I’ll get straight to it, cyber friends.

1. I’m grounded. I pointed out to Dad that IT MAKES NO DIFFERENCE I feel like a prisoner here anyway.

2. Lisa went to LONDON. Yes, LONDON, the same city as Lee..and not only that but the same ROOM as Lee! More on that tragedy later. If I haven’t thrown myself out of my attic window before I get to the end of this rantblog.

3. Dad won’t let me have driving lessons. Because according to his warped sense of good parenting, being grounded includes not going out in a car. Fuck off!

4. My loving parents are threatening to make me move into one of the spare rooms. Hideous much? Bare this in mind: my attic room spans most of the length of the house. BIG. The guest room in question can fit a single bed in it and one chest of drawers. NO.

5. College sucks. I cannot even begin to explain how much it is sucking right now.

On Wednesdays evening Chester got out of the garden and started a bid for freedom down the lane towards the surgery. He has done this before but that was in the day and I found him after about a half hour. But at night there are no lights around which is bloody chuffing cool normally as it makes the whole area spooktastic, but for losing dogs…not cool.

So I leg it out the front door and trip over some random stupid ass box or rock or something and go flying arse over tit onto the driveway where Dad is pulling in. I am literally sprawled everywhere like I am doing angels in the gravel, and my bag has nose dived, opened up (that’s probably due to the fact I never zip the bastard thing up) and things have splayed out in his path. One of those items HAPPENED to be my tobacco. My trusty stash of Amber leaf. Yes, the rolling delight that I hardly ever smoke. Needless to say Dad picks it up and demands I find Chester and then get my self in the house for a ‘talk’. By talk, he always means ‘I will shout at you and not let you open your mouth in response, not even to defend yourself against my gross injustices, because I am older than you therefore assume that I am right at all times.’

I was almost crying with rampant rage fever while looking for Chester and I reckon he must have sensed I was hovering on the edge of despair, stumbling amongst the twigs and shrubbery, calling his name like a Banshee. He turned up quickly and I took him through the front door and upstairs to my room, stiffly perching on the end of my bed thinking what to do to calm down. I usually would have rolled a ciggie and smoked it through the bathroom window, but obviously Dad had got the fucking packet and I couldn’t remember if I had another stash in my room somewhere.

So I just went downstairs and faced the music. Yes, I got shouted at and no, I didn’t get to explain that I smoke probably one cig a day, maybe a few more if I get really stressed at college. I never smoke in the evenings because I am Skyping with Lee while doing my coursework, right, and he HATES the fact that I smoke and thinks I gave up. I have one before I sleep out the open bathroom window. Big wow, let’s hear it for the chainer!

So he grounded me. To be honest I retorted back with the fact that I already feel like I am grounded anyways, but he didn’t give a monkey’s fart as usual. It’s ok, let’s leave my (nearly) 18 year old daughter to rot up in the attic. That’s child (nearly adult) abuse…surely?

Of course the shit hit the fan on Friday night when Lisa texted me, telling me that her (cool as fuck) Mum had allowed her to go to LONDON for the weekend to see Joel. I called her immediately to get the facts of this smash to the gut, and yes, it was all arranged. She could go on the condition that she sleep in Lee’s room and lee would be keeping his eye on her. I think I hung up on her because I was just like, WHATTHEACTUALFUCKISGOINGON!!!???

and I called Lee. He was weird about it, and so he should have been, I mean what a fucker for him as well! What could he say? He asked me if I would come, well he BEGGED me to seeing as Joel was coming all the way to Lincolnshire to pick Lisa up, I had to come too….he didn’t care if we were all sleeping in his room together, he wanted to see me. BUT I WAS GROUNDED! And I couldn’t tell him why else he would have gone apeshit. But I hate lying to lee..I just had to say I was grounded and I said that I had fucked something up at the surgery and I think he believed me. He was sooooooooo gutted and even offered to talk to my Dad to try and redeem the situation just this once. But I couldn’t let him could I? Dad would have told him the real fucking reason!

So I did something hateful. I told Lee I would give him Dad’s mobile number by text so he could talk to him. This was at about 5pm and Joel was due to arrive at 5:30pm. I knew that Lee was going to work soon and probs wouldn’t be able to call me about the missing text message so I just DIDNT text him it. Lisa kept calling and texted me about a million times saying to pack my bag and just COME, but I was too distraught to even talk to her. I vowed I would never talk to her again at that point.

5:30pm. I was just sitting on my bed staring into space. I had about 10 missed calls from Lee and texts asking me to send the number quick cos Joel would be there soon….and then ones like, ‘what the fuck are you doing?’ and ‘Case, where are you, answer your phone,’ etc etc

The final text from Lisa. ‘Joel’s here and we’re about to go. Please Casey, come! My bro is desperate to see you!’

No response.

I sat there for a long, long, agonising time. I hadn’t dare look at Skype, in fact I had draped a scarf over the screen and muted it so I couldn’t hear Lee’s pleading voice.

