So I got back home from college at about 4pm and as I always do, I grabbed a coffee from the kitchen and ran upstairs to get to talk with Lee on Skype before he goes to work at 5. But Skype was OFF.

As regular readers (if you exist) of my blog would know, we NEVER switch Skype off and we like to leave it on all the times, including when we sleep. Yes, it’s fucking lame in some people’s eyes, but to us it isn’t because we have to WAIT 6 weeks at a time to see each other in the flesh. Skype off? Fuck off, man. Something had to be very wrong.

I called Lee and he was just on the bus coming up to the stop near the house. I told him Skype was down and he laughed. I was like, NO the fucking thing is DOWN, and he said he would go investigate asap and call me if it was busted or something. 10 minutes later PING and it’s back and there he is, sitting at his desk. I was like, WTF? He said SOMEONE must have gone into his room and switched it off, but he couldn’t find anyone home. I know Chloe spends a lot of time in Lee’s room, but she doesn’t go in there without prior permission. Annabelle is not allowed in there. For this I don’t know, but I’m sure full of glee about it. They must have had words about something lately because for trusting Lee to forbid anyone in his room is unheard of. I think he has started locking it as well because I hear a lachy noise when I am sitting waiting for him and he comes in. None of them locked their doors before except Annabitch. She’s a fucked up mess.

I know it was her who switched Skype off. But why? What’s the damage, bitch? He’s just going to switch it back on you dumbskull.

Anyway we talked as usual and I asked him if it could have been Annabelle. He said possibly but he trusts her not to enter, they made a deal. Why? I ask. Because he gets tired of her invading his space and she follows him around the house. I KNEW IT! She SO wants him! I was a whole gigantic bunch of RIGHT when I suspected that. Fuck. She went in his room today and switched it off!

I then mentioned the fact that I think she’s in love with him and he was like, no case, she isn’t. WHAT? Men are so fucking naive! What the holy of holy fucks?!!!!

How can I prove that she went in his room? How? Help? Anyone?

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I have just found this. I am going to download it and record EVERYTHING. I will find out who is sabotaging our private time!

http://www.pamela.biz/en/

 

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in the white noise

June 29, 2013

Lee is still in London. I feel like I am living in the white noise….unheard but still lingering

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The Community Arts project has finished and Lee and Annabelle are there together. God knows what they’re doing, but it pisses me off. I know that she hates going home to her parents in Gloucestershire because they are never around, a bit like mine really, but why does Lee prefer to be there with her than here with me?

He seems distant and I can’t get through to him. It’s like the Lee I used to know has gone. Every time I ask him when he’s coming home he gets tetchy and tries to change the subject. I spoke to Lisa yesterday and she’s well fed up too….he won’t talk to her either and they were so close. She reckons he is trying to avoid making the decision because he feels torn between his M&D. If he goes to his Dad’s then he’ll feel bad about her and his Mum but if he comes home he’ll feel bad for his Dad and that his Mum will have an extra mouth to feed.

Writing this has given me an idea. Dad mentioned that he wants me to do some work on reception at the surgery. Why don’t I suggest that Lee takes up the position instead? That would bring some cash in. His Mum cleans every morning for Dad there, so she will be able to give him a lift!

Then he might come home.

There are NO jobs around here. Let me put this into perspective.

There is my house and Lee’s house. We live exactly 3 minutes and 24 seconds apart (I know cos I have timed it!) and there is NOTHING else around here except woodland, a bus stop, an old graveyard and one winding country road that goes out of the hamlet towards the town where I go to college. Dad’s surgery is a renovated village hall that stands on this road just after you leave the hamlet. There are a few other hamlets and some villages around here, that’s why Dad took over the surgery, but no shops or ANYTHING.

Mum helps him out sometimes but Lee’s Mum is the only person that Dad employs right now and she cleans, as I said. He needs someone to answer the phone and book appointments etc. I was about to agree to do it in the mornings, cos quite frankly, me is BOREEEEEED and piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiissed off and needing some serious diversion from missing Lee and worrying my guts about what the actual fuck he is still doing with bitch face in London! I had an eureka moment with this as I made out I really didn’t want to…and bugged Dad for a compromise…which was….DRIVING LESSONS! And do you know what? He had agreed! Oh my GOD how I would love to own a frickin car and be able to get the sweet fuck out of here whenever I want!!!!

