This was the point of the conversation last night when I realised I’m a fucking lame person and don’t even deserve to have Lee as a boyfriend. I think we’re over.

I am sitting in the living room on my own. Anna has been in, Chloe and Joel but no Simon and no Lee. I don’t even know how this whole shabang-fuck started, only that one minute I thought my life was a mess but sortable and the next, literally within that space of time when I ate a snack and they came in, it was irretrievably shredded beyond recognition.

Simon must have told Lee we slept together.

Mr Truth has spoken. I mean we can all sit there and fucking go ”Honesty is the best policy…..we learn from our mistakes….” blarg blarg, but when it comes to it, do we REALLY tell the truth? NO! Except Simon does, obviously. What MOTIVE has he got for doing this? He told me after we’d indulged in our mutual lust that he felt better, he’d ‘got it out of his system’ and no one ever needed to find out. I was very ok with that, especially after being ragged on about Richard. Lee took that so well, but I doubted that shagging his best mate in OUR bed would have the same zen effect! I was so right.

So yesterday they (Lee & Si) walked into the kitchen where I was perched precariously on a bar stool, me in my pyjama bottoms with stupid red hearts all over them and rips in them..feeling battered enough, but Lee’s face looked like it had been hit with a lead shovel. his eyes were wide like he was in shock, (well he was I guess), and Simon skulked off upstairs, the fucking yellow coward. He pushed the bags of food onto the counter top and stood there with his back to me for ages, not speaking or moving. When Lee doesn’t speak, you know something catastrophic has happened. I asked what was up and he didn’t move, but I could tell he kept rubbing his hands on his eyes. I think he was crying.

He turned eventually and grabbed my hand, leading me too fast up the two flights. I needed my inhaler when I got to the bedroom and he just swiped his hand towards me as if to say hurry up and just inhale. I did, trying to drag it out. I wanted to get my thoughts together. Rows with Lee are never just structureless yell-fests, they are like university professors having a debate over a midnight brandy.

Then he asked it. “Have you slept with anyone else apart from Richard?”

I retaliated immediately, which was stupid cos it made it obvious I was on the defence.

“I didn’t sleep with Richard.”

I sounded like I was trying to gain points, I could feel my mouth smiling at him as if I had won. I knew it wasn’t a competition but I am childish and puerile. I haven’t learned a single fucking thing from being with him for two years. idiot.

He told me not to be so clever. That he was hurt beyond pain. A kiss and a grope was one thing, but sleeping together?

I decided there and then that I would just deny everything. My usual tack. My usual selfish approach to relationship issue solving. Bravo.

“No I haven’t, Lee. Why would I?”

He then LAUGHED.

“Ok, Casey.” he said, shaking his head in disbelief. I honestly thought this was all a joke and he’d go “GOT YA!” and attack my ribs with his guitar strumming fingers like he always did when he’d managed to verbally prank me. But he sat down on the bed and put his head in his hands. I was appalled when I noticed he was rocking slightly too. I wanted to run but my legs wouldn’t move. My feet felt like molten lead in the carpet.

“Look, I know you have. Please just let’s be honest about this or we can’t get past it, ever. For ONCE in our relationship, admit you fucked up! It’s not hard, I mean I already know. Just say it!”

He was really pissed.

I shook my head and adopted the best astonished and ‘how could you even think I’d do that to you’ face. As if I had the right to be offended.

“How do you know? Who told you?”

Childish Casey. What was the point of that? As if it mattered who told him. He was asking a question, he was begging for honesty and I couldn’t do it. It was because I didn’t want us to split up. I love him.

But it’s not going to keep him loving me either is it? Either way I lose. Might as well have just said it……..

“I didn’t Lee. I love you.

“Then why are you lying, AGAIN?”

“I’m not, I’m telling you Richard was a mistake! There was only ever him, now it’s over, I told you that! Please Lee!”

I was shouting louder than ten decibels of Lee. And I was the one in the wrong. I was being so transparent, I knew I was pushing our love over the edge of the suicide cliff, but I couldn’t stop.

Lee was staring at his converses. Silence pervaded. The room closed in on me.

“if you are lying to me, we are so over. Please think long and hard about this Casey. I love you so much. We have been through so much. Don’t let us go, please don’t.”