I think it was around 10pm when Lee called me, on his break. This time I answered. he wasn’t pissed off, just really really upset with me. Lee doesn’t DO angry. Sometimes I wish he would cos Lee upset is worse. I told him that Dad wasn’t speaking to me and I thought he might shout at him if he called. Lee was all like, Case, I maybe could’ve talked him down a bit, me and him get along well…

Yes, but Dad thinks we’re just mates. Why would he think Lee was being so eager to get me to London? He would have smelled shit shining and I would then have got the third degree about my relationship with Lee.

I hate my life.

So I had to put up with watching Lisa in lee’s room waving and being nice, like Lisa is. Just be a goth! Stop being so sweet! She annoys the fuck out of me. I haven’t been able to Skype with Lee properly or fall asleep with him, cos Lisa has been there. Granted she did SLEEP in Lee’s room, but I can tell you, she spent most of the nights with Joel. I saw the door creaking open at 4am on Friday night and 5am last night. I was so jealous of her there, I wanted to hurl at the screen. Lee has been weird with me as well…as bit distant. I guess he is thinking why we have to hide everything from my parents after all this time when Lisa n Joel have been together a few months and she’s there. Why does he put up with me?

I have just Skyped with Lee but he said he was tired and has fallen asleep already. And I’ve got to go to twatting college tomorrow. Oh the joys. Why can’t being grounded include not having to go to college? Fucking double standards! No wonder I don’t want kids when I grow up. It’s all bullshit…parents just play around with their heads and cut all their puppet strings whenever they feel like it and think that knotting them back together afterwards will make them ok again.

I will never be ok.

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Last night

October 24, 2013

Oh man, I am soooooooooo happy!

Last night.

I ran there and stood like a douche at the front of the house to wait for Lee. It was fucking FREEZING cos I hadn’t even thought to put a coat on and had my converse sneakers on so got my feet wet. It was dark. I stood there in front of the gate shivering, watching through the trees for signs of car headlights. I forgot that I was in fact standing in full of the front living room and the curtains were still open (bonus of living in the middle of nowhere you don’t have to keep doing pointless things like pulling them) I turned and looked in and saw Lisa standing there grinning…there was something different about her but I didn’t realise what it was til she got outside and came running up to me.

She’s gone all gothy.

Black tousled hair, nose stud, bangles all the way up her arm, thick kohl eyeliner….you get the picture. LISA! The girl who at new year was dancing to Britney spears wearing high heels and her blonde hair neatly sprayed to death in a straight bob…SHOCK

She was like, Hi Case are you waiting for Lee and Joel? Why don’t you wait inside it’s freezing….I was just about to say no thanks cos I want to plaster him with my body in a few seconds from now and believe me you don’t want to see your dear brother compromised like that when headlight beams slid through the density in front of us and a brand new mini swerved dangerously round and came to a screeching standstill literally a few millimetres from us. Lisa wailed and jumped back. I didn’t so I nearly got killed actually hahaha but didn’t care because…

Two long legs appeared from the passenger side, those dirty red doc martens that I LOVE that hold the feet that I LOVE….(I know vom.com again) and then he was standing in front of me, hair over his face, grinning and holding his arms out. I just THREW myself at him and immediately the cold disappeared and his arms were round me, squashing me ….his smell AAAAAAAARGGGGG……..a bit of ciggie smoke cos Joel had been smoking I think (in hindsight) but his smell was amazing and his warmth….OH MAN…I could hear Imagine Dragons blasting out in the background coming from the car…seemed like ages….when the guy who was Joel, shouted something like ‘Get a room, room ,room room.’ and I came back down to earth. We let each other go and Lee turned to Joel and told him to go fuck himself and then realised Lisa was there and went to hug her. He loves his siss which is cute I guess. Suddenly I felt something hit my right shoulder and taken aback, saw Joel grinning at me ready to wack me again! I would usually have told someone who did that to go fuck themselves but when I saw his face I couldn’t. Ha! He’s NICE. He’s got a round face like a hamster with its entire stash of winter nuts in it…..he’s quite small, well compared to 6ft 4 Lee…he’s about my height, and he had on this crazy yellow beanie hat and his blonde hair was sticking up from underneath it at crazy angles. He was standing there balancing on one leg, grinning insanely at me. I just started laughing and he gave me a tight hug that lasted a few seconds but left me with no breath in my lungs. I instantly really liked Lee’s best mate. ….soo I tripped him up and he went arse over tit onto the gravel driveway and lay there as if he was meant to be there, hands laced behind his head and legs crossed.

Lee had been talking to Lisa while this was happening and they both went ‘What the hell…’ at the same time when they heard the ‘falling’. Joel was laughing and Lee just reached behind him and grabbed my hand and pulled me in next to him. Us three in the dark staring at Joel on the floor……

So yeh, that was the start of it! We all went in and Joel suddenly got serious when introduced to Lee’s mum…Lee kept looking at me and melting me, Lisa kept looking at him adoringly and then at me and grinning. It was so cool. We all sat with Marie, lee’s mum, in the kitchen and the boys chatted away about the journey and how long it took. (Liars, I saw how fast that dude was driving!) and had a cuppa. I felt a bit awkward cos I know that Marie knows about me and Lee…she knows he creeps up my tree to spend nights with me. My M&D would throttle me and ground me FOREVER if they knew, and Lee was all like holding my hand on the kitchen table and leaning against me, so obviously glad to be with me, and his Mum wasn’t battering an eyelid. Why can’t I live with them?????

