I really can’t cope.

I mean, I should be happy, right? I said not so long ago that if only me and Lee were together I would be ok, fuck that he is 100s of miles away. So why can’t I go back to that innocent time?

It’s dull. I am sitting here on my (unmade) bed, laptop on my knees, looking out the window at the cold cold evening that has just drawn in and covered me in darkness.

Mum and Dad are not speaking to me. What’s new? Well, because we had a row about driving lessons and me working in the surgery at weekends.


I have got sooooooooo much college work to do, I still have to do all my own cooking, shopping and cleaning (pffff) and it’s HARD and dull. All I want to do is sit and skype with Lee and Dimitri, lay there reading a book while Lee works on his art work…or watch movies online together.

Look at my room. It’s MASSIVE. I actually did clear it up and it looks really spacious but it’s freaking me out. Too tidy. I cant see my stuff kicking around on the floor. It looks cold and unlived in.

The bathroom is getting more and more freaky by the way. While Lee was here most nights, I didn’t see or hear anything, but since he’s gone back, I hear weird low level humming and I SWEAR a voice humming and singing…I can almost make out words….it’s a girl. I know it. I want to know who she is and why her spirit is still lingering here, around me.

Yeh so the condition is if I want driving lessons I have to work at the fucking surgery with Dad on my back all morning. What the hell. Then because I have to caj a lift off mum to go to ASDAs foodfuckingshopping, that means that I will finish at 12:30 and go straight home, grab a sandwich and go straight out with mum. I have to tag along and wait for her to shop and she goes around like, EVERYWHERE, getting bargains when I finished shopping an hour before. Could be at home talking to Lee. But no. Lee works Saturday nights as well so I don’t get to skype his sexy ass until 1am. That leaves Sunday when I have to do COLLEGE WORK. When does this leave me a frickin life?????


I am miserable.

I know I keep going the fuck on about her, but AnnabitchBelle is PISSING me off as well. Now I find out that no only did she take over HIS room during the summer while he was here, but she slept IN HIS BED and she is WORKING with Lee in Rock Retro, the student bar. FUUUUCK!!!

I know he doesn’t have feelings for her beyond platonic, but it still winds me right the hell up. I HAVE to get to London during half term. End of. Feeling jealous is simply NOT an option any more.

So what I am doing to take my mind off all this shit?


I have just finished the 2nd book in the BEAUTIFUL DEAD series. ARIZONA. Ghostly, weird and raw.


This is the blurb about the first one, called JONAS:

”Not alive. Not dead. Somewhere in between lie the Beautiful Dead …Something strange is happening in Ellerton High. Phoenix is the fourth teenager to die within a year. His street fight stabbing follows the deaths of Jonas, Summer and Arizona in equally strange and sudden circumstances. Rumours of ghosts and strange happenings rip through the small community as it comes to terms with shock and loss. Darina, Phoenix’s grief-stricken girlfriend, is on the verge. She can’t escape her intense heartache, or the impossible apparitions of those that are meant to be dead. And all the while the sound of beating wings echo inside her head… And then one day Phoenix appears to Darina. Ecstatic to be reunited, he tells her about the Beautiful Dead. Souls in limbo, they have been chosen to return to the world to set right a wrong linked to their deaths and bring about justice. Beautiful, superhuman and powerful, they are marked by a ‘death mark’ – a small tattoo of angel’s wings. Phoenix tells her that the sound of invisible wings beating are the millions of souls in limbo, desperate to return to earth.  Darina’s mission is clear: she must help Jonas, Summer, Arizona, and impossibly, her beloved Phoenix, right the wrong linked to their deaths to set them free from limbo so that they can finally rest in peace. Will love conquer death? And if it does, can Darina set it free?”


Here’s the Amazon Link:

Then this one.

shot_1379961773859I found it tucked away on the very bottom shelf of a charity shop, all yellowing and smelly. And it’s fantastic! It’s by the woman who wrote ‘The Spiderwick Chronicles’ and it’s really dark.