Silence again.

I could have just admitted it. He was more or less telling me that he might be able to forgive. A voice in my head was going, ‘Tell him about Simon, be strong, be brave, be like Simon. BE TRUE TO YOURSELF.’ We had things to discuss, I wasn’t happy…this could be the pivotal point that projected us into a higher realm of contentment and closeness….and I wanted that, deep down I knew I loved Lee…the others were flings, lust versus love. Or did I really want to stay with Lee, domestic bliss, babies, marriage? Maybe Simon is the one? Excitement, new experiences, exploring boundaries of our dark sides, living in art…it made my heart sing. Had he told Lee because he wanted that with me? Had he begged Lee to let me go? Was he so sure that we were perfect together?

This thought was still swirling around my head and piercing my heart when Lee said it.

“So, I’ll ask you again…………”

download

Advertisements

Lee is still in London with Chloe. He is being fine with me, which is more than I deserve after what I’ve done, but I just don’t get WHY he had to go there! He could have gone to his Dad in Leeds. But Chloe? I am deathly paranoid now because she did admit her feelings and he was genuinely shocked, but I sense that he has been thinking about things a lot lately and whether he would be happier with her. I mean he always spoke of her as his closest friend. They are very very similar in character, both quiet and introverted, but with fire in their bellies when they need it. She’s a Wiccan and Lee has always loved the Old Religions and Cultures. He’s more of a Buddhist though….but he finds her practices fascinating. They are both Sensitive to the point of ridiculous as well and they always retreated to one another when things got tough…Yes, he’d talk to me, but the difference was, Chloe could make him feel better whereas our relationship has always been one sided as though Lee is in it to save me. I never understood what he saw in me, what I ever brought to the table. Jesus, I’m depressed.

And then there’s the point that I have been making out with another guy for approximately 2 months behind Lee’s back. It doesn’t seem to salvage anything when I remind him that I didn’t sleep with him. Lee, being Lee has already forgiven me. He didn’t even get pissed, he just went quiet for a few days and then asked me why I needed to do that with another guy, was there something missing from our relationship? Did he not pay me enough attention? He made me want to scream…………..because this…this MARRIAGE like thing we’ve got is so fucking DULL! ‘let’s talk it through, let’s get to the root of the issue.’ NO I DON’T WANT TO, I JUST WANT TO LIVE! DO STUFF WITHOUT HAVING TO ANALYSE IT!

That’s why I slept with Simon i guess. I saw an Oscar Wilde quote scrawled on his bedroom wall one afternoon when we were sat in there, all of us, when the electric went out. Simon had candles and Lee and him jammed on guitars for hours until suddenly the lights came back on. Chloe and Anna were asleep. I noticed it then in the glare of the stark lamp on his bedside table:

“The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. Resist it, and your soul grows sick with longing for the things it has forbidden to itself, with desire for what its monstrous laws have made monstrous and unlawful.”

I became a little bit obsessive about Simon from that moment on as he was the answer to my longings. Little did I know he’d grown sick with longing for me. But that’s another blog post.

Finally, the ever-decreasing endless issue of KIDS that somehow won’t lie down and let us live in peace. I am 18 for fuck’s sake, not 38. Why does everything around us have to keep prodding and picking at that wound we made bleed when we first got together? The one where he says he wants kids and to be married by the time he’s 25…and I say I don’t care about marriage and I don’t want to sprog..there are enough kids in this world without homes and food…why add to it? I find the whole idea of childbirth repulsive and the thought of babies repugnant. I am not a mother! Chloe is though isn’t she.

Perfect.

Untitled

August 16, 2015

I feel like I’m right back where I was a year ago, staring blankly at my laptop screen, thinking how to start writing, how to possibly convey all the turmoil going on inside me. But I’m not that girl anymore, am I? My attic room seems so childish and naive as I sit here, my old artwork strewn across the desk, remnants of my A Levels back in the Spring of last year when my whole life was stretching out its excited hand to pull me off over the horizon.

Yeh, so here I am, back ‘home’. Three weeks to go and I don’t even know if Lee’s gonna come back after the row we had yesterday. Shit….it makes me feel sick every time I think about it. It was the worst one yet, one where Lee doesn’t shout, which is when I know he’s raging. To be honest I didn’t think we’d come. I thought lee and I would end up staying in London all Summer. I have got my place at Uni to do a degree in 3D Design and Theatre. I should be happy, right? I would be if Lee hadn’t gone back to London last night to see fucking Chloe. To ‘get my head sorted’ he said.

