January 7, 2013
So, Lee has gone back to London.
I feel empty. I feel hollow. But I also feel weirdly alive like I’ve got electricity coursing through my veins.
I haven’t written for days because I wanted to make the most of Lee. Sometimes it felt like it would never end and he would never go, but then, alone at night up here in my attic room, I have never felt so alone. Especially thinking about him and Annabelle in his house, under the same roof.
So let’s go back to the day after the kiss in Lisa’s room.
I woke up obviously with a raging hangover from mixing wine and beer and not downing a pint of water before I fell asleep. Mum said she had tried to wake me up since 10am but had given up, just being glad that I was home safely and Lee hadn’t stayed again. Lee came round. I just managed to drag myself to the bathroom, wash all my make up off and apply some light mascara as well as clean my rank smelling teeth. Ewww. He looked a bit ill himself but told me that he hadn’t been drunk, but had been awake most of the night worrying about our situation, mulling over the kiss in his mind over and over again. His mates had all sussed what had happened in Lisa’s room and said that they had all sensed the vibe coming off me. (Only me?)
They had all spent the rest of the party trying to persuade Lee to follow me to my house, but he had tried to explain our situation and that if he had gone and been found in my room later by M&D we would have been banned from seeing each other probably forever. They had let up and got on with the party but he said he had felt really bad.
My head was throbbing all through this ‘conversation’ and I wanted to get something to eat and drink and go back to bed. I wanted him to just say that everything was gonna be ok and that we were together, he was mine and for me to at least feel like death walking for a good reason.
But it had gone all serious and seemed to regret the kiss. Personally I thought it was fucking delicious and longed to do it again despite my dog shit mouth. He was sitting on the other end of the kitchen table and seemed to be unable to look me in the eye. I had to ask. Did he regret what happened? He stared at the floor, shifted in the chair and shook his head. Thank fuck for small mercies!
He then stared right into my eyes for ages and said that he had to go and get a shower and clear his head. I wanted to bawl my eyes out,, it was fucked up and I felt so ill and alone. I asked him if we could do something later and he said he would call. I showed him out through the back door and he hugged me for ages but didn’t hang around long enough to kiss me. I felt like a part of me was dying.
He didn’t call til later on in the evening. I had slept a bit but cried mostly and my friggin eyes felt like pumped up car tires. He asked me if we could give it a miss that evening and promised he would feel better the next day and we should go out with Chester, get some fresh air and try and figure stuff out. That night was the longest of my life, but there was a spark inside me because at least he was suggesting that there was a solution.
So, January 2nd dawned. I woke up feeling ok but still tired out and weak. I spruced up as much as I could muster the energy to do and then got a phone call from Stella. She was crying and histerical, saying that she had split up with Matt on New Year’s Eve and could she come and stay with me. Her Mum was willing to bring her in the car. What could I say? I meanI know I can be a queen fucking bitch at times, but that wrath is reserved for fuckwits who deserve it. Stella doesn’t so I said yes.
The next phone call was to lee to tell him I wouldn’t be able to see him. Not that day or the next. I was gutted, so upset, but I owed Stella my support. He sounded genuinely flawed by my sudden need to be with Stella and deep inside I kinda thought maybe he would spend the next two days missing me a bit and hopefully come to his senses and realise we should be together. So that’s what happened. Stella came. Lee didn’t.
I couldn’t do much for her, as I knew I wouldn’t. She just needed a shoulder to cry on. I almost forgot that Annabelle was due to appear on the 4th January and Stella was still here then. Lee had been texting me and trying to call continuously over the two or three days, but I only picked up twice and answered his sms twice. I wanted to just ease up and Stella was the perfect distraction if I am honest. It gave me a break from my own pain. Is that selfish?
So on the morning of the 4th, Lee called me. It was about 11am and he asked me if I was ok, and how Stella was and then said that Annabelle was arriving at 12. He asked if he could come over and just see me for half an hour as he had missed me like crazy. Stella offered to go for a walk but I told her to stay in my room as Lee wasn’t allowed up there anyways. She met him in the kitchen and winked at me before disappearing up the stairs and winking at me. She approved but who wouldn’t!?
