2014 so far….

January 12, 2014

I haven’t blogged since before New Year, in fact I haven’t blogged THIS year at all. Sounds so bad.

I left all my college work til last minute and when Lee left last weekend I had to get it all done. In one day. Feeling SHITBALLS about life as I usually do after he has gone. I went back to college for one day and then started (well, continued) to feel like shit and dad said I had a virus. Then I started chucking chunks. It was vile. I have been off this whole week, just curled up in bed between hurling into a bowl on the floor and visiting the loo. Just fucking hideous.

There’s not really much to write about, well nothing exciting at least. I had a perfect time with Lee. He came back from his Dad’s the day after boxing day and wasn’t in a great mood, but that’s understandable. He spent some time with his mum after that but kept coming back at night. I had my period (yeh, thanks for that. GREAT TIMING) so it was no sex but he still wanted to sleep in the same bad as me and cuddle up. Result. Stella’s boyfriend doesn’t stay with her when she’s on so I feel blessed that lee sees me as more than a shag at night. I just LOVE waking up all tangled with him. He’s got really hairy legs and it feels weird but I have got used to it hahaha.

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We had another blue about me not wanting to tell my parents. I think I mentioned that my Nan somehow found out that Lee was in my room? She left me a note in one of my jacket pockets saying that she knew about ‘the boy’ and that she wouldn’t tell M&D but that I should be really careful. We’ve already been through the pregnancy scare once so we are both more aware of that possibility. I told him that it’s not long before I (hopefully) get accepted on the foundation course in London so we can be together. I just HAVE to get into Uni in London. What if I don’t? It’s not worth thinking about. My first choice is St Martin’s, not because lee is there, but it’s the best one in my opinion. My second and third choices are Chelsea and Kingston. I have applied already and I have to get at least a B in each of my A level subjects to get into St Martins. This is why I am freaking out most of the time and spend all my time working! I managed to persuade Dad to let me go to London to do my Art Foundation because there are NO foundations courses close by around here and because I have done A levels, that’s the next step before my Degree. Lee did it differently, I think he did BTEC so he could go straight to London and start his Degree.

I just can’t wait to get away from here, even though I love it for the serenity, lack of humans and woods and nature. I need to meet cool people, be with Lee, stop all this insane jealousy about Annabelle, and be in a place that inspires me and lets me be Casey.

I listened a lot to Lee playing guitar this holiday. I really want to learn but when he tried to teach me I screamed like a dick cos it really hurt my fingers! Here’s a GIF I made of him playing. I did it on Photoshop.

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So tomorrow it’s back to the grindstone and the rat race. Fuck it. The one positive is that I’ll be starting driving lessons on Tuesday evening and the sooner I get my licence, the sooner I get a car and the sooner I’ll be able to motor on down to London whenever I feel the fuck like it. I would set off at about 11pm, drive for about 3 hours cos there wouldn’t be anyone on the motorways at that time really, and get to London at about 2am….spend a divine few hours in bed with Lee and then drive home by about 8am and get ready for college. Then die at about 2pm that day from being trashed! So what, Fuck it.

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Oh forgot to tell youz. One of the prezzies Lee gave ‘us’ for Christmas was this cute pillowcase set. He has taken one with him though so we are both sleeping on them.

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So ….dinner time for me now. Uggh I still feel a bit queazy. Oh well. I can’t stand the thought of anymore fucking soup. Vomtastic. I wish I could drink copious amounts of wine to get me through to February half term. So fucking LONG. Amber Leaf, red wine and Chester.

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~C~

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At last! At fucking last! lee is coming home…..

I have been here, waiting for his return, in desperate, shitty, depressing, hollow limbo for a week. WTF. I don’t know how I am still alive.

He had to find someone to replace him at the bar he works at (if he wanted to go back to that job in the new year, which he does cos it’s his only income) and find someone to stay at the house over the holidays as the landlord lives in Japan. A bit far to come and check up on it then? It’s in quite a rough area in North London so there needs to be someone there at all times ideally. He has stayed before and the landlord let him off the rent for that holiday period. Quite a good deal but not NOW. I think he said Cloe was staying and her brother is coming over from Portugal for Christmas to stay there with her. Weird. Lee wasn’t happy about her staying there even one night on her own, but she insisted. I think it would be fucking cool in a big Victorian 4 storey place, all alone, dodgy area, barricaded in! But then I am a little bit fucked up. Or a lot.

