Lee went back to London yesterday.

I’ve literally just managed to drag my depressed ass out of bed. I don’t know why I thought I had to do it because now I can’t even be assed to do anything. It’s cloudy and I feel cold. I’m sitting cross legged on my messy bed wrapped in my duvet that I haven’t changed (cover-wise) for about a month. No kidding .

I didn’t sleep much last night. I had some bad ass dreams that made me wake up in a complete stress panic and at about 2:30 I decided not to go back to sleep so I fucking just went out for a long walk for like, FOREVER.

He left at about 10am. He was booked on a coach from town to London and got there at 3 in the afternoon and fucking bitch Annabelle was waiting for him at the coach station at Victoria. Like I really needed to know that? He texted me and then I didn’t hear from him at all last night so he basically left me here on my own for the first time in what? 2 months? FUCK.

I don’t even know how to write how I’m feeling. I don’t know WHAT to write. Thing is I don’t know WHAT to do about life at all right now. I can’t stand the thought of having to go back to 6th form on Monday and start the whole numb-skull process of getting through each fuck boring dull day again with the same shit. I know how it will go; Get up at 7, get ready, have breaky, catch the bus….have 3 classes of various crap, then go home and do homework, skype with Stella, Lee and Dim and stay up too late reading or watching movies, fall asleep….you get the black picture!

What can I do to stop the rot of 2013/2014 setting in? Apart from the half terms and holidays when I (hopefully) get to spend time with Lee.

It hasn’t been all romance and flowers in a meadow of passion!

We haven’t, or should I say I haven’t, got over that issue about me being almost pregnant. We spent a good week after that not really communicating. I felt like we weren’t suited on a non-romantic level..like we had just been surfing on a huge wave of lust for all this time and hadn’t noticed how little we have in common. I know we HAVE cos we spent the first gazillion years being best buddies, but when something like that hits you, it’s like, woahh and what the actual fuck do we do now!

Lee wants to get married in his twenties and have a family, at least 3 kids. I don’t. Hence the big hole in my heart. And when I say I don’t I really fucking MEAN I don’t. I want to travel, I want to go work and live abroad like my Aunt did, I want to be wild and free and a fucking liability in my 20s not some slipper wearing, bun of hair wearing, apron tied mother and housewife dying of boredom. I would defo become a drug addict or severely alcoholic. Lee or no Lee, I can’t do it. I had visions of us doing all the crazy shit together! Yes, MY crazy shit which I had never discussed with him because I ASSUMED we both shared that desire.

Fuck my fucking life.

stella thinks I should break up with him now. She reckons the longer we carry on the worse it’s gonna be when we break up like a few years time when he wants THE FAMILY. How the HELL can I? I love him to absolute distraction! He’s the other( better) half of me.

We haven’t talked about this because let’s face facts. I am 17 years old, yes nearly 18 but…wtf should I have to talk about THIS for????

I don’t know if it has ground into his brain as deep as it has in mine, but he seems a bit more distant, like we both suddenly grew older by 10 years. He is now 29 and I’m 27. Somehow I don’t think we’ll still know each other by then and THAT makes me want to lay down and die, quite frankly.

Stella’s like ‘There are so many other guys you could go out with and meet, and you’re off to Uni as well so imagine it there, all those sexy rocker boys.’

I DON’T WANT ANYONE ELSE.

Well, except perhaps Dimitris, but let’s not discuss that in this post.

Mum’s calling me.

Ok so I will try and muster up the energy to lift my fingers up and write some more later. I have a load of work to do that of course I forgot about during the holidays. I could have done it as well, Lee being at work every morning, but that’s me. Procrastinator supreme.

Fucking shit.tumblr_m2nds6CIuU1qfdwsio1_400

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Purgatory

January 20, 2013

Another weekend on my own dreaming and contemplating the future.

I feel as though I’m trapped in the same Ground hog day over and over again.

Get up for college, go to college, come back, eat, do college work, listen to music, surf the net, talk to Lee, go to bed.

Is this it?

I hate January.

I may not even see Lee at February half term. He is skint. London drains him of all his allowance from his parents and they are not at all well off. How can he afford to travel back here? He keeps saying his Dad might fetch him but

we are not supposed to be boyfriend and girlfriend. Why, in that case, would he justify spending all that money on petrol?

Obviously I can’t go and spend the week with him staying in his Halls room. Can you imagine Mum and Dad’s reaction?

I could lie and say I am with Stella but then I don’t think Lee would agree with my lying. And where would I get the cash for the train or bus?

