looks at me, GLARES at me. I know from first hand experience, he’s no fickle guy. The one-nighter we had wasn’t intended to be that way, not by him at least. Maybe I should move out? No. I love this house with its rickety walls, weird decor and attc space where our room is. It’s like Fagin’s den…there’s a skylight in the ‘hall’ that doesn’t open and you can see pigeon feet tapping across it. You can see the sky through the rain puddle that collects there. It’s ace. I love the narrow stairway that goes up to our top floor and that you can’t pass anyone else on it, it’s too cramped.

How did he seriously think we’d go on together in his house under Lee’s nose? We all know exactly what each other’s up to here, no one can even take a dump without everyone marking down on the kitchen calender. I find Simon wildly attractive and I also loved being with Wadesy. I miss him a lot but promised Lee it was over……. but my dilemma is I love Lee, I mean I can’t imagine him not being in my life. What am I supposed to do?

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Lee is still in London with Chloe. He is being fine with me, which is more than I deserve after what I’ve done, but I just don’t get WHY he had to go there! He could have gone to his Dad in Leeds. But Chloe? I am deathly paranoid now because she did admit her feelings and he was genuinely shocked, but I sense that he has been thinking about things a lot lately and whether he would be happier with her. I mean he always spoke of her as his closest friend. They are very very similar in character, both quiet and introverted, but with fire in their bellies when they need it. She’s a Wiccan and Lee has always loved the Old Religions and Cultures. He’s more of a Buddhist though….but he finds her practices fascinating. They are both Sensitive to the point of ridiculous as well and they always retreated to one another when things got tough…Yes, he’d talk to me, but the difference was, Chloe could make him feel better whereas our relationship has always been one sided as though Lee is in it to save me. I never understood what he saw in me, what I ever brought to the table. Jesus, I’m depressed.

And then there’s the point that I have been making out with another guy for approximately 2 months behind Lee’s back. It doesn’t seem to salvage anything when I remind him that I didn’t sleep with him. Lee, being Lee has already forgiven me. He didn’t even get pissed, he just went quiet for a few days and then asked me why I needed to do that with another guy, was there something missing from our relationship? Did he not pay me enough attention? He made me want to scream…………..because this…this MARRIAGE like thing we’ve got is so fucking DULL! ‘let’s talk it through, let’s get to the root of the issue.’ NO I DON’T WANT TO, I JUST WANT TO LIVE! DO STUFF WITHOUT HAVING TO ANALYSE IT!

That’s why I slept with Simon i guess. I saw an Oscar Wilde quote scrawled on his bedroom wall one afternoon when we were sat in there, all of us, when the electric went out. Simon had candles and Lee and him jammed on guitars for hours until suddenly the lights came back on. Chloe and Anna were asleep. I noticed it then in the glare of the stark lamp on his bedside table:

“The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. Resist it, and your soul grows sick with longing for the things it has forbidden to itself, with desire for what its monstrous laws have made monstrous and unlawful.”

I became a little bit obsessive about Simon from that moment on as he was the answer to my longings. Little did I know he’d grown sick with longing for me. But that’s another blog post.

Finally, the ever-decreasing endless issue of KIDS that somehow won’t lie down and let us live in peace. I am 18 for fuck’s sake, not 38. Why does everything around us have to keep prodding and picking at that wound we made bleed when we first got together? The one where he says he wants kids and to be married by the time he’s 25…and I say I don’t care about marriage and I don’t want to sprog..there are enough kids in this world without homes and food…why add to it? I find the whole idea of childbirth repulsive and the thought of babies repugnant. I am not a mother! Chloe is though isn’t she.

Perfect.

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August 16, 2015

I feel like I’m right back where I was a year ago, staring blankly at my laptop screen, thinking how to start writing, how to possibly convey all the turmoil going on inside me. But I’m not that girl anymore, am I? My attic room seems so childish and naive as I sit here, my old artwork strewn across the desk, remnants of my A Levels back in the Spring of last year when my whole life was stretching out its excited hand to pull me off over the horizon.

