Is it the end? Or the beginning?

January 7, 2013

So, Lee has gone back to London.

I feel empty. I feel hollow. But I also feel weirdly alive like I’ve got electricity coursing through my veins.

I haven’t written for days because I wanted to make the most of Lee. Sometimes it felt like it would never end and he would never go, but then, alone at night up here in my attic room, I have never felt so alone. Especially thinking about him and Annabelle in his house, under the same roof.

So let’s go back to the day after the kiss in Lisa’s room.

I woke up obviously with a raging hangover from mixing wine and beer and not downing a pint of water before I fell asleep. Mum said she had tried to wake me up since 10am but had given up, just being glad that I was home safely and Lee hadn’t stayed again. Lee came round. I just managed to drag myself to the bathroom, wash all my make up off and apply some light mascara as well as clean my rank smelling teeth. Ewww. He looked a bit ill himself but told me that he hadn’t been drunk, but had been awake most of the night worrying about our situation, mulling over the kiss in his mind over and over again. His mates had all sussed what had happened in Lisa’s room and said that they had all sensed the vibe coming off me. (Only me?)

They had all spent the rest of the party trying to persuade Lee to follow me to my house, but he had tried to explain our situation and that if he had gone and been found in my room later by M&D we would have been banned from seeing each other probably forever. They had let up and got on with the party but he said he had felt really bad.

My head was throbbing all through this ‘conversation’ and I wanted to get something to eat and drink and go back to bed. I wanted him to just say that everything was gonna be ok and that we were together, he was mine and for me to at least feel like death walking for a good reason.

But it had gone all serious and seemed to regret the kiss. Personally I thought it was fucking delicious and longed to do it again despite my dog shit mouth. He was sitting on the other end of the kitchen table and seemed to be unable to look me in the eye. I had to ask. Did he regret what happened? He stared at the floor, shifted in the chair and shook his head. Thank fuck for small mercies!

He then stared right into my eyes for ages and said that he had to go and get a shower and clear his head. I wanted to bawl my eyes out,, it was fucked up and I felt so ill and alone. I asked him if we could do something later and he said he would call. I showed him out through the back door and he hugged me for ages but didn’t hang around long enough to kiss me. I felt like a part of me was dying.

He didn’t call til later on in the evening. I had slept a bit but cried mostly and my friggin eyes felt like pumped up car tires. He asked me if we could give it a miss that evening and promised he would feel better the next day and we should go out with Chester, get some fresh air and try and figure stuff out. That night was the longest of my life, but there was a spark inside me because at least he was suggesting that there was a solution.

So, January 2nd dawned. I woke up feeling ok but still tired out and weak. I spruced up as much as I could muster the energy to do and then got a phone call from Stella. She was crying and histerical, saying that she had split up with Matt on New Year’s Eve and could she come and stay with me. Her Mum was willing to bring her in the car. What could I say? I meanI know I can be a queen fucking bitch at times, but that wrath is reserved for fuckwits who deserve it. Stella doesn’t so I said yes.

The next phone call was to lee to tell him I wouldn’t be able to see him. Not that day or the next. I was gutted, so upset, but I owed Stella my support. He sounded genuinely flawed by my sudden need to be with Stella and deep inside I kinda thought maybe he would spend the next two days missing me a bit and hopefully come to his senses and realise we should be together. So that’s what happened. Stella came. Lee didn’t.

I couldn’t do much for her, as I knew I wouldn’t. She just needed a shoulder to cry on. I almost forgot that Annabelle was due to appear on the 4th January and Stella was still here then. Lee had been texting me and trying to call continuously over the two or three days, but I only picked up twice and answered his sms twice. I wanted to just ease up and Stella was the perfect distraction if I am honest. It gave me a break from my own pain. Is that selfish?

So on the morning of the 4th, Lee called me. It was about 11am and he asked me if I was ok, and how Stella was and then said that Annabelle was arriving at 12. He asked if he could come over and just see me for half an hour as he had missed me like crazy. Stella offered to go for a walk but I told her to stay in my room as Lee wasn’t allowed up there anyways. She met him in the kitchen and winked at me before disappearing up the stairs and winking at me. She approved but who wouldn’t!?

The first thing he asked me was if I had missed him. I said yes of course. I don’t see the point in playing games. He said that he had thought at first that I had been avoiding him and maybe decided he was too much hassle. He hadn’t slept hardly again. I told the truth and said that Stella coming had been a welcome distraction because he was hurting me so badly and I was so tired of analysing each and every look, word and gesture. I suppose I sounded quite angry. I was though. He stood up and I thought he was going to head out the door, but he suddenly turned round and said:

‘I have decided….if you still want to….we should…just let our relationship go the way it wants…I should stop fighting it for the sake of your age, the distance and the fact that your parents are protective. It’s not right. I can’t see you as a friend any more. I think I am falling for you and I can’t do anything about it. So what do you think?’

That was when I found myself almost running to him. I flung myself at him, he thudded against the kitchen door frame and we both started laughing. I was also crying with happiness.

That was when Mum decided to walk in……………..

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