January 29, 2013
That Groundhog day feeling is still gripping me. Here’s my life:
A few weeks ago I was miserable because I wanted Lee and I missed him. Now I am miserable because he’s my boy and I can’t touch him or make plans with him. At least he is borrowing his mate’s laptop so he can Skype with me now. We do it every night at about 10pm. The first night we did it I was totally transfixed to the screen. I couldn’t switch it off. Laugh if you like, but we left it on all night and slept. I woke up and all I could see on the screen was Lee’s hair and his arm. We had the laptops on our beds and had fallen asleep. I probably looked hideous, good job I woke up first! I am a little bit concerned about Annabelle. He has told me at least 3 times that there’s nothing going on but sorry I am miles and miles away, stuck in my attic, thinking. I saw her and how she was with him that day she came round here. Her body language sang out ‘Lee’s mine’. I am not being paranoid here. Men are so friggin stupid when it comes to the female race, they never think that certain behaviour might be a clever ploy to win them over. If I said to Lee that Annabelle wanted him he would laugh at me. I know she does and the ‘man troubles sob story’ she’s giving him doesn’t wash in my machine! I get so pissed off. Just the thought of him and her makes me raaaaaaaaaaaaage! He genuinely has fallen for me though. I can tell in his voice, the way he speaks to me, the way he stares at me on Skype. I can’t believe we didn’t get to kiss each other goodbye. That’s what he warned me about. I have to keep thinking, as much as I miss the ass off him, it’s better than just pretending to be friends. I just don’t see a future. I want him in it, but I can’t figure out how that’s going to work.
Day to day routine
My days consist of waking up very very early to walk Chester. It has been hideous the last few mornings. Windy and dark. Chester cheers me up though when his tail starts wagging. He’s always smiling!
I then text Lee his good morning message, have a shower and gussy up. I like listening to Paramore in the mornings. It gets me moving. I do the last bits and pieces of my college work needed for that day and sort out my bag. Text Lee some more. Then I take all my stuff down and join M&D for brekky. There’s always some kind of jibe about my hair or my clothes and sometimes a massive argument. Trouble is, the more they tell me not to do something or wear something, the more I do….
Dad then drops me off at the bus stop and I meet Kate on it. She’s really my only mate here now. The only person who I can talk to. It takes us about half an hour to get to college and we grab a coffee in the canteen and chat until our form session starts. I hate form session cos Kate’s not in it and the others are basically morons. When we have debates and discussions they come out with the dumbest crap you could ever imagine. Really? You are all 17? What, 17 months maybe yes.
Then the rest of the day is about lessons. I LOVE Art lessons but I’m not feeling the Theatre Studies much. I was led to believe that it would involve more set design and costume design but it’s not so far. Also my English Lit course is doing my head in. We studied one decent book, that was a Thomas Hardy one, and the rest have been dull as shit on a stick. It’s difficult doing all this work. I have started doing even more in the evenings now as well to take my mind off Lee so imagine how the average Jo Blogs student must be handling it.
I plod on.
I haven’t written about this very much. I think it’s cos I’m scared that if I open myself up to it, it will become bigger and manifest itself more and more. I’m not frightened. In fact it fascinates me. It’s just that it’s a big deal at the moment and I can’t cope with it, the effort of trying to figure out what’s going on. I have seen three apparitions in my attic area. Two in the bathroom and one in front of the door. Now I have started hearing voices. Two nights ago I woke up to the sound of someone saying ‘Mum, mum, is that you?’ in my ear. I thought i must have dreamt it and I laid there just trying to recall my dream. I dream a lot. But I realised it wasn’t connected in any way to the dream I was having. My dad taking me up in a hot air balloon shaped like a garden shed over Tibet? No. Not connected! In the bathroom, where the presence is always strong, that morning I swear when I looked in the mirror it wasn’t my face. Similar, that’s why I didn’t catch on straight away, but not my face. What the heck?
Of course Paramore! But I’ve been listening to the Levellers new album, ‘Static on the Airwaves.’ It’s pretty good. I love the fiddle combined with rock and their distinct irish folk flavour that kicks ass. They kick ass.
January 20, 2013
Another weekend on my own dreaming and contemplating the future.
I feel as though I’m trapped in the same Ground hog day over and over again.
Get up for college, go to college, come back, eat, do college work, listen to music, surf the net, talk to Lee, go to bed.
Is this it?
I hate January.
I may not even see Lee at February half term. He is skint. London drains him of all his allowance from his parents and they are not at all well off. How can he afford to travel back here? He keeps saying his Dad might fetch him but
we are not supposed to be boyfriend and girlfriend. Why, in that case, would he justify spending all that money on petrol?
Obviously I can’t go and spend the week with him staying in his Halls room. Can you imagine Mum and Dad’s reaction?