Yeh, so here I am, back ‘home’. Three weeks to go and I don’t even know if Lee’s gonna come back after the row we had yesterday. Shit….it makes me feel sick every time I think about it. It was the worst one yet, one where Lee doesn’t shout, which is when I know he’s raging. To be honest I didn’t think we’d come. I thought lee and I would end up staying in London all Summer. I have got my place at Uni to do a degree in 3D Design and Theatre. I should be happy, right? I would be if Lee hadn’t gone back to London last night to see fucking Chloe. To ‘get my head sorted’ he said.

To briefly (as possible) summarise. My Foundation year has been AMAZING, I mean I’ve made some great friends (still are friends) and I feel like my whole creative world has opened up for me. I know who I am artistically and where i want to go with it. That’s all perfect. It’s what happened in the Feral House that fucked everything up. Chloe wasn’t kidding when she gave it that name. I think it’s cursed.

Everything was hazy and crazy for the first few months. We would spend a lot of time in our room and no-one would disturb us, aside from Chloe’s weird humming in the next room with her meditation and Annabitch’s obvious loitering habit outside our door. (I knew when she was there. There was a black shadow under the door. We are on the top floor where the floors are all uneven and so there are gaping spaces under our door, Chloe’s door and the toilet door. I could see her. Pervo. Lee didn’t believe me so I just thought fuck it.) Then, I started to get the feeling that the others were giving Lee shit, especially Simon, because he started getting touchy when I suggested we go upstairs straight after our communal meal in the evening or after we’d all slouched on the sofas and vegged, nursing hangovers on a Saturday and Sunday. Excuses; I’ve got to talk to Simon about something, Chloe needs help with her Essay, Anna wants me to go to Sainsburys with her…just lameness. So I started going round to my mate Fern’s house after Uni to shake it all up a bit, you know, make Lee wonder where I was, make him feel sorry. I genuinely like Fern, by the way, she’s straight up, no shit and rebellious. We’d sit drinking coffee out of chipped mugs in her huge kitchen overlooking a wild garden that had started pushing its way in through the crack in the frame of the decrepit sliding doors. Then we’d start on the wine. She always had some in the house…there were empties lining up the floors and windowsills with every kind of candle you can imagine. She’s only got one other house mate and his name is Richard Wade. Wadey from kent.

Now this Wadey person at first didn’t really take much notice of us as we sat at the table smoking and heaving with drunken hysteria at 4 o’clock most afternoons. She said he kept himself to himself and seemed to prefer hanging out with his mates in the Hall of ‘Rez’. She was fine with it, more of the house to herself, but she admitted that he was funny and wished he’d be around more. As it happened, so did I.

He was (is) tall and lanky with long mousy- coloured hair that he sometimes wears up in a man-bun which shows the shaved underneath vulnerability of his neck. I could always hear him coming in cos he wore (wears!) dark red Docs with holes gaping at the sides so his feet make a farting noise as he walks. His grin was (is) infectious. He’s got kind green eyes and a nice nose. And he’s studying Sculpture. From the moment he told me that I couldn’t stop staring at his hands, his long boney fingers, imagining scenes from Ghost. Sad cow.

I flirted a lot with him those first few days. I couldn’t help it. lee had started spending more and more time with his mates, so I thought myself perfectly justified in hanging out with mine. The only thing I didn’t admit readily was that I didn’t just want to be friends with Wadey. So anyway, one evening he came in early, we hadn’t even started wining it up yet. He asked us if we wanted to go out, his band was playing in a club in Brixton. So we did. I called Lee and asked him if he’d like to come, (just to be nice, I knew he wouldn’t) and said I’d be home later. Anyways, we had a right laugh with Wades and his band was cool. We got to stand right at the front and he kept looking at me through the haze of light and smiling. Fern was taking the piss out of me. I was glad she hadn’t met Lee cos she probs would have been lecturing me about how I shouldn’t be cheating on such a lovely guy. Yeh, I know………

So at the end, we waited until he’d packed up and he suggested going to the Halls and hanging out with the others. Fern had never been so we said ok. I texted Lee like a good girlfriend and told him not to bother waiting up. ‘Have fun babes and take care.’ he answered. Why can’t he ever be fucking jealous?

