So I got back home from college at about 4pm and as I always do, I grabbed a coffee from the kitchen and ran upstairs to get to talk with Lee on Skype before he goes to work at 5. But Skype was OFF.

As regular readers (if you exist) of my blog would know, we NEVER switch Skype off and we like to leave it on all the times, including when we sleep. Yes, it’s fucking lame in some people’s eyes, but to us it isn’t because we have to WAIT 6 weeks at a time to see each other in the flesh. Skype off? Fuck off, man. Something had to be very wrong.

I called Lee and he was just on the bus coming up to the stop near the house. I told him Skype was down and he laughed. I was like, NO the fucking thing is DOWN, and he said he would go investigate asap and call me if it was busted or something. 10 minutes later PING and it’s back and there he is, sitting at his desk. I was like, WTF? He said SOMEONE must have gone into his room and switched it off, but he couldn’t find anyone home. I know Chloe spends a lot of time in Lee’s room, but she doesn’t go in there without prior permission. Annabelle is not allowed in there. For this I don’t know, but I’m sure full of glee about it. They must have had words about something lately because for trusting Lee to forbid anyone in his room is unheard of. I think he has started locking it as well because I hear a lachy noise when I am sitting waiting for him and he comes in. None of them locked their doors before except Annabitch. She’s a fucked up mess.

I know it was her who switched Skype off. But why? What’s the damage, bitch? He’s just going to switch it back on you dumbskull.

Anyway we talked as usual and I asked him if it could have been Annabelle. He said possibly but he trusts her not to enter, they made a deal. Why? I ask. Because he gets tired of her invading his space and she follows him around the house. I KNEW IT! She SO wants him! I was a whole gigantic bunch of RIGHT when I suspected that. Fuck. She went in his room today and switched it off!

I then mentioned the fact that I think she’s in love with him and he was like, no case, she isn’t. WHAT? Men are so fucking naive! What the holy of holy fucks?!!!!

How can I prove that she went in his room? How? Help? Anyone?

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I have just found this. I am going to download it and record EVERYTHING. I will find out who is sabotaging our private time!

http://www.pamela.biz/en/

 

I’ll get straight to it, cyber friends.

1. I’m grounded. I pointed out to Dad that IT MAKES NO DIFFERENCE I feel like a prisoner here anyway.

2. Lisa went to LONDON. Yes, LONDON, the same city as Lee..and not only that but the same ROOM as Lee! More on that tragedy later. If I haven’t thrown myself out of my attic window before I get to the end of this rantblog.

3. Dad won’t let me have driving lessons. Because according to his warped sense of good parenting, being grounded includes not going out in a car. Fuck off!

4. My loving parents are threatening to make me move into one of the spare rooms. Hideous much? Bare this in mind: my attic room spans most of the length of the house. BIG. The guest room in question can fit a single bed in it and one chest of drawers. NO.

5. College sucks. I cannot even begin to explain how much it is sucking right now.

On Wednesdays evening Chester got out of the garden and started a bid for freedom down the lane towards the surgery. He has done this before but that was in the day and I found him after about a half hour. But at night there are no lights around which is bloody chuffing cool normally as it makes the whole area spooktastic, but for losing dogs…not cool.

So I leg it out the front door and trip over some random stupid ass box or rock or something and go flying arse over tit onto the driveway where Dad is pulling in. I am literally sprawled everywhere like I am doing angels in the gravel, and my bag has nose dived, opened up (that’s probably due to the fact I never zip the bastard thing up) and things have splayed out in his path. One of those items HAPPENED to be my tobacco. My trusty stash of Amber leaf. Yes, the rolling delight that I hardly ever smoke. Needless to say Dad picks it up and demands I find Chester and then get my self in the house for a ‘talk’. By talk, he always means ‘I will shout at you and not let you open your mouth in response, not even to defend yourself against my gross injustices, because I am older than you therefore assume that I am right at all times.’

I was almost crying with rampant rage fever while looking for Chester and I reckon he must have sensed I was hovering on the edge of despair, stumbling amongst the twigs and shrubbery, calling his name like a Banshee. He turned up quickly and I took him through the front door and upstairs to my room, stiffly perching on the end of my bed thinking what to do to calm down. I usually would have rolled a ciggie and smoked it through the bathroom window, but obviously Dad had got the fucking packet and I couldn’t remember if I had another stash in my room somewhere.

So I just went downstairs and faced the music. Yes, I got shouted at and no, I didn’t get to explain that I smoke probably one cig a day, maybe a few more if I get really stressed at college. I never smoke in the evenings because I am Skyping with Lee while doing my coursework, right, and he HATES the fact that I smoke and thinks I gave up. I have one before I sleep out the open bathroom window. Big wow, let’s hear it for the chainer!

