That Groundhog day feeling  is still gripping me. Here’s my life:

Lee

A few weeks ago I was miserable because I wanted Lee and I missed him. Now I am miserable because he’s my boy and I can’t touch him or make plans with him. At least he is borrowing his mate’s laptop so he can Skype with me now. We do it every night at about 10pm. The first night we did it I was totally transfixed to the screen. I couldn’t switch it off. Laugh if you like, but we left it on all night and slept. I woke up and all I could see on the screen was Lee’s hair and his arm. We had the laptops on our beds and had fallen asleep. I probably looked hideous, good job I woke up first! I am a little bit concerned about Annabelle. He has told me at least 3 times that there’s nothing going on but sorry I am miles and miles away, stuck in my attic, thinking. I saw her and how she was with him that day she came round here. Her body language sang out ‘Lee’s mine’. I am not being paranoid here. Men are so friggin stupid when it comes to the female race, they never think that certain behaviour might be a clever ploy to win them over. If I said to Lee that Annabelle wanted him he would laugh at me. I know she does and the ‘man troubles sob story’ she’s giving him doesn’t wash in my machine! I get so pissed off. Just the thought of him and her makes me raaaaaaaaaaaaage! He genuinely has fallen for me though. I can tell in his voice, the way he speaks to me, the way he stares at me on Skype. I can’t believe we didn’t get to kiss each other goodbye. That’s what he warned me about. I have to keep thinking, as much as I miss the ass off him, it’s better than just pretending to be friends. I just don’t see a future. I want him in it, but I can’t figure out how that’s going to work.

Day to day routine

My days consist of waking up very very early to walk Chester. It has been hideous the last few mornings. Windy and dark. Chester cheers me up though when his tail starts wagging. He’s always smiling!

I then text Lee his good morning message, have a shower and gussy up. I like listening to Paramore in the mornings. It gets me moving. I do the last bits and pieces of my college work needed for that day and sort out my bag. Text Lee some more. Then I take all my stuff down and join M&D for brekky. There’s always some kind of jibe about my hair or my clothes and sometimes a  massive argument. Trouble is, the more they tell me not to do something or wear something, the more I do….

Dad then drops me off at the bus stop and I meet Kate on it. She’s really my only mate here now. The only person who I can talk to. It takes us about half an hour to get to college and we grab a coffee in the canteen and chat until our form session starts. I hate form session cos Kate’s not in it and the others are basically morons. When we have debates and discussions they come out with the dumbest crap you could ever imagine. Really? You are all 17? What, 17 months maybe yes.

Then the rest of the day is about lessons. I LOVE Art lessons but I’m not feeling the Theatre Studies much. I was led to believe that it would involve more set design and costume design but it’s not so far. Also my English Lit course is doing my head in. We studied one decent book, that was a Thomas Hardy one, and the rest have been dull as shit on a stick. It’s difficult doing all this work. I have started doing even more in the evenings now as well to take my mind off Lee so imagine how the average Jo Blogs student must be handling it.

I plod on.

Paranormal Stuff

I haven’t written about this very much. I think it’s cos I’m scared that if I open myself up to it, it will become bigger and manifest itself more and more. I’m not frightened. In fact it fascinates me. It’s just that it’s a big deal at the moment and I can’t cope with it, the effort of trying to figure out what’s going on. I have seen three apparitions in my attic area. Two in the bathroom and one in front of the door. Now I have started hearing voices. Two nights ago I woke up to the sound of someone saying ‘Mum, mum, is that you?’  in my ear. I thought i must have dreamt it and I laid there just trying to recall my dream. I dream a lot. But I realised it wasn’t connected in any way to the dream I was having. My dad taking me up in a hot air balloon shaped like a garden shed over Tibet? No. Not connected! In the bathroom, where the presence is always strong, that morning I swear when I looked in the mirror it wasn’t my face. Similar, that’s why I didn’t catch on straight away, but not my face. What the heck?

Music

Of course Paramore! But I’ve been listening to the Levellers new album, ‘Static on the Airwaves.’ It’s pretty good. I love the fiddle combined with rock and their distinct irish folk flavour that kicks ass. They kick ass.

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I suddenly realised that I didn’t post about what happened with Annabelle.

