I have been thinking about this a lot as well. I once spoke to my Dad about it (he’s a Doctor). I didn’t disclose ALL the horrible thoughts I sometimes have (you know the ones…about killing him and Mum when they piss me off etc) but he said that it’s pretty normal for teens (particularly girls) to go through this uncertainty. He reckons it’s all part of finding ourselves (and due to hormones!). My boyfriend also went through this, he said, from the age of 15 to 18 and says now that he’s 19 he is feeling a balance inside himself…Like not so up and down easily. Does this help anyone else?


June 9, 2013

I concur! I still need it. Now more than ever as it holds my memories, my ties to people I miss and my hopes for the future 🙂

The Odd One Out

Music is my addiction. 

At school I felt like I was falling into nothing and I just wanted to scream.

So I let the music scream for me.

It felt like my oxygen. It created this perfect little bubble of chaos. 

I needed it.

I needed the voice whispering sweet thoughts of suicide.

I needed that chilling riff note that gave me shivers.

The steady beat of the drum set the rhythm of my heart.

This is how much I need music.

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I can relate Jessie! x



( Please be aware that there is swearing and anger ahead)

If you reading this now, I guessing that you looked at this, saw the title and could instantly relate to this, and i just want to let you know your not alone.

Recently people at school have been judging the fuck out of me! These are people that I have never even said hello too. So on Friday I heard that some girl in year 12(the year above me) was going around and saying that she thinks im a bitch and blah blah bah, well yeah thats cool, you dont know me, my life or my story but sure call me a bitch if it makes you feel better. But telling everyone? speading around to all the year 12’s that im a bitch and a slut and shit! NO! im sorry that is too far, you dont know me for fucks sake…

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It’s always some kind of pain…….

The Odd One Out

You can’t escape the pain.

Someone will always hurt you.

Someone will always break your heart.

Someone will always leave you.

You will always leave someone else.

Someone will end up being the one that got away.

All you can do is make the time worth it because you can’t escape the pain.

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An amazing poem! I wish all those sheeple out there could read this!

The Why About This

Living your life for or through others is a very unhealthy thing. I wrote this for someone I know. She spent too many years in this mode until she herself realized what she needed to do for herself to be a whole person. It is a reminder to others as well:

Yesterday and the day before,
I was told who I should be and everyone agreed (except me)!
Yesterday and the day before I was the person
everyone wanted me to be (except me)!
 Yesterday and the day before,
I did things the way others had decided I should do things, to please them not myself.
Yesterday and the day before,
I just went along with the others to keep the peace, not because I thought it was right.
Yesterday and the day before,
I was miserable and didn’t like the me I’d become…

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December 9, 2012

Some kind of resolution

December 8, 2012

Lee phoned me last night almost as soon as I’d posted that last blog post.

I apologised profusely for not calling him and he was as sweet as pie, as he usually is. That’s one thing I love about him; he never snaps or treats anyone with wrath even when he’s in a foul mood. He is so balanced, unlike me. I just mouth off and regret it. I know it’s wrong but I can’t help it.

Anyway. I told him what that ‘Trace’ girl had said and he was mortified! He told me all about her and how scary and psycho she was when they were going out. He ended it and she took it badly. I don’t blame her, so would I! I was really confused though about why she would have singled me out, after all, me and Lee are not ‘together’. I was pretty brave and asked him why. He goes:

”Well, you know. We come from a small rural community where everyone knows everyone else’s business down to the time of their latest bowel movement (lol to that) and so I guess she has heard that we’re close and thinks we’re togethr. You must admit, it does look like we are and to see us together, people must think it.”


My heart was racing and I just didn’t know what to say. I wanted to say something like well maybe we should be then because it feels like we are, to me at least.

But I frickin didn’t did I? No, of course not Casey you fucking arsehole. It would have been a perfect intro to our talk that is inevitably going to take place sooner or later. But it was all in hindsight and at the moment we were talking, I was too overcome, like someone has stuffed cotton wool into my brain. Idiot!