To briefly (as possible) summarise. My Foundation year has been AMAZING, I mean I’ve made some great friends (still are friends) and I feel like my whole creative world has opened up for me. I know who I am artistically and where i want to go with it. That’s all perfect. It’s what happened in the Feral House that fucked everything up. Chloe wasn’t kidding when she gave it that name. I think it’s cursed.

Everything was hazy and crazy for the first few months. We would spend a lot of time in our room and no-one would disturb us, aside from Chloe’s weird humming in the next room with her meditation and Annabitch’s obvious loitering habit outside our door. (I knew when she was there. There was a black shadow under the door. We are on the top floor where the floors are all uneven and so there are gaping spaces under our door, Chloe’s door and the toilet door. I could see her. Pervo. Lee didn’t believe me so I just thought fuck it.) Then, I started to get the feeling that the others were giving Lee shit, especially Simon, because he started getting touchy when I suggested we go upstairs straight after our communal meal in the evening or after we’d all slouched on the sofas and vegged, nursing hangovers on a Saturday and Sunday. Excuses; I’ve got to talk to Simon about something, Chloe needs help with her Essay, Anna wants me to go to Sainsburys with her…just lameness. So I started going round to my mate Fern’s house after Uni to shake it all up a bit, you know, make Lee wonder where I was, make him feel sorry. I genuinely like Fern, by the way, she’s straight up, no shit and rebellious. We’d sit drinking coffee out of chipped mugs in her huge kitchen overlooking a wild garden that had started pushing its way in through the crack in the frame of the decrepit sliding doors. Then we’d start on the wine. She always had some in the house…there were empties lining up the floors and windowsills with every kind of candle you can imagine. She’s only got one other house mate and his name is Richard Wade. Wadey from kent.

Now this Wadey person at first didn’t really take much notice of us as we sat at the table smoking and heaving with drunken hysteria at 4 o’clock most afternoons. She said he kept himself to himself and seemed to prefer hanging out with his mates in the Hall of ‘Rez’. She was fine with it, more of the house to herself, but she admitted that he was funny and wished he’d be around more. As it happened, so did I.

He was (is) tall and lanky with long mousy- coloured hair that he sometimes wears up in a man-bun which shows the shaved underneath vulnerability of his neck. I could always hear him coming in cos he wore (wears!) dark red Docs with holes gaping at the sides so his feet make a farting noise as he walks. His grin was (is) infectious. He’s got kind green eyes and a nice nose. And he’s studying Sculpture. From the moment he told me that I couldn’t stop staring at his hands, his long boney fingers, imagining scenes from Ghost. Sad cow.

I flirted a lot with him those first few days. I couldn’t help it. lee had started spending more and more time with his mates, so I thought myself perfectly justified in hanging out with mine. The only thing I didn’t admit readily was that I didn’t just want to be friends with Wadey. So anyway, one evening he came in early, we hadn’t even started wining it up yet. He asked us if we wanted to go out, his band was playing in a club in Brixton. So we did. I called Lee and asked him if he’d like to come, (just to be nice, I knew he wouldn’t) and said I’d be home later. Anyways, we had a right laugh with Wades and his band was cool. We got to stand right at the front and he kept looking at me through the haze of light and smiling. Fern was taking the piss out of me. I was glad she hadn’t met Lee cos she probs would have been lecturing me about how I shouldn’t be cheating on such a lovely guy. Yeh, I know………

So at the end, we waited until he’d packed up and he suggested going to the Halls and hanging out with the others. Fern had never been so we said ok. I texted Lee like a good girlfriend and told him not to bother waiting up. ‘Have fun babes and take care.’ he answered. Why can’t he ever be fucking jealous?