Well, to cut a long story short, I didn’t get to spend any decent time with Lee on his own after the embrace that Mum walked in on. Can you fucking believe it, after all that time during Christmas hols!! Annabelle arrived and Stella stayed to give me moral support so it was back to being ‘friends’ again and pretending after almost being unable to convince my mum again that there was nothing going on…except that of course Stella knew everything.……

So after that day when Annabelle arrived, Lee was texting me like EVERY hour to ask how I was and when I could come round. I really had this fear inside me of meeting her. I had this image of a tall, strikingly beautiful and stylishly alternative girl that I would never be able to compete with…and once I saw her I would suffer forever when Lee was in London with her. So I put off going there. I made some lame excuse about Stella needing me and although I hated it with a passion as I was desperate to see him again, I managed to stay away.

Then two days after, they came round.

Oh God. Mum called me downstairs and there they were. And she was EXACTLY how I imagined she would be. Dressed in all black with this amazing blue mop of dread locked hair. Tall, so very tall. And sophisticated in a grungy way.

We stared at each other for what seemed like ages. They seemed to fit together somehow like they were held in photo time lapse by a invisible camera. Lee said Hi and snapped me out of my weird state of abstract contemplation. Annabelle smiled but her eyes didn’t. You know what I mean? Was it my imagination or did she ease herself a little closer to Lee? Their arms were so close it looked like they were siamese twins. Joined. I knew I was staring at strange places but my brain couldn’t take it all in. I couldn’t look her in the eyes. Striking goth eyes.

I felt like a small rabbit caught in some very threatening car headlights. I tried to look at them, Lee shifted onto his other leg and cleared his throat. Then she started moving towards me and I saw her jingly bangled arm stretch out, her fingers full of thick rings that seemed way too heavy for those delicate fingers. I mentally shook myself and looked her in the eye, shook her hand and said ‘Nice to meet you Annabelle.’ Then it was her who couldn’t look me in the eye. Fake.

She shook hands with Stella then and I smelt a strange waft of a dark perfume and heard that jangle of bracelets as she moved back towards Lee. Stella broke the ice by suggesting we go into the living room and she kind of guided Annabelle through, leaving me and Lee behind them. I immediately felt his slightly cold hand grab mine and squeeze, My heart jumped. Then I felt Lee pulling me back into the kitchen and I turned to see him grinning at me like a loony. Mum wasn’t in there thank god because he grabbed me round the waist and hugged me, whispering in my ear that he had missed me like crazy. Then we kissed. Ohhhhhhhhhhh maaaaaaaaaaaaaaan.

I had to stop it because I was vaguely away that Annabelle and Stella were in the living room on their own. I admit I didn’t really give a shit, but it was a bit rude even for me! He held me for a few amazing seconds more and said that he didn’t know if we would get another chance to do this before he left so he wanted to make the most of it. I would have happily stayed there all night.

We walked in to the living room and Stella and Annabelle were chatting away as if they had known each other for years. That’s Stella for you. I don’t know how she does it with people. I guess she didn’t feel as fucking nervous and edgy around her as I did. She didn’t have much to lose. We sat down together on the two seater and Lee tried to twirl his fingers around mine but I was too conscious of whether Mum was around or not. Jesus, imagine that, her walking in on our little hand wrestling match! It was dodgy enough us sitting so cosy on the sofa together….

The rest of the hour or so was ok. I didn’t really talk directly to Annabelle, just to Lee and Stella. My boy and best bud seemed to get on so I was pleased with that. At one point, lee got up to go to the loo and Mum appeared in the doorway offering tea or coffee. How lucky was that. Fuck.. it was then that Annabelle did actually ask me a question. Whether me and Lee were actually together. Didn’t he TELL her? I just smiled and said yes. She smiled back, but I sensed something. She didn’t seem happy about it that’s one thing for sure. Stella, on the other hand, yelled out ‘Yay!’ and came over and threw herself at me, nearly head butting me! Then lee came back and Annabelle said she thought they should be heading back. What…at 9:30? Lee looked at me and tried to show me his apologetic face, but I wasn’t looking. Gutted. She stood up and jangled a lot. The perfume wafted again and I felt a bit sick.

