The latest:

I have been getting a whole bunch of excited as the festive season approaches. Two more weeks at college and then I break up with 3 weeks off! Lee told me that he’s also got 3 weeks and before I really sat down and fucking THOUGHT about it, I started making all these plans in my head about what me and him can get up to with 3 whole muthafuckin weeks on our hands to spend TOGETHER.

But then, of course, the raindrops of shit began falling on my head. AS ALWAYS!

He has to see his Dad. His penis of a Dad will not come here and spend it with his ex family so Lisa and Lee will have to go there. To Leeds. That’s about 2 hours away. At least it isn’t going to be on Christmas actual DAY but still, when? I want to be with him on New Years else I will end up in a drunken stupor in my room alone, probably listening to depressing music and smoking my chest into ashes. I know it’s selfish but fuck it. He had an affair so he shouldn’t be the one calling all the shots!

M&D have told me that they are ‘deeply disappointed’ with my ‘conduct’ and that despite being given a ‘very reasonable’ (pfff) allowance and the chance to earn money to have driving lessons after Christmas, the revelation concerning SMOKING has counteracted all the trust they were building up in me and their hopes for me growing up and not being such a spoilt brat. Yes, Dad actually used the term SPOILT BRAT. Jesus. I am so desperate for a fag now that I have smoked all my hidden packets that I had stashed away or just left under piles of other crap in my room, and now I am CRAVING for the sake of fuck, and I NEVER did before! Dad thinks he is tackling this issue by being the authoritarian who DICTATES what I put into my body, but actually the numbskull has gone and made it all ten times WORSE. I really want a fucking rollup NOW after Lee just called me to tell me about his Dad! I might have to call Kate or my other not-quite-friend from college, Alex. He will bring me tobacco. The thing is though, Alex asked me OUT as in ON A DATE ‘out’ about a week ago and hasn’t spoken to me since. Just a feeble nod and turn of the face away when walking past me. So if I call him and get him to come over, he’ll think it’s to hang out and talk about THAT issue. Plus I NEVER invite people here so M&D are gonna wonder what the hell. Then I will have to lie and say he’s a friend, but then when he doesn’t come again they’ll remember and start grilling me about where Alex fucking is and why/what/how/who …

My life is crammed FULL of dilemmas. I am TRYING so hard not to lie. I used to lie all the time about everything, but since I have met Lee I have learned, from him, that it’s not good. IN THE END. Of course the most humungous lie I tell is that Lee and I are just friends. Hahahaha because it’s not worth the grief if they find out, he will be BANNED from even looking in my direction! I didn’t lie exactly about smoking because they never asked…now I am grounded and I have t give my Mum RECEIPTS when we go to ASDAs food shopping and for everything else I buy like makeup, books, music, clothes….so I don’t buy my beloved Amber Leaf…..aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrghhhh.  am soooooooooo gagging right now!

And I want to buy Lee a cool present for Christmas but how can I if they think we’re only mates they might give me like a tenner or something.

They have said I am allowed one present because of the driving lessons. Wow. The only thing I want right now can’t be bought with money.


Oh fuck it. I’m calling Alex…..

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down and out cold

June 2, 2013

I can’t believe he has gone.

Again I feel lost, cold, empty and alone.

The only relief is to lay in my bed that still smells of him, pull the sheets over my head and breathe….breathe and make believe he’s here again. Relive every second I can remember.

My God, what is this misery…..

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I want to smoke again. I want to drink myself numb. Just once. (or maybe more) Just to get through this next few days.

Fuck I am so miserable 😦

Last night.

I had just Skyped with D and then got a huge urge to see if Lee was back yet. Saturday night he usually works til at least 1am but it was about that time so I swapped screen. I was shocked to see a girl in his room. I managed to take a shot of her. Here she is. Who the HELL is she? And WHY is she in Lee’s room at 1am and he’s NOT?

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Oh my life. What a fortnight!

Just to say that it has been completely crazy.

