What’s up now!

November 10, 2013

Right then, I am determined to be positive all the way through this post. If I lie then I lie. Fuck it. (But I may have to put a bunch of foot notes at the end and admit some true shit!)

Ok so let’s start with my favourite subject, lee. Yeh so he finally backed down and created a Facebook page. I mean hell, is it THAT difficult?? Apparently so. I know I don’t spend much time on it either but it’s really nice to post stuff to each other, right? Well, yeh. It was cool to begin with but it’s kinda started to wear off. The novelty I mean. We Skype every day so what’s Facebook? That was his original argument and I contested it and now I hate to say I agree with him! Oh well. Anyone want to help me by making Facebook more interesting? Befriend me?

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At least I badgered him into posting up a nice recent photo of himself. Wtf is his problem with his face? It’s THE most gorgeous face ON the Earth’s surface! What do you guys reck?

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I caught him by surprise the day he left after half term. We were standing near the trees and the sun was peeking through the bare branches, illuminating him a bit. I had to lighten it a bit but it’s a good representation of Mr Chapman my lover!

I am pissed off this weekend (being positive has already become tedious!) because all his housemates are away and he’s there all on his own. We could set that place alight all alone this weekend! I’m glad Annabitch has gone. Apparently she is going through some counselling and has been cutting her arms. I feel bad for her (I suppose although not a LOT) cos her parents don’t give a shit, she’s only got this man-friend to fall back on (well, apart from Lee and she does that ALL the time) who beats up on her a lot. lee refuses to have him in their house so she goes off every so often to see him. Lee’s not happy about it and I know he loses sleep over her, but what can he do? He’s got his own family crap going on,even though his dad has started sending some money to his mum and Lisa, at last. Tool.

He’s going to be even busier soon cos he’s starting an Art Therapy course alongside his Fine Art degree. He wants to work with kids eventually which is cool I guess. I wouldn’t do that though, when I get my degree in Art I want to use it for something else like design. More money! lee isn’t like me in that. He reckons that money isn’t everything and we should use our talents to help other people. Ok,yeh. But I want to help myself have a good life as well!

Yep, I’m a selfish bitch! (That’s why me and Lee are great together. He’s the humanitarian and I’m the money grabber. We will be able to do great things hahaha! )

Dimitris is like me in that way. I’ve mentioned before how he and I are similar and we get on because of that, but sometimes hate each other as well! We went a week without Skyping or calling each other over half term because of one little comment I made and he took it all wrong. He is fiery and a bit judgemental like me (apparently, according to lee, very judgemental), and once he gets pissed off he can’t get through that feeling easily and so will retreat. I do the same and it drives Lee crazy as he just wants to talk everything out. I can’t and he gets pissed. I need time to heal Casey and then I come back and I can take the critique better. What’s up with that? Thing is lee takes offence, being hyper sensitive, and takes it all personally, whereas when me and Dimitri fight, we come back a few days later and laugh about it. Most of the time.

Yeh, so what about him? Well. He’s currently single AGAIN. He keeps saying that every time he gets with a new girl, he’s fine for a few weeks then he starts comparing her to me and subsequently dumps her. What can I say? I keep telling him how I feel, and it’s the truth. If I wasn’t with lee I would’ve been on the first train to Manchester months ago. We flirt a little, but I try not to let it go too far. he’s very gorgeous and attractive. We get on really well because we are so similar, but I am in love with Lee. Sometimes I DO think I might be in love with both of them, but I don’t think that’s possible.

Is it?

College is still SHIT. I refuse to discuss it on this Blog because it already permeates too much of my time as it is. I always have a rant about it to Lee anyway so no more about the boredom and doom that IS my crushingly dull 6th Form. Yuuk.

Musically I listen to my favourites on a regular basis, namely when I fall asleep; Nirvana, Paramore, Panic! At the disco, Pearl jam/Eddie vedder.

