The latest:

I have been getting a whole bunch of excited as the festive season approaches. Two more weeks at college and then I break up with 3 weeks off! Lee told me that he’s also got 3 weeks and before I really sat down and fucking THOUGHT about it, I started making all these plans in my head about what me and him can get up to with 3 whole muthafuckin weeks on our hands to spend TOGETHER.

But then, of course, the raindrops of shit began falling on my head. AS ALWAYS!

He has to see his Dad. His penis of a Dad will not come here and spend it with his ex family so Lisa and Lee will have to go there. To Leeds. That’s about 2 hours away. At least it isn’t going to be on Christmas actual DAY but still, when? I want to be with him on New Years else I will end up in a drunken stupor in my room alone, probably listening to depressing music and smoking my chest into ashes. I know it’s selfish but fuck it. He had an affair so he shouldn’t be the one calling all the shots!

M&D have told me that they are ‘deeply disappointed’ with my ‘conduct’ and that despite being given a ‘very reasonable’ (pfff) allowance and the chance to earn money to have driving lessons after Christmas, the revelation concerning SMOKING has counteracted all the trust they were building up in me and their hopes for me growing up and not being such a spoilt brat. Yes, Dad actually used the term SPOILT BRAT. Jesus. I am so desperate for a fag now that I have smoked all my hidden packets that I had stashed away or just left under piles of other crap in my room, and now I am CRAVING for the sake of fuck, and I NEVER did before! Dad thinks he is tackling this issue by being the authoritarian who DICTATES what I put into my body, but actually the numbskull has gone and made it all ten times WORSE. I really want a fucking rollup NOW after Lee just called me to tell me about his Dad! I might have to call Kate or my other not-quite-friend from college, Alex. He will bring me tobacco. The thing is though, Alex asked me OUT as in ON A DATE ‘out’ about a week ago and hasn’t spoken to me since. Just a feeble nod and turn of the face away when walking past me. So if I call him and get him to come over, he’ll think it’s to hang out and talk about THAT issue. Plus I NEVER invite people here so M&D are gonna wonder what the hell. Then I will have to lie and say he’s a friend, but then when he doesn’t come again they’ll remember and start grilling me about where Alex fucking is and why/what/how/who …

My life is crammed FULL of dilemmas. I am TRYING so hard not to lie. I used to lie all the time about everything, but since I have met Lee I have learned, from him, that it’s not good. IN THE END. Of course the most humungous lie I tell is that Lee and I are just friends. Hahahaha because it’s not worth the grief if they find out, he will be BANNED from even looking in my direction! I didn’t lie exactly about smoking because they never asked…now I am grounded and I have t give my Mum RECEIPTS when we go to ASDAs food shopping and for everything else I buy like makeup, books, music, clothes….so I don’t buy my beloved Amber Leaf…..aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrghhhh.  am soooooooooo gagging right now!

And I want to buy Lee a cool present for Christmas but how can I if they think we’re only mates they might give me like a tenner or something.

They have said I am allowed one present because of the driving lessons. Wow. The only thing I want right now can’t be bought with money.

My FREEDOM.

Oh fuck it. I’m calling Alex…..

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Because lee’s not here yet. And I’m boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooored.

He’s working. Why? Well to cut a long story short, his Dad has decided that he’s not going to be sending his Mum and sister any money! WTF would be about right. I mean, it’s NOT right that he should do this, surely? Lee has been on the phone with him every night trying to sort it, but apparently his M&D had a huge row and that was the last thing he said to her. Lee is, of course, fuming with him for many reasons. The obvious being that he HAS to provide for his family even though they are filing for divorce. He will have to pay them money legally so why stop now and make it worse!? Poor lee has had to scrounge extra hours in the bar to send money back to his Mum while this childish situation gets resolved. That leaves me and him up in the air as to when he can come back home for the summer, as well as the problem that he can’t stay in his house over summer without paying rent, which is massive. His Dad’s not going to carry on paying for his rent (if he’s in such a fucking foul strop) for Lee to work to send money home to his Mum. lee said that he’s willing to lie to his Dad, saying that he’s got to stay and do Uni work, for the sake of being able to stay and earn some cash! Jesus fucking Christ.