So off we went in a cab. The Rez was pounding when we got there and there were people everywhere. Good music was playing and I was well in the mood to dance and party, (we rarely do it in our house, boring twats the lot of them!) I can’t really remember much about the people I was introduced to, mainly cos I was stuck to Wades for dear life just wanting to talk to him. There were several painful segments whereby I remember sitting in corners and on the edge of beds, knocking back some sort of alcoholic beverage (having given up waiting for someone to come up to me and offer me top ups, I’d just gone on the search for any old half drunk plastic pint glass of whatever) while searching the area in vain for Wadesy. I lost Fern on many occasions and saw her a few times through my drunken wobbly brain, hanging around the neck of some short ass guy with Afro hair and a tie dye t-shirt down to his knees. I kept thinking every guy that smiled at me or bumped into me was Wadesy and then when the edge of the bed tipped dangerously near to the floor and I almost followed, I realised it really was Wadesy. He had crashed back on the bed laughing. I stared at his knees sticking up through his grey jeans for what seemed like ages, not knowing what to say. I forced my face to smile so at least if and when I did speak, I’d sound like I was having fun.

He asked me if I was ok. I said yes. He asked if I was having fun. I said yes. Then he asked me if I was tired. I was. I really really was. It was then I realised that the deafening hum of laughter and music had dyed down and the room was darker. I asked him what time it was and he didn’t answer for ages so I thought he was asleep. Where the hell was Fern? I asked him if he’s seen her, not expecting him to answer but he did. He said, yawning and stretching out his long body, that he had. She was asleep next door with Hayden. Yes, he said, the one with the crazy Afro.

Then he said it was 4am and I’d have to stay with him. With him? In this room, whose bed it belonged to was a mystery and could at any time walk in on us? No! It was one thing flirting, but sharing this single bed? Was this really what I wanted to do? Drunk? Wadesy was (is!) gorgeous but….I stood up and said I’d better go and could he tell me the number for a cab? He was a bit shocked but sat up and grabbed his phone from his back pocket and started dialling. I remembered mine and had a look, expecting there to be loads of missed calls but no. Not even a text. Thanks Lee.

He told the cabby where I wanted to go and sat there smiling at me. I was very tempted right there to just say fuck it, I’ll stay, but there was a nagging voice in the back of my mind…eating away at me. We walked down stairs, past people slumped in their doorways, some people cuddled up on communal sofas. soft music still echoing around. The big glass doors at the front exposed pre-dawn light that looked blue in the tint of the security doors. He stood there and I wanted to hug him.He was (is!) like a familiar old teddy bear from childhood, one that you used for comfort. That’s what he was, a comfort care bear. Then he hugged me. Cigarettes, floral laundry powder, musky deodorant and something else…something spicy enveloped me. He asked me if I’d be ok, I said yes. I asked him to come back with me to Fern’s but he said he’d promised to go with his mate Pikey in the morning to the Basketball Court for training so it was silly to go all the way back. He let me go and I dug around for my phone ready to give him my number (why? Because I just…I don’t know) and it was then I realised I hadn’t come in contact with my door keys. They usually pissed me off by jamming my hand as I delved into my bag for something. Then I felt my legs go as I realised the keys weren’t in my bag. I knew where they were as well. On the marble-top table in the hallway at home. Oh shit.

I told Wadesy and he hit his forehead with his palm. He grabbed my hand and lead me back towards the room. I didn’t have a choice, right?

My Aunt is here at the moment. It’s half term and that means I have a whole week of getting up late and lazing around. Except that I can’t because I’ve got an EXTORTIONATE amount of college work to do as well as fulfilling my ‘promise’ to Dad of working at the surgery in the mornings. Beginning bastard tomorrow. Goodbye lye ins……:(

So back to stuff. My Aunt is here, the cool one who I share my blog with. I don’t know why we still share it but it’s fine. Yeh I have been hanging out with her since Friday and we’ve been talking about a bunch of stuff including Mum and Dad. They really piss me off. I am living like a frickin hermit here. She agrees with me that life is shit-on-a-stick for a 17 year old..nearly 18, but the thing is what can I do when I’ve got another year of A levels to do…? She offered to give me a place to stay at hers with her boyfriend but I wouldn’t have my own space and it would be too far to travel to my 6th form. Plus the college near her doesn’t do my Theatre Studies A level so I wouldn’t be able to transfer there. You reckon my M&D would let me move away? Pfffffffffffffffff no fucking way while the moon is round…