But I would rather be here with Lee than have driving lessons right now.

Oh….a text just came through.

”Hi beauty. Just to say that I will be back in my room at about 9 o’clock and I am staying in tonight. No shift. Hope you’ll be in as well. Need a long Skyper with you. Love you xx’

Aww. Ok. Where’s the Bitchabelle then? Ha that’s pretty cool! Bitchabelle!

That means in about an hour.

Right. I will go downstairs and talk to Dad about undoing our dealio about the driving lessons, and if Lee can do it instead. Then I can tell him!

Then sort out my fugly face ready to Skyper…..

Laterz 🙂

 

 

 

 

Patience

May 26, 2013

ImageWaaaaah!

So Lee is coming tomorrow. He has to finish his shift tonight and get his pay and then he is COMING!!! Thing is it’s not going to be a great week for him as his Dad is leaving on Wednesday to go start the job in Leeds. I am not sure whats going on but it sounds like he’s got a small flat there for the time being so they dont have to up and leave. Phew. Lee sounded a bit stressed last night (although it was 3am) so whether there’s more to all this than he’s telling me well, I don’t know…..

I know he needs a bit of space with his family but I hope to fucking god we get plenty of time together. D has gone to Thessaloniki which I am slittingly jealous about but I have to see Lee or I will simply lose the will to live.

So AS USUAL I’m trying to get my college work done before the arrival. Cos lets face factuals, I will not be thinking about it after today. I’m not now actually so its kinda fruitless. The sun is out and so should I be. Even though I generally prefer the misery of the rain, I am in a shockingly great mood!

Depressed…or just bored?

February 3, 2013

Ok so my last few posts have been morbid. I don’t want this one to be the same~ moaning, missing Lee, bored with life. The thing is I want to write amazing, interesting blogs, but when I get to the weekend and look back on the week I realise there’s nothing interesting to write! 

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I know I’m not a normal teenager. Last night, Saturday night, what did I do? I took Chester for a very long walk in the woods, got very wet, came back, washed him down, went upstairs, sat on my bed for ages staring outside at the tree tops listening to Veronica Falls, watched a documentary on YouTube about parallel universes, texted Lee (many many times), went downstairs and stole a glass of wine from the kitchen (M&D had dinner guests) watched some more stuff about Paranormal Investigations, watched American Horror Story (must blog about that at some point. Violet is ME. Her dad’s a Doctor, she’s an only child, grungy, moody, likes Morrissey, hangs out with ghosts in an old mansion house…) and then waited to skype Lee. Then remembered it was Saturday night and we don’t skype on Saturday night. Why? Well because he goes out with his art student buddies…..’nuff fucking said about that…another reason I hate Saturday nights…

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Violet

Called him. He didn’t answer.

Waited for the attic room to consume me in my jealousy and longing.

It didn’t. Unfortunately.

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I tried to write something here but I couldn’t even manage one single line.

I tried to write a list of things I love to cheer myself up. Here’s what I came up with:

  • Chester and our walks in the woods.
  • Skyping (with Lee and Stella)
  • Reading strange books. Eg Neil Gaiman, Clive Barker, Stephen King…
  • Watching documentaries about ghosts, parallel universes (a new interest of mine), social issues, asylums, criminals etc
  • Drawing and painting (subjects including above themes)
  • Listening to music. (Band names too many to mention)
  • Surfing the web to find ideas for clothes/outfits and upcycling
  • Going to charity shops and buying things…ie clothes that are made from amazing fabric to cut up for upcycling. (If I find a style that I like, for eg a blouse, I cut it up carefully along the seams and lay it out as pieces. Then I make patterns in the fabric I want that match exactly then sew them all together to make a new blouse. Get it? I might have to post a demo to show everyone.)

Things I want to do: (Not including all the ‘things’ I want to do with Lee!)

  • learn Greek. I am half Greek and my dad says he will teach me.
  • Go to Salonika. That’s where Dad is from and my grandparents that I don’t know live there. I will be able to talk to them if I learn Greek. (Kalimera is good morning. I remember cos my mum said ‘Kalamari’ instead which is squid!)
  • Have a bunch of 3 or 4 really good friends that come round and sit in my attic room, drinking wine and talking.
  • Join an URBEX group. (Urban Exploration~exploring abandoned buildings)
  • Do proper Paranormal Investigations (starting in my bathroom hahaha!)
  • Have the inspiration to paint more.
  • Learn to play violin (M&D have already said hell no!)