Then I felt awful for not going round to see Marie EVER, she’s been through the horrible divorce and loads of financial struggles..her and Lisa have been there all along and I’ve been a horse’s arse as usual. No, that’s an insult to horse’s arses.

She was really sweet to me as well, asking about college, Chester and my Aunt. She knows about my M&D cos she works at the surgery cleaning at hideous o’clock , I think 5am…..poor woman.

And when had Lisa changed? I am such a bitch not to even go by and say Hi. I know I shouldn’t judge people on appearances, that’s why Lee and me didn’t get together straight away and I drove him away…and I should have learned from that, but I like the new Lisa!

So then we all went to the living room and Marie went to bed. Joel went to the car and came back with loads of beers. Needless to say the rest of the evening was awesome……I sat with Lee, stuck to each like glue, not knowing where my limbs ended and his began, we were all pretty pissed and tried to watch some film, I think it was Dark Mirrors, but Joel just kept talking despite us all telling him to shut the sweet fuck up every time. Lisa and him seemed to hit it off bigstyle as well, which is cool.

I left at 3am cos we all fell asleep in the lounge and my neck got squished. Lee promised to see me today but thing is, Joel is still there and I’ve been at the surgery all morning…..I suspect that Joel is still there cos of Lisa, but I may be wrong. From what I saw last night…..hahaha.

Yeh, so I’m going to give him a call now. I spoke to him earlier and said I would get some college work done then go round there. I haven’t done any college work, but I am so going round there!

I think you can guess why I’m putting this song here: 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Aunt is here at the moment. It’s half term and that means I have a whole week of getting up late and lazing around. Except that I can’t because I’ve got an EXTORTIONATE amount of college work to do as well as fulfilling my ‘promise’ to Dad of working at the surgery in the mornings. Beginning bastard tomorrow. Goodbye lye ins……:(

So back to stuff. My Aunt is here, the cool one who I share my blog with. I don’t know why we still share it but it’s fine. Yeh I have been hanging out with her since Friday and we’ve been talking about a bunch of stuff including Mum and Dad. They really piss me off. I am living like a frickin hermit here. She agrees with me that life is shit-on-a-stick for a 17 year old..nearly 18, but the thing is what can I do when I’ve got another year of A levels to do…? She offered to give me a place to stay at hers with her boyfriend but I wouldn’t have my own space and it would be too far to travel to my 6th form. Plus the college near her doesn’t do my Theatre Studies A level so I wouldn’t be able to transfer there. You reckon my M&D would let me move away? Pfffffffffffffffff no fucking way while the moon is round…

The worst scenario right now is with Lee. Apart from the OBVIOUS that he’s NOT here and it’s half term, he and Annabelle are plotting stuff. Well, there are three of them, him, Annabitchface and Chloe who are buddies in the Halls of residence near his Uni. They are all on the Fine Art Course so they hang out etc. lee’s best mates are on the Film and Animation Course at the same Uni but they live in a house quite a long way from Lee. Now apparently there are two spare rooms in this house up for rent and Lee has suggested that to make the whole dealio cheaper, those three should move in with his buddies. There’s a huge room with two double beds in it and an en suit and another single room. Annafuckingslut wants her and Lee to live in there!!!!!!!

You absolute BITCH.

I mentioned that Chloe wanted to Skype with me, well she has been texting me while she gets her laptop so we have been getting to know each other. She can’t stand Annabellend either! She finds her arrogant, snobbish and nasty. Ha! She told me that A has a way with lee, like she behaves nice in front of him but as soon as he leaves or she’s not with him, she turns nasty. She, Chloe, has suggested to Lee that Annabelle has the single room and her and him share the big one. Thing is that A’s parents are rich and pay for everything. I reckon she’s got a credit card so she can buy anything she wants on them. It would make sense for her to have her own room so that Chloe can help lee out with the rent for their room. I don’t know Chloe that well, but I would rather he share with her than Annabelle. PLUS, Chloe has brilliantly pointed out that my parents would feel better about me sleeping in that shared room with her and Lee than just with lee. (As if Chloe would stay there though….no no no we have already discussed that as Chloe has got another flat that we can stay in or she can stay in! MY PARENT DON’T KNOW WE ARE TOGETHER so if I wanted to go to London it would be all above board! (in their eyes until I get there haha!) Plus they think that Annabelle is Lee’s girlfriend (makes puking gestures) so it’s all covered for future fun and games!

So yes. Where the sweet fuck is my beautiful, sexy boyfriend? Still in pigging London that’s where. WORKING. As usual I am the last person in his life to know what’s going on. As in the summer, he has to think about his job in the bar, his Mum and sister desperately missing him, his Dad, (who he is still properly raging at) wanting to see him and ME. Yes. His secret lover who remains in the background. FUCK. The last thing we spoke about was that he might be able to come here on Wednesday until Monday. Let’s fucking hope so.

I wish I could just pack a bag and go go go to London right NOW. Fuck college work and working for my Dad. But no. Sensible Casey says she needs driving lessons and to get her work done so she can finish college and get THE SWEET FUCK out of here…..that’s what being with Lee has done to me! I’m all about the sensible. Well, sometimes…….