The worst scenario right now is with Lee. Apart from the OBVIOUS that he’s NOT here and it’s half term, he and Annabelle are plotting stuff. Well, there are three of them, him, Annabitchface and Chloe who are buddies in the Halls of residence near his Uni. They are all on the Fine Art Course so they hang out etc. lee’s best mates are on the Film and Animation Course at the same Uni but they live in a house quite a long way from Lee. Now apparently there are two spare rooms in this house up for rent and Lee has suggested that to make the whole dealio cheaper, those three should move in with his buddies. There’s a huge room with two double beds in it and an en suit and another single room. Annafuckingslut wants her and Lee to live in there!!!!!!!

You absolute BITCH.

I mentioned that Chloe wanted to Skype with me, well she has been texting me while she gets her laptop so we have been getting to know each other. She can’t stand Annabellend either! She finds her arrogant, snobbish and nasty. Ha! She told me that A has a way with lee, like she behaves nice in front of him but as soon as he leaves or she’s not with him, she turns nasty. She, Chloe, has suggested to Lee that Annabelle has the single room and her and him share the big one. Thing is that A’s parents are rich and pay for everything. I reckon she’s got a credit card so she can buy anything she wants on them. It would make sense for her to have her own room so that Chloe can help lee out with the rent for their room. I don’t know Chloe that well, but I would rather he share with her than Annabelle. PLUS, Chloe has brilliantly pointed out that my parents would feel better about me sleeping in that shared room with her and Lee than just with lee. (As if Chloe would stay there though….no no no we have already discussed that as Chloe has got another flat that we can stay in or she can stay in! MY PARENT DON’T KNOW WE ARE TOGETHER so if I wanted to go to London it would be all above board! (in their eyes until I get there haha!) Plus they think that Annabelle is Lee’s girlfriend (makes puking gestures) so it’s all covered for future fun and games!

So yes. Where the sweet fuck is my beautiful, sexy boyfriend? Still in pigging London that’s where. WORKING. As usual I am the last person in his life to know what’s going on. As in the summer, he has to think about his job in the bar, his Mum and sister desperately missing him, his Dad, (who he is still properly raging at) wanting to see him and ME. Yes. His secret lover who remains in the background. FUCK. The last thing we spoke about was that he might be able to come here on Wednesday until Monday. Let’s fucking hope so.

I wish I could just pack a bag and go go go to London right NOW. Fuck college work and working for my Dad. But no. Sensible Casey says she needs driving lessons and to get her work done so she can finish college and get THE SWEET FUCK out of here…..that’s what being with Lee has done to me! I’m all about the sensible. Well, sometimes…….

………….until I talk to DIMITRIS! He is threatening to come here. He doesn’t want to go back to Greece this half term without me and says that he can’t stand it, he misses me and wants to meet up. My parents agree that he can..yes because his parents are friends with my Grand YIAYIA and PAPOUS! Can you believe this shit………..what do I do? If Lee doesn’t come and Lee does, i don’t know if I can trust myself to NOT do something nuts like kiss him or sleep with him. If Lee does come (please please any God or Goddess who is listening…) then how can I have two guys who I adore, for different reasons, in the same vicinity and feel ok about it?

Me to Lee: Yes so this is Dimitri who I met in Thessaloniki and lives next door to my Grandparents and goes to Manchester Uni and who I find monstrously attractive in the sense that he’s crazy, rebellious and free spirited…like you are not………….

Me to Dimitri: Yeh, so this is Lee who I fell head over heels in love with last year because he’s so cute, loving, loyal and sensible, all the stuff that you and I are not and that makes him my polar opposite…as well as being drop dead gorgeous and sexy, as he’s the one I lost my virginity to…..and would stick by me through WW3 unlike you Dimitri…..

*SHOCK*

Hmmmm………….

I am in a shitter of a dilemma. As usual. I will be back later. Right now me and Aunty S are going to cook our vegetarian roast dinner to eat with M&D.

