Depressed…or just bored?

February 3, 2013

Ok so my last few posts have been morbid. I don’t want this one to be the same~ moaning, missing Lee, bored with life. The thing is I want to write amazing, interesting blogs, but when I get to the weekend and look back on the week I realise there’s nothing interesting to write! 

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I know I’m not a normal teenager. Last night, Saturday night, what did I do? I took Chester for a very long walk in the woods, got very wet, came back, washed him down, went upstairs, sat on my bed for ages staring outside at the tree tops listening to Veronica Falls, watched a documentary on YouTube about parallel universes, texted Lee (many many times), went downstairs and stole a glass of wine from the kitchen (M&D had dinner guests) watched some more stuff about Paranormal Investigations, watched American Horror Story (must blog about that at some point. Violet is ME. Her dad’s a Doctor, she’s an only child, grungy, moody, likes Morrissey, hangs out with ghosts in an old mansion house…) and then waited to skype Lee. Then remembered it was Saturday night and we don’t skype on Saturday night. Why? Well because he goes out with his art student buddies…..’nuff fucking said about that…another reason I hate Saturday nights…

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Violet

Called him. He didn’t answer.

Waited for the attic room to consume me in my jealousy and longing.

It didn’t. Unfortunately.

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I tried to write something here but I couldn’t even manage one single line.

I tried to write a list of things I love to cheer myself up. Here’s what I came up with:

  • Chester and our walks in the woods.
  • Skyping (with Lee and Stella)
  • Reading strange books. Eg Neil Gaiman, Clive Barker, Stephen King…
  • Watching documentaries about ghosts, parallel universes (a new interest of mine), social issues, asylums, criminals etc
  • Drawing and painting (subjects including above themes)
  • Listening to music. (Band names too many to mention)
  • Surfing the web to find ideas for clothes/outfits and upcycling
  • Going to charity shops and buying things…ie clothes that are made from amazing fabric to cut up for upcycling. (If I find a style that I like, for eg a blouse, I cut it up carefully along the seams and lay it out as pieces. Then I make patterns in the fabric I want that match exactly then sew them all together to make a new blouse. Get it? I might have to post a demo to show everyone.)

Things I want to do: (Not including all the ‘things’ I want to do with Lee!)

  • learn Greek. I am half Greek and my dad says he will teach me.
  • Go to Salonika. That’s where Dad is from and my grandparents that I don’t know live there. I will be able to talk to them if I learn Greek. (Kalimera is good morning. I remember cos my mum said ‘Kalamari’ instead which is squid!)
  • Have a bunch of 3 or 4 really good friends that come round and sit in my attic room, drinking wine and talking.
  • Join an URBEX group. (Urban Exploration~exploring abandoned buildings)
  • Do proper Paranormal Investigations (starting in my bathroom hahaha!)
  • Have the inspiration to paint more.
  • Learn to play violin (M&D have already said hell no!)

Ok so now I need to figure out how to inject some enthusiasm into my Sunday.

 

 

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Life is strange..

January 22, 2013

It’s really weird how, when you are talking to someone about a random subject, you realise how different people actually are and how diverse their takes on life can be.

I was talking to Kate at college today about my life. I don’t usually do this as I find it hard to verbalise about my personal stuff, (and I don’t give a monkey’s fart about what other people think and I don’t seek approval) but I went out on a limb because I needed to kind of see myself through someone else’s eyes.

I was trying to see what she really thought of my lifestyle as I posted yesterday. I am not like most 17 year old girls. Yes, I like boys, I like clothes, I like make up and I love music but…not the same kind that others seem to. That’s ok. But what about the other stuff like wanting to go out all the time and socialise? What about the need to gas and gossip endlessly about everything? Posting what you had for breakfast on Facebook? Analysing every word that someone said in order to see a cause for a bitch fight? Talking for two hours about what it meant that some guy GLANCED at me? Trying to look slimmer/prettier/more popular than everyone else? These are the things I see all around me and that I can’t muster up any excitement for.

Kate surprised me .

The first thing she said was that I was speaking as though my life was lacking something. I said well it is!

Look at it.

I live in a village No, I can’t even call it that. It’s a  hamlet..it has like, three houses; one of them is my M&D’s and the other is Lee’s. The other is about 15 minutes walk away. Come on. In the summer we moved because Dad wanted to. We were perfectly happy in the city, I had loads of friends, I went out every night and life was fun. The only person who wanted to move was him and he didn’t even bother to ask me what I wanted. I was so fucked up about it this summer that I literally wanted to kill them. I met Lee and that all changed, but REALLY what kind of life is this for a 17 year old? I’m also an only child with no siblings to hang out with. Don’t get me wrong I LOVE the area now with it’s beautiful thick woodland and peace and quiet. I have fallen in love with Nature since I moved here….but I digress. I should be out and about, partying, meeting people, getting off with lots of different boys….finding myself, forming an identity.

Kate said I have already done that without the help of anyone else. She’s jealous of me. Of me? What now?

She says that she wishes she could be happy with what she has got instead of being unhappy cos of all the stuff she hasn’t got. Ok, I get that..the only thing I am missing out on is being with Lee. (That’s major though but I don’t let on too much.) I don’t sit upstairs dreaming about owning or having anything really. I am pretty happy with having Chester (my dog) and Lee and my one or two good mates that I still talk to. To be brutally honest, people get on my fucking nerves most of the time anyway!

She then said that I may not talk much but I exude an air of quiet wisdom! Hahahaha. I had to laugh because I don’t see myself as mature or wise. I say stupid things without thinking, I can’t be patient when I want something, I get pissy when I don’t get my way from M&D, what else…I judge people by how they dress (like I did in the summer) and their appearance..I can’t help it despite nearly losing Lee over it. I am not mature! I am a rebel who doesn’t care what other people think or feel at times.

Then she said I have got guts. Paah! Ok then. Now this is hilarious. I stand up against the rest because I don’t want to be a sheep and that takes courage. Does it? I think it’s essential and have never thought of it as being brave. I don’t shop on the High Street because of exploitation and sweat shops. I wear charity shop clothes and stuff made out of other clothes. Ok..but it’s not difficult to open your eyes and see that in our society, million dollar corperations are making this money out of lies and corrupt greed. I am not a genius.

I don’t go to McDonald’s. No the hell I don’t! Everyone else does. So what? I am a vegetarian and I appreciate how important our planet is. McDonald is a piece of shit that needs to go to hell and burn for his crimes against animals and the environment. How hard is it to say no I am not going to McDonald’s and eat a veggie burger instead? Better for your health as well.

I guess that when we walk around 24/7 in our skins, we don’t comprehend how others see us, only how we see ourselves. It’s nice to know how others see you and to step out of your life that you think is maybe dull or useless, and look at it objectively. Thanks to my friend Kate for her honesty.

I should point out that she also said I was stuck up, cold, selfish, moody and judgemental. I didn’t get off that lightly! 

I think a good bud is someone who can also tell you the not so good stuff. How can we change for the better if we never get a true picture of ourselves? The Casey of a few months ago would probably have told her to fuck herself at that point..but yes, I must be making progress! I smiled (well, grimaced) and said thanks….

”Down with the moral majority”

”Marching out of time to my own beat now”