………….until I talk to DIMITRIS! He is threatening to come here. He doesn’t want to go back to Greece this half term without me and says that he can’t stand it, he misses me and wants to meet up. My parents agree that he can..yes because his parents are friends with my Grand YIAYIA and PAPOUS! Can you believe this shit………..what do I do? If Lee doesn’t come and Lee does, i don’t know if I can trust myself to NOT do something nuts like kiss him or sleep with him. If Lee does come (please please any God or Goddess who is listening…) then how can I have two guys who I adore, for different reasons, in the same vicinity and feel ok about it?

Me to Lee: Yes so this is Dimitri who I met in Thessaloniki and lives next door to my Grandparents and goes to Manchester Uni and who I find monstrously attractive in the sense that he’s crazy, rebellious and free spirited…like you are not………….

Me to Dimitri: Yeh, so this is Lee who I fell head over heels in love with last year because he’s so cute, loving, loyal and sensible, all the stuff that you and I are not and that makes him my polar opposite…as well as being drop dead gorgeous and sexy, as he’s the one I lost my virginity to…..and would stick by me through WW3 unlike you Dimitri…..

*SHOCK*

Hmmmm………….

I am in a shitter of a dilemma. As usual. I will be back later. Right now me and Aunty S are going to cook our vegetarian roast dinner to eat with M&D.

Laterz ………..oh I will be up here with S drinking beer. At least for a few days we’ve got a car to go out in and go buy stuff………….just to breathe.

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Disturbed at all?

March 10, 2013

I haven’t written for a while because of a few factors….the most obvious being that watching Lee on Skype and having it on all the time means I can’t manage to peel my eyes off the screen for long enough to write a blog post.

Also, I have been off college again for a few days. Had a sick bug or something. loads of people got it and I always get whatever illness is going round. Ironic seeing as my Dad is a frickin Doctor! I did think for a horrific hour or two that I might be pregnant but thinking about it logically (and not getting into that much detail on here), it is VERY doubtful. Careful is an understatement as far as Lee is concerned.

Lastly and honestly, not a lot was going on. Nothing really worth writing about at least.

Until now.

I came back from Kate’s yesterday afternoon around 4pm and went straight to Skype as Lee said he had just come back and would be there to chat before he started getting ready to go out. (Did I mention I hate Saturday nights?) So I sat down at my desk and looked at the screen. I saw a girl standing by Lee’s bed. It wasn’t Annabelle, it was some girl I didn’t know obviously. She was just standing there looking down at his unmade bed, hands in her jacket pockets. She obviously didn’t know he leaves Skype on!

So, I texted him, asking him where he was. He said downstairs in the shared lounge with Annabelle and that he would be there in 2 minutes. I sent him another saying that there was a girl in his room. He then called me straight away and I could hear he was lunging up the stairs. He asked me what she looked like and how long she had been there, what she was doing etc.

Then I saw him fly into the room and stop dead when he saw her. There was a few seconds of silence and then she turned to look at him. I heard him go ‘Steph, what are you doing in here?’ and suddenly she was throwing herself at him, her arms going round his neck and he stumbled back and thudded against the half closed door, slamming it shut. He was then trying to push her off him, but she keot coming back at him and grabbing out. I heard her go ‘Please lee’ a few times before he slipped under her and came really close up to the laptop for a split second and disappearing out of view.

I felt sick. Like I was intruding but I couldn’t look away. I maybe should have switched Skype off or just minimised it, but I was transfixed in a really ugly, dark way. I never thought about the consequences of being able to see into each other’s rooms 24/7. It had never crossed my mind that I would see another GIRL in there! I mean I know that Annabelle goes in when he is there because I see her sometimes in the morning. But not some random chic called Steph who he has never mentioned!

So I kept watching. I could hear him but he was out of view. Getting as far away from her as possible I guess. She was crying and sitting on the bed, almost looking straight at the laptop. It felt fucking weird. She was saying that her and him were meant to be together and that he shouldn’t be with some 17 year old who lived hundreds of miles away! I then debated whether I should just switch off. I could hardly bare to hear his response. Thank God though, he defended me and said it was nothing to do with her or anyone else and that he loved me. Oh Holy fuck thank you!

That was when I went out with Chester even though it was pissing with rain by then.

Poor Lee. He knew I could see it all and must have felt fucking shit. When I got back about half hour later I had 20 missed calls. I had forgotten my phone. I had calmed down by then and called him. She had finally gone but had said that it wasn’t finished. Disturbed at all?

He had met her a few weeks ago but told her he was in a relationship. She had come round to the Halls a few times looking for him lately and spoken to Annabelle who had obviously told her everything about me. The ammunition at least. Bitch. Lee told me not to be mad at her but I can’t help it. You don’t pursue if someone tells you they are in a relationship and specially you fucking don’t go to their Halls and walk into their room! None of their doors lock, but they don’t usually care cos the front door has got a security buzzer and they all trust each other as they are all good buds who live there. Annabelle must have let her in. If I find out Annabelle knows about our Skyping 24/7 then I would deduce she let her in and took pleasure in the fact that she knew I would see her there. Fucksake.

I am so sick and tired of this long distance shit. I feel like I am the last one to know everything.

 

 

dreaming

February 25, 2013

Did that really happen?