Laterz ………..oh I will be up here with S drinking beer. At least for a few days we’ve got a car to go out in and go buy stuff………….just to breathe.

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This is my mantra. I HAVE to try and be more tolerant

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Yeh so I have been like, hugely busy over the last week. Loads of college work to do and at the weekend I stayed over at Kate’s house as she had a parteeee! I had a bit of an argument with Lee over that girl in the Skype photo…that was pretty ugly for a few days, and I bloody D’s split up with his girlfriend…what a week…

Ok. Kate had a party. I went over to hers on Saturday morning and we went into town. I wanted some new charity shop finds for the summer; Kate also likes trawling second hand rails, so we had a blast. I will post my ‘haul’ stuff in another blog. Decent!

The party was ok but not that many people from college turned up. It was a quiet one, a bit boring with not good music! Why do none of my so-called friends like rock and metal?? I’ll tell you who did turn up though. My EX boyfriend, bloody hell! He has gone really scruffy and looks dirty. Not that I mind scruffy but there’s a limit. He really looked like he had just been asleep in a dumpster. He got really trollied and tried to get off with me which I found hideous. He reeked of booze and fags and when he was talking to me he kept spitting. Kate threw him out in the end. Look how things go! He was once the heartbreaker of the college and now no one wants to speak to him or be around him. I felt a little bit sorry for him but then I thought back to all the shit he has given me and how he cheated openly..nah fuck him!

Anyways Sunday I had a raging hangover and got home at about 2pm. Did nothing for a few hours cos my head was like, internally bleeding, and then I tried to Skype Lee. I hadn’t really spoken to him much since Wednesday due to his shifts at the pub. We had managed a few late night chats but nothing like we used to have. Sunday we had just enough time to lay down with each other on our beds and pretend that we were really next to each other, just talking about our day and how much we loved each other…trying to figure out when we are gonna meet up next. (Unresolved). Then he had to go to work.

That girl. Well yeh..I asked him in a text message that night that I posted the snap shot, and he didn’t answer me. I stayed up til late that night on Skype to try and catch him when he got home but I must have fallen asleep cos I woke up next morning to a text going ‘I don’t know what girl you mean. What’s with you, Case?’

I was fuming!

I texted back but I could see he was still asleep. I don’t think he went to Uni that morning at all cos I was running late for college and he was still out of it. I heard his phone make his message noise and knew it was from me. He didn’t stir. Then what happens? I see his door open and THAT GIRL comes strolling in like a bitch and starts rummaging around on his bedside table thingy. WTF?!!! I tried to call him. I heard his fucking phone ring and saw his hand groping round for it. It fell on the floor and SHE picked it up and rejected my call! OH. MY. FUCKING. GOD. I was like, what the ACTUAL fuck is going on here?

I kept ringing but he wasn’t responding. She left the room like a fucking bitch, and then I had to get off to college. BAD BAD day. At about 2 o’clock Lee called me to ask why he had so many missed calls from me, like was I ok? Hmmm NO!!!!!!!!!

He hasn’t heard my wrath before and I was BEYOND pissed off. When I get THAT mad, everything just starts to build up and I can’t see any sense in anything. In my head, he was obviously cheating on me cos SHE keeps stuff on his bedside table and sneaks in while he’s asleep etc. I didn’t stop to think that I see EVERYTHING in his room and if he was cheating I would surely see them both………in there. (I don’t want to imagine anything else going on between them in this scenario. I don’t do jealously very well AT ALL). I gave him so much shit, they must have been able to hear me shouting down the phone all the way down his street. Oh yes, Casey went BADASS. Not a pretty sight or sound in this case. The poor guy kept trying to butt in and explain but I wouldn’t let him. Of course I wouldn’t. I knew that he would soon get VERY fucking peeved with me, but I couldn’t stop ranting in his ear. Lee hates fights, verbal conflict, especially when clearly one person is a raving lunatic and the other is just sitting there like a twat listening and taking all the shit without being able to defend themselves. Oh dear.

I heard his go ‘Casey…… CASEY. If you don’t stop blasting me I am going to put the phone down.’

And then he did.