Some bad shit has happened. Namely the worst being that Lee’s Dad has lost his job. I don’t know whether I’ve told you about Lee’s parents, but they are really nice people and don’t deserve this shit. Basically, Lee’s Pops left the house to Lee’s Dad many years ago as inheritance, but Lee told me that his Dad was taken ill and physically couldn’t work and they almost had to sell it and move away. That was a year ago. Now he has just lost his job again so they are in deep shit. There are NO jobs around here, we are out in the middle of fuckety-nowhere, and luckily for my Dad they needed a Doctor so here WE are. Not so great for them though. Lisa has been round here crying, saying that they will have to sell the house. She doesn’t want to leave here. Lee is really going out of his head with worry. He has seen his Dad almost go through a nervous break down and is concerned it might happen again. My Dad has been round there talking to his Dad and checking that he’s keeping positive.

The offset of this is that Lee has had to find a part time job in London to support himself. I didn’t see a lot of him for 3 days as he was going round people he knows asking about work. He has found a job in a pub. Not ideal, but I guess better than having to give up Uni altogether.

I am writing this as lee is getting ready to go back to London. I am beyond gutted right now. I expected to be spending my whole two weeks with him and it was going to be frickin awesome. We had been talking about it for ages, working out our plans for him climbing up to my window at night and all that. He has to work. End of.

And typically, my parents are NOT HERE now and we should have had the house to ourselves. They have gone to Greece to see my Dad’s M&D. Easter is a huge celebration out there and so they decided to go. They were pretty cool about me staying back here, although we had to go through the ‘Lee doesn’t sleep in your room under any circumstances’ bollocks. Of course he did, though!

So I am all over the place because I am going to Greece TOMORROW!!! My Gran and Pops are getting here in about an hour and tomorrow they are taking me to East Midlands Airport! I am well excited but I WANT TO BE WITH LEE.

My stuff is almost packed. Dad keeps calling me to check up on me and he has told me that it’s not that warm there so no swimsuits needed. Shame. It’s gonna be so cool! It will be weird to meet my Greek Yiayia and Papous (Granny and Grandad) and we won’t be able to talk much. I have learned kalimera, (good morning) hairetai, (nice to meet you) and ti kanete yiayia/papous (how are you doing gran/grandad).

So, here I am. Suitcase and contents strewn all over my room, Lee heading back here in about 10 minutes to say goodbye and then my Pops is arriving. Chester will go to Lee’s and Lisa will walk him. Oh man….I will write another blog but I don’t know when. I am obviously taking my laptop for skyping with Lee although Dad says Papous hasn’t got internet and Lee will be working til crap knows what time of the nights from now on.

Fuck my life.

Thessaloniki, please take my mind off all this…………..


Disturbed at all?

March 10, 2013

I haven’t written for a while because of a few factors….the most obvious being that watching Lee on Skype and having it on all the time means I can’t manage to peel my eyes off the screen for long enough to write a blog post.

Also, I have been off college again for a few days. Had a sick bug or something. loads of people got it and I always get whatever illness is going round. Ironic seeing as my Dad is a frickin Doctor! I did think for a horrific hour or two that I might be pregnant but thinking about it logically (and not getting into that much detail on here), it is VERY doubtful. Careful is an understatement as far as Lee is concerned.

Lastly and honestly, not a lot was going on. Nothing really worth writing about at least.

Until now.

I came back from Kate’s yesterday afternoon around 4pm and went straight to Skype as Lee said he had just come back and would be there to chat before he started getting ready to go out. (Did I mention I hate Saturday nights?) So I sat down at my desk and looked at the screen. I saw a girl standing by Lee’s bed. It wasn’t Annabelle, it was some girl I didn’t know obviously. She was just standing there looking down at his unmade bed, hands in her jacket pockets. She obviously didn’t know he leaves Skype on!

So, I texted him, asking him where he was. He said downstairs in the shared lounge with Annabelle and that he would be there in 2 minutes. I sent him another saying that there was a girl in his room. He then called me straight away and I could hear he was lunging up the stairs. He asked me what she looked like and how long she had been there, what she was doing etc.

