Where do I belong? In purgatory again……..

April 20, 2013

I have been back for…*working it out*…oh, a week! Jesus I didn’t even realise it was a week ago since I flung my bags and laptop down on my bed in my attic room and wanted to die of exhaustion and from the black cloud that was pouring freezing, blinding rain onto my shit life.

Yeh well. As you can probs work out, I am non too happy to be back in this dark, cold, rainy country where no one smiles. My only saving graces are the two men in my life who are here. Lee and Dimitris.

Basically (I hate people who say that but there, I said it and don’t give a fuck) I have been catching up on all my college work and Skyping lee and Dimitri. Nothing else. I miss Thessaloniki so much it hurts. I have been trying to work out a way to go and live there but Dad says that it’s impossible nowadays with the crisis and all that jazz. He says it isn’t even worth me studying there as there are no good Universities for Arts or Design and I would have to know Greek to like, an AMAZING standard to even be able to get by. And A levels probs wouldn’t count as a way in cos money apparently has more standing than exam results. In other words parents BRIBE the universities to take their kids on. Really now?!! No wonder Dad studied here.

But that doesn’t make me feel any better. I’m so utterly damn confused about everything.

Sometimes I wish I had never gone to Thessaloniki but then…no I don’t cos it was frickin awesome!

I even miss my little garconiera.

I miss Dimitri. We got up to some crap! The last two nights we stayed up on the balcony til 3am and I got royally pissed and then he took me for drives around the city and we went for some beers on the VERY last night but don’t tell M&D cos they forbade it. Well they should know not to forbid Casey cos she will do it. For sure.

Yeh so what about Lee?

I got to Skype with him a bit more when I got back but it was late. Like 2am til fall asleep on top of the laptop type of late. He is working so hard and I am deeply shitting myself about him. He never stops! He has got dark rings under his eyes every time I chat with him and he slurs his speech. I don’t think his M&D realise how many shifts he is working right now. I feel like going over there and telling them but I think they’ve got enough to worry about. Like his Dad finding a job! My M&D have been helping out a lot like making them food and Mum has been there to help her clean and do stuff around the house. That’s more for a friendly ear though I reckon. Lisa said he had an interview while we were away but didn’t get it after all that so that made him feel loads worse. Shit. Lee is sending money home I think as well.

I know he loves me but he hasn’t told me for ages now. I don’t want to stress him out with my shit so I tell Dimitri everything. We have grown close and I afraid that I’m spending more time talking with him than Lee. What can I do though? He is also having probs with his girlfriend so we are kinda consoling each other. I think he likes me more than mates but I can’t ‘entertain’ that thought right now. Why do things happen when you least NEED them to? He has said I can go stay with him in Manchester whenever I want but I think, and this is the plain fucking truth, we would end up doing something and I don’t want that shit on my shoulders as well. We came pretty close to kissing in the car when we got back on the last night and we had been to this cool as SHIT rock bar above an old indoor market place. (I can’t remember the name of it now). He was looking at me right in the eyes….IN the eyes and he said that he had had the best week with me and he would miss me loads. We hugged and..and…and…well you know. It was on the cards but we both kinda laughed it off and got out the car. Awkwardly.

I love Lee with all my heart. It’s just that Dimitri is different to any guy I have ever met. He is part of my roots, part of that part of me that I have just found. That beautiful city of light. It’s so so so magical. He IS that place and so therefore he IS me.

I haven’t said anything to Lee or him about how I feel. I do feel lucky to have them both in my life though. Of course I told Lee about him and he didn’t seem to mind..when I told him we were just friends. Are we though?

Anyway. He will probably sort stuff out with his girl and Lee’s Dad will find a job and everything will get back to normal. I will soon forget how empty I feel now and how amazing Greece is. I will be comfortably numb, sitting up here dreaming about the summer hols when I can see Lee. Everything will be great again when he comes here and we play the game of climb the tree to my room and sleep together til dawn. Except the fucking tree will have leaves on it then so it’ll be a bitch to climb up and down. Hahaha poor Lee!

Yes. Life will be good again. I hope……..

For now I will be playing Greek Rock music as recommended by Dim (or Jim as his English buds call him) and posting some more of my Thessaloniki pictures so I can stare at them some more. And weep.

Let it continue…..

Xilina Spathia (The wooden Swords)

Xartinos Ouranos (Paper Sky)

Pix Lax (Punch Kick)

Monaxia mou ola (My loneliness is everything)

Nikos Portokaloglou

Pou isouna fws mou (where were you, my light)

(btw I am trying to translate some of these songs with the help of D of course. That last one has beautifully dark lyrics about love and pain).

 

 

 

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