That made me even more crazed. Clearly he was also well pissed off with me by that point in time cos he didn’t ring me back and he turned off his Skype screen. It hasn’t been off since we started Skyping. I got a text about an hour later saying that when I had calmed down enough to listen I should call him, but he would not be calling me. I don’t think he realised how stubborn and bloody minded I can get. I vowed it would be days before I had calmed down. At one point I actually thought it would be NEVER. I was not going to call him back either. Oh no. This went on for 2 days!

Wednesday. I woke up feeling like I was about to hurl myself against a wall and knock myself unconscious. He hadn’t texted me or called. Skype was still down and even though I requested it and kept calling he wouldn’t put it back up. I resigned myself to the fact that I would have to make the phone call but by then it had been so long that it was all too much. Then I noticed he had emailed me!

I felt better until I actually read it. He started off calmly by explaining who the girl was. He had found out that it was the new girl in their house who had thought she was in someone else’s room. Apparently she is really nice and would never have done that had she realised. She was meant to have been in Annabelle’s room which is next to his. She didn’t know he had Skye on all the time and was really embarrassed when he asked around about it the day after I asked him. Annabelle had found her in there and simply laughed about it and shown her where her room was. (YEH that fucking bitch now as well…she KNEW I would see her in there! I bet she loved that! I wouldn’t be surprised if she had told this girl ON PURPOSE to go in Lee’s room just to get me wound up?!!) Nothing more said, she apologised, Lee being nice and easy going accepted it, they all get along great etc etc which left ME. That unreasonable, jealous cow. Oh yeh and she went back into the room cos she had left something in there…glasses or something, and Lee had told her to go in any time and get them. Why did she reject my calls? He said she had done it because Annabelle had told her not to wake me up cos she had found out that they had the morning off at Uni due to a lecturer being off sick. Hmmm.

So Casey is the turd.

Then he told me some ‘home truths ‘. His very words. I don’t really want to write them here as it upsets me to think about it. The fact that Lee thinks I am a self absorbed, unreasonable….oh well you get the message here. Needless to say he wasn’t too impressed by the undeniable fact that I couldn’t even be arsed to call him and listen to his side of the story. He was amazed and lost for words that I had left it this long. And ‘If this is how you behave when we have a disagreement or decide that I am cheating with no real proof then our relationship isn’t as great as I thought.’

That chestnut fucking hurt.

So I called. Awkward? Yep. Time for me to grovel? Yep. Was he the same Lee that I have known for 10 months? NO. But then again I hadn’t been the Casey he had known for 10 months either.

I apologised. I must love him cos I NEVER apologise.

So anyways we are ok now. He upset me a bit when he said that maybe we ought to switch off Skype when we are not in but no cos it’s really ace just looking at his unmade bed when he’s not there. Or looking to see what has moved since I was at college and he has gone back home and got ready for work… like his uni bag is on the bed and his art folders propped up against his desk. Cds that he has listened to. You know…stuff like that. This thing really scared me though. I have GOT to get a fucking grip on my anger. As he says to me all the time, ‘Look at the situation from all angles before you go accusing and shouting at people.’

The other situation this week. D’s girlfriend has gone apeshit at some text messages she found on his phone FROM ME. She visited him last week all the way from Serres in Greece and he said they were having an ace time until then. They have got the same phones and she picked his up by accident and saw an unopened message from me. Not knowing who I was, or not remembering (I am sure D has told her about me) she opened it. Now all I had put was ‘Hey, let me know when you’re on Skype tonight cos I miss your face’ and she went proper mental. Sounds a bit like me eh?

What I meant was that he always pulls this fucked up face at me when I mis-pronounce Greek words he is teaching me. It cracks me up. So you see, it could be construed as being flirty when it wasn’t meant to be AT ALL. Anyhow, he texted me and said that she was very unhappy about loads of stuff and they needed time to talk before she went back to Greece. It had all come to the surface apparently cos when he called me a few days later he said that it was all over. She had come to tell him she wanted to end it as she was tired of never seeing him and when they had chances to see each other in Greece, he was with his mates. He told me that yes, when he thought about it, it was true. He wasn’t really that committed to her so they decided she should go back the day after and they will remain friends but nothing more. He said the text message wasn’t really the reason they broke up, it was the catalyst. Poor D. He seems ok though. But you never know with him cos he hides his feelings. He is a very reserved guy and never seems to get emotional. Unlike Lee who wears his heart on his sleeve. They are different in that way. D is more like me. I guess it’s like, Lee is who I WANT to be like and D is who I AM like. Does that make sense?