Then I saw him fly into the room and stop dead when he saw her. There was a few seconds of silence and then she turned to look at him. I heard him go ‘Steph, what are you doing in here?’ and suddenly she was throwing herself at him, her arms going round his neck and he stumbled back and thudded against the half closed door, slamming it shut. He was then trying to push her off him, but she keot coming back at him and grabbing out. I heard her go ‘Please lee’ a few times before he slipped under her and came really close up to the laptop for a split second and disappearing out of view.

I felt sick. Like I was intruding but I couldn’t look away. I maybe should have switched Skype off or just minimised it, but I was transfixed in a really ugly, dark way. I never thought about the consequences of being able to see into each other’s rooms 24/7. It had never crossed my mind that I would see another GIRL in there! I mean I know that Annabelle goes in when he is there because I see her sometimes in the morning. But not some random chic called Steph who he has never mentioned!

So I kept watching. I could hear him but he was out of view. Getting as far away from her as possible I guess. She was crying and sitting on the bed, almost looking straight at the laptop. It felt fucking weird. She was saying that her and him were meant to be together and that he shouldn’t be with some 17 year old who lived hundreds of miles away! I then debated whether I should just switch off. I could hardly bare to hear his response. Thank God though, he defended me and said it was nothing to do with her or anyone else and that he loved me. Oh Holy fuck thank you!

That was when I went out with Chester even though it was pissing with rain by then.

Poor Lee. He knew I could see it all and must have felt fucking shit. When I got back about half hour later I had 20 missed calls. I had forgotten my phone. I had calmed down by then and called him. She had finally gone but had said that it wasn’t finished. Disturbed at all?

He had met her a few weeks ago but told her he was in a relationship. She had come round to the Halls a few times looking for him lately and spoken to Annabelle who had obviously told her everything about me. The ammunition at least. Bitch. Lee told me not to be mad at her but I can’t help it. You don’t pursue if someone tells you they are in a relationship and specially you fucking don’t go to their Halls and walk into their room! None of their doors lock, but they don’t usually care cos the front door has got a security buzzer and they all trust each other as they are all good buds who live there. Annabelle must have let her in. If I find out Annabelle knows about our Skyping 24/7 then I would deduce she let her in and took pleasure in the fact that she knew I would see her there. Fucksake.

I am so sick and tired of this long distance shit. I feel like I am the last one to know everything.



The rest could have two meanings….the rest as in all the bizarre stuff since that day or the fact that I have hardly been able to get out of bed since.

Yes, I drank waaaaaaaay too much.

So I got there (to Lee and Lisa’s party) a bit late. I had been divving around with my hair and stuff, as well as having sneaked nearly half a bottle of wine into my room and consumed it. Bad mistake! I staggered/walked to their’s and arrived about an hour after everyone else and Lee was like, where have you been I’ve been trying to call you. He had wanted to see me before they all came,  DAMN… I needed to talk to him and we would have had privacy with no parents around. But by then it was too late.

The living room was like a disco sauna and filled with people. I could tell immediately who Lisa’s mates were cos they were dressed in horrendously bright clothes. Is that the latest fashion? Blindingly horrific shades of greens and oranges? Bleuugh. Maybe it was the heat in there combined with my consumption of wine that made my eyes go squiffy.

So I plopped down in the nearest empty seat. Most people were dancing to some shitty chart music but there were some older guys sitting around on cushions laughing and drinking beer out of bottles. Lee came from in the hallway and as the lounge door opened I heard a lot of female laughter. Later on when I went to the loo I found out there were swarms of girls sitting on the stairs. Lee had been sitting with them, obviously. There were some boys there too so I hoped he had been with them.

Anyways, Lee came in and asked what I wanted to drink. I chose beer as he was drinking it. He said if I wanted I could go upstairs to his room as his crowd were mostly up there. Off I went. I was actually pleasantly surprised as it was quiet in his room with some rock music in the background instead of ‘Will I (fucking) am’, and masses of rainbow bodies flinging themselves around. He introduced me to everyone (this is my best bud Casey who I’ve told you all about. Best BUD?’) and there were some grungy looking girls there as well and my heart fell into my jeans. Until I saw that they all had male arms draped around their necks. Phewzies.

