Brain Fever, Heart Burn

February 17, 2013

Lee want to a party with Annabelle last night. WHY DOES THIS WIND ME THE FUCK UP SO MUCH?

We talked for about an hour before he went out and he texted me at about 2:30am to see if I was awake. I wasn’t, FOR ONCE, but  again at 4am he texted me and I was….so we talked. Good news! The girl, Eva, who works in a Gallery in London, told him at the party that she will be staying at the Halls anyway so she can do the rounds at night and in the morning for the whole week if needs  be. YAY! So now, Lee has to have a word with the Landlord and get them to talk on the phone and for him to agree that he trusts Eva. He is doing that AS WE SPEAK. Pleeeeeeeeeeeease let it be ok!

Then he has to persuade his M&D that he needs to come back and for either his Dad or Mum to get time off work to go down and get him…or for his parents to fork out for the train. That’s going to be the difficulty. I can’t see his parents being happy about sending him £125 for the train if it’s only to be here for a few days. More likely his Dad will go and get him. In that case he has to take a day off work…that might not be until Wednesday or Thursday. Then we have to think of project stuff to collect so we make the whole thing genuine. Although apparently Annabelle thought my idea was really good and said she might put it forward as a real branch of the Community Arts thing!

FF sake I am going mad here! Mum keeps asking me what’s wrong and of course I can’t tell her! Kate has gone to France with her M&D for the whole week and Stella is with her ‘Pooch’ as she calls him.

…………………………………………………. argh!

So what else has been going on. I did some research about Paranormal Investigating, but found out nothing I don’t already know. I want to get a dictaphone first to record any voices, or the correct name, EVPs, in my room. A few times lately, I have been awake during the night and heard that girl’s voice in my ear. ‘Mum, is that you?’ and then there has always been a shadow  near the door that moves across towards the bathroom. Weirdly, I usually have my earphones in as well, so how the heck?

Yeh, so this half term is all up in the air at the moment. My Dad asked me if I’d like to go to Greece, but it means him taking time off from the surgery when there’s a lot of lurgie going around. He has been really busy with house calls. Besides, if I went there for a week, which would be frickin awesome btw, I wouldn’t get to see my boy. End of! There seems to be a chance, so Thessaloniki can wait…

Apart from Coursework and seeing Lee, I have started to plan my new spring wardrobe of hand made stuff. I am making patterns for tops like these:





They should be fairly easy. The first one is a normal top like a tshirt but with added lengths at the bottom. I have cut out around an existing tshirt and now I am attaching the long bits at the sides, gluing them like tabs so that I can just cut out 2 x sides as if it’s a complete piece.

The other one is just like a normal top again, but I am going to do some sketch ideas along the lines of owls, skeletons, butterflies etc and making card versions so I can lay them on the fabric and cut round them like a stencil.

It’s 3:55. Lee and me are skyping at 4 so I better wrap this up! Fingers crossed this works out else I’ll be as arsey as arse this half term………

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It’s done!

I just dried it and it looks awesome. I haven’t straightened it yet but this is what it looks like:

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That’s exciting! I feel better already. More rebellious, weirder…less of a sheep!

Mum can freak out as much as she likes in the morning (and she really will!) but by the time she sees it, it’ll be too late! Ha!

So, Lee just called me. I think Lisa must have told him that I’m acting weird because he never usually calls til around 10pm. It was 8:00. He started out by begging me to send him a pic of my hair…which I will…*smile* and then he said that he wanted to talk to me about…..ANNABELLE. I won’t pretend, I almost had a heart attack right there but tried to keep my voice as normal as a squeaky mouse could be.

He said that he was sorry Lisa had got to tell me before he did and that he meant to tell me himself and he felt bad. That was the least of my concerns, but anyway. He then said that she might be coming to spend a few days with him over New Year to help with a group project they have to do. I thought I was going to die of fucking relief! Apparently there’s 5 of them in the group and it’s for a community project, but the other three live way down south and can’t meet up. They are going to do their bits and then discuss it over Skype, but they might have to go back a bit early to London to finalise it before the project starts in January. So it’s not a social visit?

I was so light headed that I went and spurted out that I had hideous visions of me being a gooseberry to them all over Christmas and new year. He went quiet for a few seconds and then kind of laughed and said no, he wanted to spend the holiday with me.


I then said something lame like ‘So she’s not your girlfriend?’ and again he coughed and cleared his throat (I hadn’t notice him do that before) and he goes ‘No Case. She’s just a friend. Really. I want you to know that. I’m not interested in anyone else.’

WHAT THE FUCK does that mean?????????????????

I was so relieved to know that there was nothing happening between them and he didn’t want there to be, that I didn’t really register in my love infested brain what he had said and the connotations of it. Until we had come off the phone, that is. TYPICAL.

I feel like ringing him back NOW but really, what would I say? ‘Oh Lee about what you said before’ and QUOTE the guy?

in anyone else ………that’s what he said.

that implies there’s someone else……and the only ‘else’ would be me seeing as he was talking to me.

Oh God, Goddess, Buddha……PLEASE let it be true!

Lisa said that he was talking about me in that way before he left for uni, just before we became friends. So what changed? Maybe he is waiting to see what I say to him, because let’s face it I was a prize bitch to him over summer. He probably feels vulnerable, not knowing whether I can be trusted as a girlfriend. I would think the same if I had met myself under those circumstances of utter hostility. Stupid cow that I am, not being able to see what was right under my nose. Ok Ok. So I wait more. Christmas is only a few weeks away now and although it’s unbearable, I have to ride it out without making a complete tit of myself before I see him again.

I have to think of small hints though. Maybe he’ll start being a bit bolder and we might get somewhere………


Paramore and Hayley

December 5, 2012

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I want to keep all my images found on the internet here on my blog so I can find them easily and use them for musing up my new looks. I have to get myself out there! I’m just a punk rocker rebel girl trying to get out!




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