”Do you believe in faeries? Not the soft, gentle kind, but the sinister, feral kind – the ones that wreak havoc on everything in their path…Sixteen-year-old Kaye is a modern nomad. Fierce and independent, she travels from city to city with her mother’s rock band, until an ominous attack forces them back to her childhood home. To the place where she used to see Faeries. They’re still there. But Kaye’s not a child anymore. This time she’s dragged into the thick of their dangerous, frightening world. A realm where black horses dwell beneath the sea, desperate to drown you…where the sinister Thistlewitch divines dark futures…and where beautiful faerie knights are driven to perform acts of brutal depravity for the love of their uncaring queens. Once there, Kaye finds herself an unwilling pawn in an ancient power struggle between two rival faerie kingdoms – a struggle that could end in her death…”
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Art wise I am so into these artists’ work right now……..

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Ok, must click off and get this posted. Just seen Mr C sex man walk into his room, waving at me……


I know I am posting a lot tonight but I feel kinda weird and strung out. Lee is at work, D isn’t answering my texts and I don’t want to talk to Kate or Stella. M&D have been out all evening at some dinner party and I have been alone (as usual) in my room playing music and trying to chill out. It’s not happening. Anxiety reins. I swear that ghost is there in my bathroom again. I have left the lights on around the mirror but my eyes keep flitting there and I hear small sounds. Lee says I should leave a camera on in there at night. I’m thinking I should but actually what’s the difference. I know she’s there, I have seen her figure many times.

I feel like watching a horror film but I can’t choose. Oh! Did I tell you I went to see Evil Dead~the new release~ the other night? It was COOL. I’m not usually into slashy stuff but it kinda satisfied some kind of dark side in me. You would think a vegetarian wouldn’t like to see people being cut up and all that, but if I’m honest. LOVE IT.


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Have you guys seen The Last Exorcism? That was a decent flick! Part 2 is due out soon. These are the next two horror movies on my ‘to see’ list:

The story of Ed and Lorraine Warren!

When is this out???!!!

When I think of Lorraine Warren it makes me miss Ryan Buell:

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Always been my dream boy!

yeh so now I’m gonna just watch Paranormal State.

G’Night all

Brain Fever, Heart Burn

February 17, 2013

Lee want to a party with Annabelle last night. WHY DOES THIS WIND ME THE FUCK UP SO MUCH?

We talked for about an hour before he went out and he texted me at about 2:30am to see if I was awake. I wasn’t, FOR ONCE, but  again at 4am he texted me and I was….so we talked. Good news! The girl, Eva, who works in a Gallery in London, told him at the party that she will be staying at the Halls anyway so she can do the rounds at night and in the morning for the whole week if needs  be. YAY! So now, Lee has to have a word with the Landlord and get them to talk on the phone and for him to agree that he trusts Eva. He is doing that AS WE SPEAK. Pleeeeeeeeeeeease let it be ok!

Then he has to persuade his M&D that he needs to come back and for either his Dad or Mum to get time off work to go down and get him…or for his parents to fork out for the train. That’s going to be the difficulty. I can’t see his parents being happy about sending him £125 for the train if it’s only to be here for a few days. More likely his Dad will go and get him. In that case he has to take a day off work…that might not be until Wednesday or Thursday. Then we have to think of project stuff to collect so we make the whole thing genuine. Although apparently Annabelle thought my idea was really good and said she might put it forward as a real branch of the Community Arts thing!

FF sake I am going mad here! Mum keeps asking me what’s wrong and of course I can’t tell her! Kate has gone to France with her M&D for the whole week and Stella is with her ‘Pooch’ as she calls him.

…………………………………………………. argh!

So what else has been going on. I did some research about Paranormal Investigating, but found out nothing I don’t already know. I want to get a dictaphone first to record any voices, or the correct name, EVPs, in my room. A few times lately, I have been awake during the night and heard that girl’s voice in my ear. ‘Mum, is that you?’ and then there has always been a shadow  near the door that moves across towards the bathroom. Weirdly, I usually have my earphones in as well, so how the heck?