I tried to relax and it was ok at that point because I had had enough alcohol to sit and grin at everyone and answer their questions. Usually I just sit and stare at my boots in those situations, but I really wanted to be nice to Lee’s friends and they really seemed like cool people to hang out with. I was aware that Lee wasn’t around me much, but he kept asking if I was ok and handing me more beer so I didn’t complain. I got talking to a guy called Mark who I had seen somewhere before. We laughed about it for a while and eventually we worked it out. He had been working in the College Library for a while but had left recently. It was strange because at that point, Lee seemed to stick around me more….

I was pretty drunk by 11:00 and had got myself involved in a really hilarious game of Twister. Oh my God. It was soooooooo fucking childish but so funny. Lee got involved a few times but couldn’t do it for laughing so was sitting on the side lines watching us make dicks of ourselves. Some others had started dancing (well, head banging is more the description) and they had put Rage Against the Machine on and some Nirvana. I wobbled over to them and started swaying to it and Lee had to catch me a few times and I remember trying to get him to dance. This was the point that changed the hilarity.

Someone stopped the rock and put on some slushy mush that got all the couples up from their clenches on the floor and dancing like they were having vertical sex. I was like, what the fuckety fuck, and went to sit down, but Lee caught my arm. I thought he wanted to dance (by this point I was ready to jump on him and rip his clothes off btw, drunk that I really was) and I attempted to wrap my arms around his neck. (No, Casey…) I swear I heard some people snigger and Lee’s name mentioned, but you know when you’ve had that much to drink and you simply don’t give a monkey’s fuck? Yep, that was me.

He then had hold of my wrists and was trying to ease my arms down off his neck, but I remember snuggling into his chest and swaying and (I hate to say this) SINGING in his ear!

The next thing I knew I was being lead out of the door. The cool air hit me then and suddenly we were in another bedroom. I think it was Lisa’s as it seemed small (and that’s also how I felt). Lee was facing me in the dark and I thought he was going to yell his head off. Blood was pumping through my veins and my head was banging from the drink and the sudden change of atmosphere. He just said, really calmly: Casey what the fuck are you doing to me?

At that point I fell back, assuming there was a bed there. Thank fuck there was, else how messed up would I have looked? Lee sat next to me in the dark and I could hear my breathing really loudly. (Why does that happen when you’re pissed?) I muttered some kind of sorry and he then started laughing. What..I was like, make your mind up! Then he asked me if I was drunk. The poor naive guy didn’t know!!!

I said yes and he sounded amused, but asked if I was ok. Yes, Lee, apart from being desperately in traumatising and all-consuming love with you! I asked him what he had meant by ‘What the fuck are you doing to me’ and he said that he so wanted to dance with me like that but we were meant to be being careful. He said he was pretty drunk, but not that drunk to do something fucking stupid that he would regret. I was nearly crying (again? wtf?) and I said why regret something you want? By which he answered

‘If I had started kissing you in there I would never have stopped.’

Then we had a definite, unfuckingbelievable, oh my god moment.

Everyone started shouting Happy New Year.

We both started laughing and we leaned into each other and nearly banged heads. He stood up, laughing and said we should go and join in with the others. He grabbed my hand in the dark and pulled me. I ended up with my arms round him and he hugged me. The next thing I know,we are kissing. Not some half hearted peck for New Year. This was IT. It was indescribable. It seemed to go on forever, I was just enveloped in this cloud of warmth and fuzzy drunkeness and Lee’s hot lips. OH MY FUCKING GOD.

After what seemed like hours, he pulled away and said we should go. Everyone had gone from his room and there was screaming and shouting and very loud music (if you can call Jessie J music) coming from the living room. I was all wobbly on my feet and Lee held my hand and eased me down the stairs. We walked (well, I kinda swayed) into the lounge and a few of Lee’s mates looked at us and smiled, Lisa nudged her friend she was dancing with and winked at him. I was thinking, this is a dream, Casey. Don’t move, don’t even BREATH in case you wake up.

