December 5, 2013
I have been getting a whole bunch of excited as the festive season approaches. Two more weeks at college and then I break up with 3 weeks off! Lee told me that he’s also got 3 weeks and before I really sat down and fucking THOUGHT about it, I started making all these plans in my head about what me and him can get up to with 3 whole muthafuckin weeks on our hands to spend TOGETHER.
But then, of course, the raindrops of shit began falling on my head. AS ALWAYS!
He has to see his Dad. His penis of a Dad will not come here and spend it with his ex family so Lisa and Lee will have to go there. To Leeds. That’s about 2 hours away. At least it isn’t going to be on Christmas actual DAY but still, when? I want to be with him on New Years else I will end up in a drunken stupor in my room alone, probably listening to depressing music and smoking my chest into ashes. I know it’s selfish but fuck it. He had an affair so he shouldn’t be the one calling all the shots!
M&D have told me that they are ‘deeply disappointed’ with my ‘conduct’ and that despite being given a ‘very reasonable’ (pfff) allowance and the chance to earn money to have driving lessons after Christmas, the revelation concerning SMOKING has counteracted all the trust they were building up in me and their hopes for me growing up and not being such a spoilt brat. Yes, Dad actually used the term SPOILT BRAT. Jesus. I am so desperate for a fag now that I have smoked all my hidden packets that I had stashed away or just left under piles of other crap in my room, and now I am CRAVING for the sake of fuck, and I NEVER did before! Dad thinks he is tackling this issue by being the authoritarian who DICTATES what I put into my body, but actually the numbskull has gone and made it all ten times WORSE. I really want a fucking rollup NOW after Lee just called me to tell me about his Dad! I might have to call Kate or my other not-quite-friend from college, Alex. He will bring me tobacco. The thing is though, Alex asked me OUT as in ON A DATE ‘out’ about a week ago and hasn’t spoken to me since. Just a feeble nod and turn of the face away when walking past me. So if I call him and get him to come over, he’ll think it’s to hang out and talk about THAT issue. Plus I NEVER invite people here so M&D are gonna wonder what the hell. Then I will have to lie and say he’s a friend, but then when he doesn’t come again they’ll remember and start grilling me about where Alex fucking is and why/what/how/who …
My life is crammed FULL of dilemmas. I am TRYING so hard not to lie. I used to lie all the time about everything, but since I have met Lee I have learned, from him, that it’s not good. IN THE END. Of course the most humungous lie I tell is that Lee and I are just friends. Hahahaha because it’s not worth the grief if they find out, he will be BANNED from even looking in my direction! I didn’t lie exactly about smoking because they never asked…now I am grounded and I have t give my Mum RECEIPTS when we go to ASDAs food shopping and for everything else I buy like makeup, books, music, clothes….so I don’t buy my beloved Amber Leaf…..aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrghhhh. am soooooooooo gagging right now!
And I want to buy Lee a cool present for Christmas but how can I if they think we’re only mates they might give me like a tenner or something.
They have said I am allowed one present because of the driving lessons. Wow. The only thing I want right now can’t be bought with money.
Oh fuck it. I’m calling Alex…..
June 2, 2013
I can’t believe he has gone.
Again I feel lost, cold, empty and alone.
The only relief is to lay in my bed that still smells of him, pull the sheets over my head and breathe….breathe and make believe he’s here again. Relive every second I can remember.
My God, what is this misery…..
I want to smoke again. I want to drink myself numb. Just once. (or maybe more) Just to get through this next few days.
Fuck I am so miserable 😦
April 21, 2013
I had just Skyped with D and then got a huge urge to see if Lee was back yet. Saturday night he usually works til at least 1am but it was about that time so I swapped screen. I was shocked to see a girl in his room. I managed to take a shot of her. Here she is. Who the HELL is she? And WHY is she in Lee’s room at 1am and he’s NOT?
April 1, 2013
Oh my life. What a fortnight!
Just to say that it has been completely crazy.