Yeh, so this half term is all up in the air at the moment. My Dad asked me if I’d like to go to Greece, but it means him taking time off from the surgery when there’s a lot of lurgie going around. He has been really busy with house calls. Besides, if I went there for a week, which would be frickin awesome btw, I wouldn’t get to see my boy. End of! There seems to be a chance, so Thessaloniki can wait…

Apart from Coursework and seeing Lee, I have started to plan my new spring wardrobe of hand made stuff. I am making patterns for tops like these:





They should be fairly easy. The first one is a normal top like a tshirt but with added lengths at the bottom. I have cut out around an existing tshirt and now I am attaching the long bits at the sides, gluing them like tabs so that I can just cut out 2 x sides as if it’s a complete piece.

The other one is just like a normal top again, but I am going to do some sketch ideas along the lines of owls, skeletons, butterflies etc and making card versions so I can lay them on the fabric and cut round them like a stencil.

It’s 3:55. Lee and me are skyping at 4 so I better wrap this up! Fingers crossed this works out else I’ll be as arsey as arse this half term………

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Depressed…or just bored?

February 3, 2013

Ok so my last few posts have been morbid. I don’t want this one to be the same~ moaning, missing Lee, bored with life. The thing is I want to write amazing, interesting blogs, but when I get to the weekend and look back on the week I realise there’s nothing interesting to write! 


I know I’m not a normal teenager. Last night, Saturday night, what did I do? I took Chester for a very long walk in the woods, got very wet, came back, washed him down, went upstairs, sat on my bed for ages staring outside at the tree tops listening to Veronica Falls, watched a documentary on YouTube about parallel universes, texted Lee (many many times), went downstairs and stole a glass of wine from the kitchen (M&D had dinner guests) watched some more stuff about Paranormal Investigations, watched American Horror Story (must blog about that at some point. Violet is ME. Her dad’s a Doctor, she’s an only child, grungy, moody, likes Morrissey, hangs out with ghosts in an old mansion house…) and then waited to skype Lee. Then remembered it was Saturday night and we don’t skype on Saturday night. Why? Well because he goes out with his art student buddies…..’nuff fucking said about that…another reason I hate Saturday nights…


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Called him. He didn’t answer.

Waited for the attic room to consume me in my jealousy and longing.

It didn’t. Unfortunately.


I tried to write something here but I couldn’t even manage one single line.

I tried to write a list of things I love to cheer myself up. Here’s what I came up with:

  • Chester and our walks in the woods.
  • Skyping (with Lee and Stella)
  • Reading strange books. Eg Neil Gaiman, Clive Barker, Stephen King…
  • Watching documentaries about ghosts, parallel universes (a new interest of mine), social issues, asylums, criminals etc
  • Drawing and painting (subjects including above themes)
  • Listening to music. (Band names too many to mention)
  • Surfing the web to find ideas for clothes/outfits and upcycling
  • Going to charity shops and buying things…ie clothes that are made from amazing fabric to cut up for upcycling. (If I find a style that I like, for eg a blouse, I cut it up carefully along the seams and lay it out as pieces. Then I make patterns in the fabric I want that match exactly then sew them all together to make a new blouse. Get it? I might have to post a demo to show everyone.)

Things I want to do: (Not including all the ‘things’ I want to do with Lee!)

  • learn Greek. I am half Greek and my dad says he will teach me.
  • Go to Salonika. That’s where Dad is from and my grandparents that I don’t know live there. I will be able to talk to them if I learn Greek. (Kalimera is good morning. I remember cos my mum said ‘Kalamari’ instead which is squid!)
  • Have a bunch of 3 or 4 really good friends that come round and sit in my attic room, drinking wine and talking.
  • Join an URBEX group. (Urban Exploration~exploring abandoned buildings)
  • Do proper Paranormal Investigations (starting in my bathroom hahaha!)
  • Have the inspiration to paint more.
  • Learn to play violin (M&D have already said hell no!)

Ok so now I need to figure out how to inject some enthusiasm into my Sunday.



It’s sooooo cold.

Had a brilliant Saturday with Kate and Stella. Stella came down and met Kate for the first time so we had a blast. I thought it might be really awkward as they’ve never met, but they got on really well. I guess it’s my first reaction as I’m so crap at making friends. Just cos I can’t talk to strangers, it doesn’t mean other people are the same. As I have said loads of times before, I have to start giving people a chance. I am kick ass in so many ways, and I know I can be a right bitch, but with people I don’t know I’m just unrecognisable.