Yeh so he is setting off around 6pm and will be here about 10pm…………………………………YEEEEEEEEES!

I have managed to save up 30 quid out of my allowance to buy him something cool for Chrimbo even though he told me not to. I’ll try and persuade M&D to ‘allow’ me to take him into town tomorrow and buy him something. The fricking ‘grounding’ has not yet ceased even though it’s CHRISTMAS, the season of good will and all that crap. Fucking great parents. I really hope they ease off because I will have to tell Lee why I can’t go out with him and Joel and Lisa…because I am grounded for having smokes in my bag!

He will not be impressed.

So I have been just literally moping around. My Aunt has tried to motivate me to add stuff to The Silent Angels website, but I have been lacking motivation. Totally. I wanted to sort out my clothes but I haven’t, well today I managed to put them all away, which is a fucking miracle. That’s only cos I found out last night when Lee was coming and it cheered me up. Pulled me out of my scrooge-like existence.

Have caught up on sleep (I hope Lee has as well cos I intend to keep him up all night, every night, haha) and half cleaned out my room from a term’s worth of crap accumulated. Papers, art work, paint, books, old makeup pallets…carrier bags of rubbish, dirty clothes, broken jewellery needing to be mended…oh the list is endless. At least it’s clean. I intend to aromatherapise it up (is that a word???) and arrange all my candles near the bed area in anticipation of a few hot nights of ‘pash’ coming up VERY soon! Oh I am going to rip the clothes off that scrummy body of his. Phwooooooooooooooooooor!

What else have I done? Been to work at the surgery. Boring as shit Saturday mornings. No one calls much or comes in. I sit and fiddle with my phone. Stare at the clock, text Lee, text Dim, text Stella. Make out my grocery list for ASDAs. Look forward to my weekly shop with Mum. Not. At. All. Grumpy cow.

Pops and Nan are coming on Tuesday. Good job they are deaf, not be awful, but they are staying in one of the guest rooms that’s near my stairs that come up to the attic so they potentially might hear mine and Lee’s night time ‘pursuits’. Nah. They go to sleep at about 9pm bless them.

I have read Book number 3 of The Beautiful Dead series and it was chuffin awesome. The fourth is the last one where Darina gets to solve Phoenix’s murder. I am intrigued by how it’s going to end cos after she has solved Phoenix’s, it’s the last one and she’ll never see him again. Ooo it’s a bit of a heartstring tugger and I don’t usually get soppy about books.

http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/7877758-phoenix

I love the covers:

BD1   
BD2


      BD3

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So it’s tea time for me. I bought some quorn pies yesterday that look amazing. So I will eat the mash tates that mum is making and have some green beans and carrots as well. Gotta go down and help Mum and try and wangle my way around her so she lets me go out tomorrow…..

This is what I crave…..

this is all I want

What’s up now!

November 10, 2013

Right then, I am determined to be positive all the way through this post. If I lie then I lie. Fuck it. (But I may have to put a bunch of foot notes at the end and admit some true shit!)

Ok so let’s start with my favourite subject, lee. Yeh so he finally backed down and created a Facebook page. I mean hell, is it THAT difficult?? Apparently so. I know I don’t spend much time on it either but it’s really nice to post stuff to each other, right? Well, yeh. It was cool to begin with but it’s kinda started to wear off. The novelty I mean. We Skype every day so what’s Facebook? That was his original argument and I contested it and now I hate to say I agree with him! Oh well. Anyone want to help me by making Facebook more interesting? Befriend me?

https://www.facebook.com/casey.papadaki

At least I badgered him into posting up a nice recent photo of himself. Wtf is his problem with his face? It’s THE most gorgeous face ON the Earth’s surface! What do you guys reck?

