August

August 13, 2013

It has been ages since I wrote anything here. That’s because life got in the way! Hey I mean it’s not often in the last year or so that I have felt like I HAVE a life, so man I am making the most of it! Nothing has really changed. My daily routine goes along the lines of getting up late (11am ish) going out with Chester to the woods for a long walk and then sitting in the garden catching some UVs. The weather has been fucking amazing and I actually have started to LIKE the sun! I have always thought of myself as a rain and dark kind of goth girl, but lately I am inviting the sunshine into my morbid heart. I think Lee has got a lot to do with it. Even when it’s cloudy and rainy I still feel the sun cos I know he’s nearby.

So after lunch Lee finishes work at the surgery so he comes round and we have to pretend to be best mates cos Mum is home then. We usually eat in the kitchen as we are soooooo not allowed upstairs. FFS. M&D have laid down the law about my allowance. They reckon I should have been the one working at the surgery this summer as I am a ‘spoilt madam’ (cheers Mum) and I don’t appreciate the value of anything. It is much better that Lee works there anyways as he is still giving his Mum and Lisa money cos his Dad is a complete tool.

Yeh so I have to do everything for myself now, Check this out:

  • Wash my own clothes, iron them and put them away. I don’t iron anything and I don’t put much away either. This is because…
  • I have to clean my own room. Mum says she isn’t coming in unless the ceiling falls in through my dirt rotting the carpet and floor away or if she smells it. That would be difficult since I sleep in the attic which has its own stairs. My room is constantly a fucking tip. It winds Lee up something bad but I can’t change how I am!
  • I have to go shopping to ASDA with Mum on Saturdays mornings with this allowance she gives me, and buy my own food. That also means…..
  • I have to cook my own meals. Mum is sick of cooking vegetarian. So now I have to either eat before them or after as Mum is a frickin nightmare to be with in the vicinity of a kitchen…
  • I have to wash up.

I am kind of getting used to it but it’s loads more effort than relying on Mum. My cooking skills are improving gradually and I like going online and printing out recipes. Lee is well impressed so that’s a biggy.

I hope it won’t continue down this path when I start college again or I will be freaking out 20 hours a day trying to do shit.

Lee gets pissed with me. He’s like, ‘You should do all this now so that when you go to Uni it isn’t a shock to your system and you’ll be able to eat more than cold beans and take-out crap.’ And he reminds me, annoyingly so as Lee does, that I am the one who wants to be more independent. That person is always right!!!

On a negative, shitty point, we have been bluing out at each other a lot lately cos I won’t tell my M&D about us. He feels awful that he has to climb the tree and sleep with me under their roof and then go and face them at work all morning. He is nobler than I am and I can’t get the fuss. I say it’s only a few more weeks and he’ll be going (hmmmmmmmmf) back to London so screw it and let’s enjoy it! No, he’s all about the guilt. Yeh but if I spill the beans we are BANNED from seeing each other!

Another shit time was when I was convinced I was pregnant. Yep. We use condoms and (of course) Lee is really careful, but one night I was convinced it split…then I was late for like 5 days on my period and I am NEVER late. I absolutely SHAT myself for days. Lee wouldn’t come over, we met up in the woods and I didn’t admit what I thought for days until I couldn’t keep it to myself anymore. He was white as a sheet and said I had to tell my Dad so I could get emergency contraception, but I said no fucking way and the subject of telling them about us came up and we had another blue. Man. I thought we were going to split and he didn’t come sleep with me for two nights. He didn’t abandon me though, he did keep calling but I refused to agree to telling my M&D. It was a horrible BAD few days but then I came on and it was ok…he said I need to go on the pill and I agree, but how can I? The nearest doc is my DAD! Lee told me he will go with me into town and go the Family Planning Clinic, which I didn’t know existed. I don’t know what to do. If they find out I am DEAD. Then again Mum said she would never ever go in my room again, so she would never find the pills. What if I got ill though and Dad treated me, not knowing about the pill? Could that be dangerous?

Now there is this weird cloudy haze over us. Like our relationship has come to a wall. There are issues that we need to address after this scare, like my reaction to being (potentially) pregnant. I told him I would want to get rid of it FOR SURE but he was really horrified at that. I am not even sure I ever want kids…he clearly does cos he said that it would be difficult and we would both have to sacrifice a lot for a baby right now, but he wants a big family some day anyway so it would just be sooner rather than later. Er……………WHAT NOW????

I should be pleased that he would stand by me, but it freaked me out, I am only 17. So much I want and need to do in my life. I know he is really family orientated, that’s one reason why he hates the fact I don’t confide in my M&D and tell them about us, but I am not. I am an only child who really isn’t close to her parents.

I hope this doesn’t mean we haven’t got a future together. This is a biggy.

We are fine now, but I know it has shifted how we relate to each other, almost like the innocence has gone.

fallingwhiteflower

It’s still magical but every time we have sex I think oh shit me…what if……

Oh I think he’s here…I just got a text from him telling me to go down and let him in cos he’s soaked. Is it raining??? Oh bollocks, no walk in the woods then!

depressed-rain-sad-alone

I still love the rain

 

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