Some bad shit has happened. Namely the worst being that Lee’s Dad has lost his job. I don’t know whether I’ve told you about Lee’s parents, but they are really nice people and don’t deserve this shit. Basically, Lee’s Pops left the house to Lee’s Dad many years ago as inheritance, but Lee told me that his Dad was taken ill and physically couldn’t work and they almost had to sell it and move away. That was a year ago. Now he has just lost his job again so they are in deep shit. There are NO jobs around here, we are out in the middle of fuckety-nowhere, and luckily for my Dad they needed a Doctor so here WE are. Not so great for them though. Lisa has been round here crying, saying that they will have to sell the house. She doesn’t want to leave here. Lee is really going out of his head with worry. He has seen his Dad almost go through a nervous break down and is concerned it might happen again. My Dad has been round there talking to his Dad and checking that he’s keeping positive.
The offset of this is that Lee has had to find a part time job in London to support himself. I didn’t see a lot of him for 3 days as he was going round people he knows asking about work. He has found a job in a pub. Not ideal, but I guess better than having to give up Uni altogether.
I am writing this as lee is getting ready to go back to London. I am beyond gutted right now. I expected to be spending my whole two weeks with him and it was going to be frickin awesome. We had been talking about it for ages, working out our plans for him climbing up to my window at night and all that. He has to work. End of.
And typically, my parents are NOT HERE now and we should have had the house to ourselves. They have gone to Greece to see my Dad’s M&D. Easter is a huge celebration out there and so they decided to go. They were pretty cool about me staying back here, although we had to go through the ‘Lee doesn’t sleep in your room under any circumstances’ bollocks. Of course he did, though!
So I am all over the place because I am going to Greece TOMORROW!!! My Gran and Pops are getting here in about an hour and tomorrow they are taking me to East Midlands Airport! I am well excited but I WANT TO BE WITH LEE.
My stuff is almost packed. Dad keeps calling me to check up on me and he has told me that it’s not that warm there so no swimsuits needed. Shame. It’s gonna be so cool! It will be weird to meet my Greek Yiayia and Papous (Granny and Grandad) and we won’t be able to talk much. I have learned kalimera, (good morning) hairetai, (nice to meet you) and ti kanete yiayia/papous (how are you doing gran/grandad).
So, here I am. Suitcase and contents strewn all over my room, Lee heading back here in about 10 minutes to say goodbye and then my Pops is arriving. Chester will go to Lee’s and Lisa will walk him. Oh man….I will write another blog but I don’t know when. I am obviously taking my laptop for skyping with Lee although Dad says Papous hasn’t got internet and Lee will be working til crap knows what time of the nights from now on.
Fuck my life.
Thessaloniki, please take my mind off all this…………..
March 10, 2013
I haven’t written for a while because of a few factors….the most obvious being that watching Lee on Skype and having it on all the time means I can’t manage to peel my eyes off the screen for long enough to write a blog post.
Also, I have been off college again for a few days. Had a sick bug or something. loads of people got it and I always get whatever illness is going round. Ironic seeing as my Dad is a frickin Doctor! I did think for a horrific hour or two that I might be pregnant but thinking about it logically (and not getting into that much detail on here), it is VERY doubtful. Careful is an understatement as far as Lee is concerned.
Lastly and honestly, not a lot was going on. Nothing really worth writing about at least.
I came back from Kate’s yesterday afternoon around 4pm and went straight to Skype as Lee said he had just come back and would be there to chat before he started getting ready to go out. (Did I mention I hate Saturday nights?) So I sat down at my desk and looked at the screen. I saw a girl standing by Lee’s bed. It wasn’t Annabelle, it was some girl I didn’t know obviously. She was just standing there looking down at his unmade bed, hands in her jacket pockets. She obviously didn’t know he leaves Skype on!
So, I texted him, asking him where he was. He said downstairs in the shared lounge with Annabelle and that he would be there in 2 minutes. I sent him another saying that there was a girl in his room. He then called me straight away and I could hear he was lunging up the stairs. He asked me what she looked like and how long she had been there, what she was doing etc.