Ok so now I need to figure out how to inject some enthusiasm into my Sunday.

 

 

That Groundhog day feeling  is still gripping me. Here’s my life:

Lee

A few weeks ago I was miserable because I wanted Lee and I missed him. Now I am miserable because he’s my boy and I can’t touch him or make plans with him. At least he is borrowing his mate’s laptop so he can Skype with me now. We do it every night at about 10pm. The first night we did it I was totally transfixed to the screen. I couldn’t switch it off. Laugh if you like, but we left it on all night and slept. I woke up and all I could see on the screen was Lee’s hair and his arm. We had the laptops on our beds and had fallen asleep. I probably looked hideous, good job I woke up first! I am a little bit concerned about Annabelle. He has told me at least 3 times that there’s nothing going on but sorry I am miles and miles away, stuck in my attic, thinking. I saw her and how she was with him that day she came round here. Her body language sang out ‘Lee’s mine’. I am not being paranoid here. Men are so friggin stupid when it comes to the female race, they never think that certain behaviour might be a clever ploy to win them over. If I said to Lee that Annabelle wanted him he would laugh at me. I know she does and the ‘man troubles sob story’ she’s giving him doesn’t wash in my machine! I get so pissed off. Just the thought of him and her makes me raaaaaaaaaaaaage! He genuinely has fallen for me though. I can tell in his voice, the way he speaks to me, the way he stares at me on Skype. I can’t believe we didn’t get to kiss each other goodbye. That’s what he warned me about. I have to keep thinking, as much as I miss the ass off him, it’s better than just pretending to be friends. I just don’t see a future. I want him in it, but I can’t figure out how that’s going to work.

Day to day routine

My days consist of waking up very very early to walk Chester. It has been hideous the last few mornings. Windy and dark. Chester cheers me up though when his tail starts wagging. He’s always smiling!

I then text Lee his good morning message, have a shower and gussy up. I like listening to Paramore in the mornings. It gets me moving. I do the last bits and pieces of my college work needed for that day and sort out my bag. Text Lee some more. Then I take all my stuff down and join M&D for brekky. There’s always some kind of jibe about my hair or my clothes and sometimes a  massive argument. Trouble is, the more they tell me not to do something or wear something, the more I do….

Dad then drops me off at the bus stop and I meet Kate on it. She’s really my only mate here now. The only person who I can talk to. It takes us about half an hour to get to college and we grab a coffee in the canteen and chat until our form session starts. I hate form session cos Kate’s not in it and the others are basically morons. When we have debates and discussions they come out with the dumbest crap you could ever imagine. Really? You are all 17? What, 17 months maybe yes.

Then the rest of the day is about lessons. I LOVE Art lessons but I’m not feeling the Theatre Studies much. I was led to believe that it would involve more set design and costume design but it’s not so far. Also my English Lit course is doing my head in. We studied one decent book, that was a Thomas Hardy one, and the rest have been dull as shit on a stick. It’s difficult doing all this work. I have started doing even more in the evenings now as well to take my mind off Lee so imagine how the average Jo Blogs student must be handling it.

I plod on.

Paranormal Stuff

I haven’t written about this very much. I think it’s cos I’m scared that if I open myself up to it, it will become bigger and manifest itself more and more. I’m not frightened. In fact it fascinates me. It’s just that it’s a big deal at the moment and I can’t cope with it, the effort of trying to figure out what’s going on. I have seen three apparitions in my attic area. Two in the bathroom and one in front of the door. Now I have started hearing voices. Two nights ago I woke up to the sound of someone saying ‘Mum, mum, is that you?’  in my ear. I thought i must have dreamt it and I laid there just trying to recall my dream. I dream a lot. But I realised it wasn’t connected in any way to the dream I was having. My dad taking me up in a hot air balloon shaped like a garden shed over Tibet? No. Not connected! In the bathroom, where the presence is always strong, that morning I swear when I looked in the mirror it wasn’t my face. Similar, that’s why I didn’t catch on straight away, but not my face. What the heck?

Music

Of course Paramore! But I’ve been listening to the Levellers new album, ‘Static on the Airwaves.’ It’s pretty good. I love the fiddle combined with rock and their distinct irish folk flavour that kicks ass. They kick ass.