London, September 2nd 2015. Back to Black

I’m here. I travelled back last night and didn’t get in til late. I couldn’t be arsed to talk to anyone so went straight to bed in ‘my’ room. I think it’s the first time ever that I’ve slept in it since I moved into the feral house with Lee and his friends.

Lee must have got up early because he kept rapping on my door wanting to get in. He wanted to talk, as ever. I just wanted to sleep and stayed there behind drawn curtains ’til about 3pm. I couldn’t hear any noises of laughing, music, guitars or TV when I crawled out of bed and when I crept downstairs to the kitchen to make black coffee, it was silent except for the wind whistling through the gap in the kitchen window (so the landlord hasn’t fixed it then!). The rain has been lashing since I woke up. Black clouds just hang there repressing everything. Back to Black.

My phone had got 15 missed calls and 5 texts off Lee when I checked it earlier, most of them begging to talk and the last one telling me he was going out with Simon to get some stuff for dinner. Now it’s got a further 5 missed calls. They must have stopped off somewhere else cos they’ve been hours. Fine by me. I can’t face Simon right now anyways. The vibe he gives me is so intense, it’s almost psychotic the way he looks at me, GLARES at me. I know from first hand experience, he’s no fickle guy. The one-nighter we had wasn’t intended to be that way, not by him at least. Maybe I should move out? No. I love this house with its rickety walls, weird decor and attc space where our room is. It’s like Fagin’s den…there’s a skylight in the ‘hall’ that doesn’t open and you can see pigeon feet tapping across it. You can see the sky through the rain puddle that collects there. It’s ace. I love the narrow stairway that goes up to our top floor and that you can’t pass anyone else on it, it’s too cramped.

How did he seriously think we’d go on together in his house under Lee’s nose? We all know exactly what each other’s up to here, no one can even take a dump without everyone marking down on the kitchen calender. I find Simon wildly attractive and I also loved being with Wadesy. I miss him a lot but promised Lee it was over……. but my dilemma is I love Lee, I mean I can’t imagine him not being in my life. What am I supposed to do?

Love lost? I am so depressed.

Lee is still in London with Chloe. He is being fine with me, which is more than I deserve after what I’ve done, but I just don’t get WHY he had to go there! He could have gone to his Dad in Leeds. But Chloe? I am deathly paranoid now because she did admit her feelings and he was genuinely shocked, but I sense that he has been thinking about things a lot lately and whether he would be happier with her. I mean he always spoke of her as his closest friend. They are very very similar in character, both quiet and introverted, but with fire in their bellies when they need it. She’s a Wiccan and Lee has always loved the Old Religions and Cultures. He’s more of a Buddhist though….but he finds her practices fascinating. They are both Sensitive to the point of ridiculous as well and they always retreated to one another when things got tough…Yes, he’d talk to me, but the difference was, Chloe could make him feel better whereas our relationship has always been one sided as though Lee is in it to save me. I never understood what he saw in me, what I ever brought to the table. Jesus, I’m depressed.

And then there’s the point that I have been making out with another guy for approximately 2 months behind Lee’s back. It doesn’t seem to salvage anything when I remind him that I didn’t sleep with him. Lee, being Lee has already forgiven me. He didn’t even get pissed, he just went quiet for a few days and then asked me why I needed to do that with another guy, was there something missing from our relationship? Did he not pay me enough attention? He made me want to scream…………..because this…this MARRIAGE like thing we’ve got is so fucking DULL! ‘let’s talk it through, let’s get to the root of the issue.’ NO I DON’T WANT TO, I JUST WANT TO LIVE! DO STUFF WITHOUT HAVING TO ANALYSE IT!

That’s why I slept with Simon i guess. I saw an Oscar Wilde quote scrawled on his bedroom wall one afternoon when we were sat in there, all of us, when the electric went out. Simon had candles and Lee and him jammed on guitars for hours until suddenly the lights came back on. Chloe and Anna were asleep. I noticed it then in the glare of the stark lamp on his bedside table:

“The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. Resist it, and your soul grows sick with longing for the things it has forbidden to itself, with desire for what its monstrous laws have made monstrous and unlawful.”

I became a little bit obsessive about Simon from that moment on as he was the answer to my longings. Little did I know he’d grown sick with longing for me. But that’s another blog post.

Finally, the ever-decreasing endless issue of KIDS that somehow won’t lie down and let us live in peace. I am 18 for fuck’s sake, not 38. Why does everything around us have to keep prodding and picking at that wound we made bleed when we first got together? The one where he says he wants kids and to be married by the time he’s 25…and I say I don’t care about marriage and I don’t want to sprog..there are enough kids in this world without homes and food…why add to it? I find the whole idea of childbirth repulsive and the thought of babies repugnant. I am not a mother! Chloe is though isn’t she.