Lisa then grabbed me and pulled me into her dancing circle and said in my ear ‘I knew it! At last! Happy New Year Year.’ I smiled and wished it back to her, trying to look round and see where Lee had gone, but I couldn’t see him anywhere. I started panicking and stumbled into the kitchen. Lots of empties but no Lee. I saw the back door open and peered outside. Pitch black but lovely, crisp cold night air that promised to sober me up. So I went and sat out on the patio for a while on a plastic chair. Peace.

I sat out there for ages, going over what had happened with Lee in Lisa’s room. Had I imagined it? It got to the point where I couldn’t tell what the time was any more. I hadn’t got a watch on. I tried to listen out for the church clock striking but the noise from the living room drowned anything like normality out. Then I started to feel weird. Panicky. I had sobered up enough to not be able to  face going in amongst that din and drunkeness. My head was banging, I felt sick and I couldn’t face Lee. So I decided, just like that, to go home.

I trudged across the lawn and tried to find the gate at the bottom of the garden. It was so dark. I managed to grope around and find it and almost fell over on the path to my house. It seemed like an age before I reached my garden gate, but it was nice to see the security light come on and the back door beckon. M&D werent home so as quickly as I could I let myself in, almost crawled up the stairs to my attic, tried to throw up in the loo just to make myself feel better, and just fell back on the bed. The room started spinning at that point and my phone started ringing. Lee was calling me. I couldn’t answer it so I waited for it, BEGGED it to stop ringing and then quickly texted him before he could ring again. I was a mess. Happy, confused, bewildered and a mess. It’s times like that that I need to be on my own. The last thing I wanted to let Lee see after such a delicious kiss was me puking my guts up probably everywhere but in the toilet.

The last thing I remember was looking at my phone to see the message ‘Please come back’ from Lee with 3 kisses on the end and hearing my phone ring about 5 times. Then I woke up, probably an hour later and puked.

Woke up with a horrific hang over, fully clothed, on my bed, at midday. My phone woke me up. This time I had to answer it. Lee said he was coming over in half and hour…..

Part 2 coming soon 🙂

Well that’s ‘the talk’ over with.


Basically, M&D are worried that me and Lee are going to start having sex (how embarrassing to hear them talk about it?) and they are worried that in this ‘tiny’ community where people gossip, me and Lee will be the centre of everyone’s attention and it will look bad.

Look bad???!!!

My Dad is concerned about how much I am going to show THEM up! He doesn’t give a flying fucking shit about me or how I feel or what I want!

Oh jesus. I am going to go properly MENTAL.

I am ONLY 17 years old! Lee is 2 years older than me. OH WHAT A FRICKIN CRIME!!!! And?????????????????????

I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow, but Dad says he’s going to talk to Lee’s Mum when she goes to the Surgery in the morning to clean. Oh sweet crap. I am ‘allowed’ to invite Lee over tomorrow because Mum will be in all day. Thanks a fucking load. I feel like a small, pathetic kid. I mean, Holy crap, Lee is at UNI, he can do whatever he wants, when he wants and with whomever he wants. Why in the fuck would he choose to be with me, a prisoner in her parents’ house because they treat her like a 12 year old? What in hell is he gonna think when he hears this?????????


Oh no. Jeezuz. It’s so long ago since I wrote and a lot has happened. Stuff with Lee, Christmas, Grandparents,  Parents and all that. I think I will only be able to write if  I just talk about the main events. Well, the main event has been/is that I have hardly seen Lee at all due to Grandparents being here and also for the fact that I tried to ‘abscond’ and meet him during the night but I was found out. And grounded. How fucking humiliating.

So. Let’s go back a few days.