I could lie and say I am with Stella but then I don’t think Lee would agree with my lying. And where would I get the cash for the train or bus?
Fucks sake. Lee went on and on about how it would be hard for both of us if we went with our feelings. Long distance relationships are hard. There isn’t even a day to look forward to when I can defo say that I will see him. Summer holidays? Holy crap……
I really don’t usually listen to Avril Lavigne but I am loving this right now
I always needed time on my own
I never thought I’d need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I’m alone
And the bed where you lie is made up on your side
When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?
When you’re gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you’re gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you’re gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through
The day and make it okay
I miss you
- Postcards from Purgatory: Hally Prancer (eighteen39.com)
January 14, 2013
1. The internet.
We have only just got our connection back after a week! It went down on Sunday and Dad wasn’t ready to phone up BT anytime soon. I was so pissed off. They don’t really use it, it was bought for me really and so they don’t think it’s a priority. I tried to tell them that I need it. I DO! I love Youtube, I love my Blog for ranting and sobbing on and I love surfing for alternative lifestyle info and creative ideas. And what a time to go down! When I wanted to shout it out to the world. LEE IS MY BOYFRIEND!!!!! 🙂
2. My parents at being Human Beings. I really thought we had improved on our relationship since all that stuff over summer but NO. They are becoming more and more like freedom nazis and stricter and stricter. I will soon have to inform them when I want to take a shit.
3. Playing in cool with Lee. Oh this is just precious! (Did I mention that he is now my BOYFRIEND?!!)
4. Getting Christmas project work in on time. But I don’t give a flying frick.
Back to Lee.
Yes, so Lee has GONE back to London. BUT……………He is my boyfriend! Yes, you read it. B.O.Y.F.R.I.E.N.D!!!
Perhaps I didn’t mention that!??
Ssshhh because NO ONE knows. If my M&D or HIS find out we are friggin in the shit right up to our necks.
This poses a few (million) problems, as Lee explained to me, but I really didn’t and still don’t give a shit. We are together and I couldn’t be happier! (Well except if we were actually together………)
So, back to the story. Mum walked in on our ’embrace’ and the fact that I launched myself at him and had him pinned him to the door frame kinda looked suspicious. We jumped apart but the damage was done as it was written all over our faces. Well, he was beaming and as red as a beetroot so I guess I was as well. My mum stood there for what seemed like ages and then just said. ‘Casey, go upstairs. Lee, I think you should be going now.’
He smiled the most beautiful smile and I just melted. I heard Mum tell me again to go upstairs and I went. Like a zombie. A few minutes later she appeared and sat on my bed. I was sitting at my art desk with my back to her, trying not to say something bitchy. She then asked me to tell her what was going on between me and Lee. I calmly said nothing…which was true at that point. (I managed to make it seem that way in my head as we hadn’t done anything. Well, not since New Year.) She got really mad then. She went on about how he was a MAN and I was only 17…I tried to talk over her calmly and say it was only 2 years difference but she was just going for it. I let her. I stayed with my back to her and tried to shut it all out. I didn’t want to provoke it and make her ground me or stop us from seeing each other, but I also couldn’t stand to hear her condescending me and treating me like a child. So I just said:
‘There’s nothing going on between Lee and me.’
And pretended to draw. It seemed like hours until she got up, said ‘Ok then. But if I ever find out you’re lying to me there will be serious repercussions,’ and left the room.
Poor Stella had been hiding in the bathroom and came out, grinning like a dork. I was really glad she was there.
I called Lee. I told him what had happened. That was when he said that we had no choice but to keep it all secret. Then he said that Annabelle had arrived and everything kind of went flat. The adrenalin I had been experiencing turned from a pleasant electrical fuzz called excitement to a dull pumping of jealousy. I asked him when we could see each other and he said that he had to spend the day with Annabelle, she needed to talk, and then he would see if she was up to meeting me. Was I up to meeting her though? Nope. I just wanted him all to myself after all this, we were finally moving on, yet SHE had got between us. I really didn’t want to see her that day, or the day after that either for that matter.
But then I didn’t want her to be with Lee, my Lee, in his house….I wanted to somehow put my mark on it, mark my territory if you like, a bit like cats do. Yeh, I’m a cat. And I can scratch……….
What happened between Annabelle and me? I will write about that next time. Right now I have to get some College work done. And stop fantasising about Lee…and Annabelle with Lee……..Lee, Lee, Lee……
My Lee! 🙂
and it’s snowing!
- The Part Time Boyfriend – German Edition. (lucyvstheglobe.com)
January 7, 2013
So, Lee has gone back to London.
I feel empty. I feel hollow. But I also feel weirdly alive like I’ve got electricity coursing through my veins.