Perfect.

Untitled 2

Ok. So I fancied Richard like mad. He was (is!) a lot like Lee in many ways, that kind, sensitive type….not like Simon, yes, Simon who I live with. (But that’s another story and one that Lee doesn’t know about and never will as long as I live and breathe. The only other person who knows is Simon. Maybe I’ll write about that in another post, if i can bring myself to write the words. I’m a bad-ass girlfriend, rubbish and fickle. That’s probably why Simon likes me so much. TMI). We got upstairs and he still had hold of my hand. His sculptor’s fingers were woven around mine and felt cool, yet strong and confident. My knees were about to give way. I asked him whose room it was as we entered that same room and I noticed it smelt of stale beer and sweaty socks. he said it was his mate Tindel’s room, the smelly bastard, and he was at his Mum’s for the weekend. Ok then, I thought….that makes it ok?

He started pressing buttons on the IPOD dock and some indie warble droned around the room. Wadsey kicked his Docs off and sat on the bed, smiling again. Neither of us knew what to say for ages. I didn’t know whether I was reading the situation totally wrongly and he just intended to go to sleep, or whether he assumed we would have sex. After all this was Uni, this was a predominantly art student corridor of the Rez. it’s what they DO. I gingerly sat on the bed, the edge, not touching him, but I knew that if he made a move I would have no choice but to go through with it. His eyes were all sparkly despite the fact it was nearly daylight and we’d been up all night, and his lips were turned up at the corners teasingly. I wanted to kiss him, so very very badly.

Then suddenly, without warning he just came right out with it. ‘I like you a lot Casey but I know you’re living with your boyfriend. I don’t know where I stand.Help?’

I laughed. He didn’t

‘Did you leave your keys on purpose? Come on just be honest with me, I can take it.’

What did I say? I said this:

‘No.’

Silence for ages. He was leaning on one arm, his plaid shirt undone and a dark brown t-shirt with ‘Wishbone Ash’ written across it showing. Some obscure band t-shirt that I would dearly have loved to remove. I really was lost for words. He seemed like a nice guy and genuinely didn’t want to be a drunken one-night-stand to a girl who was living with her boyfriend. I decided I couldn’t look at him anymore because I really wanted to kiss him now that the realisation that I wasn’t allowed to had dawned on me. I lay down and soon his face appeared next to mine. This guy sure knew how to tempt me. Didn’t he know? Are guys so stupid that they automatically think they are ‘not attractive’ to us girls? The same as Lee, always brushing off compliments when I try and tell him how many girls gawp at him when they walk past him. I was lucky (am lucky) so why did I want it so badly with someone else? Why had I wanted (and still want) Simon?

Then, his face was coming closer and I could smell the feint and not unpleasant aroma of cider on his breath, He was still smiling as his lips touched mine. They were sooooooo soft and cool. At first, I felt numb, like I was just dreaming it, but gradually a warm feeling spread itself over my neck and face and I sunk in to his kiss, feeling his tongue touch mine. Then he pulled away.

I opened my eyes. The sun was up. The curtains were still open and the trees outside the window tickled the glass as if to say, take the bloody chance, stand up and get a grip, girl. His face was questioning as if he was waiting for a sign to carry on. Oh how I wanted to. His plaid shirt was pressing against my vest top that had the chaos symbol tie dyed into it. He was so close to me that I felt like I was melting. He hadn’t touched me at all, almost as if that would have been the last barrier. I moved away.

‘Sleep then?’ he said, making it into a question but knowing full well the answer. He wasn’t smiling as I closed my eyes. I must have fallen asleep as soon as, my lips still tingling and a feeling in my throat like a hedgehog had crawled in there and died.

I slept until about 8. Wadesy woke me up as he scrambled off the bed. I watched him for a few minutes, dreading how I’d feel when I lifted my head off the pillow, a raging hangover already pressing my temples. He didn’t look at me as he left the room and I closed my eyes hoping to forget about this and just go back to sleep. Maybe Fern would come in and find me and we’d go back to hers together and I’d sleep on the sofa, trying to forget how his lips had made me feel.

He came back in but I kept my eyes shut. I heard a glass being put down and my throat constricted as I gagged for water. I opened one eyes and saw a marvelous sight…a tall pint glass of iced water. ‘It’s for you’ he said as he stamped his foot into his Doc. Then he said he had to go and get Pikey up for training, but he had this for me. I looked down and his number was written on a piece of roll-up tobacco paper. His number? I stared at it, not understanding anything. I had lead him on, kissed him and rejected him, fallen asleep and he still liked me?

Then he said he’d told Fern I was there and she said to wake her up in a few hours. ‘Go back to sleep’ he said….

