tired……but!

November 28, 2012

Oh jesus!

I have never felt so drained in my whole existence.

I finally finished my Graphics proj, handed that monkey in today. Quite pleased with it but as mentioned before, not so much into the straight line, fine detail, colour inbetween lines rules that Mr Haines ‘requested’ that we adhere to. He’s gone now. Graphics is no more! At least not por moi! Didn’t rate him much, a bit dull…blazers? No…not for an Art teacher please. Roll on Friday when we get to do some Fine Art! yipeeeeeez.

Theatre studies assignment done. Crammed that stupid pile of nonsense words at the last minute. Improvisation? Toss that off! I want to do Theatre DESIGN. I was warned I would have to put up with poncy, thespian theory shit for the first year of this course. bleugh.

English. Done that Thomas Hardy. Loved it. Tragic, dark and frickin raw. That’s literature Mr H!

Anyways before I fall off my bad typing loads of illegible bull crap……..yes I am THAT tired. One thing to say.

LEE SENT ME FLOWERS! ROSES!

I would NEVER have dreamt this up in a gazillion years, and I would never have imagined in my wildest dreams that I would be HAPPY about a few roses that had been viciously ripped out of the ground for mass consumption, being delivered to my door. But yes!

And what did the note say??????

Casey, Just to say I really miss you and can’t wait to get back and spend Christmas with you. Love, L

Mahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Now I have been doing some ‘research’ about meanings of colours. He didn’t send RED which by all accounts mean love. Hmmm. He sent me 3 purple roses! Here’s two of them, it was hard to get a good shot:

Here’s my research:

Love at first sight
Purple roses have long been a symbol of falling in love at first sight. Purple roses are used to express the indescribable and beautiful feeling of falling in love with a stranger, in hopes that this stranger will be somebody very familiar in the near future. In short, a purple rose sends a message to the recipient that he/she is charming and simply irresistible to have enraptured the heart of the sender at the very first sight. (We have been friends since june. I have never been sure of his first impression of me. Friend, defo…girlfriend? Wishful thinking?)

All things magical
Apart from being a symbol of love at first sight, purple roses also represent enchantment and all things magical. A fantasy, a wonder and impossibility – these are the things that purple roses stand for. And just like a dream, a fantasy is also fleeting and transcendental. Thus, although the aforementioned initial attraction may have carved a deep impression on the sender, there’s no guarantee that this attraction would be permanent. (I would like to think I have carved a deep impression on him! From my point of view it’s very permanent!)

A royal colour
The colour purple has always been linked to royalty. Therefore it only makes sense that a purple rose symbolizes all things grand, glorious, majestic and opulent. Purple roses can also send out a message of an air of noble regality and pure splendour. (Pfff boring)

Symbol of discretion
During Lent, a time of discretion, purple is the colour worn by priests. This suggests an undertone of vigilant control. It also implies the need to proceed cautiously and slowly. Therefore purple roses could mean nobility and something sacred. (Cautiously? This could be a good thing. Maybe he’s thinking the same as me…would being together as BF & GF ruin our friendship?)

?

And do you know what I have gone and done?

I didn’t pick up the phone when he called me just now. I seriously DON’T know what in the name of crap to say! I LOVE THE ROSES!!!!!

I miss Lee. I miss Lee. I miss Lee.

I love love love love love Lee.

Tired……………………….g’night.

 

November 28, 2012

Looks a lot like one of my school jotters! 🙂

Bex's World

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So I had a free at college and was REALLY bored as I had done all my homework so I did this 🙂

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This is my Sunday viewing. I urge EVERYONE who reads this post to PLEASE watch this movie. In my opinion it’s the most important movie EVER made.

 

 

Ear-gasmic!