So off we went in a cab. The Rez was pounding when we got there and there were people everywhere. Good music was playing and I was well in the mood to dance and party, (we rarely do it in our house, boring twats the lot of them!) I can’t really remember much about the people I was introduced to, mainly cos I was stuck to Wades for dear life just wanting to talk to him. There were several painful segments whereby I remember sitting in corners and on the edge of beds, knocking back some sort of alcoholic beverage (having given up waiting for someone to come up to me and offer me top ups, I’d just gone on the search for any old half drunk plastic pint glass of whatever) while searching the area in vain for Wadesy. I lost Fern on many occasions and saw her a few times through my drunken wobbly brain, hanging around the neck of some short ass guy with Afro hair and a tie dye t-shirt down to his knees. I kept thinking every guy that smiled at me or bumped into me was Wadesy and then when the edge of the bed tipped dangerously near to the floor and I almost followed, I realised it really was Wadesy. He had crashed back on the bed laughing. I stared at his knees sticking up through his grey jeans for what seemed like ages, not knowing what to say. I forced my face to smile so at least if and when I did speak, I’d sound like I was having fun.

He asked me if I was ok. I said yes. He asked if I was having fun. I said yes. Then he asked me if I was tired. I was. I really really was. It was then I realised that the deafening hum of laughter and music had dyed down and the room was darker. I asked him what time it was and he didn’t answer for ages so I thought he was asleep. Where the hell was Fern? I asked him if he’s seen her, not expecting him to answer but he did. He said, yawning and stretching out his long body, that he had. She was asleep next door with Hayden. Yes, he said, the one with the crazy Afro.

Then he said it was 4am and I’d have to stay with him. With him? In this room, whose bed it belonged to was a mystery and could at any time walk in on us? No! It was one thing flirting, but sharing this single bed? Was this really what I wanted to do? Drunk? Wadesy was (is!) gorgeous but….I stood up and said I’d better go and could he tell me the number for a cab? He was a bit shocked but sat up and grabbed his phone from his back pocket and started dialling. I remembered mine and had a look, expecting there to be loads of missed calls but no. Not even a text. Thanks Lee.

He told the cabby where I wanted to go and sat there smiling at me. I was very tempted right there to just say fuck it, I’ll stay, but there was a nagging voice in the back of my mind…eating away at me. We walked down stairs, past people slumped in their doorways, some people cuddled up on communal sofas. soft music still echoing around. The big glass doors at the front exposed pre-dawn light that looked blue in the tint of the security doors. He stood there and I wanted to hug him.He was (is!) like a familiar old teddy bear from childhood, one that you used for comfort. That’s what he was, a comfort care bear. Then he hugged me. Cigarettes, floral laundry powder, musky deodorant and something else…something spicy enveloped me. He asked me if I’d be ok, I said yes. I asked him to come back with me to Fern’s but he said he’d promised to go with his mate Pikey in the morning to the Basketball Court for training so it was silly to go all the way back. He let me go and I dug around for my phone ready to give him my number (why? Because I just…I don’t know) and it was then I realised I hadn’t come in contact with my door keys. They usually pissed me off by jamming my hand as I delved into my bag for something. Then I felt my legs go as I realised the keys weren’t in my bag. I knew where they were as well. On the marble-top table in the hallway at home. Oh shit.

I told Wadesy and he hit his forehead with his palm. He grabbed my hand and lead me back towards the room. I didn’t have a choice, right?

London~ how it was

February 3, 2014

Boom! What a fucking awesome weekend I had. It started when Lee arrived with Joel last Thursday evening and we all stayed up stupid late watching horror films and snuggled up. Lee fell asleep on me a few times, but I didn’t mind at all, I was over the frickin moon just to have him beside me, all squished.

We left at 1:30am and Lee wanted to walk me home, even though it’s only a few minutes walk. The house was a whole lot of quiet so Lee just crept upstairs with me and we spent another few hours in passionate sexual bliss!

Luckily he woke up at 6am cos we hadn’t set the bloody alarm…close, real close.

I went to college but decided to leave at lunchtime cos I was knaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaackered and couldn’t keep my eyes open. I fell asleep on the bus and nearly missed my stop. Duh. I didn’t text Lee, just crawled into bed and fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. I woke up at 4:30 when Mum came back. I heard Chester barking.

Anyway, we set off about 6 and Mum and Dad seemed weird. They were eyeing Lee closely when he was taking my bag to the car and Dad embarrassingly had to say ‘Look after Casey.’ No, he’s gonna drown me after subjecting my body and soul to endless hours of necrofilia! Man….lame. Tediously lame.