I heard myself say sorry and he approached the bed, leaned down and kissed me on the cheek. The bitch that I am tried to turn my cheek so he’d kiss my lips, but it didn’t work. he wasn’t fucking stupid. He was a nice guy. I’m the one who’s messed up.

He left and I did fall asleep. I was woken up by my phone ringing and Lee’s name lit up in bright neon, blinding letters. As I murmured Good mornings, I told my first lie to Lee. EVER. I told him I was at Fern’s on the sofa. He laughed and said he’d missed me but was glad I’d had a good time. Lee’s trust ran out though, a few months after that day. Just to say, the lie about where I slept that night wasn’t the end of the lies I told to my trusting boyfriend. At least two more lies involved Wadesy and the lies that concerned Simon? I’ve lost count. He found out about the two lies and Wadesy. That’s when all the problems started, the shit hit multiple fans. That’s why we decided to leave the Feral house and come back here to our roots; to where we first began. I guess we both hoped it would give us the chance to get away from everything and clear our heads together, get away from the others, from Fern and from Wadesy. I needed away from Simon as well, that is more important right now than to be far away from Richard, but of course Lee doesn’t know that. Wadesy is nice, he understands what we have is what it is, just a flirt and a few kisses when we get drunk. he doesn’t pressure me to break up with Lee. Not like Simon. Simon is intense. He won’t stop. The glaring at meal times, the laser eyes cutting Lee and I apart when we cuddle up on the sofa watching DVDs on a Saturday night. He won’t leave it until I tell Lee and I leave him.

Then there’s Chloe. I always knew she was in love with Lee, but of course he never believed me. She had one glass of wine too many one night (Chloe doesn’t drink much, just like Lee) and she started saying weird shit to us, aiming some really harsh words at me, like ‘You don’t love him, you’re just using him to stay here in London…I’ve seen the way you flirt with all the boys, tempting them and giving it all with fake promises……’ Lee told her to stop, but she carried on and Annabitch (who, incidently isn’t a bitch at all it turns out), took her upstairs and tried to put her to bed. Anna told me that she is deeply in love with Lee and finds it torturous to live with us two, next to us and listen to us ‘faire l’amour passionne’ (whatever that means…I can guess), and wanted to swap rooms with Anna downstairs. Well, Anna had words with lee and he was mortified that she felt that way and he never knew….he said ‘mortified’ but I think it was more shocked that I was right…and that someone as beautiful and clever and talented and graceful could feel that way about him. …(you get the message about how he feels about her, like she’s a Goddess…he always spoke of her like his sister and how he would protect her with his life if he had to, they were soul mates and had a deep spiritual connection….blah blah yarda yarp…).

Something shifted after that night. Their friendship changed. I caught him staring at her one evening while we were watching films, his arms were limp around me as if he couldn’t be arsed, as if he wanted to be somewhere else. She had her face buried in a cushion most of the time, being petrified of anything remotely scary (I think we were watching ‘The Shining’), so she didn’t notice, or if she did, made a great pretence of ignoring his gaze. All this happened just when Lee found out about my lie, the one where I said I was with Fern when in fact I was with Wadesy. He found out because again, I had left my door keys on the marble-top table in the hallway….he tried to call me but I didn’t pick up (of course, I was with Wadsey) and instead of just staying in and waiting for me to come back and letting me in, he decided he wanted to go to Camden Market with Si. Of course, bloody Camden isn’t far from Fern’s and so Lee being Lee decided to drop the keys round at hers. She answered the door and didn’t know where I was because I hadn’t even been there. I had met Wadesy at Regent’s Park, our favourite place to meet to innocently bask in the sun reading books, talking about life and occasionally stealing illicit snogs on his tartan blanket.

Oh dear.

Fern called me and I raced to hers, but Lee, she said, had gone. He looked totally knocked out like she had punched him in his gut several times. She wasn’t impressed when I admitted what I’d done and suddenly she was sticking up for Lee, even though she had known her housemate and I were more than friends. Lee is like that. Women just immediately love him.

I love him. I really do. But truth be told, I’m bored. I want some adventure. I want passion. I want LIFE.

Why can’t I have Lee, snog Richard Wadesy and sleep with Simon? Who set the rules, (impossible to keep) about serial monogamy? WHO? As Simon says, no-one did. So why are we following it? Or more to the point, why does Lee think it’s so important to follow it? Richard and Simon don’t seem to care (except Simon does when he sees Lee and I together) so why does Lee? Because he loves me, says Fern. And she also said that if I really loved Lee I wouldn’t want anyone else, regardless of how gorgeous (Wadesy) or darkly attractive (Simon) they are.