I haven’t written for days because I wanted to make the most of Lee. Sometimes it felt like it would never end and he would never go, but then, alone at night up here in my attic room, I have never felt so alone. Especially thinking about him and Annabelle in his house, under the same roof.
So let’s go back to the day after the kiss in Lisa’s room.
I woke up obviously with a raging hangover from mixing wine and beer and not downing a pint of water before I fell asleep. Mum said she had tried to wake me up since 10am but had given up, just being glad that I was home safely and Lee hadn’t stayed again. Lee came round. I just managed to drag myself to the bathroom, wash all my make up off and apply some light mascara as well as clean my rank smelling teeth. Ewww. He looked a bit ill himself but told me that he hadn’t been drunk, but had been awake most of the night worrying about our situation, mulling over the kiss in his mind over and over again. His mates had all sussed what had happened in Lisa’s room and said that they had all sensed the vibe coming off me. (Only me?)
They had all spent the rest of the party trying to persuade Lee to follow me to my house, but he had tried to explain our situation and that if he had gone and been found in my room later by M&D we would have been banned from seeing each other probably forever. They had let up and got on with the party but he said he had felt really bad.
My head was throbbing all through this ‘conversation’ and I wanted to get something to eat and drink and go back to bed. I wanted him to just say that everything was gonna be ok and that we were together, he was mine and for me to at least feel like death walking for a good reason.
But it had gone all serious and seemed to regret the kiss. Personally I thought it was fucking delicious and longed to do it again despite my dog shit mouth. He was sitting on the other end of the kitchen table and seemed to be unable to look me in the eye. I had to ask. Did he regret what happened? He stared at the floor, shifted in the chair and shook his head. Thank fuck for small mercies!
He then stared right into my eyes for ages and said that he had to go and get a shower and clear his head. I wanted to bawl my eyes out,, it was fucked up and I felt so ill and alone. I asked him if we could do something later and he said he would call. I showed him out through the back door and he hugged me for ages but didn’t hang around long enough to kiss me. I felt like a part of me was dying.
He didn’t call til later on in the evening. I had slept a bit but cried mostly and my friggin eyes felt like pumped up car tires. He asked me if we could give it a miss that evening and promised he would feel better the next day and we should go out with Chester, get some fresh air and try and figure stuff out. That night was the longest of my life, but there was a spark inside me because at least he was suggesting that there was a solution.
So, January 2nd dawned. I woke up feeling ok but still tired out and weak. I spruced up as much as I could muster the energy to do and then got a phone call from Stella. She was crying and histerical, saying that she had split up with Matt on New Year’s Eve and could she come and stay with me. Her Mum was willing to bring her in the car. What could I say? I meanI know I can be a queen fucking bitch at times, but that wrath is reserved for fuckwits who deserve it. Stella doesn’t so I said yes.
The next phone call was to lee to tell him I wouldn’t be able to see him. Not that day or the next. I was gutted, so upset, but I owed Stella my support. He sounded genuinely flawed by my sudden need to be with Stella and deep inside I kinda thought maybe he would spend the next two days missing me a bit and hopefully come to his senses and realise we should be together. So that’s what happened. Stella came. Lee didn’t.
I couldn’t do much for her, as I knew I wouldn’t. She just needed a shoulder to cry on. I almost forgot that Annabelle was due to appear on the 4th January and Stella was still here then. Lee had been texting me and trying to call continuously over the two or three days, but I only picked up twice and answered his sms twice. I wanted to just ease up and Stella was the perfect distraction if I am honest. It gave me a break from my own pain. Is that selfish?
So on the morning of the 4th, Lee called me. It was about 11am and he asked me if I was ok, and how Stella was and then said that Annabelle was arriving at 12. He asked if he could come over and just see me for half an hour as he had missed me like crazy. Stella offered to go for a walk but I told her to stay in my room as Lee wasn’t allowed up there anyways. She met him in the kitchen and winked at me before disappearing up the stairs and winking at me. She approved but who wouldn’t!?
The first thing he asked me was if I had missed him. I said yes of course. I don’t see the point in playing games. He said that he had thought at first that I had been avoiding him and maybe decided he was too much hassle. He hadn’t slept hardly again. I told the truth and said that Stella coming had been a welcome distraction because he was hurting me so badly and I was so tired of analysing each and every look, word and gesture. I suppose I sounded quite angry. I was though. He stood up and I thought he was going to head out the door, but he suddenly turned round and said:
‘I have decided….if you still want to….we should…just let our relationship go the way it wants…I should stop fighting it for the sake of your age, the distance and the fact that your parents are protective. It’s not right. I can’t see you as a friend any more. I think I am falling for you and I can’t do anything about it. So what do you think?’
That was when I found myself almost running to him. I flung myself at him, he thudded against the kitchen door frame and we both started laughing. I was also crying with happiness.
That was when Mum decided to walk in……………..