The first thing he asked me was if I had missed him. I said yes of course. I don’t see the point in playing games. He said that he had thought at first that I had been avoiding him and maybe decided he was too much hassle. He hadn’t slept hardly again. I told the truth and said that Stella coming had been a welcome distraction because he was hurting me so badly and I was so tired of analysing each and every look, word and gesture. I suppose I sounded quite angry. I was though. He stood up and I thought he was going to head out the door, but he suddenly turned round and said:
‘I have decided….if you still want to….we should…just let our relationship go the way it wants…I should stop fighting it for the sake of your age, the distance and the fact that your parents are protective. It’s not right. I can’t see you as a friend any more. I think I am falling for you and I can’t do anything about it. So what do you think?’
That was when I found myself almost running to him. I flung myself at him, he thudded against the kitchen door frame and we both started laughing. I was also crying with happiness.
That was when Mum decided to walk in……………..
December 10, 2012
Just got back from college and I’ve got my blue hair dyes. I got in during my lunch hour from a hippie shop round the corner from college. Mum eyed my bag suspiciously when I got in just now but I didn’t show her what I had in it as she would just forbid the whole thing. I am sick of living up to her and Dad’s standards, it’s stifling me. Mum’s still a bit arsy about the (slight) argument we had yesterday about going shopping for clothes. She gets all her stuff from Next and bloody French Connection, BORING, and expects me to just conform to the fads of the day. No I won’t. She will try and say that if I was meant to have blue hair, I would have been born with it. I can hear it now. She shut up once when we were on about tatoos (another one of my intended ‘projects’) and she came out with that line. I retorted ‘So if God wanted you to have blue shades above your eyes, he would have given it to you at birth and saved you money on eye shadow.’ OOOO she did not like that and Dad told me off for being cheeky! WTF. So hypocritical or have I missed something? If she says ANYTHING about my blue hair, I will simply come back at her with a question referring to why she DYES HER HAIR BLONDE at the roots! Eat that shit.
They are out tonight so I can chill out up in my room and do it without disturbances.
I spoke to Lisa again last night. She said that Lee had told her on the phone that Annabelle wouldn’t be here for the whole of the Christmas hols, just maybe a few days. Ok then I can take that. I tried to make out I wasn’t bothered cos I don’t want him to hear about my feelings for him from his sister. She sounded a bit surprised but changed the subject and started talking about the dyes that I told her I had bought. She offered to come round and help me but I would rather just do it on my own. Listen to some tracks, experiment with some eyeliner, watch a DVD or read a bit and have a nice ‘lonely’ evening with me, myself and I.
I thought about writing Lee a letter as well. Maybe as an email? But letters are more personal and he shares a laptop with his friend in Halls so it might not be secure or private to send an email like that. I can get his address from Lisa. Watch this space.
I’m being called for dinner so I will dye my hair after and hopefully get a chance to write another post tonight.
Mum has been trying to get me shopping for clothes. I know this is a bad idea from the word ‘shopping’. Why? Because all the high street shops are shit. The clothes are made by poor kids and women in sweat shops getting paid frickin pittance. I won’t buy from them. Mum says that Primark have a policy now about this but I don’t believe it. Plus I don’t want to turn up at college wearing the same jumper or coat as every other girl. I have done some sketches of clothes that I’d like to wear right now: (kinda self portraits as well, there is a resemblance for those who are interested in what I kinda look like!)
I’m going to ask Stella if she’ll help me. Maybe I can find some vintage or second hand website that sells some things like this and get her advice and ideas on how to ‘upcycle‘ them. He’s some info about upcycling:
This website is pretty cool, selling upcycled stuff. Looks like hippie stuff but that’s fine as well.
I’ve been so unfocussed on college work this weekend. I’ve been more inspired towards my new look and style ideas. I did this cool eye liner last night when I hung out with Kate. (Yes, it’s a photo of me! I’m still hating having my photo taken…)
I really want to go for it with this hair as well:
I’m blonde so I won’t have to bleach my hair straw-like to get the best effects.
