This was the point of the conversation last night when I realised I’m a fucking lame person and don’t even deserve to have Lee as a boyfriend. I think we’re over.

I am sitting in the living room on my own. Anna has been in, Chloe and Joel but no Simon and no Lee. I don’t even know how this whole shabang-fuck started, only that one minute I thought my life was a mess but sortable and the next, literally within that space of time when I ate a snack and they came in, it was irretrievably shredded beyond recognition.

Simon must have told Lee we slept together.

Mr Truth has spoken. I mean we can all sit there and fucking go ”Honesty is the best policy…..we learn from our mistakes….” blarg blarg, but when it comes to it, do we REALLY tell the truth? NO! Except Simon does, obviously. What MOTIVE has he got for doing this? He told me after we’d indulged in our mutual lust that he felt better, he’d ‘got it out of his system’ and no one ever needed to find out. I was very ok with that, especially after being ragged on about Richard. Lee took that so well, but I doubted that shagging his best mate in OUR bed would have the same zen effect! I was so right.

So yesterday they (Lee & Si) walked into the kitchen where I was perched precariously on a bar stool, me in my pyjama bottoms with stupid red hearts all over them and rips in them..feeling battered enough, but Lee’s face looked like it had been hit with a lead shovel. his eyes were wide like he was in shock, (well he was I guess), and Simon skulked off upstairs, the fucking yellow coward. He pushed the bags of food onto the counter top and stood there with his back to me for ages, not speaking or moving. When Lee doesn’t speak, you know something catastrophic has happened. I asked what was up and he didn’t move, but I could tell he kept rubbing his hands on his eyes. I think he was crying.

He turned eventually and grabbed my hand, leading me too fast up the two flights. I needed my inhaler when I got to the bedroom and he just swiped his hand towards me as if to say hurry up and just inhale. I did, trying to drag it out. I wanted to get my thoughts together. Rows with Lee are never just structureless yell-fests, they are like university professors having a debate over a midnight brandy.

Then he asked it. “Have you slept with anyone else apart from Richard?”

I retaliated immediately, which was stupid cos it made it obvious I was on the defence.

“I didn’t sleep with Richard.”

I sounded like I was trying to gain points, I could feel my mouth smiling at him as if I had won. I knew it wasn’t a competition but I am childish and puerile. I haven’t learned a single fucking thing from being with him for two years. idiot.

He told me not to be so clever. That he was hurt beyond pain. A kiss and a grope was one thing, but sleeping together?

I decided there and then that I would just deny everything. My usual tack. My usual selfish approach to relationship issue solving. Bravo.

“No I haven’t, Lee. Why would I?”

He then LAUGHED.

“Ok, Casey.” he said, shaking his head in disbelief. I honestly thought this was all a joke and he’d go “GOT YA!” and attack my ribs with his guitar strumming fingers like he always did when he’d managed to verbally prank me. But he sat down on the bed and put his head in his hands. I was appalled when I noticed he was rocking slightly too. I wanted to run but my legs wouldn’t move. My feet felt like molten lead in the carpet.

“Look, I know you have. Please just let’s be honest about this or we can’t get past it, ever. For ONCE in our relationship, admit you fucked up! It’s not hard, I mean I already know. Just say it!”

He was really pissed.

I shook my head and adopted the best astonished and ‘how could you even think I’d do that to you’ face. As if I had the right to be offended.

“How do you know? Who told you?”

Childish Casey. What was the point of that? As if it mattered who told him. He was asking a question, he was begging for honesty and I couldn’t do it. It was because I didn’t want us to split up. I love him.

But it’s not going to keep him loving me either is it? Either way I lose. Might as well have just said it……..

“I didn’t Lee. I love you.

“Then why are you lying, AGAIN?”

“I’m not, I’m telling you Richard was a mistake! There was only ever him, now it’s over, I told you that! Please Lee!”

I was shouting louder than ten decibels of Lee. And I was the one in the wrong. I was being so transparent, I knew I was pushing our love over the edge of the suicide cliff, but I couldn’t stop.

Lee was staring at his converses. Silence pervaded. The room closed in on me.