But then am I not a complete hypocrite now as i clutch my phone (white knuckles and sweaty palms) in one hand and tap in the other…(it’s taking me ages to write with one hand here) . I texted Lee about hour ago and he hasn’t yet replied. The last text I got said he had arrived and Chloe was cooking. They’d better not be alone in the house! Saying that, I hope Simon’s not there. What if he goes and tells Lee about us? In his jealousy that he insists he doesn’t feel? And why am I so bothered? Because I am fucking jealous that’s why. I am a messed up. sad, lost, loved-up twisted shitbitch who can’t decide what she wants. Lee in the feral house with Chloe. Karma’s a bitch.

I can’t think of an appropriate title because life is just beyond awesome, but possibly this will be part 1

Uni, Lee, Chloe, Annabelle, Simon, Joel…….Cait, Spence, Alex and Hayden.

My hair.

My room.

London.

Freedom.

Yeh, so I’ve been in London for about……2 weeks I think. It’s all a hedonistic blur! M&D wanted to see the room in the house-share (they didn’t think it was good enough for me, as I said in my last post, because they thought that after having a huge attic room to myself, I wouldn’t cope. They STILL don’t know that me and Lee are together and that I will NEVER be sleeping in it anyways) so we (me, Lee and them) came down about a month ago. Lee had begged Chloe, who had been in the house all summer, to clear out all the shit from the box room cos it was apparently jammed with unbridled crap from a year already in that place. When we got here, M&D were quite impressed with the house. Dad said his student house was hideous, so judging by this one, his must have been DIRE. I’m not saying anything cos I know that London prices for students are horrendous, but it’s not the cleanest or most modern house. It needs a good lick of paint, but who am I to say? Lee was taking the piss saying that student houses are never top notch. I don’t care. We get to live together! That’s all I care about!

So this was what we found when we arrived:

 

Dad measured up and said that we could fit a single bed in there but not much else. Mum wasn’t impressed, but I just was all like, YEH WOW I LOVE IT! (Ha!)

As I said, only Chloe was in there over the summer as she works with her Mum in a boutique nearby. Lee had worked for a few weeks in the holidays before he came back to Lincolnshire (pissed me off!) and I think Simon had too. They had paid half rent or something, to keep it over the summer.

This is the kitchen:

There’s a table just to the right of where I’m standing so it’s not bad at all.

Lee’s (OUR) room is just next door to the box room and it’s on the top floor (of 3). Chloe’s room is also up there and a toilet. I wish me and Lee were on our own, but at least we don’t share a corridor with Annabelle or the others as well.

This is the living room:

There’s more space to the left where we’ve got another sofa (Dad bought it) and it’s cosy, especially with all 6 of us in it! me and Lee always sit on the sofa Dad bought us and the others tend to avoid us. probably because we’re all over each other and they want to vom. Lol.

So that weekend, we went to IKEA (I hate that place. I wanted to get a bed from somewhere a bit quirkier, but no) and Dad bought a low storage chest thingy instead of a frame bed cos he said it would be impossible to store clothes anywhere (unless I’m in living in Lee’s room hahaha! I love saying it over and over. Totally defying them!) So the new mattress went on top of the chest and he also bought me a desk for my computer etc. Mum changed the hideous curtains and also, we found mould and other grossness on that red carpet so dad took it up and Lee helped him put this laminate down that looks like wood floorboarding. Pretty cool!

Oh yes and that night. Oh that night! M&D kipped down on the sofa bed in the living room, Lee slept in his/our room and I had to sleep in Chloe’s. She stayed at her Mum’s. I was MORTIFIED. I hate sleeping in other people’s beds and that’s why I NEVER went to sleep over parties when I was younger. Bloody shit. And knowing full well that Lee was next door!  I was all up for sneaking in but he wasn’t keen. The wuss. Just cos the nazis were downstairs! What’s the difference, I asked. You sleep in my attic room while they’re on the next floor down! Muppet.

So next day, bright and (too) early, we returned to Lincolnshire. The landlord came just before we left and Dad paid him for my first term’s rent. YEY!!

So the rest of the summer was spent with Mum fussing over what I needed to take like what kitchenware I needed. Lee kept telling her NONE but the wacked out bat didn’t believe him (see previous pic. Sarcastic as fuck-can’t see any fucking saucepans there can you?) As far as Dad was concerned he’d done his bit and thank God he stayed out of these proceedings, except for his insistent obsession with the crime rate around the area. BORING.

I also had to clean out the attic room, which I nearly died doing. Lee helped me but OMFG was it shit. It took us 4 days and about 25 bin liners. Utter carnage.

Saying goodbye to Chester was awful. Dad rung the landlord and asked if I could take him, but he said he needed to ask the neighbours (students both sides) and didn’t get back to us before we had to leave. Update on that, GOOD NEWS! The neighbours don’t mind and we’ve got a back yard for him to go out when he wants the loo, plus a park nearby for walks, so he’s coming after Christmas! YAY! I miss him so much.

