August 17, 2015
Lee is still in London with Chloe. He is being fine with me, which is more than I deserve after what I’ve done, but I just don’t get WHY he had to go there! He could have gone to his Dad in Leeds. But Chloe? I am deathly paranoid now because she did admit her feelings and he was genuinely shocked, but I sense that he has been thinking about things a lot lately and whether he would be happier with her. I mean he always spoke of her as his closest friend. They are very very similar in character, both quiet and introverted, but with fire in their bellies when they need it. She’s a Wiccan and Lee has always loved the Old Religions and Cultures. He’s more of a Buddhist though….but he finds her practices fascinating. They are both Sensitive to the point of ridiculous as well and they always retreated to one another when things got tough…Yes, he’d talk to me, but the difference was, Chloe could make him feel better whereas our relationship has always been one sided as though Lee is in it to save me. I never understood what he saw in me, what I ever brought to the table. Jesus, I’m depressed.
And then there’s the point that I have been making out with another guy for approximately 2 months behind Lee’s back. It doesn’t seem to salvage anything when I remind him that I didn’t sleep with him. Lee, being Lee has already forgiven me. He didn’t even get pissed, he just went quiet for a few days and then asked me why I needed to do that with another guy, was there something missing from our relationship? Did he not pay me enough attention? He made me want to scream…………..because this…this MARRIAGE like thing we’ve got is so fucking DULL! ‘let’s talk it through, let’s get to the root of the issue.’ NO I DON’T WANT TO, I JUST WANT TO LIVE! DO STUFF WITHOUT HAVING TO ANALYSE IT!
That’s why I slept with Simon i guess. I saw an Oscar Wilde quote scrawled on his bedroom wall one afternoon when we were sat in there, all of us, when the electric went out. Simon had candles and Lee and him jammed on guitars for hours until suddenly the lights came back on. Chloe and Anna were asleep. I noticed it then in the glare of the stark lamp on his bedside table:
“The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. Resist it, and your soul grows sick with longing for the things it has forbidden to itself, with desire for what its monstrous laws have made monstrous and unlawful.”
I became a little bit obsessive about Simon from that moment on as he was the answer to my longings. Little did I know he’d grown sick with longing for me. But that’s another blog post.
Finally, the ever-decreasing endless issue of KIDS that somehow won’t lie down and let us live in peace. I am 18 for fuck’s sake, not 38. Why does everything around us have to keep prodding and picking at that wound we made bleed when we first got together? The one where he says he wants kids and to be married by the time he’s 25…and I say I don’t care about marriage and I don’t want to sprog..there are enough kids in this world without homes and food…why add to it? I find the whole idea of childbirth repulsive and the thought of babies repugnant. I am not a mother! Chloe is though isn’t she.
February 3, 2014
Boom! What a fucking awesome weekend I had. It started when Lee arrived with Joel last Thursday evening and we all stayed up stupid late watching horror films and snuggled up. Lee fell asleep on me a few times, but I didn’t mind at all, I was over the frickin moon just to have him beside me, all squished.
We left at 1:30am and Lee wanted to walk me home, even though it’s only a few minutes walk. The house was a whole lot of quiet so Lee just crept upstairs with me and we spent another few hours in passionate sexual bliss!
Luckily he woke up at 6am cos we hadn’t set the bloody alarm…close, real close.
I went to college but decided to leave at lunchtime cos I was knaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaackered and couldn’t keep my eyes open. I fell asleep on the bus and nearly missed my stop. Duh. I didn’t text Lee, just crawled into bed and fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. I woke up at 4:30 when Mum came back. I heard Chester barking.
Anyway, we set off about 6 and Mum and Dad seemed weird. They were eyeing Lee closely when he was taking my bag to the car and Dad embarrassingly had to say ‘Look after Casey.’ No, he’s gonna drown me after subjecting my body and soul to endless hours of necrofilia! Man….lame. Tediously lame.
We bombed it down the motorway with some great tunes blasting out, although Joel likes his indie stuff more than rock and metal and we kept digging him for that. He kept trying to play us some 90s bands like…er…I can’t remember…Inspiral Carpets? eh something like that, and Primal Scream. Those two are the only ones I remember. I’m not that into it, but I like one particular track:
It kinda encompasses the mood of the whole weekend!
So it was a 4 hour car drive but it went really fast, we were all enjoying ripping the shit out of Joel and his bizarre indie tastes! We pulled up outside the student house in Tottenham. It was in a square with a fucked up church in the middle, all overgrown. The house loomed over us like a gothic cloud. Four stories of pure shambles. I loved it. The front door was up a flight of stone steps that had worn away over the years. There were still those mosaic tiles in the entrance, some of them had fallen off and lay crumbled on the floor, some others had been kicked into the front ‘garden’. It was amazing inside, one bedroom at the front, Chloe’s (but she was at work) and then through the long corridor the kitchen and the rickety old wooden stairs. Lee’s room is on the third floor with Joel’s and Annabitch has got the attic. There are two bathroom, one on Lee’s level and one toilet downstairs.