“if you are lying to me, we are so over. Please think long and hard about this Casey. I love you so much. We have been through so much. Don’t let us go, please don’t.”

Silence again.

I could have just admitted it. He was more or less telling me that he might be able to forgive. A voice in my head was going, ‘Tell him about Simon, be strong, be brave, be like Simon. BE TRUE TO YOURSELF.’ We had things to discuss, I wasn’t happy…this could be the pivotal point that projected us into a higher realm of contentment and closeness….and I wanted that, deep down I knew I loved Lee…the others were flings, lust versus love. Or did I really want to stay with Lee, domestic bliss, babies, marriage? Maybe Simon is the one? Excitement, new experiences, exploring boundaries of our dark sides, living in art…it made my heart sing. Had he told Lee because he wanted that with me? Had he begged Lee to let me go? Was he so sure that we were perfect together?

This thought was still swirling around my head and piercing my heart when Lee said it.

“So, I’ll ask you again…………”

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August 16, 2015

I feel like I’m right back where I was a year ago, staring blankly at my laptop screen, thinking how to start writing, how to possibly convey all the turmoil going on inside me. But I’m not that girl anymore, am I? My attic room seems so childish and naive as I sit here, my old artwork strewn across the desk, remnants of my A Levels back in the Spring of last year when my whole life was stretching out its excited hand to pull me off over the horizon.

Yeh, so here I am, back ‘home’. Three weeks to go and I don’t even know if Lee’s gonna come back after the row we had yesterday. Shit….it makes me feel sick every time I think about it. It was the worst one yet, one where Lee doesn’t shout, which is when I know he’s raging. To be honest I didn’t think we’d come. I thought lee and I would end up staying in London all Summer. I have got my place at Uni to do a degree in 3D Design and Theatre. I should be happy, right? I would be if Lee hadn’t gone back to London last night to see fucking Chloe. To ‘get my head sorted’ he said.

To briefly (as possible) summarise. My Foundation year has been AMAZING, I mean I’ve made some great friends (still are friends) and I feel like my whole creative world has opened up for me. I know who I am artistically and where i want to go with it. That’s all perfect. It’s what happened in the Feral House that fucked everything up. Chloe wasn’t kidding when she gave it that name. I think it’s cursed.

Everything was hazy and crazy for the first few months. We would spend a lot of time in our room and no-one would disturb us, aside from Chloe’s weird humming in the next room with her meditation and Annabitch’s obvious loitering habit outside our door. (I knew when she was there. There was a black shadow under the door. We are on the top floor where the floors are all uneven and so there are gaping spaces under our door, Chloe’s door and the toilet door. I could see her. Pervo. Lee didn’t believe me so I just thought fuck it.) Then, I started to get the feeling that the others were giving Lee shit, especially Simon, because he started getting touchy when I suggested we go upstairs straight after our communal meal in the evening or after we’d all slouched on the sofas and vegged, nursing hangovers on a Saturday and Sunday. Excuses; I’ve got to talk to Simon about something, Chloe needs help with her Essay, Anna wants me to go to Sainsburys with her…just lameness. So I started going round to my mate Fern’s house after Uni to shake it all up a bit, you know, make Lee wonder where I was, make him feel sorry. I genuinely like Fern, by the way, she’s straight up, no shit and rebellious. We’d sit drinking coffee out of chipped mugs in her huge kitchen overlooking a wild garden that had started pushing its way in through the crack in the frame of the decrepit sliding doors. Then we’d start on the wine. She always had some in the house…there were empties lining up the floors and windowsills with every kind of candle you can imagine. She’s only got one other house mate and his name is Richard Wade. Wadey from kent.

Now this Wadey person at first didn’t really take much notice of us as we sat at the table smoking and heaving with drunken hysteria at 4 o’clock most afternoons. She said he kept himself to himself and seemed to prefer hanging out with his mates in the Hall of ‘Rez’. She was fine with it, more of the house to herself, but she admitted that he was funny and wished he’d be around more. As it happened, so did I.