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I caught him by surprise the day he left after half term. We were standing near the trees and the sun was peeking through the bare branches, illuminating him a bit. I had to lighten it a bit but it’s a good representation of Mr Chapman my lover!

I am pissed off this weekend (being positive has already become tedious!) because all his housemates are away and he’s there all on his own. We could set that place alight all alone this weekend! I’m glad Annabitch has gone. Apparently she is going through some counselling and has been cutting her arms. I feel bad for her (I suppose although not a LOT) cos her parents don’t give a shit, she’s only got this man-friend to fall back on (well, apart from Lee and she does that ALL the time) who beats up on her a lot. lee refuses to have him in their house so she goes off every so often to see him. Lee’s not happy about it and I know he loses sleep over her, but what can he do? He’s got his own family crap going on,even though his dad has started sending some money to his mum and Lisa, at last. Tool.

He’s going to be even busier soon cos he’s starting an Art Therapy course alongside his Fine Art degree. He wants to work with kids eventually which is cool I guess. I wouldn’t do that though, when I get my degree in Art I want to use it for something else like design. More money! lee isn’t like me in that. He reckons that money isn’t everything and we should use our talents to help other people. Ok,yeh. But I want to help myself have a good life as well!

Yep, I’m a selfish bitch! (That’s why me and Lee are great together. He’s the humanitarian and I’m the money grabber. We will be able to do great things hahaha! )

Dimitris is like me in that way. I’ve mentioned before how he and I are similar and we get on because of that, but sometimes hate each other as well! We went a week without Skyping or calling each other over half term because of one little comment I made and he took it all wrong. He is fiery and a bit judgemental like me (apparently, according to lee, very judgemental), and once he gets pissed off he can’t get through that feeling easily and so will retreat. I do the same and it drives Lee crazy as he just wants to talk everything out. I can’t and he gets pissed. I need time to heal Casey and then I come back and I can take the critique better. What’s up with that? Thing is lee takes offence, being hyper sensitive, and takes it all personally, whereas when me and Dimitri fight, we come back a few days later and laugh about it. Most of the time.

Yeh, so what about him? Well. He’s currently single AGAIN. He keeps saying that every time he gets with a new girl, he’s fine for a few weeks then he starts comparing her to me and subsequently dumps her. What can I say? I keep telling him how I feel, and it’s the truth. If I wasn’t with lee I would’ve been on the first train to Manchester months ago. We flirt a little, but I try not to let it go too far. he’s very gorgeous and attractive. We get on really well because we are so similar, but I am in love with Lee. Sometimes I DO think I might be in love with both of them, but I don’t think that’s possible.

Is it?

College is still SHIT. I refuse to discuss it on this Blog because it already permeates too much of my time as it is. I always have a rant about it to Lee anyway so no more about the boredom and doom that IS my crushingly dull 6th Form. Yuuk.

Musically I listen to my favourites on a regular basis, namely when I fall asleep; Nirvana, Paramore, Panic! At the disco, Pearl jam/Eddie vedder.

Other much-listened to-lately are Flyleaf, Slint, Yellowcard and Sick puppies. Here’s a particularly fucking awesome video and track I love:

and on finding this I have also found some full albums such as these: I have just discovered Hurt. Fucking screaming.

Anyways I digress!

Talking of Youtube, I have been watching some awesome Vlogs and stuff by a girl called Sarah Hawkinson, who has her own Youtube Channel. I like her game cos she’s a vegetarian, she loves Rock/Metal music, horror films and also has a pretty cool style. At the moment she’s got a particularly fetching shade of purple hair. Check her out here:

Lee is off to work now. 6 weeks til I see him at Christmas, although he MIGHT get back here sooner if he doesn’t need to work. Same old as far as the finances go cos he needs money now for this Art Therapy Module….. 