November 25, 2012

Haunted

November 24, 2012

So I’ve been upstairs since this morning when mum had a massive go at me about my new pentagram. It’s soooo cold out there that I just managed to give Chester a walk through the woods before everything on my body froze. My eyelashes were even icing together when I blinked. I persuaded Dad to let me bring Chester up to my room and he said that was fine. After all it’s my stuff up here that he’ll wreck if anything, but he’s a good dog. I cleaned him up a bit and he’s been up here all day keeping me company. I might get away with him sleeping on my bed. 🙂

So anyway. Dogs are really sensitive to spirit activity. I may have mentioned that I have thought there’s a ghost in my bathroom? Well, there defo is something in there because Chester WON’T GO IN and he just keeps lifting his head every so often and looking towards the door. I might have to do some research about the house as I know it’s old, I can tell that. What happened here? Did someone die? It is the attic room, which stretches right across the top of the house, so who knows? I thought I saw someone in there a few days after we moved in, but lately it has been getting weirder. Halloween was the weirdest because it wasn’t in the bathroom it was in front of my door. It was a figure, maybe about my height. I don’t know why but I think it’s a girl. This is the first time I’ve had Chester up here (well, that’s a lie! I sneak him up a lot but only for a few minutes at a time or when M&D are out) and I wanted to see how he would react. My attic is really big, so he hasn’t had a chance to explore before. He hasn’t got a problem with the bed area, or my study area near the window, but beyond my art desk and towards the bathroom, he hesitated, stared for ages at the bathroom and turned away, jumping up on the bed and curling up. Bless!

Look at him! I just took this shot.

I swear he’s smiling!

I have told Lee about my ghost. He says that I need to ask myself if I feel threatened or afraid of her, or if my gut feeling tells me she won’t hurt me. He reckons that if the ghost is benevolent (I had to ask him what that meant, felt a right div) then I should maybe try and communicate with her. Maybe she needs help? I asked him, what if it’s out to harm me (by the way he said that would be a malevolent spirit! hahaha) and he said that I should then do a sage cleansing. I’ve heard of that before cos I watch Paranormal Investigation programmes really late at night. I might research it and see if there’s any kind of special ritual that I would need to do.

But, no, this ghostgirl isn’t giving me the creeps. I sense sadness. Poor thing. I keep watching out to see if she appears. I, kinda looking forward to it!

Hmmm. Lee. Oh God I miss him! He’s at a party tonight, one of his friend’s is 20 it’s a huge party at a student house in Camden. I feel sick thinking about it. He didn’t mention whether A (I can’t bring myself to type that name) is going to be there, and I just didn’t dare ask. My frickin imagination is left here to run wild again tonight. I can hear and see the rain pelting against my window. It’s always noisy up here in the attic cos it’s so high up. The wind howls around the disused blocked up chimneys and I can still hear it coming down almost to floor level cos my fireplaces are blocked by bricks. I asked Dad to unblock them but he said no cos once you’ve got an open chimney, especially up so high, there’ll always be shit coming in from outside and leaves and stuff. What a shame, it would be cool, like a rubbish dump for disused nature.

I feel sad. I’m used to being alone and as I said before, I LOVE my attic room (well, floor) it’s like a haven. I’ve got my metal frame bed that M&D got designed for me by one of her friends who’s a blacksmith. I’ve got purple walls with a huge mural I painted on the biggest window (almost to the floor bay window) facing wall so it gets sun on it. (It has faded it a bit I’ve noticed ) and then I’ve got my wardrobe and small dressing table…then looking down the attic room there’s my desk and college books on one side and my art desk on the other side…(that’s a total anarchistic, artistic, bohemian TIP of an area and I love it!) I’ve got a small bay window in front of my desk there and on that wall just TONS of images and scraps torn from magazines…you know just things I found that I love. Inspiration. Then further down my stereo and loads of CDs and stuff for my IPOD….magazines about music and piles of paper on the floor with lyrics scribbled on. Then the bathroom door to the right. It’s not a huge bathroom but it’s ace for me. I can just have a bath or shower when I want and don’t have to wait for Dad and get gased out after he does a huge stinker in there. Jesus dad. When we lived in the other house I almost retched every time. Appalling.

Oh and I’ve got blue fairy lights EVERYWHERE!

I’ll try and get a photo of my place and post it.

Here’s one of my haunted bathroom window 🙂

listening to:

ignorance

November 24, 2012

English: A 'floral' or 'goddess' pentagram - v...

English: A ‘floral’ or ‘goddess’ pentagram – variant form of geometric pentagram, and an example of a ‘hidden’ pentagram. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Mum has really pissed me off. Amongst a million other things in my life that are PISSING me off right now, this broke the frickin camel’s back.

