April 29, 2013
This is my mantra. I HAVE to try and be more tolerant
Yeh so I have been like, hugely busy over the last week. Loads of college work to do and at the weekend I stayed over at Kate’s house as she had a parteeee! I had a bit of an argument with Lee over that girl in the Skype photo…that was pretty ugly for a few days, and I bloody D’s split up with his girlfriend…what a week…
Ok. Kate had a party. I went over to hers on Saturday morning and we went into town. I wanted some new charity shop finds for the summer; Kate also likes trawling second hand rails, so we had a blast. I will post my ‘haul’ stuff in another blog. Decent!
The party was ok but not that many people from college turned up. It was a quiet one, a bit boring with not good music! Why do none of my so-called friends like rock and metal?? I’ll tell you who did turn up though. My EX boyfriend, bloody hell! He has gone really scruffy and looks dirty. Not that I mind scruffy but there’s a limit. He really looked like he had just been asleep in a dumpster. He got really trollied and tried to get off with me which I found hideous. He reeked of booze and fags and when he was talking to me he kept spitting. Kate threw him out in the end. Look how things go! He was once the heartbreaker of the college and now no one wants to speak to him or be around him. I felt a little bit sorry for him but then I thought back to all the shit he has given me and how he cheated openly..nah fuck him!
Anyways Sunday I had a raging hangover and got home at about 2pm. Did nothing for a few hours cos my head was like, internally bleeding, and then I tried to Skype Lee. I hadn’t really spoken to him much since Wednesday due to his shifts at the pub. We had managed a few late night chats but nothing like we used to have. Sunday we had just enough time to lay down with each other on our beds and pretend that we were really next to each other, just talking about our day and how much we loved each other…trying to figure out when we are gonna meet up next. (Unresolved). Then he had to go to work.
That girl. Well yeh..I asked him in a text message that night that I posted the snap shot, and he didn’t answer me. I stayed up til late that night on Skype to try and catch him when he got home but I must have fallen asleep cos I woke up next morning to a text going ‘I don’t know what girl you mean. What’s with you, Case?’
I was fuming!
I texted back but I could see he was still asleep. I don’t think he went to Uni that morning at all cos I was running late for college and he was still out of it. I heard his phone make his message noise and knew it was from me. He didn’t stir. Then what happens? I see his door open and THAT GIRL comes strolling in like a bitch and starts rummaging around on his bedside table thingy. WTF?!!! I tried to call him. I heard his fucking phone ring and saw his hand groping round for it. It fell on the floor and SHE picked it up and rejected my call! OH. MY. FUCKING. GOD. I was like, what the ACTUAL fuck is going on here?
I kept ringing but he wasn’t responding. She left the room like a fucking bitch, and then I had to get off to college. BAD BAD day. At about 2 o’clock Lee called me to ask why he had so many missed calls from me, like was I ok? Hmmm NO!!!!!!!!!
He hasn’t heard my wrath before and I was BEYOND pissed off. When I get THAT mad, everything just starts to build up and I can’t see any sense in anything. In my head, he was obviously cheating on me cos SHE keeps stuff on his bedside table and sneaks in while he’s asleep etc. I didn’t stop to think that I see EVERYTHING in his room and if he was cheating I would surely see them both………in there. (I don’t want to imagine anything else going on between them in this scenario. I don’t do jealously very well AT ALL). I gave him so much shit, they must have been able to hear me shouting down the phone all the way down his street. Oh yes, Casey went BADASS. Not a pretty sight or sound in this case. The poor guy kept trying to butt in and explain but I wouldn’t let him. Of course I wouldn’t. I knew that he would soon get VERY fucking peeved with me, but I couldn’t stop ranting in his ear. Lee hates fights, verbal conflict, especially when clearly one person is a raving lunatic and the other is just sitting there like a twat listening and taking all the shit without being able to defend themselves. Oh dear.
I heard his go ‘Casey…… CASEY. If you don’t stop blasting me I am going to put the phone down.’