I just listen to all this every night, trying not to get upset, trying to be supportive, thinking WHEN ARE YOU COMING HOME!!!??? I don’t want him to have extra ball ache because I’m whining like a bitch at him. Fuck it!

Dimitri has gone to Thessaloniki for the summer and is, as we speak, at his parent’s summer house in Halkidiki. Mmmm. Jealous much? Hell yeh! I miss him. He hasn’t got an internet connection that can support skype so we just use msn and texting. Ouch. He told me that he’s dating three girls there already, all from Thessaloniki. Again, I try not to think about why I am scratched by the nails of the green eyed monster when he talks about it. I don’t know why.

He sent me this a few days ago. Twist the knife RIGHT into the wound why not?Diamerisma_agora_Thesaloniki_fotografia_19113222

Ok, this is the view he had of my (Grandparent’s) balcony when I was there earlier this year and we would sit outside til late in the night talking. looks like Yiayia has been clearing out a bit cos there are some cupboards and stuff there. I MISS MY ROOM SO MUCH!!!

I have been writing to my Greekies and I got a letter back from Yiayia the other day. I will post it on here, it’s amazing to see the Greek writing. I showed it to Dim on skype and he translated it for me. Awww I love my Greekies! I want to go back so much and I keep having dreams about it. I wake up and feel so sad. Lee is always there with me and Dimitri. I wish it could be like that…

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So I haven’t been doing much, just moping around. I know I should be happy that college is over til September, but surprisingly, I am am feeling deflated after the exams. I guess it’s cos I feel like I am DOING something constructive in my mission to get away from here and go to London with Lee when I am at college and working towards exams. Afterwards it’s back to being 17 year old Casey who still lives with her parents in a house in the middle of nowhere. Going nowhere with only Chester dog for company.

I did get to go shopping with Mum (well, I say with, but she went to Next and I went to some charity shops) and these are two things I picked up. Cool eh?

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There are so many things I want to do, but can’t. Like:

1. Get a tattoo on my wrist. (M&D forbidden).

2. Get a nose ring. (M&D forbidden).

3. Go to Greece and hang out with D.

4. Go to London and hang out with Lee.

5. Go to my Aunt’s and help her write the next novel about me and Lee. (I might get to do that soon actually).

Basically, this is what I have done every day since I broke up from college:

  • Got up around midday.
  • Taken Chester for a walk.
  • Showered and put makeup etc on.
  • Sometimes eaten breaky and mostly not!
  • Sent Lee and Dim a text message each and replied to them.
  • Tried to tidy up my room and sort out dirty clothes, taken some downstairs, shoved them in the washing machine.
  • Attempted to iron some but given up. How dull is that fucking job???
  • Gone for a walk in the woods again with Chester.
  • Read a book or magazine. (Currently reading The Ritual by …..some guy and can’t get into it!)
  • Surfed around on Youtube for any new stuff on paranormal investigations.
  • Listened to music. Current favourite includes Sneaker Pimps.
  • Had a cheese and pickle sandwich.
  • Written some diary stuff.
  • Talked to lee on the phone or Skype.
  • Stared out the window and missed Lee a lot.
  • Gone downstairs to eat with M&D. Avoided a lot of topics -of -the- day for example, what are you going to do for the next 6 weeks, Casey?
  • Helped Mum (not Dad you notice!) clean up the kitchen.
  • Back out to take Chester for a walk. Stayed out a long time cos I love this time of day. Twilight.
  • Watched TV in my room or some youtube vids.
  • Listened to music on my i pod. Dozed off.
  • Woken up at around 12 midnight to talk to Lee on Skype. He texts me if he sees I am asleep hahaha! How cool is that!
  • Watched a DVD or something else to try and take my mind off missing Lee (approximately 3am each night after he falls asleep).
  • Fallen asleep around 4:30am……………

Cool. Not. Very not.

Things have to change………..

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