She told me to take off my Pentagram.

Now, for one thing, I never ever tell her or Dad to take off their ‘Christian’ crosses even though the cross was around long before Christianity was. It’s a Pagan symbol that once represented the four seasons, the four natural elements and the circle it was in was like the whole of everything in one. OMG I have just found this article on it, I won;t say which website it came from but look at what it says:

”The pagan cross symbol was “Christianized” into mainstream Christianity. But God’s one true Church has never done this. It has always seen the cross symbol for what it is—pagan! The Bible clearly teaches that God’s people must not practice or tolerate any pagan ways, customs, traditions or practices (Deut. 7:1-6Jer. 10:1-5Rev. 18:1-4).”

Oh so what is wearing the cross then? Isn’t that a Pagan practice? IT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE!

I get angry with my Mum as she has taken on Dad’s beliefs. He’s a Greek orthodox and says that it is very very important to the Greeks, but then why did Mum have to be indoctrinated? I’m not sure of her beliefs but in order to marry Dad she had to be baptised as an Orthodox! What???? Anyways, I get angry that she has to get up at stupid o’clock on a Sunday EVERY Sunday, to go with Dad when she doesn’t even really believe in it. If she did she would have already been pissing Orthodox, right?

Thing is, I don’t go around saying these things, even though they make me really rage. I don’t sit there and go on about the hypocrisy of  religion and how many wars it has caused in the world, even though it’s all about ‘LOVE’ thy neighbour. It’s a sham, in my opinion, but what I’m saying is, I respect them and everyone else who goes to church or whatever. So WHY can’t I wear the symbol that I choose?

”It’s the symbol of Satan.” OH MUM. MUM. YOU ARE SO WRONG.

Here it is, the article I am going to print out and show her:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pentagram

Here are some interesting titbits taken from it:

”The circle around a pentagram is a symbol of “unity, wholeness, infinity, the goddess, and protection. To earth-centered religions throughout history as well as to many contemporary pagans, it represents the feminine spirit or force, the cosmos or a spiritualism Mother Earth, and a sacred space.[citation needed]The five-pointed star is representative of the four primal elements (earth, air, fire and water), and traditionally a fifth, called spirit. The circle binds them together to create life. When pointing up, the pentagram can represent spirituality’s dominance over the material (pentagram) bound inside the laws of the cosmos (circle). The upside-down facing pentagram, meanwhile, represents the physical world ruling over the spiritual, and has therefore been associated with dark magic. Other sources point to its origin in Chinese five-element philosophy (see feng shui), as the natural balance between fire, water, earth, wood, and metal. This theory states that the direction it is pointing has nothing to do with good or evil, but rather the upside-down facing circle is for banishing. The circle is again for the concept the power within is bound by, this time for the circle of life.”

English: A circumscribed pentagram.

English: A circumscribed pentagram. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

(Not sure if I’m allowed to paste in from Wikipedia? SORRY if I’m not but you could all see it there in the link anyways).

I haven’t taken it off and I won’t. She said that she doesn’t want to see me with it on. Ok then, I’ll stay out of your way, I don’t care.

When they go to their Church in the morning, I will go to mine. The woods. We all came from the Earth and that is where I feel at home.

 

November 19, 2012

Some great advice to follow…

Sunday sanctuary

November 18, 2012

Having a break from college work. I haven’t been out anywhere at all this weekend, not even to Kate’s. I saw Lisa (Lee’s sister) when I took Chester for a walk earlier on, but only a quick hi from over the fence. I should try and go round and see her more but to be honest, it’s hard to sit there when Lee’s not there. It makes me really sad and I get home and feel depressed. I don’t want to bug her about Lee, like ask her if he ever says anything to her about me (they’re really close) and I can’t ever think of much else to talk about. She’s not at college any more, she decided to do a Hairdressing Course instead. We kind of lost contact.