Anyway, we watched some films, namely one called ‘Apartment 143’ which I LOVED. It was another Paranormal investigation type film like Grave Encounters and The Asylum Tapes, but better. The girl in it was amazing. You didn’t see her that much cos she was the rebel who stayed in her room and kept telling her dad to f-off, a bit like me really, but she became possessed and we were all like, wooooaaah! Here are some pics:

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We also watched ‘Absentia’ which is a fricking cool arty film about missing people, having being taken by strange creatures, ‘underneath’.

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We were all sitting on my bed clutching my cushions. No one spoke for like, 2 hours, and then at the end, Stella just went. ‘Oh my fuck.’

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I really liked the girl’s style in it as well:

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Man, I love a good indie horror film!

Now to the rawness that is my whole existence. I spoke to Lee. I eventually stopped being such a dick and phoned him back. I realised that I had gone and done what I was threatening to do a while back..ignore him. I didn’t mean it to be malicious, but he thought I was being offish with me and sounded really upset about it. I thanked him for the roses and tried not to sound too mushy. He didn’t know what to say at first, and then he said he thought I was ignoring him because I hated the roses and ‘didn’t think it was appropriate’. I asked him what he meant by that, but he just said that maybe ‘our current situation wasn’t the right one for me to send you flowers, after all that’s what a boyfriend would do.’

WTF? Maybe he was trying to hint? I’ve asked Stell and Kate about it and they are like, ‘Just ASK HIM OUT’ but I CAN’T. I am so scared he’ll reject me and then we won’t talk for days and days, if EVER and I will hate myself for doing it and losing my best mate. I don’t feel for him as a best mate does, that’s the frickin deal. I love him to distraction. Stella reckons that there’s no winning for me so I might as well tell him how I feel. I mean I get it..when or if he gets a girlfriend, how am I going to continue talking to him every night, pretending to be happy for him? CAN I do that? No. I don’t think I can. Can I go out with anyone else? NO. Does best buds mean you should be able to tell them anything? YES. Would he reject me gently and go on as if I hadn’t made a total as of myself? Maybe. Oh god I just don’t know. 😦

Oh well. Best get down to my work. The only thing that takes my mind off him. Well for like, 5 minutes until I start the mind whirl of going over his words again and again and ending up plugging in my earphones and listening to my Lee playlist of heart wrenching tracks. Why is it so hard?






November 24, 2012

So I’ve been upstairs since this morning when mum had a massive go at me about my new pentagram. It’s soooo cold out there that I just managed to give Chester a walk through the woods before everything on my body froze. My eyelashes were even icing together when I blinked. I persuaded Dad to let me bring Chester up to my room and he said that was fine. After all it’s my stuff up here that he’ll wreck if anything, but he’s a good dog. I cleaned him up a bit and he’s been up here all day keeping me company. I might get away with him sleeping on my bed. 🙂

So anyway. Dogs are really sensitive to spirit activity. I may have mentioned that I have thought there’s a ghost in my bathroom? Well, there defo is something in there because Chester WON’T GO IN and he just keeps lifting his head every so often and looking towards the door. I might have to do some research about the house as I know it’s old, I can tell that. What happened here? Did someone die? It is the attic room, which stretches right across the top of the house, so who knows? I thought I saw someone in there a few days after we moved in, but lately it has been getting weirder. Halloween was the weirdest because it wasn’t in the bathroom it was in front of my door. It was a figure, maybe about my height. I don’t know why but I think it’s a girl. This is the first time I’ve had Chester up here (well, that’s a lie! I sneak him up a lot but only for a few minutes at a time or when M&D are out) and I wanted to see how he would react. My attic is really big, so he hasn’t had a chance to explore before. He hasn’t got a problem with the bed area, or my study area near the window, but beyond my art desk and towards the bathroom, he hesitated, stared for ages at the bathroom and turned away, jumping up on the bed and curling up. Bless!

Look at him! I just took this shot.

I swear he’s smiling!