After the morning of Sunday’s happy but ‘beginning of a hideous chain of events’ day, I managed to persuade M&D to let Lee come round and we had to sit in the frickin living room and watch TV with them keep coming in and out to check up on us. It was awful. Lee had been texting me all day, saying that he was really sorry about falling asleep and that I should totally play innocent to my M&D and act sorry. He reckons that if I rebelled and kicked off, (as I usually do) then they may stop us seeing each other all together. I guess he’s right. Once again, Lee licks me into shape and stops me fucking everything up even more. Thank God he’s sensible.

We didn’t get to talk about the sleeping together episode. Not that evening anyway. He stood up at 11pm and said he had to go. Noone else was in the room for a few seconds and he kissed me on the cheek and squeezed my hand. Then again, he does that anyway so it wasn’t exactly a revelation. I went to bed that night so frustrated I wanted to really kick off at someone. Namely Mum. We texted each other late into the night, I just couldn’t sleep and neither could he. I told him I was really glad I had woken up with his arm round me and he said he had felt really happy too. I plucked up courage to ask him by text what it meant (it’s so much easier for me than asking him to his face or even on the phone. I don’t trust my voice, my eyes or my body language). He replied with this. I’ve saved it on my phone:

‘I feel that we are in a strange situation. I love you as a best bud but I feel something else for you that I haven’t sussed out yet. I don’t want to start anything with you until it’s clearer in our heads and this has all blown over with our parents. Agreed?’

Fuck! So he does feel something! I knew it!

I have been staring at that message since Sunday night.

I have tried to ask him more but he keeps asking me to leave the subject be for a while. I don’t want to piss him off so I will have to do as he asks. I know now that we’re more than friends. Progress!!!

So yes. The next day was Chrimbo Eve. My Grandparents turned up at about 12am so I didn’t get to see Lee at all. I had only been awake 10 minutes when Mum called up and demanded I go down and say hi to them. It was really nice to see them and I particularly get on with Grandpa Albie and we had some fab chats during the day. He loved my blue hair! Grandpa rocks! Mum told me that he used to be in a heavy metal band when he was younger so that’s why we gel so much I guess. Gran said that he was a rebel and used to throw stuff at her bedroom window so she would come down and see him. That was when they were teens. Cool. (It kinda gave me the courage to do what I did later on that evening, but more on that later. )


My G Pa

The day went by uneventfully. I kept my phone on silent in the living room so no one would know I was texting Lee continuously. His Aunt, Uncle and loads of cousins were at his house so he was in the same hole of hell. Well, not exactly cos he loves being with them all. He wasn’t answering my messages as promptly as usual so I gathered he was having a good time playing with his little cousins. It’s really sweet actually!

Gran kept asking me about boys and college but I only told her the basics. College is ok. I don’t love it or hate it. I tolerate it because I want my A Levels so i can go to Uni, find my freedom and get out of here and start my own life. She assumes I hang out with boys there but I don’t and she didn’t believe me when I told her that. She kept asking the same bloody questions again and again like she’s got Dimensia. I know she hasn’t, she was just trying to catch me out. By dinner time I was well and truly fucked off and bored so I excused myself and went upstairs to call Lee. He didn’t answer the first few times but then he did and we talked for ages. He said he missed me.

I had an idea. I used to climb down the tree that has branches under my south facing window in the attic. It’s really frickin high but I got to know each and every limb and fork during the summer and managed to climb up and down without doing myself a permanent injury. I asked Lee if he could get out at midnight and he said yes, after being a bit hesitant in the beginning. He said it wasn’t cos he didn’t want to but cos if I got caught it could mean us being in the shit big time. I managed to persuade him, as I usually do, and we arranged to meet in the woodland clearing that has been ‘our’ place ever since we became friends. I was sooooo excited!

So I went to ‘bed’ early that night. I waited until all the house lights were off and there was no noises at all from people moving about in the house. I wrapped up in warm clothes and opened the window. I couldn’t take a torch because the beam might have shone through M&D’s or Grandparent’s room. It was freezing and drizzling and my hood was up so I couldn’t really see what I was doing. I took my time, trying not to slip as the trunk was wet. I managed to get to the bottom in one piece and was just about to leg it across the garden and through the bottom gates when Chester started to bark. I had forgotten about that. I went over and tried to calm him down but of course he could smell me and went berserk! The next thing I knew, the kitchen door was open and Dad was tramping outside with his dressing gown on, shouting, ‘Who’s there? Casey? Casey! Is that you? What the hell are you playing at?’