He was (is) tall and lanky with long mousy- coloured hair that he sometimes wears up in a man-bun which shows the shaved underneath vulnerability of his neck. I could always hear him coming in cos he wore (wears!) dark red Docs with holes gaping at the sides so his feet make a farting noise as he walks. His grin was (is) infectious. He’s got kind green eyes and a nice nose. And he’s studying Sculpture. From the moment he told me that I couldn’t stop staring at his hands, his long boney fingers, imagining scenes from Ghost. Sad cow.

I flirted a lot with him those first few days. I couldn’t help it. lee had started spending more and more time with his mates, so I thought myself perfectly justified in hanging out with mine. The only thing I didn’t admit readily was that I didn’t just want to be friends with Wadey. So anyway, one evening he came in early, we hadn’t even started wining it up yet. He asked us if we wanted to go out, his band was playing in a club in Brixton. So we did. I called Lee and asked him if he’d like to come, (just to be nice, I knew he wouldn’t) and said I’d be home later. Anyways, we had a right laugh with Wades and his band was cool. We got to stand right at the front and he kept looking at me through the haze of light and smiling. Fern was taking the piss out of me. I was glad she hadn’t met Lee cos she probs would have been lecturing me about how I shouldn’t be cheating on such a lovely guy. Yeh, I know………

So at the end, we waited until he’d packed up and he suggested going to the Halls and hanging out with the others. Fern had never been so we said ok. I texted Lee like a good girlfriend and told him not to bother waiting up. ‘Have fun babes and take care.’ he answered. Why can’t he ever be fucking jealous?

So off we went in a cab. The Rez was pounding when we got there and there were people everywhere. Good music was playing and I was well in the mood to dance and party, (we rarely do it in our house, boring twats the lot of them!) I can’t really remember much about the people I was introduced to, mainly cos I was stuck to Wades for dear life just wanting to talk to him. There were several painful segments whereby I remember sitting in corners and on the edge of beds, knocking back some sort of alcoholic beverage (having given up waiting for someone to come up to me and offer me top ups, I’d just gone on the search for any old half drunk plastic pint glass of whatever) while searching the area in vain for Wadesy. I lost Fern on many occasions and saw her a few times through my drunken wobbly brain, hanging around the neck of some short ass guy with Afro hair and a tie dye t-shirt down to his knees. I kept thinking every guy that smiled at me or bumped into me was Wadesy and then when the edge of the bed tipped dangerously near to the floor and I almost followed, I realised it really was Wadesy. He had crashed back on the bed laughing. I stared at his knees sticking up through his grey jeans for what seemed like ages, not knowing what to say. I forced my face to smile so at least if and when I did speak, I’d sound like I was having fun.

He asked me if I was ok. I said yes. He asked if I was having fun. I said yes. Then he asked me if I was tired. I was. I really really was. It was then I realised that the deafening hum of laughter and music had dyed down and the room was darker. I asked him what time it was and he didn’t answer for ages so I thought he was asleep. Where the hell was Fern? I asked him if he’s seen her, not expecting him to answer but he did. He said, yawning and stretching out his long body, that he had. She was asleep next door with Hayden. Yes, he said, the one with the crazy Afro.

Then he said it was 4am and I’d have to stay with him. With him? In this room, whose bed it belonged to was a mystery and could at any time walk in on us? No! It was one thing flirting, but sharing this single bed? Was this really what I wanted to do? Drunk? Wadesy was (is!) gorgeous but….I stood up and said I’d better go and could he tell me the number for a cab? He was a bit shocked but sat up and grabbed his phone from his back pocket and started dialling. I remembered mine and had a look, expecting there to be loads of missed calls but no. Not even a text. Thanks Lee.

He told the cabby where I wanted to go and sat there smiling at me. I was very tempted right there to just say fuck it, I’ll stay, but there was a nagging voice in the back of my mind…eating away at me. We walked down stairs, past people slumped in their doorways, some people cuddled up on communal sofas. soft music still echoing around. The big glass doors at the front exposed pre-dawn light that looked blue in the tint of the security doors. He stood there and I wanted to hug him.He was (is!) like a familiar old teddy bear from childhood, one that you used for comfort. That’s what he was, a comfort care bear. Then he hugged me. Cigarettes, floral laundry powder, musky deodorant and something else…something spicy enveloped me. He asked me if I’d be ok, I said yes. I asked him to come back with me to Fern’s but he said he’d promised to go with his mate Pikey in the morning to the Basketball Court for training so it was silly to go all the way back. He let me go and I dug around for my phone ready to give him my number (why? Because I just…I don’t know) and it was then I realised I hadn’t come in contact with my door keys. They usually pissed me off by jamming my hand as I delved into my bag for something. Then I felt my legs go as I realised the keys weren’t in my bag. I knew where they were as well. On the marble-top table in the hallway at home. Oh shit.

