So I’ll ask you again…..have you?
September 3, 2015
This was the point of the conversation last night when I realised I’m a fucking lame person and don’t even deserve to have Lee as a boyfriend. I think we’re over.
I am sitting in the living room on my own. Anna has been in, Chloe and Joel but no Simon and no Lee. I don’t even know how this whole shabang-fuck started, only that one minute I thought my life was a mess but sortable and the next, literally within that space of time when I ate a snack and they came in, it was irretrievably shredded beyond recognition.
Simon must have told Lee we slept together.
Mr Truth has spoken. I mean we can all sit there and fucking go ”Honesty is the best policy…..we learn from our mistakes….” blarg blarg, but when it comes to it, do we REALLY tell the truth? NO! Except Simon does, obviously. What MOTIVE has he got for doing this? He told me after we’d indulged in our mutual lust that he felt better, he’d ‘got it out of his system’ and no one ever needed to find out. I was very ok with that, especially after being ragged on about Richard. Lee took that so well, but I doubted that shagging his best mate in OUR bed would have the same zen effect! I was so right.
So yesterday they (Lee & Si) walked into the kitchen where I was perched precariously on a bar stool, me in my pyjama bottoms with stupid red hearts all over them and rips in them..feeling battered enough, but Lee’s face looked like it had been hit with a lead shovel. his eyes were wide like he was in shock, (well he was I guess), and Simon skulked off upstairs, the fucking yellow coward. He pushed the bags of food onto the counter top and stood there with his back to me for ages, not speaking or moving. When Lee doesn’t speak, you know something catastrophic has happened. I asked what was up and he didn’t move, but I could tell he kept rubbing his hands on his eyes. I think he was crying.
He turned eventually and grabbed my hand, leading me too fast up the two flights. I needed my inhaler when I got to the bedroom and he just swiped his hand towards me as if to say hurry up and just inhale. I did, trying to drag it out. I wanted to get my thoughts together. Rows with Lee are never just structureless yell-fests, they are like university professors having a debate over a midnight brandy.
Then he asked it. “Have you slept with anyone else apart from Richard?”
I retaliated immediately, which was stupid cos it made it obvious I was on the defence.
“I didn’t sleep with Richard.”
I sounded like I was trying to gain points, I could feel my mouth smiling at him as if I had won. I knew it wasn’t a competition but I am childish and puerile. I haven’t learned a single fucking thing from being with him for two years. idiot.
He told me not to be so clever. That he was hurt beyond pain. A kiss and a grope was one thing, but sleeping together?
I decided there and then that I would just deny everything. My usual tack. My usual selfish approach to relationship issue solving. Bravo.
“No I haven’t, Lee. Why would I?”
He then LAUGHED.
“Ok, Casey.” he said, shaking his head in disbelief. I honestly thought this was all a joke and he’d go “GOT YA!” and attack my ribs with his guitar strumming fingers like he always did when he’d managed to verbally prank me. But he sat down on the bed and put his head in his hands. I was appalled when I noticed he was rocking slightly too. I wanted to run but my legs wouldn’t move. My feet felt like molten lead in the carpet.
“Look, I know you have. Please just let’s be honest about this or we can’t get past it, ever. For ONCE in our relationship, admit you fucked up! It’s not hard, I mean I already know. Just say it!”
He was really pissed.
I shook my head and adopted the best astonished and ‘how could you even think I’d do that to you’ face. As if I had the right to be offended.
“How do you know? Who told you?”
Childish Casey. What was the point of that? As if it mattered who told him. He was asking a question, he was begging for honesty and I couldn’t do it. It was because I didn’t want us to split up. I love him.
But it’s not going to keep him loving me either is it? Either way I lose. Might as well have just said it……..
“I didn’t Lee. I love you.”
“Then why are you lying, AGAIN?”
“I’m not, I’m telling you Richard was a mistake! There was only ever him, now it’s over, I told you that! Please Lee!”
I was shouting louder than ten decibels of Lee. And I was the one in the wrong. I was being so transparent, I knew I was pushing our love over the edge of the suicide cliff, but I couldn’t stop.
Lee was staring at his converses. Silence pervaded. The room closed in on me.
“if you are lying to me, we are so over. Please think long and hard about this Casey. I love you so much. We have been through so much. Don’t let us go, please don’t.”
I could have just admitted it. He was more or less telling me that he might be able to forgive. A voice in my head was going, ‘Tell him about Simon, be strong, be brave, be like Simon. BE TRUE TO YOURSELF.’ We had things to discuss, I wasn’t happy…this could be the pivotal point that projected us into a higher realm of contentment and closeness….and I wanted that, deep down I knew I loved Lee…the others were flings, lust versus love. Or did I really want to stay with Lee, domestic bliss, babies, marriage? Maybe Simon is the one? Excitement, new experiences, exploring boundaries of our dark sides, living in art…it made my heart sing. Had he told Lee because he wanted that with me? Had he begged Lee to let me go? Was he so sure that we were perfect together?
This thought was still swirling around my head and piercing my heart when Lee said it.
“So, I’ll ask you again…………”