Stella glanced at me and shrugged so we stood up and walked back into the kitchen towards the back door. They said goodbye to Mum and Dad who were drinking tea in there and we stood out in the yard. I wanted Lee for another hug and just wanted Annabelle to fuck off and let us be. Stella ushered her forward and said something I didn’t hear. Lee grabbed my hand again and said he would try and see me before they went back. We managed a little kiss but there wasn’t chance and it was too near the kitchen window. He said he would call and text when he was in bed (grrrrrrrrrrrumf!) and winked before turning away and walking towards the others. Annabelle said Goodbye and that it was nice to meet me and they walked off. Down the path and disappeared through the gate into the darkness. Stella just said fuck me and put her arm round me, dragging me back indoors. She helped herself to a cuppa and sat down with M&D. i didn’t want her to do that, I just wanted to go upstairs and sit and analyse what had just happened and what she thought Annabelle’s game was. I was dying to ask her what she thought of her! But no, the cow sat there. Dad said ‘Lee’s girlfriend seems nice’ and I just almost fell on the floor. Stella nearly choked on her tea and had to pretend to laugh to hide it.

Silence. What the hell? I hadn’t expected him to think that, but really, why wouldn’t he?

Then Stella. Oh Fucks sake. She said ‘Yes, we like her too. She’s awesome.’

Noooooooooooooooooooooo!

Stella was grinning at me while trying to hide the fact from M&D that she was pissing herself laughing into her cup.

Later on upstairs, after I had bollocked her, she explained that it was good that they thought Annabelle was Lee’s girlfriend. I realised what she meant. It took the heat off me and lee. Of course!

Stella genuinely likes Annabelle. Yes, you read that correctly. I tried to explain that she seemed fake and that she never spoke to me except to ask if me and Lee were together. Stella, always the one who sees both sides of things reckons it’s because she felt threatened by me. I don’t think so. I think she wants Lee for herself and I am her competition. Why did she want to leave at chuffin 9:30? No. I love Stella’s diplomacy but she’s is wrong. Annabelle has got an agenda and that feeling is from my gut. I always trust my instinct about people.

Of course to lee, I said all nice things about Annabelle. Stella was right about one thing. The worse thing I could have done would be to slag her off to lee. I don’t want to be the bitch here. I will go along with it for Lee, but she is being watched. Very closely.

 

 

Life is strange..

January 22, 2013

It’s really weird how, when you are talking to someone about a random subject, you realise how different people actually are and how diverse their takes on life can be.

I was talking to Kate at college today about my life. I don’t usually do this as I find it hard to verbalise about my personal stuff, (and I don’t give a monkey’s fart about what other people think and I don’t seek approval) but I went out on a limb because I needed to kind of see myself through someone else’s eyes.

I was trying to see what she really thought of my lifestyle as I posted yesterday. I am not like most 17 year old girls. Yes, I like boys, I like clothes, I like make up and I love music but…not the same kind that others seem to. That’s ok. But what about the other stuff like wanting to go out all the time and socialise? What about the need to gas and gossip endlessly about everything? Posting what you had for breakfast on Facebook? Analysing every word that someone said in order to see a cause for a bitch fight? Talking for two hours about what it meant that some guy GLANCED at me? Trying to look slimmer/prettier/more popular than everyone else? These are the things I see all around me and that I can’t muster up any excitement for.

Kate surprised me .

The first thing she said was that I was speaking as though my life was lacking something. I said well it is!

Look at it.

I live in a village No, I can’t even call it that. It’s a  hamlet..it has like, three houses; one of them is my M&D’s and the other is Lee’s. The other is about 15 minutes walk away. Come on. In the summer we moved because Dad wanted to. We were perfectly happy in the city, I had loads of friends, I went out every night and life was fun. The only person who wanted to move was him and he didn’t even bother to ask me what I wanted. I was so fucked up about it this summer that I literally wanted to kill them. I met Lee and that all changed, but REALLY what kind of life is this for a 17 year old? I’m also an only child with no siblings to hang out with. Don’t get me wrong I LOVE the area now with it’s beautiful thick woodland and peace and quiet. I have fallen in love with Nature since I moved here….but I digress. I should be out and about, partying, meeting people, getting off with lots of different boys….finding myself, forming an identity.