I am assured by my beautiful lover that yes, in fact it did! I don’t want to spill all our private stuff on here, it’s not appropriate, but I am just overwhelmed by how I feel, how it has changed everything in my life. All the stories I have heard about nightmare first experiences of sex….and mine couldn’t have been better. I was in heaven until we fell asleep cuddled up at about 3:30am. We only had 3 hours sleep but I felt more alive than ever before afterwards, even though he was falling over trying to get dressed in the dark and sneak down the tree back to his house before any of our parents woke up. I remembered to tell him not to enter the garden at the back cos of Chester, who would have gone apeshit if Lee had appeared creeping past his little house.

I do not know how I got through today at college. I don’t remember much of yesterday only that I couldn’t get up out of that warm nest of a bed that smelt of Lee…Lee’s skin and Lee’s warmth. I still haven’t changed the sheets or pillowcases and won’t for ages. Hahahaa. I didn’t even want to have a shower but thought I should seeing as I had to face M&D sooner or later yesterday evening!

Oh we have spent hours on the phone talking and going over those delicious sexy moments again and again. He was soooooo gentle, I think I was the one who was a bit rampant but he wasn’t complaining! Oh I want to talk about it from the first second he slipped into bed with me but I can’t…secrets…for him and me only!

All I will say is that it was perfect. We had candles, we had warmth, we had time, we took it slow….we got to know what each other likes, we laughed a lot and had fun. We were like two people who fit together, like we were separated and now we have found our other halves. Oh I long for it again. I wish I could just have a kiss, a hug and look from those deep dark eyes of his…feel those silky hands running all over my skin…….

Casey….stop…. 🙂

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Sex part 1

February 23, 2013

Ok I know I am going to get shitloads of hits from that title alone. Perverts may now fuck off because this post isn’t for you. This is quite serious actually and personal. I don’t even know if I’m going to end up pressing ‘publish’ or not!

Right, so obviously Lee and I have been close friends for…8 months almost. I know about his ‘relationships’ and exs, but now that we are in love, I don’t really like to think about the stuff he has told me about! I myself have not yet gone ‘all the way’ with anyone, the closest to it was with that moron Phil and we were just fooling round. Not wanting to go into it in much detail (I was no way near in love with him and it seems foul now) we got naked but it was cut short by his drunk brother coming in. Thank God actually! I am also, for the record, proud that I haven’t slept with anyone yet and pleased because I know it’ll be Lee who I love with a passion and who respects me and loves me back.  Lee has had sex with two girls (ouch) one of them was when he was 16 and  a french exchange student called Julietta. The other was with a girl he was with for about 6 months. (Penny). He was madly in love with her (ouch once more) but she moved abroad with her M&D and they lost touch. He’s 19, nearly 20, so it’s not like he has really been a slut. 🙂

Now this is the thing. I was talking to Stella last night when Lee had gone (and we had gone right to the bottom of the garden in the dark to have a long goodnight snog where no one could see us). He said that he was finding it really hard to control himself and wished we could just spend the night together snuggled up in bed. (swoon). I said I felt the same but how could that ever happen? He was the one that had been going on about us behaving like mates to cover up our feelings and risking being grounded and split up! Anyways we left each other feeling all frustrated and…well you know….fucking horny!

So Stella was being honest as usual. She is a good mate because she likes indulging in the heady excitement of it all but always says stuff that is serious and could go wrong. In this case she pointed out that Lee is almost 20, at Uni surrounded by beautiful girls (like fucking Annabelle she meant) and that how can I expect him to NOT want sex? OUCH x 500!!! She is right as well. I was being a bit naive or just trying not to think about stuff like that. I wanted it to be all fairytale love…I didn’t consider the male sex drive thing.

So today. We have been out all day around and about. Lee was a little bit cold towards me first thing, not like he wasn’t speaking to me, just with the affection. I asked him if he was feeling bad and he admitted yes; he was trying to back off so as to make it easier to walk away. He said he had hardly slept the night before from imagining me and him in a ‘plethora of hot positions’ (his words) and he laughed. So I started the discussion, saying that I didn’t want him to feel this way, it is bad enough that we are in a long distant relationship and have to wait months to see each other, let alone that when we do, we can’t sleep together. He was quiet for a while, thinking. We were sitting on our coats at this point, under a tree cos it was snowing a bit. He said that he knew I was a virgin (yaaaaaaaaaaak how childish that sounded) and that I had to be sure I wanted it. He didn’t want to push me into anything. I was the one who wanted to push HIM into it I told him. He laughed but his face was serious. I just kept saying I wanted it. BADLY. He was entwining his fingers round mine as he looked down, contemplating. I felt really alive and strong and confident. I kept saying stuff like he was the sexiest. hottest guy I had ever met and how lucky I was to be in love with my best mate…that I trusted him 200%. I thought I should stop and let him talk a bit and he gave me a scrummy hug and stayed with his arms round me. He asked me what we should do about it.

Well, me being Casey the relentless rebel, suggested that he climb up my tree and get in through the window. TONIGHT. (I was only half joking!) He made a tutting noise and poked me in fun, as that was what got us into trouble before, me climbing down to meet him. We sat in silence for ages and he suddenly he turned to me and said, ‘Ok then, I’ll do it.’