I went straight to Lee’s room to put my bags in there. Claimed! Annabitch didn’t seem to be around. Good. I hoped she didn’t appear at all. Of course she did, but I digress.
It was cold and dark so we all congregated in the kitchen with the massive old wooden table that had a broken leg and thy had put a couple of magazines under the foot to balance it. The table was the only object in that kitchen that didn’t have things strewn all over it. Pans, plates, food, bread, wine bottles….all over the worktops. Oh I wished I lived there! The table was clean and only had a candle in the middle of it in a big cut glass pink plate that contained loads of bits of paper. Apparently that is where they put messages to each other. On the top was a torn in half sticky note that said ‘Buy bread you twats, love Joel’ on it. Ha.
We had toast, so someone had bought the bread, and then we went into the living room which was on the other side of the kitchen area. A massive sofa, two tatty but oh so comfy looking armchairs, a huge patchwork rug that had holes in, a massive wall length bookcase FULL of books and art stuff and a flat screen TV. Apparently Joel’s.
We all sat there and got slowly pissed. I was tired but so happy and kind of surreal. I was away from my Nazis and in this massive bohemian palace, the sound of traffic outside, rushing by, police sirens wailing every so often, people outside laughing and shouting. It was ALIVE.
We went up to bed soooo late. Me and Lee just snuggled under the duvet and fell into long blissful sleep. I woke up a few times with a headache but couldn’t remember where the hell the bathroom was so just went back to sleep, Lee clinging to me. The single bad was cosy, man. I miss it.
We woke up at about 10am and I felt like shit. Lee went and got us some water, coffee and toast.. It was ace to sit up in bed and watch silly stuff on TV while we ate and laughed. Joel kept tapping on our door but Lee warned him away and he pushed a note under the door to call us ass clowns. Nice. Hahaha.
I had a shower. While I was in there I heard Lee talking to someone outside the door, saying that I was in there. A girl’s voice I recognised, Annabitch was there. I didn’t want to see that fucking bitch, so listened outside the door til she had gone and slipped back into the haven of Lee’s room.
Later on we went for a walk around Tottenham and then caught the tube into Camden Market, I had been there before with Dad, but it was even cooler than I remembered. Lee bought me a cool American Indian type tshirt with a symbol of freedom on it. I bought some rings and bracelets. I gave one to Lee, it looked good on him, Bronze with celtic patterns on.
We went to get a snack in a pub called The Hawley Arms. Awesome vegetarian and vegan options. Joel started taking the piss out of me and Lee but however hard he tried, he couldn’t catch me out. I have spent too many years arguing my points with ignorant twats! He LOST badly!
Me and Lisa had all day tube tickets and the guys had Oyster Cards so we decided to go to a few places around the centre, but not Oxford Street or any heaving nightmare places. We went to Atlantis European in Whitehall, which is like a MASSIVE artist’s emporium of delights! Lee needed some supplies and I bought a few odds and ends too. We then found an exquisite old market and I bought a gorgeous indian blouse for 50p!
I took some cracking photos in Whitechapel. I googled all the places where Jack the Ripper’s victims were found. Joel thought I was grim. I thought he was a douche. Hahaha. We went in the art gallery but we didn’t rate the stuff hanging in there.
Our hangovers starting getting the better of us so we went back to Tottenham. The walk from the tube station seemed soooooooooo long. Lee said that London is the most tiring city EVER to live in. When you are tired, like most of the time, everything seems huge, crowded and too far away. I get that but I still love it.
We slept for a bit when we got back. I saw Annabitch in the kitchen and she tried a smile. I didn’t bother cos I’m not a hypocrite. Chloe joined us in the living room. She seemed ok, quiet but sweet. Maybe a bit too sickly sweet for me. Annabelle sat in for a while and glared at me when she thought no one was looking her way. Lee went out when she did and they were talking in the kitchen. Awkward. Lisa tried to keep me talking until Lee came back. Distracting me?
Then we planned our moves for the evening. The guys discussed which pubs would be best and nearest. Our tube tickets lasted up til midnight but obviously we would be out later. We decided to get a cab back, but not go too far. Taxi are heaped up expensive apparently. Annabelle declared she wanted to come out with us which apart from pissing me off no end, made it difficult as we would need 2 taxis. Chloe managed to persuade her to stay in and watch some DVDs with her. Thanks Chloe! Chloe seems to sense how I feel about her.
So we got ready. I wore black. Lee loved my look. I loved Lee’s look. I could have stayed in and ravished him but the plan was to go out….hahaha.