Other much-listened to-lately are Flyleaf, Slint, Yellowcard and Sick puppies. Here’s a particularly fucking awesome video and track I love:

and on finding this I have also found some full albums such as these: I have just discovered Hurt. Fucking screaming.

Anyways I digress!

Talking of Youtube, I have been watching some awesome Vlogs and stuff by a girl called Sarah Hawkinson, who has her own Youtube Channel. I like her game cos she’s a vegetarian, she loves Rock/Metal music, horror films and also has a pretty cool style. At the moment she’s got a particularly fetching shade of purple hair. Check her out here:

Lee is off to work now. 6 weeks til I see him at Christmas, although he MIGHT get back here sooner if he doesn’t need to work. Same old as far as the finances go cos he needs money now for this Art Therapy Module….. 

Oh yeh the gossip about Lisa and Joel! We had a great time and it ends up that those two are now an item but Lee’s Mum DOESNT know about it. Lisa thinks that she’ll freak, but Lee is all about the honesty again (oh man give it a break!) and keeps getting at Lisa to tell her. Saying that though, she has been on the phone to me most evenings going on about it in that she’s never gonna see him. Welcome to my World!!!! I do actually quite like her, but I feel a bit dubious about her newly found good style of being mildly goth and starting to listen to decent tunes. I know..I KNOW I shouldn’t judge and be shallow about appearances, but you can’t go from dancing around your living room to Lady Gaga and Britney ‘Speared’ to suddenly listening to Metallica! Morally WRONG! I will see…we talk a lot lately so I am giving her a chance. Lee would be stoked up if we got to be genuine friends. 

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I’m off to get food. Maybe back later but have got MOUNDS of work to get through later……………..oh and I MUST post those ghost pics I took with my Aunt! 

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oh my days

October 13, 2013

Ok so Dad decided to NOT pay for the internet connection AGAIN. Excuse me but whatever we fight and scream at each other about, surely he has to realise that HE dragged me here to live in this wilderness of doom, with like 3 buses going out to town per day ONLY and NO buddies to hang out with because he won’t let me learn to drive…because I won’t work for him at the surgery….because Mum has laid down all these new rules and regs about what I have to do to earn my independence and I haven’t got time to do everything………..

Can you see how all this shit is woven into multi layers of crap?

So. If I AGREE to work at the surgery, Dad will pay for driving lessons and buy me a second hand car when I’ve passed my test. All well and GOOD but….

He wants me to work there 8:30am to 12:30 on Saturdays. Then I will go home and have lunch before Mum drives me to town to go to ASDAs because I have to buy my own food to cook nowadays. Fine, but as I explained in previous rant, Mum likes to spend about 3 hours roaming around ASDAs looking for ‘bargains’ whereas I plan ahead and just go chuck, chuck,chuck and to the cashier. I am always stood there in the entrance waiting for her like a complete dork. She always manages to meet people and have gossip time which adds at least another 40 minutes to the proceedings and my dork time.

So we’re talking like …getting back at 3:30-4pm. Then it’s time for me to do my chores like cleaning my room (pfff) and doing laundry. She seems to have a tally system and knows when I last washed my bedding and underwear cos she’s always on my case about it. Then I cook my dinner,eat and go straight upstairs quick to skype with Lee face before he goes to work. GREEEEAAAAAT saturday!

So that leaves me Sunday to do all my college work and indulge my hobbies. NOT ENOUGH TIME.

To be honest I don’t get up on a Saturday morning much before 12 so theoretically I COULD go and work but…I AM EXHAUSTED!!! I need that lye in…

What can I do? Circle of doom!

I try to do all my college crap during the week but Lee doesn’t work at the bar week nights so we end up skyping most of the evening. When else could I talk to him?????? It’s bad enough already that I never see him,let alone having to ration my skyping.

My dad doesn’t know but I figured out how to get wi-fi from my phone so I connected it to my laptop. Ha! I bet he doesn’t know he can do that…he uses internet for his medical research and keeps making sure I know that he is suffering from my self absorbed attitude as well as me. But now I’m not.