So he grounded me. To be honest I retorted back with the fact that I already feel like I am grounded anyways, but he didn’t give a monkey’s fart as usual. It’s ok, let’s leave my (nearly) 18 year old daughter to rot up in the attic. That’s child (nearly adult) abuse…surely?

Of course the shit hit the fan on Friday night when Lisa texted me, telling me that her (cool as fuck) Mum had allowed her to go to LONDON for the weekend to see Joel. I called her immediately to get the facts of this smash to the gut, and yes, it was all arranged. She could go on the condition that she sleep in Lee’s room and lee would be keeping his eye on her. I think I hung up on her because I was just like, WHATTHEACTUALFUCKISGOINGON!!!???

and I called Lee. He was weird about it, and so he should have been, I mean what a fucker for him as well! What could he say? He asked me if I would come, well he BEGGED me to seeing as Joel was coming all the way to Lincolnshire to pick Lisa up, I had to come too….he didn’t care if we were all sleeping in his room together, he wanted to see me. BUT I WAS GROUNDED! And I couldn’t tell him why else he would have gone apeshit. But I hate lying to lee..I just had to say I was grounded and I said that I had fucked something up at the surgery and I think he believed me. He was sooooooooo gutted and even offered to talk to my Dad to try and redeem the situation just this once. But I couldn’t let him could I? Dad would have told him the real fucking reason!

So I did something hateful. I told Lee I would give him Dad’s mobile number by text so he could talk to him. This was at about 5pm and Joel was due to arrive at 5:30pm. I knew that Lee was going to work soon and probs wouldn’t be able to call me about the missing text message so I just DIDNT text him it. Lisa kept calling and texted me about a million times saying to pack my bag and just COME, but I was too distraught to even talk to her. I vowed I would never talk to her again at that point.

5:30pm. I was just sitting on my bed staring into space. I had about 10 missed calls from Lee and texts asking me to send the number quick cos Joel would be there soon….and then ones like, ‘what the fuck are you doing?’ and ‘Case, where are you, answer your phone,’ etc etc

The final text from Lisa. ‘Joel’s here and we’re about to go. Please Casey, come! My bro is desperate to see you!’

No response.

I sat there for a long, long, agonising time. I hadn’t dare look at Skype, in fact I had draped a scarf over the screen and muted it so I couldn’t hear Lee’s pleading voice.

I think it was around 10pm when Lee called me, on his break. This time I answered. he wasn’t pissed off, just really really upset with me. Lee doesn’t DO angry. Sometimes I wish he would cos Lee upset is worse. I told him that Dad wasn’t speaking to me and I thought he might shout at him if he called. Lee was all like, Case, I maybe could’ve talked him down a bit, me and him get along well…

Yes, but Dad thinks we’re just mates. Why would he think Lee was being so eager to get me to London? He would have smelled shit shining and I would then have got the third degree about my relationship with Lee.

I hate my life.

So I had to put up with watching Lisa in lee’s room waving and being nice, like Lisa is. Just be a goth! Stop being so sweet! She annoys the fuck out of me. I haven’t been able to Skype with Lee properly or fall asleep with him, cos Lisa has been there. Granted she did SLEEP in Lee’s room, but I can tell you, she spent most of the nights with Joel. I saw the door creaking open at 4am on Friday night and 5am last night. I was so jealous of her there, I wanted to hurl at the screen. Lee has been weird with me as well…as bit distant. I guess he is thinking why we have to hide everything from my parents after all this time when Lisa n Joel have been together a few months and she’s there. Why does he put up with me?

I have just Skyped with Lee but he said he was tired and has fallen asleep already. And I’ve got to go to twatting college tomorrow. Oh the joys. Why can’t being grounded include not having to go to college? Fucking double standards! No wonder I don’t want kids when I grow up. It’s all bullshit…parents just play around with their heads and cut all their puppet strings whenever they feel like it and think that knotting them back together afterwards will make them ok again.

I will never be ok.

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Last night.

I had just Skyped with D and then got a huge urge to see if Lee was back yet. Saturday night he usually works til at least 1am but it was about that time so I swapped screen. I was shocked to see a girl in his room. I managed to take a shot of her. Here she is. Who the HELL is she? And WHY is she in Lee’s room at 1am and he’s NOT?