Kate said I have already done that without the help of anyone else. She’s jealous of me. Of me? What now?

She says that she wishes she could be happy with what she has got instead of being unhappy cos of all the stuff she hasn’t got. Ok, I get that..the only thing I am missing out on is being with Lee. (That’s major though but I don’t let on too much.) I don’t sit upstairs dreaming about owning or having anything really. I am pretty happy with having Chester (my dog) and Lee and my one or two good mates that I still talk to. To be brutally honest, people get on my fucking nerves most of the time anyway!

She then said that I may not talk much but I exude an air of quiet wisdom! Hahahaha. I had to laugh because I don’t see myself as mature or wise. I say stupid things without thinking, I can’t be patient when I want something, I get pissy when I don’t get my way from M&D, what else…I judge people by how they dress (like I did in the summer) and their appearance..I can’t help it despite nearly losing Lee over it. I am not mature! I am a rebel who doesn’t care what other people think or feel at times.

Then she said I have got guts. Paah! Ok then. Now this is hilarious. I stand up against the rest because I don’t want to be a sheep and that takes courage. Does it? I think it’s essential and have never thought of it as being brave. I don’t shop on the High Street because of exploitation and sweat shops. I wear charity shop clothes and stuff made out of other clothes. Ok..but it’s not difficult to open your eyes and see that in our society, million dollar corperations are making this money out of lies and corrupt greed. I am not a genius.

I don’t go to McDonald’s. No the hell I don’t! Everyone else does. So what? I am a vegetarian and I appreciate how important our planet is. McDonald is a piece of shit that needs to go to hell and burn for his crimes against animals and the environment. How hard is it to say no I am not going to McDonald’s and eat a veggie burger instead? Better for your health as well.

I guess that when we walk around 24/7 in our skins, we don’t comprehend how others see us, only how we see ourselves. It’s nice to know how others see you and to step out of your life that you think is maybe dull or useless, and look at it objectively. Thanks to my friend Kate for her honesty.

I should point out that she also said I was stuck up, cold, selfish, moody and judgemental. I didn’t get off that lightly! 

I think a good bud is someone who can also tell you the not so good stuff. How can we change for the better if we never get a true picture of ourselves? The Casey of a few months ago would probably have told her to fuck herself at that point..but yes, I must be making progress! I smiled (well, grimaced) and said thanks….

”Down with the moral majority”

”Marching out of time to my own beat now”

 

 

What is wrong with me?

January 21, 2013

Is it wrong that I prefer to spend time alone in my attic with my dog than go out partying and getting wasted?
Is it wrong that I do not have any desire to meet boys at college my own age; instead I sit at home craving a boy/man that lives 200 miles away and I never see?
Is it wrong that I do all my college work on time (mostly) and want to get an education instead of joining the dole queue?
I look around me at others my age. That’s what they talk about and that’s what they adhere to. No I won’t. I prefer to be alone.

There is a difference between being alone and lonely.

Purgatory

January 20, 2013

Another weekend on my own dreaming and contemplating the future.

I feel as though I’m trapped in the same Ground hog day over and over again.

Get up for college, go to college, come back, eat, do college work, listen to music, surf the net, talk to Lee, go to bed.

Is this it?

I hate January.

I may not even see Lee at February half term. He is skint. London drains him of all his allowance from his parents and they are not at all well off. How can he afford to travel back here? He keeps saying his Dad might fetch him but

we are not supposed to be boyfriend and girlfriend. Why, in that case, would he justify spending all that money on petrol?

Obviously I can’t go and spend the week with him staying in his Halls room. Can you imagine Mum and Dad’s reaction?

I could lie and say I am with Stella but then I don’t think Lee would agree with my lying. And where would I get the cash for the train or bus?

Fucks sake. Lee went on and on about how it would be hard for both of us if we went with our feelings. Long distance relationships are hard. There isn’t even a day to look forward to when I can defo say that I will see him. Summer holidays? Holy crap……

I really don’t usually listen to Avril Lavigne but I am loving this right now

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I’d need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I’m alone
And the bed where you lie is made up on your side
When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?
When you’re gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you’re gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you’re gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through
The day and make it okay
I miss you

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1. The internet.