I told Wadesy and he hit his forehead with his palm. He grabbed my hand and lead me back towards the room. I didn’t have a choice, right?

 

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This is my mantra. I HAVE to try and be more tolerant

good-relationship

Yeh so I have been like, hugely busy over the last week. Loads of college work to do and at the weekend I stayed over at Kate’s house as she had a parteeee! I had a bit of an argument with Lee over that girl in the Skype photo…that was pretty ugly for a few days, and I bloody D’s split up with his girlfriend…what a week…

Ok. Kate had a party. I went over to hers on Saturday morning and we went into town. I wanted some new charity shop finds for the summer; Kate also likes trawling second hand rails, so we had a blast. I will post my ‘haul’ stuff in another blog. Decent!

The party was ok but not that many people from college turned up. It was a quiet one, a bit boring with not good music! Why do none of my so-called friends like rock and metal?? I’ll tell you who did turn up though. My EX boyfriend, bloody hell! He has gone really scruffy and looks dirty. Not that I mind scruffy but there’s a limit. He really looked like he had just been asleep in a dumpster. He got really trollied and tried to get off with me which I found hideous. He reeked of booze and fags and when he was talking to me he kept spitting. Kate threw him out in the end. Look how things go! He was once the heartbreaker of the college and now no one wants to speak to him or be around him. I felt a little bit¬†sorry for him but then I thought back to all the shit he has given me and how he cheated openly..nah fuck him!

Anyways Sunday I had a raging hangover and got home at about 2pm. Did nothing for a few hours cos my head was like, internally bleeding, and then I tried to Skype Lee. I hadn’t really spoken to him much since Wednesday due to his shifts at the pub. We had managed a few late night chats but nothing like we used to have. Sunday we had just enough time to lay down with each other on our beds and pretend that we were really next to each other, just talking about our day and how much we loved each other…trying to figure out when we are gonna meet up next. (Unresolved). Then he had to go to work.

That girl. Well yeh..I asked him in a text message that night that I posted the snap shot, and he didn’t answer me. I stayed up til late that night on Skype to try and catch him when he got home but I must have fallen asleep cos I woke up next morning to a text going ‘I don’t know what girl you mean. What’s with you, Case?’

I was fuming!

I texted back but I could see he was still asleep. I don’t think he went to Uni that morning at all cos I was running late for college and he was still out of it. I heard his phone make his message noise and knew it was from me. He didn’t stir. Then what happens? I see his door open and THAT GIRL comes strolling in like a bitch and starts rummaging around on his bedside table thingy. WTF?!!! I tried to call him. I heard his fucking phone ring and saw his hand groping round for it. It fell on the floor and SHE picked it up and rejected my call! OH. MY. FUCKING. GOD. I was like, what the ACTUAL fuck is going on here?

I kept ringing but he wasn’t responding. She left the room like a fucking bitch, and then I had to get off to college. BAD BAD day. At about 2 o’clock Lee called me to ask why he had so many missed calls from me, like was I ok? Hmmm NO!!!!!!!!!

He hasn’t heard my wrath before and I was BEYOND pissed off. When I get THAT mad, everything just starts to build up and I can’t see any sense in anything. In my head, he was obviously cheating on me cos SHE keeps stuff on his bedside table and sneaks in while he’s asleep etc. I didn’t stop to think that I see EVERYTHING in his room and if he was cheating I would surely see them both………in there. (I don’t want to imagine anything else going on between them in this scenario. I don’t do jealously very well AT ALL). I gave him so much shit, they must have been able to hear me shouting down the phone all the way down his street. Oh yes, Casey went BADASS. Not a pretty sight or sound in this case. The poor guy kept trying to butt in and explain but I wouldn’t let him. Of course I wouldn’t. I knew that he would soon get VERY fucking peeved with me, but I couldn’t stop ranting in his ear. Lee hates fights, verbal conflict, especially when clearly one person is a raving lunatic and the other is just sitting there like a twat listening and taking all the shit without being able to defend themselves. Oh dear.