Fucks sake. Lee went on and on about how it would be hard for both of us if we went with our feelings. Long distance relationships are hard. There isn’t even a day to look forward to when I can defo say that I will see him. Summer holidays? Holy crap……

I really don’t usually listen to Avril Lavigne but I am loving this right now

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I’d need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I’m alone
And the bed where you lie is made up on your side
When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?
When you’re gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you’re gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you’re gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through
The day and make it okay
I miss you

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New Year’s Eve 2012

December 31, 2012

So Lee has just been round. He asked me to go to his house tonight as his parents are spending it with friends and him and his sister, Lisa are having a party with a few of his old school mates and some of Lisa’s friends. I would have preferred to have Lee to myself tonight, but what can I do? There are no decent places to go out around here so us teens must stick together I guess. Stella wanted me to go to Rechford but I don’t want to. She doesn’t want to come here which I think is a bit shit as I haven’t seen her for ages. Kate and I haven’t really spoken much since I was ill before Christmas and I’m a bit pissed off with her to be honest. Lee is only here for a while and soon Annabelle will turn up. I want to make the most of the time I’ve got with him before I sink down into the pit of misery that is my life without him. (I was trying to be positive and upbeat today but fuck it. It’s too tiring!)

So party it is. At least Lee’s M&D don’t mind him having alcohol. That’s another (of a gazillion) reasons why having a sensible 19 year old (almost boy) friend is a good idea! My parents don’t let me drink (even though I do, see previous posts!) because once I had some wine at one of Mum’s dinner parties and I threw up under the table. And made an ass of myself in front of their friends. Quelle supriiiiiiiiiiiise!

Anyways, he asked me if I was ok and gave me another amazing hug. (Fuckkkkkkk me I want more!) I didn’t finish the previous post about what happened after our walk. Basically, we walked back to my house and sat at the kitchen table drinking hot choco. I was gutted but at the same time quite excited as I knew how he felt and I had fucking KISSED him! So the conversation was about a lot of things. I tried to be ok with it cos I know he’s in a difficult situ with my strict as shit parents and the fact that his know mine and all that. These were the points we discussed: (The nearest I can remember as the actual words):

1. He said: Your parents are worried sick and may ground you or stop us seeing each other if we mess up even once. (ie if they catch us kissing etc). I said: We can be extra careful. He said: So what’s the difference in our relationship as friends and as a couple? Only now we don’t have a physical thing going. We can wait for that. I said: Nothing. (fuckshit)

2. He said: I’m at Uni and you’re here. A long distance relationship will be hard on both of us. I said: I DON’T CARE! I would rather sit at home knowing we are a couple and miss you as a boyfriend than sit at home and miss you as a friend. He said: Ok, I get your point, but you know how I feel about you. I said: So why not just admit we are a couple? He said: Maybe….(and went really quiet)

3. He said: I don’t want our friendship to suffer. Would we be able to maintain our closeness as friends if we broke up? He told me about a friend of his who had started seeing a good friend of his and it all went wrong and now they don’t speak at all! I said: I think we would. We are both quite mature (me? pffff ok!) and you are my best friend and always will be. But now it’s like we’ve crossed the line anyway. He said: Yes we have in a way. Oh for fuck’s sake this is so hard! (Yes, Lee. It’s killing me.)

4. He said: I’m scared of getting hurt and/or hurting you. I said: But it hurts right now, doesn’t it? (He was nodding). He then said: I think that if we stay friends for now, that it’s safer. Being in love is so complicated. You are only 17. I worry about that. I said: I can look  out for myself. I trust you to be honest with me, that’s all I can ask of you and you of me. I want a chance for us, that’s all.

I was trembling and wished I had a glass of red wine in my hand.

Then THEY came back. Discussion over. He just said, before Mum started going on about some village gossip, that we should think carefully and give it some time before we decide one way or another. He smiled at me so warmly I wanted to just grab him across the table. That kiss…..oh my that kiss!

See? What a fucking fuck up! What do I do? Leave it or keep trying to push my reasoning? Casey always tries to get her own way. Maybe it should be one of my N Y resolutions, to stop trying to manipulate everyone to my way of thinking. I can’t help it though! I don’t know how I’m going to cope now, knowing Lee feels this way about me. I mean, WHEN does he think we can be together then? When I leave for Uni? That’s another year or more yet! No way……….no no no no. I will die.

Well. Tonight will be interesting. I intend to drink. A lot. Will I be able to keep my hands off that person who I love? I doubt it. He is stronger than I am, that’s for sure. Oh holy crap. I wonder who else will be there? Lisa’s friends. Maybe me and Lee can just go off to another room and have our own party. Thing is his old buds will be there as well. Oh joy.

Happy Fucking New Year! 😦

This is all I want for 2013

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http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Believe-In-Love/2827710