Oh yeh the gossip about Lisa and Joel! We had a great time and it ends up that those two are now an item but Lee’s Mum DOESNT know about it. Lisa thinks that she’ll freak, but Lee is all about the honesty again (oh man give it a break!) and keeps getting at Lisa to tell her. Saying that though, she has been on the phone to me most evenings going on about it in that she’s never gonna see him. Welcome to my World!!!! I do actually quite like her, but I feel a bit dubious about her newly found good style of being mildly goth and starting to listen to decent tunes. I know..I KNOW I shouldn’t judge and be shallow about appearances, but you can’t go from dancing around your living room to Lady Gaga and Britney ‘Speared’ to suddenly listening to Metallica! Morally WRONG! I will see…we talk a lot lately so I am giving her a chance. Lee would be stoked up if we got to be genuine friends. 

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I’m off to get food. Maybe back later but have got MOUNDS of work to get through later……………..oh and I MUST post those ghost pics I took with my Aunt! 

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Going out, baby..GOING OUT!

October 25, 2013

Lee’s taking me out, oh Lee’s taking me out…oh Lee, Lee, Lee. HE IS TAKING ME OUT!

Yeh, so Joel has gone back to London and Lee is going to get taken back by his Mum on Sunday night. I think Lisa and Joel are an ITEM because I went round there today and they were all cozied up on the sofa, clearly more than friends. I asked Lee and he raised his eyebrow in that SEXY way he does when he’s not sure about something or he thinks something’s dodgy as fuck, and then smiled. He was like, Oh man Joel! JOEL and my SISTER? I think he’s cool  with it though. I wonder how cool Marie is? Lisa is the same age as me (nearly 18) and Joel’s lee’s age, 20, nearly 20.

I made lunch for him today and then we took Chester out for a long long walk in the woods where we met. We made out bigtime in our clearing and we almost went way too far. It was freezing cold and wet, but we nearly did. I really missed his soft but manly guitar playing artist’s hands and his warm soft lips…..grrrrr! Then we stumbled back home and found that M&D were OUT so we spent a scrummy couple of hours upstairs carrying on from where we left off in the woods….yummy yum yum yum. We managed to get ourselves showered and dressed, downstairs drinking coffee when the Nazis got home.

Lee told me that one of his old mates from college is playing in his band tonight and he wants us to go. It’s in a pub, not a massive gig, but it’ll be fantasmagoria! I think it’s called ‘Leatherblack’. heavy metal. I can’t wait.

So, we’re catching the bus into town in like….20 minutes so I’ve got to post this and get going. Getting a taxi back to HERE later on. I’ll try not to drink too much else I’ll just get home and crash with no yummy yumzi with Lee…I have to make the most of it while I can! Getting drunk v sex with lee? No comparison!

Oh he’s here. I think I look ok. My hair is a bit flat, but I love the colour at the moment. Pale blue pastel. I found a nice new eyeliner as well and it looks ace with my hair. Just wearing black skinnies and a black lacey blouse with cut out shoulders and my Docs. Ready to go! Just another squirt of my Black XS perfumio and my skull scarf and faux leather jacket and…..I’m off!

Laterz!

~C~

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Songs of silence

May 29, 2013

That was an awesome evening…he has left me highly frustrated and hornsome now…and M&D ARE STILL UP!!! They are NEVER still up at this time (12:10 in the night). WHY? Why now? lee keeps texting me…’Can I come back yet I need you…I want you…..”

This is seriously TORTUROUS!!!!

I love this track for night time lazing:

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we ‘watched’ these

I say watched…..pffff. You know. And yes, Mum DID come upstairs. Put it this way thank god we’ve got creaky stairs.

Oh finally I think they have gone to bed.

Off to sleep with  you both!!!

Oh no it’s chucking it down out there…….well I’ll just have to make sure Lee gets straight out of his wet clothes as soon as he gets here.

Bad girl. Very bad.

*grinning*

Night 3 part 1

May 29, 2013

Lee is here. Yes, in my room!

My M&D are downstairs (two flights actually cos I live in the attic room as some people know) and I have to leave the door open (yawn) and Mum reckons she’s coming up at ‘regular intervals’ to check on us. AND the cheeky cow said to Lee when he turned up about half hour ago, ”It’s not that I don’t trust you Lee, it’s Casey that is the liability.”

WTF now? !!!!

Lee’s face was a fucking picture. I could tell that despite everything going on with him, he was dying to laugh. Ha. Hilarious Mum. Jesus.