He’s coming round later on and we’re going to have some wine with M&D and watch a DVD. Then our plan is going to be put into place before he leaves at about 11. I feel sick but so fucking excited. If this works….oh my god…..I’m going to sleep with Lee!

I will write tomorrow. If I haven’t died of passion………..has anyone ever done that? Heart attack from sexual pleasure????

ohmygodohmygodohmyfuckinggod!

 

Arrival

February 21, 2013

So I went back to sleep til about 11:30 when Lee called me and said he was up and eating breakfast. He had managed to explain to his parents what he needed to do and they were apparently cool with it. All my Mum and Dad said was ‘Oh, so his girlfriend’s not here with him then?’ Which OUTRAGED me inside. I just smiled and said no.

I told M&D that I would be going out with Lee to do some sketching and take photos for my Textiles project and they didn’t say anything. (It seems that we are out of the woods (hahaha) as far as suspicion goes. They think he’s still with Annabelle). I took Chester out for a bit and then went off to meet Lee on the path that joins our houses. I was sooooooooo excited and nervous as well because we parted acting like mates and didn’t get chance to kiss or anything. The woods at the back of here are so dense and no one goes there cos there are no other houses around. Conveniently!

He was already waiting, standing there grinning with his scrummy hair hanging down over his eyes. It has grown. Yum. I ran up to him and he put his arms round me and swung me round. I thought my heart would explode. OH MY GOD. He smelt really nice as well, some scent I don’t remember him wearing before. Meltdown. We were both laughing like idiots and then his face came down and he was about to kiss me when we realised we were a bit exposed for that show of affection. We could see his house from there so that meant we could be seen as well. We walked off towards the thickets and wooded area, I was teasing him and trying to grab his hand and he was pushing me away with his shoulder and whispering ‘not yet’ and smiling like a kid….we got into the woodland clearing and he grabbed me, pulled me down onto the ground and started planting kisses all over my cheeks and eyes. Oh jesus. Then he kissed me properly and the entire universe spun away and I was a weightless, mass of nothing except star dust. It was THE most amazing (I don’t know) 5 minutes of my life.

Eventually we came up for breath. He stared into my eyes and smiled. I just thought, this was worth waiting for. It has all been worth it. Every night of no sleep. Every depressing day at college thinking what the hell am I doing…all the stinging thoughts of Annabelle. All of it. I don’t regret this relationship, not for one milli-second.

We DID actually get some art work done and some photos taken, although we also got a lot of lip action going as well! It has all been too long coming and we need to make up for lost time. I just want to eat him. Never had that raging desire for anyone like this. Clearly he feels the same way because he couldn’t keep his hands to himself all afternoon…hugging, tickling, arms round me, holding my hand….aaaaaaaaaaaaaa heaven.

So tonight he is going to stay at home for a while and print out the photos and put everything in order. (Look like he is doing something substantial!) Then he say he will call and we can decide what to do. I think it will only be us two sitting in the kitchen or living room with M&D coming in and out. But that’s ok. He’s here.  I love him so much! 

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I broke up from college yesterday for half term. Lee did as well. I got home from college early yesterday because quite frankly I couldn’t concentrate on classes and I was highly pissed and irritated by everyone, including Kate who was trying to help me think of ways around the problem. I lay on my bed, my messy, dirty sheets cos I didn’t sleep at all last night and kept pulling things around. I started getting weird heart-burny feelings like anxiety so I called Lee to see if by some incredible miracle, he had been able to think of a plan to come here instead of staying in London for the week.

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My sketchbook today

You see, the condition that Lee’s parents managed to get him a room in Halls, is that he has to stay there during half terms and some of the summer holidays to kind of guard the building while the rest of the students leave. His Halls are in a massive Victorian Terrace which has, I think, 12 rooms en suit and 2 huge kitchens and bathrooms. His Dad found it through a friend of his and because this friend owns it and wants to be off on holidays whenever he can, said that Lee wouldn’t have to pay as much per month if he stayed back to keep an eye on the building while he’s not there. Lee’s M&D have had a lot of financial crap over the last 5 years and didn’t know whether they could get Lee through Uni. Anyways, Lee has been trying to get someone else to stay back for half, if not all of the week. The guy agreed that as long as someone did then Lee could come back. I have been waiting on tenterhooks for about two weeks about this crap.

That’s only stage one of the problem. The second stage is that Lee will have to give his M&D a pretty good reason why he is here. Clearly, we are not supposed to be more than friends so why would he opt to come all this way back, spending over £100 quid on train fare (that his Dad will have to give him) when as far as they are concerned, he is happier socialising in London and getting on with his art projects which he has got to continue with despite it being half term?

So yes. Hey fucking ho. Lee told me last night that he might have found a girl who will stay back instead of him. She has got a job in a Gallery and sometimes doesn’t want to go home at half terms anyway. (Then I start to think…how many girls live in his house? Are they all like Annabelle? Tall, strikingly arty and uber-talented?)

So we had a long convo last night and then he called me back at about 3am after sending me  a text saying how much he missed me.