Freedom!

We bombed it down the motorway with some great tunes blasting out, although Joel likes his indie stuff more than rock and metal and we kept digging him for that. He kept trying to play us some 90s bands like…er…I can’t remember…Inspiral Carpets? eh something like that, and Primal Scream. Those two are the only ones I remember. I’m not that into it, but I like one particular track:

It kinda encompasses the mood of the whole weekend!

So it was a 4 hour car drive but it went really fast, we were all enjoying ripping the shit out of Joel and his bizarre indie tastes! We pulled up outside the student house in Tottenham. It was in a square with a fucked up church in the middle, all overgrown. The house loomed over us like a gothic cloud. Four stories of pure shambles. I loved it. The front door was up a flight of stone steps that had worn away over the years. There were still those mosaic tiles in the entrance, some of them had fallen off and lay crumbled on the floor, some others had been kicked into the front ‘garden’. It was amazing inside, one bedroom at the front, Chloe’s (but she was at work) and then through the long corridor the kitchen and the rickety old wooden stairs. Lee’s room is on the third floor with Joel’s and Annabitch has got the attic. There are two bathroom, one on Lee’s level and one toilet downstairs.

I went straight to Lee’s room to put my bags in there. Claimed! Annabitch didn’t seem to be around. Good. I hoped she didn’t appear at all. Of course she did, but I digress.

It was cold and dark so we all congregated in the kitchen with the massive old wooden table that had a broken leg and thy had put a couple of magazines under the foot to balance it. The table was the only object in that kitchen that didn’t have things strewn all over it. Pans, plates, food, bread, wine bottles….all over the worktops. Oh I wished I lived there! The table was clean and only had a candle in the middle of it in a big cut glass pink plate that contained loads of bits of paper. Apparently that is where they put messages to each other. On the top was a torn in half sticky note that said ‘Buy bread you twats, love Joel’ on it. Ha.

We had toast, so someone had bought the bread, and then we went into the living room which was on the other side of the kitchen area. A massive sofa, two tatty but oh so comfy looking armchairs, a huge patchwork rug that had holes in, a massive wall length bookcase FULL of books and art stuff and a flat screen TV. Apparently Joel’s.

We all sat there and got slowly pissed. I was tired but so happy and kind of surreal. I was away from my Nazis and in this massive bohemian palace, the sound of traffic outside, rushing by, police sirens wailing every so often, people outside laughing and shouting. It was ALIVE.

We went up to bed soooo late. Me and Lee just snuggled under the duvet and fell into long blissful sleep. I woke up a few times with a headache but couldn’t remember where the hell the bathroom was so just went back to sleep, Lee clinging to me. The single bad was cosy, man. I miss it.

We woke up at about 10am and I felt like shit. Lee went and got us some water, coffee and toast.. It was ace to sit up in bed and watch silly stuff on TV while we ate and laughed. Joel kept tapping on our door but Lee warned him away and he pushed a note under the door to call us ass clowns. Nice. Hahaha.

I had a shower. While I was in there I heard Lee talking to someone outside the door, saying that I was in there. A girl’s voice I recognised, Annabitch was there. I didn’t want to see that fucking bitch, so listened outside the door til she had gone and slipped back into the haven of Lee’s room.

Later on we went for a walk around Tottenham and then caught the tube into Camden Market, I had been there before with Dad, but it was even cooler than I remembered. Lee bought me a cool American Indian type tshirt with a symbol of freedom on it. I bought some rings and bracelets. I gave one to Lee, it looked good on him, Bronze with celtic patterns on.

We went to get a snack in a pub called The Hawley Arms. Awesome vegetarian and vegan options. Joel started taking the piss out of me and Lee but however hard he tried, he couldn’t catch me out. I have spent too many years arguing my points with ignorant twats! He LOST badly!

Me and Lisa had all day tube tickets and the guys had Oyster Cards so we decided to go to a few places around the centre, but not Oxford Street or any heaving nightmare places. We went to Atlantis European in Whitehall, which is like a MASSIVE artist’s emporium of delights! Lee needed some supplies and I bought a few odds and ends too. We then found an exquisite old market and I bought a gorgeous indian blouse for 50p!