I have told Lee about my ghost. He says that I need to ask myself if I feel threatened or afraid of her, or if my gut feeling tells me she won’t hurt me. He reckons that if the ghost is benevolent (I had to ask him what that meant, felt a right div) then I should maybe try and communicate with her. Maybe she needs help? I asked him, what if it’s out to harm me (by the way he said that would be a malevolent spirit! hahaha) and he said that I should then do a sage cleansing. I’ve heard of that before cos I watch Paranormal Investigation programmes really late at night. I might research it and see if there’s any kind of special ritual that I would need to do.

But, no, this ghostgirl isn’t giving me the creeps. I sense sadness. Poor thing. I keep watching out to see if she appears. I, kinda looking forward to it!

Hmmm. Lee. Oh God I miss him! He’s at a party tonight, one of his friend’s is 20 it’s a huge party at a student house in Camden. I feel sick thinking about it. He didn’t mention whether A (I can’t bring myself to type that name) is going to be there, and I just didn’t dare ask. My frickin imagination is left here to run wild again tonight. I can hear and see the rain pelting against my window. It’s always noisy up here in the attic cos it’s so high up. The wind howls around the disused blocked up chimneys and I can still hear it coming down almost to floor level cos my fireplaces are blocked by bricks. I asked Dad to unblock them but he said no cos once you’ve got an open chimney, especially up so high, there’ll always be shit coming in from outside and leaves and stuff. What a shame, it would be cool, like a rubbish dump for disused nature.

I feel sad. I’m used to being alone and as I said before, I LOVE my attic room (well, floor) it’s like a haven. I’ve got my metal frame bed that M&D got designed for me by one of her friends who’s a blacksmith. I’ve got purple walls with a huge mural I painted on the biggest window (almost to the floor bay window) facing wall so it gets sun on it. (It has faded it a bit I’ve noticed ) and then I’ve got my wardrobe and small dressing table…then looking down the attic room there’s my desk and college books on one side and my art desk on the other side…(that’s a total anarchistic, artistic, bohemian TIP of an area and I love it!) I’ve got a small bay window in front of my desk there and on that wall just TONS of images and scraps torn from magazines…you know just things I found that I love. Inspiration. Then further down my stereo and loads of CDs and stuff for my IPOD….magazines about music and piles of paper on the floor with lyrics scribbled on. Then the bathroom door to the right. It’s not a huge bathroom but it’s ace for me. I can just have a bath or shower when I want and don’t have to wait for Dad and get gased out after he does a huge stinker in there. Jesus dad. When we lived in the other house I almost retched every time. Appalling.

Oh and I’ve got blue fairy lights EVERYWHERE!

I’ll try and get a photo of my place and post it.

Here’s one of my haunted bathroom window 🙂

listening to:

Sunday sanctuary

November 18, 2012

Having a break from college work. I haven’t been out anywhere at all this weekend, not even to Kate’s. I saw Lisa (Lee’s sister) when I took Chester for a walk earlier on, but only a quick hi from over the fence. I should try and go round and see her more but to be honest, it’s hard to sit there when Lee’s not there. It makes me really sad and I get home and feel depressed. I don’t want to bug her about Lee, like ask her if he ever says anything to her about me (they’re really close) and I can’t ever think of much else to talk about. She’s not at college any more, she decided to do a Hairdressing Course instead. We kind of lost contact.

So really, nothing much to write about. I love weekends where Mum and Dad don’t disturb me and I can stay up in my room on my own. It’s fricking freezing out there anyway and apart from taking Chester for walks, I don’t feel like going out. Summer is cool because even when it rains it’s not too cold and that smell of sun drenched earth rises up and it’s refreshing. Winter is great viewed from indoors! I can see a lot from my attic room anyway. The tops of the trees as they sway and throw their mottled, burned leaves around. The birds taking flight to hide under the woodland canopies. The rain as it sweeps through the woods, showering the trees and mudding up the paths and fields. I’m warm. I never close my curtains. I love watching the dusk and twilight and how shadows are cast and the shapes that come forth. The trees dance, blackened against the purple sky. Clouds dyed ink against charcoal canvas. When it pours the rain flows like bent forks down the glass, distorting the view of the world outside. Just as I see it.