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February 19, 2013

Saying ‘You are……..(any adjective)’ is crap. We are who we are and nobody, especially the mass media, fashion designers, pop stars or celebs, have the right to label anyone. Not even your friends have the right, unless you specifically ask them to, but then it’s only THEIR take on you. I hate the labels like ‘Goth’ ‘Hippie’ and ‘Metal head’ So, what are you if you like a mixture of all of the above? Ok, I will make a new label. How do ya’ll like it? The ECLECTIC. There. Even that’s stoooopid.

I totally agree with you, Wallflower! I think we should do an ‘alternative style and muse icon’ post together!

Valentine’s Day Bollocks

February 14, 2013

Although me and Lee agreed not to ‘do’ Valentine’s Day, he has still gone and sent me a silver and black onyx bracelet with a pair of wings opened out. It symbolises my Spirit Guide and my Guardian Angel, who I have always told him that HE is. I love it.

He has also sent me a poem and illustrated it on one of his sketchbook pages. It’s very romantic but then again he sends me sketches and little snippets of poetry regularly.
This is my rant about Valentine’s Day:

1. PEOPLE. YOU SHOULDN’T BE WAITING FOR ONE DAY OUT OF 365 TO TELL YOUR SPECIAL PERSON THAT YOU LOVE THEM!

2. Multi national Corperations make loads of profit out of this day and so many others like Mother’s Day. No. It’s so wrong! Someone decides that we should all celebrate these things and we all just BLINDLY go along with it! Why? Is this Big Brother?

I was made to feel like a crap girlfriend at college because people were asking me what I had given Lee and what he had given me. They don’t realise that we send each other poems, drawings and hand made cards regularly! We don’t wait for February 14th! I turned round and said, ‘Do I ask YOU what you and your boyfriend give each other and how you show love on a day to day basis? No because you would tell me to mind my own!’

It should be PERSONAL and not some hideous commercial crap. I can’t believe that Moonpig are selling

2 cards for the price of one!!!

Why? Why would you want 2?!!!

Jesus.

3. The environment. I bet if we looked at statistics we would see the rate of rainforest being cut down and the volume of waste being put into land fill going up so much more around these ‘special’ days. BAD.

Yes so guys, I DID send Lee some personal sketches and drawings and a message of deep passion and love for today. So there. And I am never going to show anyone anything he has sent me.

That Groundhog day feeling  is still gripping me. Here’s my life:

Lee

A few weeks ago I was miserable because I wanted Lee and I missed him. Now I am miserable because he’s my boy and I can’t touch him or make plans with him. At least he is borrowing his mate’s laptop so he can Skype with me now. We do it every night at about 10pm. The first night we did it I was totally transfixed to the screen. I couldn’t switch it off. Laugh if you like, but we left it on all night and slept. I woke up and all I could see on the screen was Lee’s hair and his arm. We had the laptops on our beds and had fallen asleep. I probably looked hideous, good job I woke up first! I am a little bit concerned about Annabelle. He has told me at least 3 times that there’s nothing going on but sorry I am miles and miles away, stuck in my attic, thinking. I saw her and how she was with him that day she came round here. Her body language sang out ‘Lee’s mine’. I am not being paranoid here. Men are so friggin stupid when it comes to the female race, they never think that certain behaviour might be a clever ploy to win them over. If I said to Lee that Annabelle wanted him he would laugh at me. I know she does and the ‘man troubles sob story’ she’s giving him doesn’t wash in my machine! I get so pissed off. Just the thought of him and her makes me raaaaaaaaaaaaage! He genuinely has fallen for me though. I can tell in his voice, the way he speaks to me, the way he stares at me on Skype. I can’t believe we didn’t get to kiss each other goodbye. That’s what he warned me about. I have to keep thinking, as much as I miss the ass off him, it’s better than just pretending to be friends. I just don’t see a future. I want him in it, but I can’t figure out how that’s going to work.

Day to day routine

My days consist of waking up very very early to walk Chester. It has been hideous the last few mornings. Windy and dark. Chester cheers me up though when his tail starts wagging. He’s always smiling!

I then text Lee his good morning message, have a shower and gussy up. I like listening to Paramore in the mornings. It gets me moving. I do the last bits and pieces of my college work needed for that day and sort out my bag. Text Lee some more. Then I take all my stuff down and join M&D for brekky. There’s always some kind of jibe about my hair or my clothes and sometimes a  massive argument. Trouble is, the more they tell me not to do something or wear something, the more I do….

Dad then drops me off at the bus stop and I meet Kate on it. She’s really my only mate here now. The only person who I can talk to. It takes us about half an hour to get to college and we grab a coffee in the canteen and chat until our form session starts. I hate form session cos Kate’s not in it and the others are basically morons. When we have debates and discussions they come out with the dumbest crap you could ever imagine. Really? You are all 17? What, 17 months maybe yes.