I took some cracking photos in Whitechapel. I googled all the places where Jack the Ripper’s victims were found. Joel thought I was grim. I thought he was a douche. Hahaha. We went in the art gallery but we didn’t rate the stuff hanging in there.

Our hangovers starting getting the better of us so we went back to Tottenham. The walk from the tube station seemed soooooooooo long. Lee said that London is the most tiring city EVER to live in. When you are tired, like most of the time, everything seems huge, crowded and too far away. I get that but I still love it.

We slept for a bit when we got back. I saw Annabitch in the kitchen and she tried a smile. I didn’t bother cos I’m not a hypocrite. Chloe joined us in the living room. She seemed ok, quiet but sweet. Maybe a bit too sickly sweet for me. Annabelle sat in for a while and glared at me when she thought no one was looking her way. Lee went out when she did and they were talking in the kitchen. Awkward. Lisa tried to keep me talking until Lee came back. Distracting me?

Then we planned our moves for the evening. The guys discussed which pubs would be best and nearest. Our tube tickets lasted up til midnight but obviously we would be out later. We decided to get a cab back, but not go too far. Taxi are heaped up expensive apparently. Annabelle declared she wanted to come out with us which apart from pissing me off no end, made it difficult as we would need 2 taxis. Chloe managed to persuade her to stay in and watch some DVDs with her. Thanks Chloe! Chloe seems to sense how I feel about her.

So we got ready. I wore black. Lee loved my look. I loved Lee’s look. I could have stayed in and ravished him but the plan was to go out….hahaha.

So to shorten this part of the story. I got pissed as a fart AGAIN and posted some stupid shit on facebook via my phone while in the toilet of The Crobar in Tottenham, Lisa threw up in there and missed the loo bowl. Foul. But funny.

We also went to Garlic and Shots which is a goth/metal/rock pub like The Crowbar. Amazing. Of course Joel wanted to go to some Indie pubs but there weren’t any around there apart from The Good Ship but it was heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaving.

I don’t remember much of the rest! Just Lee telling me to stop smoking so many fags and Lee getting a bit pissed off with a guy who was trying to look too closely at my pentagram, LOL! I don’t know who I was smoking with but I must have been outside as it’s clearly forbidden inside pubs. I had loads of tobacco left on sunday so someone must have given me their fags. Joel? Maybe.

Sunday. Well. It was hell to wake up to but we found a cure and didn’t surface from the bed room until about 2pm when we had food and a shower, needing to get sorted so that Joel could take us back later on. And the rest you’all can imagine. The deathly blanket of silence as we left the tangle and hustle of London and back into the slow twirl of the countryside and the quiet. Boring. Listless. Lonely…………

What a weekend. I have felt dead since I got back here. I see Lee’s room on Skype and it feels nice that I have spent time in there, like it’s now OUR room, but frankly I AM NOT THERE so it SUCKS. 😦

oh my days

October 13, 2013

Ok so Dad decided to NOT pay for the internet connection AGAIN. Excuse me but whatever we fight and scream at each other about, surely he has to realise that HE dragged me here to live in this wilderness of doom, with like 3 buses going out to town per day ONLY and NO buddies to hang out with because he won’t let me learn to drive…because I won’t work for him at the surgery….because Mum has laid down all these new rules and regs about what I have to do to earn my independence and I haven’t got time to do everything………..

Can you see how all this shit is woven into multi layers of crap?

So. If I AGREE to work at the surgery, Dad will pay for driving lessons and buy me a second hand car when I’ve passed my test. All well and GOOD but….

He wants me to work there 8:30am to 12:30 on Saturdays. Then I will go home and have lunch before Mum drives me to town to go to ASDAs because I have to buy my own food to cook nowadays. Fine, but as I explained in previous rant, Mum likes to spend about 3 hours roaming around ASDAs looking for ‘bargains’ whereas I plan ahead and just go chuck, chuck,chuck and to the cashier. I am always stood there in the entrance waiting for her like a complete dork. She always manages to meet people and have gossip time which adds at least another 40 minutes to the proceedings and my dork time.

So we’re talking like …getting back at 3:30-4pm. Then it’s time for me to do my chores like cleaning my room (pfff) and doing laundry. She seems to have a tally system and knows when I last washed my bedding and underwear cos she’s always on my case about it. Then I cook my dinner,eat and go straight upstairs quick to skype with Lee face before he goes to work. GREEEEAAAAAT saturday!