I didn’t start Uni for a week after we came so I had some time to settle in and (after they’d left) Lee had to sort out his crap to make room for mine. Mum fussed yet again over my ‘room’ although it’s so small, really THERE IS NO CHOICE about where furniture can go!

She started crying as well on the Sunday night when they left. How embarrassing. Lee was all like, ‘Oh Mrs Papadaki, don’t worry, we’ll look after Casey, she’s in safe hands’ and all that, when I was cowering, wishing her to stop blubbing in front of the others, who had arrived by then and were lugging bags and boxes in. I felt a right knobjockey. Thanks Mum. Lee was pissed off with me for not giving her a hug and stuff. NO. He did though, the sap!

She has called me every single evening since then. Great.

So, this is what my room looked like directly after they left:

it’s nice but it hasn’t stayed like that!

There’s no room for doing art work so we put my computer on a table in OUR room and we’ll have this for doing my art work on.

As you can see, it’s messy already! That’s totally me though isn’t it? Lee gets annoyed with me. (well, I say ‘annoyed’. Lee’s version of annoyed is looking at me and raising his eyebrows. He’s too chilled out that dude!)

Oh. Part 1 over. Lee wants me to go to Tesco with him to get some stuff for dinner. I’ve got so much more to write! But work beckons tonight and some serious DVD watching, so I bid you farewell, and hopefully I’ll be able to catch up sooooooooooon. Oh this is a portrait Lee did of me. He got it enlarged on canvas and it’s on the wall in OUR room!

Life is fuckerty good!

London, baby!

It’s been an age since I posted, mainly because I have been bombing it this summer, including spending every waking second I can with the scrum-bum Lee-face! And I got my A level results.

I’m in! I’m going to London to do my Art Foundation Course!

I wanted to write and let everyone (all 3 of you that read my blog hahaha) that I’m still alive, very very much so, and what’s going on. This weekend, well tomorrow specifically, I am going to the capital of AWESOME with Mum, Dad and Lee and we are going to check out the house, you know the one that Lee lives in (The Feral house as it has been named. I have an incline as to why and I can’t wait to find out more) because they’ve got a spare room. Ok, so we all know that I won’t be spending A SINGLE night sleeping in any spare box room, but M&D don’t know and if M&D knew? Well let’s just say, SHIT and FAN, and lots of it cascading off!

I know,I know. I’m 18 and shouldn’t let them control me, but what choice do I have? There’s no way until hell freezes over and I give birth to Brenden Urie’s love children, that they would pay rent for me to stay with Lee. I mean if they knew we were together. So I play them to get what I want. Lee’s still riding my ass to tell them, but I won’t. He’s freaking out cos he’s like, ‘Oh Case, they’re going to buy you a new bed and stuff, which you’ll never need, it’s a waste.’ Ok then, what would you prefer? Me living in some Halls miles away that they have to pay through the nose for? I mean this rent for the house is a pittance compared to any rent for Halls. It’s got 5 massive double rooms and this single room which they use for junk. They all pitch in and pay the rent monthly which is something like £1200. It’s a run down old Victorian so it’s cheaper than normal. That divided by 6 of us? Bargain. For London prices it’s ridiculous!

M&D are all stressing about it saying how can I live in a tiny box room when I’m used to the attic space I’ve got here. I just said that you know, London’s a huge city. I’d rather spend my first year there around familiar faces and plus the fact Dad’s got another 3 years after my Foundation to fork out for me. That seemed to sedate them, but we’re going tomorrow so they can check it out and Lee’s going to get rid of all the crap in there so Dad can measure up for my bed. Hahaha. It’s just going to be an extra space for me, maybe to do my art. Lee’s really tidy, so it’s better to avoid any screaming matches by having my messy space and letting him do his unmessy art in ‘our’ room. OUR FUCKING ROOM! How cool is this?????

I don’t know how I’m going to handle the Annabitch situation, but at least I’ll be able to keep my beady eye on her better from up close!

Mum’s stressing me to start packing what stuff I want to take, but I’m too excited…

Meanwhile, in normal life, I am still having driving lessons but I don’t know if I’ll be able to take my test before I leave. Bummer. Lee says that it’ll be a nightmare bringing a car to London anyway as there’s nowhere to park it outside the house and it’s a dodgy area so my insurance premium would go sky high. He reckons the tube is the best for students anyway. He gets to travel around for next to nowt with his student oyster card. Sorted!

So I just can’t wait to be a weird, freak of an Art student in LONDON! This is like a fucking dream come true! I wish I could take Chester but no pets allowed. Chloe’s got a cat in her room but the landlord doesn’t know. I think a barking dog would cause a stir. Plus there’s only a scraggy overgrown garden (that slopes upwards, how creepy) and Lee reckons it could have any chemical crap in it cos there’s old paint pots and shit littered around. I don’t want Chester getting his paws on that!