Then the rest of the day is about lessons. I LOVE Art lessons but I’m not feeling the Theatre Studies much. I was led to believe that it would involve more set design and costume design but it’s not so far. Also my English Lit course is doing my head in. We studied one decent book, that was a Thomas Hardy one, and the rest have been dull as shit on a stick. It’s difficult doing all this work. I have started doing even more in the evenings now as well to take my mind off Lee so imagine how the average Jo Blogs student must be handling it.

I plod on.

Paranormal Stuff

I haven’t written about this very much. I think it’s cos I’m scared that if I open myself up to it, it will become bigger and manifest itself more and more. I’m not frightened. In fact it fascinates me. It’s just that it’s a big deal at the moment and I can’t cope with it, the effort of trying to figure out what’s going on. I have seen three apparitions in my attic area. Two in the bathroom and one in front of the door. Now I have started hearing voices. Two nights ago I woke up to the sound of someone saying ‘Mum, mum, is that you?’  in my ear. I thought i must have dreamt it and I laid there just trying to recall my dream. I dream a lot. But I realised it wasn’t connected in any way to the dream I was having. My dad taking me up in a hot air balloon shaped like a garden shed over Tibet? No. Not connected! In the bathroom, where the presence is always strong, that morning I swear when I looked in the mirror it wasn’t my face. Similar, that’s why I didn’t catch on straight away, but not my face. What the heck?

Music

Of course Paramore! But I’ve been listening to the Levellers new album, ‘Static on the Airwaves.’ It’s pretty good. I love the fiddle combined with rock and their distinct irish folk flavour that kicks ass. They kick ass.

Life is strange..

January 22, 2013

It’s really weird how, when you are talking to someone about a random subject, you realise how different people actually are and how diverse their takes on life can be.

I was talking to Kate at college today about my life. I don’t usually do this as I find it hard to verbalise about my personal stuff, (and I don’t give a monkey’s fart about what other people think and I don’t seek approval) but I went out on a limb because I needed to kind of see myself through someone else’s eyes.

I was trying to see what she really thought of my lifestyle as I posted yesterday. I am not like most 17 year old girls. Yes, I like boys, I like clothes, I like make up and I love music but…not the same kind that others seem to. That’s ok. But what about the other stuff like wanting to go out all the time and socialise? What about the need to gas and gossip endlessly about everything? Posting what you had for breakfast on Facebook? Analysing every word that someone said in order to see a cause for a bitch fight? Talking for two hours about what it meant that some guy GLANCED at me? Trying to look slimmer/prettier/more popular than everyone else? These are the things I see all around me and that I can’t muster up any excitement for.

Kate surprised me .

The first thing she said was that I was speaking as though my life was lacking something. I said well it is!

Look at it.

I live in a village No, I can’t even call it that. It’s a  hamlet..it has like, three houses; one of them is my M&D’s and the other is Lee’s. The other is about 15 minutes walk away. Come on. In the summer we moved because Dad wanted to. We were perfectly happy in the city, I had loads of friends, I went out every night and life was fun. The only person who wanted to move was him and he didn’t even bother to ask me what I wanted. I was so fucked up about it this summer that I literally wanted to kill them. I met Lee and that all changed, but REALLY what kind of life is this for a 17 year old? I’m also an only child with no siblings to hang out with. Don’t get me wrong I LOVE the area now with it’s beautiful thick woodland and peace and quiet. I have fallen in love with Nature since I moved here….but I digress. I should be out and about, partying, meeting people, getting off with lots of different boys….finding myself, forming an identity.

Kate said I have already done that without the help of anyone else. She’s jealous of me. Of me? What now?

She says that she wishes she could be happy with what she has got instead of being unhappy cos of all the stuff she hasn’t got. Ok, I get that..the only thing I am missing out on is being with Lee. (That’s major though but I don’t let on too much.) I don’t sit upstairs dreaming about owning or having anything really. I am pretty happy with having Chester (my dog) and Lee and my one or two good mates that I still talk to. To be brutally honest, people get on my fucking nerves most of the time anyway!

She then said that I may not talk much but I exude an air of quiet wisdom! Hahahaha. I had to laugh because I don’t see myself as mature or wise. I say stupid things without thinking, I can’t be patient when I want something, I get pissy when I don’t get my way from M&D, what else…I judge people by how they dress (like I did in the summer) and their appearance..I can’t help it despite nearly losing Lee over it. I am not mature! I am a rebel who doesn’t care what other people think or feel at times.