Then I saw him fly into the room and stop dead when he saw her. There was a few seconds of silence and then she turned to look at him. I heard him go ‘Steph, what are you doing in here?’ and suddenly she was throwing herself at him, her arms going round his neck and he stumbled back and thudded against the half closed door, slamming it shut. He was then trying to push her off him, but she keot coming back at him and grabbing out. I heard her go ‘Please lee’ a few times before he slipped under her and came really close up to the laptop for a split second and disappearing out of view.
I felt sick. Like I was intruding but I couldn’t look away. I maybe should have switched Skype off or just minimised it, but I was transfixed in a really ugly, dark way. I never thought about the consequences of being able to see into each other’s rooms 24/7. It had never crossed my mind that I would see another GIRL in there! I mean I know that Annabelle goes in when he is there because I see her sometimes in the morning. But not some random chic called Steph who he has never mentioned!
So I kept watching. I could hear him but he was out of view. Getting as far away from her as possible I guess. She was crying and sitting on the bed, almost looking straight at the laptop. It felt fucking weird. She was saying that her and him were meant to be together and that he shouldn’t be with some 17 year old who lived hundreds of miles away! I then debated whether I should just switch off. I could hardly bare to hear his response. Thank God though, he defended me and said it was nothing to do with her or anyone else and that he loved me. Oh Holy fuck thank you!
That was when I went out with Chester even though it was pissing with rain by then.
Poor Lee. He knew I could see it all and must have felt fucking shit. When I got back about half hour later I had 20 missed calls. I had forgotten my phone. I had calmed down by then and called him. She had finally gone but had said that it wasn’t finished. Disturbed at all?
He had met her a few weeks ago but told her he was in a relationship. She had come round to the Halls a few times looking for him lately and spoken to Annabelle who had obviously told her everything about me. The ammunition at least. Bitch. Lee told me not to be mad at her but I can’t help it. You don’t pursue if someone tells you they are in a relationship and specially you fucking don’t go to their Halls and walk into their room! None of their doors lock, but they don’t usually care cos the front door has got a security buzzer and they all trust each other as they are all good buds who live there. Annabelle must have let her in. If I find out Annabelle knows about our Skyping 24/7 then I would deduce she let her in and took pleasure in the fact that she knew I would see her there. Fucksake.
I am so sick and tired of this long distance shit. I feel like I am the last one to know everything.
December 27, 2012
Well that’s ‘the talk’ over with.
Basically, M&D are worried that me and Lee are going to start having sex (how embarrassing to hear them talk about it?) and they are worried that in this ‘tiny’ community where people gossip, me and Lee will be the centre of everyone’s attention and it will look bad.
My Dad is concerned about how much I am going to show THEM up! He doesn’t give a flying fucking shit about me or how I feel or what I want!
Oh jesus. I am going to go properly MENTAL.
I am ONLY 17 years old! Lee is 2 years older than me. OH WHAT A FRICKIN CRIME!!!! And?????????????????????
I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow, but Dad says he’s going to talk to Lee’s Mum when she goes to the Surgery in the morning to clean. Oh sweet crap. I am ‘allowed’ to invite Lee over tomorrow because Mum will be in all day. Thanks a fucking load. I feel like a small, pathetic kid. I mean, Holy crap, Lee is at UNI, he can do whatever he wants, when he wants and with whomever he wants. Why in the fuck would he choose to be with me, a prisoner in her parents’ house because they treat her like a 12 year old? What in hell is he gonna think when he hears this?????????
December 18, 2012
I’m still ill. It really knocked me for 6, I still feel dazed and wobbly and when I sit up I get dizzy. Colds are viruses and Dad said it’s normal. It doesn’t feel normal! I need to be 100% for Saturday when Lee comes home. Oh I can’t wait. Time is going so slooooooooooooooooow…
Guess what? He sent me this picture. I remember taking it when we were walking through the graveyard in late August. I snatched his phone out of his pocket and he chased me for a bit and tried to trip me up, but I ‘persuaded’ him to pose. He knows I can beat the living shit out of him if I want hahaha. He hated it, but look what a GORGEOUS pic came out!