So really, nothing much to write about. I love weekends where Mum and Dad don’t disturb me and I can stay up in my room on my own. It’s fricking freezing out there anyway and apart from taking Chester for walks, I don’t feel like going out. Summer is cool because even when it rains it’s not too cold and that smell of sun drenched earth rises up and it’s refreshing. Winter is great viewed from indoors! I can see a lot from my attic room anyway. The tops of the trees as they sway and throw their mottled, burned leaves around. The birds taking flight to hide under the woodland canopies. The rain as it sweeps through the woods, showering the trees and mudding up the paths and fields. I’m warm. I never close my curtains. I love watching the dusk and twilight and how shadows are cast and the shapes that come forth. The trees dance, blackened against the purple sky. Clouds dyed ink against charcoal canvas. When it pours the rain flows like bent forks down the glass, distorting the view of the world outside. Just as I see it.

Stella is always asking me what the hell I do at the weekends. Well, Friday night I’m usually with Kate just chilling out at hers, listening to music and watching films. (On Friday night we watched ‘Chronical’ I’ll write more about that later.) Most of the time I stay over because it’s a half hour drive and Dad refuses to pick me up after 11pm. I get back Saturday morning and take Chester for his morning walk (By the way, Chester’s my labrador pup, well not so much a pup now, he’s about 6 months old! I LOVE him sooooo much. I nearly lost him in the summer, again part of that whole nightmare scenario that I try not to think about, so he’s like my most precious thing now.) I walk him despite the rain and cold and I take him to all my favourite woodland places behind the house. Lee and I have explored everywhere and I always think he’s going to pop out from behind a tree at any moment and pounce on me. I miss him!!!

Then I usually help Mum a bit around the house (draaaaaaaaag) but again, after all that has happened it’s kind of the least I can do. We get along ok now, although she still gets on my tits when she tries to tell me what to do. I mean, I know parents are supposed to know best, but at the end of the day, they are not ME. They don’t know what goes on in my head. No one does to be honest. Dad is cool and we have some good talks, although I don’t see him that much what with his surgery and stuff. He’s sometimes out nights as well on call so then during the day I have to be all quiet cos he sleeps. I can do quiet as my room is at the top of the house. Away from everyone. It’s my haven!

After lunch it’s college work, although I have to fight the urge to do other things. It’s hard to get down to work when you know you’ve got Sunday as well. I used to be really bad at it, like leaving homework till Sunday evening. Truth is I can’t do that now I’m doing A levels. As I’ve already said, there’s LOADS. Still don’t think I can handle it…..

Saturday nights are a bit shitty. Lee always calls (well that is if he’s not with ANNABELLE) and we have a got chat. Too bad he’s still not on Skype, but I can’t persuade him. He says it’s too expensive to have an internet connection what with the amount of money his parents already pay out for his Halls and everyday stuff. London is expensive. I like cosying up on my bed with my laptop, watching music vids on Youtube or dvds. I’m usually into a good read but do that at night before I go to sleep. At the moment I’m reading a weird book called The Sensualist. It’s cool. My sort of book. Spooky and chilling with a bit of mystery:

Here’s the link to details:

http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/553069.The_Sensualist

I also LOVE all books so far by Carlos Ruiz Zafon. I mean OMG so gothic, so dark and so full of suspense! I’m a sucker for books about books and writing, so this is probs my favourite:

Check out the Synopsis!

‘Buried in the back streets of Barcelona lies the Cemetery of Lost Books – a mausoleum for out-of-print works, salvaged by the bibliophiles of the city. There, 10-year-old Daniel Sempere discovers a book called The Shadow of the Wind, by Julián Carax, which captures his young imagination.

But when he investigates this unknown author, he finds out that his is the last surviving copy, as a mysterious figure called Laín Coubert has dedicated himself to eradicating Carax’s work completely. But in Carax’s book, Laín Coubert is the name of the Devil.’

HELL YEAH! 🙂

Anyway I digress.

I’ve just noticed the time. Oh Balls. So much work to do for tomorrow. I’ll try and post again tonight, later though. Much later!

‘Every book, every volume you see here, has a soul. The soul of the person who wrote it and of those who read it and lived and dreamed with it. Every time a book changes hands, every time someone runs his eyes down its pages, its spirit grows and strengthens.’
Carlos Ruiz Zafón‘s Shadow of the Wind.

 

It’s friday…..i’m..