I stood there like a numpty and waited for the bollocking that I knew was sure to come. Dad was so pissed off. What was I doing outside in the pouring rain, (that I hadn’t noticed) and why would I come outside in the middle of the night? (Slight exaggeration! It was 12:22am).

Needless to say, I was in deep shit. My parents go way over the top with shit like this, as if I’ve knocked someone off with a shovel and I’ve been foiled digging them a shallow grave in the middle of Mum’s flower beds. Jezus. Disaster. Dad growled at me to get back upstairs to bed and that I would not be going anywhere for ‘a very long time’ . Fuck.

I had to text Lee and tell him what had happened. He was gutted. He said that we should have known something would go wrong. I didn’t know what to say to him after that, he was quiet and kept sighing. I dried off, went to bed and lay there, not being able to believe what was happening. I had waited so long to see him and he only lived 10 minutes walk away but it seemed like we were on different planets.


this is what I felt like

Christmas Day was bleak. I tried to show happiness at my presents but it was all fake. What’s the use of presents when you feel so shit inside? Again, I was texting Lee all day but he only answered a few times, saying he was really busy helping his Mum with food and entertaining his cousins. It was a crap day. I ate too many Mince Pies and felt sick. I managed to sneak quite a lot of wine out of the kitchen when they weren’t looking so that kinda numbed the pain a bit and gave the day a slightly surreal tone. I often do that but never in front of them. Dad keeps lots of wine in the cellar and sometimes forgets to lock it. Oh what a pity. I end up smashed out of my skull upstairs in my room. I’ve only puked up once though. Chrimbo day I was quite out of it but managed to hide it well cos no one said anything.


So then it was Boxing Day. I got up really late because mainly I had a hangover and also I couldn’t stand the thought of going down early and having to listen to Gran asking Mum about my non existent boyfriend AGAIN. I am sure Mum had told her about Lee because she was giving me weird looks during lunch. Things were a bit strained. Mum had a word with me in the kitchen when they were all watching TV. She said that she knew I had been sneaking out to see Lee, that neither her nor Dad were born yesterday, and that I had better tread carefully or else. OR ELSE WHAT?

I managed to stick it out til about 3pm and then excused myself and went upstairs. I couldn’t cope any more. I stayed there til about 8pm when I took Chester out for a walk. Mum eyed me with suspicion and had to tell her four times that I wasn’t going to Lee’s. I can’t BELIEVE that I can’t even take Chester for a fucking walk with Lee now. They never questioned us before so why now? Just because we fell asleep in my room! I guess I didn’t help matters by sneaking out the window though. I was so desperate though, I wasn’t thinking straight. I should have listened to Lee when he said it was a bad idea…….

So today. Spent it with the family yet again. Got a bit wasted again on red wine. Pretended to fall asleep on the sofa. I actually might have done. Lee has texted me quite a lot saying he misses me and wants to see me. The feeling is sooooo mutual. We’ve just had an early meal cos G&G are leaving in about an hour. M&D said we will be having a ‘chat’ about the situation after they have left so I am waiting for the onslaught. Lee keeps texting the word calm and putting hearts on the end of the messages. I am going quickly fucking insane…



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I’m still ill. It really knocked me for 6, I still feel dazed and wobbly and when I sit up I get dizzy. Colds are viruses and Dad said it’s normal. It doesn’t feel normal! I need to be 100% for Saturday when Lee comes home. Oh I can’t wait. Time is going so slooooooooooooooooow…

Guess what? He sent me this picture. I remember taking it when we were walking through the graveyard in late August. I snatched his phone out of his pocket and he chased me for a bit and tried to trip me up, but I ‘persuaded’ him to pose. He knows I can beat the living shit out of him if I want hahaha. He hated it, but look what a GORGEOUS pic came out!