So that leaves me Sunday to do all my college work and indulge my hobbies. NOT ENOUGH TIME.

To be honest I don’t get up on a Saturday morning much before 12 so theoretically I COULD go and work but…I AM EXHAUSTED!!! I need that lye in…

What can I do? Circle of doom!

I try to do all my college crap during the week but Lee doesn’t work at the bar week nights so we end up skyping most of the evening. When else could I talk to him?????? It’s bad enough already that I never see him,let alone having to ration my skyping.

My dad doesn’t know but I figured out how to get wi-fi from my phone so I connected it to my laptop. Ha! I bet he doesn’t know he can do that…he uses internet for his medical research and keeps making sure I know that he is suffering from my self absorbed attitude as well as me. But now I’m not.

Yeh so nothing really changes in the land of Casey. I have rationalised my terrible jealous streak aimed at Annabitch and all the other female enemies living in Lee’s halls with him. Well, I think I have. She hasn’t done anything to majorly piss me off lately, unless Lee is deliberately not talking about her cos he knows I will kick off.

Oh yeh. Lee’s friend Chloe wants to skype with me. Lee told her about my haunted bathroom and she is also into paranormal stuff and claims to be able to do rituals that allow spirits to ‘cross over’ to the spirit realm and find peace. lee doesn’t really believe her but I will be talking to her when she gets a lap top. She’s also a Fine Art student and her Mum is French (useless fact!) so she might be an interesting person to get to know. You know what I’m like though….I don’t usually take to girls as mates, only if they are not too ‘girlie’ and have a brain.

We shall see….

Sorry for the boring post, but NOTHING exciting ever happens! It’s half term soon though so MAYBE I’ll be graced with a certain sexy man’s presence……..

Favourite song at the moment:

And when is AMERICAN HORROR STORY COVEN coming to UK?

I suddenly realised that I didn’t post about what happened with Annabelle.

Well, to cut a long story short, I didn’t get to spend any decent time with Lee on his own after the embrace that Mum walked in on. Can you fucking believe it, after all that time during Christmas hols!! Annabelle arrived and Stella stayed to give me moral support so it was back to being ‘friends’ again and pretending after almost being unable to convince my mum again that there was nothing going on…except that of course Stella knew everything.……

So after that day when Annabelle arrived, Lee was texting me like EVERY hour to ask how I was and when I could come round. I really had this fear inside me of meeting her. I had this image of a tall, strikingly beautiful and stylishly alternative girl that I would never be able to compete with…and once I saw her I would suffer forever when Lee was in London with her. So I put off going there. I made some lame excuse about Stella needing me and although I hated it with a passion as I was desperate to see him again, I managed to stay away.

Then two days after, they came round.

Oh God. Mum called me downstairs and there they were. And she was EXACTLY how I imagined she would be. Dressed in all black with this amazing blue mop of dread locked hair. Tall, so very tall. And sophisticated in a grungy way.

We stared at each other for what seemed like ages. They seemed to fit together somehow like they were held in photo time lapse by a invisible camera. Lee said Hi and snapped me out of my weird state of abstract contemplation. Annabelle smiled but her eyes didn’t. You know what I mean? Was it my imagination or did she ease herself a little closer to Lee? Their arms were so close it looked like they were siamese twins. Joined. I knew I was staring at strange places but my brain couldn’t take it all in. I couldn’t look her in the eyes. Striking goth eyes.

I felt like a small rabbit caught in some very threatening car headlights. I tried to look at them, Lee shifted onto his other leg and cleared his throat. Then she started moving towards me and I saw her jingly bangled arm stretch out, her fingers full of thick rings that seemed way too heavy for those delicate fingers. I mentally shook myself and looked her in the eye, shook her hand and said ‘Nice to meet you Annabelle.’ Then it was her who couldn’t look me in the eye. Fake.