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I was like…..yeh me too and told him that I couldn’t fucking sleep. AGAIN. We have been trying to come up with the reason why he would need to come back here. It has to be something to do with his project because his M&D will go for that….they support him 200% and anything he needs for college they rally around and make happen. We came up with a great idea. He is organising and part managing (with frickin Annabelle) a community project with some inner city children in a care home. They are doing a collage/mural about living in a city and the challenges they face but they need a contrasting module so I suggested a sculpture about rural life. He reckons that would be enough to constitute his coming back, even for a few days, to ‘gather research’. (Yeh ok! Pffff. He can research me any day of the week!)

He genuinely has to do some work on the project, but surprisingly Annabelle has said she will take over while he’s gone. That’s a smack in the gob, I thought she would have kicked off and demanded he stayed with her, like she did when she came here at New Year.

I am waiting! I spent all day today doing college work. I want to get as much done as possible in case he does come. At Christmas me, the great procrastinator, left it all til Lee had gone and had one day to do it. And as I should have known, I couldn’t do it cos I couldn’t drag my battered self out of bed I was so distraught.

I have texted him but he hasn’t answered yet. The only time he doesn’t answer immediately is when he’s in a lecture or asleep, OR if something important is cracking off. Let’s hope the latter.

 

I am physically and emotionally dying to see him again………

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zzz

oach! My frickin heart…..:(

uuuu

 

So, Lee has gone back to London.

I feel empty. I feel hollow. But I also feel weirdly alive like I’ve got electricity coursing through my veins.

I haven’t written for days because I wanted to make the most of Lee. Sometimes it felt like it would never end and he would never go, but then, alone at night up here in my attic room, I have never felt so alone. Especially thinking about him and Annabelle in his house, under the same roof.

So let’s go back to the day after the kiss in Lisa’s room.

I woke up obviously with a raging hangover from mixing wine and beer and not downing a pint of water before I fell asleep. Mum said she had tried to wake me up since 10am but had given up, just being glad that I was home safely and Lee hadn’t stayed again. Lee came round. I just managed to drag myself to the bathroom, wash all my make up off and apply some light mascara as well as clean my rank smelling teeth. Ewww. He looked a bit ill himself but told me that he hadn’t been drunk, but had been awake most of the night worrying about our situation, mulling over the kiss in his mind over and over again. His mates had all sussed what had happened in Lisa’s room and said that they had all sensed the vibe coming off me. (Only me?)

They had all spent the rest of the party trying to persuade Lee to follow me to my house, but he had tried to explain our situation and that if he had gone and been found in my room later by M&D we would have been banned from seeing each other probably forever. They had let up and got on with the party but he said he had felt really bad.

My head was throbbing all through this ‘conversation’ and I wanted to get something to eat and drink and go back to bed. I wanted him to just say that everything was gonna be ok and that we were together, he was mine and for me to at least feel like death walking for a good reason.

But it had gone all serious and seemed to regret the kiss. Personally I thought it was fucking delicious and longed to do it again despite my dog shit mouth. He was sitting on the other end of the kitchen table and seemed to be unable to look me in the eye. I had to ask. Did he regret what happened? He stared at the floor, shifted in the chair and shook his head. Thank fuck for small mercies!

He then stared right into my eyes for ages and said that he had to go and get a shower and clear his head. I wanted to bawl my eyes out,, it was fucked up and I felt so ill and alone. I asked him if we could do something later and he said he would call. I showed him out through the back door and he hugged me for ages but didn’t hang around long enough to kiss me. I felt like a part of me was dying.

He didn’t call til later on in the evening. I had slept a bit but cried mostly and my friggin eyes felt like pumped up car tires. He asked me if we could give it a miss that evening and promised he would feel better the next day and we should go out with Chester, get some fresh air and try and figure stuff out. That night was the longest of my life, but there was a spark inside me because at least he was suggesting that there was a solution.

So, January 2nd dawned. I woke up feeling ok but still tired out and weak. I spruced up as much as I could muster the energy to do and then got a phone call from Stella. She was crying and histerical, saying that she had split up with Matt on New Year’s Eve and could she come and stay with me. Her Mum was willing to bring her in the car. What could I say? I meanI know I can be a queen fucking bitch at times, but that wrath is reserved for fuckwits who deserve it. Stella doesn’t so I said yes.

The next phone call was to lee to tell him I wouldn’t be able to see him. Not that day or the next. I was gutted, so upset, but I owed Stella my support. He sounded genuinely flawed by my sudden need to be with Stella and deep inside I kinda thought maybe he would spend the next two days missing me a bit and hopefully come to his senses and realise we should be together. So that’s what happened. Stella came. Lee didn’t.

I couldn’t do much for her, as I knew I wouldn’t. She just needed a shoulder to cry on. I almost forgot that Annabelle was due to appear on the 4th January and Stella was still here then. Lee had been texting me and trying to call continuously over the two or three days, but I only picked up twice and answered his sms twice. I wanted to just ease up and Stella was the perfect distraction if I am honest. It gave me a break from my own pain. Is that selfish?

So on the morning of the 4th, Lee called me. It was about 11am and he asked me if I was ok, and how Stella was and then said that Annabelle was arriving at 12. He asked if he could come over and just see me for half an hour as he had missed me like crazy. Stella offered to go for a walk but I told her to stay in my room as Lee wasn’t allowed up there anyways. She met him in the kitchen and winked at me before disappearing up the stairs and winking at me. She approved but who wouldn’t!?