I’ll be back at Christmas anyway..

I hope I’ll find time to blog once I’m there. I will try. It’s going to be hella different from being here all on my tod every day and night! I have loved this blog, but I guess I have used it as a convenience for my lonely rantings. I don’t imagine I’ll be lonely any more!

Ok. lunchtime. Lee’s coming in a while and we’re going to start making a list of what I’ll need. OH MY DAYS! LONDON!

The Light is at the end of the tunnel

So, I officially finished college last week and I’ve got my English Lit exam to do and some Art Portfolio stuff to tie up. So it’s not too bad. I ‘ll be finished in………let’s see……24 days time!

The best news EVER is that I got my Conditional offers of a place on Foundation from Manchester College of Art and Kingston College of Art. I didn’t get accepted on the Foundation at St Martin’s (where Lee is) but I don’t really mind cos a) Kingston is still in London, b) Kingston has got a really good module for prop and set design which is what I want to do and c) IT’S LONDONIUM!!!

Yeh so the whole process was a TAD stressfilled. I didn’t write about it at the time because I thought I would go fucking nuts. It was back in February when I had to make up a digital portfolio to send off to all three colleges. I could have gone for an actual  interview at all of them (and drag my bulging A1 portfolio around the Big Smoke like a dick) but to be honest I was so bogged down with college work that going all the way to London would have killed me. TWICE. So Dad arranged for me to send my stuff on CD, which worked out ok, I think. Except for the dudes at Central St Martins haha! They said I didn’t demonstrate a wide enough scope of expertise. Well, fuck me, CSM, but it’s a friggin FOUNDATION COURSE I’m applying for, TO GET THE SCOPE of expertise, to be able to then choose what I study for Degree. Pfffffllooooooooky! Lee told me that they are VERY picky and rip everyone at interview. He did his foundation at Manchester and he said he didn’t think he’d got in on Degree at St Marts cos the interview was rocked up. But he did. Cos he’s fucking ace. He’ll be in his 3rd and final year when I go in September! But then he’s got to do another year for his Art Therapy qual, so he’ll still be around. Oh my God, it’s gonna be so coooooooooooooooool.

Yeh, so for Kingston I only need to pass my Art A Level, which I really don’t think will be a problem. My 10 hour study went really well and I just have to work on my art history resources, my observational work and my research notes for it. I might tell you guys what I did for it one day, but right now……..zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz so bored with it!

Right, now for the shitter.

Lee isn’t back from London yet.

Quelle fucking Suprise!

His final assessments went well but he’s got to do 100 hours of real Counselling if he’s to qualify as a Counsellor and then go on to the Art Therapy bit. It all seems well complicated to me! But anyhoo he has to complete two of the time allocations agreed between him and the Clients before he can break for Summer and come back here. That’s also after he’s visited his ass-clown Dad in Leeds. Could be weeks yet. Joel has already been here visiting Lisa. I’m not sure what’s going down with those two cos they didn’t seem happy when they came round at the weekend. Hmmm.

But at least, come September, I will be GOING TO LONDON WITH LEE! I really hope that I can stay with him in his house, but the problem is the guys (Annabitch, Chloe, Joel and Simon) are still planning to live there, so there won’t be a spare room. Yes, I know, dear readers, I could stay in Lee’s room, BUT my parents want to go down and take a look at the house. So, if there is no spare room? Fucked. The only solution at this point is for them to clear out the box room, which is the size of a box, literally a fucking shoe box, and get a second hand bed from somewhere and make it in to the smallest room in the history of small rooms, and make out that I will take that. I can’t see M&D believing that, not when I’m currently used to this…….this whole stretch of the top of the house as my room. Oh shit. I really don’t want to live in some student house with filthy, noisy, grebby idiots I don’t even know! I know I hate Annabitch but it’s a small price to pay to get to be with Lee every fucking day. Plus, she’ll have to back the hell off from him once I move in!

More later. I’ve got to go and start cooking something. I am STARVING.

During the next week I will mostly be…

spending time with LeeBee!

That’s what I am calling my dude now cos he got stung this afternoon! No, I shouldn’t laugh, but it was by far the fucking funniest thing I have ever seen…I will write about it when I can stop crying from laughing. Yes, he’s fine now, don’t worry!

He’s back with me as from this morning! It has been the classic scenario, he gets here and spends time with Mum and Lisa then comes to be my best mate in front of my M&D, (and gets stung by a tiny bee and freaks out like a girl hahahahahahaha!) then goes back home to eat and then back here in the evening to carry on pretending to be my best friend, then climbs the tree circa 1am……..well at least I hope to holy crap he does….later on.