She shook hands with Stella then and I smelt a strange waft of a dark perfume and heard that jangle of bracelets as she moved back towards Lee. Stella broke the ice by suggesting we go into the living room and she kind of guided Annabelle through, leaving me and Lee behind them. I immediately felt his slightly cold hand grab mine and squeeze, My heart jumped. Then I felt Lee pulling me back into the kitchen and I turned to see him grinning at me like a loony. Mum wasn’t in there thank god because he grabbed me round the waist and hugged me, whispering in my ear that he had missed me like crazy. Then we kissed. Ohhhhhhhhhhh maaaaaaaaaaaaaaan.

I had to stop it because I was vaguely away that Annabelle and Stella were in the living room on their own. I admit I didn’t really give a shit, but it was a bit rude even for me! He held me for a few amazing seconds more and said that he didn’t know if we would get another chance to do this before he left so he wanted to make the most of it. I would have happily stayed there all night.

We walked in to the living room and Stella and Annabelle were chatting away as if they had known each other for years. That’s Stella for you. I don’t know how she does it with people. I guess she didn’t feel as fucking nervous and edgy around her as I did. She didn’t have much to lose. We sat down together on the two seater and Lee tried to twirl his fingers around mine but I was too conscious of whether Mum was around or not. Jesus, imagine that, her walking in on our little hand wrestling match! It was dodgy enough us sitting so cosy on the sofa together….

The rest of the hour or so was ok. I didn’t really talk directly to Annabelle, just to Lee and Stella. My boy and best bud seemed to get on so I was pleased with that. At one point, lee got up to go to the loo and Mum appeared in the doorway offering tea or coffee. How lucky was that. Fuck.. it was then that Annabelle did actually ask me a question. Whether me and Lee were actually together. Didn’t he TELL her? I just smiled and said yes. She smiled back, but I sensed something. She didn’t seem happy about it that’s one thing for sure. Stella, on the other hand, yelled out ‘Yay!’ and came over and threw herself at me, nearly head butting me! Then lee came back and Annabelle said she thought they should be heading back. What…at 9:30? Lee looked at me and tried to show me his apologetic face, but I wasn’t looking. Gutted. She stood up and jangled a lot. The perfume wafted again and I felt a bit sick.

Stella glanced at me and shrugged so we stood up and walked back into the kitchen towards the back door. They said goodbye to Mum and Dad who were drinking tea in there and we stood out in the yard. I wanted Lee for another hug and just wanted Annabelle to fuck off and let us be. Stella ushered her forward and said something I didn’t hear. Lee grabbed my hand again and said he would try and see me before they went back. We managed a little kiss but there wasn’t chance and it was too near the kitchen window. He said he would call and text when he was in bed (grrrrrrrrrrrumf!) and winked before turning away and walking towards the others. Annabelle said Goodbye and that it was nice to meet me and they walked off. Down the path and disappeared through the gate into the darkness. Stella just said fuck me and put her arm round me, dragging me back indoors. She helped herself to a cuppa and sat down with M&D. i didn’t want her to do that, I just wanted to go upstairs and sit and analyse what had just happened and what she thought Annabelle’s game was. I was dying to ask her what she thought of her! But no, the cow sat there. Dad said ‘Lee’s girlfriend seems nice’ and I just almost fell on the floor. Stella nearly choked on her tea and had to pretend to laugh to hide it.

Silence. What the hell? I hadn’t expected him to think that, but really, why wouldn’t he?

Then Stella. Oh Fucks sake. She said ‘Yes, we like her too. She’s awesome.’

Noooooooooooooooooooooo!

Stella was grinning at me while trying to hide the fact from M&D that she was pissing herself laughing into her cup.

Later on upstairs, after I had bollocked her, she explained that it was good that they thought Annabelle was Lee’s girlfriend. I realised what she meant. It took the heat off me and lee. Of course!

Stella genuinely likes Annabelle. Yes, you read that correctly. I tried to explain that she seemed fake and that she never spoke to me except to ask if me and Lee were together. Stella, always the one who sees both sides of things reckons it’s because she felt threatened by me. I don’t think so. I think she wants Lee for herself and I am her competition. Why did she want to leave at chuffin 9:30? No. I love Stella’s diplomacy but she’s is wrong. Annabelle has got an agenda and that feeling is from my gut. I always trust my instinct about people.

Of course to lee, I said all nice things about Annabelle. Stella was right about one thing. The worse thing I could have done would be to slag her off to lee. I don’t want to be the bitch here. I will go along with it for Lee, but she is being watched. Very closely.