Night 2

May 29, 2013

080

My life.

Yesterday we spent the afternoon together in the woodland and old graveyard. Places we used to hang out when everything was new and we were happy. There’s a grey cloud hanging over everyone now, despite my utter contentment to be with him again, to be able to stare at him…his long black hair that now tucks behind his ears…his long dark eyelashes that cast spiky shadows on his cheeks. He looks tired and older now. Not the smiley Lee I once knew. How we have both grown up. How life has fucked us.

His mum and dad are fighting non stop. He is tired of being in the middle of it, trying to be the one with the voice of reason. He says the worst thing is that they were fine when they were scraping by and having to pull together as a family. Now his Dad has got this job it’s as if all their underlying problems and grievances with each other have surfaced and they can’t see through any of the good times or the fact that they survived before. His Dad has given up. Lisa is in her room all the time crying.

I think he’s angry with his Dad but is trying to see it from his angle. Poor Lee. His curse is his empathetic nature. If it were me I would stay well out of it and let them fight their own battles. But my M&D are different. I am different. I am not close to them, not like Lee is.

We walked endlessly through wind and showers of rain, holding hands and sometimes wrapping our arms round each other. I needed it, needed to be close to him cos the Lee who I knew before was still in there somewhere, buried deep down. Lee, my protector. Lee, who was always so there for me. Now I have to get used to the fact it’s not all about me anymore.

At about 6pm, Lisa called him. I could hear her desperate voice. She needed him to go home. I tried not to show my disappointment and walked on ahead so he wouldn’t see my eyes. He came up behind me and embraced me (he can pick me up off the floor easily, him being so tall and me being a short arse) and then turned me around and found my lips with his. Heat, swirling, blood boiling….and he apologised for being such a downer. I shrugged and said that it’s what he has to do and we have to face it. He held me close for ages with his hands in my hair before kissing my head and saying he had to go and see Lisa.

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I asked if I would see him later that night. He said maybe, depending on Lisa and the situation at home.

He didn’t come.

We talked for a good 2 hours on the phone about everything and that he wanted to stay at home with Lisa as she wasn’t sleeping and needed him to be there in case. Yeh I feel for her but I have been sleeping alone for 6 weeks. I need him too.

I was like this last night….laying on my bed staring at the ceiling. Knowing he was so near yet so far. I wanted so much to be hidden in his room. But there’s no tall old tree to climb up. Only Lee can do the climbing……

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So I woke up late this morning feeling like shit and it’s pouring with rain. It’s so quiet. I took Chester for a short walk but it started pissing it down so I brought him upstairs. M&D don’t like it but tough shit. They are not here anyways so they won’t know.

Rain Animated Gif

Can’t be arsed to do anything. Just listening to music. This track over and over again:

I am outside

And I’ve been waiting for the sun

And with my wide eyes

I’ve seen worlds that don’t belong
My mouth is dry

With words I cannot verbalize

Tell me why we live like this
Keep me safe inside

Your arms like towers

Tower over me, yeah
‘Cause we are broken

What must we do to restore

Our innocence

And oh, the promise we adored?

Give us life again

‘Cause we just wanna be whole
Lock the doors

‘Cause I’d like to capture this voice

That came to me tonight

So everyone will have a choice
And under red lights

I’ll show myself it wasn’t forged

We’re at war, we live like this
Keep me safe inside

Your arms like towers

Tower over me
‘Cause we are broken

What must we do to restore

Our innocence

And oh, the promise we adored?

Give us life again

‘Cause we just wanna be whole
Tower over me

Tower over me

And I’ll take the truth at any cost
‘Cause we are broken

What must we do to restore

Our innocence

And oh, the promise we adored?

Give us life again

‘Cause we just wanna be whole

Lee’s arms are my towers.

But I can’t feel their solidity right now.

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