Stella is always asking me what the hell I do at the weekends. Well, Friday night I’m usually with Kate just chilling out at hers, listening to music and watching films. (On Friday night we watched ‘Chronical’ I’ll write more about that later.) Most of the time I stay over because it’s a half hour drive and Dad refuses to pick me up after 11pm. I get back Saturday morning and take Chester for his morning walk (By the way, Chester’s my labrador pup, well not so much a pup now, he’s about 6 months old! I LOVE him sooooo much. I nearly lost him in the summer, again part of that whole nightmare scenario that I try not to think about, so he’s like my most precious thing now.) I walk him despite the rain and cold and I take him to all my favourite woodland places behind the house. Lee and I have explored everywhere and I always think he’s going to pop out from behind a tree at any moment and pounce on me. I miss him!!!

Then I usually help Mum a bit around the house (draaaaaaaaag) but again, after all that has happened it’s kind of the least I can do. We get along ok now, although she still gets on my tits when she tries to tell me what to do. I mean, I know parents are supposed to know best, but at the end of the day, they are not ME. They don’t know what goes on in my head. No one does to be honest. Dad is cool and we have some good talks, although I don’t see him that much what with his surgery and stuff. He’s sometimes out nights as well on call so then during the day I have to be all quiet cos he sleeps. I can do quiet as my room is at the top of the house. Away from everyone. It’s my haven!

After lunch it’s college work, although I have to fight the urge to do other things. It’s hard to get down to work when you know you’ve got Sunday as well. I used to be really bad at it, like leaving homework till Sunday evening. Truth is I can’t do that now I’m doing A levels. As I’ve already said, there’s LOADS. Still don’t think I can handle it…..

Saturday nights are a bit shitty. Lee always calls (well that is if he’s not with ANNABELLE) and we have a got chat. Too bad he’s still not on Skype, but I can’t persuade him. He says it’s too expensive to have an internet connection what with the amount of money his parents already pay out for his Halls and everyday stuff. London is expensive. I like cosying up on my bed with my laptop, watching music vids on Youtube or dvds. I’m usually into a good read but do that at night before I go to sleep. At the moment I’m reading a weird book called The Sensualist. It’s cool. My sort of book. Spooky and chilling with a bit of mystery:

Here’s the link to details:

I also LOVE all books so far by Carlos Ruiz Zafon. I mean OMG so gothic, so dark and so full of suspense! I’m a sucker for books about books and writing, so this is probs my favourite:

Check out the Synopsis!

‘Buried in the back streets of Barcelona lies the Cemetery of Lost Books – a mausoleum for out-of-print works, salvaged by the bibliophiles of the city. There, 10-year-old Daniel Sempere discovers a book called The Shadow of the Wind, by Julián Carax, which captures his young imagination.

But when he investigates this unknown author, he finds out that his is the last surviving copy, as a mysterious figure called Laín Coubert has dedicated himself to eradicating Carax’s work completely. But in Carax’s book, Laín Coubert is the name of the Devil.’


Anyway I digress.

I’ve just noticed the time. Oh Balls. So much work to do for tomorrow. I’ll try and post again tonight, later though. Much later!

‘Every book, every volume you see here, has a soul. The soul of the person who wrote it and of those who read it and lived and dreamed with it. Every time a book changes hands, every time someone runs his eyes down its pages, its spirit grows and strengthens.’
Carlos Ruiz Zafón‘s Shadow of the Wind.



November 1, 2012

Oh. My. GOD.

I actually hate Halloween, so last night I thought I may as well read a book or something after I had skyped with Stella. She was all up for dressing up and doing some trick or treating but really, no. My life is dark enough already without inviting it in by dressing up as vampires (Stella’s idea) and roaming the streets in the blinding rain, me on my own btw and her with Chrissie. She wanted us to have our phones on video call so we could see what each other was doing. Stoopido.

Anyway, I digress. So I had had a good rant with S about P and felt a bit calmer. I got to the point last night where I really didn’t give a shit about it but you know when you’re all alone and your mind starts tumbling over itself like a rock that gathers snow…well that happened and I was laying there just raging. I won’t start myself off again, just to say, the guy is dumped. Soon. And Lee is coming (yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees!) so I don’t need him in the way quite frankly.