We have only just got our connection back after a week! It went down on Sunday and Dad wasn’t ready to phone up BT anytime soon. I was so pissed off. They don’t really use it, it was bought for me really and so they don’t think it’s a priority. I tried to tell them that I need it. I DO! I love Youtube, I love my Blog for ranting and sobbing on and I love surfing for alternative lifestyle info and creative ideas. And what a time to go down! When I wanted to shout it out to the world. LEE IS MY BOYFRIEND!!!!! 🙂

2. My parents at being Human Beings. I really thought we had improved on our relationship since all that stuff over summer but NO. They are becoming more and more like freedom nazis and stricter and stricter. I will soon have to inform them when I want to take a shit.

3. Playing in cool with Lee. Oh this is just precious! (Did I mention that he is now my BOYFRIEND?!!)

4. Getting Christmas project work in on time. But I don’t give a flying frick.

Back to Lee.

Yes, so Lee has GONE back to London. BUT……………He is my boyfriend! Yes, you read it. B.O.Y.F.R.I.E.N.D!!!

BOYFRIEND!!!! 

Perhaps I didn’t mention that!??

Ssshhh because NO ONE knows. If my M&D or HIS find out we are friggin in the shit right up to our necks.

This poses a few (million) problems, as Lee explained to me, but I really didn’t and still don’t give a shit. We are together and I couldn’t be happier! (Well except if we were actually together………)

So, back to the story. Mum walked in on our ’embrace’ and the fact that I launched myself at him and had him pinned him to the door frame kinda looked suspicious. We jumped apart but the damage was done as it was written all over our faces. Well, he was beaming and as red as a beetroot so I guess I was as well. My mum stood there for what seemed like ages and then just said. ‘Casey, go upstairs. Lee, I think you should be going now.’

He smiled the most beautiful smile and I just melted. I heard Mum tell me again to go upstairs and I went. Like a zombie. A few minutes later she appeared and sat on my bed. I was sitting at my art desk with my back to her, trying not to say something bitchy. She then asked me to tell her what was going on between me and Lee. I calmly said nothing…which was true at that point. (I managed to make it seem that way in my head as we hadn’t done anything. Well, not since New Year.) She got really mad then. She went on about how he was a MAN and I was only 17…I tried to talk over her calmly and say it was only 2 years difference but she was just going for it. I let her. I stayed with my back to her and tried to shut it all out. I didn’t want to provoke it and make her ground me or stop us from seeing each other, but I also couldn’t stand to hear her condescending me and treating me like a child. So I just said:

‘There’s nothing going on between Lee and me.’

And pretended to draw. It seemed like hours until she got up, said ‘Ok then. But if I ever find out you’re lying to me there will be serious repercussions,’ and left the room.

Poor Stella had been hiding in the bathroom and came out, grinning like a dork. I was really glad she was there.

I called Lee. I told him what had happened. That was when he said that we had no choice but to keep it all secret. Then he said that Annabelle had arrived and everything kind of went flat. The adrenalin I had been experiencing turned from a pleasant electrical fuzz called excitement to a dull pumping of jealousy. I asked him when we could see each other and he said that he had to spend the day with Annabelle, she needed to talk, and then he would see if she was up to meeting me. Was I up to meeting her though? Nope. I just wanted him all to myself after all this, we were finally moving on, yet SHE had got between us. I really didn’t want to see her that day, or the day after that either for that matter.

But then I didn’t want her to be with Lee, my Lee, in his house….I wanted to somehow put my mark on it, mark my territory if you like, a bit like cats do. Yeh, I’m a cat. And I can scratch……….

What happened between Annabelle and me? I will write about that next time. Right now I have to get some College work done. And stop fantasising about Lee…and Annabelle with Lee……..Lee, Lee, Lee……

My Lee! 🙂

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and it’s snowing!

snow

So, Lee has gone back to London.

I feel empty. I feel hollow. But I also feel weirdly alive like I’ve got electricity coursing through my veins.

I haven’t written for days because I wanted to make the most of Lee. Sometimes it felt like it would never end and he would never go, but then, alone at night up here in my attic room, I have never felt so alone. Especially thinking about him and Annabelle in his house, under the same roof.