Then she said I have got guts. Paah! Ok then. Now this is hilarious. I stand up against the rest because I don’t want to be a sheep and that takes courage. Does it? I think it’s essential and have never thought of it as being brave. I don’t shop on the High Street because of exploitation and sweat shops. I wear charity shop clothes and stuff made out of other clothes. Ok..but it’s not difficult to open your eyes and see that in our society, million dollar corperations are making this money out of lies and corrupt greed. I am not a genius.

I don’t go to McDonald’s. No the hell I don’t! Everyone else does. So what? I am a vegetarian and I appreciate how important our planet is. McDonald is a piece of shit that needs to go to hell and burn for his crimes against animals and the environment. How hard is it to say no I am not going to McDonald’s and eat a veggie burger instead? Better for your health as well.

I guess that when we walk around 24/7 in our skins, we don’t comprehend how others see us, only how we see ourselves. It’s nice to know how others see you and to step out of your life that you think is maybe dull or useless, and look at it objectively. Thanks to my friend Kate for her honesty.

I should point out that she also said I was stuck up, cold, selfish, moody and judgemental. I didn’t get off that lightly! 

I think a good bud is someone who can also tell you the not so good stuff. How can we change for the better if we never get a true picture of ourselves? The Casey of a few months ago would probably have told her to fuck herself at that point..but yes, I must be making progress! I smiled (well, grimaced) and said thanks….

”Down with the moral majority”

”Marching out of time to my own beat now”

 

 

Calmed but

December 28, 2012

So. I have been stuck in my room sulking today. lee is coming round tonight, which is good, but we’ll have to sit downstairs again. I spoke to him today and he said that his Mum approached him about the ‘subject’ of him and me and they discussed it rationally. He said I should do the same with my M&D. Rational doesn’t usually figure in our discussions though, so I don’t think it’ll work.

He’s so sensible. Maybe too sensible. Now I’m not sure if he has totally gone off the idea of me and him getting together. He needed time to get his head round it and now this with parents has made it worse. Well done Casey you frickin moron….

He said that he can see my parents’ point of view. What now? At first I really started wondering if he had aged 30 years over night. Then he explained that from their angle it appeared that we had deliberately slept together, and then I had tried to sneak out, which had fuelled that belief  and distrust. He gets on well with his Mum so she had obviously repeated what my M&D had said and because Lee is frickin sensible, he had asked his Mum’s viewpoint. Hmm. Why can’t I do that? So anyhow, his Mum trusts him and he has told her that we will not be ‘sleeping together’ and that we are just good friends.

Excuse fucking me?

He told me all this and said that we mustn’t give them any more cause to doubt us or distrust either of us. They don’t want us sleeping together and so we must act as friends. I asked him ( I was really pissed off) if that is what he wants. He said ‘Of course not’ and then said that he would rather see me as a friend than be banned from seeing me, because then we are fucked.

I guess he is right but it feels like he has dangled his love in front of my face after months of starvation only to take it back again. I don’t know what to think. We don’t have to have sex, it’s not about that. I just want us to be together as girlfriend and boyfriend. He thinks it’s too risky and that if we are even seen kissing it could be us doomed. I guess he’s right, but it makes me feel even worse now knowing that he has ‘more than friends’ feelings for me yet we have to hide them.

Perhaps I should talk to my M&D and tell them I am not planning on having sex with him any time soon. (Damn shame!) I do not know if I can even utter that word in front of them.

I guess I have to grow up a bit and be calm and patient. Show M&D and HIM that I can act maturely. He’s worth the wait!

I hope we get chance to talk about it tonight. 😦

Well that’s ‘the talk’ over with.

Shit.

Basically, M&D are worried that me and Lee are going to start having sex (how embarrassing to hear them talk about it?) and they are worried that in this ‘tiny’ community where people gossip, me and Lee will be the centre of everyone’s attention and it will look bad.

Look bad???!!!

My Dad is concerned about how much I am going to show THEM up! He doesn’t give a flying fucking shit about me or how I feel or what I want!

Oh jesus. I am going to go properly MENTAL.

I am ONLY 17 years old! Lee is 2 years older than me. OH WHAT A FRICKIN CRIME!!!! And?????????????????????

I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow, but Dad says he’s going to talk to Lee’s Mum when she goes to the Surgery in the morning to clean. Oh sweet crap. I am ‘allowed’ to invite Lee over tomorrow because Mum will be in all day. Thanks a fucking load. I feel like a small, pathetic kid. I mean, Holy crap, Lee is at UNI, he can do whatever he wants, when he wants and with whomever he wants. Why in the fuck would he choose to be with me, a prisoner in her parents’ house because they treat her like a 12 year old? What in hell is he gonna think when he hears this?????????