Yeh so nothing really changes in the land of Casey. I have rationalised my terrible jealous streak aimed at Annabitch and all the other female enemies living in Lee’s halls with him. Well, I think I have. She hasn’t done anything to majorly piss me off lately, unless Lee is deliberately not talking about her cos he knows I will kick off.

Oh yeh. Lee’s friend Chloe wants to skype with me. Lee told her about my haunted bathroom and she is also into paranormal stuff and claims to be able to do rituals that allow spirits to ‘cross over’ to the spirit realm and find peace. lee doesn’t really believe her but I will be talking to her when she gets a lap top. She’s also a Fine Art student and her Mum is French (useless fact!) so she might be an interesting person to get to know. You know what I’m like though….I don’t usually take to girls as mates, only if they are not too ‘girlie’ and have a brain.

We shall see….

Sorry for the boring post, but NOTHING exciting ever happens! It’s half term soon though so MAYBE I’ll be graced with a certain sexy man’s presence……..

Favourite song at the moment:

And when is AMERICAN HORROR STORY COVEN coming to UK?

Brain Fever, Heart Burn

February 17, 2013

Lee want to a party with Annabelle last night. WHY DOES THIS WIND ME THE FUCK UP SO MUCH?

We talked for about an hour before he went out and he texted me at about 2:30am to see if I was awake. I wasn’t, FOR ONCE, but  again at 4am he texted me and I was….so we talked. Good news! The girl, Eva, who works in a Gallery in London, told him at the party that she will be staying at the Halls anyway so she can do the rounds at night and in the morning for the whole week if needs  be. YAY! So now, Lee has to have a word with the Landlord and get them to talk on the phone and for him to agree that he trusts Eva. He is doing that AS WE SPEAK. Pleeeeeeeeeeeease let it be ok!

Then he has to persuade his M&D that he needs to come back and for either his Dad or Mum to get time off work to go down and get him…or for his parents to fork out for the train. That’s going to be the difficulty. I can’t see his parents being happy about sending him £125 for the train if it’s only to be here for a few days. More likely his Dad will go and get him. In that case he has to take a day off work…that might not be until Wednesday or Thursday. Then we have to think of project stuff to collect so we make the whole thing genuine. Although apparently Annabelle thought my idea was really good and said she might put it forward as a real branch of the Community Arts thing!

FF sake I am going mad here! Mum keeps asking me what’s wrong and of course I can’t tell her! Kate has gone to France with her M&D for the whole week and Stella is with her ‘Pooch’ as she calls him.

…………………………………………………. argh!

So what else has been going on. I did some research about Paranormal Investigating, but found out nothing I don’t already know. I want to get a dictaphone first to record any voices, or the correct name, EVPs, in my room. A few times lately, I have been awake during the night and heard that girl’s voice in my ear. ‘Mum, is that you?’ and then there has always been a shadow  near the door that moves across towards the bathroom. Weirdly, I usually have my earphones in as well, so how the heck?

Yeh, so this half term is all up in the air at the moment. My Dad asked me if I’d like to go to Greece, but it means him taking time off from the surgery when there’s a lot of lurgie going around. He has been really busy with house calls. Besides, if I went there for a week, which would be frickin awesome btw, I wouldn’t get to see my boy. End of! There seems to be a chance, so Thessaloniki can wait…

Apart from Coursework and seeing Lee, I have started to plan my new spring wardrobe of hand made stuff. I am making patterns for tops like these:

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They should be fairly easy. The first one is a normal top like a tshirt but with added lengths at the bottom. I have cut out around an existing tshirt and now I am attaching the long bits at the sides, gluing them like tabs so that I can just cut out 2 x sides as if it’s a complete piece.

The other one is just like a normal top again, but I am going to do some sketch ideas along the lines of owls, skeletons, butterflies etc and making card versions so I can lay them on the fabric and cut round them like a stencil.