I heard his go ‘Casey…… CASEY. If you don’t stop blasting me I am going to put the phone down.’

And then he did.

That made me even more crazed. Clearly he was also well pissed off with me by that point in time cos he didn’t ring me back and he turned off his Skype screen. It hasn’t been off since we started Skyping. I got a text about an hour later saying that when I had calmed down enough to listen I should call him, but he would not be calling me. I don’t think he realised how stubborn and bloody minded I can get. I vowed it would be days before I had calmed down. At one point I actually thought it would be NEVER. I was not going to call him back either. Oh no. This went on for 2 days!

Wednesday. I woke up feeling like I was about to hurl myself against a wall and knock myself unconscious. He hadn’t texted me or called. Skype was still down and even though I requested it and kept calling he wouldn’t put it back up. I resigned myself to the fact that I would have to make the phone call but by then it had been so long that it was all too much. Then I noticed he had emailed me!

I felt better until I actually read it. He started off calmly by explaining who the girl was. He had found out that it was the new girl in their house who had thought she was in someone else’s room. Apparently she is really nice and would never have done that had she realised. She was meant to have been in Annabelle’s room which is next to his. She didn’t know he had Skye on all the time and was really embarrassed when he asked around about it the day after I asked him. Annabelle had found her in there and simply laughed about it and shown her where her room was. (YEH that fucking bitch now as well…she KNEW I would see her in there! I bet she loved that! I wouldn’t be surprised if she had told this girl ON PURPOSE to go in Lee’s room just to get me wound up?!!) Nothing more said, she apologised, Lee being nice and easy going accepted it, they all get along great etc etc which left ME. That unreasonable, jealous cow. Oh yeh and she went back into the room cos she had left something in there…glasses or something, and Lee had told her to go in any time and get them. Why did she reject my calls? He said she had done it because Annabelle had told her not to wake me up cos she had found out that they had the morning off at Uni due to a lecturer being off sick. Hmmm.

So Casey is the turd.

Then he told me some ‘home truths ‘. His very words. I don’t really want to write them here as it upsets me to think about it. The fact that Lee thinks I am a self absorbed, unreasonable….oh well you get the message here. Needless to say he wasn’t too impressed by the undeniable fact that I couldn’t even be arsed to call him and listen to his side of the story. He was amazed and lost for words that I had left it this long. And ‘If this is how you behave when we have a disagreement or decide that I am cheating with no real proof then our relationship isn’t as great as I thought.’

That chestnut fucking hurt.

So I called. Awkward? Yep. Time for me to grovel? Yep. Was he the same Lee that I have known for 10 months? NO. But then again I hadn’t been the Casey he had known for 10 months either.

I apologised. I must love him cos I NEVER apologise.

So anyways we are ok now. He upset me a bit when he said that maybe we ought to switch off Skype when we are not in but no cos it’s really ace just looking at his unmade bed when he’s not there. Or looking to see what has moved since I was at college and he has gone back home and got ready for work… like his uni bag is on the bed and his art folders propped up against his desk. Cds that he has listened to. You know…stuff like that. This thing really scared me though. I have GOT to get a fucking grip on my anger. As he says to me all the time, ‘Look at the situation from all angles before you go accusing and shouting at people.’

The other situation this week. D’s girlfriend has gone apeshit at some text messages she found on his phone FROM ME. She visited him last week all the way from Serres in Greece and he said they were having an ace time until then. They have got the same phones and she picked his up by accident and saw an unopened message from me. Not knowing who I was, or not remembering (I am sure D has told her about me) she opened it. Now all I had put was ‘Hey, let me know when you’re on Skype tonight cos I miss your face’ and she went proper mental. Sounds a bit like me eh?

