in the white noise

June 29, 2013

Lee is still in London. I feel like I am living in the white noise….unheard but still lingering

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The Community Arts project has finished and Lee and Annabelle are there together. God knows what they’re doing, but it pisses me off. I know that she hates going home to her parents in Gloucestershire because they are never around, a bit like mine really, but why does Lee prefer to be there with her than here with me?

He seems distant and I can’t get through to him. It’s like the Lee I used to know has gone. Every time I ask him when he’s coming home he gets tetchy and tries to change the subject. I spoke to Lisa yesterday and she’s well fed up too….he won’t talk to her either and they were so close. She reckons he is trying to avoid making the decision because he feels torn between his M&D. If he goes to his Dad’s then he’ll feel bad about her and his Mum but if he comes home he’ll feel bad for his Dad and that his Mum will have an extra mouth to feed.

Writing this has given me an idea. Dad mentioned that he wants me to do some work on reception at the surgery. Why don’t I suggest that Lee takes up the position instead? That would bring some cash in. His Mum cleans every morning for Dad there, so she will be able to give him a lift!

Then he might come home.

There are NO jobs around here. Let me put this into perspective.

There is my house and Lee’s house. We live exactly 3 minutes and 24 seconds apart (I know cos I have timed it!) and there is NOTHING else around here except woodland, a bus stop, an old graveyard and one winding country road that goes out of the hamlet towards the town where I go to college. Dad’s surgery is a renovated village hall that stands on this road just after you leave the hamlet. There are a few other hamlets and some villages around here, that’s why Dad took over the surgery, but no shops or ANYTHING.

Mum helps him out sometimes but Lee’s Mum is the only person that Dad employs right now and she cleans, as I said. He needs someone to answer the phone and book appointments etc. I was about to agree to do it in the mornings, cos quite frankly, me is BOREEEEEED and piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiissed off and needing some serious diversion from missing Lee and worrying my guts about what the actual fuck he is still doing with bitch face in London! I had an eureka moment with this as I made out I really didn’t want to…and bugged Dad for a compromise…which was….DRIVING LESSONS! And do you know what? He had agreed! Oh my GOD how I would love to own a frickin car and be able to get the sweet fuck out of here whenever I want!!!!

But I would rather be here with Lee than have driving lessons right now.

Oh….a text just came through.

”Hi beauty. Just to say that I will be back in my room at about 9 o’clock and I am staying in tonight. No shift. Hope you’ll be in as well. Need a long Skyper with you. Love you xx’

Aww. Ok. Where’s the Bitchabelle then? Ha that’s pretty cool! Bitchabelle!

That means in about an hour.

Right. I will go downstairs and talk to Dad about undoing our dealio about the driving lessons, and if Lee can do it instead. Then I can tell him!

Then sort out my fugly face ready to Skyper…..

Laterz 🙂

 

 

 

 

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Who would miss me?

June 9, 2013

I have been thinking about this a lot. And I have just read another blog saying exactly the same.

It’s at times like this when I have spent my entire weekend doing college work (we have got given details about our end of year exams which are actually AS Levels) and been trying to call/text people just to hear someone else SPEAK and no one is picking up or answering, that I feel just so fucking lifeless and devoid of purpose.

My parents…well Dad has been working all weekend. He usually does, this is the thing about him being the only Doc for miles around. His own daughter going through a SHIT time but he doesn’t seem to know or bother to ask. Mum has been either out in the garden fiddling with her flowers and paving slabs and hasn’t called upstairs hardly at all, just to tell me when meals are ready. Then she usually just gives me mine and goes off somewhere else saying that she has had hers and Dad’s is plated up ready for when he gets home. And???

Ok, I know I could go downstairs into the garden more often, play with Chester there, but she usually shouts and says he scuffs up the lawn or tramples the flowers. That’s why I always take him to the woods. My haven.

Stella is NEVER free to talk. Always with Ian. Or is it Mark? Fuck’s sake I can’t keep up with her.

Kate and I haven’t spoken for about 2 weeks.

Dimitri is in London this weekend. I think it’s a cousin of his or a relative at least, who is doing a Masters there and he’s gone to spend some time with him. He says he gets tired of speaking English sometimes and needs to kick back and speak his own language. I get that, it must be hard. I tried to talk to him in Greek the other night on Skype but he fell about laughing as soon as I opened my mouth so he has put me off doing it now, the evil shitface! Yes so anyway, he’s not picking up.

Lee. I spoke to him this morning but he’s got a shift at the bar today. He does only weekends now. I will get to talk to him later on at about 11:30, but meanwhile…???

He gets a bit pissy with me when I talk about this anyway. He thinks I am being hostile and should try and talk to my parents more instead of hiding away in my attic, away from the world. Yeh ok, but he’s really close to his M&D and sister. I am an only child and do not have anything in common with my parents. Except that my Mum used to be a good artist and my Dad is Greek. Loads then!

I can’t be arsed to talk to them. Am I a bitch?

I like my own company. Is that wrong?

I’m allowed Chester up here now as well so even less reason to go downstairs into Mum’s domain of Elle Decor magazine.

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I’ll just listen to some music and stare outside at the setting sun. It’s peaceful.

Unlike me.