I am really lucky to have two such great guys in my life, that’s for sure.

Oh must go. I am due for some Skyping. Lee is in his room!

Listening to this (A LOT!)

Last night.

I had just Skyped with D and then got a huge urge to see if Lee was back yet. Saturday night he usually works til at least 1am but it was about that time so I swapped screen. I was shocked to see a girl in his room. I managed to take a shot of her. Here she is. Who the HELL is she? And WHY is she in Lee’s room at 1am and he’s NOT?

tumblr_lwhgrpBgWZ1qbqu46o1_1280 (2)

 

I have been back for…*working it out*…oh, a week! Jesus I didn’t even realise it was a week ago since I flung my bags and laptop down on my bed in my attic room and wanted to die of exhaustion and from the black cloud that was pouring freezing, blinding rain onto my shit life.

Yeh well. As you can probs work out, I am non too happy to be back in this dark, cold, rainy country where no one smiles. My only saving graces are the two men in my life who are here. Lee and Dimitris.

Basically (I hate people who say that but there, I said it and don’t give a fuck) I have been catching up on all my college work and Skyping lee and Dimitri. Nothing else. I miss Thessaloniki so much it hurts. I have been trying to work out a way to go and live there but Dad says that it’s impossible nowadays with the crisis and all that jazz. He says it isn’t even worth me studying there as there are no good Universities for Arts or Design and I would have to know Greek to like, an AMAZING standard to even be able to get by. And A levels probs wouldn’t count as a way in cos money apparently has more standing than exam results. In other words parents BRIBE the universities to take their kids on. Really now?!! No wonder Dad studied here.

But that doesn’t make me feel any better. I’m so utterly damn confused about everything.

Sometimes I wish I had never gone to Thessaloniki but then…no I don’t cos it was frickin awesome!

I even miss my little garconiera.

I miss Dimitri. We got up to some crap! The last two nights we stayed up on the balcony til 3am and I got royally pissed and then he took me for drives around the city and we went for some beers on the VERY last night but don’t tell M&D cos they forbade it. Well they should know not to forbid Casey cos she will do it. For sure.

Yeh so what about Lee?

I got to Skype with him a bit more when I got back but it was late. Like 2am til fall asleep on top of the laptop type of late. He is working so hard and I am deeply shitting myself about him. He never stops! He has got dark rings under his eyes every time I chat with him and he slurs his speech. I don’t think his M&D realise how many shifts he is working right now. I feel like going over there and telling them but I think they’ve got enough to worry about. Like his Dad finding a job! My M&D have been helping out a lot like making them food and Mum has been there to help her clean and do stuff around the house. That’s more for a friendly ear though I reckon. Lisa said he had an interview while we were away but didn’t get it after all that so that made him feel loads worse. Shit. Lee is sending money home I think as well.

I know he loves me but he hasn’t told me for ages now. I don’t want to stress him out with my shit so I tell Dimitri everything. We have grown close and I afraid that I’m spending more time talking with him than Lee. What can I do though? He is also having probs with his girlfriend so we are kinda consoling each other. I think he likes me more than mates but I can’t ‘entertain’ that thought right now. Why do things happen when you least NEED them to? He has said I can go stay with him in Manchester whenever I want but I think, and this is the plain fucking truth, we would end up doing something and I don’t want that shit on my shoulders as well. We came pretty close to kissing in the car when we got back on the last night and we had been to this cool as SHIT rock bar above an old indoor market place. (I can’t remember the name of it now). He was looking at me right in the eyes….IN the eyes and he said that he had had the best week with me and he would miss me loads. We hugged and..and…and…well you know. It was on the cards but we both kinda laughed it off and got out the car. Awkwardly.