So let’s go back to the day after the kiss in Lisa’s room.

I woke up obviously with a raging hangover from mixing wine and beer and not downing a pint of water before I fell asleep. Mum said she had tried to wake me up since 10am but had given up, just being glad that I was home safely and Lee hadn’t stayed again. Lee came round. I just managed to drag myself to the bathroom, wash all my make up off and apply some light mascara as well as clean my rank smelling teeth. Ewww. He looked a bit ill himself but told me that he hadn’t been drunk, but had been awake most of the night worrying about our situation, mulling over the kiss in his mind over and over again. His mates had all sussed what had happened in Lisa’s room and said that they had all sensed the vibe coming off me. (Only me?)

They had all spent the rest of the party trying to persuade Lee to follow me to my house, but he had tried to explain our situation and that if he had gone and been found in my room later by M&D we would have been banned from seeing each other probably forever. They had let up and got on with the party but he said he had felt really bad.

My head was throbbing all through this ‘conversation’ and I wanted to get something to eat and drink and go back to bed. I wanted him to just say that everything was gonna be ok and that we were together, he was mine and for me to at least feel like death walking for a good reason.

But it had gone all serious and seemed to regret the kiss. Personally I thought it was fucking delicious and longed to do it again despite my dog shit mouth. He was sitting on the other end of the kitchen table and seemed to be unable to look me in the eye. I had to ask. Did he regret what happened? He stared at the floor, shifted in the chair and shook his head. Thank fuck for small mercies!

He then stared right into my eyes for ages and said that he had to go and get a shower and clear his head. I wanted to bawl my eyes out,, it was fucked up and I felt so ill and alone. I asked him if we could do something later and he said he would call. I showed him out through the back door and he hugged me for ages but didn’t hang around long enough to kiss me. I felt like a part of me was dying.

He didn’t call til later on in the evening. I had slept a bit but cried mostly and my friggin eyes felt like pumped up car tires. He asked me if we could give it a miss that evening and promised he would feel better the next day and we should go out with Chester, get some fresh air and try and figure stuff out. That night was the longest of my life, but there was a spark inside me because at least he was suggesting that there was a solution.

So, January 2nd dawned. I woke up feeling ok but still tired out and weak. I spruced up as much as I could muster the energy to do and then got a phone call from Stella. She was crying and histerical, saying that she had split up with Matt on New Year’s Eve and could she come and stay with me. Her Mum was willing to bring her in the car. What could I say? I meanI know I can be a queen fucking bitch at times, but that wrath is reserved for fuckwits who deserve it. Stella doesn’t so I said yes.

The next phone call was to lee to tell him I wouldn’t be able to see him. Not that day or the next. I was gutted, so upset, but I owed Stella my support. He sounded genuinely flawed by my sudden need to be with Stella and deep inside I kinda thought maybe he would spend the next two days missing me a bit and hopefully come to his senses and realise we should be together. So that’s what happened. Stella came. Lee didn’t.

I couldn’t do much for her, as I knew I wouldn’t. She just needed a shoulder to cry on. I almost forgot that Annabelle was due to appear on the 4th January and Stella was still here then. Lee had been texting me and trying to call continuously over the two or three days, but I only picked up twice and answered his sms twice. I wanted to just ease up and Stella was the perfect distraction if I am honest. It gave me a break from my own pain. Is that selfish?

So on the morning of the 4th, Lee called me. It was about 11am and he asked me if I was ok, and how Stella was and then said that Annabelle was arriving at 12. He asked if he could come over and just see me for half an hour as he had missed me like crazy. Stella offered to go for a walk but I told her to stay in my room as Lee wasn’t allowed up there anyways. She met him in the kitchen and winked at me before disappearing up the stairs and winking at me. She approved but who wouldn’t!?

The first thing he asked me was if I had missed him. I said yes of course. I don’t see the point in playing games. He said that he had thought at first that I had been avoiding him and maybe decided he was too much hassle. He hadn’t slept hardly again. I told the truth and said that Stella coming had been a welcome distraction because he was hurting me so badly and I was so tired of analysing each and every look, word and gesture. I suppose I sounded quite angry. I was though. He stood up and I thought he was going to head out the door, but he suddenly turned round and said:

‘I have decided….if you still want to….we should…just let our relationship go the way it wants…I should stop fighting it for the sake of your age, the distance and the fact that your parents are protective. It’s not right. I can’t see you as a friend any more. I think I am falling for you and I can’t do anything about it. So what do you think?’