It’s 3:55. Lee and me are skyping at 4 so I better wrap this up! Fingers crossed this works out else I’ll be as arsey as arse this half term………

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I broke up from college yesterday for half term. Lee did as well. I got home from college early yesterday because quite frankly I couldn’t concentrate on classes and I was highly pissed and irritated by everyone, including Kate who was trying to help me think of ways around the problem. I lay on my bed, my messy, dirty sheets cos I didn’t sleep at all last night and kept pulling things around. I started getting weird heart-burny feelings like anxiety so I called Lee to see if by some incredible miracle, he had been able to think of a plan to come here instead of staying in London for the week.

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My sketchbook today

You see, the condition that Lee’s parents managed to get him a room in Halls, is that he has to stay there during half terms and some of the summer holidays to kind of guard the building while the rest of the students leave. His Halls are in a massive Victorian Terrace which has, I think, 12 rooms en suit and 2 huge kitchens and bathrooms. His Dad found it through a friend of his and because this friend owns it and wants to be off on holidays whenever he can, said that Lee wouldn’t have to pay as much per month if he stayed back to keep an eye on the building while he’s not there. Lee’s M&D have had a lot of financial crap over the last 5 years and didn’t know whether they could get Lee through Uni. Anyways, Lee has been trying to get someone else to stay back for half, if not all of the week. The guy agreed that as long as someone did then Lee could come back. I have been waiting on tenterhooks for about two weeks about this crap.

That’s only stage one of the problem. The second stage is that Lee will have to give his M&D a pretty good reason why he is here. Clearly, we are not supposed to be more than friends so why would he opt to come all this way back, spending over £100 quid on train fare (that his Dad will have to give him) when as far as they are concerned, he is happier socialising in London and getting on with his art projects which he has got to continue with despite it being half term?

So yes. Hey fucking ho. Lee told me last night that he might have found a girl who will stay back instead of him. She has got a job in a Gallery and sometimes doesn’t want to go home at half terms anyway. (Then I start to think…how many girls live in his house? Are they all like Annabelle? Tall, strikingly arty and uber-talented?)

So we had a long convo last night and then he called me back at about 3am after sending me  a text saying how much he missed me.

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I was like…..yeh me too and told him that I couldn’t fucking sleep. AGAIN. We have been trying to come up with the reason why he would need to come back here. It has to be something to do with his project because his M&D will go for that….they support him 200% and anything he needs for college they rally around and make happen. We came up with a great idea. He is organising and part managing (with frickin Annabelle) a community project with some inner city children in a care home. They are doing a collage/mural about living in a city and the challenges they face but they need a contrasting module so I suggested a sculpture about rural life. He reckons that would be enough to constitute his coming back, even for a few days, to ‘gather research’. (Yeh ok! Pffff. He can research me any day of the week!)

He genuinely has to do some work on the project, but surprisingly Annabelle has said she will take over while he’s gone. That’s a smack in the gob, I thought she would have kicked off and demanded he stayed with her, like she did when she came here at New Year.

I am waiting! I spent all day today doing college work. I want to get as much done as possible in case he does come. At Christmas me, the great procrastinator, left it all til Lee had gone and had one day to do it. And as I should have known, I couldn’t do it cos I couldn’t drag my battered self out of bed I was so distraught.

I have texted him but he hasn’t answered yet. The only time he doesn’t answer immediately is when he’s in a lecture or asleep, OR if something important is cracking off. Let’s hope the latter.

 

I am physically and emotionally dying to see him again………

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zzz

oach! My frickin heart…..:(

uuuu

 

New Year’s Eve 2012

December 31, 2012

So Lee has just been round. He asked me to go to his house tonight as his parents are spending it with friends and him and his sister, Lisa are having a party with a few of his old school mates and some of Lisa’s friends. I would have preferred to have Lee to myself tonight, but what can I do? There are no decent places to go out around here so us teens must stick together I guess. Stella wanted me to go to Rechford but I don’t want to. She doesn’t want to come here which I think is a bit shit as I haven’t seen her for ages. Kate and I haven’t really spoken much since I was ill before Christmas and I’m a bit pissed off with her to be honest. Lee is only here for a while and soon Annabelle will turn up. I want to make the most of the time I’ve got with him before I sink down into the pit of misery that is my life without him. (I was trying to be positive and upbeat today but fuck it. It’s too tiring!)

