Lee went back to London yesterday.

I’ve literally just managed to drag my depressed ass out of bed. I don’t know why I thought I had to do it because now I can’t even be assed to do anything. It’s cloudy and I feel cold. I’m sitting cross legged on my messy bed wrapped in my duvet that I haven’t changed (cover-wise) for about a month. No kidding .

I didn’t sleep much last night. I had some bad ass dreams that made me wake up in a complete stress panic and at about 2:30 I decided not to go back to sleep so I fucking just went out for a long walk for like, FOREVER.

He left at about 10am. He was booked on a coach from town to London and got there at 3 in the afternoon and fucking bitch Annabelle was waiting for him at the coach station at Victoria. Like I really needed to know that? He texted me and then I didn’t hear from him at all last night so he basically left me here on my own for the first time in what? 2 months? FUCK.

I don’t even know how to write how I’m feeling. I don’t know WHAT to write. Thing is I don’t know WHAT to do about life at all right now. I can’t stand the thought of having to go back to 6th form on Monday and start the whole numb-skull process of getting through each fuck boring dull day again with the same shit. I know how it will go; Get up at 7, get ready, have breaky, catch the bus….have 3 classes of various crap, then go home and do homework, skype with Stella, Lee and Dim and stay up too late reading or watching movies, fall asleep….you get the black picture!

What can I do to stop the rot of 2013/2014 setting in? Apart from the half terms and holidays when I (hopefully) get to spend time with Lee.

It hasn’t been all romance and flowers in a meadow of passion!

We haven’t, or should I say I haven’t, got over that issue about me being almost pregnant. We spent a good week after that not really communicating. I felt like we weren’t suited on a non-romantic level..like we had just been surfing on a huge wave of lust for all this time and hadn’t noticed how little we have in common. I know we HAVE cos we spent the first gazillion years being best buddies, but when something like that hits you, it’s like, woahh and what the actual fuck do we do now!

Lee wants to get married in his twenties and have a family, at least 3 kids. I don’t. Hence the big hole in my heart. And when I say I don’t I really fucking MEAN I don’t. I want to travel, I want to go work and live abroad like my Aunt did, I want to be wild and free and a fucking liability in my 20s not some slipper wearing, bun of hair wearing, apron tied mother and housewife dying of boredom. I would defo become a drug addict or severely alcoholic. Lee or no Lee, I can’t do it. I had visions of us doing all the crazy shit together! Yes, MY crazy shit which I had never discussed with him because I ASSUMED we both shared that desire.

Fuck my fucking life.

stella thinks I should break up with him now. She reckons the longer we carry on the worse it’s gonna be when we break up like a few years time when he wants THE FAMILY. How the HELL can I? I love him to absolute distraction! He’s the other( better) half of me.

We haven’t talked about this because let’s face facts. I am 17 years old, yes nearly 18 but…wtf should I have to talk about THIS for????

I don’t know if it has ground into his brain as deep as it has in mine, but he seems a bit more distant, like we both suddenly grew older by 10 years. He is now 29 and I’m 27. Somehow I don’t think we’ll still know each other by then and THAT makes me want to lay down and die, quite frankly.

Stella’s like ‘There are so many other guys you could go out with and meet, and you’re off to Uni as well so imagine it there, all those sexy rocker boys.’

I DON’T WANT ANYONE ELSE.

Well, except perhaps Dimitris, but let’s not discuss that in this post.

Mum’s calling me.

Ok so I will try and muster up the energy to lift my fingers up and write some more later. I have a load of work to do that of course I forgot about during the holidays. I could have done it as well, Lee being at work every morning, but that’s me. Procrastinator supreme.

Fucking shit.tumblr_m2nds6CIuU1qfdwsio1_400

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I don’t know how or why, but I have been nominated for above award by

http://primalnights.wordpress.com

and

http://hauntedteenager.wordpress.com/

To be really damn honest here, I don’t know WHO reads my blog…and it doesn’t matter THAT much cos it’s a place for me to rant at (oh so many) things that make me CRAZY and just about everyday crap that occurs. None of my friends know I write a blog so it’s kinda safe and I feel free! I’m pretty sure that’s the case for a whole bunch of other Bloggers here as well, but anyways THANKS to these guys, I really appreciate it!

So now I have to do what I have to do….

Here are the Little Rules.

1. Display the Award Certificate on your website.

2. Announce your win with a post and link to whoever presented your award.

3. Present fifteen awards to deserving bloggers

4. Drop them a comment to tip them off after you have  linked them in the post.

5. Post seven interesting things about yourself

So here goes!

Here are my nominees (sorry not 15!) I am putting them in categories cos it kind of shows you facets of my personality and therefore you will understand a bit more about me… and also…you can select whichever you like to read based on my descriptions!

So.

General thoughts and diary style blogs

(some of which include rantings and stuff about relationships and similar issues that I blog about):

Avalanche of a Mindset  www.rhairyza.wordpress.com

I Speak Lyrics www.kec98.wordpress.com

Just another Teenage Blogger www.justanotherteenageblogger.wordpress.com

Life from the Queen of Hearts www.lifefromthequeenofhearts.wordpress.com

You are a Wallflower www.youareawallflower.wordpress.com

Primal Night’s www.primalnights.wordpress.com

Thank you all for making me realise I am not alone in feeling fucked up!

Ghosts/Horror & films/Dark Stories

Freaky Folk Tales www.freakyfolktales.wordpress.com

Graveology www.graveOlogy.com

My Life with Ghosts www.mylifewithghosts.com

Spider Goddess www.spidergoddess.wordpress.com (mystic subjects)

Animal Rights:

www.newsforanimalwelfare.com

Now for the bit that makes me cringe!

7 ‘Interesting’ (or not) things about myself:

  • I have got a birth mark on my left butt cheek in the shape (or design!) of a spider’s web and I love it..
  • I am half Greek. My Dad was born in Thessaloniki in the North. I am learning Greek!
  • When I was a toddler I fell into a well that my parents didn’t know existed and I was there for 12 hours. I wasn’t even hurt when they found me. Not a single scratch!
  • I have a ghost girl in my attic bathroom. I see her watching me sometimes.
  • I am an only child. I think that’s why I hate sharing stuff and I am anti~social!
  • I have got a dog called Chester. I love all animals and do NOT eat them or wear them.
  • One of my ambitions is to live on a self sufficient farm in the middle of a forest.

Thanks to everyone who follows me and reads my garbage! 🙂 34705_485251998184137_751667628_n

Animallib

Animallib (Photo credit: Wikipedia)