I love Lee with all my heart. It’s just that Dimitri is different to any guy I have ever met. He is part of my roots, part of that part of me that I have just found. That beautiful city of light. It’s so so so magical. He IS that place and so therefore he IS me.

I haven’t said anything to Lee or him about how I feel. I do feel lucky to have them both in my life though. Of course I told Lee about him and he didn’t seem to mind..when I told him we were just friends. Are we though?

Anyway. He will probably sort stuff out with his girl and Lee’s Dad will find a job and everything will get back to normal. I will soon forget how empty I feel now and how amazing Greece is. I will be comfortably numb, sitting up here dreaming about the summer hols when I can see Lee. Everything will be great again when he comes here and we play the game of climb the tree to my room and sleep together til dawn. Except the fucking tree will have leaves on it then so it’ll be a bitch to climb up and down. Hahaha poor Lee!

Yes. Life will be good again. I hope……..

For now I will be playing Greek Rock music as recommended by Dim (or Jim as his English buds call him) and posting some more of my Thessaloniki pictures so I can stare at them some more. And weep.

Let it continue…..

Xilina Spathia (The wooden Swords)

Xartinos Ouranos (Paper Sky)

Pix Lax (Punch Kick)

Monaxia mou ola (My loneliness is everything)

Nikos Portokaloglou

Pou isouna fws mou (where were you, my light)

(btw I am trying to translate some of these songs with the help of D of course. That last one has beautifully dark lyrics about love and pain).

 

 

 

Oh my life. What a fortnight!

Just to say that it has been completely crazy.

Some bad shit has happened. Namely the worst being that Lee’s Dad has lost his job. I don’t know whether I’ve told you about Lee’s parents, but they are really nice people and don’t deserve this shit. Basically, Lee’s Pops left the house to Lee’s Dad many years ago as inheritance, but Lee told me that his Dad was taken ill and physically couldn’t work and they almost had to sell it and move away. That was a year ago. Now he has just lost his job again so they are in deep shit. There are NO jobs around here, we are out in the middle of fuckety-nowhere, and luckily for my Dad they needed a Doctor so here WE are. Not so great for them though. Lisa has been round here crying, saying that they will have to sell the house. She doesn’t want to leave here. Lee is really going out of his head with worry. He has seen his Dad almost go through a nervous break down and is concerned it might happen again. My Dad has been round there talking to his Dad and checking that he’s keeping positive.

The offset of this is that Lee has had to find a part time job in London to support himself. I didn’t see a lot of him for 3 days as he was going round people he knows asking about work. He has found a job in a pub. Not ideal, but I guess better than having to give up Uni altogether.

I am writing this as lee is getting ready to go back to London. I am beyond gutted right now. I expected to be spending my whole two weeks with him and it was going to be frickin awesome. We had been talking about it for ages, working out our plans for him climbing up to my window at night and all that. He has to work. End of.

And typically, my parents are NOT HERE now and we should have had the house to ourselves. They have gone to Greece to see my Dad’s M&D. Easter is a huge celebration out there and so they decided to go. They were pretty cool about me staying back here, although we had to go through the ‘Lee doesn’t sleep in your room under any circumstances’ bollocks. Of course he did, though!

So I am all over the place because I am going to Greece TOMORROW!!! My Gran and Pops are getting here in about an hour and tomorrow they are taking me to East Midlands Airport! I am well excited but I WANT TO BE WITH LEE.

My stuff is almost packed. Dad keeps calling me to check up on me and he has told me that it’s not that warm there so no swimsuits needed. Shame. It’s gonna be so cool! It will be weird to meet my Greek Yiayia and Papous (Granny and Grandad) and we won’t be able to talk much. I have learned kalimera, (good morning) hairetai, (nice to meet you) and ti kanete yiayia/papous (how are you doing gran/grandad).

So, here I am. Suitcase and contents strewn all over my room, Lee heading back here in about 10 minutes to say goodbye and then my Pops is arriving. Chester will go to Lee’s and Lisa will walk him. Oh man….I will write another blog but I don’t know when. I am obviously taking my laptop for skyping with Lee although Dad says Papous hasn’t got internet and Lee will be working til crap knows what time of the nights from now on.

Fuck my life.

Thessaloniki, please take my mind off all this…………..