We’ve already had ‘the convo’ about why I can’t just tell my Nazi parents. I’m 18, yes, I know that BeeBoy, (rotfl) but then they wouldn’t give us as much freedom. Think about it. Although, he did say, and I have to admit, I sat and considered this…I could stay at HIS house cos his Mum is cool about us. I mean he’s 20. She trusts him. Unlike my parental prison guards.

But then, mine would forbid me to stay there, so wtf…..and it’s only 5 minutes walk away so my dad would stroll along down and knock on the door. Then Lee’s Mum would be in shit and she works for Dad and needs the money, so then? No. Let’s keep it

SECRET!

just for a laugh:

(and in case you are wondering, yes, I am in fact mildy drunk as I write, at this precise moment in time)

except we don’t belong to anyone else!

Oh I’m laughing so hard right now I think I just dislocated a rib!

 

Out of the depths of morbidity came my next few lines…..

Yeh so not a lot going down on the life front.

Hence my none committal blogging habit that I’ve recently developed.

College. College. College. College.

So what’s the same?

• still passionately and vomtastically in love with Lee-face.
• I still love/hate living in the middle of rural Lincolnshire like a disease-ridden hermit. I will wake up one morning and find someone has painted a massive X on my door. Plague resides here. Do not enter. Social disease!
• Lisa sometimes comes round and hangs but we haven’t got a lot in common. Just her sexy brother and her pseudo-love of rock music.
• Chester is my only friend.
• Dimitri is a second contender for the ‘sexy as hell boys I know’ contest. He’s currently dating his next failure. I give it two weeks max.
• College is dull and pointless. Oh except for the fact that I need the A Levels. Darn.
• People at college are twats. Except Spencer. He’s ok. Not sexy at all though, so it makes it easier to be his friend.
• Parents are annoying the hell out of me. Can’t wait for September.
• driving lessons are wicked. I drive like a serpent.

So what’s different?

• Apart from fuck-all? Fuck-all………..
• my hair is purple.
• my aunt and I finished the second chapter (draft 1). read here:

Chapter 2 (first draft)

• she has designed a front cover. It’s full of creepy awesomeness. Look here:

The Silent Angels Book Cover Muse

• I am listening to this……

I prom that I’ll try and write more as soon as work eases up a bit. Too much for my brain to absorb……….

 

Why are you such a bitch?

That was what this excuse for a human being fired at my face yesterday at college. I want to put it out there.

I sit around, especially during Theatre Studies, and just watch all the things that these dickweeds do and how they are all competing continuously. I don’t know. Is it the nature of the kind of people who want to study theatre that they HAVE to be attention seeking, drama stirring, air kissing, pretentious DOUCHE BAGS? For the sake of fuckery.

Well. On Friday afternoon, Kate was off so I was just sitting on the edge of the stage while Mr Somers was talking to us. I could see Gemma Matthews, Eliza Brown and Jo Flint whispering and looking in my direction so I just smiled at them sarcastically, as I normally do. Somers then said that he was putting us into groups to do some improv work and to my horror, I was put with Gemma (look at my hair, watch me swish it, it’s cascading down my back, look at me, look) Matthews and she high fived the other bimbettes and sauntered over to me, the hair swishing and her hips swaying. I pretended to look through her and then stood up. I said to start immediately, and walked to the back of the stage where it was quiet and sat down. She didn’t. She didn’t want to get her clothes dusty. She actually said that! When she had found a chair she sat there and sat cross legged with her hands on her knees like she was meditating, her face upwards and towards the audience, so fake…so fucking up her own crack-hole.

I started because she clearly was too busy mouthing things to her little minions who were dotted around the theatre having been put with different people to work with. Mr Somers was walking towards us, so I started. Our line was ‘Have you seen Mr. Green’s poodle?’

I said it and she was still trying to get either Eliza or Jo to understand what she was saying. Therefore and thus, the fuckward didn’t carry on with the prov. Mr Somers was standing there, clip board hugged to his chest, tapping his foot on the wood of the stage floor. I said. ‘Someone said they saw it this morning shitting in the middle of a croquet pitch.’

Somers laughed.

I carried on.

‘Are you really that much of a dick that you don’t realise I am speaking?’

Somers waited for a bit. I looked at her and someone must have pointed at Somers because her face fell and she mouthed fuuuuuck. She turned to Somers. He was fuming. She got a ranting in front of the whole class about her attitude. People were sniggering. I was out right laughing. She looked mortified. I think she’s close to being chucked off the course to be honest, but that’s not my fault!

Afterwards, I had worked with one of the guys and it was fine, but she pulled my hood as we were leaving the theatre. She literally pulled it to the other side of the corridor and towered over me, pointing her manicured silly pink and blue shitty finger nail towards my eye. Then she said THAT.