The first thing he asked me was if I had missed him. I said yes of course. I don’t see the point in playing games. He said that he had thought at first that I had been avoiding him and maybe decided he was too much hassle. He hadn’t slept hardly again. I told the truth and said that Stella coming had been a welcome distraction because he was hurting me so badly and I was so tired of analysing each and every look, word and gesture. I suppose I sounded quite angry. I was though. He stood up and I thought he was going to head out the door, but he suddenly turned round and said:

‘I have decided….if you still want to….we should…just let our relationship go the way it wants…I should stop fighting it for the sake of your age, the distance and the fact that your parents are protective. It’s not right. I can’t see you as a friend any more. I think I am falling for you and I can’t do anything about it. So what do you think?’

That was when I found myself almost running to him. I flung myself at him, he thudded against the kitchen door frame and we both started laughing. I was also crying with happiness.

That was when Mum decided to walk in……………..

He said we should ‘let the dust settle’ and then approach my parents about it.

We have been acting as best buds since then. I am a fucking good actress! He is too, worst luck. He is acting differently towards me though, I can feel it. He stares at me a lot as well. We are sat watching a DVD and he’ll look over at me. I don’t look directly at him, just pretend to be watching the film to see how long he looks for. It’s longer than ever and it’s more than friendly. I look up and he snaps out of some daze and smiles at me as if to say, Jesus this is so difficult. TELL ME ABOUT IT!

We did go out for a walk in the fresh evening air last night. Mum and Dad were out and they had a little (humiliating) chat to me before they went saying that they ‘trusted’ me not to fool around (their choice of wording!) with Lee in my room and to be mature about the situation. Hmm. What could I do? I was pleased that they were allowing Lee in the house when they weren’t there to stick their beaks in, so I shut up and put up. It was really nice, though.

We walked with Chester to the woodland where we used to spend time in Summer. We just talked about family mostly to start with and then Lee brought the subject of Annabelle up. She’s coming on 2nd January for 3 days. Fucking cool. Not. He told me that she has been having a lot of problems with her (much older) boyfriend who she has been with since she was 16. She’s now 20. Apparently he has been hitting her, which is shit. He has tried to get her to break up with him but so far she can’t seem to find the strength. Her parents don’t believe her (wtf?) and they worship the ground he stands on for some reason so she wants to come and stay here with Lee for a few days for a break. She will be in the spare room, I asked him. Fuck I am so jealous even though he insists they are just good friends. Oh, and she is looking forward to meeting me. Yeh, I bet. So she can laugh at me being young and silly, being grounded by my parents! Jesus. Will this nightmare ever end?

I tried to sound excited by the prospect of meeting her, but it was so hard. I wanted to cry actually. Yes, Casey Cry? Woah.

Anyhow. We had a weird experience with Chester as he managed to get off the lead. God knows how, I still don’t get it. We chased him through the dark. He totally ran off the little shit. So we were hacking our way through bushes and stuff when I fell and landed right on Lee. I won’t pretend, I really enjoyed it cos his body got kinda trapped against a tree and I was like, whoops sorry! I could just see his face in the shadowy light and he was smiling. I couldn’t help myself, I just wanted to kiss him so badly. I couldn’t control my face and it went really near his. I heard him go ‘Case’ and then I was vaguely aware of his hands on my shoulders…was he pushing me away? I don’t know but I chose to totally ignore it. I felt his nose on my cheeks all warm and felt his breath. He is tall and my neck was stretching. I was balancing on the balls of my feet and my calves were pulling like crazy. Then my lips kinda collided with his and it was like a hot bolt going right through me. Oh man…it was very short but I can still feel it, right now. Deliciously soft and warm. I have been over and over this moment in my head a gazillion times since it happened…

It was only a split second of bliss and he had gently pushed my shoulders away. He was looking at me but I was swooning and I couldn’t focus on reality for a few seconds after. He then said ‘Oh my God.’ and carried on staring. The next thing he was doing was holding me in an amazing hug, both of us with branches and leaves sticking in our sides and faces. It was amazing.

He then said (after what seemed like hours to me) ‘Come on, let’s find Chester.’ and we clambered out of the bushes. There he was just sitting there wagging his tail. As if he had planned it. (Chester, not Lee hahaha).

So we started walking. Neither of us really knew where, we were just putting one foot in front of the other. We are never stuck for words and we never have awkward silences, but we had a bit of one then. I was looking up at him every so often, trying to read what he was thinking and feeling without making him feel claustrophobic. I hate it when people do that to me, staring, expecting me to speak. I was subtle and kept walking, my heart thumping in my chest and my legs still all jellish. Then he goes:

‘Casey. I really like you. Honestly I do. I have liked you as more than a mate since I met you but I didn’t know how to approach it.’

That was when I couldn’t open my hole and speak.

Silence.

We had both stopped walking and Lee was digging his shoes into the mud and looking at the floor.

I don’t remember what I said exactly but I told him, with my heart in my frickin mouth, that I felt the same and what were we going to do?

Then he said this.

‘We can’t do anything right now, I told you.’

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

More later. Mum’s calling me. I think Lee’s here…………..