Casey’s face was a picture as well! ~ Lee.

Hahah now we are writing together? He’s pissed cos I won’t let him read any of my previous blogs and he doesn’t know how to use WordPress…Yeh as if I could keep anything from you anyhow!

Let me read some stuff then!~ Lee

Nope!

And we are drinking. I’ve got some G&T called Alfie and Lee has got some beer. He’s now looking through my DVDs to watch. That’s til about 11:30 when he will obediently go downstairs and say goodnight to M&D, go home and then come back via the tree later on when the world is sleeping.

I don’t think we will be doing much sleeping…………..

No we sure won’t! (~Lee)

There you go, that’s a promise!

Lee gives me a side glance and smirks a real sexy one…

I’m trying to take a photo of him but he keeps tickling me…..nah. How can someone so gorgeous be so self conscious?

LET ME TAKE A PHOTO OF YOU THEN, CASEY!!!! ~Lee.

Ok this is getting daft. Time to snuggle. Do you think my Mum will come up? Lee is tutting. Yeh be patient Casey know I know!

ooppppps sorry Mum!

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yes I cut it down cos I snapped as I pounced on him and I looked hideous….

Night 2

May 29, 2013

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My life.

Yesterday we spent the afternoon together in the woodland and old graveyard. Places we used to hang out when everything was new and we were happy. There’s a grey cloud hanging over everyone now, despite my utter contentment to be with him again, to be able to stare at him…his long black hair that now tucks behind his ears…his long dark eyelashes that cast spiky shadows on his cheeks. He looks tired and older now. Not the smiley Lee I once knew. How we have both grown up. How life has fucked us.

His mum and dad are fighting non stop. He is tired of being in the middle of it, trying to be the one with the voice of reason. He says the worst thing is that they were fine when they were scraping by and having to pull together as a family. Now his Dad has got this job it’s as if all their underlying problems and grievances with each other have surfaced and they can’t see through any of the good times or the fact that they survived before. His Dad has given up. Lisa is in her room all the time crying.

I think he’s angry with his Dad but is trying to see it from his angle. Poor Lee. His curse is his empathetic nature. If it were me I would stay well out of it and let them fight their own battles. But my M&D are different. I am different. I am not close to them, not like Lee is.

We walked endlessly through wind and showers of rain, holding hands and sometimes wrapping our arms round each other. I needed it, needed to be close to him cos the Lee who I knew before was still in there somewhere, buried deep down. Lee, my protector. Lee, who was always so there for me. Now I have to get used to the fact it’s not all about me anymore.

At about 6pm, Lisa called him. I could hear her desperate voice. She needed him to go home. I tried not to show my disappointment and walked on ahead so he wouldn’t see my eyes. He came up behind me and embraced me (he can pick me up off the floor easily, him being so tall and me being a short arse) and then turned me around and found my lips with his. Heat, swirling, blood boiling….and he apologised for being such a downer. I shrugged and said that it’s what he has to do and we have to face it. He held me close for ages with his hands in my hair before kissing my head and saying he had to go and see Lisa.

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I asked if I would see him later that night. He said maybe, depending on Lisa and the situation at home.

He didn’t come.

We talked for a good 2 hours on the phone about everything and that he wanted to stay at home with Lisa as she wasn’t sleeping and needed him to be there in case. Yeh I feel for her but I have been sleeping alone for 6 weeks. I need him too.

I was like this last night….laying on my bed staring at the ceiling. Knowing he was so near yet so far. I wanted so much to be hidden in his room. But there’s no tall old tree to climb up. Only Lee can do the climbing……

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So I woke up late this morning feeling like shit and it’s pouring with rain. It’s so quiet. I took Chester for a short walk but it started pissing it down so I brought him upstairs. M&D don’t like it but tough shit. They are not here anyways so they won’t know.

Rain Animated Gif

Can’t be arsed to do anything. Just listening to music. This track over and over again:

I am outside

And I’ve been waiting for the sun

And with my wide eyes

I’ve seen worlds that don’t belong
My mouth is dry

With words I cannot verbalize

Tell me why we live like this
Keep me safe inside

Your arms like towers

Tower over me, yeah
‘Cause we are broken

What must we do to restore

Our innocence

And oh, the promise we adored?