What I meant was that he always pulls this fucked up face at me when I mis-pronounce Greek words he is teaching me. It cracks me up. So you see, it could be construed as being flirty when it wasn’t meant to be AT ALL. Anyhow, he texted me and said that she was very unhappy about loads of stuff and they needed time to talk before she went back to Greece. It had all come to the surface apparently cos when he called me a few days later he said that it was all over. She had come to tell him she wanted to end it as she was tired of never seeing him and when they had chances to see each other in Greece, he was with his mates. He told me that yes, when he thought about it, it was true. He wasn’t really that committed to her so they decided she should go back the day after and they will remain friends but nothing more. He said the text message wasn’t really the reason they broke up, it was the catalyst. Poor D. He seems ok though. But you never know with him cos he hides his feelings. He is a very reserved guy and never seems to get emotional. Unlike Lee who wears his heart on his sleeve. They are different in that way. D is more like me. I guess it’s like, Lee is who I WANT to be like and D is who I AM like. Does that make sense?

I am really lucky to have two such great guys in my life, that’s for sure.

Oh must go. I am due for some Skyping. Lee is in his room!

Listening to this (A LOT!)

Well that’s ‘the talk’ over with.

Shit.

Basically, M&D are worried that me and Lee are going to start having sex (how embarrassing to hear them talk about it?) and they are worried that in this ‘tiny’ community where people gossip, me and Lee will be the centre of everyone’s attention and it will look bad.

Look bad???!!!

My Dad is concerned about how much I am going to show THEM up! He doesn’t give a flying fucking shit about me or how I feel or what I want!

Oh jesus. I am going to go properly MENTAL.

I am ONLY 17 years old! Lee is 2 years older than me. OH WHAT A FRICKIN CRIME!!!! And?????????????????????

I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow, but Dad says he’s going to talk to Lee’s Mum when she goes to the Surgery in the morning to clean. Oh sweet crap. I am ‘allowed’ to invite Lee over tomorrow because Mum will be in all day. Thanks a fucking load. I feel like a small, pathetic kid. I mean, Holy crap, Lee is at UNI, he can do whatever he wants, when he wants and with whomever he wants. Why in the fuck would he choose to be with me, a prisoner in her parents’ house because they treat her like a 12 year old? What in hell is he gonna think when he hears this?????????

 

Just got back from college and I’ve got my blue hair dyes. I got in during my lunch hour from a hippie shop round the corner from college. Mum eyed my bag suspiciously when I got in just now but I didn’t show her what I had in it as she would just forbid the whole thing. I am sick of living up to her and Dad’s standards, it’s stifling me. Mum’s still a bit arsy about the (slight) argument we had yesterday about going shopping for clothes. She gets all her stuff from Next and bloody French Connection, BORING, and expects me to just conform to the fads of the day. No I won’t. She will try and say that if I was meant to have blue hair, I would have been born with it. I can hear it now. She shut up once when we were on about tatoos (another one of my intended ‘projects’) and she came out with that line. I retorted ‘So if God wanted you to have blue shades above your eyes, he would have given it to you at birth and saved you money on eye shadow.’ OOOO she did not like that and Dad told me off for being cheeky! WTF. So hypocritical or have I missed something? If she says ANYTHING about my blue hair, I will simply come back at her with a question referring to why she DYES HER HAIR BLONDE at the roots! Eat that shit.

They are out tonight so I can chill out up in my room and do it without disturbances.

I spoke to Lisa again last night. She said that Lee had told her on the phone that Annabelle wouldn’t be here for the whole of the Christmas hols, just maybe a few days. Ok then I can take that. I tried to make out I wasn’t bothered cos I don’t want him to hear about my feelings for him from his sister. She sounded a bit surprised but changed the subject and started talking about the dyes that I told her I had bought. She offered to come round and help me but I would rather just do it on my own. Listen to some tracks, experiment with some eyeliner, watch a DVD or read a bit and have a nice ‘lonely’ evening with me, myself and I.

I thought about writing Lee a letter as well. Maybe as an email? But letters are more personal and he shares a laptop with his friend in Halls so it might not be secure or private to send an email like that. I can get his address from Lisa. Watch this space.

I’m being called for dinner so I will dye my hair after and hopefully get a chance to write another post tonight.

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