That was when I found myself almost running to him. I flung myself at him, he thudded against the kitchen door frame and we both started laughing. I was also crying with happiness.

That was when Mum decided to walk in……………..

The rest could have two meanings….the rest as in all the bizarre stuff since that day or the fact that I have hardly been able to get out of bed since.

Yes, I drank waaaaaaaay too much.

So I got there (to Lee and Lisa’s party) a bit late. I had been divving around with my hair and stuff, as well as having sneaked nearly half a bottle of wine into my room and consumed it. Bad mistake! I staggered/walked to their’s and arrived about an hour after everyone else and Lee was like, where have you been I’ve been trying to call you. He had wanted to see me before they all came,  DAMN… I needed to talk to him and we would have had privacy with no parents around. But by then it was too late.

The living room was like a disco sauna and filled with people. I could tell immediately who Lisa’s mates were cos they were dressed in horrendously bright clothes. Is that the latest fashion? Blindingly horrific shades of greens and oranges? Bleuugh. Maybe it was the heat in there combined with my consumption of wine that made my eyes go squiffy.

So I plopped down in the nearest empty seat. Most people were dancing to some shitty chart music but there were some older guys sitting around on cushions laughing and drinking beer out of bottles. Lee came from in the hallway and as the lounge door opened I heard a lot of female laughter. Later on when I went to the loo I found out there were swarms of girls sitting on the stairs. Lee had been sitting with them, obviously. There were some boys there too so I hoped he had been with them.

Anyways, Lee came in and asked what I wanted to drink. I chose beer as he was drinking it. He said if I wanted I could go upstairs to his room as his crowd were mostly up there. Off I went. I was actually pleasantly surprised as it was quiet in his room with some rock music in the background instead of ‘Will I (fucking) am’, and masses of rainbow bodies flinging themselves around. He introduced me to everyone (this is my best bud Casey who I’ve told you all about. Best BUD?’) and there were some grungy looking girls there as well and my heart fell into my jeans. Until I saw that they all had male arms draped around their necks. Phewzies.

I tried to relax and it was ok at that point because I had had enough alcohol to sit and grin at everyone and answer their questions. Usually I just sit and stare at my boots in those situations, but I really wanted to be nice to Lee’s friends and they really seemed like cool people to hang out with. I was aware that Lee wasn’t around me much, but he kept asking if I was ok and handing me more beer so I didn’t complain. I got talking to a guy called Mark who I had seen somewhere before. We laughed about it for a while and eventually we worked it out. He had been working in the College Library for a while but had left recently. It was strange because at that point, Lee seemed to stick around me more….

I was pretty drunk by 11:00 and had got myself involved in a really hilarious game of Twister. Oh my God. It was soooooooo fucking childish but so funny. Lee got involved a few times but couldn’t do it for laughing so was sitting on the side lines watching us make dicks of ourselves. Some others had started dancing (well, head banging is more the description) and they had put Rage Against the Machine on and some Nirvana. I wobbled over to them and started swaying to it and Lee had to catch me a few times and I remember trying to get him to dance. This was the point that changed the hilarity.

Someone stopped the rock and put on some slushy mush that got all the couples up from their clenches on the floor and dancing like they were having vertical sex. I was like, what the fuckety fuck, and went to sit down, but Lee caught my arm. I thought he wanted to dance (by this point I was ready to jump on him and rip his clothes off btw, drunk that I really was) and I attempted to wrap my arms around his neck. (No, Casey…) I swear I heard some people snigger and Lee’s name mentioned, but you know when you’ve had that much to drink and you simply don’t give a monkey’s fuck? Yep, that was me.

He then had hold of my wrists and was trying to ease my arms down off his neck, but I remember snuggling into his chest and swaying and (I hate to say this) SINGING in his ear!