So party it is. At least Lee’s M&D don’t mind him having alcohol. That’s another (of a gazillion) reasons why having a sensible 19 year old (almost boy) friend is a good idea! My parents don’t let me drink (even though I do, see previous posts!) because once I had some wine at one of Mum’s dinner parties and I threw up under the table. And made an ass of myself in front of their friends. Quelle supriiiiiiiiiiiise!

Anyways, he asked me if I was ok and gave me another amazing hug. (Fuckkkkkkk me I want more!) I didn’t finish the previous post about what happened after our walk. Basically, we walked back to my house and sat at the kitchen table drinking hot choco. I was gutted but at the same time quite excited as I knew how he felt and I had fucking KISSED him! So the conversation was about a lot of things. I tried to be ok with it cos I know he’s in a difficult situ with my strict as shit parents and the fact that his know mine and all that. These were the points we discussed: (The nearest I can remember as the actual words):

1. He said: Your parents are worried sick and may ground you or stop us seeing each other if we mess up even once. (ie if they catch us kissing etc). I said: We can be extra careful. He said: So what’s the difference in our relationship as friends and as a couple? Only now we don’t have a physical thing going. We can wait for that. I said: Nothing. (fuckshit)

2. He said: I’m at Uni and you’re here. A long distance relationship will be hard on both of us. I said: I DON’T CARE! I would rather sit at home knowing we are a couple and miss you as a boyfriend than sit at home and miss you as a friend. He said: Ok, I get your point, but you know how I feel about you. I said: So why not just admit we are a couple? He said: Maybe….(and went really quiet)

3. He said: I don’t want our friendship to suffer. Would we be able to maintain our closeness as friends if we broke up? He told me about a friend of his who had started seeing a good friend of his and it all went wrong and now they don’t speak at all! I said: I think we would. We are both quite mature (me? pffff ok!) and you are my best friend and always will be. But now it’s like we’ve crossed the line anyway. He said: Yes we have in a way. Oh for fuck’s sake this is so hard! (Yes, Lee. It’s killing me.)

4. He said: I’m scared of getting hurt and/or hurting you. I said: But it hurts right now, doesn’t it? (He was nodding). He then said: I think that if we stay friends for now, that it’s safer. Being in love is so complicated. You are only 17. I worry about that. I said: I can look  out for myself. I trust you to be honest with me, that’s all I can ask of you and you of me. I want a chance for us, that’s all.

I was trembling and wished I had a glass of red wine in my hand.

Then THEY came back. Discussion over. He just said, before Mum started going on about some village gossip, that we should think carefully and give it some time before we decide one way or another. He smiled at me so warmly I wanted to just grab him across the table. That kiss…..oh my that kiss!

See? What a fucking fuck up! What do I do? Leave it or keep trying to push my reasoning? Casey always tries to get her own way. Maybe it should be one of my N Y resolutions, to stop trying to manipulate everyone to my way of thinking. I can’t help it though! I don’t know how I’m going to cope now, knowing Lee feels this way about me. I mean, WHEN does he think we can be together then? When I leave for Uni? That’s another year or more yet! No way……….no no no no. I will die.

Well. Tonight will be interesting. I intend to drink. A lot. Will I be able to keep my hands off that person who I love? I doubt it. He is stronger than I am, that’s for sure. Oh holy crap. I wonder who else will be there? Lisa’s friends. Maybe me and Lee can just go off to another room and have our own party. Thing is his old buds will be there as well. Oh joy.

Happy Fucking New Year! 😦

This is all I want for 2013

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http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Believe-In-Love/2827710