Give us life again

‘Cause we just wanna be whole
Lock the doors

‘Cause I’d like to capture this voice

That came to me tonight

So everyone will have a choice
And under red lights

I’ll show myself it wasn’t forged

We’re at war, we live like this
Keep me safe inside

Your arms like towers

Tower over me
‘Cause we are broken

What must we do to restore

Our innocence

And oh, the promise we adored?

Give us life again

‘Cause we just wanna be whole
Tower over me

Tower over me

And I’ll take the truth at any cost
‘Cause we are broken

What must we do to restore

Our innocence

And oh, the promise we adored?

Give us life again

‘Cause we just wanna be whole

Lee’s arms are my towers.

But I can’t feel their solidity right now.

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Night 1

May 28, 2013

 

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Poor Lee. His M&D are splitting up. Hence his Dad is going to live in Leeds. His mum and siss get to stay here so Lee will be coming here for holidays which is good for us (selfish Casey) but right now it’s all raw.

He climbed up to my room at half past midnight and just collapsed on my bed in silence. Then he told me everything. He cried a bit. I just lay there stunned, not knowing what to say. I’m not good with intense emotions, especially coming from something I don’t understand. If my parents split up, I don’t think I would be that bothered. That’s the honest truth.

All I could manage was a few ‘oh my god’ s, which he must have thought lame as fuck. Then after a while he rolled over and hugged me (of course I obliged) and we stayed like that for a while. He kept thanking me for being there and listening to him. I must have done right after all.

Then he started snoring.

I guess this is where Casey has to grow up and realise that life can get in the way of passionate wild nights of sex.

I set the alarm for 6am and after lying there in his bear-like arms for about a blissful hour (secretly hoping he would wake up and ravish me) I must have fallen asleep too. When the hideous thing woke us up this morning, we talked for a bit longer and he said he felt a bit better from just being able to rant to me. He promised we would hang out later today and with a long kiss and hug, he disappeared into the morning haze. He looked so sexy, his hair all over his sleepy eyes.

I feel like I have turned a corner. We slept together but didn’t sleep together. Isn’t that kinda cool?

It was also good to be there for HIM for once and to see HIS vulnerable side. It’s usually him there for me, giving advice about college and my parents. Yes, defo a good night.

I couldn’t resist taking this photo…

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dreaming

February 25, 2013

Did that really happen?

I am assured by my beautiful lover that yes, in fact it did! I don’t want to spill all our private stuff on here, it’s not appropriate, but I am just overwhelmed by how I feel, how it has changed everything in my life. All the stories I have heard about nightmare first experiences of sex….and mine couldn’t have been better. I was in heaven until we fell asleep cuddled up at about 3:30am. We only had 3 hours sleep but I felt more alive than ever before afterwards, even though he was falling over trying to get dressed in the dark and sneak down the tree back to his house before any of our parents woke up. I remembered to tell him not to enter the garden at the back cos of Chester, who would have gone apeshit if Lee had appeared creeping past his little house.

I do not know how I got through today at college. I don’t remember much of yesterday only that I couldn’t get up out of that warm nest of a bed that smelt of Lee…Lee’s skin and Lee’s warmth. I still haven’t changed the sheets or pillowcases and won’t for ages. Hahahaa. I didn’t even want to have a shower but thought I should seeing as I had to face M&D sooner or later yesterday evening!

Oh we have spent hours on the phone talking and going over those delicious sexy moments again and again. He was soooooo gentle, I think I was the one who was a bit rampant but he wasn’t complaining! Oh I want to talk about it from the first second he slipped into bed with me but I can’t…secrets…for him and me only!

All I will say is that it was perfect. We had candles, we had warmth, we had time, we took it slow….we got to know what each other likes, we laughed a lot and had fun. We were like two people who fit together, like we were separated and now we have found our other halves. Oh I long for it again. I wish I could just have a kiss, a hug and look from those deep dark eyes of his…feel those silky hands running all over my skin…….

Casey….stop…. 🙂

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