November 16, 2012

in love? Check
tired? Check
confused? Check
bored? Cheeeeeck

It has been a really dull week as well as feeling like shit with a sore throat and headache most days. I didn’t go in to college yesterday cos it was my ‘easiest’ day. Despite only having Drama and English i’ve still got LOADS of notes to copy up that Kate has just emailed me. Jesus. Plus two assignments due
for monday.
I had a word with miss gee about my courses and she suggested i carry on til christmas and see how it pans out. I said ok but now i’m thinking i should’ve been honest and admitted its just not going to work. Surely its better to get good grades in 2 subjects than averagly shit in 3?
But which would i drop…
Lee has been weird as well. The last thing i blogged was that he wasn’t picking up. Well he texted me back that night at 3am, YES 3AM!!! and said that he’d been with Annabelle in her room. Wtf. I wasn’t happy but what could i say? He apologised and said she was really upset about something and asked him to stay and talk it over. Not sure what he was sorry about;the fact he negated me for her or that he was in her room and i was thinking something was going on between them. But anyhow i tried not to let my jealousy come out on the phone on monday but i think it did cos he got a bit defensive saying she’s a close friend and he can’t always talk when i want! I get that but he’s my best mate. I need him too. I considered telling him about Phil to make him jealous but….that wouldn’t be right. Yes i know, Casey of old WOULD have done that but if Lee has taught me anything it’s to not play mind games. If he ever thinks i’m doing that with him he will NOT be impressed. Hey bloody ho. Life is shit. I feel like not picking up when HE calls me and see how he feels. Talking myself out of that one! I just CAN’T not answer when i see his number calling out at me. It’s like i get possessed. I will my hand not to but it just picks up my frickin phone and presses that green button…
I hate that i can’t see him til Christmas. It seems ages away. I refuse to count them like a love sick puppy. Sick. So sick.

Something’s wrong

November 11, 2012

I keep calling Lee but his phone’s engaged. I first tried at about 10, which is the time we usually talk, and STILL it’s making that god-awful noise. It’s driving me nuts.

Trying to take my mind off it. Had a great time last night at Kate’s, she’s hilarious and much wiser than her years. I have told her about Lee, but not what happened over the summer. I don’t think I’ll EVER talk about that to anyone else except Lee and even then, there’s so much I can’t tell him. He’d freak and probably run a mile screaming. I know he’s my closest buddy, he’s my soul mate, but THAT particular revelation would seriously damage him. I still can’t believe it happened myself, and have had to dig out those diaries and stuff more than once. I hate them as soon as I see them, but I guess if it wasn’t for them, I wouldn’t be here writing this blog today. I just got the shivers. Change the subject,

Yeh, so I did my shopping, got all my art stuff. I don’t really like graphics that much but we have to do like a taster project in all areas of art and design. It’s too…how can I say? TIGHT. I prefer getting messy and not having to ‘colour between the lines’ or whatever. Not expressive enough. But I’m doing a centre spread for a magazine about vegan nail polish which will ease the pain a bit! I’ve done some thumbnails today, just little layout sketches, nothing exciting. . Means I’ve had to do loads of research into vegan nail polish. There’s a particular shade of dark red I LOVE and have ordered it. Yumz.

I had loads of English to do as well. How am I supposed to read a novel in three days? Thomas Hardy as well, not the easiest to grip. I like the plot and the characters and their complexities are fascinating, but HOW can I read it and take it in enough to write 3 essays, do my art project AND my drama thesis? I don’t want to drop any of my subs, especially not art. Holy shit. I need to talk to my tutors.

Why isn’t he calling me back????????

Oh yeh, I got some texts off Phil last night. The prick was drunk texting. ‘Casey I love you, sorry I really messed up.’ was the last one. Last, cos I replied saying ‘YOU’RE messed up, loser.’ Kate can’t tolerate shit from guys. I always take the piss out of her and accuse her of being a lesbian, but she so isn’t. She’s just had to wise up fast cos of some frickin a-holes from hell she has been with. She was going out with a really nice guy apparently, but he moved to New Zealand and she never hears from him now. They agreed to stop calling and Skyping cos it was too painful. I don’t think any other guy right now is going to touch him. Poor thing!

RING ME BACK!

OH! I just tried again. It’s ringing out but NO answer! He knows we always talk at 10 before bed. What the f**k???

If he doesn’t ring back I won’t be able to sleep……….

seeing red