So to shorten this part of the story. I got pissed as a fart AGAIN and posted some stupid shit on facebook via my phone while in the toilet of The Crobar in Tottenham, Lisa threw up in there and missed the loo bowl. Foul. But funny.
We also went to Garlic and Shots which is a goth/metal/rock pub like The Crowbar. Amazing. Of course Joel wanted to go to some Indie pubs but there weren’t any around there apart from The Good Ship but it was heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaving.
I don’t remember much of the rest! Just Lee telling me to stop smoking so many fags and Lee getting a bit pissed off with a guy who was trying to look too closely at my pentagram, LOL! I don’t know who I was smoking with but I must have been outside as it’s clearly forbidden inside pubs. I had loads of tobacco left on sunday so someone must have given me their fags. Joel? Maybe.
Sunday. Well. It was hell to wake up to but we found a cure and didn’t surface from the bed room until about 2pm when we had food and a shower, needing to get sorted so that Joel could take us back later on. And the rest you’all can imagine. The deathly blanket of silence as we left the tangle and hustle of London and back into the slow twirl of the countryside and the quiet. Boring. Listless. Lonely…………
What a weekend. I have felt dead since I got back here. I see Lee’s room on Skype and it feels nice that I have spent time in there, like it’s now OUR room, but frankly I AM NOT THERE so it SUCKS. 😦
October 13, 2013
Ok so Dad decided to NOT pay for the internet connection AGAIN. Excuse me but whatever we fight and scream at each other about, surely he has to realise that HE dragged me here to live in this wilderness of doom, with like 3 buses going out to town per day ONLY and NO buddies to hang out with because he won’t let me learn to drive…because I won’t work for him at the surgery….because Mum has laid down all these new rules and regs about what I have to do to earn my independence and I haven’t got time to do everything………..
Can you see how all this shit is woven into multi layers of crap?
So. If I AGREE to work at the surgery, Dad will pay for driving lessons and buy me a second hand car when I’ve passed my test. All well and GOOD but….
He wants me to work there 8:30am to 12:30 on Saturdays. Then I will go home and have lunch before Mum drives me to town to go to ASDAs because I have to buy my own food to cook nowadays. Fine, but as I explained in previous rant, Mum likes to spend about 3 hours roaming around ASDAs looking for ‘bargains’ whereas I plan ahead and just go chuck, chuck,chuck and to the cashier. I am always stood there in the entrance waiting for her like a complete dork. She always manages to meet people and have gossip time which adds at least another 40 minutes to the proceedings and my dork time.
So we’re talking like …getting back at 3:30-4pm. Then it’s time for me to do my chores like cleaning my room (pfff) and doing laundry. She seems to have a tally system and knows when I last washed my bedding and underwear cos she’s always on my case about it. Then I cook my dinner,eat and go straight upstairs quick to skype with Lee face before he goes to work. GREEEEAAAAAT saturday!
So that leaves me Sunday to do all my college work and indulge my hobbies. NOT ENOUGH TIME.
To be honest I don’t get up on a Saturday morning much before 12 so theoretically I COULD go and work but…I AM EXHAUSTED!!! I need that lye in…
What can I do? Circle of doom!
I try to do all my college crap during the week but Lee doesn’t work at the bar week nights so we end up skyping most of the evening. When else could I talk to him?????? It’s bad enough already that I never see him,let alone having to ration my skyping.
My dad doesn’t know but I figured out how to get wi-fi from my phone so I connected it to my laptop. Ha! I bet he doesn’t know he can do that…he uses internet for his medical research and keeps making sure I know that he is suffering from my self absorbed attitude as well as me. But now I’m not.
Yeh so nothing really changes in the land of Casey. I have rationalised my terrible jealous streak aimed at Annabitch and all the other female enemies living in Lee’s halls with him. Well, I think I have. She hasn’t done anything to majorly piss me off lately, unless Lee is deliberately not talking about her cos he knows I will kick off.
Oh yeh. Lee’s friend Chloe wants to skype with me. Lee told her about my haunted bathroom and she is also into paranormal stuff and claims to be able to do rituals that allow spirits to ‘cross over’ to the spirit realm and find peace. lee doesn’t really believe her but I will be talking to her when she gets a lap top. She’s also a Fine Art student and her Mum is French (useless fact!) so she might be an interesting person to get to know. You know what I’m like though….I don’t usually take to girls as mates, only if they are not too ‘girlie’ and have a brain.
We shall see….
Sorry for the boring post, but NOTHING exciting ever happens! It’s half term soon though so MAYBE I’ll be graced with a certain sexy man’s presence……..
Favourite song at the moment:
And when is AMERICAN HORROR STORY COVEN coming to UK?