This is the ONLY photo he has let me have so make the most of it!

I certainly am.

He really can’t see how good looking he is. I can.

Hell yeh.

I have enlarged it and printed it out. It’s now up next to my bed. Casey, you sad sap!

I’ve got to go back to college tomorrow to get my Christmas project stuff and give in some bits and pieces I have finished today. Bloody Kate hasn’t been in touch, charming! I have been calling and calling. No text either. People really piss me off. That’s why I would rather have animals. They don’t let you down.


My hair has faded a bit but I’m going to dye it again tomorrow ready for Saturday. Lee said my hair looked ‘amazing’ by the way.

Oh I can’t wait to see him. I wonder how long I’ve got with him before a) Annabelle turns up and starts flinging her dreadlocks around and b) before my demanding grandparents arrive.

My parents don’t know what to buy me for Christmas and Mum is getting pissed! What?!

I have tried to explain that, like Valentine’s Day and other mass media consumer ‘delights’ it’s all for the sake of multi-million pound profit making companies to slurp even more profit from gullible people. Most people are already in debt and this will probably finish them off for good. Others may have kids who see all the adverts on TV and start demanding things that poor parents can’t afford. Come on! Most of the presents given this Christmas will either be broken or forgotten about by New Year. Bullshit. Plus imagine the resources used up from the environment! Paper,metals, plastics……Jesus.

I didn’t used to be like this, by the way. Only a year ago I was hoarding a PS3, Laptop, and various other gadgets under my bed because I had been bought them and simply couldn’t be arsed to open the boxes. My parents would give me anything I asked for so things had gotten like, I don’t know, valueless?

It was only when I got to know Lee and Lisa that it all came home to me how privileged I was.  I don’t want to go into it as I have explained before, it’s weird and creepy, but just to say; THINGS DON’T MAKE YOU HAPPY!

So I have asked for some art materials.

By the way, I am referring to the ‘Christian’ version of Christmas. In fact, I believe what it discussed on the Zeitgeist movie; 21st December is the day when the sun is reborn and thus a new year begins. NOT the son of God. The actual SUN that is in our sky and gives life…and without it we would die. THAT one. So in fact, according to my own beliefs, 5 days to go. But anyways….

Urrgh. I feel like shit. Fuzzy head, sore throat, aching limbs. Frickin hideous. I keep thinking, not long to go til I get to see Lee again!

Thing is:

a). Annabelle is probably coming. Ruination! Will she try and drag her visit out? Has she got ulterior motives? Does she want Lee? (Who the hell wouldn’t??!!!)

b). My Grandparents are coming. My mum’s parents, not my Dad’s. I wish my Dad’s parents were coming I have only met them once cos they live in Salonika, Greece. My mum and dad have been quite a few times, but the problem is that mum can’t speak Greek and they can’t speak English! Apparently dad tried to teach mum some phrases, but she fricked it up when she tried to say ‘good morning’ to them she said ‘kalamari’ which is squid! Hahahahahahah!!! She should have said ‘Kalimera’ I am getting to be quite curious about my foreign roots! My Dad gave me a book called The Thread by Victoria Heslop. It’s pretty good. He says it will tell me a bit about where he comes from. I have read like, two pages, my brain is mashed, remember!? :(. Anyhow the point is, I will be expected to hang out at home while they are here. RUINATION. I hope it’s not for too long. Make it when Annabelle is here? That would be tooooooo good to be true though. Errr no! I don’t want her flirting and swishing her blue dreadlocks around while I’m not there. Yes, but she’s always with Lee in London. COME ON CASEY GET A GRIP!

c). I get all happy and dizzy when he comes (Sunday- a week today!) but when he leaves I cry for days and just want to get in bed and pull the duvet over my head and ignore the world. Which usually is what ends up happening.

Anyways. Mum has just brought me some garlic bread. I would usually have devoured it before she had a chance to put it on my plate, but right now, I’m like, blurghhh. Look here it is……oh crap.