I said that, yes, I was in fact a bitch, but I had not ever contributed to her reputation of being a complete and utter container of brain muck. She had done that all by herself. She glared at me and then swished away down the corridor, her perfume aroma of Estee Lauder ‘silly cow’ wafting behind her.

I went home feeling quite pleased. The fucking idiot.

Meanwhile, in my attic room, I am missing Lee like a muverflupper, and looking forward to 6 weeks time when we get 2 weeks for Easter! I would LOVE to take him to Greece because Easter is amazing there. I don’t know though. I would have to stay with Yiayia and Papous in the garconiere, if it isn’t being rented out, but I doubt if they would let me stay in there with a BOY. Greek grandparents are strict like that….

So what have I been up to? Not a lot. Driving lessons are going good. I have 3 a week and the instructor has had to tell me to slow down every single lesson. Haha! I just love it.

Annabitch’s boyfriend broke her arm! Why does she stay with that c***t? Now Lee has got to run around after her. She’s telling everyone she fell down the stairs. It’s bullshit. Lee and Chloe are trying to get her to report him to the fuzz but she won’t and they can’t get it out of her why. I know why. She LIKES being a fucking victim and she likes having Lee running around after her like a puppy. FUCK OFF! She entered his room while we were Skyping the other night. Just walked right in there, no knocking. He had to go and iron something for her. Oh come on. Good job we weren’t doing anything private aint it? 😦

But yehh. me and Lee are sound. Dimitri is still flirting with me and getting through more girlfriends than I get through packets of Amber Leaf! I love that dude. I want to see him but I’m in two minds…I think I would find it hard to stop myself if he tried to kiss me or something. And that doesn’t dilute my feelings for Lee, as I’ve said before. They are like polar opposites and I love different aspects of both of them. Tough one!

Right, time to go heat up my spag bol leftovers. I’ve got a bottle of red and Lisa said she might come by and hang out. I don’t mind, but she talks all the time about Joel and it doesn’t sound like he’s THAT into her to be honest. Lee says that’s just Joel, he doesn’t show his feelings, preferring to make jokes instead of owning up to anything. Lisa is sensitive like her brother and she’s finding it hard as he’s out all the time partying and she doesn’t know where or who with. At least when Lee’s out he’s working and he texts me when he can. He tells me he loves me every day and I feel it. It’s not just words coming out his gob. Lee has tried to talk to Joel, but he did the thing he normally does which is make a joke. Oh well. We shall drink wine, I shall smoke out the window and we shall watch something spooktastic.

laters. 🙂

 

 

He’shereLee’sherehe’shereLee’shere! :)

Hahaha!

I’m just in the process of getting my scrubby self gussed up. He arrived at about 4pm with Joel again and is, as I speak, spending some time with Mum and Lisa. He’s coming here after dinner and we are gonna stop in tonight, ALONE as M&D are off out. I don’t know if they realise that Lee isn’t coming with Lisa and Joel. Oh well, not my fault they didn’t ask. I think Joel is stopping in Lincolnshire for the whole half term so I hope we don’t have to hang out with them all the time! Sorry, but this is mine and Lee’s ‘space’, the woods and the graveyard. I doubt that Joel will be particularly bothered about exploring the local ‘tourist’ attractions, ha! He’s a definite city boy and is used to going clubbing and out all the time drinking. Welcome to ‘No man’s (or woman’s) land’, where the drinks are bought when you go into town and stored away behind wardrobes until the next time you can go into town and ASDAs and sneak some more in. I’ve got really good at it, doing it without Mum seeing.

I think I’ve got a bottle of Vodka and two bottles of red wine left. Thing is, if we MUST hang out with Joel and Lisa, at least Joel can drive us around and we might be able to persuade him to take us into town for a night out. I say yay to that!

Before I forget, I want to post the photos taken in London. If I don’t do it now, I’ll forget and then have others to post from this week, so here goes:

Selfie~ it shows Lee’s cute as pie freckles

Me and Lee~ can’t wait for more of this!

Me and Lisa more than half cut in The Crowbar

We went for a walk on Sunday to try and clear our heads. I felt like ass

Lee and Lisa. They are always doing stuff like this and goofing.

Joel thinks he can play guitar but he really couldn’t. Lisa’s effort was better with one hand.

Lisa and Joel as pissed as.

Oh my God! I had better go and get my dinner sorted. I think it’s gonna be spaghetti. I got some quorn mince and marinated it last night in my tomato and garlic spesh, so it should be scrum. I might feed Lee some later on and then he can eat ME for dessert. Oh my days. I fucking love his ass. I’ve dyed my hair again, it’s really purple! I hope he likes it. He was into the pastel bluey colour but that washed out really fast. Notice in the photos I just had normal hair colour. boooooooooooooooooooring!

I’m outta here!