November 24, 2012

So I’ve been upstairs since this morning when mum had a massive go at me about my new pentagram. It’s soooo cold out there that I just managed to give Chester a walk through the woods before everything on my body froze. My eyelashes were even icing together when I blinked. I persuaded Dad to let me bring Chester up to my room and he said that was fine. After all it’s my stuff up here that he’ll wreck if anything, but he’s a good dog. I cleaned him up a bit and he’s been up here all day keeping me company. I might get away with him sleeping on my bed. 🙂

So anyway. Dogs are really sensitive to spirit activity. I may have mentioned that I have thought there’s a ghost in my bathroom? Well, there defo is something in there because Chester WON’T GO IN and he just keeps lifting his head every so often and looking towards the door. I might have to do some research about the house as I know it’s old, I can tell that. What happened here? Did someone die? It is the attic room, which stretches right across the top of the house, so who knows? I thought I saw someone in there a few days after we moved in, but lately it has been getting weirder. Halloween was the weirdest because it wasn’t in the bathroom it was in front of my door. It was a figure, maybe about my height. I don’t know why but I think it’s a girl. This is the first time I’ve had Chester up here (well, that’s a lie! I sneak him up a lot but only for a few minutes at a time or when M&D are out) and I wanted to see how he would react. My attic is really big, so he hasn’t had a chance to explore before. He hasn’t got a problem with the bed area, or my study area near the window, but beyond my art desk and towards the bathroom, he hesitated, stared for ages at the bathroom and turned away, jumping up on the bed and curling up. Bless!

Look at him! I just took this shot.

I swear he’s smiling!

I have told Lee about my ghost. He says that I need to ask myself if I feel threatened or afraid of her, or if my gut feeling tells me she won’t hurt me. He reckons that if the ghost is benevolent (I had to ask him what that meant, felt a right div) then I should maybe try and communicate with her. Maybe she needs help? I asked him, what if it’s out to harm me (by the way he said that would be a malevolent spirit! hahaha) and he said that I should then do a sage cleansing. I’ve heard of that before cos I watch Paranormal Investigation programmes really late at night. I might research it and see if there’s any kind of special ritual that I would need to do.

But, no, this ghostgirl isn’t giving me the creeps. I sense sadness. Poor thing. I keep watching out to see if she appears. I, kinda looking forward to it!

Hmmm. Lee. Oh God I miss him! He’s at a party tonight, one of his friend’s is 20 it’s a huge party at a student house in Camden. I feel sick thinking about it. He didn’t mention whether A (I can’t bring myself to type that name) is going to be there, and I just didn’t dare ask. My frickin imagination is left here to run wild again tonight. I can hear and see the rain pelting against my window. It’s always noisy up here in the attic cos it’s so high up. The wind howls around the disused blocked up chimneys and I can still hear it coming down almost to floor level cos my fireplaces are blocked by bricks. I asked Dad to unblock them but he said no cos once you’ve got an open chimney, especially up so high, there’ll always be shit coming in from outside and leaves and stuff. What a shame, it would be cool, like a rubbish dump for disused nature.

I feel sad. I’m used to being alone and as I said before, I LOVE my attic room (well, floor) it’s like a haven. I’ve got my metal frame bed that M&D got designed for me by one of her friends who’s a blacksmith. I’ve got purple walls with a huge mural I painted on the biggest window (almost to the floor bay window) facing wall so it gets sun on it. (It has faded it a bit I’ve noticed ) and then I’ve got my wardrobe and small dressing table…then looking down the attic room there’s my desk and college books on one side and my art desk on the other side…(that’s a total anarchistic, artistic, bohemian TIP of an area and I love it!) I’ve got a small bay window in front of my desk there and on that wall just TONS of images and scraps torn from magazines…you know just things I found that I love. Inspiration. Then further down my stereo and loads of CDs and stuff for my IPOD….magazines about music and piles of paper on the floor with lyrics scribbled on. Then the bathroom door to the right. It’s not a huge bathroom but it’s ace for me. I can just have a bath or shower when I want and don’t have to wait for Dad and get gased out after he does a huge stinker in there. Jesus dad. When we lived in the other house I almost retched every time. Appalling.

Oh and I’ve got blue fairy lights EVERYWHERE!

I’ll try and get a photo of my place and post it.

Here’s one of my haunted bathroom window 🙂

listening to:

November 19, 2012

Some great advice to follow…