And then he did.
That made me even more crazed. Clearly he was also well pissed off with me by that point in time cos he didn’t ring me back and he turned off his Skype screen. It hasn’t been off since we started Skyping. I got a text about an hour later saying that when I had calmed down enough to listen I should call him, but he would not be calling me. I don’t think he realised how stubborn and bloody minded I can get. I vowed it would be days before I had calmed down. At one point I actually thought it would be NEVER. I was not going to call him back either. Oh no. This went on for 2 days!
Wednesday. I woke up feeling like I was about to hurl myself against a wall and knock myself unconscious. He hadn’t texted me or called. Skype was still down and even though I requested it and kept calling he wouldn’t put it back up. I resigned myself to the fact that I would have to make the phone call but by then it had been so long that it was all too much. Then I noticed he had emailed me!
I felt better until I actually read it. He started off calmly by explaining who the girl was. He had found out that it was the new girl in their house who had thought she was in someone else’s room. Apparently she is really nice and would never have done that had she realised. She was meant to have been in Annabelle’s room which is next to his. She didn’t know he had Skye on all the time and was really embarrassed when he asked around about it the day after I asked him. Annabelle had found her in there and simply laughed about it and shown her where her room was. (YEH that fucking bitch now as well…she KNEW I would see her in there! I bet she loved that! I wouldn’t be surprised if she had told this girl ON PURPOSE to go in Lee’s room just to get me wound up?!!) Nothing more said, she apologised, Lee being nice and easy going accepted it, they all get along great etc etc which left ME. That unreasonable, jealous cow. Oh yeh and she went back into the room cos she had left something in there…glasses or something, and Lee had told her to go in any time and get them. Why did she reject my calls? He said she had done it because Annabelle had told her not to wake me up cos she had found out that they had the morning off at Uni due to a lecturer being off sick. Hmmm.
So Casey is the turd.
Then he told me some ‘home truths ‘. His very words. I don’t really want to write them here as it upsets me to think about it. The fact that Lee thinks I am a self absorbed, unreasonable….oh well you get the message here. Needless to say he wasn’t too impressed by the undeniable fact that I couldn’t even be arsed to call him and listen to his side of the story. He was amazed and lost for words that I had left it this long. And ‘If this is how you behave when we have a disagreement or decide that I am cheating with no real proof then our relationship isn’t as great as I thought.’
That chestnut fucking hurt.
So I called. Awkward? Yep. Time for me to grovel? Yep. Was he the same Lee that I have known for 10 months? NO. But then again I hadn’t been the Casey he had known for 10 months either.
I apologised. I must love him cos I NEVER apologise.
So anyways we are ok now. He upset me a bit when he said that maybe we ought to switch off Skype when we are not in but no cos it’s really ace just looking at his unmade bed when he’s not there. Or looking to see what has moved since I was at college and he has gone back home and got ready for work… like his uni bag is on the bed and his art folders propped up against his desk. Cds that he has listened to. You know…stuff like that. This thing really scared me though. I have GOT to get a fucking grip on my anger. As he says to me all the time, ‘Look at the situation from all angles before you go accusing and shouting at people.’
The other situation this week. D’s girlfriend has gone apeshit at some text messages she found on his phone FROM ME. She visited him last week all the way from Serres in Greece and he said they were having an ace time until then. They have got the same phones and she picked his up by accident and saw an unopened message from me. Not knowing who I was, or not remembering (I am sure D has told her about me) she opened it. Now all I had put was ‘Hey, let me know when you’re on Skype tonight cos I miss your face’ and she went proper mental. Sounds a bit like me eh?