I can’t wait. Watch this space!
- Green Fashion: clothes swap inspiration (stylishsolution.wordpress.com)
- Ideas For Upcycling T-Shirts (familyfocusblog.com)
- The New Craze of Revamping/Upcycling Items of Clothing. (clairelewisco.wordpress.com)
- Upcycling?? (madcap328.wordpress.com)
- How to Upcycle Plastic Containers to Make a Cupcake Bag (miloscrafts.com)
- Upcycled Leather Satchels – The Sway Creates Incredibly Stylish Clothing for the Edgy Girl (TrendHunter.com) (trendhunter.com)
- Upcycled kids clothes by Kallio (brooklynmakers.com)
- Upcycling (ecocitizenaustralia.com.au)
- Upcycling Article / Milwaukee Journal / Mike Smith (destructivetesting.wordpress.com)
- How to make an iPhone case from upcycled materials (mnn.com)
November 11, 2012
I keep calling Lee but his phone’s engaged. I first tried at about 10, which is the time we usually talk, and STILL it’s making that god-awful noise. It’s driving me nuts.
Trying to take my mind off it. Had a great time last night at Kate’s, she’s hilarious and much wiser than her years. I have told her about Lee, but not what happened over the summer. I don’t think I’ll EVER talk about that to anyone else except Lee and even then, there’s so much I can’t tell him. He’d freak and probably run a mile screaming. I know he’s my closest buddy, he’s my soul mate, but THAT particular revelation would seriously damage him. I still can’t believe it happened myself, and have had to dig out those diaries and stuff more than once. I hate them as soon as I see them, but I guess if it wasn’t for them, I wouldn’t be here writing this blog today. I just got the shivers. Change the subject,
Yeh, so I did my shopping, got all my art stuff. I don’t really like graphics that much but we have to do like a taster project in all areas of art and design. It’s too…how can I say? TIGHT. I prefer getting messy and not having to ‘colour between the lines’ or whatever. Not expressive enough. But I’m doing a centre spread for a magazine about vegan nail polish which will ease the pain a bit! I’ve done some thumbnails today, just little layout sketches, nothing exciting. . Means I’ve had to do loads of research into vegan nail polish. There’s a particular shade of dark red I LOVE and have ordered it. Yumz.
I had loads of English to do as well. How am I supposed to read a novel in three days? Thomas Hardy as well, not the easiest to grip. I like the plot and the characters and their complexities are fascinating, but HOW can I read it and take it in enough to write 3 essays, do my art project AND my drama thesis? I don’t want to drop any of my subs, especially not art. Holy shit. I need to talk to my tutors.
Why isn’t he calling me back????????
Oh yeh, I got some texts off Phil last night. The prick was drunk texting. ‘Casey I love you, sorry I really messed up.’ was the last one. Last, cos I replied saying ‘YOU’RE messed up, loser.’ Kate can’t tolerate shit from guys. I always take the piss out of her and accuse her of being a lesbian, but she so isn’t. She’s just had to wise up fast cos of some frickin a-holes from hell she has been with. She was going out with a really nice guy apparently, but he moved to New Zealand and she never hears from him now. They agreed to stop calling and Skyping cos it was too painful. I don’t think any other guy right now is going to touch him. Poor thing!
RING ME BACK!
OH! I just tried again. It’s ringing out but NO answer! He knows we always talk at 10 before bed. What the f**k???
If he doesn’t ring back I won’t be able to sleep……….
November 8, 2012
I’ve just found this piccie of Hayley. I love her style. I could dye my hair like hers, maybe a bit darker. Those eyes are cool as well.
I don’t like copying, but a bit of inspiration never hurt. Maybe a combo of those eyes I previously posted and hair like this but with some purple underneath. YEP!
I LOVE her in this vid as well.
UPDATE: Click here to see how my hair is right now. Result! What do you think out there? Let’s post our hair dye ideas!