The next thing I knew I was being lead out of the door. The cool air hit me then and suddenly we were in another bedroom. I think it was Lisa’s as it seemed small (and that’s also how I felt). Lee was facing me in the dark and I thought he was going to yell his head off. Blood was pumping through my veins and my head was banging from the drink and the sudden change of atmosphere. He just said, really calmly: Casey what the fuck are you doing to me?

At that point I fell back, assuming there was a bed there. Thank fuck there was, else how messed up would I have looked? Lee sat next to me in the dark and I could hear my breathing really loudly. (Why does that happen when you’re pissed?) I muttered some kind of sorry and he then started laughing. What..I was like, make your mind up! Then he asked me if I was drunk. The poor naive guy didn’t know!!!

I said yes and he sounded amused, but asked if I was ok. Yes, Lee, apart from being desperately in traumatising and all-consuming love with you! I asked him what he had meant by ‘What the fuck are you doing to me’ and he said that he so wanted to dance with me like that but we were meant to be being careful. He said he was pretty drunk, but not that drunk to do something fucking stupid that he would regret. I was nearly crying (again? wtf?) and I said why regret something you want? By which he answered

‘If I had started kissing you in there I would never have stopped.’

Then we had a definite, unfuckingbelievable, oh my god moment.

Everyone started shouting Happy New Year.

We both started laughing and we leaned into each other and nearly banged heads. He stood up, laughing and said we should go and join in with the others. He grabbed my hand in the dark and pulled me. I ended up with my arms round him and he hugged me. The next thing I know,we are kissing. Not some half hearted peck for New Year. This was IT. It was indescribable. It seemed to go on forever, I was just enveloped in this cloud of warmth and fuzzy drunkeness and Lee’s hot lips. OH MY FUCKING GOD.

After what seemed like hours, he pulled away and said we should go. Everyone had gone from his room and there was screaming and shouting and very loud music (if you can call Jessie J music) coming from the living room. I was all wobbly on my feet and Lee held my hand and eased me down the stairs. We walked (well, I kinda swayed) into the lounge and a few of Lee’s mates looked at us and smiled, Lisa nudged her friend she was dancing with and winked at him. I was thinking, this is a dream, Casey. Don’t move, don’t even BREATH in case you wake up.

Lisa then grabbed me and pulled me into her dancing circle and said in my ear ‘I knew it! At last! Happy New Year Year.’ I smiled and wished it back to her, trying to look round and see where Lee had gone, but I couldn’t see him anywhere. I started panicking and stumbled into the kitchen. Lots of empties but no Lee. I saw the back door open and peered outside. Pitch black but lovely, crisp cold night air that promised to sober me up. So I went and sat out on the patio for a while on a plastic chair. Peace.

I sat out there for ages, going over what had happened with Lee in Lisa’s room. Had I imagined it? It got to the point where I couldn’t tell what the time was any more. I hadn’t got a watch on. I tried to listen out for the church clock striking but the noise from the living room drowned anything like normality out. Then I started to feel weird. Panicky. I had sobered up enough to not be able to  face going in amongst that din and drunkeness. My head was banging, I felt sick and I couldn’t face Lee. So I decided, just like that, to go home.

I trudged across the lawn and tried to find the gate at the bottom of the garden. It was so dark. I managed to grope around and find it and almost fell over on the path to my house. It seemed like an age before I reached my garden gate, but it was nice to see the security light come on and the back door beckon. M&D werent home so as quickly as I could I let myself in, almost crawled up the stairs to my attic, tried to throw up in the loo just to make myself feel better, and just fell back on the bed. The room started spinning at that point and my phone started ringing. Lee was calling me. I couldn’t answer it so I waited for it, BEGGED it to stop ringing and then quickly texted him before he could ring again. I was a mess. Happy, confused, bewildered and a mess. It’s times like that that I need to be on my own. The last thing I wanted to let Lee see after such a delicious kiss was me puking my guts up probably everywhere but in the toilet.

The last thing I remember was looking at my phone to see the message ‘Please come back’ from Lee with 3 kisses on the end and hearing my phone ring about 5 times. Then I woke up, probably an hour later and puked.

Woke up with a horrific hang over, fully clothed, on my bed, at midday. My phone woke me up. This time I had to answer it. Lee said he was coming over in half and hour…..

Part 2 coming soon 🙂