What I meant was that he always pulls this fucked up face at me when I mis-pronounce Greek words he is teaching me. It cracks me up. So you see, it could be construed as being flirty when it wasn’t meant to be AT ALL. Anyhow, he texted me and said that she was very unhappy about loads of stuff and they needed time to talk before she went back to Greece. It had all come to the surface apparently cos when he called me a few days later he said that it was all over. She had come to tell him she wanted to end it as she was tired of never seeing him and when they had chances to see each other in Greece, he was with his mates. He told me that yes, when he thought about it, it was true. He wasn’t really that committed to her so they decided she should go back the day after and they will remain friends but nothing more. He said the text message wasn’t really the reason they broke up, it was the catalyst. Poor D. He seems ok though. But you never know with him cos he hides his feelings. He is a very reserved guy and never seems to get emotional. Unlike Lee who wears his heart on his sleeve. They are different in that way. D is more like me. I guess it’s like, Lee is who I WANT to be like and D is who I AM like. Does that make sense?
I am really lucky to have two such great guys in my life, that’s for sure.
Oh must go. I am due for some Skyping. Lee is in his room!
Listening to this (A LOT!)
December 27, 2012
Well that’s ‘the talk’ over with.
Basically, M&D are worried that me and Lee are going to start having sex (how embarrassing to hear them talk about it?) and they are worried that in this ‘tiny’ community where people gossip, me and Lee will be the centre of everyone’s attention and it will look bad.
My Dad is concerned about how much I am going to show THEM up! He doesn’t give a flying fucking shit about me or how I feel or what I want!
Oh jesus. I am going to go properly MENTAL.
I am ONLY 17 years old! Lee is 2 years older than me. OH WHAT A FRICKIN CRIME!!!! And?????????????????????
I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow, but Dad says he’s going to talk to Lee’s Mum when she goes to the Surgery in the morning to clean. Oh sweet crap. I am ‘allowed’ to invite Lee over tomorrow because Mum will be in all day. Thanks a fucking load. I feel like a small, pathetic kid. I mean, Holy crap, Lee is at UNI, he can do whatever he wants, when he wants and with whomever he wants. Why in the fuck would he choose to be with me, a prisoner in her parents’ house because they treat her like a 12 year old? What in hell is he gonna think when he hears this?????????
December 10, 2012
Just got back from college and I’ve got my blue hair dyes. I got in during my lunch hour from a hippie shop round the corner from college. Mum eyed my bag suspiciously when I got in just now but I didn’t show her what I had in it as she would just forbid the whole thing. I am sick of living up to her and Dad’s standards, it’s stifling me. Mum’s still a bit arsy about the (slight) argument we had yesterday about going shopping for clothes. She gets all her stuff from Next and bloody French Connection, BORING, and expects me to just conform to the fads of the day. No I won’t. She will try and say that if I was meant to have blue hair, I would have been born with it. I can hear it now. She shut up once when we were on about tatoos (another one of my intended ‘projects’) and she came out with that line. I retorted ‘So if God wanted you to have blue shades above your eyes, he would have given it to you at birth and saved you money on eye shadow.’ OOOO she did not like that and Dad told me off for being cheeky! WTF. So hypocritical or have I missed something? If she says ANYTHING about my blue hair, I will simply come back at her with a question referring to why she DYES HER HAIR BLONDE at the roots! Eat that shit.
They are out tonight so I can chill out up in my room and do it without disturbances.
I spoke to Lisa again last night. She said that Lee had told her on the phone that Annabelle wouldn’t be here for the whole of the Christmas hols, just maybe a few days. Ok then I can take that. I tried to make out I wasn’t bothered cos I don’t want him to hear about my feelings for him from his sister. She sounded a bit surprised but changed the subject and started talking about the dyes that I told her I had bought. She offered to come round and help me but I would rather just do it on my own. Listen to some tracks, experiment with some eyeliner, watch a DVD or read a bit and have a nice ‘lonely’ evening with me, myself and I.
I thought about writing Lee a letter as well. Maybe as an email? But letters are more personal and he shares a laptop with his friend in Halls so it might not be secure or private to send an email like that. I can get his address from Lisa. Watch this space.
I’m being called for dinner so I will dye my hair after and hopefully get a chance to write another post tonight.