So, yes I was on my bed and I had a book in my hand…my bedroom door was CLOSED as mum and dad had come back from some party at about 11 and I didn’t want them coming in. (Door closed means KEEP OUT and leave well alone). I wasn’t reading. My brain would take in about three words and then I would be thinking about Phil and Lee and would have to go back and read the lines was so fragmented I shouldn’t have bothered. I just saw this black shadow appear across the door. At first I thought it was the shadow of a tree outside, but there are no freakin trees outside my window. 

I sat up thinking that maybe it was just my eyes… with the lamp on it could be just me. It stayed there. Then I started getting a bit freaked. I just stared at it and couldn’t drag my eyes away. It could have been hours for all I knew. Then, I started seeing the shape of a head and shoulders. (You probably think I’m just losing it at this point). Then I noticed legs. It was about the same height as me but I couldn’t make out any features (and I wasn’t in any rush to get up from the bed and start walking towards it to find out more).

I didn’t have my phone near the bed to take a pic. Can’t believe it.

As soon as I focused on looking around for my phone, I knew it had gone. Sure enough I looked at the door…no shadow. In the light of day I’m thinking, maybe it was just my imagination, but I can still see it in my head. I wasn’t even that scared at the time, just calm and curious. I dunno.

It took my mind of Phil Herring for the rest of the evening anyways.


I don’t know what to do about it. No text this morning, no Facebook message off him. Loser on a grand scale.

Anyways I’m off to see Stella and Chrissie. Dad’s taking me. I need to get my head straight about what I saw last night in my room.

One last thing. I see I’ve got a few likes for my post! Yaaay. Thank you, whoever you are. I have also followed you guys and I WILL check out your blogs.




Welcome to my world………

October 31, 2012

My name is Casey.

I am 17 years old and my life is somewhat disfigured. I need a place to vent. This journal, I hope, will be the perfect place. I also hope I find some kindred spirits out there in the cyber world, people who share my passions and views. Please comment on my posts and add me to your reading list.

I lived with my parents in a town called Rechford, somewhere in the midlands (That’s England, by the way) until recently. We moved in the summer and that was one traumatic deal right there. I live in the country now with my parents. I will tell that story some time, believe me, it’s well weird. I don’t want to go into it just yet. It’s still raw.

I am an only child and prefer it that way; although sometimes I dream about having an older brother to keep me on the straight and narrow…(MY straight and narrow, not society’s straight and narrow) to teach me the ways of the world and how to survive without imploding….without being consumed by fear of the dark. Fear of the unknown. Fear of living in shadows.

I sometimes feel that I am stepping into the afterlife, like everyone else around me is living and I am not. I am floating alongside them, eavesdropping on snippets of conversation, scoffing at their moronic pastimes and interests. I hate being different but I love it too, I wouldn’t change it for the world…whose world? Mine? Theirs? I don’t belong in either.

My parents don’t really get me, but since the move things have started to look up as far as our relationship. We don’t fight as much now at least. My Dad, Theo is a Doctor. I have to put that in cos his name is hilarious. THEODOROS!! He’s Greek, born in a place called Thessaloniki. He came to England to study and met my mum so he stayed. He’s got a weird accent that I love to impersonate, but apart from that you’d never guess he wasn’t English. This makes me half Greek, but to be honest it has never figured in my life much. Except my surname, Papadaki, which gets some sniggers sometimes.  He worked in Rechford in a practice that he opened with his brother, my Uncle Leo. Now he’s got his own surgery in the ‘village’ and he’s the only Doctor for quite a distance around. My Mum doesn’t work as such, but she spends a lot of time at the surgery so she must be helping him out with admin or something. I spend most of my time in my room listening to music, sketching or chatting to friends online or on the phone.

College is ok, but I hated most subjects at school so I have more bad days than good. I can’t stand sitting there I get restless and bored easily. I am not a rebel, I don’t talk back at the teachers or anything, I just sit there daydreaming or doodling in my sketchbook. Art is my favourite and I like my Art teacher, Ms Stevens. I think she gets me, but she doesn’t single me out as her pet or anything. I also love my English and Theatre Studies classes. My grades are excellent in these subjects and that’s cool. I want to pursue some kind of creative career but I don’t want to be a wage slave either. No way.