This is the ONLY photo he has let me have so make the most of it!
I certainly am.
He really can’t see how good looking he is. I can.
I have enlarged it and printed it out. It’s now up next to my bed. Casey, you sad sap!
I’ve got to go back to college tomorrow to get my Christmas project stuff and give in some bits and pieces I have finished today. Bloody Kate hasn’t been in touch, charming! I have been calling and calling. No text either. People really piss me off. That’s why I would rather have animals. They don’t let you down.
My hair has faded a bit but I’m going to dye it again tomorrow ready for Saturday. Lee said my hair looked ‘amazing’ by the way.
Oh I can’t wait to see him. I wonder how long I’ve got with him before a) Annabelle turns up and starts flinging her dreadlocks around and b) before my demanding grandparents arrive.
My parents don’t know what to buy me for Christmas and Mum is getting pissed! What?!
I have tried to explain that, like Valentine’s Day and other mass media consumer ‘delights’ it’s all for the sake of multi-million pound profit making companies to slurp even more profit from gullible people. Most people are already in debt and this will probably finish them off for good. Others may have kids who see all the adverts on TV and start demanding things that poor parents can’t afford. Come on! Most of the presents given this Christmas will either be broken or forgotten about by New Year. Bullshit. Plus imagine the resources used up from the environment! Paper,metals, plastics……Jesus.
I didn’t used to be like this, by the way. Only a year ago I was hoarding a PS3, Laptop, and various other gadgets under my bed because I had been bought them and simply couldn’t be arsed to open the boxes. My parents would give me anything I asked for so things had gotten like, I don’t know, valueless?
It was only when I got to know Lee and Lisa that it all came home to me how privileged I was. I don’t want to go into it as I have explained before, it’s weird and creepy, but just to say; THINGS DON’T MAKE YOU HAPPY!
So I have asked for some art materials.
December 16, 2012
By the way, I am referring to the ‘Christian’ version of Christmas. In fact, I believe what it discussed on the Zeitgeist movie; 21st December is the day when the sun is reborn and thus a new year begins. NOT the son of God. The actual SUN that is in our sky and gives life…and without it we would die. THAT one. So in fact, according to my own beliefs, 5 days to go. But anyways….
Urrgh. I feel like shit. Fuzzy head, sore throat, aching limbs. Frickin hideous. I keep thinking, not long to go til I get to see Lee again!
a). Annabelle is probably coming. Ruination! Will she try and drag her visit out? Has she got ulterior motives? Does she want Lee? (Who the hell wouldn’t??!!!)
b). My Grandparents are coming. My mum’s parents, not my Dad’s. I wish my Dad’s parents were coming I have only met them once cos they live in Salonika, Greece. My mum and dad have been quite a few times, but the problem is that mum can’t speak Greek and they can’t speak English! Apparently dad tried to teach mum some phrases, but she fricked it up when she tried to say ‘good morning’ to them she said ‘kalamari’ which is squid! Hahahahahahah!!! She should have said ‘Kalimera’ I am getting to be quite curious about my foreign roots! My Dad gave me a book called The Thread by Victoria Heslop. It’s pretty good. He says it will tell me a bit about where he comes from. I have read like, two pages, my brain is mashed, remember!? :(. Anyhow the point is, I will be expected to hang out at home while they are here. RUINATION. I hope it’s not for too long. Make it when Annabelle is here? That would be tooooooo good to be true though. Errr no! I don’t want her flirting and swishing her blue dreadlocks around while I’m not there. Yes, but she’s always with Lee in London. COME ON CASEY GET A GRIP!
c). I get all happy and dizzy when he comes (Sunday- a week today!) but when he leaves I cry for days and just want to get in bed and pull the duvet over my head and ignore the world. Which usually is what ends up happening.
Anyways. Mum has just brought me some garlic bread. I would usually have devoured it before she had a chance to put it on my plate, but right now, I’m like, blurghhh. Look here it is……oh crap.