Stella is my best bud. She’s into the the same music as me and we love to hate fashion. Her mum is a Tailor so she has taught her how to make clothes. I started learning as well but didn’t have the patience so I just adapt existing clothes or find my stuff online. Going down the High Street to shop is my idea of hell……! She lives in Rechford so we don’t see each other much. She has been to stay over half term but had to go visit relatives so it was short and sweet. I miss her but we skype all the time.

My other friend is Lee. I say friend because I don’t really know what’s going on between us at the mo. He’s from here, in this village and we met in the summer when all that crazy shit happened to me. He’s at Art college in London. I thought I would actually die the day he left, but I know he really likes me, he tells me all the time. Thing is…well, I have kind of taken a step back from him lately. He didn’t come back over half term, the first chance he’s had to see me since he left. He’s been busy with some project. I get it but still…he emails me every day, and we talk every night so I’m not worried. He keeps mentioning some girl on his course though..Annabelle. It cuts me up inside to think about him and her but I have to be realistic I guess. On the other hand I can’t help hating her.

Enough of that for now. It kills me.

Kurt Kobain is my musical hero amongst others. I have quite a few. My passion is rock, punk  and grunge music, (and the clothes, hair, looks that go with it) but I also love ‘atmospheric indie’ as Stella calls it. You know, like Editors, Placebo and such. There are so many tracks on my ipod it’s crazy. I don’t know where I would be without my music and my sketchbooks. Lee can play some epic tunes on his guitar. My voice is a bit crap but we have fun singing.

Musical faves, just to pluck a few out the air: Paramore, Nirvana, Bush, Staind, Muse, Led Zep, Alice in Chains, 9 Inch Nails, Doors, God Machine, The Dirty Youth, Takida, System of a Down, Incubus, Soundgarden, Pearl Jam, Smashing Pumpkins……….

I am seeing a guy called Phil at the moment, well, everyone calls him Pots. I don’t generally like many boys, they p*** me off with their macho attitude and moronic behaviour. Phil’s ok, although we don’t see each other at all out of school as he lives in Wheaton which is at least 10 miles away. Mum and Dad don’t know about him so I can’t ask them to give me lifts to see him. I can’t say he’s Stella’s brother or anything cos my Dad knows Stella’s Dad through work so he would know I was bulls******g. To be honest I can’t really be arsed with him most of the time. He plays football and a lot of video games which bore me. (***UPDATE I AM NO LONGER SEEING THAT DICK) I would rather be outside exploring the countryside like I did with Lee, listening to my music. I would love to find a Paranormal investigation group that explores haunted locations. Stella gets scared easily so she wouldn’t come. She’s a bit of a girl when it comes to dark stuff, but that’s ok. I like having my own weird interests. I miss Lee.

I saw a ghost once, although of course no one believes me. I was walking home from school and I turned into a darkened passageway. I don’t know why, something just pulled me into it. I was a bit scared, not of seeing something ghostly, more of weirdos hanging around there, but there was no one. As I was turning to walk ahead again I saw, from the corner of my eye, a dark shadow appear against the wall of the passageway. I looked and for a split second a figure emerged. It wasn’t in Victorian dress or anything that stereotypical, it looked like it was wearing jeans to be honest. I think it was a girl about my age as it had long hair. I was about to shout hey, when it just turned and walked into the passageway wall. I swear it was a girl. I have never forgotten it and I’ve even drawn it. I will post it on here at some point.

Meat is Murder.

I’d always wished for a dog but as we lived in a flat, it was unfair. Now I’ve got one! (One good thing about ‘the move’ ). His name is Chester and he’s a beige coloured Lab. I may not like humans much in general, but animals I love and respect. He’s sooooooo cute. He’s growing up way too fast though. He’s lost that puppy look but I LOVE HIM.

Anyway I am rambling! I have to call Stella and Lee then Skype with Pots, so I will leave this blog for tonight. It feels good to write without restriction and with the knowing that people will (hopefully) read what I say. Rant, rant, rant! Expect a lot of that!

Here’s Kurt: